Archives for posts with tag: vulnerability

KundaliniCreative energy is by its very nature the force that breaks through old forms, opens the flower bud, that gives new form to old ideas, new ideas to old forms, and is entirely blissful all at the same time.  The truth is, we feel great when we are creative.  On top of the world.  A million bucks. Nothing can stop us.

When the left and the right brains work together, like man and woman, this experience, which most people find to be so intimate that they want to be alone or feel alone in order to get themselves to the place where they can “do it” (be creative) is so much so like how we feel about entering into an intimate situation with another.  We want to be alone.  We get excited, we sit on the edge of our seats, we become utterly seduced by our first ideas which then lead to more ideas.  It all seems a mystery until the second that it happens.  We try all sorts of different ideas, sketches, designs, or ideas.  We play with them like a child plays with blocks.  And then somehow, it all clicks into place.  The inspiration fills us and the information flows.  As if through some unknown crack in the wall, the water of life pours through to us and enlivens us and nourishes us. You have to let lose that tight hold you have on yourself.  You aren’t going to come undone in any other way than what will be perfect.

This flow is in the body the flow of the negative force and the positive forces merging.  In the brain it is how the left and right hemispheres work together to develop ideas that neither of the two could ever hope to do alone.  the very masculine left brain has all sorts of ideas, but those ideas are just that.  A nub of something, but “he” brings it to the feminine and she takes it into herself in order to dream it anew, to do her work of nurturing the idea.  Something magic happens when the two qualities merge; they create more energy then they could ever do alone.  It is just what happens when two people who love each other or who are interested in one another come before each other; there is an expansion of energy, there is a seduction that takes place, a very beautiful experience unfolds.  But to do so, in both instances, in both cases, requires a good degree of vulnerability.  In both intimacy and in creativity, one has to “put ones self out there” in order to realize the greatest rewards.  To do this means surrender, letting go, and in that letting go we allow the great mystery of the experience to unfold.  This is where the higher self steps in.  This is where you don’t have to know anything, for you will be filled.  An entire career’s worth of work can emerge in such moments, and often has.  The mystics call this the All.

To feel it, you embody it.  to embody it, you feel it.  You allow yourself to let go.  You release fear and anxiety.  It flows in you, you see.  Love to be creative, love to feel this love.  Creativity is certainly this; love.  You cannot feel its flow when angled down into fear.  You simply have to be willing to stick your neck out a little and not worry about what others will think.  You need to love the feeling more than anything.  Luckily, that feeling feels better than anything.

So come out of that cage.  We each have it.  Inside each of us, a wild tiger lives whose blood runs thick and hot and whose primal force can become the fuel for amazing things.  Within each of us lies the fire.  For some, it is but a small ember.  For others, the flames burn wildly as others stand back, jealous and in wonder over how anyone could be so free.

Don’t be afraid to dream your wildest dreams.  Read Whitman and yelp and be free and don’t worry over practicality or marketability.  This is your freedom and surely no price can be placed on that.  Not everyone will recognize it as important or worthy.  It doesn’t need to be.  Only you need to recognize it and feel it.  if you feel it only because of another, it really isn’t authentic.  Don’t seek the approval of others, only your own authentic experience as the guide.  You can thus become a beacon to others including yourself.

To dream in this way means you are willing to journey with no idea what you will find. It was always been in such efforts that incredible surprises are most often found, so be willing to follow your instinct and wild hairs and go off the path into the woods once in a while because great things lay in wait, conspiring to make your life more interesting.

Create, ooze with the joy and wonder that lives inside of you.  Give birth to tall tales, brilliant musical masterpieces, wonderful drawings and stories and lyrics.  Goodness knows we need this to help dilute the constant drumbeat of war and trouble in the world. Replace the trouble with beauty and wonder and the world will question why we must look at things always from the worst case scenario instead of simply sharing our sandbox space and playing nice with one another.  In the brilliant days of childhood exist all the great lessons of humanity.  Dwelling in that place is far preferred to the more shadowed lands we seem to have been inhabiting as of late.  Humanity hungers for the light and cool waters of spirit and creativity to renew it and give it hope.  Without it, why continue?

So continue.  Be bold, bear your truth bravely and honestly, whatever that truth might be.  If nothing else, be an inspiration even if others think you an ideologue.  Stand tall and see magic around every corner; it is beckoning you, you know. run like children down the pathways of discovery to find what is next in line for you and the rest of us.  If given the choice of hopefulness or hopelessness, doesn’t hope seem so much better the choice to take?  And in taking it, grasp and hold it evermore.

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I think the term ego death is so unfortunate.  I have had people who are going through awakening express such anxiety about it because it simply sounds so scary.  I have an article HERE about ego death and the importance of ego within the self.  Frankly, language can be tricky, so don’t make up your mind about something in awakening until you yourself have gone through it.

I went through this “death” at a time when my kundalini was accelerating to warp speed.  I had already experienced a rising of kundalini and it had been very active for a about two years when I began corresponding with someone whose ideas meshed with mine who was also kundalini awakened.  It is said that kundalini can be transmitted.  My observation is that it is more nuanced than this.  Rather, I think that we attract based on where we are.  I was already asking questions about how this experience was “supposed” to go because some of it didn’t make sense.  Like the issue of soul connections.  Some call them Twin Rays and Twin Souls and I bought into this belief for a time, but the edifice surrounding it began to crumble when I noticed that a Twin is supposed to love unconditionally, was supposed to be just like you, etc.  I observed that this just was not so and that this person I was connected to was actually quite harsh, hard, and punishing.  Vindictive, actually.  And this was a pattern in my life, I would discover later, a gift that kundalini gave to me to open my eyes.  By learning to develop good healthy boundaries and to heal the old karmic scars, I found that my experience went into hyper-drive.  The only thing that was different was that I was beginning to possess a different outlook and I was beginning a dialog with someone whose ideas were much more aligned with my own.  In fact, there were aspects of the experience this person helped me to bring to light that I had not been entirely aware of.  She helped me to shed light on this and to shine a bright light on my own experience in a way that was at once difficult, but liberating.

Something in me began mirroring a very different side to the energy.  Giant waves of kundalini began to move into my life and for the first time I felt an overwhelming feeling of getting knocked over by giant waves from this force.  Everything inside of me sought to hold on for dear life, for what I knew was familiar.  What I did not realize was that kundalini was now moving in a different way, a broader way, and it was hard to keep up with.  But I did hold on.  For dear life.  That wound up being just the problem.  I had to let go.  My precious ego, though, feared for its life, feared for its sanity.  As this force began to move in me so strong, I had an experience where as I walked through the woods at night I could feel myself leaking out into the surrounding environment.  All of my carefully laid boundaries were being erased.  When I heard the water rushing by in a swift mountain stream, I could feel myself connected to it.  I felt connected to the mist hanging in the meadow.  I felt the pulse of moonlight.  Instead of feeling peace, I felt like I was about to lose my mind.  In a way, I was.  I was beginning to lose those boundaries that had been erected around ego and self.  The difference between this experience and my first experiences with the force was that I was unable to embrace it.

Over the next year I went through a flurry of experiences that all involved letting go of old patterns.  This involved a gradual letting go of ego as the central agent in my awareness.  This was like wrestling with an 800 pound gorilla.  In time, this gorilla became an ally, not an enemy.  Its presence as a threat dissolved completely.  All of the tension, all of the hardness melted away.  Ego was now much more mobile and would come forward and go back into the self as needed.  This was much better, much easier!  Now the energy flowed through me without hindrance.  It was a saving grace.

As I think about those days and how hard they were, I am considering how what we call ego death can also just be a willingness to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.  The curious thing with ego is it identifies with ourselves as being US.  Individual.  This tends to set up a kind of border land within the self.  If we aren’t careful, we erect all kinds of borders around us that block out all manner of things.  We become like a castle whose walls have become hardened.  Little gets in or out.  We defend our territory and karma remains in place, the very guards of this very tight little castle of the mind.  But concurrent with ego “death” was a softening of the self, a willingness and ability to be vulnerable.  There was less of a need to win, to be right, to prove anything to anyone.  The race, the battle, the journey…..the “I” became a differently defined “I” that did not need to define itself in relationship to others.  More and more,  I can just let people be who they are.  By letting go, by being more vulnerable, I saw as the need to keep ego in place became kind of silly.  unnecessary.  Kundalini was making it hard to keep this part of me planted as it was, so it was easier to just go with the flow.

Being vulnerable has its benefits.  It leads to being able to look reasonably at things as they are instead of always trying to make things as we want them to be.  We are more forgiving of ourselves, and this is key in order to reach a place where we can say “I AM imperfect, but I am worthy of love!”  I think that a willingness to be vulnerable is an important step in softening the ego and opening the self up to a greater flow for this energy of the self.

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