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This is from my drafts backlog. This was written in December of 2018. It needs work but I’m so busy these days…


I have been in this funny place…I just don’t know how to explain it very well without a little backstory.

I grew up very curious spiritually. I felt like there was so much more to know, and that we were so much more inside. I was maybe three years old and I was having what I later learned were out of body experiences. These experiences were very specific though, and were all the same; I would find myself at the interface between spirit and matter as I watched these filamented orbs of energy entering physical reality to take on the bodies of what I knew were babies that were soon to be born. I was watching souls entering the world of matter. Over the next twenty-five years, I would have a dozen memories from past lives, a kind of inner cosmic disclosure that I kept entirely to myself and with just a handful of friends. The point being that I came into this life with my work from many lifetimes bearing on me.

I say this not as a boast. It took me all this time to see what has been happening around me and to me to finally begin making sense of this. I never spoke about this in any open way. I say this in order to set the stage because often, as we find, old stories and experiences wind up bearing on events later.

I also experienced experienced seeing my parents before I was born, the moment when it was made clear to me that it would be they who would be my parents. This memory, though it took place before I was born, somehow was evident to me as an early life memory that stuck with me. It exists just as crisp today as it was 54 years ago.

I grew up with having prophetic dreams about local and international events, dreams so specific in detail that it made it impossible to have simply been coincidental. Later, when I grew into adulthood, I began a series of dreams in which I began helping those who had died to pass over safely to the next world, experiences oddly congruent with my early “travels” to the edge of our world.

What I know is that on the one hand, I have had lifetimes…scores of them where trying to find “that” truth had been a cherished activity and that it was honed in early Christianity, in Tibet, in North American as a native American (twice), in the jungle of Palenque as a leader of the Maya, and as a freed slave in the U.S. All were connected or threaded-through with several central spiritual themes that appear to be flowering right now in our world.

All that work and so was it any wonder my childhood was filled with what it was? But even so, I have learned that you can, by diving deep into your feeling self (not emotion!) to discover what the rational mind can never offer up. This is your amazing capacity to feel incredible depth in each moment, each thing…no, don’t confuse this with your emotions because your emotions most often is a mine field, a trap) you can realize your greater potential. Hint: you can lean forward to feel the brilliance and peace written inside of the core of Prana or Qi itself instead of falling backwards into your past where you fall into pain and the regrets unhealed there. You can’t heal an emotion with logic, you have to let go and allow the perfect light to take it for you. This has been the away of things, the great lesson in my life.

I grew up with this voice telling me to stay away from religion. It actually said that I was not to buy into any one belief system. This wasn’t something that was based in dislike of religion. If there was anyone who needed a spiritual community, it was me. It was a very odd request, but because it came from inside, from my heart center, I just knew that I had to trust it. It’s kind of weird thinking about it now, though. When I screwed up the nerve to ask this voice why I needed to do this, the voice answered simply, “You will understand when the time comes.”

I obeyed even though I very much wanted to belong to a spiritual community growing up. I even went to church with my family, but I did as told…even though I didn’t really understand why. I did know that I was promised some kind of reveal somewhere down the line, but I didn’t know when that would be or what form it would take. And yes, after three decades, I had reached a point where I began to think that all of this was one big hoax, or a delusion on my part. It just seemed like nothing was taking shape. This took decades.

It wasn’t until I reached age nine that my unusual experiences began to take shape in the form of seeking. I sought, yes, some, but I never joined. I was told not to. This was not a voice in my head, but an inner directive. I would heed that directive. Imagine, though, you go to church, attending classes designed for those who wanted to become a member, and you get through the two-month long process of becoming a member of the church and you are standing before the congregation and you look the pastor in the eye and say “no” to whether you were going to go on to full membership. A part of me was mortified, another part did as I was told. I never understood why.

Over the following years I would hear that familiar thought in my mind….”Don’t join, don’t buy into that religion…”

I limited myself to very light reading. I stayed away from religions and philosophies. I did, however, keep a library of “lost books of the bible” books on near death experiences, a channeler whose work didn’t seem religious but was deeply thought provoking. I began to meditate, I considered that if we were beings who survived death that it stood to reason that we had a soul that existed beyond or idependantly from the body. It seemed simple enough of an idea and yet these kinds of things were considered as fringe or New Age. I wondered how something so fundamental to our being could be relegated to an “ism” so easily. I had experienced the out of body state. There wasn’t anything “new” about it.

I don’t think it was forbidden to study a religion, the point was not to buy into it. When I went to college I had to take two semesters of religious study at this small Christian college that I attended. I went to Sunday school, I sang hymns and I listened to many sermons. Don’t become blinded by belief it seemed to suggest. It was really a bit much…

Thirty years of this. I went to Quaker meetings in college because, I reasoned, there were no trappings, just silence and no preaching. The truth was I wanted to be close to God, to our fundamental nature, which I felt, provided a means to know God. I was devout but I was without a church. I felt like it was okay to attend those meetings because no one was telling me what to think.

By my twenties, I assumed that all of this would lead to something that was responsible for the feeling I had as a child about the church, which was that something had been hidden. I suspected this early childhood experience of mine had to do with hidden books. Something, I knew, had been hidden. I had no idea what that even meant, though. It was like reading from a fragmentary text or recalling a memory in the midst of amnesia. It did come from a place of utmost certainty though.

I tried to see if those lost books of the Bible rang any bells. They did not. It’s important to emphasize that I didn’t feel like I had a choice about how I felt. It was the oddest thing. I knew this like how we know gravity. And yet, I wasn’t given to being conspiratorial about subjects like this. It was only with the church. Not as if I was against it just not of it for some great unknown reason.

The truth of what had been hidden was hidden even unto me. Yeah, pretty crazy. I mean, you would have to be very patient to bear this one out to see what lay on the other side of this deep-in-my-bones feeling. I have spent the better part of my life with this odd notion in me, solid and certain as stone. And I did think it seemed crazy at times but inside the feeling was a certainty that I just couldn’t ever sell out or bargain away.

My awakening, when it came, was itself like a giant clearinghouse for so many questions in my mind. Awakening made things clear to me in many ways (it raised many questions that would layer be answered, some of them), and it all began with what the church had hidden. When this became clear to me, all of the doctrine of the church began to make sense in a way that was fuller, more expansive, and now had the capacity to reach into the cosmic or transcendent. In a word, the doctrine began to mirror the capacities I was seeing in myself over my lifetime and that what was in us was an important spiritual physiology in order to know divine union, what early Christians called “The Consumation.” But like I said, something was lost and it was like losing the lock while still holding the key. Further, we each have this within us, this innate capacity for divine union, of being one with the Beloved.

We grew up as most Christians were being told that you didn’t have a lock, you just needed the key. But that was just a story based in collective ignorance. So the saving words of Christ were lost almost as soon as they were given. I am convinced now that entire generations of Christians completely misunderstood key aspects of the innermost teachings so that the understanding was edited out and the books that began to describe the real depths to early Christianity were ordered destroyed. This took place as a steady drip by at least the first century A.D. as early works and letters show a move against the “heresies ” began. By the fourth century the church was allied with Rome and heresy hunting was moving powerfully with decrees handed down by the emperor.

I know how that will sound to ardent Christians. I have had people tell me that if there was something new to know about Jesus or Christianity, we would have found it out by now. The the crazy thing is that in close to two thousand years, this really has remained a mystery, a secret, and this secret has kept countless followers from the means by which one opens the lock and opens the gate to the garden where the white light dwells…the light which transforms each of us when we touch it here on earth. I was able to open that gate in order to glimpse this vrry real and tangible light that most must wait until physical death to experience. I know its effects, I know how just a glimpse can transform any of us here…forever.

The Secret I uncovered had to do with the Trinity and how it served both as an anatomy of God but also of our own inner spiritual anatomy too (as children of God). This secret has been kept out of the church so that no member or believer may know its truth and its effects on us.

I finally realized that in order to understand this, I couldn’t be in the church, no matter how much I wanted to be. I wanted to be! It has resulted many years later in my finding my “rest” in the understanding that this was all for something. I see and understand some of it. Now I understand the fervor, the passion and intensity of my journey. So much is clearer now even as I know that personally, I have more work to do to become more like Christ, to embody that fiery passion that raised souls from death into a new, second birth.

This discovery has changed the makeup if the Trinity, the force which “raised people up” from a dead state to a living one. It also puts a spotlight on the ressurection and many central tennets if the Nicean Creed. Goodness sakes, this discovery changed a lot and when I begin writing about it, it will upend many cherished notions all made as a result of incomplete understanding. To do that will take a book because there sre countless references that will need to be cited and I have to learn my New Testament now like someone who has been studying this his whole life. I dont expect to convert anyone but I do hope for deeper reflection to take place. I have been avoiding writing this book because while I discovered something critically important, it is so different from what one billion church members worldwide that I doubt it will be taken seriously by anyone in that membership. It is, though, critically important to understand just as important as it is to understand how such an error happened in the first place. Lastly, it will just happen to link Christ’s teachings with those from other times, schools of thought, and philosophies.

Recently, after having spent years alone, I have felt this stir of wanting to return to the Church. About three years ago that inner voice, that guiding presence, said to me that I could now read about other religions and philosophies if I wanted. I asked why now because whenever that voice comes, I feel like I can get a few good words out of it before it goes quiet again. I thought I’d try. It explained that I needed to be able to show how my experience mirrored the awakening described in the early church and I would have missed it if I had become a follower. “By being on the outside you were able to finally understand what the missing piece was because your experience included the missing piece which you will bring back to those who are brave enough to encounter the Light and be changed in a twinkling.”

This is why I was able to take Christ as the saving presence without being in the church. The problem is taking Christ as your savior meant taking on the Christ—which means becoming one. Philip’s gospel spelled it out about how this all worked. That the church was calling his teaching heresy was itself the heresy. I did this because of what has been lost. Yes, Paul was right when he said that we take on the Christ, but this was literal. We DO take on the Christ because what gives rise to the Christ has always been inside of us. Even Jesus hinted at this in pretty clear ways saying that the Kingdom was within. It isn’t attained from without but is instead the single most intimate experience one can have where once you encounter it, you do not feel it as anything that ever existed outside of us. It’s just that intimate an experience. There is no man who comes into you, this is the error that was sewn all those centuries ago.

It is the height of ignorance and arrogance to believe that there isn’t anything new we can learn. But there is, and for those who have laughed at me for saying I have found something new I will say this; the assumption of this truth has been extremely rare…so rare in fact that there have only been a precious few who were able to speak to its innermost truths. It wasn’t until about the 16th Century that anyone speaking out about Church doctrine was labelled a heretic. It wasn’t that long ago that heretics were burned, tortured, and mutilated (remanded to a civil court for sentencing and punishment). Only now have we been free enough to speak freely without fearing for our lives, or excommunication. I don’t have to fear any of this because God kept me free from all of it. I never joined, I had no dog in the fight.

This gets to how I have been feeling lately. I know that my devotion to the church has been strong all these years even if it was to point out a flaw or lie or deception within it. I know that the bees in the broken hive still think their hive is perfectly fine, but I stand outside and know better. I am here to fix that hive. It will be up to the bees to accept this and make the changes. Luckily, none of this diminishes the one thing I love most; my communing with the one true creator.

Finally though, I find myself hoping for the same devotion to a religion that honors the truth. I yearn to know another who has this same level of devotion so that we might both gaze into the infinite that is within each of us. I find myself wishing for someone as devoted as I have been. I know I was made to serve, but I find myself asking the Light, “What now?”

I know that because the truth dwells in each of us, we CAN know the truth without books or teachers. Afterall, I did! I know it’s possible and I know the way to that lock on the garden gate. I don’t want to be a teacher or guru. I just want to live my life in quiet devotion with this radiant life that dwells within me…and maybe get this book written about my experience and how it helped to unlock a secret thpusands of years in the making. And I suppose that is a bit of a boast, but there it is.

And alone has been fine, but now I seem to yearn for a mirror who shares the same love of God. Those awakened who lack devotion to the higher purpose present in this experience seem to me to be like rudderless boats. I think I see an ingredient missing and it is devotion. I’m being judgmental I know, but it’s based on experience with those rudderless people. I’m not here telling those people directly that they lack direction, no, and it may even serve an ultimate purpose for them, so who am I to say? It’s just not for me anymore. Sometimes you do need to be lost a bit before realizing you need something more. For me, the devotional path feels just right for the rest of the time I have here.

That probably makes me sound like a religious geek, but truth be told, I always wanted to know God’s thoughts. Even as a kid. Now awakened and entering states that put me at the feet of this Presence, I have simply said, “I want to be more like you.” I realize that to do that, I must learn how to be all love. I know that the attention and love that I feel streaming from it to me tells me it wants a perennial engagement with me. It does not want me out of that stream of powerful love that undoes me, empties me so that I might be ever-more-full. I know that now I am the same; I yearn for a love that results in two unafraid to grow together as one. It’s a tall order I know.

Seems I have my work cut out for me.

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After months of work and away from blogging (I have published drafts!) I find myself settling into this sense of deep devotion to God, for want of a better term. You see, having touched this presence, I don’t know how anyone would dare call it a person. It is so vast. How do you? I can only grasp it when I surrender so deeply that my own inner ability to feel this love is what builds the bridge to that state.
But tomorrow, as I ready my house for sale, I will be meditating all day on the sacred three, the original Trinity.

But I ask you, do we in Christianity really understand the Trinity? I will tell you that no, we don’t. And why is this? The great hint is the Holy Ghost. Originally it was not part of an all-male identity. Doubt that? You need to begin digging into those books that early Orthodoxy didn’t want anyone reading….

I will be meditating on that for my tomorrow as I go about my day.

Kundal goddessWhen I awoke, when I had that burst of energy up my spine that left me changed as a human being, I really only had at that time the one thing I had always had at my command to make heads or tails of this experience; observation.  I didn’t know what it was that was happening to me.  I wasn’t terribly scared, but I was alarmed a bit and wondered what on earth had happened.  Observation is a powerful thing.  This is what I observed in that first year….

Once I realized that this energy was going to stay with me and was not some accident or stumble into some unknown land, I began to observe what this thing was doing to me.  It wasn’t hard.  I just sat quietly and began to do a simple form of what I would later learn was Mindfulness.  I just watched.

As I observed, I noticed that my awareness seemed to clarify.  I realized that I had not looked so closely at myself.  I had taken myself, my insides for granted, I suppose.  It isn’t that I didn’t observe myself before because I certainly did in meditation that I had developed over the years that I developed that was a good fit for me.  But this form of observing myself was…..different.  And the energy in me was different, too!  I guess it was like a new day.  It was.  It is hard to compare anything from the old ways to this thing.  What I noticed was that as I got very quiet, I could really feel the bliss flowing through me. When my mind was stilled from the rush of a thousand things we endlessly think about and chatter to ourselves about in any given moment, I was just amazed at the WOOSH of bliss.

Looking at this bliss, I asked what it felt like.  What was it?  How would I describe it?  What I realized was that one side of me felt masculine while the other side felt feminine.  I wasn’t always completely sure which side was which, and other times, it was very clear.  What was always clear was that there was this feeling as though something was embracing within me.  Something was now in an embrace that was without end.  It was an endless moment of love and the bliss that we feel when we are with someone whom we love, whom we yearn for, whom we cannot get enough of.  I felt into myself and found that the more I placed my awareness on them, the stronger their embrace became.  It really was an embrace.  I saw my body from a distance and as I looked down at it I saw these two forces as a masculine warm energy and a feminine cooler energy.  The thought here is that hot goes to cool. The man is drawn to the woman, and she is receptive to her beloved.  That was how this energy was.  And there was an intelligence within it!  As I let go of the who what when where and why’s, and simply let go and let this amazing crazy thing happen in me, I felt their energy grow in the way that a gentle wind might fan the flames of a fire.  As this energy grew, I became distinctly aware of an energy beginning to form between these two columns that went up my torso.

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I didn’t know it, but I was describing kundalini.  I just wasn’t there yet.  I was there still observing, feeling into it, and wondering what on earth was happening to me.  I was lucky, I think, because it helped me to realize something hidden within Christianity that I had suspected, sensed, but did not know what it was….something had been missing, I knew it all my life growing up. There was a secret…..not some kind of conspiracy….just something hidden.  But what?  The answer came when I awoke.  The answer was there, and as I looked later, I saw it.  It was going to become plain as day.

Feeling into this this third energy, I thought about how I might describe it.  And really, it only had one description; it was a transcendental child.  It was the product of their union.  This was the most elegant image I could come up with.  And yet?  There was nobody there.  So odd.  And yet, there was someone there, a higher order consciousness was emerging within me and I was getting to observe this.  Something about consciousness could be described as a family unit!

I was at this early time in conversation with a pretty intuitive person who had gone to seminary but left because he found it too restrictive.  When I explained what I was feeling, he suggested that I take a look at the Nag Hammadi documents, those scrolls discovered in the desert of Egypt outside of the town the cache of documents is now named after.  These were early Christian documents that had a vocabulary that was very different from mainline Christianity.

As I read through some of these documents, two things stood out.  One, was that these old writings seemed just as riddled with distortive elements as any other Christian document, some because of translation errors, and others as a result of a story being told verbally enough that it changes or shifts depending on the person telling it.  There was enough evidence to show that these stories that make up the gospels were written  a good pace from the actual events.  Memory shifts, changes….and small misunderstandings creep in.  I say this because so much of what I read in these hidden documents were speaking directly to the experience of awakening.  The thing though, is reading the mainline gospels, the King James’s version, you might never catch on to what was being said….the deeper story.  For all its faults, these books were saying something pretty huge and the interesting thing is that they were the very first documents that I read that put me on the path to understanding what was going on with me.  Jesus was talking about Awakening!  The Kingdom, he said, was in us, all around us, and we see it not.  The Kingdom, he said to his followers, had already come, but they just didn’t know it.  They didn’t know it because they had not yet awakened. Did they wake up?  There is some suggestion that they at least got a taste of the Holy Ghost descending on them, but the degree to which they each tasted the elixir of this experience, I can only guess.

What I did find was Jesus saying “I am one with the father and the mother.”  Exactly.  He spoke about the death of the ego as the seminal event that takes place prior to moving mountains, the means by which the power of awakening is realized in ones life as evidenced in strange coincidences, small miracles, or synchronicities.  He spoke of this mother in a few places, yes, enough that it was clear that his followers had been told about it. Philip probably guaranteed that his gospel would never see the light of day when we mentioned the elephant in the room when he said, “Those who say Mary begat with the Holy Ghost are in error.  For when has a woman begot with another woman?”  He was pointing to a misunderstanding some had at the time about the family unit within human consciousness.  The Holy Ghost was the mother! Same as Shakti.  Same as Yin. And in Christianity, it is a very important missing piece.   It was not correct that the story would say she begot with a consciousness that was female, no, it would have been that she was overshadowed by the Father.  What this points to is how there may have been an effort to obfuscate the role that the feminine has within cosmic or Christ consciousness by effectively anonymizing her into a “ghost”  early on in the rise of Christianity as a path.  Perhaps even during Jesus’s own life, even.  It is clear his disciples bickered with each other, and did not “get” everything that Jesus was saying to them.  He even said so.  Were some of them simply dedicated to his cause but asleep?

The Ghost is this vast presence within all of matter, within all of creation, bred and born and replicated all through everything, and this ghost is She.  A vibration of energy, or consciousness, which we all seem to feel or know is part of the world dreaming, the creation, and is active in each and every moment that we are alive and rides on our own waves of creativity.  The more you are aware of this part of you, not as a literal woman, but something that is receptive, grace-filled, wonder-filled, and awe inspiring, the more that you can feel it.  Just as I sat and observed, the energy just went off the charts.  I am one with the Mother.  But to be one with her, she must lay upon my lips each moment.  In my journey, it has been easy and hard to do that, in turns.  I just keep asking, keep surrendering, keeping myself humble.  “Show me.  Please.  I am hard.  Soften me, melt me.  Take me apart; show me how I can be….different. Birth me anew.”

I will tell you that looking back into my past pre-awakening, for as artsy and right-brained as I was, I was also caught in the tide of paternalism as everyone here is.  There is so much that we are not even aware of that is taught, handed down, but not looked at. By not really looking at it, we leave it as it is and it remains static but alive in us.  This is how the generations can hand down behavior for thousands of years until something disrupts it, shakes things up, and changes things.  I woke up knowing there was this force in me, male and female-feeling.  I am returning to that awareness again, today, yesterday, last week, last month, asking it to teach me anew.  Teach me.  Show me. I need you in my life.  Soften me, break me apart.  Take me down to chaff and wheat.  Blow gently across my soul and leave only what is best in me.  Let the rest go.  I am ready.  I now know the love that you bear is powerful, once scary, now seen as so wise, so ruthless in its honesty.  I am the fool.  Make me into what I have not yet been able to become.  Maybe this is my practice…. If there is to be one.  I never really thought of myself as having a religion.  I haven’t. I have sought using my own compass to guide me. But silently, quietly, privately, I pray to the light.  I do.

This is not an abstraction for me.  It is right here, swirling in what the Taosits call the 10,000 things.  This presence is in everything, yin and yang, female and masculine-feeling.  It is the Shakti and her Siva.  And yet?  And there is nothing material there!  But there is Presence.  When my awareness opens to it, I feel something beautiful in me, that KNOWS the feminine superconsciousness because it is in some way inside of me.  Looking into myself, I see out into the multiverse.  You see, you CAN learn a lot by inquiring within.  We think we only learn by looking outward.  But the road goes both ways.  Look both ways.  Your parentage is waiting for you there.  They will help you to grow up.

For me, I let go of any expectations.  I have learned that the more I do this, the looser I am, the more ready I am for a strong wind to blow my petals open and spread the seed, or the chaff, or whatever it is that needs to go.  There is an overarching presence that is not without purpose.  You can think me crazy, I don’t really care.  But it is true.  It is beyond any religion, beyond any need to believe or spin stories or tales, even as we try to do just that.  In the midst of it, this coarse self, so hardened, so unmade, dissembled, is somehow redeemed.  I am shown the way to BE. And for years, I have slowly learned how, the way one might learn a dance. But this dance requires that I do these dance steps each and every moment.  Every breath, every moment turns into a prayer.  This prayer is not for anything except to learn to be like “it.”  “Please show me” I ask it.  It is as if it is aware of me but says nothing.  It knows just as I know that the only way is for me to surrender to its presence.  Its hands are like a strong-handed doctor reaching into your being and taking out what does not belong.  Sometimes this is just hard. Sometimes it is easy.  Sometimes I am afraid.  And this is the insanity I have practiced all these lifetimes, round and round; I have desired the devil I have known instead of the angel that I could become.  Maybe I feared change.  Maybe I was simply addicted to chaos.  Maybe I wanted to be right even though deep down I knew I was wrong.  Wrong!  But wrong how?

Wrong in how I chose to see, to feel, to be.  I say I was born into this life and was raised with no choice in the matter, but I now know that is not true.  I was DRAWN to this place, this time, this life, as a being living outside of time, within all possibility.  We are all immortals, taking on bodies.  How silly to try and set people up for being responsible for our own self-chosen journey!  And how powerless, too, we make ourselves by thinking this way.  Doing this has weakened my root centers, giving me no end of trouble, and trouble to others.  Something whispers that it must be strengthened with truth.  Sweet brutal truth.  It means turning away from the fault being any others but my own.  Always making judgements that were less about the world and more about my own broken record of a story.  I was, and still am, on this merry go round.  But the only difference is that with all of the chaff that has blown away since all of this began in 2007-ish, I know I am getting down to the most major end of the big stuff that has held me up and had me tied in knots.  No one else is responsible for how I feel except myself.  I was always there defining the moment in terms of light and dark, good or bad.  How does one, so soaked in sleep know how to be as one who is awake.

But aren’t I awake?  Now that is the rub, my friends.  It is what we each must bear in mind.  When you awaken, you are given this great gift, but you get that gift based on where you are in your accumulation or loss of the inner material that does not serve you.  You awaken amidst a giant garbage heap that is your self.  Awake, the work is to remove this garbage. For me, the awareness of this was early when I asked this energy what it was doing.  It showed me.  We were to get to work on a kind of inventory and release the stuff, the baggage, the STUFF once and for all.  So for a time, you have this remainder.  The idea that we wake up and simply change like a snap of fingers is itself not really true.  Even Buddha worked on this thing he found under that tree.  the realization is one thing, the becoming is another.  You have to cross over from shadow into light.  We have all been dancing in the shadows without fully realizing it.

These are notions and expectations and beliefs that are simply not in alignment with what IS.  Whatever we are not in alignment with is like being an adulterer to our higher nature.  It is a turning away.  This, I have said over and over, is the very nexus of what we think of as negative karma.  If you want to have good karma, you will learn to know who you are deep down and seek your authentic being, the father and mother within, and know them intimately.  They alone will save you.  No church outside of you will be able to do it.  So powerful is this force that it will take you apart to the degree that you just trust its mighty force.

I am praying, you see.  All of this, is nothing more than my prayers.  Always has been.  Find your own prayer, feel deep within and ask yourself where your error lies.  This is not something you will be able to rationally know.  it is what you will feel as a simple certainty, or a dreadful sense that you are just on the wrong path.  And yet?  And yet, we so often stay on that path because it is…..familiar.  Boom.  Wow.

Could it be so easy to turn over the cart and begin an entirely new journey?  How many times have you tried to change for another person in order that your very being would fit into their lives?  How often has your own nature come into conflict with others in a way that it made you feel bad to be you?  When one is resting in the authentic self, anyone who seeks to change you is themselves living in illusion.  Didn’t the Hindus say that all of this is an illusion, a dream?  Well…..I prefer to see it as a creation, full of possibility, a grand chalk board of a place where we get to discover and create wildly.  But within us…..is there a splinter?  A pain?  A hurt?  A feeling of something not fulfilled?  Our real selves are fulfilled already, needing precious little except to feel bliss and absorb the moment.  Do this, or do that, it is your freewill.  But when you come across something that feels like resistance, look within and ask yourself; is it you or them?  And maybe it is them.  And later, you might realize it was both….both of you mirroring in a place of “illusion” or delusional feeling and thinking.  My task, at least, is to find the highest.  Me, I am a bit of a glorious mess, but there is something inside of me that is perfect.  I will for now seek that, for the mother will heal, the father inspire, and the two will show me that we are two-into-three-as-one.

For me, as a descendent of the world or the paternal journey, it is now my journey to open up to the softening of the feminine super consciousness.  It is time to get to know the Mother.

So don’t think that I am someone who has it all down.  I don’t.  I am here praying, I am here singing to the light because I am a creature of the physical.  I am creative…..in my own way, these are my prayers.  So take them as that.  I am not here as any proclaimer of anyone else’s truth.  We each find it ourselves.  And maybe you might wonder what the point is.  It seems that this is how it all comes down.  Increasingly, as you will notice, I have become less and less verbose.  I sometimes wonder, what is the point, really, when it is so clear that we each have that compass point within us.  We each have to realize it.  No one can do it for us.  The inevitability of it was spoken to me in the first weeks of awakening as I passed over a river and felt it speak: “It is inevitable that you will return to the ocean…”  I had no idea what it meant then, but something in me seemed to know. We are each like fish swimming from creeks to ocean and back again.  We know the way.  We do.  You just need to keep it simple because the relationship of these forces in you are also simple, ubiquitous.  Thank goodness.

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