I sit and speak with the light. It is opening up to this great love that lives inside of me. It has been the one thing that has driven me forward in my process of healing the barrage of blocks, the breaking of old patterns, the dissolving of karma. It is at once the force of awakening as well as my own love. it is interesting and lovely how my purpose can be a part of it, to learn from it, to heal with it. It is nestled into each of us….a part of us. It can BE us and we can BE it. It can also come, probably like Moses saw it, as a burning bush. Part of it, I know, are aspects of my higher self. But I also know that in all of that, this extension of consciousness, that I am reaching something more….something else. It is the thing that granted me my individuality. it is funny because if I told you how I experience it, I don’t think you would believe me. It lies utterly silent, but aware within the core of everything. I can feel what it feels as the interior of all things and I can also see it on the FACE of everything through the sentient universe. But to get there I find that I have to use my imagination. I think that most people think that when they are using their imagination that what they come up with is a fabrication….a creation….itself only real for the creator. What I have found is that what we call the imagination is like a path that we only go down but so deep with. It goes deeper, though, and will birth phenomenon while the higher self becomes engaged. It becomes like a way for information to be projected from the so-called higher self to the so-called lower self and also as a way to create, to birth what has been waiting in the wings.
All of this is what interest me, teaching me about the nature of creativity, the dance of opposites, tantra as a creative and healing art, and the nature of time, as well as our relationship to higher order consciousness. reaching the zero point, what the zen monks call “zero” is also a big part of all of this. In fact, you could say it underpins all of this. It is what I write about over and over and over…..which is a return tot his zero, something that I have engaged passionately in since awakening took place. In fact, it is this one thing that has been the core of my work all this time.
If you had something in your brain that made you think you saw enemies when they were actually your friends, would you be concerned and go to the doctor to see if there was a way to fix it? That sounds pretty troublesome, right? Well, in fact, we are all afflicted with this tendency. We see others as for or against us in ways that wind up being off the mark. I have had this happen in my life several times since the rising of kundalini. Some had been in place years before. I have been able to observe in others as well as myself how these lenses blind us completely or partially. In either case, the result is chaos and pain. Who needs that, right? What is it that has made us so messed up that we would cleave to that even as something inside of us says “boy this sure is crazy.” As if we are possessed. Except, there we are, making the choice ourselves. Why? When you turn from something as perfect as this love that the divine is, it can make a person mad. Plus we are a kind of crazy crowd, us humans. Crazy and beautiful all at once. What a trip, right?
Until we heal these rifts in us, we will think we see outside of us what is actually inside of us. We will see as one person saw, nothing but enemies. Another person saw reasons to be fearful. I saw threats to my ability to love and I responded over and over and over by pulling away. Suspended, not fully present, I learned to protect my own soul castle by not fully engaging. This sense of being “out there” was certainly part of who I am. I am so Pisces (believe it…I said it…), but this lovely ability to flow in the etheric realm has also meant that I have a means to escape. I have sought to do so in healthy pursuits for the most part, but I can admit that it meant in some cases that I would pull back from the stings and arrows others have shot my way in the hopes that I might never feel the sting of such hurt again. Sometimes I think that I am to learn to take every single arrow with bravery and realize not a one can hurt me. None. So shoot me. Kill me. Hang me. It has been done a thousand times anyway on this planet, so why am I so concerned about someone who is just being a little human? THAT becomes the corpus of my own “stuff” which I must heal. Until then, being able to see into the divine realm will be limited. I might be able to lay down at night or in quiet moments, yes, but I wont be able to feel it in the moment when someone is cutting me off in traffic or someone is yelling at me because, well, they are in some way hurting. Until we can be unmoved by the suffering as others as THEIRS we continually seek to grab onto others’ stories to somehow make them our own through a host of suppositions based less on what is true as it is how we are deep down.
The writer Anais Nin said that we see the world as we are, not as it is. And it is so true. But we CAN see the world AS IT IS by removing these lenses, these old beliefs, what the easterners call illusions, but what I like to call creations (we created them, we can create something different and new). As I am able to remove this material, it has resulted in being able to see more clearly. Truly.
For me, the way this has all gone is most of my issues lies in my ability to create. As a result, a LOT of material that has been stuck has been stuck in a place between root and sacral. It literally feels in my body as a sore womb is slowly being chipped away at and released from its prison. It means also that my masculine character goes through changes as this happens as the feminine character in my awareness also goes through some changes. How I feel, how I respond, all change incrementally as incremental things are healed.
Right now the project feels more like dredging an ancient canal. the methods I have used to release this material have been wide ranging. I write about them in my book which I am hoping to submit for publishing in the next year. The “methods” if you want to call them that, include a broad range that turn out being the same things that the ancients have used for centuries, but it also includes some new ones. Until this is done the energy field of a person remains susceptible to the very forces that mirror the junk that has yet to be removed. It is not uncommon, then, for most people to have energetic entities attached to them in one way or another. These range from small inconsequential to much more human like and very likely form the stories of vampires and succubi/incubi. Early in my awakening I dealt with removing these beings, but no more. My work deals with getting myself right first. Everyone actually has the means to rid themselves of these forces when they are ready. And not everyone is ready. Following ones readiness is also a great way to bring healing in a more perfect way. In this way, we can be the doctors to our souls. We really do know best deeper down. It might not seem that way sometimes, but there is intelligence that we are each a part of that is way beyond anything you could imagine or believe. But it is the core of what each of us is. Beyond time. Beyond belief. 🙂
This isn’t about changing how you think or changing your habits. Yes, you can bring change into your life this way, but what I am pointing to is an alchemy of the soul that results in instantaneous change. It is a way where we can actually throw off massive amounts of junk in a relatively short period of time. It is what modern psychotherapy has largely missed (with the exception of a few notable examples). By doing this we can each reach this seemingly elusive “zero” point that so many seek, including me.
This is not about being cool and hip, doing yoga and all the newest methods. It isn’t even about having a fit body or a nice house or anything else. You can build your life with all of these things around you, but until you fix what is at the core of you that is off, the rest will always be problematic in one way or another. The great job will bring you angst….the fancy car will be in the shop more often than it needs to be. Something you thought was awesome winds up being riddled with problems. That lovely house wont make you happy because you are not happy. In seeking happiness in things, we each have forgotten the core of what happiness is about. It is not in another person, or in a different life. It exists right here with you and it is waiting for you to LIVE it. Like me, it is waiting for me. I am seeking to grab hold of it as I can, as I can manifest it. This is the love that waits for you, me, and everyone else. It is waiting for each of us to learn of its existence. Until we can feel this love in our own selves, we will each be a near-miss in our lives. It is a self love that we allow ourselves. When we ALLOW it for ourselves, we can allow it IN our lives with others. Its really pretty cool and awesome. So let’s get to it, shall we?
What is waiting for you? Here’s hoping that you find your bliss and the greatest love there is!
Waking The Infinite 