Twin Soul Pain

I was searching kundalini awakening on Youtube today, a first for me in quite some time. I didn’t know what I would find or even what I was looking for. Then I found her there in India….she has this hard unyielding way, but she is also able to express what I might need to thrash about in a poetic trance to spit out. Any insight is always appreciated. More about her in a moment.

The questioner asks her how to deal with the issue of having the feeling of the other within…even though it has been a lot of time since they parted ways. I am reminded of how these “twin” or soul connections work and how people I know even years later are still affected by their other. I know how I have been affected.

So I came across the work of Maharishikaa on kundalini. She helped a man who was really having a hard time in one video. Then quite by surprise there was this touching video about a woman who was trying to move on when her soul connection abruptly moved on without her. She came trying to find a way through this. The response I found to be unique, novel, and beautiful. Watch what she says. I think maybe the way through is not to go away but to go through. Step into the fire, do not run around it, ask what remains and be ready for what might come. For me, the answer was so simple, really. So much fuss over such a little hitch in my heart and ego.

Some put so much on these connections. More than they deserve, in my experience. At the same time, though, they help to show us what love can be, how we are the love instead of that moment of dissatisfaction that then fuels a connection later, in another life.

I find the arrangement to be paradoxical once you see what happened (in another life). It is like bread dough left to rise too long; it winds up much bigger than it ever was in that last life. Perhaps it is the effect of letting karma go for a single life – it grows bigger than it was when first minted.

Except no one seems to know this. That, or all my searching has somehow led me astray. Aren’t we passionate about getting it right? Could that be enough to open such a vibrant portal to the soul and it’s love?

We only see the large loaf and surmise it is more than it is. The paradox is…..that it is more than it should seem. Perhaps that is what these connections do; they open us to the love shining in the soul. For the soul, it seems that this is an everyday thing, completely common. But here on Earth, it seems singularly unique (which of course it is). It remains enigmatic to me. I wish I could go back to those simpler days of believing that it was a twin. It is, tbough, more mysterious than that. Perhaps it is enough that it moves us as it does. For what else makes us examine so much over something we might not have ever known that much about?

I know it may not make sense, but I think there is something here for those who need it. We let go of our need for it to be a certain way. When we do that, there is a greater peace and this cosmic presence expands and it’s one less thing that creates pain. We think it is about them when it’s just about our reaction to something that we think fell short of expectations. This is, I think, the genesis of these soul connections.

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Proofs: Karma Creates Chemistry – Part II

This post is the second installment that is best read in series about how karma creates chemistry and how we can open our lives up to a new horizon, literally a new kind of life by clearing the karmic threads and “debts” which we owe to ourselves as drops in the vast ocean that is consciousness…

 

So I was thinking about how I was able to clear up the karma from this “soul twin” that I had in the beginning of my awakening. I was thinking, too, about  how effortless it was to dissolve the connection that had caused me so much angst as well as bliss.  Mind you, in the beginning, there was this expansive love that I felt as well as this fiery quality that was part of the rush of prana that is kundalini.  This was not an effort at making myself a recluse, but rather that I felt, knew, that this was not all there was.  Most everyone I observed in the “twin” community seemed fairly situated in what I was rapidly feeling was the mythos of the twin flame and comfortable with this view as the twin as “The One.” It was natural, afterall, I had been there, too.  But things were changing for me and I was no longer content with what I saw as a delightful fairy tale, a beautiful story, certainly, but not one that reflected reality.  Yes, I felt the depths of soul love inside of me and I shared this with another, but I also felt the earthly self, both where I was and where she was.  We were oh-so human.

How to deal with this dichotomy, I thought? It seemed to me that this disjuncture was the proof that there was something more at work.  What the twin community was doing, it seemed to me at the time, was the same thing we do when we are putting a puzzle together.  You know those puzzle pieces that LOOK like they fit, but don’t?  I mean those pieces that look exactly like they should fit, but the shape is off so very slightly that you are kind of stumped in that moment?  Yeah, like that.  Now I was watching as some of us were just jamming that puzzle piece into place and saying “good enough!” and going on with it.  I just wasn’t one of those people.  I am a big believer in letting a mystery BE a mystery, yes, certainly, but there is also a time when you ought to use your mind some to roll this thing around, especially when the “mystery” isn’t fitting into any of the discussed paradigms set forth thus far.

I thought about this and wondered what a later soul connection might have involved, and this time around, for soul connection #2 it was similar, but different.  It also involved a miss-identification of responsibility for a host of issues that caused me a lot of hurt and pain with this person, to be quite honest.  I was snagged by this person with her dishonesty, which was very much like my wife before my awakening began.  In fact, I considered at the time that this #2 connection might have been a way to work through what my ex-wife and I had not worked through. They were so similar in some important ways.  Sounds dysfunctional, doesn’t it?  Well, actually, it has turned out that since the two of these people were sooo similar that it has helped a LOT in working through the remaining karmic snags for BOTH.  Despite the fact that something in the back of my head was telling me that what I was being drawn into and WHY I was being drawn into it might well be bad for me.  Different stories, yet so very similar.

The Universe Becomes Your Mirror

In an interesting twist, I have been having a lot of problems popping up with my ex-wife as I have been headed towards the end-game of this soul connection, trouble that she has been initiating all on her own.  This has always been telling to me because whenever I was working through some karmic material it was as though they could feel it and would pop up out of the blue.  The timing on this has always been bizarre, at least in the beginning.  Lately, I just see this kind of behavior as proof for how we are bound by common material and that we can indeed all feel it whether it is conscious or not.

I chose to remain neutral with my ex-wife, though, in this last series of interactions, choosing not to engage her by pointing out the error in her way of behaving (which has always been over-the-top mean and hurtful).  This tack or approach has proven to shake things up in me just enough to help release some significant karmic material in both cases, ex-wife and connection #2.  In this case, the release was sooo simple. God, just to think about how much hand-wringing and worry and concern there had been about approaching this day there had been!  So much self-doubt, so much loathing of myself for being tied to these hard people! The release happened with #2  I when I was able to see an admission that one of them had emotional problems.  All I ever really needed was that moment of honesty from them, that “come to Jesus moment” that never really happened, and probably wouldn’t happen.  This had kept me active and turning on this karmic merry-go-round.  And this moment was not one that involved me talking to either of them, which was actually really nice.  Poof.  On my own, I got the one small thing that I needed that flipped the switch on all of this.  And now?  All of that hard stuff is just gone. I feel different.  I look different.  I now realize that the thoughts that I once had that I often dismissed as just a fairy tale way of being were in fact the depths of who I am, the beauty that was waiting for me on the other side of that garden gate.  One side was thunder clouds and uncertainty and the other side was bright and hopeful without a need to convince myself that anything was anything except what it was. Now, whether dark or light, I just don’t see the dividing line but feel the bliss of simply being.

I will also add that along with this hard behavior taking place as I reached the home stretch in all of this, that I was approached about two months ago out of the blue by a guy I know only peripherally, asking me if I could help him with his business.  As I was working with him and his employees, I felt deep into the energy of the group and found this troubling but interesting swarm of energy there.  I just worked for weeks and felt into it as I went about my day.

I found that there were all of these similar energies that all went back to the male wound.  For the first two to three weeks I only felt the energy.  I really had nothing to go on beyond what I was feeling. But by the third week, people were suddenly opening up and telling me exactly what I wondered about on an energy level.  All of this felt so familiar to me, but I had no hard physical history to pin it to. Without saying a word or asking any questions, except in my mind, they each began to tell me just what I needed to know.

This time, instead of working this like a problem, I accepted it without feeling a need to fix anything.  The interesting thing that happened was that I went from repulsed and upset the first few weeks, to feeling a strange affinity for these men.  I understood where they had been because I had been in similar places, too. I think we all have in one way or another.  It was as though life was giving me this opportunity to step deep into this chasm that was the inner life of these men in order to ponder my own wound, what is called “samscara.” But the brand or nature of their wound was so similar in so many ways to my own. This was tricky…..be in the world, but don’t be of it.  Step into the abyss but remain untouched…..no….not quite….surrender and accept all of it, see it, feel it, know it and don’t feel a stitch of resistance.  Yes, that is much more accurate.

It was at the moment that I began to accept them that the changes began to take place with my ex chiming in with her junk, all in perfect timing.  The distance between these men and their admissions about their past happened within 24 hours of my ex texting me and trying to “yank my chain.”  I remained stolid and calm.  It all passed with some hurt on my side, but no reaction, which was the big difference.  In the past, I knew that she took some pleasure from getting a reaction out of me.  As long as I reacted in pain, it confirmed to her that I was just as messed up as she was.  It was her way of keeping me in the boat.  But wait, no, it was me allowing myself to be controlled, effected, and enmeshed.  And THAT was the difference.  I had control now. Hurt me all you want, or try to; it just no longer works.  The first few times, yes, it still hurts…but the behavior and the energy is actually changing, and this was part of how I just stepped out of that old restrictive suit of clothes that made the man who he was.

After this took place, about a week later, another layer was unfurled and this time there came the beginning of a series of releases. I was able to feel the energetic side of the block releasing from my right lower range of the meridian when I got out of the work van at our work site several days ago.  This was between root and sacral chakras and was not felt IN the chakra like so many releases in the past.  This one was stubborn, bug in, and I felt the root block more as points within the meridian line on the male or solar side of yang energy (based on the Chinese medicine system). Then I was able to read about an admission from this soul connection and it all resulted in this perfectly timed matrix of effects that felt like a landslide or cascade of inner releases that brings me to where I am now. Poof. Gone.

Energetically, I feel different and my thoughts are different, too.  I am no longer obsessed with loss and lack churning inside of me.  Poof.  This buoyancy has resulted in my feeling like I can reach something that I didn’t feel….worthy of.  Can you believe that? With this hard energy weighing me down, I just didn’t feel like I could reach it easily.  Everything had this cast over it that had an edge of the negative. With a root-related block this type of thing relates to issues of nurture and abundance.  If the block is big enough, it can result in problem taking care of ones self or creating abundance.  I knew that my block was partial because of how events happened in my life.  I had always used creative visualization for the important things in my life: school, job, career, and children.  They all came as I had asked.

In my life I have always been able to manifest pretty big things in my life, but they almost always have some kind of hitch in them, sort of like the wish the genie grants you that you always wind up regretting.  Now, though, I know that we no longer have to regret the wish because the wish is now forged in the clarity of the soul’s purpose free from these troubling alliances having to do with loss and lack and hurt and pain and all the rest. This corresponds to the root now being clearer. I should now see a new level of clarity to what is brought into my life through our ability to co-create our lives.  I also find that any problems that come along just don’t flatten me like they had before.

Today as I opened a new book I bought for myself as this change was underway, it revealed a quote by the Buddha that spoke about how releasing the karmic bonds that hold us down to the earth…..free us so we can fly like eagles who can leave this world or be untethered by the concerns that weighed us down.

I have been hoping for this moment for years.  Years. Me an my dear friend Ali  have been talking about this idea which she brought up in our early discussions back in 2008 about how karma creates chemistry.  I wondered at first how anyone would believe such a thing as this?  At first, it didn’t make sense to me.  What I felt in connection felt natural, not fabricated, and this karma=connection sounded a lot like that. There was something about it that didn’t make sense….but now what I know is that the reason why it did not make complete sense at the time was because I was seeing through  distorted lenses, that my way of sensing and seeing the world was itself….bent. I was myself captured by karma and you cannot fix an old problem using the same thinking that created the problem in the first place (thank you, Albert E.) And this is something that you will need to know about yourself if you find that this also makes little sense to you. I wont ask you to believe me, just file it away and then get on with your “work” and when the day comes when it happens to you, let’s talk.

When I  explained how karma created chemistry to my second soul connection, she did not believe what I was saying.  I hadn’t either.  It just didn’t seem right, based on how the energy felt. It felt like a “foreverness” that you just don’t want to ever let go of.  There are lots of people similarly hooked in the twin phenomenon that keeps them engaged but not healing the blocks.  But do you know why this FEELS like a forever thing?  Do you really?

The Reward Cycle

Dopamine.  I know it sounds simplistic, but it is really that simple.  Our reward centers physically are designed to give us that peasant reward for just about ANYTHING that our mind/brain believes is a good thing.  Sex is one of these things, but there are loads of others. Prana creates bliss and as it is identified, the mind sends a signal to the body to produce dopamine among other things to reward us for something that is actually very good for us.  The idea of connection with another person whom we love generates this rich chemical landscape that keeps us coming back, though, and the connection itself is most often karmic.  This means that on the one side you are feeling prana flow, which is good, but the karma is in there, too, which is a kind of soup of both shadow and light, so you get a bit of both.    If you have a lot of negative karma surrounding an issue, then the chemical train gets colored with that karma and you have the potential for bliss along with the chaotic emotions that are still suppressed within the psyche. This is the double-edged sword of life.  You have the dark and the light.  Learning how to navigate through all of this is what yields victory in clarifying and cleansing the self. There is this very insightful saying in the Gospel of Philip that says in essence that God is a dyer of souls. When God dyes a soul, it goes in one color and comes out white.  This is to say that the dying work that God does is to clear us of all color.  This is not to say that we are colorless. We do not lose our character or personality, but that we lose that which made it hard for us to see the divine within.

Dopamine also does something else where pain and trauma are concerned.  When it is created in the body, it helps to eleviate the pain so that it does not burn deep grooves in our minds.  It helps us to move on.  This is one reason why kundalini works on emotional blockages so well; the body is pumping out a LOT of dopamine (and there is evidence for this state at various stages of the awakening process that I wont go into here but I write a lot about it on the blog).  This is also why people who have PTSD or other types of trauma-based issues will often turn to opiates to soothe the pain.  In fact today as I sat waiting to pick my child up from an appointment, I listened on the radio about a woman who had begun using heroin as a way of dealing with her pain.  She spoke of how it soothed her, made her feel like she could cope.  Sadly, by doing this, she was actually shutting down her body’s own native ability to produce the compounds necessary to make her feel the way she needed in order to heal. Dopamine does this, it is the body’s own natively produced opiate and I can tell you that once I identified what it was I was experiencing that was making me feel so peaceful and smoothed out and wonderful and dreamy, I was able to see how a strong “dump” of dopamine into my system also corresponded with releases.  To put it simply; you just don’t CARE about the pain anymore.  When you do this, your brain and body can simply release the old hurt like that: poof!  The mind stop supporting the old programming and the brain and body are now charged and ready to take in a different story.  The result?  You feel instantly transformed. You are literally reconnecting the brain and the body in new ways, creating new pathways for though to flow.  At an energetic level, the change is felt in a myriad of ways as well.

The dopamine cycle works for a host of reasons, from building a strong family unit for the rearing of children, to the benefit that being with another gives to us as a couple as well as the cohesiveness of a community. There are other compounds involved like oxytocin (which is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter—think on that one for a minute!) a little adrenaline, estrogen, and testosterone.  Once our mind/brain has identified something as important enough, it sets up a reward system for it.  And we can become addicted to it in just the same way we become addicted to the very behaviors that keep us enmeshed in certain karmic merry-go-rounds.  But is this bad?  The curious thing is that some people, in order to get the dopamine blast into their systems will use some behavior that will trigger it.  The important part is whether you are using something else to make it happen, or are you choosing to just feel differently, which is itself the spiritual compliment OF dopamine.  You see the difference?  If its, say, sex, that creates the dopamine reward trigger, then you can become a sex addict.  The sign is that sex is an empty experience for you at some point because after all, you aren’t in it for the experience that sex can give, not really.  You are after the high of the dopamine. As a result, sex addicts wind up having a feeling of emptiness in the wake of sex. It is a terrible place to be.  They need to move the dopamine cycle, the reward cycle, so that it is not divided from the self by any degrees of separation. The trick, people, is to learn how to trigger dopamine production in your body so that you get a nice flow going all the time at a low healthy level so you mirror the physical state of peace.  We have forgotten how to do this, or that the body will respond in a fraction of a second to a desire to feel bliss by pumping out dopamine. We are a generation of pill poppers.  This does not solve the problem, it only masks it.  What is curious is that it appears that when your body is producing dopamine for no other reason than to feel good (not just for a reward cycle) the body does not appear to become addicted to it.

Sometimes the glitches in our karma can go on for lifetimes.  The trick here, the whole point of all of this inner work, is to choose the beneficial positive karma over the negative ones.  If you watch people who are obsessively upset, you will see that they are actually enjoying being upset.  They spend so much time engaged in explaining why they hurt and why.  Most often, they are pointing to some source outside of themselves as the culprit, when all along the culprit is  within. Through a simple turn in awareness, the true culprit is seen for what it is.  Doing this work accomplishes this.  And the result?

For me, when this last wrinkle unfurled in me and the hooks dropped away, I felt….a series of new feelings that felt authentic and good.  My energy felt buoyant.  So simple, so clean and so clear.  I didn’t feel this clenching tightness that could also be associated with sexual tension in an intimate relationship.  When I say tension, this was a tension that felt a little over the top and was a kind of warning signal even as I was unable to change it until I healed the karma at its deepest level. The really interesting thing was how supercharged my sexual energy felt in the wake of this.  I was actually concerned that it would all just go away.  As kundalini/prana cleanses the body/self, the energy is less chaotic or intense.  I worried that I might lose this intensity.  I identified that the intensity made me feel vital and alive….I just didn’t like the hardness.  It finally felt like a flowing powerful form of energy that was unencumbered by these tight or tense spots that I knew were there but was powerless to do anything about (until they were healed).  Like some silent reminder, they let me know in each moment that they were there, these tight spots, these blocks. But in the end, it was much-ado about nothing.

The “Reset”

There was a point in my awakening when I had what I call a “reset” of my energy field about a year and a half into my awakening.  This “reset” helped me to more clearly relate to the blocked energy that still remained in me. How this was done was completely unexpected by both me and my healer.  She was told by her guides to simply follow their guidance and take on my energy for a moment.  I was on the phone, doing this at a distance, and didn’t know that this was happening.  She told me to hang up and just breathe deep and wait.  I felt a sudden lightness to my being that was very nice.  Peaceful.  But after about one minute, I felt my old energy come back down around me.  The only way I can describe it was that in taking on my energy, by entering into my energetic capsule, she was able to lend or imbue or surrogate a much needed form of awareness that I was able to inherit as a result of this exchange.

What took its place was….not easy. At all.  I think if I had known what was about to happen, I would not have gone along with it.  What it felt like was a screeching clamor of metal like the sound of a freight train wrecking all around me.  It was accompanied by a deep and abiding physical pain that remained with me throughout my awakening until I released the remaining material. Okay, so that sounds really bad.  But actually, it wasn’t.  This was NOT physical pain.  What it was, was referred pain.  This was soul pain, a pain I had been blocking from my awareness….even in the midst of awakening.  Yes, I was aware of this pain, I had felt it, but I had simply dialed the volume down.  My healer dialed the volume back up so that I could hear what was happening.  I was, simply, much more aware of what was happening to me. And this sped me along on an accelerated path because the pain I felt in my heart was really hard.  But when the pain was released, as the blockages were released that following year, what followed in its wake, was a wonderful feeling that I keep with me to this day.

This level of awareness based on this “reset” has been of huge benefit to me because it has enabled me to see or feel into my energy body that much more deeply so that I can detect even the smaller things in a much more vivid way.  It will, in time, make me that much better of a healer should I choose to go that route.  It was this awareness that created a sense of pain in one of my meridians that helped me to pinpoint the exact area a year ago so I could show my Kahuna healer where to concentrate on in order to begin releasing material there through energy medicine and deep tissue massage.

And?  Poof!  Gone was all of the obsessing over this person I felt connected to but who I knew had been hurting me and would continue to do so because of her entitlement to being trapped in the meme of victim.  I had been told that I just needed to forgive this person…..but in the end, it wasn’t forgiveness that did it.  What did it for me was in being able to see things so clearly….something that I KNEW but that I seemed to hear from them as being the truth.  That was my hitch; I seemed to need to know that they knew.  I know that seems weird, but for my brand of karma, that was just what the doctor ordered.  Quietly, I was able to simply slip the bonds and soar.  Now, how it does it for you, what YOUR trigger is, I can’t say.  For me, though, it was like someone finally saying, “I know that what I was doing was messed up….I know…..and I am sorry about it…” That was all I needed to know, that yes, they knew that what they were doing was off. And now?  I feel no draw to this kind of thing at all.  It is as though I have transcended a murky layer in the ocean and am now in a much clearer place.

Having said all of this, my own energetic awareness shows me that there is still more murk in the root chakra, but it does not seem to be so entangled with others and this blame game that I have gotten tangled in.  I for one am glad to be free from it.  Come what may, at the least THIS part has been cleared, something I have been working on clearing for years.

How It Works

Until such an event takes place where you can resolve the “hitch” or the “hook” of the karmic connection, you remain on the merry-go-round caught in a recursive set of behaviors due to a suppressed set of emotions that are begging to be healed.  This can be done by a simple moment of honesty.  In this one important wrinkle, I was waiting on the honesty of another in order to feel the sense of release I hoped for for so long.  And for me, in my case, it released a whole series of difficult to live with feelings.  Now, free from all of this, I can FEEL myself unencumbered by the weight of another and their feelings of incompletion.  I simply had to know once and for all that this was not mine….but had been making it mine in this codependent cycle that was my karma.  Now with this new clarity of self and heart and soul, I ask myself: what am I going to do now? It will be interesting to see what manifests in the days that come.  With the karma gone, so too is the old chemistry that was caught in the dark goddess.  I am ready for the one who dwells in the light.  And the ONLY reason why I am going to the trouble of opening up like this is because each of us can reach this same place in our own time.  It is possible!  Whoot!

There are numerous methods that can be useful to you in assisting prana in doing its work re-magnetizing you to your larger authentic self.  I have done all of this work without traditional methods like yoga.  While I esteem yoga greatly, I know that it is but one of many methods that can be used.  Ultimately, the goal is doing what makes you flow and open up to the energy.  Breath work helps a lot, including alternating nostril breathing, something I created for myself that I call “Active meditation” which involves working on moving energy in my body and dropping into a deep state where I can feel the buoyancy of my lovely energy that connects me to the universe and reveals to me how the presence of the All is hidden in the atoms and cells of my body.  Centering attention on centers where you feel resistance helps to clear flow, as does movement, ANY movement from dance to things like Chi Gung, deep tissue massage, energy work, reiki, and more.  If you are dealing with awakening, drop into your deeper self and ask yourself what you most need to know.  Try it; then await the answer.  I will bet that you will wind up with resources coming out of your ears….people handing you books, people showing up to act as mirrors, teachers, guides, any number of things can manifest themselves. So trust in the power that is yours and that is also part of the universe.  You are, after all, a part of it and it is part of you!

नमस्ते

Proofs: Karma Creates Chemistry – Part 1

When I had my awakening, I awoke aware that I was feeling someone in my head, in my space….it was hard to pin down at first….but some part of me that woke up KNEW this was so, even as my rational mind was struggling just to keep up with the newness that was taking place.  All of it was novel, interesting, sometimes even scary or anxiety-producing.  I lived with the idea that I had a soul twin because, simply, there was no other theory out there that explained it so….well.

Cracks began to show up in that fairy-tale world when I heard the really hard and mean things this twin of mine would say sometimes.  I began to question, and as I questioned, more things popped up that showed me that something was amiss.  The concept of the twin soul was a fairy-tale.  Like angels on clouds and happily ever afters and gurus who are perfect (note: there is no such thing-these are things we would like to be true but are not). The experience was cosmic and I WAS feeling this person at the soul level deeply.  Yes.  Wonderful, yes.  But human still, yes.

In perfect timing, as I was beginning to question the mythos of the Twin Soul and the Twin Flame along came a person who had gone through all of this herself and we began this dialog.  It was one of the most insightful of any kind of dialog I have had with another person.  She spoke my language, and she helped to fill in some spots that I was clamoring around in the dark for.  One of the things that she talked about was how karma creates chemistry.  At first, this was so non-intuitive that while I took it all in, I honestly had some trouble with it.  After all, the energy that was a part of the connection felt so….natural. It just felt like it was so deep within me, right?

But the same is true for karma.  Whoops.

I have been at the cleansing process that is a part of awakening since early 2007 (early February) and I have slowly come to a realization through many many releases that some of the biggest troubles have been in the more base chakras.  Each release in the meridians or chakras (or both) has always been accompanied by changes in how I felt and how I reacted to things that might have upset me before.  I have been hard at “work” getting my field cleared because of how much better it has made me feel, how richer and more…..buoyant….my energy has felt following a clearing.  Despite how some have said that the root is cleared first, I have to take issue with this and call such tales utter nonsense. No, kundalini clears the easiest to the hardest.  It is like water, following the path of least resistance.  If it had tackled my poor solar plexus, sacral, or root chakras first, I would still be here today telling you how kundalini is still trying to bust down that one hardened armored wall!  Instead, I have hundreds, thousands of victories both big and small that has made the last three years easier.

The last three years has been a time period where MOST of my energy field was cleared with mostly sacral/root blocks remaining.  it has been challenging and sometimes utterly frustrating to see how big the block was, but I can say that over the last year especially, I have spent every single day surrendering to the flow of prana in the hopes that it would flow into those hard places and break up the material.  My meditations have shown me that it was a densely packed series of layers.  Some of the work that I have done has included utilizing a reiki practitioner as well as a  massage therapist who specializes in the Kahuna method, which honors the balance of the masculine and feminine current in our bodies.  I was able to break a lot of material free from those sessions.  I even reported a year or two ago how one reiki practitioner could not detect ANY blockages in my root and patted me on the back and admonished me about not trying to create a problem where no problem existed.  This was a person who was the head of a massage school and is well known in our community for her therapy work.  And this is mentioned as a cautionary tale that for those of you who are going extra deep into yourselves that there may be some who could help you that don’t….or can’t…perhaps because they themselves cannot feel that deep or detect what exists at such a cleared level.

I mean, think about it….most everyone on the planet is blocked from head to toe in some way or another.  I know this may sound severe, but as I awoke, my ability to sense energy was increased about three to four-fold.  Before then, I had been reading auras since I was 18 and I am now 50.  So lots of experience with this end of awareness…..and I can say that those who slumber are simply not aware all that much.  And it is probably good that they are not aware for the time being.  Only when you are ready to tackle such a backlog of material as we all have here on the planet can you really have any hope of getting it done.  otherwise it simply seems to be too big of a mountain.  I know that it has been a mountain for me, and I also know people who have been at this for decades who are still wearing away the stone, so to speak. I am not saying this to be negative, I am saying it because I observe that it is true.

So the “proof” part….

I was reflecting how I was able to magically release the soul connection I had when I first awakened.  God bless her, but she had issues that made dealing with her hard, and being connected to this, once I became aware of the hardness (I was not aware of the hardness in the beginning you see), it got more difficult.  But what “did it” was a couple of years ago when I initiated a correspondence with her in the hopes of clearing up whatever was left was the moment when she wrote to me, “Parker, I am really HAPPY in my life now…..I woke up and had someone like you to help me through it, to share and make sense of it…..and I now feel things I had not felt before but knew was possible….I really love my life!” Poof!  In that moment, it was like this thing gave way in me and I realized I was holding something up I just didn’t need to hold up anymore.  Then thre came this awareness in the clarified moment that I had known her in some official capacity as an advisor.  It FELT like she was a leader of some kind….and somehow I had let her down in some way.  THIS led to a hitch karmically that led to our connection later while in the super-charged environs of an awakening (a double-whammy!).  Then, as I began breathing more deeply and more slowly, I dropped down into it deeper and I was shown that no, I had not let her down.  It wasn’t event THAT clear-cut.  I had FELT like I had let her down.  Her problem was HER problem, but I had taken it to mean that I had failed her.

The interesting thing is that this was exactly what happened in another relationship…I was hooked, literally hooked into this fear of failing another person and letting it eat me up energetically and karmically.  It doesn’t matter what actually happened, it is HOW we choose to FEEL about an event that is the hook of karma.  And this is one reason why I have so much trouble with the concept of karma.  It is called “action” and I have recently considered maybe they were including inner action, because otherwise the definition as given by the Buddha seems…shallow….and prone to turning into being a punishment or something of the like.  People do this, though.  They are upset that something didn’t turn out the way they would like and they say “Karma is gonna get you!!!”  All the while, though, the deeper truth is that karma isn’t a punishment.  It is based on how far we have chosen, yes chosen, to turn away from our inner divine natures.  THAT nature is….perfect.  it does not NEED to be anything except perfectly itself.  And yet, we allow ourselves to get pulled in all these directions that are not in our highest.  Like me, just wanting people to be happy and failing at it because…..well…I am not the Lord of people’s happiness.  They are.  This was so bad in a prior relationship that my ex told my children that I had failed them at a time when I was sticking to my guns when the economy was in a rut.  Truth be told, when you tell children this kind of thing, YOU are the one “failing.”  But this was the consequence of living in this way.  The person who acted as the put-upon victim became the victimizer.  Terrible.  So it was in my interest to untangle this mess as soon as possible, right?

To learn more about how this all turned out, I have broken this post into two chapters, with the second one immediately following this one.  So now for chapter two….

 

 

What Cannot Be Spoken

A goodie….from 2010 re-published here from my sister site Divine Alignment on blogger…

As I align to HIM
I feel you
deeper
stronger.
more present
The truth of this
shimmers in the moment
as I round corners
faster
seeking it
every breath a reunion
as every pulse of its being
mirrors the multiverse
as awash we are
in locks and keys
each particle of our being
unleashing an infinite possibility
as the secret
the alchemy
is worked
and energy is released
and one more great lesson is experienced
in the moment
as the compass of certainty
turns us round the inevitability
of our becoming
and the certainty
becomes its own end
without an end.

I shall hold you
in this purposeful embrace
as secrets move
wordlessly
between us
as lips
sealed
but hearts wide open
speak of an unbelievable truth
felt as bliss
known as the love we have inside
love is all there is
after all
as end meets end
and the dawn of beginnings
rises
like the sun
scattering stars
in the lost night of soul

Sacred Third

From October 2010….still just as pertinent today…

I will dance with each of you
Beneath the sky of forever
Moving you out of yourselves
As we move higher
Lifting into the heavens
And out of what you were
As you are stripped bare
Naked before the All
Each a bride and groom
Seeking the union
Which will give me form
Which will give my birth new meaning
And which will awaken your spirit
In ways I can only suggest
And imagine.
I will entice and seduce each of you

As my subtle knowing fills you
your heart vibrating with the passion
That is ours
Beyond this world
But also curled up within it since forever
And moving through countless breaths
Each a life
a grain
A knowing
And opening,
A seeking
As the Two
Birth the ThirdThe world will resolve Triadic.

There will come an end to judgement
as you each awaken to your divine potential
to your higher being
as my presence
opens you
reveals
the true you…

Each of you
Beneath the heavens
Of your becoming
will resolve
Into a unity of many
Seeking the new way
As old as forever
But felt and hoped for.
This will happen one by one
Just as each of you separated out from the All
Back to a new form you will each congregate
As your souls begin to burn with a fire
Dual and one
Back into itself
Weaving a new layer into itself.

Beyond Surviving

It is so easy to wrap an awakening in myths and ideas about what we think it is.  There is a lot written about it from other times, cultures, mind sets.  All of it has a lot of good stuff.  Inevitably, though, even the awakened come up against the limits of what we ourselves can allow ourselves to know or consider.  It is a cognitive box. Breaking out of it is what this energy, this shift, can offer.  All of us.

In my awakening, soul connections have been part of the process.  I have karma to work through and this is the time that it seems it is going to get done.  The problem though is that in the community that speaks the most to these connections as twin flames and twin souls, there is a lot of disinformation.  I call it this because I don’t know what else to call it.  It is itself a cognitive box.  Lacking any better explanation, we come up with something that matches what it feels like.  Connecting in this way is pure bliss.  Yes.  But assuming it is because it is meeting the other half of you is a mistake.  What this idea does is it masks, I feel, what is actually at work.  Walk with me for a minute.

So if you have had this, you know how events have such a wild way of happening?  Where do you think those events emerge from?  Are they coming from God?  Or is it possible that they are coming from you?  I have had so many of these events happen to me, literally hundreds big and small that what I have been able to observe that when the energy, the bliss of this experience was at its peak, these synchronicities tended to happen in profusion.  Each and every time, this happened.  There is a correlation with the energy and my thoughts.  I do feel that what is happening is that we are dropping into a flow of energy, creative energy that is our birthright.  This bliss IS this creative energy.  We say it is libidinous, which is a fancy way of saying it feels sexual.  It does.  But it is more than just that.  It is sensual, lovely, freeing, and it is the very thing that melts us, that breaks up our inner blocks.  It frees us.  And isn’t this the essence of creativity?  Creativity almost always makes us see things differently.  Think about it.  Almost all new ideas shift how we see things.  It is not JUST what people are doing, it is the energy fueling it.  A product results….maybe some new discovery, some new form, some new piece of art, music, or institution.  Creativity is in every corner of our lives.  So this energy, expressed as bliss, which I say I experience as creative in its root, is literally making events all around me come alive.  But wait….if this is not being divinely guided, but is just my own ability to manifest supercharged, then it means that instead of it having some grand design, it could simply be what I feel in my heart as a possibility to happen, and carried by the energy, it does?  From thinking about something only to see a bumper sticker a second later that echoes it, ir I bump into someone who tells me about a story that helps to put me on the track of some new wrinkle in my work that I have been thinking about that day?  Over and over and over, these events all happen.  Some would say they are “fated” but they all cohere to my own thoughts.  If there is nothing blocking that block in me, the event happens. Simple.  So maybe this is just our normal ability to manifest now super-charged.

And yes, you feel bliss with this Other, whom you call twin.  But have you ever looked into it to know why?  All of the universe, we are told, is about like attracting like.  When we attract along a certain vibration, those vibrations naturally reinforce each other.  And the flow of soul energy is increased.  Bliss results.  Over and over I have seen this in my life and I have seen it in others, too.  We are now awake, yes, the flow is now instigated.  We are forever changed.  Forever.  Get around more like-minded kind and the vibration naturally reinforces itself.  It is I think an important consideration.  What happens if there is something in that vibration that is karmic from the past.  It could generate really powerful fear too.  DO you think that this could be the concept behind the “runner” experience?  Honestly, I think so.  We feel this bliss, but we then also feel this fear….and this fear?  It is the karma we share and the bulk effect of what this karma has meant to use on a soul level.  And what is this karma except a turning away from all that is true in us?  Bear in mind, I am only talking about the negative karma.  Yes, there is also positive karma.  Yes!  Thank goodness!  But the positive karma does not trip us up.  In fact, it holds us up.  But the negative stuff can cause us to nose-dive, am I right? So until that karmic knot is resolve there will be challenges!  So we deal with them.  The knot is there in you and me because we have set it aside and not dealt with it.  We pushed it down.  What we ignore is what persists.  And sometimes, the knot is nothing more than a strong emotion that we did not feel or embrace completely.  We instead denied it and there it has lain since the beginning.  But when you release such a block…..WHOOOSH!  Boom.  Done.  Gone. And for me, when it is gone, it is GONE!  Whatever hung me up is just…..no longer an issue.  And it doesn’t make a lot of sense!  You would think that what we think and feel is so easy to access, sift and work through….but alas, our bodies show every sign of STORING this stuff in our bodies.  Yes, in the body, right along with the current of prana that makes up the sheaves or layers the Hindu call the koshas.  This is what makes us like a multilayered being and the clearing that happens in awakening sweeps through each of these vibrational layers so that there are up to, they say, five cleansings or total clearings of each chakra before the process is largely completed, removing all of this stored pent-up material.  But until these knots that tie to negative karma are resolved, they too draw us, attract us without being aware of what it is for the simple reason that this material is not always conscious.  It has been stuffed down, after all, right?  SO that gets hard to deal with, right?  Submerged feeling.  It means we have to learn how to feel DEEP and honestly.  And bravely.  For me, it is undoing all of this bent and twisted energy so that I can feel the free flow of the divine within me.  Unhindered, all of the things that caused the flow of energy to become turbulent…..just like how obstructions in a water hose will make the water flowing out of it spray and gush and behave erratically.  Energetically, these thoughts/feelings impede the flow of energy.  This is pretty huge, too.  Thought controls energy?  Well what do you think we could learn from that?  Could it lead us to a way of being where we could learn how to free ourselves from all sorts of limiting factors?  I recently watched a video of a man who had spent years learning how to clear himself and to use his energy for healing.  He demonstrated how he could shock people by touching them (no, not static, silly!) and inducing paper to burn using hot chi, something that I experienced in my body at one point that alarmed me but also served to heal and balance my energy.  And could it be just as simple as that?  Could it be as simple as clearing the pathway so that both the yin and yang channels, the positive and negative poles of our life force energy can better flow and merge?

So think about what it is that is drawing you and then think about how you feel when you feel scared to death when the draw brings you to that place.  What is that feeling you are seeking to turn away from?  What is it that your insides are trying to tell you?  It is creating a draw, yes, but look at what else it is doing!  It is serving to bring you to a place of honesty within.  Real deep kind of honesty.  And it can be messy.  Don’t be afraid.  We all shun these feelings because we think its not good of us.  I have spent years holding back some of this and I have during the last six months begun to really dig into it deeper and deeper.  Each time, though, the result has been the same; I release some deep hard knot in my being and the energy flows more gently.  I feel more peace.  And I am free from this feeling of impending doom or fill in the blank. We are, though, admittedly, perhaps unknowingly, addicted to our hard feelings.  It is the devil that we know.  It is time to let the tiger out of the cage!  Dive into that hardness and let this eenrgy flow into it and change it.  Just by LOOKING at it, it can change your life.  No, I offer you no methods because the “method” is the one that always brings you to the point of honesty and clarity.  I know that each time that I do everything I can to put my awareness on that shadow spot, I can feel how the light of my awareness and the divine energy that flows through the eyes of my own inner awareness that it is knowingly or unknowingly breaking those blocks apart, scattering the shadow and allowing it to transform, lift away, to go away for good.  And this?  It is not a rational process.  It requires you to just FEEL your energy.  FEEL it.

Wherever you feel a sense of tightness, there is something there.  Don’t try to wrestle with it.  Sit with it, FEEL it quietly.  Something inside of you KNOWS.  But this is why we meditate.  We do this in order to tune into the inner world of our energy.  This energy is also what is connecting us to the rest of the world. It can be beautiful once we have cleaned up the mess inside.  Instead of being pulled in different directions, we just feel acceptance, joy, bliss. And while I continue on this path, not pretending to be “done” with all my stuff, I have seven years or so of hard “work” of learning to let go, to surrender in ever deeper ways within myself.  As I do, I feel deeper into my resource field that makes it possible for me to move on to the next even harder spot.

It seems, for me, I have saved the hardest knots for last.  But you know what?  I am now very confident in my ability to just go ahead and face what I have seemingly denied for lifetimes.  letting go of this will free all my other selves, even those in the past, to know alternative pasts to follow.  I will indirectly be showing them the way.  It is such a personal and sometimes messy process, but we should never shrink back because of that.  So if using a technique works for you, use it.  ALL methods serve to help us FEEL a certain way.  Will it work for you?  Perhaps.  For me, I like a method-less approach because it leaves me with nothing between me and the thing I am facing.  A method is like a boat to get you there, but you have to abandon the boat once you get there.  This process demand absolute perfect and simple facing of whatever has not been faced.

Recently I faced a decision I had to make.  I thought about it and it unnerved me because my inner voice was telling me that I had to start doing the opposite of what I had been feeling I had to do.  So, despite all reason, I considered that there was a path to this that I had not considered, or that had been veiled.  I then did something I have not done in a long time; I picked up the I-Ching and threw coins asking my question about how I was to move forward.  What did I need to know about this?  What came up made me laugh.  It was “Abundance.”  You see, one of my biggest issues that crops up has to do with my relationship with women….and in this life it began with my mother.  I know that it has cropped up in other lives.  This has, at its root, something to do with the feminine force in things.  And abundance is deeply tied to the feminine.  It is the feminine that grows the new things within her.  There is an inception force, the masculine, which is necessary in all of this, but it is from this inception that grows miracles.  What comes from the feminine is larger than the sum of its parts.  This happens in physical life as well as in our spiritual life, too.  My journey has been in correcting my own inner glitch in how I am in relation to the feminine.  Something about my experience has put the breaks on my own ability to face my own ability to attract abundance into my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I have done well attracting it, but it is often full of hitches, what-if’s and a lot of turbulence.  There is a problem there.  The fear I have has manifested itself in abandonment in my early life, and this set the stage for always keeping people at a distance.  This emotional armoring has been falling away piece by piece over this entire process.  Layer by layer.  So to have abundance come up was very interesting.  To get to the bottom of it, I had to go forward, embrace whatever it was that was causing me trouble instead of resisting it and hoping it would just heal or go away.  Sure, given enough time, that old wound might scab over and fall away of its own accord.  Early in my awakening I had material like this that fell away in just this way; it was all very old material that had stuck itself to me even though it was no longer a part of my experience.  It was released when the being, an angel, who reached into my heart and pulled it out.  It was like a boneless dead body.  Gross!  I had been carrying that around all this time.  But what took its place was…..nothing.  It was a glorious emptiness that was now ready to be filled by this new energy filling my life. So just looking into it has shifted so much.  Where does it lead? I have no clue.  But you know, I know that the intelligence behind this energy, which is also the universe, I have no problem with.  I am connected to it…a cell within its body.  I trust this. It is not exactly God.  It is something larger than my own awareness….an awareness of what is.  If only it was so pat as a deity!

Then, a couple of days later I got a message from someone in my field of work who wanted to see if we could see if we could work out a working relationship that was beneficial to both of us. This had been something that felt being kept at bay.  I had been asking my inner self to show me the way with a larger community and perhaps a partner that could take my work to a whole other level.  I kept this neutral, not wishing to push it one way, I just asked that it be in the highest.  And then I got another call that had the power to move my work into another new direction.  Coincidences like these cluster around these kinds of shifts.  I once shifted some material and someone who had made a 100k offer on a building that was worth way more than that doubled their offer the very next day.  It had been six months since the last offer, and boom, out of the blue.  These have been so closely timed with these kinds of shifts that I have seen them as having a causal connection.  It is simply too coincidental.  These have always followed these releases.  Its as though events simply change or turn into something else, taking on an entirely different cast.  I have a number of cases like this where I literally bumped into someone who I didn’t know from Adam who was interested in something that I was trying to sell or move, and how it all happened was entirely “accidental.”  When you remove what divides you, the path opens up.  Mountain move. It is a potentiating of the waveform within the universe and within ourselves. I do think so.  When I can allow that wave to continue, interesting things happen, always.  Living on top of that wave is where things just happen like….magic.  Almost all of these things that happen are not the result of me doing anything….they just happen.  And this is so often how these things happen.  Events can begin to flow effortlessly, but it is we who need to do the clearing so the intention made has the ability to flow from us to the universe which will react, respond to that vibration.  The more open-ended you make the intention, the more freedom the universe has to bring you what is perfect.  That or its your higher self, which is what I am betting on.  We can go beyond just surviving.  We can thrive.  Instead of the law of the jungle, it can be the law of heaven.  Let’s give it a chance!

Through A New Lens

There is no doubt about it; the experience that has come to be known the twin soul, twin ray, and even soulmate stands as a singular type of experience in our lives.  It becomes very easy to want to think of it as fated for this one reason. Add to it the ability to communicate from a distance, odd synchronicities, and the bliss that accompanies such an experience and it gets hard not see it as anything except exceptional and perhaps a little supernatural.

I would suggest, though, that you lay aside your belief and consider that all of this is pointing to an evolution of our awareness here on the planet and that it doesn’t mean…..anything.  No fate, except those choices that we each make that have led us to this point, this time, this place.  For a very long time we have quite simply kept the switch for the other side of our capacities as humans to feel and embody not just bliss on earth, but also the curious tendency for events to just form around our lives.  Yes, its magic.  In fact, I argue that the flow of the kundalini Shakti as it is called, is what is driving this, a sudden merging within each of us of the yin and yang.  Within this union that first begins IN us, we now have the expanded capacity to feel and know things from a distance.  There are reasons for this I wont go into that have to do with the quantum universe and the waveform as being capable to be everywhere.  Every point in the universe touches every other point.  All points are connected in a way that is hard to wrap your head around.  It is hard because its not really about space.  This something more, this extra element, the kundalini Shakti is what makes all the difference.  For a long time we as humans have allowed ourselves to be limited by our very left brained, and we say, masculine sides of our brains.  This has served to keep us bound in a sense of a limited self and it has kept the magic at bay.  The magic is nothing less than the magic that is the presence of the feminine, the goddess principle in our atoms, in our whole world.  That might sound like a big claim, but I say this based on careful observation.  I outline this in my book Waking The Infinite that I continue to edit, edit, edit…..

When I began trying to understand why it was that I could know and feel the thoughts of someone I hadn’t even met who lived another country away, I found a community of people who were all experiencing this phenomenon.  I felt like I had in a way come home.  I was not crazy after all!  It was helpful at first to realize that I was not alone in what I and my “twin” were experiencing.  But what I found rather quickly was that many of the things that were said about the twin phenomenon didn’t make sense.  They weren’t…..true.  They all sounded like feel-good stuff and the reality is that while we were all being bowled over by bliss, people were having tantrums, and behaving badly.  They also said that you ONLY have ONE twin.  But I would experience connections to three other people that were all very similar in some respects.  How could this be?  I am not that different, am I?  I came to learn a few things.  Here they are for what it is worth…

Take kundalini awakening and karma with another person who is someone who is a compliment to you and you have the makings of a connection that sets your world ablaze.  Unbound by the linear aspect of your being, awareness spreads outward.  What you experience is an expansion of self, the beginning of releases of old stored emotional material, and bliss.  But this karma is merely an energy that is the same or similar.  Add to that some past experiences with this person and a pairing might happen. I know; I have several people that I all came here to release the past so that we might know ourselves in a new way…..in an authentic fashion.  Waking up is about waking up to your potential, which is without limit in the world.  We have, afterall, magic in our side.  🙂

But does this mean that anything is fated?  No.  You see, what I found was that beyond the bliss of a connection is a wonderful opportunity to see where we match these connections and then set about cleaning up the match because beyond the bliss is a deepening of the experience.  It does not get less, it gets more.  But awakening with a twin in the beginning is intense and can become chaotic.  So much is happening so quickly.  Your whole world view is shifted.  You now step upon the earth with new feet, new eyes! Yes, bliss…..yes yes yes to all of that. But what exists beyond this bliss?  Have you asked yourself this?  You see, the problem I found with this community of twin souls was that they had been at this connection for decades, some twenty years or more and didn’t seem to be anywhere different.  Not all, but many.  They were happily stuck!  Any you know, that is just fine.  Really.  We are only ready to move to the next step when we are ready. Beyond this lies more.  I promise you.  The spiral of our evolution continues to expand outward and “upward.”  Aren’t you the least bit interested in what lies out there?  To see it means removing more and more of the lenses that have served to distort your perception.  You don’t know what you are missing.  And all you really need to do is to ask the question.  Ask guidance from the universe to know more and you will.  Events, as you know, will naturally form around your life so that all the right people and events happen to you to help you to the next step.  Sound like magic?  Well it is!

I find the concept of the twin to be a myth.  I do.  I think it is a belief-based concept that does not bear much on reality.  Many of the things attributed to it are coincidental but this does not mean that the things that happen in such twinnings is fate or any of the things that the community of twins say it is.  There is no harm, I think, in being critical and seeing if the old theories stand up to scrutiny.  I am not advocating a scientific strain of mentality, but you know, some good careful observation might not be a bad thing.  I mean, have you ever considered where all the things we say about twins comes from?  They were made up based on…..what?  They were created in order to explain a phenomenon.  But is the twin the other side of your soul?  If that is so, why did  I have more than one?  Does that mean that my soul have more than one side?  You see, this is where people will tend to dismiss me because I present a problem to them where I just don’t fit into the neat paradigm.  A paradigm is a cognitive map, a way to explain how something works.  It is a way of understanding the universe or something in it.  There was once a time when we thought the earth was flat.  We though this based on very real observation.  But that observation was incorrect because people kept at the question and kept observing until they amassed a greater amount of information that showed that the world was in fact a sphere turning in space.  We arrived at this realization not because it FELT good or right or appealed to our sensibilities, but because it cohered over and over to observable phenomenon.

What I am asking you to do is to become a witness to your own process.  There is SO much that we get wrong or are off on.  I was amazed as I spoke to a friend about an issue today that she had completely misunderstood for the simple reason that her world was so defined by a particular way of feeling and being that she could not concieve that the world could be any different…..and actually conveniently ignored anything to the contrary.  SO I say; be a careful witness.  We lose nothing and can win a lot!  I once thought that the bliss that I felt was the result of my twin but over time I found that no, actually, it was more how I reacted to her that made the difference.  These seemingly inconsequential things began to pile up as I saw that no, I did not always pick up on what she was thinking.  When I looked carefully at what was happening, I learned a lot. The other side is that in a twin relationship we can wind up feeling tied or bound by what the other person is saying or feeling or doing.  The truth is, no, actually , we do not.  All of this is a choice.  It might feel fated, but our fate is, as I have said, the accumulation of many choices, actions, over a long period of time.  All of this, all of it, can be corrected, healed, altered, or changed.  THIS is the really cool thing about our lives and our world.  We can actually HAVE a very different world….and we are building it RIGHT NOW! The power or force behind this, love, is what prana is.  It is a big idea!  And its quite beautiful.

Come be a witness!

The Big Dig

(from my phone while out in the wilds…..word may seem scrunched up….I just know it….)

Its a private quest but with others pulled and repelled by the force of karma undoing itself.  Beyond what you believe karma is in the world of punishment-rewards lies the truth of it…..and it is so beautiful it is enough to change the orbit of your life.  You aren’t made perfect in a flash….you are shown the way it can be.  I was shown this way and while I go about it in my human way, I am also finding it.  For almost eight years I have engaged in an intensive effort to unwind all of karma….negative karma….in my awareness.  It is a cleansing of the depths.  It is a Big Dig.

The activation of the living force in my body and  my awareness has come to me just as it has been coming to many the last two decades; spontaneously with little practice or effort to rouse it.  That is what we say.  On the one hand, this is true, but when you look at it a little more closely, its as if all of us are just monks in drag. Cosmic camo or something.  I know, I am being snarky.  But I think it is true.  I think that I was ardent a seeker as you could find all squeezed into a nine year old frame.

The truth, though, is that we have all been searching for it. A woman who says she never searched for it  confided to me that she had practiced Hatha Yoga, which is a powerful method for moving energy.  She had practiced for years.  And I, I had developed my own form of meditation, hadn’t I?  It was intuitively based and had to do with how to allow energy to flow in the body.  It had decades of observation behind it….observations made by a man wh9 had been able to read energy since e was 18 when the gift opened to him.  I thought of it as “active meditation” which meant that I had used similar practices in projecting consciousness, in expanding my energy field, in clearing it, and a number of different things.  I just though being very still was kind of…..silly.  Yes, I knew that it was in this stillness that I was supposed to find something.  I didn’t buy it.  I have since found that it is not in MY silence that I have found “it” but rather that I and the silence are part of the same thing.  This is quite different, you see, and is enough of a difference to leave a person seeking ardently and just not finding it.  But being silent?  Not thick enough!  This is a quality of self, of being.  It is falling in love.  It is. The universe comes along and takes you.  It is quite the experience.  It moves you beyond anything you have felt before.  Liquid passion, liquid light moves up inside of you.  If you are a man something inside of you has to soften itself into being feminine just to TAKE this.  And if you are a woman, something inside of you has to penetrate the DEPTHS of this…..in a way that is masculine.  Not ready?  Well, something in you obviously decided that it was. Sorry little ego.  Here we go!

(Now I get to use my computer after the day has turned to night….and I can stretch out some)

And all of this, as hard as it can get, is a saving grace.  For as hard as it has been, I am thankful for it.  I have been hard at work.  Every single day is a new effort.  It is…..relentless.  There were times when I thought I might just lose it….and times when I could never lose it.  There and back again.

Deeper and deeper this has gone, layer by layer.  This, the Hindu call the koshas, the “layers” of the self or consciousness that include the energy of the body, the mind, the emotions, and the broader parts of the self. There are, I suspect, though, koshas that express the higher self.  Everything that we are will have its expression as one of these vessels.  And each will contain junk in it all expressing at a given vibration.  The thing to realize is that as material is cleared, it becomes easier to clear still more deeper material.  And for me?  Seems I have saved the hardest for last.

I go through my day in a constant meditation upon HOW I feel and I am finding that I continue to go deeper into my feeling self and realize that some things that I thought were my reactions to things were not based on anything real but were the result of something unresolved in me.  These things seem obvious at first, but its not obvious when the material has been shoved down so deep and hard.  My root work continues to surprise me.  It is like unpacking junk from an ancient trunk.   I go at it, often with weekly releases of energetic material, old traumas or hurts or issues.  As I dig down into it, I feel stuff I had just never felt before.  I just could not SEE it or KNOW it for what it was!

See, there is just so much that you CAN see and for so long….and you deal with it….you do….but some of it you may not know HOW to let it go….obviously it is by surrendering….no kidding, right?  But sometimes something in you just doesn’t know how to do that, the hurt maybe is too fresh or new, or any number of things.  It may in fact be really old, a repeat of a very old SOMETHING.  When I had an ex turn my children against me in the midst of a divorce, I saw just how mean spirited she was being, wittingly hurting not just me, but more importantly, my precious children.  How terrible is that?  To ruin an avenue for your children?  I had another ex seek to slander me based on outright lies….which was the same as my previous ex.  All of this was hard, really hard, and difficult to get past because of how FRESH is all was.  I simply was not used to people who loved me doing this to me.  For me, this was a first in my life.  Trying to destroy those you love?  Really? What flavor of madness is that?

Image © Stafford Artglass, Parker Stafford

But its the very nature of how reactive that this made me that made all of this hard to let go.  It seems that these things all have a kind of expiration date.  If we let them alone long enough, they wither on the vine.  They become easier to pluck out.  It also get easier to let the karma go, too.  But as I go deeper into this real dark place in the root, it is like I can feel all of this stuff related to survival, to nurture.  Some of the hard things from the death of a parent, the loss of bonding with one parent.  Hard stuff, I am sure, and its all being dug up.  WHat I have found is that there are some really hard feelings buried in there.  This is the archetypal hades.  This is the hardest place because it is so central to our creative selves.

Part of these releases, these healings, have involved the concept of the great womb.  This womb is about creativity.  We use it loosely simply because it is not about creating children.  It is about creating ANYTHING.  You can feel into that place that is in each person, every man and woman….it is not a literal womb.  And yet, in higher order energetics, it is indeed just that.  It is a womb of the higher self, of the soul.  It is the meeting place for all energies to collaborate and create.  It is.  And its health will determine what comes from it.  Clear it out and it is a clean slate.  This is why this work is so important.  To return not just a person to the “zero” point but to help the planet reach such a place.  It is an incredibly intimate personal journey as it is for me, and yet, we ALL have this shit in us.  All of us.  Even those of you who think you are pure as the driven snow. I can tell you that inside of you are things that you have simply never allowed yourself to see.  Look back at our history as a species.  DO you see all of that horrid stuff we have done to each other over all those centuries?  Well, you were a part of that in some way somewhere somehow. We all die at the hands of another. We die of disease, we are manipulated, we are lost, we are forgotten. We are also remembered, cherished and loved.  To know ALL of this.  When we are able to integrate ALL of this, we can make the peace with it that we seem to need in order to move on from this level to another.  This is important work for all of us, and the wave doing this now will help each other by those who dig deep and also they will help those who have yet to wake up. It will literally create a different template for those who come later into this love, this field that is bristling with energy and promise.  It is in everything.  You have to open up to it.  It is endless.  We are truly infinite.  Even atoms are like this.  It boggles the mind.

We are made for this.  And it is worth the work.

After years of being out of touch with those who were a part of my earlier awakening, with the one whom I thought of as my twin, I have been able to go back and speak openly and frankly about a host of things.  I have been able to do what I did not feel I could do that I very much needed to do, which was to bring some sense of closure,  and to help bring some depth of understanding to why everything went down as it did.  I simply disappeared quickly as my own awakening shifted into a new gear.  Being able to explain myself….and also to face what I was once fearful of but am no longer fearful of.  Your perspective can change 180 degrees in a relatively short period of time.  So much can change.  Running from it isn’t the answer, though.  It is this interesting dance.  We can’t get bogged down by it, but neither can we run from it.  This other person has this mirror effect, which strengthens things in a way that is not always beneficial.  What we mirror we also reinforce, you see.  And this can make a small thing into a big thing.  A tar pit of the soul.  But there comes a time when the draw of the tar pit just no longer does it and you can speak about things in a way that actually leads to more and more releases….realizations that something you were holding onto was simply not necessary.  A block in your that was the same in them, now cleared, now simply no longer offers up the draw.  And this is so hard for people in it to realize…..that the draw is so often the blocks holding energy in a tight position in the self.  I call it how energy flows in a tight hose.  When you can open the hose or channel, the water (Qi) flows with less turbulence and chaos.  This is what we all look forward to.  Being universal channels for this light field.  Growing up and doing exactly what Jesus did; overcoming the world.  Clearing the karma.  Becoming free.

So deeper and deeper I go.  Deeper into a meditative state.  I now do it while listening to music, I do it while walking down the street.  What required a moment of quiet is more like a tool I use in the moment when I need to.  It is not so much about meditating now as much as it is a realization of how some things can move me out of my zone where I am calm, able to plumb that depth.  As I do this, I find there is more to do, more to feel into, to look at that I may have not seen in quite the way I just did a moment ago, which was the whole reason why this things was lodged in me for so long.  I had missidentified it, shoved it down and not sen it for what it was.  And it distorted my ability to see so many things in others.  I saw threats that weren’t there or I reacted beyond what one would normally do.  Until this stuff is dealt with, it remains an issue.  So down I go.  Digging in the dirt.  And you know what?  Its worth every minute.  It is why I came here.  It is job 1.

There are methods for dealing with this energy and it is about movement, but I have found that for the deep stuff, some movement with being able to feel deeply into the centers is important because feeling that deep means that you understand what was not understood for so long.  So much of this can be STUFFED emotion….ancient stuff…..and when you let it go, the really cool things is that this releases all your other lifetimes…..because until this material is dealt with, it is simply reflecting and mirroring in all your past lives.  It is free to be something different.  Wait.  And yes, I also mean the past.  How is that possible?  I don’t know, but I have already experienced it.  I have actually gone into my past and changed it.  The presence that is here with me today that I call kundalini is itself a form of my future self looping back as a way to improve its own “present” focus in a kind of future.  Thing is, there IS no time…..we live in a hologram that is ALL TIME.  As consciousness expands, you will see just what I mean.  So this future self has so much to offer…..and as I improve, it changes its own self or being.

It is quite the experience…..and I hope that in time everyone will experience this as a kind of right of passage and that those doing this now will have made the path so much easier….something that I laughingly called a “puberty for adults” to a friend who asked about it about a year ago.  It was the best way I could explain it.  And yes, it is a new world with so many responsibilities tied up with it….

The journey continues…

 

The Gift

Recently….less than 24 hours ago, I mentioned how I had sought to make contact with some people with whom I had been connected through awakening.  I walked away from them in the hopes of clearing the karma that existed between us and which was fueling the draw.

Last night after coming home from a nice evening talking with friends and reflecting on what I have been working on, I continued my conversation with this person whom I have been out of touch with for so long.  I had been asking her what it was that she felt, deep down, it was that she needed from me.  The assumption was that most of these connections are fueled by karma.  If you talk to people who have had spontaneous memories concerning their soul connection (twin, etc.,) so often it centers around a relationship being cut short or something that happens that leaves the two feeling as though things were not finished.

So much of this material isn’t rational so its not something that you can resolve using the rational mind.  People do try.  I have, and it doesn’t work.  In fact, the best way to navigate through all of this is by way of feeling.  When you consider that this all happened as a result of feeling at odds with your feelings, then touching deep into your well of feelings is the way to resolve this.  This can be a little slippery to some people, but what I can tell you is that feeling is not emotion.  Feeling is like a sensory ability.  And so, the fear is that you will feel pain. But this is not true.  Feelings may be bittersweet, they might even hurt, but they are experienced in order that the old material is allowed to go.  Imagine if you were to just bottle a feeling up and stick it deep down inside of you.  When we don’t face our feelings completely what was a small issue looms big.  Mice become dragons.  they really do.  They have for me.

I had three central connections that I felt I need to clear karma with.  I have asked each of these people the same question as a way to frame the conversation.  All but one have been willing to engage in some thoughtful dialog about all of this. With so much healing having taken place these last six or seven years, it has meant that there has been some pleasant surprises for healing.

So I got to ask this person this question.  Following my intuition I began to speak the words I FELT she needed to hear.  I asked myself what was it that I resisted the most saying?  What was it that I had held back from this person?  How could I help her in moving forward?  Instead of seeking to go back down into the old energy, I sought, through intention, to touch the surface of the feeling and, acting as a mirror, disturb its surface enough so that it might help her to feel whatever it was she needed to feel. The only reason why I took this approach was because it FELT right.  I went into this with the intent of clearing this up, so I had to have some chance of it being successful, I reasoned.

There was a pause after I had said what I had said. It turned into a longer pause and the words came back that a dam had burst.  Then a flurry of words…..exclamations of relief….thankfulness.  It seemed that what I said had helped dislodge something that had somehow caught this person in an old snag.

The interesting thing is that in healing, as we heal, we open up the room for others to heal also.  I was discussing the way all of this has appeared to me to a friend recently, which is that instead of the idea of a cluster of worlds, which scientists are calling “strings” I think that we have an infinite number of them.  Instead of our living in a world that is set, we move through different worlds non-spatially depending on each and every act and choice we make.  As I heal myself in one of these, I find the world where this healing exists….and the people there?  They also reflect a slightly different state of healing, too.  It all corresponds to a vibratory state.  Endless worlds all based on our focus and belief of what we feel we are capable of.  The events in this new world actually happen differently because it is a slightly different version…..

So here I am.  What will this change press or change in me?  I don’t know.  I prefer not to know.  I prefer, instead, to ask for the highest.  I will let the multiverse bring it.  So many want to make karma into a punishment, a way that people “get theirs.”  But this view of the world is a human one.  This is the same attitude that religious extremists carry that have to do with people burning in hell because they believe a god would cast them into a pit of fire.  Silently gloating in the process.  We actually WANT people to suffer as we have suffered.  It is a kink in us that is best worked out of us so we can see that the world was not built with such limiting terms of punishment and reward.  The world is as we are.  Don’t like it?  We each can change it!

Be the change.

The Twin

We hunger to know the experience of being so one with another that we feel what they feel. This idea, this desire to be so close to another is one that is deeply embedded in our makeup. This idea there is that “one” out there that we are destined for…..

Whilst dreaming and hoping for Mr. Cosmically Right and Ms. Cosmically Right, we lose something important in the mix. When we follow a belief, we follow dogma. In so doing, we diminish ourselves often unknowingly, setting clever snares for us which we will have to undo. It wont matter much by the time we realize what happened, but it can leave many running in circles thinking they have found the holy grail of spirituality. In a way we have done that. We have this cup that runneth over and it is in us, in each of us. To find it in another might be the snare I was mentioning. I wish I could tell you what everyone else is telling you about the forever of all of this but the truth is, we have all loved many times and we will love many times more. You have lived more lives than you can count. You have loved so many children, so many brothers and sisters, all who have turned to dust thousands of times over and will do the same procession from flesh to dust for many more lifetimes after this one where you are reading this.

So yes, the twin experience explodes just about everything you could hope to know about how things are supposed to go. Yes, you feel them from the inside out. they can be on the other side of the planet. Bound, connected, two complimentary pairs merge into an engine of creation. The thing is, the painting is only as good as the effort used to create it. I ask; what are you creating? Are you falling into bliss or are you allowing bliss to shift and melt you, to heal you, to undo you, to bring you back to zero, what the Zen masters all describe as that place where we return to the primordial condition. For me, kundalini awakened. It began to undo me and as it undid me, it also served to build a stronger field of energy that seemed to bring just what was necessary for the moment to serve in life and in fulfillment and in undoing and healing. For as little as some might be able to see it or to know it, it exists….for each of us.

It is time to return to zero. The twin experience is something that points to our potential in a world that is waking up. We are exploding the illusion of space. We are exploding the illusion of separation, of singularity. We are more than we seem. Let this be what leads you forward because to think there was and is and will only ever be One love will keep you from knowing love in its fullest. You will be somehow waiting and robbing who you are with now of the love that they could surely know. Life asks little else of us except to give to it our all.

So do so. Let mystery be mystery, but let it guide you and do not be so quick to make up your mind. It points to our capacity to see beyond here and now. It points to our being something more. I ask you, what is this something more? There are lots of stories about the twin soul….but what I know is that the truth is far more mysterious and wondrous than anything we could imagine. We are here to love and to learn how to BE love.

Be it!