Archives for posts with tag: sex

Reading through some posts of others, in the most synchronistic of ways, and in perfect timing, I cam across a thought that has been the same thought I have been thinking on and off for months, years.

We have a great deal of shame surrounding sex.  There are religions that make it the most unclean but necessary thing, which of course seems a bit paradoxical when you think about it.  At least I do.  I can remember sitting through a sermon at my grandmother’s church, though, where the pastor talked about sex.  He said “….and after all, God created sex so there must be a path to it that is holy….it can’t just be something unclean….”  Sometimes surprises lie in the most unsuspecting places.   The taboos on sex are so profoundly dug into some of our cultures that it is a wonder anyone is able to access any of its great potential for spiritual liberation.  Yes, liberation.  This is the essence of tantra, which isn’t so much about sex as it is about allowing your own energy to move freely through every inch of you, and this includes the current that we think of as feeling sexual.  We have divided ourselves into all of these boxes for what is right and wrong, good and bad.  We have divided ourselves, you see, and in our shame, we have locked away the greatest secret of our souls.  I am talking about sexual energy, it may seem, but it is way more than that.  It is like discovering one day that you are this river and you have closed off a whole slew of tributaries that have kept the flow of your own current at a slow and pitiful ebb.  You just never realized it was slow and pitiful.  To you, it may have seemed perfectly fine.  Such is the life of those who sleep.  Upon awakening, this tributary is un-dammed and the force of its waters, which is JUST energy, flows through those sacred channels of your river as fresh water moves through your veins and pushes you powerfully towards a still deeper ocean which waits for you,, gleefully, hungrily, happily.

The journey through awakening is undoing all of the division within you.  When you can dissolve your misgivings and shame about your own sexual energy, you have dissolved a most important dividing line that keeps you from experiencing the infinite.  We are not meant to be divided.  The only thing that divides us is belief.  Conditioning.  You decided to feel shame about sex, about your body, about your own true beauty.   Something in the culture or in its institutions seemed like it was more powerful than your own native divinity and you shut if off, shut it down, a process that has taken place probably for countless lives.  It is for some reason an ingrained glitch.  it is time, I say, to let that all go.  And be free.

Being free does not mean being promiscuous.  While it is said that kundalini is a sexual energy, I tend to feel that most think this way simply because they have never really FELT their sexual energy in totality.  We are so used to feeling other channels more and so we have kept our channels of energy through which our sexuality flow tightly controlled and managed.  But in letting go, you don’t become promiscuous.  Well, perhaps when awakening first comes you might not know what to do with this relative flood of new energy coming in. I can remember driving to the studio, my hands gripping the wheel, wondering how I would get through the day like this.  So yes, it was a bit of an adjustment.  And yes, there were efforts to release this energy in order to find relief.  The realization I had was I could bleed this energy 24/7 and it would not touch its flow.  It was then that I rethought all of this.  I sunk deep into its source and it showed me without words that this was just what it was and there was nothing wrong with me and I was to get used to it.  I was to get used to it in the same way I had gotten used to all other forms of energy.  I was to simply become a vessel, a channel for it and to not hold onto it or see it as any different than any other form of energy.  My challenge was to undo my shame about it and let it simply flow.  The curious thing about releasing shame and owning your experience is that it makes things a hell of a lot easier.

Normally when we feel sexual energy, we tend to want to DO something about it.  It is a powerful motivating force, certainly.  The interesting thing is that its energy is not somehow exclusive to itself.  It is YOUR energy and that energy can also be focused into other things if you want.  It can be shifted and used in other ways.  There are other currents very closely aligned to sexual energy, and one of these is creativity.  I have been writing about how to release blockages using creative energy.  It is perhaps one of the single most effective methods and it does not require you to believe anything, or buy into anything.  I know that in years past I was a bit taken aback when I would feel sexually aroused during the act of creation.  Inspiration is itself VERY similar to the act of intimacy.  When I  observe the symptoms of inspiration I see all the same symptoms of sexual intimacy.  The difference is that in inspiration it is the fusion of the two polarities within the self which bring forth the burst (like orgasm) of the inspired moment, the big “A-ha!” moment when the light goes on over our heads.  And what could be more enlightening than the moment of orgasm where you lose yourself and find yourself all at the same time.  SO very much like awakening, except sustained throughout the days, weeks, months, and years.  And you learn to contain this, channel it, and deal with it in a way that is harmonious and meaningful.  Whatever that means.  Or you struggle with it, try to make deals with it, maybe try to bleed it off in the vain hopes of somehow lessening it.  I don’t think that this energy, kundalini is merely sexual, it is ALL energy raised to a higher pitch. An optimal one. We focus so upon the sexual part simply because it seems so novel or new or previously taboo.  It is just part of what and what we are from birth (not from puberty) as it mirrors a characteristic of our souls.  When you open the doors to your own unbound soul energy, which kundalini does, the lights turn on, the volume increases, and everything is far more vivid and alive.  Because you are.

In reading just moments ago on another blog, the writer said it perfectly, the same words and thoughts I had encountered….which is that it is just energy.  And if we dam it up, if we seek to ignore it, it will do just what all repression does to us; cancer, degenerative diseases, depression, fear, anxiety.  All of this has its lasting effects on the body.  The body can turn on a dime chemically if you let it, which is why kundalini is said to give us greater youthfulness.  Certainly the aging process has slowed down for me.  All of my siblings have grown grey and I am the only one remaining with a head of dark hair.  I am not the youngest, either.  I am not saying I don’t have grey hair.  I am getting it, bit by bit, but the last seven years has shown a range of very real physiological changes.  When we can be more true to ourselves, to our soul, to our bodies, we will tend to be a lot healthier. I do not really talk about this at all to anyone, and I certainly do not sneak sexual innuendo into conversation, which is just…..creepy.  But what I do is I LIVE this energy in the moment.  I feel like I am a flower bud that is in a perpetual state of bursting open.  All the time. I know that just its presence has turned heads, has caused waitresses to stumble over their words, to lose their thoughts and then turn redfaced as they apologize for not being able to speak.  I have observed how people who didn’t notice me when walking by me often turn my way as if they are looking for something.  This is the one phenomenon I notice the most.  This is the subconscious self waking up but not enough to tell them just what it is that they are picking up on.  So deep is their slumber.  But just because you slumber does not mean you are doomed to sleep.  You simply have to become aroused.  Roused.  By something.

In truth, the world hungers for this so badly that it often is the reason for so much strife.  We are literally hitching ourselves to a post that we weren’t meant to be hitched to.  And we strain against the post the rest of our days.  If we could but shine this on in life moment by moment, we would probably feel less repressed, less unhappy and perhaps more of an inspiration to our lovers and loved ones. Everyone is pretty grumpy when they are still tied to that old hitching post.  It just ins’t natural.  And when you can BE natural and just FLOW, why all that frustration evaporates.  You can just let this thing glow all around you and envelope you and just not worry.  Instead of it needing to channel itself through your genitals, it turns into honey and courses through your veins and comes out as a lovely ambrosia through your pores.  It oozes out of you, it causes heads to turn.  I have seen how people will hop to it when you know how to shine it on.  And I don’t mean manipulating people.  I mean being natural.  The natural state.  Eden.  Here.  Now.  This is the way that we were meant to be, and everyone knows it.  Its just that most sleep and are not aware that they are dreaming. They think “that” thing is the dream and what they dream is real. It is all backwards.  The real world is the world that lies within you since THIS is the world that will greet you when you leave your body to live on in other forms.  This inner world is the real world, you see, and if that world isn’t made right, then how do you think you get on in the next with so much division and mess in there?

So kundalini cleans that up for you, or tries to.  We, we act like we are so busy with the work of awakening, but in truth, the more we just stand out of the way, the more effective the infinite is in cleaning up our mess.  This is in truth the higher self doing this.  It is a higher range vibration that IS us.  It is our own souls energy.  It is very much like being visited by a time traveller in the sense that here is this highly refined state of YOU now alive in your body.  It is this way because the soul lives outside of time and thus is not bound by it. It is hard to even believe this could be true, so used we are to this time-bound hitching post.  But that is just what it is.  And this soul, it really has no use for systems or methods or beliefs.  At least mine doesn’t.  It is in what I can only call a preexisting state.  It is the rock that touches the surface of reality, but keeps skipping across the water, but unlike the rock, it never sinks all the way down into the water.  It is connected to your earthbound self, for that self is a projection of it, but it is able to know itself in this realm that is nondual.  In this awareness, it knows itself as part of everything and can feel and touch and taste everything. It just ins’t limited.  Just imagine what you could do with something like that. Imagine what the world would be like with a couple million people churning their depths like that.  As a being who is my guide in this life (I discovered in awakening) said to me, “It’s a game changer.”  So step aside and let IT do the work.  It is a heck of a lot easier if you do.

So if you want to think this is all heresy, go right ahead, but the facts are with me.  Sexual energy has refined me, connected me, made me more intuitive, more in touch, and more alive.  It is not some foreign agent, but is just what I am.  And I am happy with that.  Very happy.  It brings me miracles and fulfillment simply because I see now that there is a better way, a much easier way.  Less and less, life just isn’t the struggle it used to be.  It isn’t this because i am getting out of my own way.  And trust me, I really really got in my own way all the time.  I told a friend that we are like blind spiders who spin the web of our lives never realizing that WE are the ones creating it and then, turning around, seeing the web we just wove, shake our fists at it and curse it as if it was God/dess or the world.  It is just us.  My friend pointed out that there was something in one of the Vedas that said something very similar, just without the blind part.  Well, I am in good company, but even the Vedics could be taught a thing or two.  And we all can.  And it isn’t like I am atop some great perch or anything.  I am subject to all the same contractions of consciousness, its just that I know they are a choice I am in that moment unaware I am making.  Such is the nature of our own self made blindness.  But each time, I take something from whatever I pull away from.

We just aren’t meant to shrink away from anything but to let it all flow freely through us.  It is in the desire to clutch it that we have problems.  The energy is meant to flow.  We can use it, but I have found it works must better when you just let it be that freely flowing river.  And this is what I am deep down, a great flowing river.  In fact, my first awakening dream led me to a temple kind of place that I knew was my soul and in the center was this wellspring that came up out of the ground.  It flowed the strongest at its source and you could see the entirety of everything reflected in it.  This is so not because of what I am but what we ALL are.  It just is.  It isn’t ego or any sense of self importance.  It is just how we each are connected and it seems creation needs to move like a river in order to remain vital and healthy.

So sexual energy is like this.  When we shackle it with shame, it darkens it and slows its current.  We lessen it and put rules around it.  When allowed to be free, it does not seek to impose itself on anything or anyone.  It is not seeking anything except to know itself ever more brilliantly in the moment, which also serves to increase your awareness of it in the moment. It seems creation NEEDS this potent energy along with all the other currents moving through you. It is actually incredibly hopeful and inspiring.  I find that I no longer pretend my feelings way or shove them down.  I just let them flow.  Bit by bit, I am wearing away a backlog of shame about the simplest of things.  This all leads to a very natural state of self love, something that is vital and missing in the world.  We mistake it to mean selfish love, but it is not this.  Not at all. It is worshipping at the one altar that will ever matter, which is the soul you were given.  THIS is the holy of holies.  No graven images.  You are the image of the divine, see?  YOU are.  And as you undo all that kept you from feeling like this was wrong, the closer you get to the Holy of Holies, which is inside of you. And me.  And inside everything that IS.  All that is created is sacred.  All has its own inner temple, its own font of divine energy waiting to flow once the divisions are lessened enough to permit it to enter.  This is not narcissism, it is divine.  Instead of seeking love from others, we find the love inside of us already.  Then that love will heal the holes in our bucket so that we cease needing to depend on others for approval or love or all the rest.  We return to a place where we are okay, where we are enough and then we can be full and inspire others to be full also. If I am always full then I am never lacking.  If I am empty and seek to be filled by another, that other may not always be available or capable to provide what I desperately need or seek.  This becomes the root of so many problems.  Be full.  Then others might heal simply by realizing there is a more sane approach, which just happens to be the opposite of how we have tended to do things here.  At first it takes some getting used to.  Ego is so affronted by it sometimes, but as you wear that away, it becomes soooo much easier.  And life mirrors that.

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Its is like you have been holding your breath for centuries, a spirit dormant beneath the ice, awakening to a thaw like some signal from a still distant sun….a cosmic messenger leaking out through all eventualities.  This thaw is in no way limited and is building powerful thresholds.  In this time, in this place, in all places.  It is what is.

But that is the clean version.

We are returning to love.  I am. The trembling lips of its knowing sleeps within each of you, but can slowly wake up as the petals of its bloom peel back like an eager lover of the sun for a still deeper opening to what can no longer be denied.  This love is not a love for anything, but a living presence that is a compelling mystery that keeps its secret on my lips, changes my gait, and changes my smile.  It warms the cold, brings day into night, and embraces me with a  persistent current that invades every aspect, every cell, body, soul, spirit, mind, body, heart, and loin.  It has entirely invaded every corner, every piece and shred of me, burning away the dross like a tender but persistent lover, to return me to a powerfully potent presence, to make me ready for the union with its rich source of life.  Its desire melts me, boiling and refining, I am made to rain down like a summer storm.  It shows me the way of lightening and thunder as my essence rains down upon her waiting lips. The whole earth becomes like this.  Every atom contains Her, every shadow, every stolen moment, everything that is has its compliment that is the other half of the presence that makes things real, manifest.  I see and feel their dance in everything around me as it seemed to awaken just as I did.  I think though I was just a later arrival to a gathering of soulfulness that has been on since the beginning of things.

When I woke, the world woke with me.  The breeze carried it, rich and potent, dizzying in pleasure.  Pollen was thick in the air, its nutty smell invaded my senses and reminded me that all life is like this, even if nature speaks in a language mute to our normal senses.  It was the single greatest gift one could have received; my soul now pulsed with a  life so strong that it would leave many red faced and gasping.  Passion moved through my blood like a current of fire, an ancient pathway to the Holy of Holies.  Beyond ordinary love, this was sacred fire.  It had claimed me; before all of this I was an orphan to all I had known, a pilgrim on a very different journey that did not entirely make sense.  All I had been seeking became a memory and was packed up into boxes as I lost my old life to find myself resurrected, a secret life that will come to each of us in our own perfect timing.

A brilliant kind of life lives inside of me, a golden wonder, an energy that is a visitor and guide, strong hands that never err and fills my mind with certainty and knowing.  In its hyperversal chambering, I know myself as the divine masculine, my awareness has skipped through thousands of years of error into pungent truth and brilliant illumination where nothing hidden could remain obscured, but found, revealed, atoned and blessed.  The truth in me is the truth that lives, and the truth that lives is love.  To own it is for some may be difficult, for it requires total honesty to enter into its mysteries with joy.  Anything less and it is bliss hindered by struggle.  And it is a struggle we all know and are ready for what surely must be.  And shall be.  Taken, it will keep you.  Seduced, it will show you its wonder.  It will lift you and show you what was missing from the old error-ridden religions as it banishes you from ever following in the old ways.  You will return to the religion that has no religion.  It shall be one of no laws save one, no books save its light which illuminates all books.  This is the religion of love.  It does not reflect, it does not observe, it is itself its own reward and finality moving into each moment fully present and invading everything with its rich sense of possibility.  It is nothing but pure freedom and perfect accountability, for this love would  do nothing outside of this.  But forgotten are the books and words of saints and priests, priestesses and mongrels alike.  This one light does not ask of you to be a follower, it inspires you to lead yourself to your own inevitable truth.

There wont be anything to follow.

You do not follow what you are.  And this is the rich difference.  There are lives curled up within this one.  Countless worlds shoot in and out at every second as all of their untapped potential rises into this one, all lines and paths that you were, shall be and could be all intersect in this powerful moment informed and embraced by this great passion and ecstasy.  Everything I had ever felt resistance with in me was given a new lease.  The slaveholder himself passes into his own glory and is redeemed, forgiven as the heart grows into a nearly incomprehensible wonder that cannot quit and is the source and axis of the All.

I translate this love into ordinary words and in simple ways for the uninitiated.  Purely spoke, it is like a fire that cannot burn that which is not prepared.  With compassion given to all, I am free to live my life and to sing this song that opens my soul, a great chamber bearing a bride ever-present glistening with the hope of knowing her own greater mystery.  He lips glisten in moonlight and her heart bears my name.  Her hips gently sway to the rhythm of a great inner ocean.  She knows every secret I could ever be and has made an agreement outside all of this to bring this into this world as a great gift.  In an instant all that was hidden is revealed.  All that I dreamed I became.  A silent and certain presence wells up within me, a pulse so strong.  It is a thunderbolt that swims through all things and strikes into their core, cracking them open.  The secret life of all in its dream is known.  There is nothing that cannot be known, for in this communion everything gives up itself as the universe in me seduces and enlivens the universe without in this simple knowing.  Everything yearns to be known, and if not known, then that which knows it and gives it that missing piece of its awareness, like a lost piece of some forgotten puzzle that slips seductively into place.  The universe is wed to itself in just such instances.  We undo the centuries of division that divides us from everything else and nothing is not without its capacity for this union.

I live a life rich in its simplicity.  I can sleep in beds draped in silk or on cold concrete and remain in utter bliss.  Rivers were my bath, the sun my light.  I tore away the old agreements and illusions that money could keep me or any soul could tell me anything less than what I am.  It is itself a pulse of certainty, inevitability.  I am returned to joy, my body returns to a state that is golden.  Heads turn when I moved like a slip of a ghost in a world of shadow.  Resolving brilliant around a still deeper core, I am a living presence that bears a trailing flame of passion, not profane but  profound, unexpected, nuanced,  the scent of a jungle flower.   This love ripples through me not for anything.  It is now what I am.  Its presence scatters illusion and I rest easy in its truth.  If what I am is a heresy, then lock me up for I am guilty of this one great wonder which shall always keep me free.  I shall remain free but forever bound by its passionate promise to return me to its great love.

My hands tremble now in sympathy to its pulse.  My shoulders are strengthened, my mind is made like a temple, my heart consumed by a sacred fire which fills the halls with light.  Beneath, an eternal wellspring which shall be that part of me which taps the universe, a deep thundering ecstasy which fills everything I touch with that which is true and which my soul reads as it is delivered to dream outside of illusion.  This return to love is a return to ourselves, not an abstraction or idea, but a living presence so fine, so delicate, so promised and wondrous that it shall make a lover out of all.  It has me.

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