Archives for posts with tag: self honesty

Healing work can only come through a brutal self honesty….also referred to as “radical self honesty.”  This is because of how  adept we are at ducking responsibility for how we react and respond to others around us.  Until you are able to get to this deep level of honesty about what is happening, you will be unable to heal. It seems that only this kind of self examination is the prerequisite to true healing.

Not long ago I was able to heal something pretty important in my life.  I had been told for years that I might just have to find a way to forgive the person who was part of the issue that has been involved.  It sounds reasonable to think this, and I think that in some cases, it works.  But what I have found is that the only path to true healing is by forgiving yourself.  Why?  It seems that karma has to do with you, not the world.  This is the radical side to being honest.  If something was your problem, then forgiving another person would not heal the karma.  The only way is to inquire within not without. If the problem really is about how you felt, then forgiving another is like lying to yourself, the same act as projecting all of your junk on another when that junk should be examined as your own baggage, not the other way around. On a karmic level, it is dishonest to try and saddle another person for your own shit, but sadly this is what we all do at some point or another.  My recent healing was in learning not to be reactive to those who would try to make their own shit my problem.  I simply stopped responding, stopped reacting.  This small simple thing gave me enough breathing room in my spirit to effect the release of something that has dogged me for so long.  It worked because it was true.  The soul knows the truth even when the personality does not.  You can’t bullshit yourself into the truth.  You just can’t.

I was also talking with an old friend and teacher from my college days today.  I had reached out to see how she was after she had gone through a PhD program and went from doing art to a big change into mediation work with inner city kids.  Something told me that something was up and that I needed to check in after a couple of years of being out of touch.  I recently contacted another old teacher in the same way recently to express to him how his teaching had impacted my creative life.  He died about six months after I told him this.  Life waits for no one.  So I jumped on this and acted because, well, you just never know.

We wound up in a conversation about the trials she has been going through with family.  She explained how this other person was the source of so much pain in her life.  Gently, through a series of turns, I explained how important it was to learn to see these things in a different way.  I began with a simple quote by Wayne Dwyer which states that how someone else acts is their karma, and how YOU react to them is your karma.  Do you get that small but important difference?  No one ever makes you feel any way at all, except that we each choose, yes choose, to feel the way we do.  After all, I explained, she could easily have a sibling who, going through the exact same thing might just wave off the same behavior as something not worth worrying about when it comes to that other person.  I see this all the time. I saw it in my family, I have seen it in class mates in college, and I have seen it in my children, too.  Two children living the same kind of life see and react completely differently.  The difference is in how we choose to feel.  Simple.  But people continue to want to see that it is the other person’s fault for HOW they MAKE them feel.  No, no one MAKES you feel anything.  YOU make YOU feel.  That is how things work.  Knowing this and living this truth is the only way to get out of the emotional and spiritual prison that we often find ourselves in, in our lives.

The problem with how we normally go about this way of relating is that we make everyone around us responsible for our feelings.  Normal sensitivity aside, we each have a choice.  I explained to her that by thinking and acting this way she not only misdirected her awareness, she also gave her sibling the power that she now has over her, which she has such a glitch now in dealing with.  It has resulted in a pretty big block emotionally for her, and she wound up revealing the severity of how she felt (which wound up being the most honest thing she could have done during our talk).  But the challenge is that she has this block that goes way back to her past, an issue she knows comes from when she was a small child. And the problem with these old repressed and blocked emotions is that they emerge in our adult lives with the same level of maturity in them as when they were shoved down and repressed to begin with.  Now imagine having a feeling that haunts you that was designed by a three year old. No perspective, lots of drama, and me, me, me. That is the kind of thing you get over and over until the issue is healed.  Can you imagine just how hard it would be to have to deal with the merry go round of feeling  something like this?

Until we can get really honest with ourselves about what is at work within ourselves, these repressed emotions simply keep playing themselves over and over seemingly with no end in sight, no resolution.  People die or move away and so often we feel like they are the people that we need in order to work this out with.  But this is the trick that keeps every  one of us in the game of our karmic entanglements.  She even asked me if she could clean this mess up if one or more of the people involved had passed from this life.  The answer was a firm “Yes!” because even though someone does die in the body, their soul lives on (and besides, the karma is not on THEM, it is on the person who owns it).

To do this, you just need radical honesty perhaps for the first time ever.  Take a moment and stop thinking about how someone pushes your buttons or upsets you and focus on how you wind up reacting to them. It is here, in how you actually do choose to react, that the problem emerges….for you.  Trust me, the way to healing all of this is by doing this.  When you hear yourself saying the words, “But he made me feel so rotten, so terrible….” STOP!!  Stop right there and back it up a little and look at what is happening here.  No, they are not the one who has power over you.  You have the power.  You have the power to find a way to release this so that YOUR issues cease entering into the marketplace of emotion.  You can go from being upset to realizing that this is just their stuff and has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  Pity the soul who must make another responsible for how they feel.  How powerless a state is that to be in?

The first step in authentic healing work is to clear up this one issue first.  If you are used to being the victim in life, this will be a hard one to overcome.  It will take time and training your mind to see things differently. But as you do, you will increasingly begin to breathe the fresh air of freedom instead of the stale air of dependency.  We have to be very clear about whose stuff is whose stuff.  My friend described a dream she had in the wake of a difficult encounter with her sibling that involved someone having pooped all over her yard.  Even in her dreaming she was aware that bad stuff was happening, but she was focused on the poop coming from someone else.  In the end, the shit was hers.  By going back into the dream, I explained, and imagining herself cleaning it up without making it anyone’s problem but her own, it would be one important way to cement just whose poop is whose, and then it would change the terms of engagement forever.  But I know how hard it is to shift so radically in order to see it this way.

Now mind you, I was the gold standard in shifting the blame at one point in my life.  I saw where it got me: nowhere.  Even though I did believe that others were responsible for my happiness, I learned that there is a different way, a more realistic way, and it is in our grasp.  When you can do this, this radical reorientation of the self, then things can change pretty quickly.  We each deserve this honesty even as we fear what its implications might be.  But the fear is unfounded.  Why we fear being honest might come from the fear of the unknown, or of upsetting others, or getting hurt by those who cannot or wont hear the truth.  But those who cannot bear the truth are probably not anyone that you could stand to be with in any significant way.  In the end, it is the greatest compassion you can pay yourself, something that might be hard, but is the greatest act of self love you can give yourself.  This really isn’t about anyone else but you, and the buck must stop here.

May you cast a great light in your life….



Where I live, and maybe where you do too, the locals use this term to describe the experience of radical self-honesty as a “come to Jesus” moment. Maybe you know this kind of moment. I know that in my life, the most moving and liberating moments have been when I have been able to reach this place. It has almost always been one where I become very honest with myself about how I was seeing the world and relating to it. It is being willing to see things as they are in order that what is not aligned within us gets rewritten, changed, or redeemed.

I write a lot about how the process of releasing old stored material essentially IS this very thing. It can sometimes sound mechanistic when I try to explain it with descriptions of the energy body, electromagnetic fields and all the rest. All of that does play into it, but that is more like how your experience on a wonderful journey is made possible by the car you are riding in. It is the machinery, and to be sure, the machinery is part of the wonder of this incredible journey we find ourselves on, since it is all made up of all the same material as everything else is (energy!), but its what rides on that machinery, on those waves of energy that seems to be the thing. So when you say “come to Jesus” we mean becoming more truthful within ourselves. You can’t hide from this truth, you see. Oh sure, you can delay it. We are wonderful at that, aren’t we? We have been delaying the inevitable for lifetimes. In this time, it seems so many are looking around wondering what’s the buzz….what on earth is happening?

Well, its as simple as this. It is contained within this colloquial term I have been using in this post, and it is nothing to be afraid of. Sure, we fear it, run from it, deny it, and make all kinds of deals around it and excuses for not facing it. It is very much a part of how we become glued to what is familiar, and in fearing change, we hold on to the devil we know.

We do, though, have a capacity built right into our very brains and body that lean into this newness in the same way that we lean into the familiar. Thing is, the universe, I have found, is designed to be a mirror of us and to be what I call a giant chalkboard whereby we write all sorts of seemingly concrete and permanent things on it that say what we believe is true and real and then it becomes so. We see it is so, after all, right? And yet, in truth, it is all just chalk. It doesn’t even matter what you write on that chalk board. With freewill, you write what you want to write. We each also live by what we write. Are you writing a story that is in your highest? Do you feel happy with your life, with your existence? I will tell you, a lot of it can be found on that chalkboard. For as permanent as all the facets of your life may seem to be, they are in truth an encoding of electromagnetic energy (oops, here comes more cosmic mechanics!). This energy, which is in you, attracts more of what it is. Many go through their lives so fast without looking long enough to see that this is even happening. It takes some effort to stand back and be honest about it. But when you do, you are in the perfect place to begin wiping that chalk away and writing something new. Something better. And you know what? Everything can change in that instant because YOU are changing. It is so simple a thing that it tends to escape us and we also do a lot to make it hard or more difficult than it is. The key is in just being honest with yourself. Until you do that, the old programs just continue rolling and churning out the same old product. The merry-go-round keeps you right where you are. The more aligned you are to what you want to be, the more of a delight it can be. The more aligned you are with things that do not serve you, well, it can be a whole lot of trouble. I say this because I have myself been a pro at not seeing the truth or seeing what is in front of me. And, really, what I am saying is nothing new.

So the first part is awareness. Sometimes we just aren’t even aware of our condition. It is interesting, though, that we have a means to become aware. You do not even need a guru or some grand experience to do it. You simply intend it, want it, and hold onto that feeling for as long as you need because the world will have a very curious way to some to your aid. A book might present itself to you, a chance conversation at a coffee shop, a dream, or even a moment of reverie where you suddenly feel something slip away…maybe some old grudge or hurt….and then you begin to see quite suddenly how things can and do change. Piece by piece, this is how I have seen it happen in my life. It has been like a puzzle, pieces being redeemed and put into their right and just place, or old ones tossed out because they never really did fit into the bigger picture. And it may be that it just SEEMED like that old puzzle piece fit, but now, in your new place of awareness, you realize they never really did. We do this a lot. I know I have. I am embarrassed to even admit how many times I have done this, but I have. Slowly, stubbornly, and sometimes humbly, I am getting the message. We are, after all, human.

Part of awareness infers honesty, and when we can do that, when we can have our own “come to Jesus” moments and overcome the fear we might feel in facing them, why, things change. That’s the good news.

So really, all the talk about being embodied, awakened, ascended, enlightened, it really isn’t about anything more difficult than this. Over and over again I come back to this and each time I do, I move some old fragment of an old world that no longer suits the new man I am becoming. And its not always clean, or peaceful, or full of rainbows and light. In this, I am honest. But, I know that this is not why I am here. I am a being who has known himself as perfect, even without flaw, entirely bored and fed up with infinite perfection and light and asked as I believe we each have asked, how it is we can become imperfect in order to add something new into the rather static blissfield of infinity? So I came here and got caught up in all kinds of things and didn’t have my infinite self to always fall back on. But gradually, that old self have been found and gradually, I have been able to use that self is a cosmic parent to begin guiding me. It is a partnership of the best kind.

Sometimes, we just need a little reminder. 😉

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