Archives for posts with tag: self help

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This world has the openness that allows us to choose how we see it. In my life I have seen how a seemingly ordinary world transformed itself into a sheer miracle of a place. What gives?

The truth was, the world had always been this way. It was I who had shuttered my perception, not letting in enough of the light. I could not see it for how I felt.

This is, though, how all of our lives are. We each have a choice-to own ourselves and our feelings, or not. But when we choose to not fully own what is ours, a very curious thing happens.Psychologist call this projection.

Projection can happen in a variety of ways, but the effects from doing it are always the same. When we don’t fully own our feelings, we project those feelings onto things. Anything will do; people, places, and things. We will see a person as having the very troubles that lie within our own hearts and minds. Carl Jung, the noted psychologist explained that when it comes to projection, the person who is projecting swears that the fault lies in the Other….be it their neighbor, friend, or family member.
The thing to understand is that as long as we are engaged in projecting, we don’t realize we are the ones who are doing it.

One really good example of mass projection played out on a national scale when Germans believed that Jews were a problem back before Germany invaded Poland. As we all know, the Jewish people weren’t the problem at all. The real problem that gripped so much of Germany was a deep seated dislike of something within themselves. There was a fear of this self, over how it might not be controllable, and this was projected as loathing for the Jewish people. As we can see, the Jews became the first column in a larger effort that was conceived in madness. Liberal, educated, and lovers of culture and art, the Jews were what the Germans, many of them, believed they were not, or perhaps more accurately, feared they were but could not allow themselves to be. The irony in this story is that Hitler sought to steal art work from the Jews and from the countries that he invaded. Hitler was a failed art student who had been deemed unworthy of schooling by a….Jewish teacher when he was younger. You might think this was just about a twisted form of “payback,” but it goes deeper than that. Unable to deal constructively with his own creative drive, Adolph turned his creativity on its head so that it became aggression instead of what creativity otherwise does when used in a positive way, which is that it unifies. We all know how that turned out. The hate within was turned outward onto an innocent people and one man’s madness enlivened the splinters in a large part of his nation so that they became extremely exxagerated. The nation really did believe that the problem were the Jews. They believed this so much that they went to extraordinary lengths to justify their own projections. What the Germans hated in the Jews was actually what they hated about themselves. This had nothing to do with the Jews…but by projecting, the Jews became the skapegoat. Sad, isn’t it?

We see this tendency everywhere when we observe how one person doesn’t “get” another person. They misperceive things about them, or interpret what another person does based less on what is true for that person and more on an inner script that is playing in the mind of the person who is doing the projecting.

To learn how to stop projecting is quite easy. You simply learn to own your life and your feelings. You can stop projecting by bringing awareness into your life because projection always happens when there is a lack of it.

When you feel that twinge inside of you that tells you that the fault is in another, this is the moment that you should ask yourself if this is really true. There is something in each of us that I call The Watcher that gives us the means to step back and examine what is happening, in a dispassionate way, that can unlock the doors of our native perception. You just need to reflect within, gently and quietly, in that moment and then feel deeply within yourself for the truth about where your feelings are coming from.

The truth is that our feelings come from us. We each are choosing to react to any given moment in our lives. Look for any feeling that reveals a sense of resistance, tension, or tightness, in either your mind, heart, or body. If you feel this tightness, then you are resisting seeing and acknowledging a deeper truth about what is happening in the moment. I can tell you that were you to know the truth about why you are resisting and getting ready to think it’s all the problem of another person, the reason fully known to you simply would erase your feelings of resistance. It is always this way. Always.

The resistance happens because  our mind thinks one thing and our soul know another. Since the mind is like the surface of a lake and the soul is its depths, the mind can forget what the other part actually knows. But being so focused in our minds, we don’t realize that there is another side to the story. There is always another side to the story!

Ceasing to project means listening carefully to what is being said to you by that knowing self within so that you can hear what is being said to you by others. When we “read into” people’s words, all we are doing is actively projecting onto them our own inner script.

Everyone has their own story….and deep down we actually DO know the story, were it not for all the surface static that our minds create.

This static comes from our beliefs about a host of things. “People are just rude and uncaring” might be one. This belief will cause your mind to leap to conclusions that lead to all sorts of problems. So that person who cut you off in traffic? They might have not even seen you, or maybe they needed to pee so bad that they were just trying to get home or to the gas station across the street. We interject this material all the time, often without even realizing it. We just aren’t being aware enough.

I have found that people who engage in finger pointing are most often hiding the fault, or a very similar one within themselves. I was once married to a person who did this a lot. What I was able to see was that the fault she falsely tried to seed into the minds of my children wound up being the very fault that she was exercising in that moment. Deep down, by saying to my children that I didn’t love them, she was revealing her own inability to love in a big hearted way….a way that I had always had loved them. If her live had been big like mine had been, she probably would not have said such ridiculous things like she did. But suspecting or perhaps fearing that she didn’t love them in a big hearted way, but also being unable to consciously admit this to herself, she saw a “truth” that resided outside of herself in another person.

What this woman actually saw was a man who felt alienated by her behavior and the pain that it caused. It wasn’t a lack of love, but because it had been so abundant and had gotten crushed. THAT was the true story, and as long as her script was running in her head, it has kept her from being able to see what was real.

Projections can come from the most broken part of ourselves. It can blind us to what is happening in front of us. I have seen how I have done this….jumping to conclusions that had nothing to do with what was there, or seeing events in such a way that they mirrored what was going on inside of me instead of the way they actually were. And because the soul can feel this, the people around me can pick up on this and they respond, at least in part, with that soul-knowing…along with their own interperative scripts.

Step back and feel into the source of the resistance. Do you feel angry? Most often, this is a script from your past that is about a hurt you never got over. This is a perfect moment to begin healing it by letting yourself to drift deep into the feeling like drifting in the water of a deep lake. Just relax and stay neutral. Tell yourself that you are not your feelings. Your feelings are based in choices you make about how you want to feel. Drift into them and let yourself feel deeply into whatever the feeling is. Pretend you are a visitor to the lands of your subconscious and ask yourself what the root of that feeling is. Don’t let yourself fall into resistance. Fall into yourself and let the Watcher learn to see. Use your intuition, which is tied to feeling but isn’t the emotions.

Feeling deeply like this, you can begin to access the nonlinear feeling self that knows. If you find yourself feeling defensive, this is a sign that you need to let go more. Then, just let whatever cones to mind surface…no matter how easy it might seem or how quickly you might want to discount it. “Oh, it couldn’t be that” we often tell ourselves. For this moment, let anything come without trying to mediate it in a judging way. Let yourself be willing to free associate. It’s very likely that you grasped something that your rational mind could not.

The key in all of this is when you feel the tightness. This is not the world doing this, it’s you. By owning it, you can gain significant awareness necessary to begin healing or erasing this pattern from your mind. When you see the world as it is, your body does not resist. Yes, there are terrible things that happen in our world, but when you can see the truth behind the horror, the soul always floods in and the heart opens because they both know that the horror is there only because of a stored hurt in another that just needs a little more love to heal. The soul flows in moments like these because it knows that the answer is NEVER resistance, but surrender. Our souls know it because every soul is a spark from a still larger flame. The soul does this because at a deeper level it knows that we are all one.

Doing this work frees and liberates. It is freedom. It lies in true compassion, which requires us to be willing to see beyond our own inner scripts in order to bridge the gulf between all of us.

Nemasté.

ded82-keysRecently….less than 24 hours ago, I mentioned how I had sought to make contact with some people with whom I had been connected through awakening.  I walked away from them in the hopes of clearing the karma that existed between us and which was fueling the draw.

Last night after coming home from a nice evening talking with friends and reflecting on what I have been working on, I continued my conversation with this person whom I have been out of touch with for so long.  I had been asking her what it was that she felt, deep down, it was that she needed from me.  The assumption was that most of these connections are fueled by karma.  If you talk to people who have had spontaneous memories concerning their soul connection (twin, etc.,) so often it centers around a relationship being cut short or something that happens that leaves the two feeling as though things were not finished.

So much of this material isn’t rational so its not something that you can resolve using the rational mind.  People do try.  I have, and it doesn’t work.  In fact, the best way to navigate through all of this is by way of feeling.  When you consider that this all happened as a result of feeling at odds with your feelings, then touching deep into your well of feelings is the way to resolve this.  This can be a little slippery to some people, but what I can tell you is that feeling is not emotion.  Feeling is like a sensory ability.  And so, the fear is that you will feel pain. But this is not true.  Feelings may be bittersweet, they might even hurt, but they are experienced in order that the old material is allowed to go.  Imagine if you were to just bottle a feeling up and stick it deep down inside of you.  When we don’t face our feelings completely what was a small issue looms big.  Mice become dragons.  they really do.  They have for me.

I had three central connections that I felt I need to clear karma with.  I have asked each of these people the same question as a way to frame the conversation.  All but one have been willing to engage in some thoughtful dialog about all of this. With so much healing having taken place these last six or seven years, it has meant that there has been some pleasant surprises for healing.

So I got to ask this person this question.  Following my intuition I began to speak the words I FELT she needed to hear.  I asked myself what was it that I resisted the most saying?  What was it that I had held back from this person?  How could I help her in moving forward?  Instead of seeking to go back down into the old energy, I sought, through intention, to touch the surface of the feeling and, acting as a mirror, disturb its surface enough so that it might help her to feel whatever it was she needed to feel. The only reason why I took this approach was because it FELT right.  I went into this with the intent of clearing this up, so I had to have some chance of it being successful, I reasoned.

There was a pause after I had said what I had said. It turned into a longer pause and the words came back that a dam had burst.  Then a flurry of words…..exclamations of relief….thankfulness.  It seemed that what I said had helped dislodge something that had somehow caught this person in an old snag.

The interesting thing is that in healing, as we heal, we open up the room for others to heal also.  I was discussing the way all of this has appeared to me to a friend recently, which is that instead of the idea of a cluster of worlds, which scientists are calling “strings” I think that we have an infinite number of them.  Instead of our living in a world that is set, we move through different worlds non-spatially depending on each and every act and choice we make.  As I heal myself in one of these, I find the world where this healing exists….and the people there?  They also reflect a slightly different state of healing, too.  It all corresponds to a vibratory state.  Endless worlds all based on our focus and belief of what we feel we are capable of.  The events in this new world actually happen differently because it is a slightly different version…..

So here I am.  What will this change press or change in me?  I don’t know.  I prefer not to know.  I prefer, instead, to ask for the highest.  I will let the multiverse bring it.  So many want to make karma into a punishment, a way that people “get theirs.”  But this view of the world is a human one.  This is the same attitude that religious extremists carry that have to do with people burning in hell because they believe a god would cast them into a pit of fire.  Silently gloating in the process.  We actually WANT people to suffer as we have suffered.  It is a kink in us that is best worked out of us so we can see that the world was not built with such limiting terms of punishment and reward.  The world is as we are.  Don’t like it?  We each can change it!

Be the change.

We don’t need to make excuses for ourselves…..nor for what we suspect or feel is the right thing for us.  You don’t need to make excuses for why  you march to a different drummer or why your karma is one color while your best friend is another. It’s okay to wear what makes you happy and others not so happy.  It is their issue, not yours. 

 

Be yourself.  This is what I am actually telling myself.  Over and over for all of the times I shrank back into myself afraid of how someone would actually react or feel or say or be in the wake of me gloriously free within myself.  I am here to clean up this shite!  Old stories, old hurts, old loves, old knowing, old mysteries…..all of them, a virtual horde of mysteries from other times that my soul now says ENOUGH!  Let us now get this stuff straight!  No more bullshit.  What if the things that seem are my weakness is what will make me the strongest? What if someone being so different is what makes them fabulous? I think about growing up with closeted gays in high school…..closeted out of FEAR of being bullied, or worse, maimed or even killed.  I think about the lynch mobs….all because people are different….blacks growing up angry because of how they and their families have been treated by ever sector of the world….things are turning around some…I see it…I was walking to the tech center today between classes and thinking about how my male students are no longer afraid to be openly gay.  I say “Hooray!!!”  It makes me so happy my heart weeps.  That we have reached a place where people feel safer then they have in a very long time to just BE themselves.  What if BEING who you are has a sacred DIVINE purpose?

That is because it does. 

So some do not understand nor relate to mine.  They don’t have to.  It really isn’t their job to.  It is mine. The lifetimes of junk ends in this life….this I am clear.  So I am sorry, I can’t go to your party or be a part of your golf game or polo team.  I have stuff that is mine to work through. Selfish?  You better believe it!  Maybe for the first time in a while I do for me what me needs most.  Lonely?  It is.  But I think my soul knew that.  We are such social creatures….we really are.  And when we awaken, the thing invisible lines of connection become so much more apparent, don’t they?  The world resolves into this amazing thing turning in our heart and in the soul of the world….

 The last dragon is being slain….transformed….turned…healed….I cannot say what will result..I have remained as open as a window because I want this done as quickly as possible. The Cleansing!

Don’t make excuses for you. Love yourself.  Cherish yourself. You have all the time in the world.  People who are no longer available, well, were they really EVER available?  The only person who can truly go the distance with you is you so being on good terms with that you is pretty big.  Are you happy?  Are you at peace? Are you learning what the universe is throwing your way? Would you like to swim more and talk less, hum more and read some books?  Would you like to pick up a new hobby or read about bonobo’s in the wild or how it is that there are more neurons in your stomach than in the brain of a cat?  There is so much to know and experience for no other reason than to have been here now in this time and place, which is itself utterly unique. 

Like you. 

Enjoy the ride!

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I know it sounds simplistic and not very mystical and woo-woo enough, but the seat of the two cosmic forces that are experienced as enlightenment rest in how the brain mirrors this state. I have been writing about this for a while, and I am going to keep it short. Just as the two forces of the yin and yang, the Ida and Pengali, rise to create the effect or experience of kundalini (a verb!), you are experiencing a potentiating of your own life force, prana or qi. And you can have much much more of it by allowing it to flow with your own greater awareness. It is that simple, but we make it complicated. The old yogis and ancients remind us; it is all within you. It really is. When we try to look outside at the world of effects, this is where we (I included) get tripped up. Ask yourself what an event in your life is teaching you. It is there not because of a series of random events. It is there for a reason, all based on a simple law of Attraction. This is what the Secret of the Golden Flower taught, a simple book about turning your awareness in on itself. By doing this, we see inwardly instead of merely outwardly. You may not believe it, but by changing what is in you, you WILL change the substance of your life. Okay, so there was your moment of woo-woo!

So what this has on offer to us is a new way to be. I observe that the world leans to the left brain in all that it does. Linear, logical, we have created a lot of amazing things out of this way of being from the linearity of language to the linearity of computer code. It is all the domain of the left brain by and large. And this is good. the left allows us to identify individual objects, focus on them, examine them, but it also means we do not see these things in relationship. And what part of us helps us do this? Why, it is the right brain! As we as a species learn to use this other part of ourselves, we also tend to become more creative, more able to handle mystery, and more able to see the interconnectivity of all things. Like being able to see how you sabotage yourself in your own life. Or seeing how you DO indeed have blinders on. the right brain will help you plumb this. People say to me how right brained they are when I speak of how left brained we are. I explain that it is relative. Yes, you can experience greater right-brained activity, but this is like someone who has been living in a desert being given a canteen of water. Wow! That is a lot of water! you exclaim. Smiling, I think of the ocean that enfolds me. That enfolds all of us without our entirely realizing it. It is a matter of awareness.

So today, consider that overcoming the world in all of its problems that it puts to you is actually something that can be handled with the part of you that does not rationalize at all but delights in the mystery of the vast realm of interconnected parts that now behave in a new way; an interconnected whole! Shift yourself, and you WILL shift the world around you! Stop pointing the finger and look inside yourself, not because there isn’t injustice in the world, but because that injustice is not entirely solved by merely pointing. Be the change you wish to see and it will be that much closer to becoming a reality. When you become more loving in yourself, you will inspire others to be the same. And it will spread because it is infectious!

You can overcome anything when you overcome yourself. You will also be surprised just how quickly this change can come when you just. Let. Go.

The more I move along in this, the more I come to the powerful conclusion that what we call awakening or kundalini (that’s a verb, you know) is in fact what we are wired for. See, in the not-so far-past, this “thing” which someone like U.G. Krishnamurti had, or that Gopi Krishna experienced while seeking to raise it at home, was once a very rare event or phenomenon.  There were very few people on the planet who “had” this elusive, perhaps esoteric thing going on.  Now, we are absolutely in a new day.  People by the thousands, literally, are awakening in what I determine is nothing short of a watershed event.  And it is none too soon!  What is happening, though, is what I observe to be what the ancients talked about with a good degree of aplomb using their vocabulary-set of the times.  Jesus and his disciples spoke of “the left and the right” in context to the trinity, the force of the two who joined to create the third.  While mainline Christianity deemed these texts that spoke so clearly of the awakening experience heretical, they persist as excellent examples of what Jesus spoke of as being The Kingdom.  And I don’t mean to suggest something tentative or thinly laid, but rather a whole series of documents, most of them lost for centuries and recently rediscovered by scholars.  The Taoists, the Hindus as well as the Mystery School initiates were all on to the same thing.  And what was this?  With my own voice added to the mix, it was nothing short of a top to bottom merging of both consciousness and physiology, all of which serve to support awakening.

The secret is dissolving what divides you.  Its less a science as poetry and art.  Art is not easy, but does bring grace, and this makes it all effortless.  So a little backstory, explanation, of what I now call an “epiphany talk” I had with the force that was is in me and “talks” to me since my awakening.  It is more that I merge deeply into its presence, deep into the energy, and find that anything I am interested in arises into my awareness with an amazing vividness, much like a movie or dream- while awake.  In an odd sort of twist, I came across the words of Edgar Cayce who described how he “did” what he did, and while he went into trance, I found that my perhaps-lighter trance state was similar in how he described it.  It was, in fact, what I had been doing whenever I found myself in the grip of a great inspired moment when making art. Okay….

When I sat on that late August night two years ago on my porch, I felt the presence of this familiar force alive in me, a force that has what I often feel is a consciousness all its own but that I know is an extension of myself, the higher self.  And on that night it wanted to show me something because I had been puzzling over the linkage between body and cosmic consciousness.  What it showed me was that the force of energy that is beyond the body yet also within it coheres to the electromagnetic field in the body.  Think of this as like how we beam signals and information using radio waves.  Talk and text and images, all travel astride this energy which our devices then decode.  Our bodies, our nervous system and brain as well as our bodies are amazing devices of a soft sort that are expertly capable of decoding information that travels within our bodies and even beyond it.  Our heart, which pumps iron rich blood, is creating electricity through this activity in the same way the earth generates electricity when the molten iron rich core moves within it.  In fact, physicists have discovered that we can generate massive amounts of electricity by circulating molten metal within a cavity.  So it is not so strange to see how the body is creating a much lower level of energy which is expressed as electricity that the nervous system uses to convey information throughout the body as nerve signals.  It’s all electricity and it is all being expertly decoded by our brains and felt by our bodies.  Electromagnetic fields are the result of this electricity as electricity and electromagnetism are two sides of the same coin!  Cool, right?  But hang on!  These fields also have a polarity.  Our bodies also have a polarity.  Even the Chinese observed this and called it Yin and Yang.  Just like a magnet, just like the sun and earth.  For us, this field shields us from life killing plasma from the sun.  We would be dead within weeks without it.  It is also why Mars is a dead planet; no more molten activity in its core (although it has the largest volcano yet found in our solar system!).  So I was pondering all of this and I was shown in the usual fashion what this force in me wanted to show me or reveal, which is how in our bodies RIGHT NOW there is a current of energy moving in us that moves from one polarity to another.  Where this energy merges is where the Hindu describe as being the crown chakra, the placed that is supposedly where cosmic consciousness flowers (so they say; I have a different opinion and experience….but for now, its good enough for what I am trying to get across).  In the body, there is this flip that happens, where one energy pole merges into the other.  This is union.  It is also, this presence said, what explains why one hemisphere controls the other side of the body.  It was, it said, this way to ensure that the two merged.  The left and right brains are mirrors of the yin and yang energies.  They cohere closely to aspects present within both.  Some call this the divine masculine and feminine, but in a larger scope, these are aspects that are within each person and is not in any real way aligned to our sexuality or sexual orientation. In fact, the idea that there is a man and a woman within us might seem a little silly.  This is simply that there is a higher order energy that is not so focused in our physical operations that is focused at this slightly higher dimension.  It carries qualities that COULD be called masculine and feminine and DO most certainly connect into those archetypes for people so focused, but it’s not a rule as far as I can tell. It just can help you to relate to these opposite ends of yourself……which is itself a mirror of all the things that are in the universe.  The yin and yang are themselves a reflection, I say, of the Tao, that formless thing that is within everything. It is in the atoms (neg and positive) it is in energy (neg and pos. poles) and it is in us….in the atoms in our bodies, and in our electrical field you can also call the aura.  This energy can be seen or perceived even by those who have caught on to how to do it.  I have been reading fields since I was 18 and there is simply no doubt that our consciousness rides upon a very real and perceptible field of energy.  In fact, it really isn’t so hard to learn to see auras.  You can find the simple exercises all over the net and they are all about the same.    I first saw them when my mind was emptied….which led me to being open to my natural present ability to pick them up.  Seeing this field before you can be life changing in the sense that it creates a tangible sense of awareness that we are more than just bodies, atoms, and mere electrical activity.

This energy does this flip, and this is where union takes place, so they say.  What I experienced was that this union takes place at the atomic level and happens the moment awakening takes place.  SOme will say they did not “raise” their kundalini correctly, but my experience was that the very force OF kundalini WAS defacto union.  It is like trying to raise only positive energetic force; the positive does not exist without the negative as its counterbalance.  They are, like electrical fields and magnetic fields, two sides of the same coin. So knowing all of this, what is the difference between one who is awakened and one who is not?  Simple; division cognitively and emotionally.  When you can remove enough competing material within you, you literally remove the blocks in your field of awareness and your field of energy that allows for  a greater flow of energy to happen.  Question is, where is the tipping point where awakening will happen?  It could be that childbirth could spark it, with its rich bed of hormones helping to mirror many of the cosmic elements that take place in awakening.  That could help support awakening, and this has been known to happen.  Sometimes a stressor happens that can stir it.  Sometimes a simple meditation, or a series of meditations can do it.  For me, I triggered awakening by simply resolving a long-standing issue that had me tied up in knots.  By letting it go, releasing it, awakening began to gather force.  How my awakening unfurled, though, was by no means text book.  it is why I write; there are many ways we can awaken and you ought not be put off by what others have to say about it.  You KNOW something has been triggered and is a horse of an entirely different color!  For me, I was able to observe this force in me without knowing it was kundalini.  I was able to see it for what it was before doing reading on it.

What I know now is that our bodies and our consciousness itself coheres to a model of energetic polarities that will take me beyond the body and into the body of the universe, into cosmic consciousness, a kind of vast network so unbelievably complex that it boggles the mind, but delights the soul.  By moving beyond concepts of the self as separate, we can begin to glimpse and then embody greater volumes of awareness here and now.  It is nothing less than knowing heaven on earth.  And for an earthling like me, that is a pretty huge inspirational experience!

So dissolve division.  What divides you is what keeps your awareness from settling into the natural pattern of the left and the right, the yin and the yang…..the left side of the body carries the yin and the right carries the yang.  They are constantly merging and commingling all throughout their current-journey through your body.  And they move with the speed of light, so the idea that kundalini “rises” is itself merely an effect the body registers as a result of this realization, most likely the potentiating of the energy in the body so that more cosmic juice can now flow.  And how it feels?  If you surrender to it, it is pure bliss.  This very fine energy called Qi (Chi) or Prana is bliss when we strip ourselves of notions and beliefs that do not serve a direct approach to it.  In fact, beliefs can serve to distort it, and over time, the energy will tend to show you a better way (to the degree that you make yourself available—note: some of us are notoriously hard-headed!).  I do know that the action, the verb that is kundalini, is itself a churning effect in my being and it shakes out the chaff.  Bit by bit emotional blocks are dissolved that have impeded the flow of energy.  The less I have in the way, the more it flows.  Perfect.  And if you are blocked and kundalini rises, the force will help to clear you (again, to the degree that you make yourself available!).

So what stands in your way?  What bothers you?  What irks you?  Realize that something in the world is just what it is; what bothers you is not because of the thing you see, it is because of YOU.  I know, great injustice bothers us, as it rightly ought to do, but what I mean is that too often, what gets at us is less about another as what is in us.  You may not realize this at first, but in each instance where something bothered me, it ALWAYS led right back to….you guessed it; me.   And it is up to me to simply see the thing AS IT IS.  When I do that, I realize that it is because I expect it to be different than what it is.  Someone who has a crazy outlook about the world is simply working their life where they are.  They are a work in progress, and why should I make an argument about that.  Wasn’t I at a place similar to that at one time, too?  So then I am free to be more neutral and realize that this is how the world is.  Otherwise, its just a bunch of energy wastage.  Let it go.  Find your peace.  If you have guilt, resolving that guilt or that shame is a huge issue.  In one of the lesser known early Christian books that didn’t make it into the mainstream Bible, Jesus was asked how one is able to know this kingdom.  He explained that when you can trample the cloak of your shame like a child naked, then you can see the kingdom.  ANd this is perfect, really, because shame and guilt all serve as anchors that weigh our souls down and keep us from being able to embody the incredible lightness of being that is part of this experience.  One very good way of coming face to face with your energy is through stillness of mind, turning inward (not looking outward) and concentrating on your breath.  Prana is coincident with your breath, and when you focus on breath, you are also focusing coincidentally on your energy.  If you stay with your slow and steady breath, you will find yourself feeling very different.  This is the leading edge of something really quite big.

While some will caution about awakening, as if it is some dangerous thing, I take a different view; this is our native state which we have fallen away from.  What gets in the way of our awakening is NOT kundalini but ourselves.  Us!  When you learn the art of surrender, it becomes much easier.  When I was ready for more, kundalini obliged and poured it on….so strong in fact, that I went into a kind of spiral that was very difficult for me, but ultimately led to a place where I felt something crushed in me.  Once this took place, a kind of cognitive collapse, I realized I had experienced what was described (very poorly I must admit) as the much-feared “ego death.”  It is a real misnomer, because what took place was more a rearranging of my inner landscape so ego was not front and center.  Also, while I know that the psychological community has their own ideas about it, I have observed that ego corresponds to that part of ourselves that observe objects as separate within space.  This level of cognition corresponds, I will point out, to the left brain.  I have reached a place where I have observed that when I am most creative and working in my right brain (being an artist, this has not been hard to observe many many times!), that I have a corresponding suspension of ego as I feel myself move into this large  space where what I am is…different.  I am more fluid and the idea of ego is less important.  Ego is still there, it is always there, but its just not rigidly held within awareness.  Anyone who claims to have killed ego is just kidding themselves.  Even the most known of people who have gone through this all have ego after. In the Gospel of Phillip Jesus even describes this collapse of the self, a kind of “destruction” after which the self achieves an uncanny power to make mountains move.  And of course, this all makes sense, because by letting the ego step aside, we are embracing the waveform, not the particle side of our awareness.  The left brain is focused on individual things, like particles, while the right brain can focus on the wave.  The left brain is a linear processor of information, which makes it limited, while the right brain, we now know, can process vast amounts of information in nano-seconds!  People who have had their left brains impaired have discovered savant-like abilities.  And this all makes perfect sense, because the right brain can take billions of particles, ideas, or visual information and process it very quickly.  We have needed both sides of this coin in ourselves in order to deal with reality.  The problem for us is that we have tended to be very left-brained as a species.  This, though, is changing, and as this changes more, the merging of the left with the right will result in more awakenings.  This is what we call divine union.  It exists within yourself!  Here!  Now!

So.  As I said in the last post, I do not get to write much lately.  I am getting this off just so you know I am still active, I simply am doing other things and concentrating on myself. It is so easy to get caught up in what is “out there” and forget the work that one needs to do…..and you would be surprised how much more clearly the picture resolves when you do that!  The compass is within each of us.  Each of us must find it ourselves.  But it IS within you.  And while kundalini yoga might seem the way to go, the way is far more simple than all of that.  Your belief, which will govern and control your actions and what you choose to do, can keep you from discovering just how simple, how foundational, actually, this experience is.  Perhaps it is because it is so simple that it has evaded our notice.  That, though, is changing fast!

So you made it this far; one word that needs to be kept in mind because without it, this can be empty words: LOVE.  Seeking the highest, you will tend to find it.  Love to you.

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Someone recently wrote to me and described a harrowing process he is going through in awakening.  No doubt, he is caught in this tight vice of an experience and is having trouble getting to the other side of it.  And yet, the process he is locked in is what kundalini does to us.  It rewires us, remakes us. It really does. Its easy for me to forget what it was like before awakening. Its getting easy now for me to forget what it was like that first year when I felt awakening stirring in me. It was so obvious how I had changed.  I write in my book, which is based on many journal entries during the awakening that it was as though I woke up one day speaking a different language.  From another planet. Just like that.  Boom.  Transformation underway.  Bye-bye Kansas!  But what my friend helped to remind me about is how we can get caught up in others’ feelings without realizing its them that we are feeling.

There is a curious capacity we develop when we awaken which is the ability to feel a person’s emotions and feelings so strongly that they feel like they are our own.  It is disorienting sometimes to have this happen, but the key to coping with this part of the experience is with awareness. Having the ability to stop and ask yourself a few simple questions is all that you will need to begin to discern between what is truly yours and what is someone else’s. Or perhaps, your engagement with another’s energy whether conscious or not….

People whom I know who have had this happen to them, most often speak of it as though it is now what they must do, that they are now suddenly more empathic.  But this is not correct.  It isn’t. If you are feeling others’ feelings around you, I want you to try an experiment in awareness and next time it happens, I want you to stop for a moment and ask yourself if you are feeling EVERYONE’S energy in that moment or if it is just one or two people in the room or the place where this is happening.  I have spoken with people who have observed decades worth of experience who have had the ability to really question as well as observe what has been happening to them and what I have found is that we attract what we are at the time.  For example, I know a therapist who has noticed that the issues she has in regards to ghosts, she will have clients coming to her in large numbers who will have similar issues.  Another person who has a major glitch from his past finds that he keeps attracting people in his work that has the exact same issue that he is still dealing with in his life from childhood.  I do the same thing and have attracted people into my life who have similar traits to people I have never gotten over.  What is interesting is when you clear the issues, and I mean really clear them, the ties can release from these people.  It is also possible that you both reach a place of healing and begin a new chapter in each of your lives (in the case of close connections in personal and intimate relationships).

You see, the experience of feeling this is so powerful and often overwhelming that it distracts us from what is actually happening, which is that we aren’t feeling EVERYONE, we are just feeling certain people.  And there is a reason for this, and it goes straight to the work that kundalini does in us, that is, if you are ready for this level of awareness to come into your experience.  What I am talking about is that in every case, we feel another early on in the kundalini process because we share something in common with them.  We are harmonized along a specific range of experience or karma.  Our energy is the same, but most often, it is about the things that remain in us that (we hope) kundalini will help to purify or release in us.  I actually had a family friend react incredibly harshly to my suggestion that she wasn’t just channeling everyone she was around as she thought she was, but that she was in fact, in each moment, channeling those people’s energy who shared something in common with her on an energy and karmic level.  When I felt her begin to pull on me energetically and I remained unmoved, she quickly got angry and shut me out in a pretty stark and hard manner.

I discuss this here because I went through the exact same thing and I now know, I was not channeling everyone in the room.  I was channeling one person only.  It was when I identified this fact that I was able to take this experience from being one where I had no control to one where I did have control or a choice.  Not only that, but after my decisive experience with examining what was at work and being honest with myself, I not longer was “captured’ by the experience like this again.  This was an experience that was different from that of the karmically joined “twin” experience, whatever you choose to call it (twin flame, twin soul, etc.) which can have a more enduring aspect and appears to also be karmic but with a sense of mission and self-work involved where feeling others randomly in public can be just…weird or off-putting.

In awakening you go through a whole range of new sensory experiences.  If you think that it’s all in your head, you will need to realize that this is simply not so.  It IS in your head, but it’s also in all things.  And the power that is now alive in your head now has the capacity to move the power latent in all things….which is to say that by connecting into the energy in all things you can more effectively get things done that need doing. this is a radically different approach to anything most people know about.  It touches on the idea of manifesting but it’s also different in how immediate and strong that it is.

Jesus, the so-called Gnostic Jesus, described this phenomenon.  He said that “once you are destroyed [ego death], when you say mountain move, it will move.” [Gospel of Phillip]  These are the siddhis or abilities/powers written about in the old Vedic texts that come about as a result of spiritual development or awakening (siddhis are one symptom of awakening).  It is also what many say should be ignored, lest they seduce you.  Well, yes, you do need to be careful with this stuff, but if you can approach it all with the innocence of a child, you can direct this power in the same way you direct an arm or your voice in order to get what you want or need.  I suppose that some feel its wrong or bad because it is an unfair advantage, but really all it is, is what you gain when you finally grow up, go through this spiritual puberty we call awakening.  Thus, everyone can inherit it. It is an ability that is of a higher order, and so with this power comes great responsibility, most certainly.  I have always asked for what I needed the most and most often in the eleventh hour.

One of the experiences is how you can feel others around you, near you emotionally, or who are connected to you spiritually, or people who are complete strangers who happen to mirror something in you.  Some of these senses are so strong that the experience is that you are yourself experiencing something as though it was your own when in fact it is from someone else.  Let me explain that for a time I would pass people on the street and I would feel their buried sense of sadness, broken-hearted feeling, their depression, their sorrow, their anxiety.  I would walk by someone on the street and I would double over from the heart pain.  Why?  Because I was more sensitive.  I was a vibrating tuning fork.  There was also another reason why I was feeling some things over others; I was not yet finished with something that was present also in these people. So for example, a man who had been injured by his spouse in his heart I would feel because he and I had the same pain in us.  I didn’t JUST feel EVERYONE.  I felt certain people. There was a rhyme and reason.  It was about mirroring. Why hadn’t I felt the lady who was walking down the street with her kids, why hadn’t I felt the old man who was walking with his wife?  Why hadn’t I felt the college student’s energy?  I had to realize I was not feeling EVERYONE.  Just certain people.  Sure, I may have had the potential to feel or read everyone the same way I read auras, but I would not ever read or feel them as deeply or as closely as what this kundalini conferred.  The events in our lives are no accidents. They follow an inner directive from us.  And if that seems impossible to you, consider that I have watched and observed this and have seen so many correlations with this that I can no longer dismiss it.  This is not a need for me to dwell in magical thinking.  It is a realization that either the world is chaos rendered into order by way of natural forces and its all just chemistry and nothing else, or everything is here because of consciousness and that everything IS consciousness.  This would be on par with what some have called this world; A Dream. It also suggests that consciousness is engaged in our physics and our world in helping to bring about certain events in our lives.  Accidental or miracle?

So it came to pass that I was at a dinner party. As I was talking with some new people I had met I began to be seized by a feeling of desperate anxiety.  I have been anxious before like this in the past.  I knew what that felt like.  It felt entirely as though it were my own.  I was feeling an energy within my own cocoon of awareness, within my own etheric sheath or auric field. It was mine, no?  Something in me said that maybe this wasn’t mine.  I thought about it.  It made no sense that it would be mine.  For one, there was no reason why I should be feeling so incredibly anxious. None. So I let my reasoning mind take some rope and try to lasso this thing some.  This is one instance where the rational does well!  So  I sat there and took stock of myself. Instead of JUST reacting.   If this wasn’t mine, then whose was it?  I asked the energy in me to show me the way.  And by golly, it did.  In a room with about seven people, the energy in me pointed me toward a man who was sitting in a chair off to the side.  He had been talking to my mother and he wasn’t someone I knew.  I decided to just be bold and speak to the man about this.

“Excuse me, but do you have a problem with feeling anxiety?”  The man pulled back in his chair, like a turtle pulling in its head. He was entirely taken off guard by my very forward question.  He had stiffened.  But as I looked at him, it was clear that I did not mean it in a hard or mean way.  I was more like a kid.  His face softened and he replied, “Well, yes, I have had some issues with anxiety.”  We both paused for a moment and he looked at me, something clearly on his mind.  He added, “In fact, I have had so much of a problem with anxiety that I have gone to therapy for it and have taken medication.”  He stopped for a third time and did the same thing; he looked at me like he was pondering something else and he said the magic words: “In fact, I was feeling very anxious the moment that you asked me about it!”  I smiled and thanked him.  I explained that I seemed to be picking up on stuff like this for some reason.  This interaction was the first case where I began the process of discerning between what was mine and what was others’ feelings.

After that incidence, the tendency to feel people like this waned somewhat. Part of it was that I tended to limit my focus more.  For some reason I had to be as open as a parking lot I think in order to begin a process of clearing, which began in earnest around that time.  As I Have cleared these old blocks, the things that I have mirrored or attracted have also changed substantially.  I once had students that were of a certain character and they have, largely, changed.  My behavior has also changed.  This results in a different kind of day and life for me. It’s an incremental process, this, but worth it because what it does is it gives me an energetic vehicle that I am in command of instead of being in command of a mass of karmic blocks and knots in my energy field….serving to distort the energy coming into me and also distorting the events that get manifested because of all those competing knots that send out bits of competing code signals to the universe.  They are me, but they are parts of me I wish I was not….but that I have not fully released.

When people say things like “She is haunted by her demons” you can know now that they are old blocks that are doing it.  These blocks act like subroutines in your psyche causing you to behave in ways you really wish you hadn’t.  Some people are entirely governed by these things. In the Gospel of Philip in the Nag Hammadi, this is what Philip describes as being the evil that must be pulled out entirely by the roots if it is to be freed from our being. It is also said in the same gospel that It is [the evil] that keeps us from doing what we want to do and it makes us do what we do not want to do. Substitute “evil” for karma, and I think you can begin to understand not just the root of evil, but also how to remove it. which requires going deep down into the very source of it.  “You say I have to go deep within myself to root this all out, but how do I do this?”  Everyone wants a method, right?  Everyone wants a way to just do it, maybe an incantation or something.  In everything I say here on this blog, it is the same; learn to feel deeply within yourself.  When you can feel deeply, you have actually begun to activate your inner sensory awareness.  Got that?  You need this awareness and you will find that the deeper you go inside of yourself, the more this sensory awareness will open up.  It is in truth, the axiom that the Greeks used to say in the temples: “Know thyself.”

You may not believe it, but once you learn how to look beyond the curtain of your own denied emotion, you will be given power over all your demons (or you will gain this to the degree that you are able to face which means that once the door is open, it is open and you don’t go back where you came from but you may only have incremental releases until it completes itself…it being a matter of time but the point being that it does not happen all at once, it can also happen incrementally).  Until you are able to adopt this childlike sense, you will be tempted by them.  Until you are the master and no longer the slave.   If you want to know about releasing blocks from your own field, I suggest you search this blog using those terms.  A lot has been written about it here. It is, in every case, based in learning how to feel deeply.  The reason why this is so important is because the deeper you can feel, the more aware you are of the occulted or hidden emotion that has been shoved down.  It is this emotion that forms the basis of so much of our karma, our difficulty in relationships, as well as our reactions an even our personal (non-religious) belief systems. With something that has such widespread influence over you, you would think that people would want to get a better handle on it, right?  One of the hardest things that we as humans do, is to be honest about those things that we have shoved down and do not want to face.  Carl Jung once famously said in effect that the self will run from facing the source of its own pain and resist changing it at the same time.  In this way, so many people become like graveyards for their cast-offs.  Search this blog using “healing blocks” and you will get many posts on this topic, from exercises that can help release stored material (like TRE for example) to ways to meditate using breathwork as the entry into the field.

I was told that I might experience a kind of “healing crisis” after releasing such deep stuff as I did in my Reiki session this past Wednesday (and which I wrote about last post).

The material that I moved was some pretty old stuff that went back to my first year of life.  My father was diagnosed as having cancer soon after I was conceived.  I grew up not knowing my Father because he was gone when I was 16 months old.  I always felt like I was a giant sponge energetically and emotionally. I had no way to deal with all of these very hard emotions.  I grew up angry and distant from my mother who I felt had abandoned me emotionally.  In a sense she did, yes, but it was because she herself was suffering knowing my father was dying.  And he did die.  And she was worried what she would do with four children.  It was 1967 and a woman, unless she was independently wealthy or owned her own business, was most often dependent on a man to provide.  That was the soup I grew up in in the womb and that I came into on the day of my birth.  My mother tells of how she and my father shared smiles and tears on the day of my birth.  My great grandmother upon seeing me said “I wonder if the poor fellow knows what he is in for…..”

Now I am not pulling out the violins.  In fact, we all have our own past hurts that grab hold of us.  We all do.  By telling you this, though, I am actually saying that if I can move such stubborn dug in material, so can you.  I have been through an awakening of kundalini, life force which is so abundant that its very force helps to remove these blocks.  But even kundalini has not move this one big bundle of blocks from those early years and which have settled into my root, sacral and partly in my solar plexus region.  Here are the more emotionaly guided centers of energy. This is where our sense of survival spring, our sexuality, our inner beauty and our will. All of this is important for healthy self image and for attracting all the right things into ones own life. When life force increases in your life and you remove blocks, what you put into this strong life force comes out as a very fast turn-around cycle for manifestation.  What poeple are talking about as the 11:11 signs and “syncs” are actually a poorly understood phenomenon that will show you, when you understand it, how you and the universe are linked in a co-creative relationship!  This is part of what my new book Waking The Infinite is about.  I am looking forward to getting this book finished and on the market!

The reiki session resulted in my being able to realize what it was I had shoved down so long ago.  It put me into direct contact with those old feelings and it helped me to understand a little better the mystery of that time which has been shrouded in a fog behind memory.  One thing I can tell you is that reiki has had similar effects as acupuncture and some body work.  I have also experienced the same effects with Qi Gung (also spelled Gong).  All of this is part of a continuum of energy work with slightly different means to the same end.  Whatever works, I say. Cranial-Sacral therapy is also another very profound method for reaching deep states of release and surrender and thus healing.  By letting go of a lot of material you can come away feeling a little unsteady.  I felt as though something had been stirred up that was kind of hard.  For me I realized that since I had never grieved the loss of my father, this feeling was shoved down and was reexperienced in a kind of distorted fashion in the way we might walk around an angry bull. Be know the bull is angry but we don’t do anything to help the bull release its anger.  We just keep walking around it and that bull just stays mad as hell.  For years.  Maybe he dies angry.  So letting this stuff goes is like walking right up to that bull and not being afraid of it only to find that the bull suddenly changes.  He melts.  Then, instead of a big bad creature we all stay away from, he became a gentle giant who lounges in the shade of trees and snorts from time to time, but only because he pulled in too much pollen from the flowers he was smelling.  Yes, this healing process is much like this. It is a revelation.

In the wake of this partial clearing my thoughts have cleared much more.  A whole slew of things I am seeing in a much clearer light than I had before.  Issues related to how the pain in my root had served to set up a vibration that attracted other people with similar problems. I have been able to see more clearly with compassion how people have sought to hurt me in the past.  I just see it differently.  the universal field energy is moving through me without the same lenses that I had in place.  People I was once attracted to I see as they are…..as people who are themselves not complete in their process, quite gnarly, and thus given to biting and other chaotic behavior. I know that as I dissolve this last big block remaining, it should have a corresponding effect on how I see and feel about a range of things that have caused me suffering.

It makes healing job one.

Being able to bring love and compassion into the moment is so important.  Learning the balance between selfless love and sound boundaries with people who are themselves not yet there is so important.  I remember toddling on my feet after getting up from the table from Reiki and someone behind me asked if I was interested in learning to do reiki and I explained that I always felt like I would be really good at it but I wanted to be as clear as I could be.  I smiled and looked over at the lady on my left and I said, “And that is why I am here.”

I hope to return next week and every week thereafter until this block is completely clear.  And then?  Its curious because a voice inside of me said “You will soon be clear…..what awaits you then I wonder???”  And I realized, whoah, I am nearing this point…..releasing all this stuff which is karmic….maybe its time I begin to shift gears into healing work.  Well who knows, right?  Life is a mystery.

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In the depth of Fall, a flower begins to bud and bloom. What could it be?

It is my sense that it is just as possible to know inner truth through reflecting upon nature than going to church or attending an ashram or spiritual meeting place. But to do it requires wonder.  And joy.  If you can approach it with this sense of newness as though the day has just dawned for you the first time even though you KNOW it has dawned countless times before, you have the opportunity to glimpse this incredible thing.  Through it, you can glimpse the masterwork of the Maker. In seeing this masterwork, you can get an idea as to the level of dedication and truly incredible detail that has gone into just such a production.  I awoke extra early today, at four in the morning for some mysterious reason, but it served to give me a nice jump on the day which also meant I was out and doing some garden work extra early, planting some seeds for a fall garden and preparing a bed that is perfect now for some new things to over-winter…..

I am finishing up some notes on this book I have been working on for the last four years now and I was reading through this one section early in my awakening experience where I wrote this piece that came out so fast….and it got me thinking about all of these issues, these ideas, thoughts, feelings all tied to ourselves, to our landscape, how we are connected to it and how we can live in harmony with it.  And when I say that, I mean an evolving real sense of harmony based on things that are real and tangible.  Its a great thought to WANT to be in harmony, but you aren’t in harmony unless you ARE.  You know?  Hunger in Mogidishu continues even though I wish there wasn’t hunger there.  For it to end something substantive has to be done about it that doesn’t make it worse and makes it possible for it not to happen again.  So what I am getting around to saying is, I think it would be great if we could develop technology more along the lines of green things…..chemistry that is entirely in harmony with its environment that doesn’t make things worse.  Is that possible?  Do things plants put off wind up degrading and turning into harmful substances in larger numbers when they wind up being carried down, say, a watershed into bays and lakes?

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IMG_5216Nature has a lot to teach us about cooperation, about technology and how we can have a clean and verdant future by developing ways of living with nature that harmonize with it instead of possibly poisoning it. Imagine a world where solar panels are tree leaves and store energy like trees do….wait….that means that solar panels ARE leaves. Exactly.  Perhaps we need to consider how we can extract energy cheaply from the energy stored by living things without the creation of deadly chemicals in the process.  Or, perhaps we can create technology that merges with nature in some way where there are fewer conflicts, such as what GMO’s are known to do.  If you aren’t up on it, the issue with GMO’s is how the modified genetic material made by humans can wind up in other native species of plants through cross pollination or by other means.  We say for example that we have ways to keep these things out of the population, but there have been instances of genetically modified fish making their way into native populations and wiping out the native populations out because these newcomers take on weight faster and compete more aggresively for food, for example.  So I know I might be going far afield, here, but the thinking here is that nature itself has done an incredible job in getting things figured out.  We should be spending more time studying how nature did it and emulating it based on its millions of years scale rather than a CEO’s ten year tenure, or an engineers career in the GMO industry, for example.  Nature has had time to figure all these things out.  Its an off-the-shelf miracle we could learn a lot from if we knew how to.

I know by looking to nature that our lives could be very different were we to want them to be.  Instead of the old way where we create all kinds of compounds hostile to nature, we could put our inventiveness to ways to NOT harm nature while still growing the food we need to feed the humans on the planet.

What I am saying is that its really worth it to get out into nature.  Even during this time of year, in the Northern Hemisphere, when everything seems to be falling away and going to sleep, there is a great deal of life happening.

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Today, as I walked through my flower garden at the house I noticed that a flower I had planted but had not yet ever flowered, was now starting to flower in the presence of cooler weather!  In fact, this was a plant I had lost track of and could not figure out what it was exactly. It was BIG….and I wondered, why was it not blooming?  I had some plants that did not come up from their seed this year, but this one plant was a mystery.  It grew big and bushy but never put out a single flower all summer long!  But wait!  Not so fast!  Her come the blooms!  So just as I am getting ready for things to go bye-bye, something new comes along just to give me a delightful curve ball! All of this since my last post about my work in the garden preparing seeds for next years’ growing season.  The flower I am speaking of are the buds that are shown at the top of this page.  The other flowers are all flowers that are blooming as of today.

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I also found that my Thai Basil is looking truly incredible with its purple flowers.   I snipped a sprig and tasted it; sometimes I really love herbs when they are flowering.  It seems their flowers add something interesting to the flavor of the herb.  The Rosemary, for example, is suddenly flowering, and this was a new plant that I put in this spring and it has quite suddenly begun a growth spurt.  I put it nearest the steps so that I could smell its fragrance as I go out to snip a piece of it for cooking.  I like that my herbs are in with my flowers.  It makes me feel that much closer, more intimate with them.

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My Thai Basil in flower ~ Isn’t the flower so beautiful? Like an iris or snapdragon or….

 

Not very long ago a hummingbird discovered my flower patch.  It was a brilliant peacock green colored hummer.  I noted that it was making a habit of coming to the flowers and spent a lot of time going around to each one many times each day.  I noticed that it often came around lunch time, so I made a plan to spend a little time out by the flowers in early afternoon.  I was rewarded the first time I tried this.  A hummingbird came to the flowerbed within minutes of my walking outside.  I had been standing stock still for many minutes and the hummingbird came in perfect timing.  I was able to watch as the bird flew from flower to flower just a couple of feet from me.  Realize that the flowerbed I am talking about is right along the walkway in front of my house, so I was standing almost in the flower bed.  The hummingbird did a curious thing, though, and I think it was checking me out; it flew in front of me and looked at me and then it flew up and then flew to my side farthest from the flowers, which resulted in its flying from one side of me to the other by going over my head.  Its path, though, was within about a foot of my head as I could hear and feel it track in a very even path around me as it checked me out. I have gotten close to hummingbirds, but never like this.  It is events like this that make creating a flowerbed so worthwhile.

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There are ants on my plants!

What I like is how nature creates so much opportunity for life.  Ants come to check out the cigar plants (I forget the Latin names) as there is something that attracts them, and that the ants probably help with.  The Peonies are attended by many ants that take the nectar that come from the flowers and seem to assist with the bloom of these remarkable flowers. There are several bees found everyday at the flowers, and a number of butterflies and moths as well as spiders. All this life springing up, creating a teeming island of life.  it makes me wonder what will happen when I expand the gardens next Spring and include sweet smelling flowers of many different kinds.

raspberry sizedI go to the raspberry bushes and I note with a great deal of amusement that bumblebees LOVE raspberry blooms and even now my raspberries continue to bloom and bear. As they do, the bumbles seem to camp out, going over them over and over like some star-crossed lover might.  I know it may not be fair to place such human traits on a bee of all things, but to watch them you would think they are drunk with their affection for these berry blooms.  I wonder why raspberries of all things?  A rabbit has taken to liking to hide out in the growing bush of the raspberry patch and often shoots out like a cannon ball from a canon after I have plucked a few ripe berries from the bushes.

flower sized

This is a simple form of worship, but it is worship just the same.  I do worship this masterwork because I know to even mention what a sheave of grass represents is nothing short of an entire miracle or twenty miracles all working together in some amazing way.  And it is in such places I put my attention and miraculously I find peace, a strengthening of the flow of energy within me, a sense of health and happiness I often miss when bound up in other work. Being an artist, I love to make things, and perhaps I observe nature for hints on design and on the still deeper nature of….NATURE!   I can see how observing nature levels the self and enlivens the soul.  I smell a flower and it sends me to other worlds now.  I see something new crawling over the fence and I follow it back to its source, amazed at where its seed could have emerged.  I have stroked flowers and felt a jolt of energy that was so clear and so perfect that I have come to realize there is something in nature.  Actually IN nature for me to find that heals.  It means slowing down and observing, rolling around in the grass a little.

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Once, a very long time ago, I used to have dreams my first year in art school about Picasso.  Now, I want you to know I really do not like Picasso’s work.  In fact, there isn’t a single piece of his work that I really feel COMFORTABLE around.  Be that as it may, something in me chose to create him or I had some exchange with someone who came as Picasso. He came about three times and each time he had something to impart  about art.  The first one had him with his bottom up in the air and his head in the grass.  He had planted himself just outside my dorm room building in a small patch of grass.  I walked up to him and he saw me under the crook in his arm and turned to gesture for me to come close.  He said for me to get down to his level and look closely. He said “There are worlds in things….but you must first learn to see them….”  so we sat crouched over ourselves in this patch of grass and as I did so, my vision took in a piece of grass maybe six inches square.  As I did this I saw how I noticed ants and small mites of some sort along with a spider and a whole world of things growing down there.  Pablo watched me with those big eyes of his and said “Look closer….” and as I did I noticed that there were these very small mushrooms growing down beneath the level of the grass.  I watched and saw grains of sand and all kinds of things I had never seen before.  It was a world down there in a small inconsequential patch of grass!  As I watched, the mushrooms began to light up!  My head moved up and out of the grass as I had, no doubt, a stunned look on my face.  Picasso looked at me with eyebrows arched as the dream faded.  I think that nature is like this….a world of things that we often miss, but could learn so much from.

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Kale in my summer garden, ready to become my winter garden….

Gardening is incredibly therapeutic. I encourage you to give it a try since it increases your enjoyment of your space.  I am sure someone has a study that reveals the link between something remarkable and what we do when we garden.

Over the last few days I have been sprouting mustard seed in order to grow mustard in a fall garden.  I am told that cool weather improves greens so I am growing both kale and mustard to try this out. The mustard was taken from a large packet of seeds bought four years ago, seed that ought not to be fertile, and yet is showing a remarkable level of fertility for being so old and not fresh.  These were seed I bought the Spring before I moved from my home during a separation from my-then wife. It was a garden I never got to plant, and yet this seed has returned two years’ worth of growth from this packet of heirlooms.  A squash plant that was lovely that I had planted he year before skipped growing the three years that my ex was in residence at my home but then chose to sprout up in the yard whereupon it grew a nice fat Italian heirloom squash that makes great stuffed squash.  It was like some weird gardening miracle or something.  I sowed the sprouted seed today into my compost area, which is  a large planter I have taken over for the task of “growing” new soil of special projects (like a flower bed, or berry bushes, or my fig trees, etc.).

The truth is, its the life force that is in all of these things that fascinate me so much.  I wish I could give everyone the awareness that has settled in and made nests in my heart and soul….for this sense has liberated love in a way hard to explain so that it can be rightly understood.  It is wonder taken beyond what I used to feel until it becomes something like love struck fascination, amazement, wonder and awe…..and all of this because of something like GRASS or a flower petal!  These, oldest of all life on the planet, rooted still, seem to bear such hidden wonder to our too quickened ways….it is time for us to slow down a little and garden….

Before I went through awakening, I will admit I was not as aware of this idea as I probably could have been.  I KNEW I created my own reality.  I did. But what I didn’t do was to see just HOW MUCH I was really really creating it.  All of it.  Who I was, what I was, how I was arranged, what I felt…the energy coursing through my energetic veins was determining so many things!  I just wasn’t aware how deep it went.  I wasn’t as observant as I could be, I don’t think.  I didn’t realize just how deep all of this went.

When I woke up, I got a second chance at getting a good old wake-up slap on my head.  And it sunk down into me.  Deep.  The force of awakening woke me to a leel of knowing that’s hard to explain….as though perceptual abilities were not just sharpened, but bloomed….the sense of Gnosis, what the Greeks called knowing, moved in me.  And what was in me was in the world.  HOW I FELT about that world was the flux field that determined what was happening with me.

So when it came time for me to backtrack in my work, which I did, I found that this stirred a world of things in me that I thought I was DONE with.  See, we can fool ourselves all the time.  Awareness is huge for us, and we do A LOT to hide things from ourselves.  What we hide, we do not see, what we do not see, we do not work on.  It remains until we realize there is SOMETHING in us that is putting off this vibration in us to cause certain things to happen because HOW we are serves to determine HOW events go.  We ARE NOT victims here.  Source granted us FREEWILL.  So HUGE was this that Source WILL NOT get in the way of that freewill…..even if it means killing or hurting others.  EVEN then!  Holy moley, right?  H-H-H-HUGE.

So as I did this, it actually showed me up close and personal all the work I had to refine.  To work on. I had a history with people who claimed to love me actually hurting me, a very specific kind of hurt, too.  I had been married before all of this, had kids and this person who was someone I shared a life with and who I thought I knew turned her back on some very important issues she gave lip service to but didn’t actually follow through on.  Thing is, I KNEW she knew these were important things.  She was going back on some pretty critical things simply to hurt me.  Now for as petty as that may seem (to me and to my lawyer, both), this was shown in the bright lights of my awakening as something I had to work on.  Afterall, I was attracting this.  I was.  And when I thought maybe I had worked through it, I met another person who I realized was going to do something very similar, something that represented the merry-go-round nature of karma and how we really can’t attract anything different from what we are deep down. The saving grace is that we can change, DO change at all different places in our lives.  So this work, I was doing.  Digging digging….And I was releasing SO MUCH JUNK!  And yet, this issue remained and as a result, I attracted based on that.  This is the relentlessness of how this all works.  You just can’t bullshit your way around this stuff.  You can, sure, but Buddha once said there were three things you cannot hide; the sun, the moon, and the truth.  So, it is going to come around.  Watch the tree and observe what it produces.  Watch people.  You don’t even need to take their word for it, just watch.  Over months, years, if need be.  What they say and how they act and what they produce as the fruit of their lives will reveal itself.  Eventually, the truth will be revealed.  Known.

So as this all took place, I saw the Dark Goddess in all her terrible presence.  And I knew how it was going to go.  Dark goddess?  What do I mean when I say this?  Within us there is both shadow and light.  We have the power, we have the choice to decide.  Its freewill.  Quite naturally, there are not just the gods and goddesses that are all light, but are also consumed by shadow, by their dark sides.  When we, in the awakened state experience such negativity, we experience the ascended darkness or the ascended light.  Again, what does that mean? it means we have the potential for both, and it is WE who decide.  And in that moment, even as my head and heart all knew that nothing good would come of this, that all of this was following a pattern, and even when I spoke this truth, the fact that my root chakra was not yet cleared, IT vibrated at an energetic frequency that was not convinced.  Now, I tell you, there is no worse place to be…..for everything in you says this is going to be bad because it turned out bad with another person before this, and clearly with the third ey and heart I could see this….but the root would not let go, could not.  Such is the nature of the unhealed lightbody.  But even then, in partial knowing, it was read by the Goddess as rejection, as abandonment, hurt, pain, and all she knew to do was to strike back…..to seek to harm and hurt.

So for one relationship I had a child turned against me.  this child wont speak to me because he believes what his mother has told him.  Buys it hook line and sinker.  Besides, why would his mother lies to him about such things, right?   In another instance it was said in a puvlic forum that I was sexually abusing the students I taught at the school I work at.  It was said that I used my abilities to manipulate people into doing my will.  Further, I admitted to this Dark Goddess that I did this in order to get what I wanted.  It wasn’t just that I did this, I did so wantonly, with design, with malice!  But this was not all.  if soeone else was percieved as somehow coming into a circle of influence, those people, too, would be subjected to the same kind of behavior, which was an attempt to punish, to hurt, and to demonize.  So hurt, so broken from the past that the past and present cannot be seen for what they are or as they are.  So clouded the vision, so bloodied the heart.  When we do this kind of thing we grow more karma, we do more harm not just to others, but to ourselves.  It is unfortunate, but out of such things I had to stop and just look at myself and ask why I had attracted this.  I didn’t make them act this way, no, they chose this, but I sure attracted it and THAT was what I had to examine and really look at, because once I did that, I was able to see more clearly the things that remained to be healed.

My chakra centers, nearly cleared, KNEW this would not go well. I was able to predict just how it would go……how she would seek to punish me, hurt me, even though what I was doing was true and fair……not an effort to hurt or harm, but to cast truth…to speak the truth about how this all was a replay of old hurts…..that we would simply be banging our heads against the wall.  I had already had this experience with a spouse a few years before, so you would think I’d have this one all worked out.  Well, we heal when we heal, and having someone do what my spouse did was particularly hard because it involved children, but the effect was the same pattern of retaliatory behavior in the following relationship, which is the Dark Goddess in her wrath.  She is the image of Kali, the angry one, the one who vents her rage…..but as humans, when we vent our rage it means people get hurt.  The powerful energy behind rage has to be very carefully wielded.

As a result of this experience, the humbling effect has served to bring me back into myself, back to where I need to be to place my awareness on the parts of me not yet fully healed  What is interesting is that all of this is energetic in nature.  The energy pattern is not physical, so when it heals, IT can heal immediately and completely if we let it.  Whatever lingers can then go on to create disease in the body, so it pays to clear all of this up as these unhealed places represent life force that is being choked off and used for all the wrong things.  So often we wind up experiencing diseases that are all part of a series or spectrum of energy effects that transfer effects through the body wince all of this is delicately connected (energy feeds into the body!).

Some people say forgiveness is important in healing.  It is.  But what forgiveness does, in all truth, is that is clears the way perceptually for YOU to realize that the truth is that all along all of this hurt and pain and terrible junk that has been happening TO you is actually YOU creating situations in your life where this junk that is IN you plays out in FRONT of you.  So we say we are not aware of our fractures, and yet those fractures are right there IN your life.  The women in my past were all very good at putting on a face at the beginning of their day, but this face was the ace they thought they had to wear.  I too in a way was doing the same thing. I finally grew tired of the masks and when that happened, the masks began to fall away.  The layers of hurt and propriety fell away.  the bullshit fell away.

And this is the fear that we feel when we wake up. We fear death, we fear change, we fear it being different.  Knee-jerk.  Totally.  But once we DO change, its never so bad as we thought.

So let it go. Your higher self will lead you perfectly.  Think of it as being like a cosmic parent that is there helping to mold and shape your life and wont lead you to the wrong place.  Just to the places that you need to go to learn. And you will realize that none of this is being done to you…..this is happening for a reason, no exceptions, and it has to do with who you are and HOW that “are” puts out a vibration which magically attracts certain events and things into your life.  Want to change that equation?  Change yourself.  All the way down, truly, fully and honestly.  That is the answer.  And the work is what lies in front of you since the hardest part has already been done; the realization that there is more work to do!

Good luck and all my heart-felt blessings for you in this!

©Parker Stafford

This image of the Buddha I created a few years ago to express a certain sense about the awakening experience, which has a lot to do with being able to be IN the fire of awakening or a spiritual experience while still remaining blissfully calm.  Being able to do this is an important part of being a primate.  We can reflect and we can control ourselves.  We can seek the highest, even if that highest thing is something we aren’t quite sure we even know IS. We can each find a place of calm where we can be powerfully present, observant, but not always in the throes of the drama of our lives. We can choose to let the clutch slip as we simply sit quietly and calmly, observing and letting bliss wash over us instead of feeling angst or anger, or hurt or pain or jealousy or any number of things that really wind up wasting our time here on the planet and just burn up energy and make life harder for all involved.

Sit down for a few quiet minutes.  Give yourself permission to unhook, to not have all of your worldly tethers on and demanding your attention.  Instead of your life pulling at you, I want you to try and watch your life float on by.  Just let it be like a big blue balloon of a moment where the string slips out of your fingers and you find that you aren’t upset in the least; it already is done.  No use crying over spilt milk…..

So slow down.  Feel your life as like a river.  It is noisy up close, but you are going to get very quiet inside so that any noise is merely incidental.  It wont matter so much to you.  We all can have very noisy lives, and it can sometimes be a bit like street noise.  It is all lovely, but let it all drift into the background some.  Let the part of you that is Observer be that; observe.

So sit comfortably and calmly. Think about your life, but do not get caught up in it. You now have permission to look at all of it in the same way that you might watch the landscape move past you as you float in an inner-tube on a slow and lazy river.  No worries. You cant stop it, but you can watch it all happen.

Whatever it is that bothers you, the universe can take care of it and WILL take care of it if you just let it be.

So let it be.  Watch your life pass before you.  See your mother, your father, your brothers and sisters, your children, your coworkers, your friends and the whole wide world just slip on by you.  For a few moments just BE here and watch.  Observer. Be neutral.  This is a bit like what death is about and is actually what it serves to teach many who can let go; surrender.  We fear death, but death is in truth a great learning opportunity.  We learn so much when we die.  It is so final and so much is brought to that moment of finality…(or SEEMING finality).  But we just let go and the feeling can be so delicious and so wonderful.  Whoever said death was horrible must have never remembered dying a time or two!

And if your life is one big drama after another, try this; yes look at all that lively drama you created.  It is such a mess, is it not?  Oh my goodness!  But you know, even though its a mess, I bet that if you let it be and start living differently, the mess will just take care of itself.  You just wont contribute to its being a mess anymore.  Perfect.  Oh sure, you might have to dip your hands into the mess a little to finish it, but you would be surprised to know just how many things are already about as done as they could possibly be and would never be improved on by our sticking our hands back into it to try and make it better.

It doesn’t mean that you don’t care when you are being the Observer.  You are merely not being so reactive and being so engaged  that you can’t see what is in front of you or have any sense of perspective.  Relax, breathe, and tell yourself that with the help of the universe, everything is going to be okay.  Even the stuff that seems messy now will sort itself out in time.  Inside of you is something so perfect, so right, that when you let it flow out of you without trying to control it anymore, it sets up just the right conditions and events for your greater unfolding.  If you want to talk about ascension, which is something I don’t think ANYONE really understands (but people write about it as though it is something that they know), then this might be a good place to start.  But then, this might just be something that I find useful for me.  All of us are different, and your own inner voice might be calling you to do something different; honor that.  You just never know when its going to turn into an ADVENTURE!

I tell myself this one a lot when I come across the harder things in my life.  I say this and keep saying it.  Each time things that were hard get a little bit easier.  Its not like running a fast race, but its worth it I think to no longer being so ruled by things.

So sit and take it all in.  This is your life.  All of it.  Now go live it!

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