Message From The Mountains – Part 2

In the midst of all of this awakening the experience taught me that there was little I could do to effect any positive change outside of my own inner change. It was such a contrast. I was changing fast and my ex and my son weren’t changing, they were actually reacting negatively to the energy that was flowing through me. They were in polarity. I was watching this horror show unfold and there was no changing it. It was going to happen, I tried many times to be a calm voice of reason, but there was one way this was going to go. Somewhere in our development we rise to the surface of all the samsara and gasp, taking in the air of a new life and wonder if there is any way to stay in this new world long enough for change to happen in the depths. How do we turn this ship, which has been on the same heading for years? There’s no use in sugarcoating any of this because we all have been born into a world that is riddled with dysfunction. Most don’t notice (and are the happiest among us), in large part because they are so enured to it that the horror of our world have been normalized: mass shootings, the poor living in tent cities, nations rushing headlong into war with nuclear armed nations! The (lack of) humanity!

Whoo boy, Parker, I don’t think they want to hear this stuff!

Because of my own makeup as this kind affable person who was this thoughtful artist and mystic, I sometimes have attracted those who lack what I posess. They say opposites attract. In addition, for me, these personality types have been involved in abusive behavior, an issue going back to my childhood, so I suppose I grew accustomed to them and unconsciously attract or am attracted to them. I was a year out of an abusive marriage when this person energetically forced her way into my life. This person was a carbon copy of my ex behaviorally. Part of me knew it and had taken a protective stance. This time I was along to see if I could change all of this. Could karma be changed? Was I mad? I really wanted to help make change, but people need to be ready to see and help make the change. Had I really wanted to help or change someone as a run-around changing myself? Not so much. But maybe a little. Maybe just enough for it to be a problem, a karmic hook. Karma creates chemistry.

Finally, after years of emotional chaos after emotional chaos and her temporal meltdowns, she finally found someone else to latch onto who lived far away and she moved away.

She had told me the first few weeks I knew her that she had spent her whole life moving from one place to the next, spending not more than five years in any one location. It was because of the abuse she had experienced, she said. When she moved away five years later, I realized that the genesis of all the problems were about her. She wanted to run, because my presence pushed her buttons. She would panic in my presence and she dudn’t know why. It had nithing to do with anything I had said or done. I spent years trying to be calm and cool as she went through meltdown after meltdown. I realized that this wasn’t going to work. She would push responsibility for her feelings onto others. If I didn’t pay just the right amount of attention to her in public, she would berate me. Everything became my fault as I slowly grew tired of the treatment. To make matters more strange, she would say how terrible I was and then a week or two later go on about how important I was in her life. I remember reading about these kinds of people in an article that described these personality types as saying “Your terrible, I hate you, don’t leave me!” I was fooled for years with the act and only in our last year together was I able to begin to see the behaviors for what they were. I had willingly gotten back with her numerous times in the hope that something might change, but her limit was about two weeks before she would meltdown. I had to realize that this person had been doing this her whole life and it was time to let go, bless her, and hope she could find peace.

I wound up learning about narcisists, and saw how both women I had known were on the spectrum of this behavior. My ex was the most destructive, though, because she was toying with the hearts and minds of my children. Still, both were amazing in their destructive capacities due to their inability to fully self reflect. At least not when it mattered most, which was when they were in full freak mode and were trying to pin the tail on the wrong donkey. Life with these people was like living in a house of mirrors. And you want to know what? Some part of me was attracted to that vibe, even if I didn’t know consciously what it was that I had on my fishing line. All I knew was that the energy was BIG. I had to admit that I had to unlearn this and be open to awakening to aid me in releasing the karma and the sense of supernatural draw. This isn’t to say there weren’t important moments, or bright light in either experience. I just happened to become involved with some incredibly immature people.

What I didn’t know was that if you stepped back one lifetime or three or seven or fifty (more like fifty for one), you see some really gnarly stuff happen, a real tragedy unfolded, and in some cases, no one was at fault, and yet HOW people reacted to the event in the past created the karmic pull lifetimes later. People died, reincarnated, and were pulled back into relationships again, but this time all they felt was this powerful pull and this breathtaking sense of attraction. I wish it wasn’t so counterintuitive as that.

I have to say that in each soul connection I have had there was some rough karma to work through. In one case it was as simple as me wanting to serve and please another person. Once I knew everything was good, the MOMENT I knew that her awakening that took shape when I entered her life (all from a great distance I might add) was to her great benefit and that she was happy despite our not being together, everything just fell away. “I’m happy, Parker, I really am!” The karma was that I had felt like I had failed her in another life, and in some ways that was true. She was a leader and I a trusted aid. I gave bad advice and because of it people died and she and I were then wound like wicker to each other, you could say.

All of this was an education, of course How practical was it for us to be together really? She was in Canada and I was in the U.S. We had only met two times. She was only willing to go to the water’s edge and I needed to jump into it and swim to the continental shelf to find the endless blue, the kind of deep blue that is like staring into the Void. It was the Void for me. And I understood before we parted ways that she KNEW she wasn’t able to go where I wanted or needed to go in this process. Neither was wrong, each took what they needed.

Who can say what is right for anyone? In the end it wasn’t some great love down through time, no. It was this meeting where I helped her as an African Pharaoh. But underlying it was this wrinkle in us both that led us to screwing something up royally. So when I hear people talk about twin flames or twin souls as this split in a person’s soul, I have to chuckle. No, it isn’t that, I don’t think. It feels great because it is a crack in the cosmic egg, and in rushes our soul energy which is amazing! The gift is we feel the energy from the divine leaking through into us at first, then flooding more and more later. This flood of truth can also freak peole out. We are able to realize a little of what we are beyond all of this. And yes, it is amazing and glorious, but it can also send people to dark places too as their unresolved issues can get amplified.

The reason why we aren’t able to see into this realm of soul so well is because of how we have evolved. It would help us dealing with spiritual experiences if the curtain was pulled back a little more for everyone. This curtain or veil so many speak of is merely how we have learned to tune all of this amazing stuff OUT! What we feel when we feel the draw of the twin is the draw of karma with the incredible boundless love of the soul. Soul love is the great untold story in all of this. So whether you become aware of it within yourself as pure bliss or if you are caught in a soul connection, the effect is the same. Meanwhile, I think the best thing to do is to make the best of it.

So when my ex showed up recently, it was bizarre. Surreal. I didn’t have the sense that she would EVER be able to acknowledge that she had done ANYTHING wrong or bad. But there she was trying to use her new dog as the way to introduce herself and why she was there in the first place. Just stopping by….and by the way, she wanted to say how sorry she was.

But hang on. Did this person really know why she was sorry? What she did was behavior that was exactly like a psychopath. That term sounds really severe, doesn’t it? But a psychopath isn’t some axe-wielding slobber-jawed maniac seeking to kill anyone they see. No. Psychopathy is actually the lack of conscience in a certain area emotionally. It is a blind spot, a lack in the emotional feeling space of the individual. It leads a person to do horrible things but never see or understand why any of their terrible behavior is a problem. You can’t know what you don’t know, the experts explain. And it could be a blind spot in one area and one area only in their inner landscape. By being that way, a problem could lie unacknowledged for years. People like me, spouses, could see hints of it, but I am a glass half full person so I just told myself it wasn’t as bad as it was, which served to enable the behavior to some extent. Everything else about her was so functional, so smart, so aware, so caring.

Psychopaths charm the public and often rise to places of power sometimes and as presidents they can send us all off to war at the drop of a hat and with no compunction about it whatsoever. Psychopaths are functional people, and they are everywhere. They are in politics, medicine, in Fortune 500 companies, in schools, and in families. They are people with a blind spot in them. In the case of my ex, it had to do with how she used my kids to try and hurt or punish me for not giving her something she felt she was entitled to in our divorce. When I explained what happened, people had a hard time believing it. The same was with this other woman. People would remark about how together she seemed. Then we would get to my place and she would go into an emotional melt-down that would be hours and hours of drama. In fact, I found that the longest she could hold it together was about ten days. She would claim that something about me pushed her buttons. This was always a mystery because there was never any action I would do, no trigger that could be identified. No, it was my presence. It was my realization that the jig was up and I was at the end of the illusory rope. She feared letting go of that rope. She held to it for dear life even as I coaxed her to loosen her grip. I was a threat…but the threat I represented was the threat of freedom. We often don’t see freedom for what it is and instead see it as a threat to our safety.

By this time I had ceased trying to help her anymore. I saw that she would go into one temporal meltdown after another. My guide’s words echoed in my mind: “You wouldn’t be doing what you are doing now if you knew what lay on the other side of this.” I had learned that I could see freedom as a threat or freedom as an unknown to be feared. I never put this onto another person, though. So given all of this, I stood there watching as my ex said that she was sorry.

So I asked her if she knew what she was sorry for.

She gave me this squinty look that told me she really was lost and had no idea what I was on about. It’s okay, her awareness is her awareness. You can’t pretend that her and your awareness is anywhere near the same. Meet her where she is.

So I did something that was uncharacteristic of me before awakening happened, which was I began to rattle off a few of the worst offenders in her behavior. To her credit, she listened and didn’t turn defensive. Before this, I couldn’t bring up ANY mention of her bad behavior without it being turned back on me, effectively gaslighting me. Twelve years of an information and honesry embargo. It was always my fault back in the day. All of it. But now she was squinting at me sideways and not putting up a defense. The tables had turned. Still, I wasn’t going to do what she did to me, nor did I want to. I kept on going down the list and she didn’t run away. I learned that she had been through a lot of therapy about all of this, and my guess was my innermost fantasy had come true, which was a therapist at some point explained to her just how abusive her behavior was and maybe she needed to set things right if she was ever going to feel any better. The clue was probably how obsessive she was about how she felt she had been treated unfairly (in my defense I behaved in a way I knew was fair).

What happened was something I was unable to achieve, which was to forgive my ex for what she did. Something came undone as a result of our talk out in my yard that day. I realized that this was the end of helping the broken birdies. From now on, everyone finds their way and no more being overly generous (and setting up a sense of entitlement). It is important that everyone learn how to be self sufficient both materially and emotionally, right? It seems time for a new chapter to be written, because honestly, I thought that this was it, and if that is so, I had little interest in this world to be honest.

How someone’s act of contrition, their mea culpa, was able to shift how I felt about the whole of life was downright magical. Instead of feeling like I wanted to beat a quick retreat back to the numinous realm I felt more eager to remain here on this still crazy ball of earth spinning through space. What are the chances that the craziest species ever, bent on destroying others and itself, but would get one of the most beautiful planets in the cosmos?

Besides, I have a project that I have to finish, which will help to settle a multi-lifetime theme involving the birth of Christianity and how it once taught sophisticated methods for attaining the Christ within. Surely its worth staying around to get that taken care of, right??

My hope is that we didn’t all wake up only to turn woke and ideologically extreme, unable to capture the nuance and the broad range of what it means to be a human here. I pray that the maniacs don’t get to decide our destiny. We all need to look our neighbors in their eye and offer kind words of understanding. Soon. We are being divided faster than a fraternity can cut up a pizza on Pledge night. For as bad as things can seem, there is so much to be thankful for and so much hope that lies curled up within our world…

The result has been a loosening of these threads that held me in an alienated position. I also see that when I hold a karmic cord tight the person on the other end often holds tight to it also, unaware of what that little bit of tightness is all about. But loosening, it goes away forever, and does not return. Perhaps the relationships that mirror this karma fall away. Perhaps some might continue changed. I think I am at that point of more wholesale change, so I rather think its time for an entirely new chapter….no…a new book to be written.

I do wonder what happens to the people who were part of those old patterns when the patterns get erased, healed, or transmuted. I suppose they are like the sacred actors in our lives who often bear terrible things that then provide the potential for us to choose differently and to feel differently as well. We are here for such a short while, and we are all coming and going. It seems worth it to make the most of all of this and face a many of our demons as we can. In spirit all things are known. On earth, things are veiled. What happens when we bear heaven to earth and cause the veiled to be seen again. Do we do our little part in redeeming earth or our little place in it?

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Behold The Narcissist

Narcissism is a term used to describe an emotional dysfunction and personality type. I never knew what a narcissist was until I lived with one. What is so crazy about life with a narcissist is how they are able to operate for years undetected even by their victims. The narcissist is a consummate actor or actress. They don’t even seem to be acting, they appear to be completely convinced of the positions that they take. It is their apparently certainty that makes them hard to spot. They are highly functional people who hold positions often of power and control over other people. They can be leaders, authorities of some kind or another. For a narcissist to be successful there is one thing they need to make it all work: the victim. This isn’t just anyone. This person needs to be unable to understand how a narcissist could in fact be devoid of true feeling and proper emotional boundaries. To the victim the narcissist seems normal. In fact, the victim can often want to believe that the narcissist is a normal person. This can go on for years. I was married to a narcissist for 16 years and most of what she did to me and my children was carefully done behind the scenes, behind my back, so that I was left wondering what on earth was going on. I doubted my sanity, I felt like something was going on but I just didn’t know what. This ate at me, and it wasn’t until years later when family members began coming forward to fill me in on what she had been saying that the behavior all began to make sense.

My abuser was so successful because I was so unwilling to consider what it was she was doing was as bad as it was. No way she could be working against me. No way she could be trying to hurt me by using my children as pawns. I just could not imagine anyone doing that. I mean, who would do such a thing? After all, I had lived with this person and she showed no sign of being the kind of person who would do something like this. Get real, already!

This did happen, though. It was nothing short of a nightmare. After seven years of this kind of petty behavior that drew my children into an abusive spiral, my ex when confronted, refused to admit that she had done anything untoward or wrong. Standing outside my building which I had caught her breaking into, I asked her why she had said the things she did to my children. She looked me straight in the eye and said she had never said such things to my children. Ever. And if you didn’t know her very well, you might believe her, or want to. She sounded….wow, it was a great performance. I think people like this are missing something in their heads and hearts. They think what they are feeling is real but they just don’t know this level of real. it is like they have a reptile brain and they just go along and ape everyone else when it comes to the higher functions of being a mammal or a primate. I know that sounds hard, but after years of this I finally realized that people like this are fundamentally different from the rest of us….and most of us don’t even know that they are.

Years ago I had an old friend from high school who I remained friends with throughout my college years and into after I got out of graduate school. I noticed how she had a string of relationships that always started and ended the same way, over and over. I became her go-to shoulder to cry on when things went south. It wasn’t until years later that I figured it all out; she was having relationships with men in her life that were replays of her relationship with her father, which was strained to say the least. Because she was unable to get past her misgivings with him, she replayed that drama over and over in her relationships with other men in her life. Remember the saying “what you resist persists?” Well, it happened to my friend and later in my life it also happened to me. After I divorced my ex, almost exactly a year after we separated, I became involved with someone who was a carbon copy of my ex in many respects, but with a twist. In this case, this person actually tried to utilize my own kundalini to facilitate hr own awakening. This was something that was done in absentia, or through the etheric, but the result was very real. Strange, but real. A telepathic bond was created that was so strong I was unsure that I would ever be able to break it. My life with this person was an experience of their projecting most everything they suffered from being put onto me. The narcissist has no ability to truly self-reflect. But wait….didn’t she say how sorry she was? Didn’t she say how sorry she was, how horrible she had been only to tell me later how she had gotten better? Turns out this is another part of the abuse spectrum, which is saying how horrible they have been and then begging to be taken back or swearing how they will change even though the behavior never does change in any material way.

My second narcissist told me early on in my knowing her that she hadn’t stayed in any one place for very long. She said she only stayed about five or six years in one place at a time, a pattern that had been with her her whole life. Before knowing me, she had been married for about six years. Before that, she had also been married prior to that. She wound up staying about 5 years in the area before moving on. Publicly she sounded like she had a great life, but privately she expressed how much she disliked her work and how unhappy she was. I saw how she would say one thing to one group of people and say something different to another group. Sometimes, these stories would grow or shrink in scale depending on how stressed or upset she was. It is never about herself, it is always about another person or some other source that is causing the problem. What happens when you combine kundalini with narcissism? Is it even possible? We are all human and the realm of spirit can be nuanced and complex. There are also levels to it. We all go at our own pace and we often get in trouble when we try to define their experience through our own experiential lenses. Fundamentally, there is a dishonesty lying at the base somewhere, a dishonesty with ones own self that keeps a part of the self in a broken and delusional state where these types of people seem to believe that the problem is with the world, or with some person or some other shadowy threat “out there” when in truth, the threat comes from within. Trying to redeem them never works because all of this is an inside job. So the empath can get sucked into trying to help this type of person. Round and round they go until the empathic person finally realizes that the same pattern continues to repeat. It only seemed like they were gaining ground. It was all a show. And the only cure is to cut them free so they can go on and continue their behavior until the universe conspires to reveal to them when they are ready to see the fatal flaw within and then set about healing it. it might not happen in this life, who knows when it happens. It is an inside job. The empath learns a great lesson that it is not their job to save anyone, only themselves. This is the lesson for the empath that will lead them to their own healing, which will take them out of the orbit of people like this in the future. The one thing I had in common with a narcissist was me.

It’s easy to point fingers, harder still to do the work inwardly to look good and hard at your own flaws. And yes, needing to help so much that you are blinded by who the narcissist is is a flaw. It is the one flaw I am working to give up in total. Sometimes the greatest act of compassion is letting go. It doesn’t come easily, but within it lies the greatest of lessons. To be able to cease seeing yourself as a victim in this is the next step. If you were pulled into this type of dynamic, you played a part. It was a great cosmic set up meant to help to show you where the flaws exist on both sides if you are ready to see clearly enough. The most important thing one can do is to forgive yourself for putting yourself through that. I have found that when I do this first, forgiving them comes naturally. This isn’t the usual perfunctory “I forgive you” but is instead a much deeper and ore substantive forgiveness that has the power to shift the draw that we have with people like this. The lesson is learned and when it is, these people lose all their charge for us. This isn’t something you can fake, it has to be done in an authentic way. In some cases, just being away from it long enough can help to create the contrast necessary to see just how bad it all was and how you never want to go back to that kind of madness again.

I was once told that the universe is neutral….but the forces in the universe are not. Whether you are drawn to someone based on negative or positive karma, the draw can often feel very similar….but the difference is what lies beneath. Being able to get to that deeper substratum within the self is where the work lies. It seems the way forward is in being radically honest with yourself. The draw can seem supernatural but the past can be marked by strife and trauma from other lifetimes. All of this is healed with love and that just lets all those threads drop away.

I was actively doing this with my first narcissist years ago in a period of rapid cord removal. It was one of the blessings of kundalini; I just made myself available. What I found that bothered me a good bit at the time was that many of the cords I was dissolving were cords that were tied to my ex at the time. I could feel these taut cords let loose, often in quiet moments, and moments after it was gone I could feel her presence on the other end pulling them back into a taut position. By then, it was too late. But what was so interesting was how she would go into a meltdown within about 12 hours or so after the release. I counted nine times that a cord was released that was tied to her, followed up with her going into an emotional meltdown, upset for some reason or another. It was very instructive to me because it showed me the etheric effects and presence of these lines of influence that work behind the scenes in our lives. Instead of my ex accepting the healing, she went in the other direction completely. She got worse. She got more angry, more mean, and poor thing, she didn’t seem to even know why. All of this felt very dangerous to me because this I knew would lead to her lashing out at me and my children. She was never able to see or sense more deeply to understand what was at the root of her own behavior. It showed me that at least in this life she was not redeemable. She wasn’t about to heal, she was going to hold on for dear life, and that was that. I had married someone who didn’t have it in her to heal in any substantive way, at least not with me around. Narcissist 2.0 was much the same except with the added quality of saying how she was changing while she in fact had not changed. The stumbling block that I had sensed in her from day one remains to this day. Some day she might get around to healing it. I hope she does because it will add a little more peace to the world somewhere, but luckily, it wont be anywhere in my sphere of experience. When I am able to give up these things, the universe has a very efficient way of clearing these people from my life. Thank goodness.

Acceptance is the most adult and most compassionate thing that can be done in my estimation. Narcissists only respect the authority like judges and police, never their victims. Until they can see what it is they have done will they begin to change. Only they can do this work, and who knows how that will play out. It has been incredibly instructive, just as my inner voice had told me it would be, which would be one of my greatest of teachers. It just wasn’t the kind of teacher I thought it would be. But that is fine, because the universe is neutral and sometimes we take the light with the dark and do what we can as we can.

What is interesting is how everything can change when I decide to no longer be silent on the matter. In the case of my first narcissist, writing to one of my children who was affected by what his mother had done was one important outgrowth of this process. It is hard to explain how vulnerable a child can be when their mother is so willing to lie and obfuscate the truth to a young child. What is a child to do? Whom are they to believe? Families can be torn apart by this kind of behavior, something known and parental alienation syndrome. Whether that child can take what I write to heart isn’t what is important at the cosmic level because that child will do what that child’s freewill dictates. However, just by writing the letter some things have shifted for the better. And for my second narcissist, just by writing to that person and letting them know some of the inconvenient truths which I never spoke about (what was the point I wondered?), that alone has begun to bring rapid change in my life at a material level. New people are beginning to filter into my life all with a very different vibe than from before. When we signal we are ready, that signal can often be honored. I think for me, it was long over due.

How To Deal With A Narcissist

But before you deal with a narcissist you might need to figure out if they are a narcissist or not. One thing that is helpful to understand is that when identifying personality disorders, you don’t need to have all of the symptoms present. People exist along a spectrum in all aspects of life. You can easily have someone who has borderline personality disorder who only has half of the stated symptoms as stated in the DMS 5, a guide for health professionals in diagnosing and treating personality disorders. My first narcissist was hard to identify because she had so many behaviors that looked like she was selfless, kind, and caring. When the gloves came off, though, the truth was revealed to me: a lot of this was an act. When she got mad enough, she would start telling me exactly how she felt, and it wasn’t pretty at all. It was in moments of stress that the truth came out and that was when I was able to see for certain that this person said a lot that sounded like she was a kind compassionate person but that these outbursts would show how she really felt. Was she an undercover narcissist? Did she submerge a lot of her behavior that was narcissistic unless there was stress in her life? With narcissist #2, some behaviors were easier to identify right out of the gate. I suspected that this was a replay of my life with the first narcissist, so I think I was more able to watch and observe behavior. With narcissist #2 there was more apologies but with the result of pulling me back into the web of manipulation and chaos. Being able to identify these types can save you from a great deal of strife in the future. Luckily, narcissists are fearful of being found out and will go to great lengths to keep that from happening. In my situation, I was told by my attorney to make notes of my ex’s behavior and to save all texts and emails. This helped a lot in helping to dispel any notion that this was just in my head. The same was repeated for the second narcissist. I saved posts and emails and texts and they helped in creating a library that revealed how contradictory her statements were and how much of a liar she had been. Because she tends to crave others’ attention and approval, having someone who can call them out is not someone who will stick around you if they know that this is the case.

Identifying A Narcissist

Good luck, and take my advice: there is not real dealing with a narcissist. They alone must reach a point where they themselves are willing to change (or an authority imposes it on them). It is better to step away and ask yourself why it was you were drawn to them in the first place.

~Parker