Archives for posts with tag: nonduality

It took a bit of courage to photograph and then publish the marks that showed up when kundalini rose a decade and a half ago. It was an odd thing to witness these marks, one on my right hip and another that emerged after a clearing of karmic material tied to my heart center several years later. The posts about this are in the archive. I include one from the heart below.

At first when I wrote about it, there was little comment about them, but after about a year comments began to come in with people describing similar marks who had been running searches for burn-like marks after spiritual events, and voila—they found me. Many tended to be either on the hips or near the shoulders. Then, a few years ago, a Japanese graduate student shared photos with me of his own marks which were nearly identical to my own, also on his hip and another like my heart center mark except at his throat chakra which following a kundalini awakening.

I thought that someone or something had done this to me, but as increasing numbers of people have come forward to describe their own burn-like marks, it seems to me that these marks may simply be what happens when strong energy is being released (because of its proximity to the energetic event tied to kundalini awakening). Intuitively it seems right that the marks could happen when energy is trying to move up the legs to the torso, and vica versa, and like an energy bolt used to traveling in a more or less straight line, it has to make a sudden turn and becomes impeded and marks result (this is my theory at this point). This could result in a burn or iritation to the skin. For me, I know that this is nothing mystical or “woo-woo” but serves as a physical trace of the energy in the physical. I also have not just marks that emerged around the time I awakened, but I have a persistent mark over my heart and recently that mark has moved.

It would be helpful if science were to take an interest in this observable phenomenon. Absent that, I am left to investigate and collect accounts by others with similar effects that have happened to them.

Three days ago, I noticed that the mark over my heart center has moved. It started at the lower sternum as you see in the photo. It has moved up by about 2 and a half inches, and the mark, which has tended to be circular, and which has been constant in its presence for years now has grown three times in size. It is less noticable but can be easily seen in the right light. It hasn’t waned in that time and resembles two semicircles that sit opposite each other along the vertical axis of my torso. The end of each semicircle doesn’t touch the semicircle beneath it, but the effect is seeing a near-perfect circle being formed (or at least suggested). I am observing it to see what it does after this move, if anything.

I often find it hard to describe what I feel because while I know that it became a novel but continuous state compared to how I felt previous to this experience of awakening, its constancy has led me to find it to be a new normal. How do you normalize supreme bliss? I spent years learning how to appear normal while speeding through another world within. It’s progress now that I can keep from needing to sit or lie down for an hour or two because the bliss is so strong. There were periods where I would be so blissed out that I would forget from one moment to the next what I was thinking about or even doing. It didn’t even matter in many cases. I can’t say that I handled it all that well in the beginning, but over time I learned how to carry that bliss while being able to focus on the kinds of things that would normally get wiped away by the thick blanket of bliss.

The effect of the bliss is that it has had a significant effect on dulling or eliminating a lot of pain in my body, and softening emotional pain. While this is helpful, even miraculous, I am concerned that it could make identifying a physical problem difficult in the future. Pain is an important feedback when things go wrong that need attention. I sometimes worry a little about this. Could I miss important signs of my imminent demise? The bliss says, “pipe down, it’s okay, just chill…” What’s behind the bliss? A cocktail of chemistry, I have found. It isn’t all just dopamine, but a good portion is based on my experience and investigation into it.

I disagree with Jana Dixon in her assertion in the Physiology of Kundalini that dopamine does not play an important role in the symptoms of kundalini. I have observed that high dopamine levels are responsible for being able to take part in the release process because while dopamine is a natural pain killer, the effect it had on me psychologically was that it made it possible for me to let go, and to stop “grasping” for the old familiar psychological patterns that were the basis of old beliefs and programming. What I experienced fell neatly into the realm of high dopamine levels. Additionally, I have found that in people with schizophrenia, the condition involves an inability to properly metabolize dopamine, resulting in a build-up in the brain resulting in the psychotic break if nothing changes. I found an online conversation of a group of schizophrenics who had gone off their medication just to see how long they could go without serious problems. One person said that he discovered his symptoms after a week were identical to kundalini. For me, this was proof that at the right level, dopamine is directly tied to elements that makes kundalini feel the way that it does. It may also be responsible for boosting psi ability in the brain by allowing the self to tune out the usual signals through the sensory cortex in favor of tuning in the nonphysical senses. Dopamine, it could be said, gives peoole a pleasant rush at one level, but could do much more at higher levels.

When I read accounts of people who smoked opium (a dopamine analog in plant form) many of the accounts described symptoms very similar to my own experience with dopamine. When the self lets go and surrenders, the chemistry instantly shifts away from the stress hormones of norepinephrine and adrenaline and into the softer more dreamy dopamine/oxytocin range of the spectrum. And who among us haven’t felt intense feelings of love during awakening? I am not suggesting that dopamine production is kundalini, I am suggesting that dopamine is the concoction that creates part of the experience of bliss in the body. This is all being coordinated at the nonlocal consciousness level. Dopamine doesn’t get produced or released until the signal from the consciousness comes. I will also add that I am aware that other compounds are in this mix, it’s just that the effects of dopamine were so easy to identify with some simple online searching. I do think that without a little adrenaline, dopamine tends to make me want to lie down for considerable lengths of time. It slows motor response, it has even slurred my speech and gave me the stereotypical “Buddha gaze” where eyelids are often at half mast. I wouldn’t rule out the presence in small amounts of DMT since in small amounts it has been shown to create bliss. I for one would like very much to test this in a clinical setting to see how DMT bliss compares to my own physically produced bliss compounds.

When this shift in the heart happened, what I count as the fifth in a five-layered process (tied to the koshas—each chakra is like an onion, kosha meaning “husk” and each layer aligns with the five major aspects of the energy body: emotional mental, physical, energetic, and spiritual). This means that each chakra can be cleared by kundalini up to five times as it acts on each aspect of the chakra and its koshas.

At this time, just a week before the change in location, I inquired in meditation to find out the nature of a hitch that I had for most of my life, which is a habitual tendency to move into poverty consciousness. This never made much sense to me in the past because I always had a capacity to get whatever I needed in life, so what gives? Just ask and it will be given.

I realized in the course of the inner inquiry that there were no limits that existed within, and what was causing it was a vestige remaining that came from growing up in a family where this issue seemed front and center. I was myself taken on a very fast journey through a space that I knew was my being and what felt curiously similar to a spaciousness that I experienced in the wake of the third clearing of my heart center in 2008.

In my recent meditation, my inner guidance took me through this vast open space and there was simply nothing there that would impede it (it was completely clear—a vast brilliant white space–my own connection to and experience of the divine white light capable of being anchored here by me in this life). Huh.

This was new to me because over the years this inner space was always cluttered with something. I grew accustomed to feeling the “remainder” of the stuck energy that had yet to be resolved, with the process always being where I saw, noted its presence (after a while of getting used to this process), knew it was there, but relied on the energy to get to it in its own time. I, as a result, never second-guessed the energy in terms of which block it would get to next because it was much better at getting it done than I could ever do on my own. That said, I did practice Qi Gung and meditation in order to ‘soften the ground’ so to speak in a hope of making things go more smoothly for this intelligent energy. It was my “project” and after years of doing this work sudden it became a wind-swept silence of a space.

“There is nothing there” my inner guidance said to me. There was nothing in my way, whatever that hitch was that I had was now gone. Looking back I realize that most of it was the result of other people who either expressed a poverty consciousness, or it was people near me who tried to connect me with it. Luckily those people have edited themselves from my life now and for the last three years I have been actively engaged in bringing my studio business back to life (with the greatest growth happening during the pandemic).

Within days events changed. I had cobbled together work from last month’s production in the studio, held an event, and in 20 years of doing shows and events, this one wasn’t just better than anything I had done before, it was head and shoulders beyond anything that I had ever done since I began the business in 1997. I thought it was a fluke until the next week’s event was just as crazy as the first. This was repeated a third time for good measure and the result was the same. The whole tenor of the business has changed. I am hiring part time help and the truth is, it wont be enough. A new chapter has opened up. The heart mark had shifted during this time, signaling a readiness to step into the next phase of the journey.

The curious thing about this is that I keep hearing that abundance is tied to the root or base energy center. I feel that for me, it all happens in my heart as a pivot point, a mediator, between root and crown centers. For whatever reason, this was the most natural outcome for me. How is that possible? Is it that when we do something with love, it can only really emerge best from the heart? Would it then be an outcome mediated by it?

All of this is the culmination of years worth of work, so while this recent development was a pleasant surprise, it was one step along a long line of steps. And why am I even saying this? It’s to show that there are different ways of doing this work, to convey that the moment someone says that something must happen a certain way, you can know there are many paths that lead to the same summit. The other side is my sense that none of this is supernatural but is, I think, natural. It’s physioligical and driven by an energetic force we unfortunately don’t know much about in a scientific way because so few researchers are willing to delve into it. We do have reams and reams of accounts both current and ancient by the people experiencing the phenomenon. It is described as a serpent in India. Based on how the energy rose up through my body, I can understand why. But there is no snake, there isn’t even a Shiva and Shakti meeting at the crown. Those are apt descriptions to say what it is like, no one thinks it actually is that. This is much the same as Jesus saying the kingdom is like a candle, or a treasure in a field. The kingdom isn’t literally those things, it is like those things. Based on my observations it is more likely that this energetic even is the result of the two brains, the left and right hemispheres finally synchronizing in a very particular way which leads to a sudden rush of energy and bliss flowing into the crown and radiating throughout the body. That may not sound terribly exciting, but how the mechanics sound and how it feels can appear quite different. Prana is just electricity?? It might be that a slight “over-volt” in the body is enough to supercharge the brain and kick the endochrine system into high gear where a host of hormones kick into high gear resulting in better health, sharper physical senses, and an expansion of cognition even into intuitive abilities. Clearly these burns or marks are the result of a real physical force, and the best explanation is an arc of electricity perhaps coupled with resistance at critical points where energy flows from and to the torso to the legs. It would help if someone with a technical background were to take an interest. How to rouse those in slumber?

Personally I suspect that the phenomenon represents an area of inquiry scientifically that would likely serve to challenge materialist views long held about consciousness as arising from matter rather than the other way around (which is what I think this is). It also has the potential to vault us into a new understanding of ourselves, and our potentials If only we can break the log-jam of enlightenment-era thinking (namely Descart who championed the idea that we are just biological machines entirely driven by the matter assembled that we call biological life). The incidence of marks that show around energetic events like awakening is one such example of real physical traces that help to anchor the phenomenon in something more than “woo-woo” and gets us all closer to “how-to” through an investigation of this field as a once-rare event that is fast becoming a more common phenomenon.

I know that it is entirely possible that my heart mark could help show the physical traces and existance of the chakra, not as a belief or notion promulgated by Eastern philosophy and esotericists, but as a reality that could serve to point to the system most directly tied to the forces of consciousness.

Additionally it could help us to understand the size of the chakra in the energy body. The fact that the mark on my heart emerged immediately after a heart clearing event, was the size of a dime at that time (in 2011), only to change size while also moving up my sternum by about three inches may have a lot to tell us about how this system behaves. While we may not have dozens of people for a half-decent study, we may be able to glean information from the few who do exhibit these markings as a response or reaction to the energy. Is this mark, which persists, the result of a strong energetic pathway that opened up in the wake of awakening and the release of emotional baggage? It feels electric to me, so that would be one clue for future investigation. I also sense that what might be increased electrical activity in my body may well be felt or read as bliss in consciousness. I see a connection with this energy serving to stimulate my endochrine system which has led to a host of positive physical results. It also, not surprises, has pushed libido a good deal, and with so many experiencers describing kundalini as a sexual energy, this effect may help us to understand why, while helping us to see how this energy impacts the body in a positive way (while understanding better how to support the physical organism so it has less chance of burning us out or experiencing negative side effects from the energy).

Currently most materialistically inclined thinkers think that the idea of the chakra is just speculative hogwash. I think that by upping our game on this front we could begin to show anecdotal evidence that this is more than mere speculation.

The problem I face is finding the people who are affected in the same or similar ways as I have in regards to the marks. While I have a handful of people who have reported having had simkar marks only one has been willing to share pictures which he took before the marks faded after the surge of energy that likely produced them faded. While I had a hip mark, my Japanese friend developed a mark at his throat chakra which is not that different in size and shape as my heart chakra mark. At this point, these kinds of numbers are not enough to convince any researcher that there is anything to it.

If you have experienced this type of phenomenon, I would like very much to know because it will help us to better understand this phenomenon and without data, there isn’t any interest. If you have images you can send them to info@staffordartglass.com. Your info will be held in confidence for any contacts that you make.

~Parker

Boy, this has taken a bit of courage to post especially given my stance on using substances for altering consciousness in the past. Gulp. I am writing, though, to share an observation and point something out that happened in the event that you are interested in taking a deeper look on your end. Or not.

July 1st 2021 was the day that the prohibition of marijuana ended in the state of Virginia. Not long after that, a friend stopped by the studio after having obtained weed. All legal, now, and what a strange place to be I suppose.

If you read my blog you will see that I advocate natural means for reaching alternate states of consciousness. While Terrance McKenna didn’t believe it was possible to enter into the numinous without DMT or psilocybin, I know different. While I very much respect what these early psychonauts were attempting to do, theirs was just one path or road to “Oz.” In a way I would have liked to have spent some time with Terrance explaining to him how I came across this naturally. I don’t think it would have changed his mind, though. For his generation he had found a viable way of gathering knowledge and experience that in many ways is perfectly valid because of how broad and far-reaching consciousness is. My way took longer so it was not a path meant for the impatient. People get bored quickly.

While under the influence of a drug we say that our consciousness has been altered. Has it really been “altered” unnaturally? We have receptors for all kinds of substances that are found in nature that allow us to experience what those agents do to us. We also have bodies that produce many of those compounds naturally also. You can see that I might appear like I am hemming and hawing. The truth is, I think that plant agents can be very helpful if used judiciously and not used so they become like a crutch. That said, what I hear from friends who have used marijuana for years illegally, is that it is far superior for cutting anxiety and helping with sleep than drugs that leave them feeling out of sorts and with other unintended symptoms (“may cause intestinal bleeding, rapid heart rate, shingles, fear of the unknown, sleeplessness, and dizziness”).

Recently a friend offered some of the devils lettuce to me and I decided that I would take a very small amount because I was curious to see what effect it would have on me now that I have awakened. I decided quite unexpectedly that I would give it a go after many decades of having sweared it off. I explained to my friend that one reason why I didn’t smoke the stuff was because it made me feel like I could feel this immensely large consciousness very close to me and I explained that I could not tell if that consciousness was me or if it was something else. It made me feel very….self conscious too! My friend looked at me and just smiled. I realized she had no idea what I was even talking about, and I kind of felt funny even mentioning it. That’s one reason why I don’t talk much about any of this stuff because I inevitably wind up sounding like I am crazy. Or baked.

“I’m not baked! It just sound like I am!”

After my friend left to go home, I was free to turn my attention inward, which I was eager to do to see if I could trace the contours of my awareness and see if I noticed anything different about it. Obviously I felt different, yes, that was the drug, but what about whether it might confer something interesting in regards to awareness? It all happened quite quickly.

At first I thought it was my imagination. It seemed real, but ever the scientist, I needed some form of proof one way or the other. What had happened was my mind turned to my two children who live on their own now, having grown up. When I thought of them I had the distinct impression that my mind was locking into their own vibration and that I was seeing through their own awareness, something that had not happened before in the way it was happening on that day recently (I keep my distance so as not to spy on my kids). It was novel and different from what I have experienced in years past when I had a connection to someone or when I was running some strong energy that would have an effect on my awareness. I don’t mean to sound contradictory; when awakening came there was a slew of phenomenon that I was peppered with and they all seemed to just happen without knowing how or why. Yes, so I was psychic from having awakened. The Hindu write at length about this, it is a sign of attainment. And everyone is a little different, none of this is a competition. In those earlier cases, my perceptions would become more sharp or would open up more. This would mean I would feel what others around me were feeling. The difference between then and now was that back then I felt like I was tossed bodily into the experience. I felt like I had little say-so about it. I felt it bodily, but what I was feeling or experiencing recently was a lot more controlled. I felt it more as though I was in control of myself, and I had the distinct impression that something in my awareness was able to just slip into these thought-streams and it certainly had the distinct feeling like that was exactly what was happening. Still, maybe it was just my imagination, maybe it was the weed. I took a few moments and surveyed the landscape of the mind of one child and when I decided to pull out of it, it was like breaking the surface of the water and I was out of it. In fact, it was like waking up from a dream where it got to be a little hard to even remember what it was I had just seen and experienced.

Reflexively, my mind turned to my second child, and the experience was completely different. I experienced what felt like a panic attack, but it was unlike any kind I have myself ever experienced before. It came on very fast and then was gone very quickly. While I was experiencing this, it felt completely real to me. What’s more, it showed me something about my child that I had not considered previously. I had seen these sudden outbursts before and I had not understood them, two had happened just recently when I was helping with a move from one apartment to another. It had thrown me for a loop. It was upsetting, and I was left at a loss as to what on earth had just happened. Was it possible that I had gotten inside someone’s head? Was it possible that I was now seeing or experiencing what this child sometimes experiences? In similar fashion as the first experience, when I was out of it, it felt like popping out of the ocean, moving from one phase or mode into another. I was now back in my own local focus. When had that happened before the way I had just experienced it? I couldn’t say that I had experienced reading someone like that in the way I had just done. The difference was that I felt like I was in control of the experience. I was able to pull out when I was ready. I felt like there was this observer in me that was able to watch and then feel what this emotional and mental material meant (or seemed to mean). Still…was it just the weed that had done this, had created the appearance of this phenomenon? Like I have said, it felt like the real thing.

The memory of the experience kept at me the rest of that afternoon. By that evening, I resolved to call my child to compare notes. My only concern was there might be no interest in talking about any of this, but when I did call there was no resistance to discussing it. I was so relieved. I remembered what a psychic friend of mine explained to me many years ago who said that often when we read someone and really see them, when we see them next, they will often tell you everything about what it was that you had seen perhaps a few days or a week before. She explained that it was like some part of them knew that they had been seen, and this is something that sparks a response even if it comes from a more subconscious state. We know, but we don’t know that we know. Perhaps we suddenly feel like we want to tell that person our life story, or one part of it. I had experienced this before with a number of people who I had read in similar ways before, so I had seen some evidence of this being a thing. “Read them and then they will then speak back to you everything that you saw, which is a very good way to confirm without needing to ask that what was seen was accurate.” What was remarkable was how much of a breakthrough it represented in my understanding of another person. It became clear to me that what was experienced was in line with what my child experiences.

The feeling that I had when this scan happened was a sense that I was going deeper into my mind than I normally go. I don’t know how else to describe it than that. I had the distinct impression that I was using or utilizing a part of my brain that doesn’t normally get used and it felt like it was a deep innermost core part of brain and self. Each time that I had this experience happen, I was aware that I was in this very deep place within that had been made possible with the use of the marijuana. Maybe it is a little bit like what we do when we channel? No, strike that; it didn’t feel quite like that. No one was taking me over. I was slipping into a mind-stream and my own inner perceptions were analyzing and sensing what was taking place or what exists within their mind-field of thought and feeling. That is what it seems like from my vantage point right now. One outcome was that I understood a little better how my child might get triggered by me or something I say or do. It was helpful because by being more aware of what I say or do or how I interact, I can in some instances head the triggers off at the pass.

It feels like I have gone full circle in my work and my experience with kundalini. In the beginning, I was swept up by the force of the energy and I had all kinds of unusual experiences taking place that I seemed to have no control over, they simply would happen. I would know things, I would walk past someone on the street and I would feel their painbody or their load that they were carrying around. I didn’t seem to have any control over it or when or how it would happen. Now, though, it felt much more controlled. It felt like I had found that place in the center of my brain where there is this transceiver. It felt just like that. It felt like I went into a place don’t normally go that was quite deep and it was there that I could see in this “new” way. Yes, I have had experiences similar to this before, but now it was also different. Now, it was controllable, more intentional. At first, I felt like I was spying to be honest. But then I also realized, if what I was experiencing was on the mark and not just imagined, then this kind of insight could help me to better understand the behavior and reactions of others who are near me.

Clearing the inner junk is critical for being able to fine tune your inner senses. This is why doing the “work” not only helps you to be free from the distortive effects of your own repressed emotion, but it also can make you clearer as a seer or psychic. It makes your life more peaceful as you integrate the truth of who you really are in a concrete way in your inner sensory landscape. I have seen in myself how stored emotional material can get in the way of inner sensing work. I have also seen in another person that I knew very well who was constantly projecting her own mental illness onto me or others whenever she “read” them. The problem was how readily apparent she was drawing from her own inner index of past material but was unable to see how it was clouding her own inner vision. Another friend who is an established psychic with years of experience counseling others is someone who has worked doggedly most of her adult life to clear and cleanse herself of stored emotional material, and the result is that she can do cold readings that have an incredible level of accuracy. The only difference is one person has done the work and the other person still has a lot of work left to do. So let this be a lesson to you; do your work! One sure sign of what you are seeing is inner material being projected onto the other person is that fear is often involved. When I felt my child I didn’t feel fear, I simply experienced something on a visceral level but I can’t say that “I” was the one feeling it. I was sensing it, yes, but I knew it didn’t originate with me….and that is, I think, the small but significant difference. Mind the gap.

So did weed make me more psychic? Did it open part of my mind in a way that it helped to catalyze this new shift into awareness? Possibly. I find myself having to admit that I will have to conduct a few more controlled experiments first to see if I can more completely confirm what it is exactly that has ben taking place. For all I know this might be something specific to me, but then again, it might not be. I think it is worth taking a look at, especially given how after decades of negative press about marijuana the results are showing that instead of being dangerous, that it has medicinal qualities and for this person, it is a great sleep aid. Much better than taking some complex pharmaceutical compound that might leave you with a host of undesirable side effects.

I’m not rushing out to buy and use. I am, however, quite keen now on seeing what else it might suggest to my consciousness as directions to go. Sometimes a compound in a substance will act like a trap door in our consciousness which we can then go back without the compound in us and recreate through our own native chemistry. How? We meditate on the state that the substance produced in us originally. Does that sound strange? Turns out, people describe how they can recall the states experienced with psychedelics in such a way that they don’t have to actually take the drug again in order to produces its effects in consciousness. THIS is how the plants can help us. We can recreate their effects in our bodies and consciousness if we simply focus on them and remember their effect so clearly that the body itself produces the effect that we are thinking about (which the body is expert at doing). It is amazing when you think about it: if you focus on feeling a certain way, your brain will see this and then your body will begin putting out the chemistry for the state you are imagining.

So? I guess my views on using substances has changed. There is nothing wrong with using them if you understand what you are going into. Psychedelics have been known to help people perform some of the same “exorcisms” of emotional material as kundalini does. There have been a lot of recent studies in this area that involve the use of magic mushrooms that have had some very amazing results for those involved in the studies who took the mushrooms, and were more positive in result than other drugs that are legal to use which can produce many undesirable side effects. That isn’t to say a psychedelic wont produce some intense experiences for the person, the difference is that often when faced with a negative experience, the issue is often being brought up to be healed. Just noticing and seeing that emotion fully for the first time can be enough to break the bonds it has in our subconscious. Ergo, it can be, however hard, a path to authentic healing. And no, it isn’t for everyone.

Absent the drug effects, it seems that all of the same requirements are the same: face the fear or the emotion, see it for what it is, let it play through you but remain dispassionate in relation to it (don’t grab back at the emotion in order to keep it) and it just goes “poof” and is gone forever. Ayahuasca does the same with a lot of vomiting and being led to facing old repressed emotions and fears in order to overcome them. DMT seems to offer some emotional release effects as well. But I think at what point do these things become crutches? No one will know except you. As for me, I am now a little more curious than before and is an old dog who is learning some new tricks.

This. From Alan Watts. From me to you. I don’t always agree with these teachers, but Alan gets to a state of mind necessary for beginning meditation and how to get the mind to go calm so you can go deeper. It’s also an easy thing to listen to because of the imagery and music. Nonduality is for all of us. Let it happen…

Alan speaks about a type of consciousness that I have written about as a result of having experienced it directly without a teacher or a book to tell me about it, and it’s an important part of what awakening is. I say pay attention. I call it “particalized consciousness” and “waveform consciousness.” Alan calls it “spotlight” and “floodlight” consciousness. Bring that forward, focus more through the broader and you will begin to experience it if you learn how to emphasize that part of you. Now go watch that one, too!

When it comes for you

will you?

Breathing in bodily

will you feel how it is aroused

in you?

This divine spark kindled;

the outer breath

meets the breath within breath

which is “yes”

But will you?

Invigorating

vivifying

it brings you to new life

stepping through death

without fear

and the “yes” of the new…

The old skin falls

like the petals of the rose open.

Prana is not just breath

but the soul of breath

the poem says: like light distilled form stars

an ecstacy beyond all ecstacy.

It breaks the old,

a bright red thread revealed,

soulful purpose

where divine alignment is found,

ever sought,

always aligning in every second

it was meant to be this way perhaps

for those as lost as we…

stumbling on our way to Promise and Paradise

But will you?

Will you welcome it?

Like an old friend

both shipwrecked together

but joyful now to be together,

each learning from each…

the god and goddess and the ancestor of that god and goddess

reaching forward and back

as outer breath meets

the inner breath

and the course clarifies as each breath is contemplated

proven,

experienced,

but never fully grasped in totality,

it’s shape and curve pulling you further

like a lover…

The end of shame

is the beginning of the path.

Here, excuses fall away

for why creation was anything but perfect

and bliss

breath by breath…

cracks open the old beliefs

that fall as we ascend.

if you search articles in neurophysiology or neuroanatomy, you will see a raging debate about something called “hemisphericity” which implies that you can have one hemisphere more dominant than the other. Well yes you do, in some ways, and in other ways, no.

THIS article explains that you CANNOT train one hemisphere to be more dominant since the brain is so involved in cooperating between its different regions and “sides” that such an idea is impossible (and debunked in the 1980’s).

Everyone, from winners of the Nobel Prize in physics to the artists behind the Archibald Prize, used both sides of the brain when performing any task. In fact, the idea that people can be classified as left- or right-brained was debunked in scientific literature in the 1980’s

https://theconversation.com/mondays-medical-myth-you-can-selectively-train-your-left-or-right-brain-4704

The problem, I think, is that we are dealing with an incredibly complex and also nuanced biological machine we call the brain. So many regions responsible for different functions, we think, based on the data so far collected. Something gets lost in translation, I think. And while you might be using one part of your brain for one type of function, you might also be using other parts as well. If your body is in motion, well, you have the motor cortex in on the game, too. Lot’s of busy-busy. And to my mind, based on the research I have been doing over the years on the brain, I think some scholars and researchers tend to get lost in the details….because let’s be honest, there are a lot of details when it comes to our grey matter.

The same source goes on to say:

Despite this, left/right-brain training programs appear to be gaining popularity. This is puzzling because there’s no evidence indicating that you can train just one side of your brain. Such attempts are doomed because the two hemispheres are heavily interconnected and constantly communicating.

Ibid

Again, there is truth in what the writer is saying, but there is another side to all of this and it has everything to do with how we do indeed train ourselves how to utilize the abilities that appear, thus far, to be seated in one hemisphere in the brain. You might wonder where I am going with this and how this is tied into kundalini, but give me a minute.

When I was in art school, I was keen to be the best that I could be as an artist, and part of this was to learn how to use my mind to its fullest as it related to the creative process. Betty Edwards had come out with a book entitled Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain a decade previously, and we were beginning to know a few things as it related to the (visual) arts where the brain is concerned. In this seminal work in the field of art, she explained how many people often use the wrong side of their brain when creating artwork, or in creating likenesses of people in portrait work, sculpture, or landscapes, for example. The problem, she explained, was the left brain is reductive in its approach, meaning that it tends to create abstractions and stores “ideas” of what an object looks like, not really the real thing. The left brain is great for making cartoons, but it’s terrible for creating real-life likenesses (“abstraction” means to take those details that you feel are the most important and isolate them—such a left brained thing to do). This is one reason why many beginning artists are so bad at making a realistic likeness, which is due in part to their drawing on an inner image of what they think something looks like rather than what is in front of them. It is a very difficult habit to break in our species it seems.

Over and over, Edwards showed how art students would draw an eye and a mouth all in the same stilted manner, making almonds for eyes and sardines for lips. But look more closely; do they really look like that? “Draw what you SEE!” was the admonition by my teachers. Of course, do that, but you have to get out of the part of your mind that tells you what it is that you THINK that you see. And what are the implications of being in that abstract left brain process? You are in fact living in the past. You are drawing on an inner image of what it is that you think you are looking at. You wont EVER see what is in front of you so long as you let the left brain continue its dominance in your thinking and doing.

This has everything to do with enlightenment, I promise, and it can show you the folly of trying to use the “rational” left brain in the process of enlightenment. But hang on, I am going to string you along a little longer!

By the way, you can pick up a very inexpensive copy of Edwards’ book here at Thrift Books in case you would like to be better at drawing. The book has a lot of very good exercises that actually work if you want to be better at art.

There was something about art making that I always found curious, and it had to do with what we call inspiration. It was always this elusive thing. I knew enough about it that I could lay my hands on it when I needed to. I understood it intuitively, but it wasn’t like it was something that I could force. In fact, it was the opposite of forcing. I had to bid it come. I had to be receptive to it. And that was the point. Inspiration, I found, was not something that happened in the way the logic circuits of my left brain worked. What was even more interesting to me was that I often bumped up against a very interesting outcome of the inspired state when things got really intense, and that was that i often would wind up feeling sexually aroused when things were really cooking. I can remember staying up late into the night working on piece after piece. Inspiration would breed more of itself in those solitary hours as I worked in the studio. I felt funny because I had never heard of this before. Was I weird? Was it just me? I later learned that I wasn’t alone, that a number of other artists and writers commented on the coincidence of the sexual with the inspired state. The writer Anais Nin wrote about it a good deal, as did other artists. Maybe it was natural. I felt like it must be. I suspected that the channels that carried creative energy and sexual energy might not be all that different. They might in fact be the same. Our idea of creativity might actually be the stumbling block. Some of the great artists had a charisma and were notable in their sexuality often (although not always). I always felt like there was a connection here even if I was too young to know enough to say definitively.

Fast forward twenty-five years or so, and I wake up after using a meditation technique a friend I met through an online forum who had passed it on to me. I have yet to meet him, but we had a lot of very lively conversations through email back in 2006. The result of my using this meditation method was that I inched closer to awakening with it. Suddenly suffused in a brilliant white light during meditation, I was flabbergasted, and after which everything picked up steam in the strangeness department and in a few months I “popped” and the cosmic egg was cracked. I didn’t go into this thinking that I was going to try to awaken. Back then “awakening” wasn’t that much of thing, not like it is today.

I had no idea what it was that I had. I considered I could have had a brain tumor (yes really). I didn’t speak about what happened to me to my family for close to a year. I was concerned that I could be carted off to the hospital or institutionalized. As a result of this, I spent a lot of time observing what was taking place inside of me with this new energy. I had a keen sense that I had stepped into something entirely new and I was very much on my own now. It was exhilarating and lonely all at once. I sensed that whatever this was that had happened, it was permanent. there was no going back to Kansas, there was no putting the genie back in the bottle. There was no being normal again. I felt like a stranger in a strange land. It was both death and rebirth, caterpillar and butterfly. I had no resources upon which to refer to. I studied the phenomenon closely as it unfolded within my mind and my body. I wanted to know as much about as I could summon so I could take my notes and see if they compared to any other experiences other people had had so I could get a better understanding about it. It is interesting what happens when you rely on yourself in this way. As you ask, so shall you receive. Miracles tended to happen, small ones, inexplicable ones, sometimes on a daily basis. I would later learn that these were called synchronicities, a term coined by the Swedish analyst and researcher Carl Gustav Jung.

One of the important aspects of the awakening process for me was how I felt like some new state was being brought online, activated, and it was different from the way I normally had felt. I also saw how similar the awakened state was to inspiration, something I was very familiar with. In fact, I would say, they were identical in terms of how they felt and behaved, the only difference between the two was a matter of degree. One was much stronger than the other (can you guess which one?). I wondered if this wasn’t me shifting into my right brain more, or that perhaps what kundalini amounted to was breaking the bonds that kept the right brain constrained because this unrestrained portion seemed to emerge almost out of nowhere (“almost”). I began to feel that human beings were in fact left-brain dominant by nurture, even artists like myself. I suspected the entire race was this way, that we simply had developed this way as a means of survival. Linear logical things are extremely good for getting stuff done, no doubt about it, but I think that we as a race were (and are) moving out of that old paradigm so things are shifting now.

When I learned that what I had was kundalini, I saw how the Hindu’s use the imagery of the man and woman, how one side was depicted as the feminine, and the other masculine. These images were created for a reason, and I had already felt the twin energy of what felt masculine and feminine rise up through my body. They were speaking to me about my condition.

I got to watch this curious phenomenon in myself for months, close to a year, even, before ever cracking a book on kundalini. When I saw the merging of the masculine and feminine and on the correct sides of the body, I realized, they were describing the same thing I had been experiencing. They had images painted on the foreheads of yogis called a Tilak and it was shaped exactly in the same way as my third eye awakening proceeded. I actually can feel when my third eye opens, it creates a force of pressure that is exactly like the Tilak. They were on to it, and while I searched article after article, no one really was able to explain why the Tilak was shaped this way. I knew it was shaped this way because that is how it FEELS when the third eye is fully activated (more than just a small round dot in the forehead—this was a process that proceeded over a three day period in order to completely open the third eye, a chakra that spread all the way to the back of my head in bands horizontally and in a dual-forked energy vertically moving upwards, corresponding to the Ida, Pengala, and Sushuma nadi (energy channels — the feminine, masculine, and cosmic, respectively).

They say kundalini is the coming of the feminine Shakti. When I felt this take place, I recognized it as the part of my mind that I often used when making art. It was the same, but it was also much much more present, more powerfully present once the cosmic switch was flipped. Before all of this, I had to search for “her” and then I had to wait quietly, in a receptive state. I had to become that feminine trait that was in me in order to reach the inspired state. I began to consider that the cosmic light switch was using the mind to overcome the resistance we all seem to have to shift out of the logical confines of the linearity of thought that have so predominated our thinking for so long. To open up to the right brain was like a revelation. It felt like letting the genie out of the bottle, literally, as if it had been held in such tight confines for so long. And why does it feel like that? Because everything in the left brain is small, it is highly focused, linear and logical. We just don’t realize how caught up in that part of the brain that we are. The more that I slipped into this very large space that was the “feminine” I felt like I was set free. I also felt disoriented for a time, and sometimes would go scurrying back to the familiar prison of the left brain. This is most popularly called a “contraction” in awakening circles. Every time I did this, I felt a strange pain, the painbody so many were talking about. I made it my mission to break out of painbody once and for all. It took great effort, an effort at letting go of so much that I thought was important (but was really useless baggage).

I didn’t have any proof that my theory was correct, though, and to be honest, it seemed like the whole of science pertaining to the brain was against me. I went searching, and what I found was one brilliant gem, the work of Doctor Jill Bolte Taylor who, in her now famous TED talk, described how as a neuroanatomist, she realized one morning while getting ready for work that she was having a hemmorage in her left hemisphere. She knew it was her left because her language centers began to shut down. She had trouble understanding English, she had trouble even reading the keys on the phone to try and call someone to help her. This took her about 45 minutes to do, to call out to tell a friend that she needed help. As she recounts her harrowing ordeal, she found that another brain state started to come online, one that she had never experienced before, a mystic state where everything was connected: samādhi. She stood there, tears streaming down her face, describing how incredibly beautiful the experience was. She also proclaimed that, because of the shut-down of her left hemisphere, she was able to have a unique view into a state that is normally only experienced by yogis or gurus or by people like myself (and perhaps to you if you have experienced this). Her talk, entitled “A Stroke Of Insight” was the last nail holding down this idea that I had based on little more than my own observations that this comes about by way of letting go of the tightly held control that the left brain has, probably has had in people, for centuries.

Not long after this, I looked into the concept of the left brain acting as a brake against the right brain, and as if on cue, researchers were finding new evidence for this in fact being the case in the months prior to my thinking about how this appeared to me to be at play in the awakening process (how it overcomes this left-brained dominance). I read about people whose corpus collosum, the nerve fibers connecting the two hemispheres of the brain, which had been damaged in utero through disease, exhibited some unique traits of superconsciousness, but which also kept them from being able to fully participate in society because they had limited communication between their two hemispheres. It was amazing to watch and to read how these people have incredible genius and yet had trouble tying their shoes are making up a grocery list or coping with the rigors of linear life in our world. I saw an analog with their ability to calculate numbers; I had answers come into my mind with lightening speed often, vast amounts of information, a storm of it, processed in fractions of a second. I sensed that my experience was tied to their same abilities, except because I had two intact hemispheres that could “talk” to one another, I could call on both sides of my mind, not just one.

When I began to catch on to how early Christians were talking about a unitive state that caused something to “rise” (see the gospel of Philip) and how people would go from being “dead” to alive, I felt like I was seeing how they were describing awakening. The more I read, the more I saw this pattern in their language emerge. It was curious, too, because these Christians were branded heretics and stamped out over a period of about two to three hundred years. In truth, the effort continues to this very day, but the main part of their work was done between about 200 to 400 A.D. more or less.

In their earliest writings these early Christians spoke of the “left and the right” of the “father and mother” coming together in the bridal chamber and out of their union came the Christ. While Christianity and Judaism before it had a notable and solid use of “left and right” meaning the goats and the sheep, the bad and the good, it certainly appeared that these Christians were turning these old conventions on their head (in the same way that they were turning the creation of Eve from Adam as that moment when our whole being was cleaved from its primal natural state into one that was responsible for our Fall even further because of some bite into Knowledge). Further, in the Gospel of Philip he goes so far as to say that those who do this aren’t just Christians, they are Christs. Whoo boy, nothing gets the Orthodox in a lather faster than insisting that the Christ dwells in all people and that this state of being comes about through the feminine and masculine coming into union with one another (the father and the holy ghost or sprit). Further, the feminine was revered by this group because it was she who brought so much wisdom, the ability to see deeply into things, to know (gnosis), not to simply believe (which is a poor substitute for knowledge) and to even heal.

Ideas like this sound strange to us today because we have about sixteen hundred years of entrenched belief behind the notions that we think of as Orthodox (a compound word from the Greek meaning “right thought”), but for those early Christians whom we call Gnostic, this was the authentic path to becoming Christ. And precisely because of this constellation of the feminine, masculine, and the indwelling Christ (which was treated in the same way that the Buddha is in the East which is to say that the Buddha is not a person but a state of mind that each person has within them, but is in slumber…..or more accurately, the person is slumbering before their own inner Buddha), was why this was too much for the Orthodox wing of the church to handle. Hadn’t Eve been the one who brought down the whole house of humanity? Hadn’t it been Lot’s wife who turned to look back even though she was told not to? David can go on for chapters in Psalms about how many people he has killed and no one bats an eye. Never mind that he was transgressing against the Law of Moses.

When I felt this triadic quality in myself, I thought how perfect that was: as above, so below. We make babies through union physically and we make a new level of consciousness inwardly with the two like-male and like-female parts of ourselves, an engine for enlightenment, with these two qualities which are in ourselves. This was much more natural than the Orthodox way which was an all-male club. It just seemed more perfect, more in keeping with how we are actually composed esoterically. And what better way to fold the feminine into our spiritual lives here on earth by making her the mother? The Gnostics believed that two people so awakened to this inner seed of light in themselves should have babies because that light be would all the more be kindled in their progeny, the result being an elevation of the spiritual quality in humanity.

If you want to see mysogyny in motion, you need only see how Christianity stripped itself bare of any kind of decency in what it did with the early Christians which we now call the Gnostics. To do that, you have to dig into the texts (history) because you wont see any evidence in today’s church save for cries of heresy whenever such a thing is brought up. You have to look at what the heresy hunters had to say about these people in order to know what they were fighting against. It all sounded strange to them because they didn’t understand, they didn’t have that seed of light in them which would grow like a mustard seed. And yet, traditions throughout the world describe a means of reaching an exalted state of being that required no belief, just a few very simple methods for turning the attention inward and which often involved the union of opposites within. Meditation techniques work as well as they do because it is there in such a place of quiet mind that you can begin to glimpse the lightening strike that is the realization of who you really are inside. No two worlds could have been more different though: one was literal and linear and cramped and stuck-up sexually and the other was ecstatic, vibrant and full of inspiration and light where the masculine and the feminine merged in order to form a “ladder” by which your own consciousness could ascend into the heavenly states simply and in a natural organic fashion with those two working together, not against one another. This is the core of the secret, and the mystery of the divine marriage within. The failure of the Orthdoxy was one of awareness, knowledge, and imagination, three elements crucial for navigating the numinous.

When you make the two one, and when you make the inside like the outside and the outside like the inside, and the above like the below, and when you make the male and female one and the same, so that the male not be male nor the female female; and when you fashion eyes in the place of an eye, and a hand in the place of a hand, and a foot in place of a foot, and a likeness in place of a likeness; then you will enter [the kingdom].

The Gospel Of Thomas, James Robinson ed., p. 129

I use the above quote because during what I later learned was a temporary “kundalini flash” a few months before the full rise of the energy, I wrote a piece that contained a passage nearly identical to the quoted passage in Thomas above. I posted it online on a forum. My friend who gave me the meditation technique pointed out how it was similar to Thomas. The only problem was I didn’t know that Thomas even existed. I really didn’t know, and I read it for the first time in the Fall of 2006 online. My jaw dropped to the floor. They were describing an arrangement by which one reaches a state of inner unity where the spark of awakening is kindled. I would later realize that none of this was an accident, and it had unfolded in the way that it had in order for me to realize something very important about earliest Christianity (and my role in it in the Fourth Century). It was known that there was a quality that was like a man and woman, and that they were arranged as if one was on one side of the body and the other on the other side of the body, very much in keeping with how the Hindus described it. This wasn’t an article of faith, but was instead the very thrust of the Gnostics which was they knew. They didn’t need to believe because what they had was the indwelling awareness that made union with the divine possible. And you know what? They were right.

Today as I worked in the studio, I entered into that familiar place I go where ecstacy waits. Nowadays, I don’t have to be deep in meditation, all I have to do is open to it and there it is. I have learned that this state, like the inspired state, is one where I let myself be seduced, to surrender to something higher where I then rest in a state of deep devotion and love as I go about my work. I can listen to a radio show, I can get distracted, I can even get frustrated now and it comes right back. It didn’t used to do that. All of this took time to cultivate, and I have largely done it on my own. No guru, no teacher, but a series of events and people who all had something to teach me as they came and went. Others are also doing this in their own way all across the world as more and more of us continue to awaken all on our own. Ripe. Vibrant. Alive. Awake.

What the Orthodoxy failed to see or grasp was how important our sexuality is spiritually. The reason why it is important is for the same reason why awakening happens in the first place, which is a union of opposites brought together in a rare moment where often there is a roar of sound, a sudden riotous vibration, or a flash of light (as was in my case). When I give myself completely over to this ecstacy, my mind opens like a flower opens and new faculties show themselves. I do not have to have any article of belief, but I know something divine is at work. Yes, there is nothing that compare to it except the orgasmic, but with a difference; it is as if the electrons go into a glorious precession that acts as a waveform that unites my being and in a state like there, wherever I put the beam of my awareness, impossible things begin to happen. I might think of someone and know something I can only know was true only later, or I might peer into the core of matter, or I might gain insight into something that I need to do, this insight being like a vast bundle like how a dream is often untangled or remembered after a night of dreaming. People call this today a “download” and certainly the term is apt because sometimes it can take hours for me to feel the bundle unwind. I often will remember that I had had a dream about this issue years ago, different state of mind are touched on, and none of this process is in the least logical but is driven instead by what I sense is a superconsciousness and intelligence that I rarely possess in my day to day except for when I am in love with the universe and it is in love with me. All of this sounds like what a mad person might say except that as a practical mystic, I have always sought to try and note my experiences, jotting them down when I can, to see if there is any correlation later with something in physical reality. Many times I have seen things there was no way for me to see and known things that had I told a physicist, they would just assume I was lying, that I had read a journal somewhere. I know that this experience, this ecstacy, opens us to our greater potential. And while I really take no joy in writing about it because of how it is often frowned upon because it seems boastful, I only mention it here because doing so is like me shaking your arm and pointing to the phenomenon because I know that it is possible for you to do the same. “What I do you will do also, and you will do even greater things…”

Kundalini has been described as a “libidinous” force, sexual in character, and while this is true, that it sparks sexual energy, that isn’t all that it is. I have found that everything that we have in the body exists first in spirit, that everything we are emerges out of consciousness, not the other way around, and as such, what we think of as sexual energy here on earth, which makes new life, there is a higher dimensional aspect of our sexuality which is connected to our spiritual selves, that part which survives physical death and which exists in all time. It is this aspect, which we call “sacred sexuality” which is, to my mind, nothing more than the spiritual compliment to our sexual selves. It is this part of ourselves that allows us to have union with the divine. And while some will cry heresy, I can tell you that when the moment comes when you do reach union with the divine, it will be that part of you which surrenders like one surrenders to a lover, that will make such a union possible. I can also say that when you do touch the divine, the divine will have zero shame about any of this, unlike ourselves who try to point fingers and try to make a beautiful thing an object of shame. Some of us, it seems, have a lot of growing up to do. This isn’t a mental exercise, but is instead something that encompasses parts of yourself that you may not have even known existed before. Instead of feeling shame, you will come out of that cloud of light renewed, healed, revived. Each time you step into that state, it seems as if some bit of the hard crust falls away and the mind is opened more and the logic centers go quiet because none of this is the domain of the logical. The only thing it can do is to write down what it is that that happened to you, and it will always do so poorly because language exists in the left brain and this experience cannot be contained or compassed by words.

In awakening, it is known that those who are too logical have a very hard time of it. Taisen Deshimoru, the Zen master, who taught in France said in The Ring Of The Way that monks who are “mental” were the ones who had the hardest time with Cosmic Mind. You just can’t get there with the left logical mind. You have to use the part of the brain that specializes in the holistic, the nonlinear, and that is the right brain. In fact, Dr. Taylor came back from her stroke describing the brain in just this way, despite what all of the researchers might want to say (she was there, she saw it happen in motion as a trained researcher in the field). The biggest lesson that I learned was how to stop trying to understand everything logically, to learn how to FEEL (this is not to be confused with emotion—feeling is a capacity that we have like intelligence is a capacity that we have intellectually for example). When I did this, I shifted more into the right brain process and moved into the much larger realm of awareness. The logical mind was never intended to grasp the mysteries of the cosmos. It’s job is to learn how to build a ladder to the stars, not contemplate the meaning that is behind them. It is the feminine in us that alone has the wisdom to open us to ever-larger realms of awareness. And to be clear; the two work best when the feminine is given the room she needs while not being silenced by the left brain. The feminine must now find her voice in all of us. In the process, we will all grow wiser because of it. We might even help stamp out mysogyny and begin to craft a new way to be in the world. The Gnostics had a word for those who had discovered this inner feminine and masculine trait in union: syzygy. Some have referred to it as an androgynous outcome to enlightenment, but I have not seen it this way at all. Instead, I experience it as a highly cooperative and dynamic state where two rely on each other for what it is they themselves do not possess, and which, I will point out, is very similar to what two people fall in love do, which is to admire and even lean upon those opposite traits in their beloved which they do not have. In the process of this that is spiritual and individual, it fuels the outer process as well (how we relate in the world). I know what it is like for a woman to love a man and I also know what it is like for a man to love a woman. My own gnosis has shown me in those moments of ecstacy how it must be or can be if we just learn how to develop or cultivate this form of inner and outer cooperation. I can dream.

The left brain reflects on what is known or what it think it knows. The right brain does not, in my experience, have this facility. Instead, it does the opposite; it looks much more impartially at what is happening in the present. There is a reason why so many, since Buddha first mentioned the power of being fully present, have gone on to write books about the awareness that happens in the present moment. Ram Das wrote “Be Here Now” and Tolle wrote “The Power of Now” and they are both saying the same thing that Buddha said first. This is a right-brained activity, this ability to be in the present. But more: quiet the mind so that you can begin to sense what is beneath all of the mind-chatter. It is there, they all insist, where the greater awareness lies. It is not something that you do, it is something that you are and which your thoughts keep you distracted from perhaps ever finding. The left brain will always be in a prejudiced state, and it is this part of us that seems to be running so much of the show when it comes to awareness. It think it knows, but it is only basing its thoughts on conjecture based on what has happened in the past. To know this new state you must be open to what can be, not what has been. I contend that when you can reach into this silence in yourself you are quieting the mind and that this allows you access to the parts of you which are not wed to time and space. This is the same space that is written about by the Gnostics, the Pleroma, the fullness. We are all related, we are all family, from the largest to the smallest. It is an unimaginably large family, but knowing your place in it will forever alter any sense that you have that you are ever alone or set adrift or singular only. Even in the synoptic gospels Jesus reminds the Pharisees that their scripture did say “ye are gods.” What the Orthodoxy could not imagine was that we all are. Did they just want Jesus to be that beacon of a light on a hill that we all seek to give ourselves to? Was it all just a way to herd the sheep into an ever-tightening space spiritually for control? Or was it just a conspiracy of ignorance, a failure of imagination?

Contained within these two parts of us is all the wisdom and knowing that we need to navigate them. You literally have access to vast amounts of information that is part of what the Gnostics called the Pleroma (Koinē Greek: πλήρωμα, literally “fullness”). It is here that the sacred marriage of takes place. It is firstly within, and can be bolstered by others who are likewise centered and known to themselves. Staring into the awakened can be like staring into the same infinite that one feels within ones own self. This is also where the “deficiency” that the Gnostic Jesus spoke about was resolved. This idea that we are not good enough, this feeling that we are set adrift, sinful, bad, and unloved. All of this is washed away or redeemed in the Pleroma. And Jesus was showing the way.

Even as I say all of this, you cannot get there simply by becoming more aware of what the right brain can do for you. Something else needs to happen, and unfortunately, even the yogis of India, for as good as their systems are for explaining all of this based on numerous observations by monks in the past, cannot explain what happens when we awaken. The energy rises, they say….it is aroused, they say. But by what means, exactly? The Gnostics explain this simply: by becoming one with ones self, to become known to one’s self, and then by going as deeply as one can in silence, you can then touch on that place where the union of the opposites creates the spark that cracks open the wall separating you from a super-conscious state. “Remove what divides you” said the Gnostic Jesus, something I read six months after I had done exactly this very thing which I knew at the time was the first step into self-initiation into the mysteries of the kingdom. Once there, it is a self-sustaining font of energy which gets busy clearing the “knots” of emotion, the samscaras in the Sanscrit, of the stored emotion which is out “baggage.”

It is a quantum leap, but once you reach it, you have it forever. Its power may wax and wane over time afterwards, but its force will purify and clear you so that you can be a vessel for both the divine and who you really are. In many ways it has felt like my whole body became a sensing organ, a body of awareness. Was this new mind tapping into the wisdom of the body? Do all of the neurons scientists have found existing in our organs also provide thinking potential, as vessels for awareness also? I am afraid we don’t know yet, but I have a sinking suspicion that there is a connection whereby what we think of as the brain extends itself in awakening to include the body, and expresses its twin character of like-male and like-female qualities of what the Gnostics called “the left and the right.” When I say all of this I also know that awakening itself is a fairly simple thing, but it can take years to get there. It seems you have to want it badly enough, because who else could stick with its relentlessness, its intelligence, long enough to allow the changes to take place that makes a broader awakening possible?

Achieving this state could be done through years and years of preparation. What I know is that it is possible for it to happen much faster than that. I would suggest that you don’t do that, though, since getting yourself ready for it can be of immense importance. It is true as many in India have suggested, that this is in all truth, a more deeply fundamental state which is less something that you reach for but is instead something that you already are. It seems to be activated, but it is more like waking up to what you already are. It is your get out of jail free card. I ask; are you really ready to be that free?

photo of a stack of books

I am currently working on a manuscript about awakening and the experience of the transcendent. While a part of the book will involve my experience, I am wanting to reach out to others who have had experiences involving transcendent states in the hope of building a base for illustrating how these states are being experienced in our current time. What I would like to have are others’ perspectives and experiences in order to broaden the discussion in certain portions of the project. The book is part look into earliest Christianity and another part look at other traditions. A religious belief is not a requirement nor is it a detriment, as both sides will be welcome.

While it would be helpful to be able to use your name, this is not necessary for contributing to this project. I will have a survey and some focused questions to direct discussion initially, but I am open to your own observations in your own words. I also will be able to provide you with more details on what the book will be about with greater detail to the degree that I can at this early stage (there is a lot of research still ongoing, so what is found will also help to form the content of the book).

If you are interested in contributing to this project, or know someone who you think might be, feel free to share this post with them. You can contact me, Parker, at info@staffordartglass.com.

Bests,

Parker Stafford

Shaktipot or Shaktipata is the process by which a teacher aids the student in stepping over the last barrier that divides them from an ordinary state of being and the expansion of consciousness that takes place with kundalini. If used incorrectly, it can awaken students who are not yet ready and it can cause problems. It can also not “take” because the student is not sufficiently prepared. However, it is possible to use it correctly when the teacher has a discerning mind to aid the person to step over that last barrier.

The great yogi and teacher Swami Rama speaks to this issue in a way that I think is one of the more enlightened and balanced ways of any teacher I have ever had the chance to listen to speak. Swami Rama also has many other teachings which have been recorded and are available online to watch. I have found that his approach has been the most sound and the most balanced.

For example, he points out that kundalini is not a goddess only, but is instead a fusion of the opposites of those qualities which we consider to be masculine and feminine within our consciousness. This is important to understand if you wish to understand what is at work with kundalini. Most say it is a goddess. If you know why that is, you might understand how “masculine” we are in our thinking and being. This in no way takes away from the experience the importance of the feminine, but it helps to show how kundalini is itself an act and phenomenon that seeks balance. I will say that what we term the feminine aspect in all of our consciousness (men and women both) is normally dormant, and it has as much to do with the “cosmic egg” resting at the base of the spine as it does with the two hemispheres of the brain.

For anyone who has experienced awakening you may have felt how a very feminine quality has suddenly come online. Have you ever considered why this is so? Could it be that as a culture and a species that we have favored the rational, linear and logical parts (and thus “masculine”) of ourselves more than the nonlinear, holistic, emotional (and thus “feminine”) aspects of ourselves? I consider kundalini to be a way whereby the two powers of mind are now brought into a unity, which then leads to the generation of a “new” mind which we call cosmic consciousness. If you take one away, the wave of awareness collapses. Both are necessary to produce this kind of mind I call the Meta Mind. It also shows us in our own lives how all of life matters, how all people matter. If we lose sight of this kundalini becames one-sided and our minds become one-sided, too. I know that I digress a bit, but sometimes these small points are important for helping iron out confusion.

Kundalini will clear the self of blocked emotion, and this is itself the imperative that kundalini has, which is to bring the person to greater balance, not drama or intensity or just “cosmic” experiences. For a time it feels dramatic as the kundalini is clearing out the blocks, but once this is done the energy settles down. The ancients describe how it becomes smooth. No ripples, no disturbances.

As a result, there is an entire generation of awakened people who have gotten used to its “intensity” when in fact it is kundalini doing what it does in the early stages of the process. The endgame is peace. The problem is that people can get stuck on the intensity and not let kundalini do its work. They like the intensity, the drama, the strong emotions that it brings up all without realizing that this emotion is the poison leaving the system. So to say that kundalini is one or the other misses the point and can leave you “one-sided” in your awareness. Yes, it connects us to higher order energies and those energies include what we think of as divine feminine and masculine….but so too does it connect us to other energies in consciousness that are just as beneficial to us.

Swami Rama’s teachings have been the most consistent in how it goes beyond any agenda. These kinds of teachers often are not as interesting to people who want something dramatic, but he is a teacher who has gotten beyond many of the conceits that often plague non-dual teachers. These conceits as I call them, often result in distortions of awareness and become an article of belief (which stills further investigation). As a result, these teachers repeat teachings that can only go so far and are not born out in more final or complete results. What do you think the result is when you have a teacher who does not know the true nature of self? Ideas like the self is an illusion, that all of life and reality are illusory, not real. While it is true that we are constantly judging or filtering what we see in the world, that alone is not what makes our world illusory. It is possible to see into the core of physical reality to see how it is composed. When I did that, it wasn’t that the world was an illusion but rather that it was a creation that was creating the appearance of solid matter from a source of great energy and purpose.

This is one example of how these teachers, no matter how much acclaim that they get from their followers, have missed important realities of the self and how it relates to cosmic consciousness. But who would know if the teacher him or herself does not know?

The teacher teaches something that is based on his or her own lack of understanding and awareness and this gets handed down and gets passed around to all of the other students, and it get repeated until everyone takes it as an article of faith. What do you think that person’s capacity for discernment might be under such a situation as this? But it gets worse; teacher after teacher then goes on repeating the same ideas and it seems to others who study their teachings that it must be, and the pattern only gets more deeply impressed on the community at large. If you say an untruth enough times it has a way of being accepted as truth and no one bothers to question it.

In my own experience I have seen that we take on selves and identities as an important part in our learning process. At no point have I ever seen self as false but instead as part of the process of becoming. But do not mistake the expansion of consciousness that comes with awakening to mean that the self is somehow false, it is simply part of a much larger story of how varied our consciousness is. We can experience both feeling separate as well as one. Both. They are not mutually exclusive. Why would they be? You come from the infinite and you have divided part of yourself to fit into this body, one chapter in a host of chapters called lifetimes. And despite how the self is decried as false, there is not a single one of these teachers who have shown how they can remove it with a waive of their own awareness. If it is an illusion, then why not pierce that illusion once and for all? Not a one. And so this is telling, the elephant in the room. Hopefully that elephant is Ganesh, the remover of obstacles, lol! Rama has much to say about ego, not as something to kill off, but to master. He even touches on this in the short but revealing video below.

So Rama is unique in the field. His teachings continue to show a great deal of awareness on a host of fronts. I am not one who “follows” a teacher, but what I have seen in his work has been a considerable level of insight. Yes, it is because without a teacher I have seen how his teachings have aligned with my direct experience.

How do I know that I myself am not buying into a belief? My earliest memory in this life was of choosing my parents. This was before I had a body. If ego is false and identity is false, how did I manage to have a sense of self at that point? Further, how did I recall numerous past lives? Given my level of recall (including two lost languages and historical accounts to back up some of my memories) I see the chance of simply “imagining” these things hard to square with Occams Razor.

I invite you to watch what he has to say about what a teacher can do for the student when it is done correctly…

I don’t see anyone mentioning this so I will call out the elephant in the room. I have been seeing it since awakening made its rise and it is this; there are two ego’s. I noticed when I felt myself drop off the deep end of the pool of consciousness that there was this tightly focused awareness of self and then there was another form of ego, a kind of “superego” which was just the opposite of its counterpart. This form of ego was more broad, seemed much more mature, and unlike the small ego, which was like a genie in a bottle in its own cramped space, not much bothered this larger ego. It also felt more mature, more emotionally capable, and it could glimpse the larger things without being bowled over. Two egos? But who talks about there being two egos?

Concurrent with this awareness was also the awareness that the powers of the mind, more specifically the brain, were now more obvious to me. I felt the force of awareness of each part of this awakened consciousness in my body: I felt a concrete, linear, rational feeling energy on the right side of my body. I referred to it as “the man.” On the left side of my body I felt something completely different. I felt a presence in the energy in my body that was fluid, nonlinear, holistic, and emotionally intelligent. I began referring to this as “the woman.” It felt like a classic yin-yang situation. I felt this all the time, it was as if a bright light was shown down into my consciousness and into my physiology to highlight a quality I had not paid that much attention to. This was before I even knew what on earth had happened to me. i didn’t know that this was even called kundalini. I worried for a bit that I might have something wrong with me, like a brain tumor or something. Luckily, this concern didn’t last for long, but the awareness of how different everything was at that crossing over period in my life helped to provide clues into the nature of this phenomenon.

In those early days, I was free to simply observe. I noticed that whatever this thing was, it had an automatic quality to it. What I mean is that I was aware that I was caught up in a force that was now moving me along with or without my direct participation. There were concerns of possession, I will admit this was true…but this was also short-lived, thankfully. I was curious, eager to understand what on earth was happening to me. It was as if I had somehow crossed over some line of psychological inertia whereby I now had developed some kind of force in consciousness that was now running on automatic. One of these forces in the eddies and flows of my day to day was how I noticed how these two forces, the “man” and “woman” were beginning to merge together in a kind of union. I didn’t just feel this as a force in consciousness but I could feel it as a force in my body. My left and right side of my body had twin forces running in them that were now beginning to merge in the center line of my body, right along what felt was my spine. When they did this, it was when I wasn’t holding them back. They just did this naturally. It was a new novel effect I had never experienced before. When they merged together I would go into ecstasy. Imagine my surprise. It felt orgasmic and it felt like two forces were making love inside my consciousness.Instead of physical sex, this was a higher order version of what I knew in the physical. It felt extra-dimensional, tied to here and now but took me entirely out of it all at the same time. It was in these states where I felt a new consciousness emerge, it felt like another order of magnitude beyond what I had known. It also shared qualities with states I had known before all of this took place. Inspiration was one of them. As an artist, I had brushed up against this state before, it was the firestone that all artists seek and find it oddly elusive sometimes. Artists “seek” inspiration…..and we do whatever we can to find it, since it is the fuel that helps to bring forth new creations. In my new state I saw how two forces in my body and mind were merging to create a new synthesis, a new mind…..the Metamind. This fueled intense creative output and also personal transformation that was natural and happened automatically while at the same time to the degree that I allowed it to happen.

This Metamind was like turning a cosmic key in a cosmic lock. Each unlocked each other and fueled a new form of awareness. When this happened, I felt like I could also unlock knowing about just about anything. I had a lot of trouble with this notion at first. One side of my mind knew that what was happening was correct and completely on the mark while the other was skeptical. As time wore on, these experiences began to pile up. I took notes hoping to make sense of what was happening to me. Part of it felt impossible, another part said. “not so fast….hold on….watch….just you watch….” Over time, years, in fact, I would find that many of these experiences where I felt like I was reading the “secrets” of the universe had an odd habit of showing up in other writings. If I was trained on something in physics, there were theories that spelled out a large part of what I had seen earlier. How was this even possible?

All through this was the awareness that there was this left and right side in my body and awareness that was involved. I felt two kinds of awareness of self, two ego’s. I knew this was the case only because I felt it in such an obvious way. I began to consider that what I was experiencing was based in my physiology. I considered that these twins were connected to the two brains that we each have, two hemispheres that develop along two different lines to form the processing engine that we call the brain. We think of it as a whole, but there are two joined by a large cluster of nerve fibers called the corpus callosum. Was what I was feeling on the right side of my body, this flowing nonlinear form of my consciousness which I called the “woman” commensurate with the left hemisphere? Was this solid, concrete, and rational feeling part on my right side, the “man” the left hemisphere both reflecting themselves in a brighter or more obvious way in my awareness and my physiology? What’s more, when these two merged together, they created what I called back then “the child” and this, I would later discover was what the ancients called cosmic consciousness. My first realization that other people knew and wrote about this state was when I read the gnostic texts of early Christianity. It was an epiphany, a welcomed one, in which I finally realized that yes, there were people who had experienced this and I wasn’t just going around the bend. They spoke of the “left and the right” in a curiously similar way as I had experienced it. They spoke of the place of union within us, the bridal chamber, where the two become one. Somewhere, though, in the centuries that followed, this knowledge was lost, along with the keys to how to unlock it as the power of the tide of Orthodoxy took over the Christian world. That, though, is another story best saved for another time.

Was much of this being fueled by the fact that we have two brains? Was this man and woman the two hemispheres and how differently they develop in order to handle the broad range of possibility that we each have in consciousness? I sensed that this was entirely on the mark and I wondered if there was anyone out there who had done any work in the world of neuroanatomy that might provide clues. I didn’t have to look very far. I found a TED Talk by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor who described how she had a stroke in the left brain one morning while getting ready for work. Having her left hemisphere shut down through hemorrhaging in her brain meant that the right brain was now running the show (mostly). What she experienced was very telling. She came away with the clear sense that she had begun to experience samadhi, which is the bliss that is encountered when we experience cosmic consciousness. She further described how she observed that it was the left brain that was like a linear processor while the right brain was a parallel processor, able to handle vast flows of information all at once. It was her right brain that provided her with the awareness of how everything is connected, a common awareness of nonduality and cosmic consciousness.

I was aware that how we use our brains that the left brain acts as if it is running the show. I saw this as common to all people of the earth, it was just how we have all developed, a tendency that has been in place for a very long time. What happens when you shut down that part of your mind so that your other mind can begin to express itself? Much like how women have been sidelined in our world, there was a microcosm of this happening inside each one of us. Was the left masculine serving to hold back the flood-tide of awareness that we think of as the feminine side of our consciousness? A few years later I remember reading a paper about how scientists had found that the left brain served as a brake against the right brain. Bingo. So the process of enlightenment was in large part an effort to quiet the mind so that the left brain, which deals with language and process based tasks and linear logic, is not as active. And as often happens when we are lucky, the right brain hums to life as its own capacities are felt perhaps for the first time in a meaningful and substantive way.

Is it any wonder, then, that the Hindu describe kundalini as “kundalinishakti”? Is it any wonder that in Hindu iconography this new form of being is illustrated as a man and woman split down the middle? It was all the same thing I had been experiencing, too, with the man and woman, and the birth of a new form of mind which I called the child. The early Christians called it Christ and at least at one time people were learning how to BE Christs. Similarly, there are other cultures that also describe this same phenomenon, all using their own cultural lenses with which to understand it.

In my experience, I kept receiving the admonishment not to read about what I was experiencing. I know this may sound strange at first, but this is just what happened. Except for nibbling around the edges of this topic and wanting very much to understand what had happened to me, there was this still voice within that told me to pay attention, to watch and observe it directly without seeing what others had to say about it. Only after a number of years after I had uncovered these early Christian texts on the subject did the voice within say it was okay to begin researching more widely. This was itself part of my own inner development and was part of a task which was part of a very long story that had to do with other lifetimes (involving how early texts were hidden away from view and from those who might destroy them). But as I began to search more widely, I found that so much of the literature is speaking to this left/right paradigm in fueling cosmic consciousness. For as new as it may seem to many of us, this has been something that has been experienced by many people down through time. Many wrote about it and when you understand the phenomenon well enough yourself, you can pick them out quite easily. Plato created a myth about the separation of the sexes where we once were both male and female, an echo of this primordial awareness of the two-in-one that we each are inside. And perhaps it is because of this twin nature that we each have that we have been so fascinated with the Other, the opposite polarity of our own sex (not for all, but for many of us), keeping us always seeking that other “part” of ourselves with which we are less acquainted with.

I found in my own development that there was a point where the left brained awareness of ego was beginning to become a problem. I had experienced the oft-described “contractions” of consciousness that is tied to the ego-mind. I saw how it was a literal bottle-neck in my awareness, and as time went on, the forces of a larger awareness began to push hard against how centrally installed this “little” ego awareness was in my consciousness. After a period of about two years, I kept coming up against a solid and hard resistance within myself that felt instinctive and hard to work with. What gives? Over time, and during an extended dark night of the soul that lasted about five very intense months, I found that I reached a point where the force of awakening finally disengaged this little ego from its front and center arrangement in my consciousness. This took time and happened through repeated rises of the energy which would come for me, bowling me over each time. I described it was feeling like the energy had become a 600 lb gorilla that would glower in the corner of the room, launching itself onto me until it wrestled me to the ground. Each time, I would resist this force, not even aware why I was even doing so. I was embarrassed; I was about as unsurrendered a person as there could be. Why was I resisting so much? Why couldn’t I just let go? It was what I knew, what I was familiar with. It was how I was raised. It was how everyone who I knew was. This thing, this mad gorilla, was trying to break me and turn me into something else.

Slowly, in steps, each time our gorilla came for me, I slowly softened. Maybe it was only after feeling like I had just been attacked and pinned did I finally cry uncle. But at the end of each of these “attacks” I began to see how the face of this force would completely change to my mind. Instead of being a threat, it became a bubbling and effusive force that would look out through its mysterious eyes and smile at me, still very much lying on top of me, but looking at me now with wonder and joy as I was also feeling the same. So it was in this way that I gave up the small ego. It was done piecemeal. I gradually got the memo and began to welcome the wrestling matches that would take place in silence. Eventually, I no longer even got attacked. It never was an attack. I was just seeing it all the wrong way. Over this time period, I learned that all I needed to do was to allow this new force in awareness to simply be. All of this was like one long tutorial, taught over and over until I learned to let go. And the day came, a very definite moment, when I finally got it. When I did, a curious thing happened; all thoughts ceased and it was like I had punched through a layer of atmosphere that was dense and I was free. I felt for the first time an enduring silence in the mind. With it came a peace and a presence. I had felt both of these things before, in fact I had felt them hundreds, perhaps thousands of times right from the beginning of awakening, but I always did so as a visitor. I could visit those places but my old habituated consciousness would win over in the end, sending me back to where I had been before. Awake, full of energy, intense and alive, but still in an old mode of being all at the same time. This was a process.

What took place once this silence emerged or was given space to exist in a more consistent way, was itself a bit of a challenge. I still had to be in the world and use old modes of focus just to get through my day in a way that would keep me anchored in my physical life. I learned to balance and to use different modes of consciousness like a child would learn to use its body to walk or to learn to talk. I felt like I was learning how to be a new human all over again. I found that I could be very forgetful. I might forget from one moment to the next what I had only moments before been thinking about. While this might not seem strange to you, this was happening all the time to me. I would go through self-checkout at the market and forget that I had just seconds before gotten cash back from the machine. It was left, a twenty dollar bill spit out by the machine, for the next person in line to notice it was there. But at the same time it was this lack of focus that also allowed me access to a field of being that was remarkable and felt like freedom. This process of learning to balance these tow states was itself gradual as I felt my way around things. What I found so hard to believe was how events would conspire to keep me in the flow of things. I had trouble focusing, I would forget about meetings, but they always worked out. Someone would call to cancel because something came up, or something else in my life would put me at just the right place at just the right time. It all looked so accidental and purposeful all at once. It is hard to explain how many times I had blanked on something only to have things work out perfectly. After a while it was hard to see how this was all working just by accident. It felt and looked like there was some force alive in the physical, a kind of conscious thread whose material I was unaware of being there that would look out after me as I floated in a kind of inner space of the numinous, as if time itself had been cancelled and I simply was there….unthinking, unable sometimes to think in the old way sometimes unable to navigate in the old ways that I had before. Someone might call out of the blue asking for an appointment at the studio minutes before I realized, I already had an appointment that was going to happen in minutes. Yes, I began to rely heavily on my calendar on my phone to write it all down to prompt me, but even this was hard to do sometimes because of how quickly I would shift into no-time and no-thought. I know that this all sounds hard to imagine, but it was my world for a good while. And yet everything worked out. I hardly ever wound up in a situation where I was able to completely forget something, not without the poking and prodding from the universe itself. It was like tumbling and falling from a great height only to land always on my feet. No one caught on to just how “out there” I was. Krishnamurti described this as his “declutched” state where he could not access normal thought and often felt lost in this new state of mind. It is a necessary step along the way to reaching a larger synthesis of mind and being where nothing is set aside, discounted or left behind. This is the path to being a fuller being here on earth and we have been wrestling with this for a long time. This relates, I think, to how we can develop these two powers of mid and learn organically how to balance the two, which is itself a process we call embodiment.

All through this, though, was the awareness of the two focuses in my mind, my brain. I had this incredibly large and diffuse awareness of ego that I sensed was from the right brain while there was this incredibly cramped quarters of the ego that was in my left brain. When I entered into that left-brained ego, it was like putting on blinders. I seemed to see everything in such microscopic detail that I completely lost the wave of cosmic mind. On the other hand, when I was so “out there” with my right-brained ego, I was swimming in a vast sea.

I have come to see these two forms of awareness and focus to be just that, two focuses. My job has been to marry them, not toss them out completely. The next stage has been to marry them so that there is no difference between the two. I see them as being like two parts of a cone of being; one side of the cone comes to a point for laser-like focus, and then its expands outward to where its widest point becomes the narrowest point of the other focus or hemisphere, the right brain. From there, this cone expands outward, perhaps to infinity. It doesn’t have the laser focus and relies on that part of the brain to make sense of some of what it is seeing and experiencing. But in the same way, the left brain is completely unable to grasp the larger more broader realm that the right brain seem so adept at. One is a particle, one is a wave. One is masculine, one is feminine. Neither can do much alone, both achieve a new synthesis when brought into harmony with the other.

So all of this talk of the ego being an illusion is to me beside the point. So many who want to say that it isn’t real and for us to just chuck it out. I find all of it hilarious and sad. This is the left brain at work. It sounds pretty impressive, after all, so many teachers have prescribed doing this for ages. But all of them have been men and when I hear those men talk I hear a voice that shows no sign of being all that aware of the bigger picture that the inner “feminine” brings to all of us, regardless of our physical sex. The way that they explain it, describe it, it is all very logic-driven and it also lacks substance in the bigger picture. There is talk of “who is the “I” that is experiencing this?” It is all to me like one big tail-chasing game. The “I” is here for a purpose, use it and understand it better, then perhaps you will see that this is not merely an anomaly. When I see these men speaking about this “I” that is pure illusion, I also find that most of them have not had a single experience with a past life. In fact, the reality of a past life itself would disprove such notions as severely limited because it shows how the “I” persists from lifetime to lifetime and that while we are the universe, we are also given awareness of the “I” in order to allow us to look out with our own perspective and turn of mind on that universe, the all. And why would these need to be contradictory or mutually exclusive? There is the doer and there is the knower. There is the part that is at rest and the part that changes and transforms and works with the stuff of this world in order to work through its own stuff. To me, this talk of no “I” is a clever way of bypassing the work that you are here to do. And who knows, really, perhaps resting on the cosmic sandbar of the belief in no “I” might be a necessary step in people’s evolution before stepping out into the great ocean of consciousness where both I and All are commensurate with one another, a paradox to be embraced, two focuses to be fused into a new Metamind of great wisdom and understanding….compassion, even.

A while back I wrote this piece called, “I Cannot Ride That Neoadvaita Train” in which I linked to a wonderful video of a woman in India who pointed out how useless it is to try and make the kinds of distinctions so many teachers, all male, make about this issue with the “I.” I found it incredibly refreshing and meshing with my experience through all of this. Why toss it out, why not work with it? Please show me a single person who has gotten ride of ego. Name me one. I will wait. “That is because of how pernicious our consciousness is in the production of a false-self!” they explain. But perhaps it is only because we have always had this “I” because it serves a unique purpose here in our development. Is it all that there is? No. It is a part. But we are a whole of parts working as one and yet we are still also those parts. Small ego, big ego, emotional self, mental or intellectual self, the body, the light body, all make up the “koshas” which are aspects of our whole being. All can be seen as parts by the rational mind, but they all work together as a whole. And isn’t every single atom in the universe like this? Each goes to make up larger parts than themselves, creating or adding to what we see as the seemingly infinite physical cosmos where galaxies swirl in the distant reaches of space? And yet, we also know and can sense how all of this is also connected, delicately wedded together in a masterful creation that isn’t just our desire to project upon it or to imagine that it is so, but that it offers up its secrets to reveal how complex and amazing all of creation is in how it is indeed connected and engaged in a cooperative experiment that is our world. And this world is all energy, and all of this is itself a play of how energy recreates a world some call illusion but that my wise inner feminine knows is creation. It is creation because at every point we see these sacred-two at work inside the atom as “matched pairs” as the physicists theorize, as the opposites which are present at every dimensional level of our existence from small to large. This is also at work in your body in your two brains and it also informs your relationships, especially the intimate ones. Why do we accept it as fact in our world but a fallacy in our consciousness? Is consciousness itself not energy, too?

Further, without seeing the usefulness and need for the “I” I insist that it may not even be possible to get to the place where you can supercede your own local awareness to get to that place where you can see all of this for what it is. Yes, there have been great teachers, but they were all human, and while they all climbed great mountains within themselves, they only climbed so far. They seemed to have gone far by normal standards, but there is much more beyond what they might have thought were the highest heights that still remains to be mastered. I am reminded of how the earliest memory tied to my life today was how I came to choose my parents. I wasn’t physical yet. It is perhaps one of the greatest gifts I gave myself, which was the ability to remember this event. I was a point of awareness that had no physical body. I was buoyant and free, floating above the Ponderosa pines that were planted in near rows like a cathedral there in Northern Florida. I saw the two people who would be my parents lying on a blanket on the forest floor. This memory is the most vivid and crisp of any memory that I have to date. It exists, it seems, both in my brain and in my mind, something recalled from the past and from before my body was itself alive. It is one of many proofs that the “I” is no illusion or some kind of mistake in our cognition. It is not some aberration, but is instead a very natural part of consciousness despite what form that consciousness might take. While I was given proofs like this, it seems that the world of others are waiting for the day when this comes into view for them.

This “I” is composed of two ends of a very larger, perhaps infinite spectrum of awareness that we call ego. One is ego and one is superego. It is the same part of ego that teachers have pointed out are the parts of us that continue to exist even when we reach such lofty states as cosmic mind. Taisen Deshimaru the Zen master pointed out that as we touch cosmic mind that there is still a higher order form of “I” that is always there. There is always the awareness of self through all of this, even when swimming in this sea of the All, there is always the self.

Swami Rama who was a man who developed a high level of consciousness has explained that without ego you would be forced to feel and experience everything in your local environment like a giant rush of water. Your senses would be swept away as your nonlocal consciousness would be aware of everything taking place around you from the atoms in the air to your neighbor stubbing their toe. The ego, he explained, serves as an important filter that you need while in the body. His many talks have been preserved on Youtube where you can find them. I found in his talks the awareness of how useless it is to try and rid oneself of ego, but to learn how to work with it differently, in what I consider a more natural and organic way. His life itself is a fascinating one and it is all preserved online if you wish to look.

As I walked up the road at dusk in 2008 on May 17th, I found myself suddenly without that filter, or without much of it in place. In that instant I was aware of every single thing down to the smallest detail from the mist in the field, the leaves on the trees, to the eddies in the water flowing in the creek below. What’s more, I was aware of the atoms in the stones and the life swimming in that creek. It had the effect of unbalancing me, making me feel like the water from a fire hose was flowing through a garden hose. It taught me one thing and initiated another; I needed the ego but I needed a new awareness of what ego can do for us as physical creatures here on earth. Ego was part of it, but it is not the whole story.

Ego can make us feel very small, but it can also show us how to be larger, how to grow, and a better way to be. The way we are now in general as a species reflects mostly the small ego, and this is a problem if you want to know more. There waits for you a new synthesis of mind that is as much about the spin of electrons as it does the duality and unity of the self. It is all-in-one in my experience, and it waits for everyone for when they get to that place. Kundalini is not a goddess, it is a fusion of our polarities. That alone is what lends potency to the experience, for those two poles are each powerless without the other because they are two-in-one. It is the addition of the right brain, that expansive side of us, the feminine goddess side, that seems to activate kundalini. It is only this way because we are only using one side up until that time comes when kundalini activates. yes there seems to be the addition of “her” but it is in her union with her compliment that moves the cosmic force we call kundalini so that our energy body is transformed. We need both sides of the brain to make full sense of this. And yes, it is the feminine aspect in consciousness that is the larger more expansive one, but what she lacks, the more masculine part has. The masculine has made itself small so it can show to the feminine side that which it needs in order to create. She alone cannot do it no matter how hard she tries. Nor can the masculine, either. He might think that he can, but it always winds up dry and lifeless, like those men who talk about ego and about a great may other things that hold people in the hypnosis of the trap of rational thought. You need both. The two walk hand in hand, and the more aware you are of this, the more aware you are of your fuller nature as a being on this earth. Yes, you can leave ego alone and experience something majestic. You can learn to leave it alone so that you are not a slave to it. This is not the same as destroying ego. You remove the dependence upon that part of you that is ego. It can become like one tool in a toolbox, one tool among many. Pull it out when you need to, use it, it can be very useful and even helpful for some things, but a screw driver does not do the job of a wrench. Ego, then, is like the screw driver that is constantly being pulled out of the toolbox each time. You can let it be, you can use a wrench instead. And when you do use the ego, you have two parts to it that correspond to how each of the hemispheres of the brain have developed seemingly separately but are made to work together to help form a new synthesis of mind. Two ego forms can merge and work together peacefully and in context with a larger whole. All ego death is, is losing the reliance on ego. Ego does not go forever away. You must learn to work with it but not be its slave, that is all.

This is the next interview in a series that I have been conducting with individuals who have had kundalini awakenings. I have a battery of questions, all the same, to hopefully form a baseline for understanding awakening. While the questions are the same, what makes these interviews so interesting are the variety of responses provided for the same set of queries. In some cases, there is overlap from one interview to the other while also having divergence from one another. All of this is a rich bed of observation that I hope will help others in their own awakening experience, as well as to inform those who are interested in the topic but who may not have had experience with this “cosmic light switch” yet.

My thanks to Kayla and all of the others who have chosen to participate. Each interview is given its own page on the blog so it is readily accessible at the top of the blog when you visit directly at https://wakingtheinfinite.wordpress.com

Additionally, I would like to invite anyone who is interested in telling their story to contact me and I will happily include your answers along the growing list of participants. You can be anonymous if you prefer, but in every case each interview is with a real honest to goodness person. So far I have had two people from the U.S., two from the U.K. and another from an E.U. member state.

My hope is that the questions serve as a way to organize discussion but hopefully can be open-ended enough for you to have your say. In some cases, answers can prompt a few more questions from me, but I try to keep those limited. In addition, you are welcome to include links to websites or blogs that you are involved with so others can read or interact with you. My sincere desire with this is to spread the word and increase our knowledge base at a fascinating time in our history when awakenings are on the rise. You may contact me at info@staffordartglass.com.

With that, the interview follows.


  1. What was your spiritual background before awakening?

In retrospective, I acknowledge that I had an affinity and sense for supernatural things since early childhood. Around the age of three, I once woke up from a nap and a “ghost” or other dimensional being was standing very close to me and stared at me. Due to my infantile innocence, I was not scared of this being and so I tried to touch it. It was then that this creature freaked out and hissed at me before vanishing into thin air. I could also see colourful landscapes when lying in the dark. I experienced them so vividly that I was even scared to get up due to my fear of stumbling over roots and plants.

Growing up and getting conditioned made me lose these senses… but I was always drawn to religious/spiritual themes, I used to pray every evening.

2. Do you know if you did anything to trigger your awakening?

Oh yes, I did. But with no intention other than to finally know the truth of our existence. I had a time were I was obsessed with reading through any material known handling ancient occult/esoteric knowledge. I guess the kick off for that was when I started a two-year education in screenwriting. My chosen topic for my script: A story about a person with multiple personality disorder. As multiple personality disorder is often associated with ritual abuse, research led me to themes like occultism, mind control etc. etc. etc.

From there on, I was madly driven by the question of what is going on on our planet behind the scenes, what is kept hidden from us and why?! What is the meaning of life? For a long period, this sent me down deep and endlessly deeper down the rabbit hole. It was dark there… it freaked me out what I was digging up… Too much darkness, so many secrets… until I realized that were there is so much darkness, there also has to be the same amount of light. This did not make me stop to look for the answers but at least I was turning to the light, to the hopeful view of all these secrets.

Simultaneously learning a lot in education: Parallels of Spirituality and telling a good story became obvious. It is all about the journey, the losing yourself, nearly dying, the coming back as a different person… when you understand the covered longing of mankind it is then when you are able to tell stories that hit that deep spot and therefore move someone’s heart.

3. What was your initial awakening experience like?

I divide my Awakening into two. First, there was a conscious awakening. It was at my lowest point, still in the middle of my relentless quest for truth. It was then that I had a spiritual awakening – a psychiatrist would label it as a psychotic episode but I now know better. I was aware that my awareness shifted and which part of the experience is kind of delusional. But what I came to realize in this very moment was that if I want to keep a sane mind, I have to let go of all the fear!!!! Or better said: It “made” me get rid of a lot of long held, deeply rooted, universal fears in just one instant. From there on, I was a different “me”. The rug had been pulled under my feet and I was falling. Falling, until I was not scared anymore of falling.

At a certain point, I kind of hit a dead end with gathering “outside” knowledge. Time and again, I read the firm advice of experienced people that you have to turn inside as you will not find your answers in the outside. Numbed down, I surrendered and had to try the only way I haven’t pursued so far: started to meditate in December 2016. Expanding duration to up to 4 hours a day as I enjoyed it more and more.

From there on, slowly the other Awakening started to show its signs. Initially, I was having some kind of a rumbling experience in my pelvis and lower back area. Something, one could be freaked out about, but I felt intuitively that this is a good sign.

Following: sudden idea of attending Yoga Teacher Training. Waiting list – somebody cancelled – I am in.

With TT starting in April 2017, speeding up of process to the point where I had this intense experience in a class: 

Our teacher was reading a Buddhist text to us when I felt the strong urge to just shut my eyes and listen quietly. Then, like out of the blue, the inner layer of my lower belly area seemed to loosen grip to the gross body, became very light and kind of swirled up to my head.

I became incredibly light and the energy went out my crown… but leaving me with fast thoughts about what now… Should I just let it happen – but how will I react in the middle of the class?!? I thought about quickly leaving the room, locking me up in the bathroom in order to let it play out… but that wasn’t a very intelligent option either, of course.

 So, I forced myself to open the eyes, pulling the energy back down as good as I could… and then, right after that intense moment, we chanted an OM all together and the sound vibrated literally through my body. It was not separate from me anymore…

 As the energy stayed very high that whole day, I felt like just getting through the day and then sit down quietly in the evening and let it finally happen. As high as the energy was, I thought that would be easy. But, of course, when I tried in the evening, nothing happened.

 (Maybe… that was luck. As I then had the chance to do it more slowly and more in control.)

The next nearly two weeks were very intense, especially, because I felt a bit like those superheroes in the movies – but the worrying part: I just did not know how to manage these high energies! I literally worried, that when in public and being involved in a slightly emotional encounter yet, my energies could just burst out of my body uncontrollably.

What strikes me the most about all of this: Even though I was obsessed with Spiritual topics for nearly two years, I never stumbled over the term Kundalini before experiencing it myself. Considering the vast amount of literature I digested and how prominent this topic in the Spiritual community is… this is quite surprising.

Further symptoms during that time which had positive and negative aspects, not always possible to match it to one or the other:

 – Feeling very light, all the energy wanted to constantly go up. Even my hair was kind of fluffy like when electrically charged. Gave a nice feeling of lightness and inconvenient things like pain in the body were just gone. But it made me also feel very unstable, like a wind could just blow me away.


– Senses like hearing and smelling incredibly heightened.

– Concrete experience of the magnetic vortexes in the body and how energy moves around them, tightening, loosening the grip in constant change.

– When laying on the floor, able to somehow melt into the ground.

– Involuntary body movements, especially in the neck which helped me to lose tension as energy could find its way through.

– Sudden insights like: It is all there to wake us up! A beautiful piece of music, enjoying art, that moving moment in a film, an honest hug… if only we were able to surrender to what is beautiful. It would not have to be the hard way… suffering only creeps in because we better surrender when hitting rock bottom… Seems as it has its purpose… If we cry when we are hurt then when we see beauty – so be it. Time takes its toll on that and every hardening makes it more difficult to find that soft spot of the surrender. 

– Sensing other people much more, seeing misalignments in the body very clear.

– A glass and even a knife broke after holding them in my hands and putting them aside.

– Realizing, that when not having the knowledge about these energies, it can be quite dangerous. Nighttime worried me especially because I had even less control over what is happening there.

 After two weeks, finally addressed the issue to my Yoga teacher. His advice and the assurance of somebody taking me serious in that crucial moment, helped me to slowly ground again.

Two weeks later, I was kind of stable but the fast way into meditation was laid and stayed with me.

Since that incident, lots of things and work going on in different layers of the body/mind followed but sometimes, it is a lot to take and it is a constant tearing between the feelings.

– The strong movements of the energy can make you crazy but when silent, I miss “her”…

– Character changes come like gifts but on the other hand, demand a lot of work which means: I have to do it now or I pay with enormous tensions. Have to sit down. Have to do the work.

– Knowing, just knowing what to do. Not being afraid of certain things happening. Things that in a “normal” state would have freaked me out. On the other hand, feeling utter despair for always having to know on my own. 

– Much more able to just trust and let things happen, evolve, develop in time while on the other hand being much more upset about things that are out of my influence and therefore the “me” being forced to accept it.

– Losing the grip of the ego more and more while standing clearly in the “I“. No longer having patience for attacks of any level of severity against me that have nothing to do with me. 

– Accepting other people in their way of being while when sensing it is coming from an egoic state of mind, not having lots of nerves for dealing with petty problems and/or eg. resistance to make changes that would help getting better.

– Days like at work, sitting without movement for a long time, can create lots of tensions and a kind of nausea-feeling like when I was pregnant. Need for rest while need for lots of movement, stretching, bending.

– Sleeping hours very uncertain: Lots of sweating during nighttime, vivid dreaming, not being able to sleep more than 5 – 6 hours but feeling very tired in the early afternoon.

– Heightened senses come back slowly, this time more gradually. Even sounds traveling through the spine came back. Strong ones like thunder and – if I desire, I can draw certain music inwards.

– Thunder seems kind of “there“ anyway. Sometimes hearing thunder-like sounds, feeling energy exiting my body like thunder into the ground.How has your awakening progressed?

4. What year did awakening come for you?

My Kundalini awoke in 2016, so it’s been 4 years now. Progression is ongoing and unfolding in circles. Every time I thought that NOW! This is it! I had to realize that I am still nowhere…

So, for me, I had to learn to accept that this process is above all a humbling one. And one that will go on for as long as I live. Right now, I am at a point where letting go and having to realize that I can’t force anything and that I still hold myself back with illusions of wanting to achieve something and arrive somewhere with all of that.

Letting go of control… coming into trust… my ego still being squeezed by life, by experiences and by felt physical symptoms of that same holding on to control, not being able to fully soften into trust even though my rational mind knows now without a doubt that this is all I would have to do… but being conscious of something and really living it are two different things and the experience of the Kundalini energy does not allow me to fool myself. She knows and she shows.

5. What do you feel kundalini/awakening is in your experience?

I actually realized quite early on in the process that this must be something rather “normal”. Not normal in a sense of common (yet) but it seems to me that I just entered a process that every human soul will eventually experience. I seem to take part in an early cycle but numbers of people experiencing an Awakening are on the rise and so for me, this is just an evolutionary process we happen to not know a lot about yet.

Why should the modern human be the end product of an evolutionary process that is ongoing since millions of years? We are not cave men anymore, we changed! And so we will also in the future. Common sense when considering even scientifically, no?

6. Did you have challenges with the energy? And if so, what did you do that helped you get through those periods of difficulty? Or, has it always been easy?

Numerous! Especially, because the energy gathered much more on the right side of my body. Sometimes, the energy feels very pushy and this can make me feel uncomfortable, even in pain and restless. But I learn a lot through that and by pushing me with physical symptoms, she urges me to get relief by working on these blockages shown in the body by examining my blockages and long held fears or doubts in my mind and soul.

Slowly and now over these four years, I start to understand how the energy moves and what I can do to bring more harmony into the flow. But this learning process also goes in circles and cycles, with plateaus where I get back to the feeling of just suffering in this journey.

Then, breakthroughs happen and I trust in this “happening” again. Despite these physical challenges, I would not treat this experience against anything else. Thanks to it, I have been given my answer to my most urgent question: There is more than our common senses can grasp and there is more meaning to our lives than what most of us are living out right now. And to ask for truths intensely will be met with answers…

7. What do you think makes the experience easy or difficult?

In short:

Letting go and trusting and letting it humble you vs. trying to be in the driver seat and doubting and believing, this experience has only to do with you.

8. How has the experience impacted or changed your life?

Hmmm… in so so many ways. My awareness and how I see reality, of course, changed completely. And there is not a lot anymore that can freak me out. My ego structure changed completely in the way that I like myself now so much more since I know that I am not very important. It is all not that “loaded” anymore which enables me to stay calm in very uncertain and chaotic situations.

Two years ago, all of this had been tested when I was confronted with a life changing decision: Two cousins of my kids were thrown into a horrible situation because they were living in Columbia with their parents when finally, their father ended up in jail and the mother was being found in the streets, unstable because of years of alcohol and drug abuse. Without my Awakening, doubts might have kicked in strong enough about whether this is a good idea for me, as an already single mom to two boys, to take these two kids to Switzerland so that they can live with us. In my new “me”, doubts were just bypassing without the slightest chance to get a grip on me. I did what was best for those two kids and I did not have to regret my decision for one second.

9. Did you employ, or do you employ now, traditional meditation practices, and if so, how have they been helpful to you? If nontraditional, could you describe them?

I still practice Yoga regularly and teach Yoga lessons twice a week. But what I need the most is to lay down, get into a meditative state and just be with the energy. Sensing how she moves, “getting” her and letting her bring up themes I have to work through mentally and emotionally.

It is nearly an addiction. Every free second, I lie down and do and enjoy that work and that can mean hours of lying somewhere a day : ) But, hey! I can not hide like a hermit somewhere in the mountains and let it work through me for a couple of years and then come back perfectly balanced out. I have to include this in a normal, modern and Western lifestyle as a single mom with four teenage kids.

10. What do you think is happening with the large number of awakenings taking place today? Why do you think this is happening?

As I mentioned before, my feeling is that this is just a normal evolutionary process which started out slowly but is gaining momentum. For the “early ones”, this means that it is somehow a rough ride because of two reasons:

You can not tell people about this intense experience happening to you due to the very reasonable fear that they will think that you went totally bunkers. And secondly, because we are still Kindergarteners in this process, therefore, the impact – physically and mentally – can be very strong. It is my hope that as soon as enough work has been done and the Collective Awareness can catch up, it will get easier for generations to come.

But that is also why it is my intent to raise more awareness about what is going on. That is why I start sharing my story more often and I am as open about it as I can be. People need to understand that this can happen to anyone! It is not exclusive for “saints”, the hermits and well-behaved ones who live a god-fearing life. It can happen to a normal woman like me.

One that, even to this day, is still smoking too much and likes to drink alcohol and enjoying a night out. One, that still has her biases, her self-doubts and her skepticism, confusion and disagreements with god/the Universe. The only thing this woman did was to ask for the truth in a very vigorous way…

11. Where do you feel that this all leads you, and all of us, to?

I am not going to pretend like I would know the answer to this question. I just feel it in my heart and soul that it is leading us all to something more true. And truth does not hurt. Illusions do.

The development of man is hitting a dead end due to it’s destructive base, so it might seem… But the longing for growth, reaching goals and “be” someone while on this plane was an intended driving force for all of us since the beginning of time.

However, for a long time, we were trying to fulfill these needs way-off the intention and we now find us in a point of time were we already nearly destroyed our planet completely.

But only, because we tried to fulfill these inner needs by wrong terms: By getting it from the outside world. Now, an other force seems to come rushing in and pushing individuals to wake up, halt and make an imperative return to what it was initially meant to accomplish: The growth from the inside out. As more and more individuals are being thrown into this experience, the Collective has to and will follow.

Outside time, the plan is that it will be for the good of all of us – this is my feeling that this is what is being meant. Or maybe, it is already all good outside time but on our plane, we do not have the awareness of this fact yet. Either way, here, in felt time, it stays our choice of how long it is going to take for us to get it. To not miss the mark anymore…

I will be putting up a new installment in my ongoing effort to provide information about awakening (in the context of kundalini) through interviews. Being my busy time of the year for me at the studio, I am happy to be able to get this next one out to you in the next week.

I decided to create a battery of basic open-ended questions a few years ago for people who have experienced this phenomenon. While the questions ate limiting on the one hand, they serve to build a reference source because as each new interview is added, the same questions get asked. My hope is that the answers from my interview subjects will begin to create a spectrum of responses that may help illuminate in the mind of the reader the degree to which this phenomenon can vary from person to person while still standing under the big tent cover of awakening.

I am happy to include anyone who would like to participate in this project. You can choose to be anonymous if you wish, but I am happy to link to any web sites that you might be involved with so others can read your blog, or learn more abput what you do or up to our there in the world. Stats show a steady review of these interviews on weekly basis. Each interview is first posted and then a dedicated page is created where the interview remains at the top of the WTI blog so it remains easily accessible.

For inquiries about participating, you may reach me at info@staffordartglass.com.

Have a great day!

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