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The Gospel of Thomas, along with the Gospel of Mary, and the Gospel of Philip,  were key books that I discovered early in my awakening that related to me the body of esoteric knowledge that Jesus taught to his disciples.

These books are so new to modern Christianity that their effects on our thinking are only recently being felt. The discovery of the Nag Hammadi codices happened in 1945 by a local man living near the town that the codices were named after. The same year the Dead Sea Scrolls were also discovered. The codices, though, were not fully translated and published until the early ’70’s. The differences between these two finds, though could not be greater: the Dead Sea Scrolls were written very much in the Judaic tradition as mystical treatises from a group of people who were the Essenes, while the Nag Hammadi was mystical thought based on what would become a break from the Judaic tradition into new realms of experience.

Reading them for the first time in 2006 was an epiphany for me. Growing up, I always felt that there was more, and that something more was missing from Christianity. I didn’t know what this something more even was, nor did I know why growing up that I had this deeply held sense about how Christianity had been hiding something. Sounds a little crazy, right? As I have read this collection of books that began with Thomas, I felt immediately as though I had found it. Just like any book I could feel where it was “off” or when a distortion was creeping in. When the writing was hitting the bullseye, it felt as though I was reading a buried truth inside of me. I saw how, for as useful as science has been, it had done the exact same thing religion had done; it taught us to pay no heed to our own experience (in this case, an inner reality was reduced to mere chemical signals and with religion, our broken state could not hope to allow us a clear view to divine reality).

The Gospel of Thomas was the first book that began to illuminate as well as unravel both what I was taught and what I suspected deep down was a different story about Christianity. Maybe you, too, have had similar misgivings-like something just doesn’t seem quite right about it? I guess I grew up questioning and found it odd that there was invariably that moment in conversation where the other person would say, “You just have to believe!” I never outgrew that need to question, and consequentially never became a follower of anything…..not a religion or philosophy or “ism.” But as time would tell, it stood me in good stead.

Being introduced to these books was like putting a puzzle piece into place that had long been missing. It came to me by way of a friend who read something I wrote while I was in the “thrall” of the energy I had been feeling in bursts early on before the full-on “rise” of awakening.

I published the writing on a forum in 2006 just months before kundalini rose. The writing was an innocent appraisal of what I was going through and how it was affecting my inner perception and experience at the time. It was written as prose, but it was poetry at its heart. The discovery that I made was when my friend suggested I read the gospel of Thomas in the Nag Hammad. I had no familiarity with these books, but found certain passages in Thomas to be identical in content to what I had just written. My friend had said as much, which piqued my curiosity.

The piece I wrote was about how all of nature was suffused with the energy of life force and that this force existed for plants just as it existed for humans; that sexual energy is the interconnecting principle behind all energy, which is creative and connective. Most people never feel this in their baseline experience because the energy is narrowed down so much that they only get a trickle. By sexual energy, I am not talking about sex or active arousal, but rather a steady continuou experience of sexual/sensual energy as a kind of energetic baseline —or bliss, if you prefer.  What I had unknowingly stumbled onto was this baseline experience instead of mere arousal. How can anyone know the creative power inherent in the emanations of spirit and the universe who does not experience it first hand? 

The energy that I felt was sexual, yes, but it was also different in that I noticed that it was opening my mind in a way that I was familiar with as an artist and seeker, but in a different way. It was like a rarefied form of inspiration, maybe like inspiration on steroids. It brought the awareness that I was opening up to a reality that existed in all things and that this was more than mere imagination. I was at work as this experience first poured through me so powerfully, and was like a narrative that hung in the air, waiting for me as I turned my mind back to it through the course of the day. It was almost exactly like putting a book down and picking it back up at the same place later. The sense that “I” alone was creating this had vanished.

Rather than feeling like I was creating this experience, it had an objective quality to it that was co-creative; as if it waited for me to find my own unique way to give it voice. This was a very different kind of experience, and I have written about it before. On that day it was as though I stepped past mere imagination to find that imagination, if you go deep enough into it, becomes a sensory portal where we form images to describe the reality we are experiencing when we are not using our physical senses. It allows you to see beyond yourself (as long as you aren’t wearing  blinders). 

The sense I had was extremely vivid and a little more than “trippy.” It has now become a fixture of my experience, but back then this was a horse of a different color. It was akin to how you awaken from a dream and are able to go back to sleep to finish the dream….except I was awake.

 It was like a truth living in the light. I came upon the first realization that sexuality was an integral part of spiritual energy in an undivided way. I knew, had known, that our sexuality had the capability to allow us deep communion with ourselves and one another, but I simply had not experienced it in the way I was doing so on that crisp October day in 2006. I was moved by sexual energy to see and to feel into a world that seemed like it was a product of imagination only to find that it was a channel, along with imagination, for apprehending the world and reality in a nonphysical, nonsensory way. I was not experiencing this with a person, it was with a matrix or field of energy that interpenetrated everything. It was through the energy that I first began to relate and see in this new way.

I realized that our shame about sexuality was, at least in part, blocking all of us from knowing the light of this knowing. I knew on that day that what made sexual energy dirty was the shame we brought to it. Sexual energy had been poorly understood as a result. 

When I finally sat down to write out the material that had played through my mind that day, I felt a need to note the time. I put it down on the page and began to type. The material poured through me. It was so fast, a part of me was surprised. I noted the time that I ended and put it at the end of the page. Years later, I went back and tried to type the piece again and found that I couldn’t match the speed that it came through. It was entitled The Yearning. 

After having written the piece, I had the first synchronicity occur that was uncanny right after leaving work. I went into town and wound up buying a science magazine that had a story in it that carried the same message in it as my writing. Out of all the magazine’s I could have bought, this one was the most different of all of them, and I had to work to find it because it was hidden behind a card rack in the store. When I looked at its cover, there was no mention of the story that was in it. These personally relevant coincidences would begin to form the basis of so many events in my life once awakening came in full force. Synchronicity happens when we step into the flow of this energy in consciousness, you see. It is part of this new landscape.



The writings of Thomas, which are a collection of quotes that Jesus said, carries no story-line like the mainstream Gospels do, but instead is a collection of sayings with no apparent personal commentary by Thomas. The book is laden with an understanding of awakening and relays this in the same way Jesus taught the masses, which was through a nonliteral language of parable and analogy. The reason for this is because Jesus was seeking to relay a nonphysical reality to minds who knew nothing but physical reality.  You can’t do this in a literal way and expect anyone to understand you.

Photograph of a page from The Gospel Of Thomas


The key here in ALL of his teachings is his use of the word “like” which is in nearly every parable: he does not say the kingdom is a mustard seed, he says it is like a mustard seed. This type of discourse assumes that you will look inward for the details, for the truth. It is a means of getting us to look inward to find our own inner mustard seed, to understand how something so small and so hidden can grow and unfold into something so large.

(17) “I shall give you what no eye has seen and what no ear has heard and what no hand has touched and what has never occurred to the human mind.”

This quote lies at the heart of the deeper esoteric teachings of Jesus, which was that this information could not be properly known through physical means or the senses. It was a reality that Jesus knew and sought to convey. More than just a structure for doing good, it was the essence of spiritual knowledge, of inner discovery. 

“Jesus said to them, “When you make the two one, and when you make the inside like the outside, and the outside like the inside, and the above like the below, and when you make the male and the female, so that the male not be male nor the female female; and when you fashion eyes in the place of an eye, and a hand in the place of a hand, and a foot in place of a foot, and a likeness in the place of a likeness; then you will enter the kingdom.”

What Jesus is saying is that when the opposites within our nature are brought into unity, awakening comes. For Jesus, the kingdom was the word he used to describe this state of being. 
If this sounds the least bit familiar to those who know and experience kundalini, it is because it is. Some suggest that these teaching borrow from other esoteric traditions. Anyone who has experienced kundalini can likely tell you that when it happens to you, you don’t need a tradition to explain it. You know. So it is natural for anyone who caught on and achieved awakening to describe it in roughly similar ways as another culture or tradition did is because it’s the same experience being described. You will never get awakening through a description, you will get it because you found it inside of you. 

The awakening of kundalini is a merging of the seeming opposite forces in awareness, symbolized in the Hindu tradition as the two serpents that rise up through the body and awareness to merge into one another in an experience of blissful union that awakens, redeems, and saves us from being, as the Gnostic texts convey, “dead.” And life before awakening is like this-we thought we lived until we awoke and then REALLY knew what being alive was all about!

The idea of this fusion of opposites shows up throughout the teachings of Jesus in the Nag Hammadi. It is told in different ways, but it’s the nonliteral language Jesus is using that urges us to look within ourselves for the answer.

(48) “Jesus said, “If two make peace with each other in this one house, they will say to the mountain, “Move away,” and it will move away.”

The clue is in both context and the use of “two” in his teaching. The two are not two physical people. If you take it literally, you lose what he is trying to teach, which is much deeper. He is saying that when you make peace with the two forces in your awareness, the male and female, or in the Hindu tradition, the Shakti and Shiva, in your body (or house), you will attain the powers that come because of it. 
Jesus is not being literal; the two are living in the house that is the body. When they make peace, or move into union with one another, you can think of something and it happens. The mountain does not literally move, he is just saying that the seemingly impossible now becomes possible. For anyone who has experienced awakening, you know just what I mean. Again, synchronicity lies at the heart of this. 

Another key to this is also how Jesus uses the concept of being divided. When you are divided enough within, awakening is not possible. But when you are no longer divided, a process takes hold that is the very essence of what we talk about and experience in awakening. One of these keywords experiences is that of feeling as though we are being taken apart by this force, that it leaves us irretrievably changed. The accounts of this are too numerous to mention in the Nag Hammadi Library (where Thomas is found). So we have Jesus speaking directly to this experience again in Thomas where he states that, “Therefore I say, if he is destroyed he will be filled with light, but if he is divided, he will be filled with darkness.” 

Most every awakening is accompanied by a brilliant flash of light. The encounter of this light is the same light experienced upon bodily death, but those who were on to the esoteric teachings of Jesus could experience this light while still alive, an encounter that always leaves the person forever changed.
If you see what happens to people who have had near death experiences, they are all similarly changed by it; accounts almost always involve the person feeling as though they have to live their lives in a more purposeful and compassionate way than before. Additionally, people who have had a NDE will often have kundalini awakening and if not a rise of the energy, return with similar abilities as those who have awakened without an NDE. This is due to what the encounter with the light does, or initiates in us as real soulful change. It was so important that Jesus taught almost exclusively about it. What these teachings share with other traditions is the concept of a unified self as the means to know God, Cosmic Consciousness. I will remind my readers that the whole purpose of yoga is to bring body and mind into unity in order to prepare for awakening. The word yoga means union.

The question at the forefront of your mind might be, “If this is true, why doesn’t it come through more clearly in the canonical Gospels?” It is a fair question, and it’s due in part, I observe, as a result of the early versions of the  Gospels that were making their first rounds during the third century AD. These books have many of the same words in them, but a  different understanding was now in place. For example, when Jesus mentions adultery, people think he is talking against cheating on your spouse. But clearly in the Gospel of Mary our adultery is sinning against out own nature; we turn away from that part in ourselves that could save us. This is but one example of the differences in understanding that took place at the time. The documents, as written, reflect that level of understanding as a result.

These were books selected by a group of people who all thought the same way. That is, they were literalists, and the nuances of Jesus’s spoken word was lost on them. They thus favored books that conveyed a certain literalist depth to them. Everything else sounded like nonsensical gobbledygook to them. So naturally, anything that bid them to dig deep within was quickly rejected, and Thomas, along with a lot of the Nag Hammadi Library, is deep. They labelled it heresy because it did not agree with the collection of books that conveyed what I call Christianity Lite. 

I know this sounds dismissive, but it isn’t. It’s what my journey has shown me is true. If you like this form of Christianity, I think it’s fine, but don’t expect it to be a means to bring you to a full-on transcendent encounter with the cosmic  It simply lacks the important central teachings for sparking the requisite awareness and willingness to approach it differently for that to happen. Too much is missing from the road map! Besides, there are passages in the Bible that exhort followers not to fall prey to conjurer’s and magicians. They effectively sealed the library shut, denying anyone the hope of finding the keys to awaken. If this sounds bad, bear in mind that this was the exact same observation Jesus was making about the Pharisees when he was alive. The key unlocks all of us regardless of religion, but the key has been surrounded by fear of losing ones eternal soul. What a fine state! But the story has stuck along with a particilar understanding of the teachings, and the victor was Rome, so the church in Rome set the pace and the kind of story that would be told.

The history is not ambiguous on this. Rome became the center for Christianity based on the superior resources found there. But Rome was not the defacto center in the beginning. In fact, there was a very real vying for this designation in the beginning. Constantinople was one such early center, and there were also ministries that sprang up in the wake of the work that the disciples did early on in those areas. The gift of the discovery of the Nag Hammadi was a result, most likely, of a church that was nearby.   It is likely that there was ongoing activity long before the structure was even built. 

Rome became the center because of power, influence, money, scribal resources, and the will to become that center. The church also had the support of the Roman empire behind it. The church could decree any teachings it believed stood outside what they believed was the core messages as anathema, which they did, landing any heretic in jail or losing his or her life. The church could simply remand a person to the Roman authorities for punishment in much the same way certain Jews were said to have demanded punishment of Jesus before Pilate.

This is not the only force that served to so change the story of Jesus’s teachings. 
There are scribal errors. Some, most in fact, are so mild that they don’t change the meaning of what is being conveyed. There are tens of thousands of these types of errors that are found in the books, and they are easy to find by simply comparing all of the oldest copies of the same books with others of its kind. But there are more substantive errors that take place, and they are less numerous but they tend to be far more significant. These often take the form of translational errors. 

The Gospels were written mostly in Greek and later translated to Latin. This is how a passage in Luke has Jesus asking Peter three times if he loves him, totally missing the mark meaning-wise from what was said in the Greek version.

Jesus has Peter over to his house for breakfast and he turns to Peter asking him three times if Peter loves him. Peter says that he does love Jesus each time he is asked. 
On the face of it, it doesn’t make sense why Jesus would do this. He just keeps repeating himself. This encounter happened we think after the crucifixion, so Christians have explained this by saying that Jesus was doing this to remind Peter that he had denied knowing Jesus three times when Jesus was arrested and later crucified. And it all makes a kind of sense, except that isn’t what Jesus was asking Peter at all.

Instead, in the Greek, Jesus asks Peter if he loves him agape, which is the form of love one has for, and with, God. Then Jesus uses the word philos, which is the familial form of love one has. Think of it as brotherly love. Jesus then asks him if he feels eros, which is erotic, sexual love. Peter answers in the affirmative each time. 

Do you see how different this story is now? Instead of “going there” and shaming Peter for denouncing him, he is instead asking him if he loves him without reservation, without any boundaries as pertains to social propriety. Jesus wanted to know how full and complete Peter’s love was. Now imagine “eros” being translated into the King James’s Version! That was because the image which those in the early church chose was not the real Jesus. The accounts of Jesus thus followed the narrative the early church fathers wanted, which was a nonsexually, non-erotic Jesus. In this particular case, I think it was quite possible that the error in translation may have been intentional. It is why I view this passage as being intentionally mistranslated; having Jesus speaking of sexual love didn’t fit their narrative, but it fit another story when not translated completely, thus giving the passage a very different spin.

The other problematic side to this which I haven’t gotten into is the fact that Jesus spoke middle Aramaic, which is a highly contextual language. This means you need to know the context a word is given in order to discern it’s meaning. Since all of the Gospels, we assume, were first written in Greek (“koin” Greek), we are all one step removed from the nuances wording Jesus was giving in his teachings. The elephant in the room though is that if someone did not understand what was being said, a different story might be told. This is a small but important point.

Imagine the scene: Jesus walks into the kitchens of Levi and says, “That is a very cool oven, Levi! How do you cook with it?” Levi later says to his friends, “Jesus cannot understand how I cook with an oven which has no fire…” In truth, Jesus was saying that he thought Levi’s oven was really great and could he show Jesus how he cooks with it? I know that sounds silly, but it’s very likely this has happened about central concepts about Jesus’s divinity, our relationship to that divinity, and the path to salvation. Actually, these small errors make for big missunderstandings!

Most people assume that the Gospels were written by the disciples, but many of the disciples were illiterate and the canonical Gospels have very sophisticated writing structure. They were first told, then copied. There were different versions of the same document in existence (such as two copies of Matthew, one purported to be for the masses while another for the more initiated). Scholars can also see how a Gospel will abruptly have a different writing style, which suggests a different writer. Most readers never even catch the difference though.

 Through translational errors as well as picking the versions of books that spoke more to the people’s own sensibilities who came three hundred years after Jesus, this likely became the force that defined our understanding of Jesus as the man we think we know. 

Then, it was quite easy to fold our arms and say, “For the Bible tells me so!” Except that this isn’t so because there is a problem with that Bible.

We now have books that were hidden away for over 1600 years that had been thought to be extinct. The fabled Gospel of Thomas was decried a myth by the church (even though it was mentioned in the writings of some well known people at the time) until a copy of it emerged having been discovered in the desert of Egypt in 1945. Along with it came a trove of over 40 books all bound in leather folio’s, the contents of which have caused scholars to rethink Christianity in a radicaly new way. 

It would be a different story if the books made no sense at all, but instead the teachings are extremely deep, so deep that gnostic scholars admit that they have trouble understanding them.
They don’t understand them because these books are a treasure of esoteric teachings, the marrow of how to find God, how to know the self, to know about the twin forces within awareness that Jesus says many times in different books as his being “One with the father and mother.” This only sounds strange to someone who has no experience with awakening. Thus, the books in the Nag Hammadi have this as a consistent theme. Yes, there is mention of God the father, some writing in the NHL uses this term exclusively to describe the masculine aspect. But it also focuses on the feminine aspect exclusively too, (Pistis Sophia) so there you go. These “new” themes are difficult for scholars to understand because they themselves do not know or already taste the nature of the experience. 
It’s hard to pull back the veil when you don’t know a veil is even there.
 
To better understand the rift that occurred in the early church and how heresy was the origin of Christianity (as defined by the church in Rome), you have to read the history on all of this. You won’t find the whole history within the church because the church had its mind made up 1600 years ago and it hasn’t changed much since Instead, you have to pick up scholarly analysis to begin to see the additional materials that help to clarify the issue more.

Works by Bart Ehrman, while criticized by the church, are some of the best examples for understanding the Bible as it was instead of how it has been made to look. He does this by examining the facts. He draws on scholarly research instead of faith.
Even in his own work, there seems to be something missing, which is the gap between the esoteric works and the exoteric (canonical Gospels). Somewhere between the death of Jesus and the birth of the church under emperor Constantine, there was a dividing of the way in understanding. Somewhere, books were radically changed. Perhaps this was done piece-meal, changes that took place as the result of people hearing the stories and having only a limited understanding,and then writing them down.  What we know is that the Gospels, most of them, were not written by their authors. We know this because of how they are written. They often use the name of the writer as having said what the book contains instead of the writer using the correct  form of person if they were writing it; “These were the words that Jesus told Luke” instead of, “These were the words that Jesus told to me, Luke.” Even in Thomas the same form is suggested in the first sentence:. “These are the secret sayings which the living Jesus spoke which Didymos Judas Thomas wrote down.” In the case of Thomas, the sayings were without narrative, so it was easier to simply copy them as they were. Scribal errors were reduced with the document  because it had been written and then buried for 1600 years. But this book was copied many times even as the other Gospels were.We do not have another copy of Thomas with which to compare. We do know that some of the sayings found in Thomas were found carved in a building in India, a country, not coincidentally, that Thomas was said to have been encouraged to go to spread the teachings.

(5)Jesus said, “Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you. For there is nothing hidden which will become manifest.”

The process of awakening is one where you increasingly learn to see things as they are. When you are able to pierce the fog of your belief and inner bias, events will look vastly different to you. You will also attain secret knowledge, which is referred to as “gnosis” and that those who did know were the “gnosticoi.” While writing this piece I had a comment made on another earlier post where a reader, herself awakened, described how she could discern answers to problems, any problem by sitting down, getting quiet, and ‘listening’ inwardly for the answer…. which, she added, always comes. So that is an example of what I mean by “secret” knowledge.

The act of merging the opposites within is what keeps us from being “one-sided” or stuck in one mode (masculine/rational) of thinking. It is when we merge them and find union within that the energy rises and we are saved from death.

The “rising” is mentioned in Philip, and it’s quite remarkable. He explains we must attain this while alive now if we are to live a fuller life. He suggests in his explanation of it that simply waiting to find it when we die wont do it; doing it here is important. He uses the term rising in the flesh. He also explains that the concept of resurrection was wrong. We do not die and come to life, but we are as though dead and come into a larger spiritual life, becoming more alive. I highly suspect that even in his lifetime Philip was seeing a corruption of the teachings by people thinking Jesus would come back to resurrect them, which is a distortion that shows up in the canonical Gospels such as in Revelation where Jesus comes in glory to raise up the dead and judge them too. This is how the fairy tale that is the rapture came to be I think. But Philip explains, no, this is a rebirth, a resurrection of the self in flesh as though it had been dead. This is not a literal physical death. This is a death of soul, of awareness of ones true potential.

This concept of those who are “dead” are found through both Thomas as well as Philip. It is clear that Jesus is playing with words to make an important point. It is also word usage that befuddles scholars. “The dead are not living and the living do not die.”

Those who are not awakened are like someone who is dead; they do not live the fuller life that awakening, or the kingdom affords them. The living do not taste death because the gnosis which they attain upon awakening shows them that they are more than flesh and bone and that the universe is a living breathing subtle presence that supports this new life by way of the Creator who is both masculine and feninine. It is by joining the two in yourself that you live in the same way as the deity does. This is why it brings gnosis of the deity; the twin forces that are in you are present in the deity. This becomes the way to know this larger life.

The difference between canon and the Nag Hammadi is the role Christ plays. In canon, you seek the Christ as Jesus to be saved by him. In the Nag Hammadi, the Christ is found within. You already have the capacity to BE a Christ. The idea that anyone could be a Christ right along with Jesus was an anametha to the church and could land you in jail, and you could lose your life.

The clues to all of this is in knowing that the sayings were meant to stir your own knowing. It’s there for you to know. When you do know, you will begin to see what is being said. While the vocabulary might be different from Vedic teachings about the rising of kundalini, and while they may vary based on aporoach and their details, they both are speaking about the same exact thing. This teaching is the same as found in other non-abrahamic religions or philosophies.

The sad part is that this was weeded out in the beginning as “heresy” when in fact it contains the esoteric teachings that Jesus conveyed to his disciples because, as Jesus explains, the masses are not able to understand his deeper teachings even though they are present in every single parable. He also points out to Peter in the same sentence that even though Jesus speaks plainly to Peter that even he does not understand.

This is a tall order for us, then, to understand these teachings. Perhaps the difference in content may have been due to the differences amongst the disciples themselves, with small differences equalling substantive differences in what they each understood the teachings to mean. Even in the letter of Peter to Philip, Peter describes Philip as standing or keeping himself “separate” from the rest of the disciples. Could it have been that Philip found himself at odds with the rest of the group in his understanding of the teachings? 

I won’t pretend that the Nag Hammadi is without fault, though. While it has those parts that seem to lift off the page, it also contains a lot of what I would expect from a culture of the time as being highly resistant to the feminine principle having equality amongst the masculine. This is no more evident than in the creation story that was written by this group of people. In it, the error in the world came about by the feminine principle seeking to create a world on her own, which results on a demiurge that then sows all kinds of havoc in the world. It seems women just can’t get an even break! But you can see how the bias is there and results in a prejudice against this force, which we all have in ourselves. But luckily, the truth is there inside you, you need only knock and the door will be opened.

When I awoke, I became aware by meditating and focusing on the energy that this thing felt like the embrace of a man and woman. I called it that. I also found that the i focused on their embrace that I could begin to feel a third presence emerge from them. I called this “the child.” I didn’t know that this was kundalini, I simply knew what I felt. What I did not know was that this was the same result as the early Christians had and were describing. In fact, they used the image of the bridal chamber to explain the sexual bliss that existed in the experience of this union. The Christ was the one who emerged from this bridal chamber called the “nymphion.” Boom.

It was in reading these words that it all came  together for me; the union of the inner man and woman producing the child, which for me was a transcendent awareness that unleashed my mind and brought “secret knowledge” was the same thing Jesus and his followers had described. It was also an idea the later Christians who devolved away from and could not stand the idea of their god-man as being sexual in any way. This also meant that the teachings of Christianity did not offer the teachings which, despite their prudishness, would have actually saved them and redirected them into a new life.

It was a big “WOW” moment for me to say the least. This was the origin of the Trinity, and the takeaway here was that the Holy Ghost was the missing link, the feminine aspect that if understood, could have jump-started a revolution in being here on earth. 

In recent posts on how to release trauma, you can perhaps understand why I stress why it’s so important to release trauma or emotional material from the past. It is because it serves to divide you and keeps your insides turning away from the trigger that brings awakening.

This is not just achieved by dealing with emotional material in a more or less direct fashion, it can also be achieved by way of somatic release exercises which recognizes that emotion is stored in the body and can be released through body movement without having to reexperience trauma, but simply to face and acknowledge the emotion. This is at the core of pranayama yoga as well as chi gong, just to name a few. This has, though, the result of releasing what divides you and as such, will lead to awakening when enough of the right material is healed or released. It isn’t for the elect, it is who each of us are regardless of class or religion. It goes way deeper than that.

The teachings found in Thomas might speak to you as they spoke to me and others. For me, it was through Thomas that I knew someone besides me had experienced this before. Philip explained that Jesus was trying to get his disciples to be Christ’s. This happens when the two merge deeply into each other and remain so from then on. This is the consumation of Augustine, the divine marriage of the alchemists, and the Bridal Chamber. It is cosmic consciousness of the Hindu, exemplified in the merging of the yoni and lingam, the Tor of the Druids in England, and cosmic mind of the Zen Buddhists.
Critics of these writings seem to say that the writings in the NHL are of eastern lineage and are not aligned to Christian thinking. I rather think that the truths espoused in all of these traditions or strands of thought arise from direct experience of a spiritual reality that is common to us all. I was able to describe my own experience without the aid of a tradition. Further, I was led to writings that had passages nearly identical to what I had written. 
What I did was no different than what anyone else has done who could witness their own awakening. It isn’t that the early Christians were  a “Gnostic” group, it was that they had insight that led them to describe what all other esoteric traditions have done for ages, with the descriptions illuminating a condition, or state, or structure to consciousness that is common to all of us. What the critics do not get is that this experience is often so clear and vivid that those describing it as the union of opposites are describing it as it is. No tradition needs to tell you what’s happening because you feel the energy rise, you feel the physiological and neurological reaction to the energy as serpentine, and you experience the rush as it pierces the chakras and opens you even further for the universal awareness to move through you.  I described it on my own in exactly the same way that the early Christians had-which was the truth of the Trinity.

All of this amazing stuff is in you, and is the source of all that I write about. I hope that you might find this so that you can walk in this new life which is the real “resurrection and the life.”

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I can remember a day when I wondered why certain things happened into my life and knew that it had to do with how we create our own reality….but until I entered into a state that resulted in a rapid dismantling of the material within me that was serving to create that reality in the way it once did, it was hard to make a connection between how subconscious material can indeed rule our lives.

For those of you who are on to the Gnostic literature there is a lot in a number of the gospels in the Nag Hammadi Library that speaks directly to this.  In Phillip he says that the “evil” makes us do what we do not want to do and makes it impossible for us to do what we want to do.  This is karmic blocks. He goes on to say that this was what was meant when Jesus spoke of laying the axe at the roots.  To get at a problem, you have to go deep within to the source of the problem or issue.  It has to be pulled out entirely.  This type of work is not always as easy as it seems, and having methods that work both psychologically and physiologically can be very helpful.  But once you begin traveling down this path and are successful at removing a string of issues that had been dug in deep within, it frees up your insides enough that it can lead to cascades of releases.

In the near future I will be setting forth (as promised) some of the most effective means for releasing stored trauma that I have discovered along the way in my practice.  Some of these, it turns out, were in the process of being developed as I made my own discovery.  In perfect timing, they came, and I will be offering them to you for you to try on your own.  While yoga is an old tried and true series of methods and techniques for handling this sort of material, these newer methods get to the core of stored material.  The reason why this is so useful and so revolutionary is that it has the power to completely change your life by releasing you from feelings and thoughts that seem as though you have no control over.  While self control is a very useful way to cope with this stored material, it does not address it completely, while the methods I will be showing you go right to the root of the matter.  When you do this, you begin to enter, bit by bit, into a space of mind that is your authentic self that is more and more free from the more troubling things that may dog you in your emotional and spiritual life.

Life has taken a rather sudden turn over the last couple of months and time that I thought I would have for blogging has been entirely taken up with the new work that I am doing.  If you follow the blog you will know that this summer I began with work that I knew was more than just…well….work. I sensed right away the energetic and emotional landscape of the people I was working with.  I waited, knowing that when you become aware of another person’s inner material, it is only a matter of time before they start speaking about it.  Everyone can sense this level of awareness even if its subconscious, and when we really see people, it opens them and frees them to a large extent.  It can be the first step to real healing if they are ready for the work.  Then, in the midst of all of this, I found that a whole series of issues were being driven up in the events around me that showed me that none of this was an accident.  I was being shown aspects of issues that I had experienced and had been effected by.  But instead of being affected by this, I observed.  I was not surprised to find that my abusive ex would come onto the scene engaging in her usual punishing behavior.  Again, I did not respond.  Then, within 24 hours, I felt a deep thread of pain in my gall bladder meridian (yang energy line) release.  This area I have identified as being the place where there is a lot of the remaining stuck material.  Its been hard to deal with because it is the most current and “active” from my divorce 6 years ago.  After this happened, an entirely different level of feeling took over me.  A clearing took place and I found that people who were in the same alignment to this type of behavior simply fell away from my focus or concern. It was like an energetic deactivation.  Poof.  Just like that.

In the wake of this, cleared as I was, I found that the company I was working with was not able to continue keeping me in work.  I was not terribly worried about this because at a universal level, there was really no way to keep this association up anymore.  Whatever drove this person to contact me out of the many people who could have been working with him, was now simply gone.  I knew a new chapter was about to emerge, I just had no clue what it might involve.  I simply wait for the universe to bring the next thing I have to work with.

And then it came.  I didn’t go looking for it, dream of it, or anything like that.  Someone sought me out, just like before, and some of it just made no sense from a practical stand point.  This kind of thing isn’t always about practical, though.  Its what is needed.  So someone who was looking to buy land saw a property that I had that was vacant and loved it so much that he wanted to move in.  This person has been in a rapid period of change and recently walked away from a relationship that was abusive and chaotic.  He left with 58¢ in his pocket.  But this man was unconcerned about that fact.  He had worked with the likes of Warren Buffet and had done work with political and theatrical luminaries over his life.  It was all a part of his way of looking at the world and interacting with it.  He was at rock bottom and was beginning his next rise in this next chapter of his life.  And he was placed smack dab in the middle of my life.  What are the odds?  Right.  This is how this kind of abundance is created.

A week into working with him, I could feel how his own field of awareness was affecting my own.  I have lived a life from an early age that involved my awareness of consciousness as energy, and in awakening, this is greatly heightened.  I was surprised to find that the resistance I was feeling while working with him was not located in the areas where I thought I would do this type of release work.  I knew instinctively that the root is where abundance springs, but the tension or resistance (always a sign of a block) was coming from my solar plexus.  This was a new sensation and also a new awareness for me.  By focusing on this, I “got” rather quickly that my own will (solar plexus) had been the center that was blocking my own natural sense of abundance.  So all of those people who had tried to paint me as somehow less were in truth painting their own pictures, and I was going right along with it.  When we speak of others, so often, we speak of ourselves when it comes to our difficulties with them.  Its really just about us sometimes.  Luckily I have begun to cease trying to make it a problem that lies with another person and simply look inside of myself to understand why I have the issue with them and then own that.  I am able to turn a problem entirely on its head and make it work as a healing moment for me.  Instead of seeing the world as the problem I see that the problem is just me and is an excellent opportunity to heal the part of me that takes issue with the crazy behavior of another person who I have attracted like magic into my life who is a mirror of this issue I have not myself gotten over yet.

But recently I spoke about working with men in healing work….and along comes this man who was primed to finally change how he had been attracting abusive behavior into his life.  I will begin using a set of the methods I will be developing in my cleansing system with someone who is excited to free himself from the issues that lie deep within himself so he can live an even more abundant and happy life.  All of this honors the “patient” as the healer.  The problem with most energy healing is that until we are thoroughly healed ourselves, we can leave imprints of our own energy on others.  This is so subtle that most healers are not even aware that they are even doing it.  In my case, this is one reason why I have stopped short of doing healing work except with those who I know closely already because of the ressonant effect that this association can have.  Only when I have cleared the decks top to bottom would I ever consider doing energetic healing for this very reason.  The result is that you can wind up attracting people who are where you are in some fashion, and it can serve to reinforce rather than completely free the person being healed if the healing work is being done in a broad enough way.  The healer should always be the most healed person in the group otherwise they run the risk of creating more problems as they are trying their hardest to solve them. You have to do the healing first for yourself.

So I was able to gently release this tension inside of me.  My good friend served as a kind of control, and anytime I would feel a sense of resistance, I just looked at it with compassion and let more healing and surrender into my awareness.  Now what do you think this does?  It begins to release some pretty dug in material.  In an entirely bizarre event I was able to take the deceit visited upon me for years and turn it completely on its head.  And the most amazing thing was I didn’t do anything except hold a certain state or vibration. I had a break-in to my home that resulted in a rather sudden turn of events that had the power to completely change the terms of engagement with someone who had been playing by her own rather warped rules of acceptable behavior.  All I had to do was to simply show up, document it, and leave the rest to the universe.  No more drama, no more trouble, no more feeling bad about myself. When something is about to release that is this deep, some pretty amazing things will often happen that show you that its a world of energetic alignment that is doing the work for you.

Lying deeper within all of this exists a still deeper lesson that takes holding on to and allowing it to grow and set up shop in the mind of the heart.  This took years to get to this place, but when you align to what is fair and true, the universe has a way of supporting that.  As soon as I was able to deal with the issue deeper down, the people who had been involved in all of this drama pretty much screwed the pooch in such a dramatic way that it sounds more like a line out of a movie than anything that might actually happen.  Except that it did.  And me?  I just keep doing my work and let the world be what it is.  There was no sense of justice, no sense of anyone getting theirs.  If anything, a kind of relief mixed with a sadness for them.  But this will itself fall away as well when I allow myself to fully come into my own on this account. Far from karma being a judgement or punishment or someone “getting theirs” I see it as neutral but which is activated by how we feel.  Change that, and you can change the nature of events very quickly.  When someone lives a life so full of dishonesty, it just has a way of coming back on them without a single finger being lifted.  Its their life, not mine.  It becomes their choice even though they might be lost in the miasma of their own emotions that seem to tell them that they are not  the problem.  They just aren’t my problem anymore because I am seeing and feeling it differently now.  How could that be a part of my reality when I am so different?  Now bear in mind, this is not just my wishing to be different, its a sea change.  It is a laying of the axe at the root and taking it out in entire.  Wishful thinking is great for developing vision for the future and as a path for future work, but it does not really address the issues themselves in the present.  All of this is useful, but if you want to be done with something, you have to change your mind completely about how you feel and respond.  I am not here to love someone healthy anymore, or to help them like they are some sort of broken birdie project.  I used to think I owed people something of myself.  What I owe is a debt of gratitude that the world is made the way it is that it allows my innermost self to be reflected in the people and events that are in my life.  Now that I have begun clearing the deeper root issues, things are changing fast now, and I am looking forward to a positive turn of events and in life now.

The world is now opening up for the next chapter, one in which I will be able to allow my native abundance to really flow unhindered.  I know who I am in a way I didn’t allow myself to be.  It is now time to have a lot of fun.

Until next time, my bearers of light….

 

P.

When I awoke to being afire, I wondered if anyone before had such a thing happen to them. I had looked out for this for years, even ready about this act of self-immolation but never really “got” it or understood.  There is no way to understand because it just isn’t like that. How can I tell you what it is to kiss the lips of a goddess or god? I could, but you would make it up for yourself from my own words so that we would each have our own approximated versions.  They’d be different because words are so limited.  And because this is not something to be understood.  It is something to be experienced.

I had read around the edges of our esoteric understandings, hadn’t I?  Why didn’t I know what this thing was?  There is no way to know.  There is only experience. But when I did go looking, an intuitive friend suggested I try the Nag Hammadi.  It was there that I saw the world unfold before me.  It was not through the Hindu or Muslim or Zorasterian….but Christian.  Funny that awakening and the kundalini would be found there….but there it was.  It actually answered to me a deep sense of upset I have felt my whole life as an older life cam tumbling out of this like a bolt of cloth.  In this lifetime, I was one of those so-called “Gnostics” of a sort, which is to say that I once lived with the knowledge that what Yeshuah tried to do here was to wake us up, like all great teachers….but they did a real job on his teachings. In no other corner of our world of teaching has someone’s message been more subject to the slice and dice of bias and recreation of a man’s words for their own purposes.

The Apex Teachings of Jesus just didn’t have a chance of getting through.  What’s more, even the disciples seemed to feel it was dangerous to share this with just anyone. SO a lot was hidden.  Still more was driven underground or was simply not understood and was deemed “heretical.”  This was a very different Christianity.  The one we have today is fine, but it bears few threads that will lead ANYONE to liberation. The great teaching was reduced to a fine societal code for keeping people nice and docile. The followers were sheep and the shepherd moved the sheep around. Its kind of a mad thing, really, when you think of it.

The apex teachings of Jesus didn’t have a chance. No, this “new” Jesus that the new church fathers were going to fashion in 400 A.D. was going to be a chaste and pure man who was a god as surely as Jehovah was an authority over humankind.  And we would all OBEY this god of ours.  Its what humans do the best; control.  But liberation is not about control.  It is about allowing the impossible to happen.  It is about allowing every grain of sand to flow through your hand that lies on the earth in a moment of time.  It is possible for the human spirit to experience this.  It is possible to be entirely changed.  It is possible to win your freedom.  Jesus asks his own people if the teachings did not themselves say that humans are gods after he was criticized for speaking heresy.  He spoke it because he knew it to be the case.  In us lies not just the divine spark, but that which is godly.  What Jesus found, we each can find.  But who would need a church after finding the god or goddess within themselves?

Doing this, setting yourself aflame like this, though, is a lot of “work.”  It is a lot of work for us humans to be so honest, so candid with ourselves that we are willing to admit to all that we have done that has been in error, that has been twisted or turned, angled this way or that, to the brilliance of the great white light that is the source of all transformation.  We are riddled with error, my friends.  We are.  So sitting back and just letting this light into you is the healing thing…it will seem to tear you apart…but it is only because so much is nonessential….but as time goes by you will see it is the greatest of graces.  It takes so much effort to let ourselves be undone simply because we RESIST it so much and have done so for so long.

It is a lot of work for us silly humans because we do not know how to really learn sometimes.  I know, because I have resisted truly learning.  You cannot teach anyone who thinks they already know it all. Such full vessels are where the fools of the world seek repose and congratulate themselves that they have some piece of what is true, that they have it all figured out.  But there are so many “truths” are there not?  So many things to believe, so many biases to accept in the process of taking such delicious bait.  And yet, beyond all of our assumptions and knowing lies something still and entirely explosive.  Taking it into yourself, just this spark, is enough to engulf you in the purifying flame of the alchemical urge…..the divine spark rests in us all and it desires to set us each aflame.  I say “take it into you” but this is not true….you take it into your willingness to accept that it is already INSIDE of you. Awakening is what we all are.  It is a verb, not a noun.

This flame will burn away all thoughts about what you believed were true and leave you simple, less encumbered, sometimes lonely, even sad for the life you thought you had or wanted or the world you thought you had or wanted.  It takes time to adjust as you auger deeper into the depths of your soul and root out the errors that have been there for lifetimes.  Oh yes, you will learn that this is all a giant cycling from one moment to the next….from one life to another life…and to another and another….

We live so many lives because we are such stubborn beings, unwilling or unable to realize who or what we are deep down.  The gift of the deity is encoded in our cells, in the very atoms and subatomic particles that make up our bodies. You can feel this energy all the way down in the core of each atom in your body if you allow your awareness to open you that deep.  If you do, you will witness and fan the flames of an amazing immolation that is taking place.  I did not start this fire, but I am certainly fanning these flames.

Yeshuah said “No one comes to the Father and Mother except by me.” What he meant was that there was not anyone else that he knew of who had what he had, which was awakening.  So while it sounds like he was bringing something novel to earth, he really wasn’t.  He KNEW there was no one else who had it. He had studied, he had spent years in meditation, and he had traveled widely. He KNEW that this was rare.  Very rare.  When he said that no one came to it except by him, he meant it.  If you wanted to learn about it at that time or in the middle east, Jesus was the man. But this was taken to mean that NO ONE else anywhere or at any other time EVER had this except the would-be god-man named Jesus.  What Jesus did, you can do.  I did.  Thousands of others have.  Many more will.  And this kindling of flame in our spirits and bodies will bring great change, such that has not been seen before.  Mark my words. At no other time have so many awakened all within such a short period of time.

It will continue.  It will continue because the spirit has said so.  The second coming of the Christ is this….and it is just now filling thousands of people who often have had no tie to religion.  That is because this is not about a chosen group but those who have managed to do enough work to loosen themselves from the moorings of their old way of being.  They have done the three things critical to awakening that exist with every person who has ever awakened.

You do not need a church.  Waking up means you no longer need the structure of someone telling you what is or is not right.  consensus reality is itself something that is riddled with madness.  Why would anyone want to be like anyone “normal” ever again?  And even saying this, I see how it is that the followers of this Christ tried their best to make a wonder-filled church which had bits and pieces of the gold which did not tarnish peeking out here and there along with lesser brass or coppers, all pretty in their own way, but which do change due to their error.  The pure spark, the pure flame, which is eternally lit in us will bring us all to the doorstep of the divine as soon as we each discover the place inside of us where flame or spark meets the tinder that aches to be set afire and burned to ash so a wonder may emerge….

I learned of my condition not by way of the Hindu but the Christian because I think I had a small score to settle with the world of those who would seek to make my master’s teachings into a polluted lake of stale purity.  The Father and the Mother shall join in ecstatic embrace knowing that their union births the transformative Christ Consciousness.  It is ever-so whether Druid, Native American, Christian, Hindu, Muslim,Judaic, Zoroastrian, or any other faith.  Waking up to this leads one to knowing through direct experience and the end of all systems, which supposedly exist to help us reach liberation.  No system has ever been able to contain it, yet those who have known it will speak of it, even vainly, in the hopes of helping others.  It is a fire which will burn, but it is also a fire that will transmute.  Resisting it is not a way to move forward…..but resisting may well be the lesson many of us are set to learn (myself included).

I wish you the best, and I hope that you find the tri-fold path that leads to this most wondrous of all transformations.

P.

Kundal goddessWhen I awoke, when I had that burst of energy up my spine that left me changed as a human being, I really only had at that time the one thing I had always had at my command to make heads or tails of this experience; observation.  I didn’t know what it was that was happening to me.  I wasn’t terribly scared, but I was alarmed a bit and wondered what on earth had happened.  Observation is a powerful thing.  This is what I observed in that first year….

Once I realized that this energy was going to stay with me and was not some accident or stumble into some unknown land, I began to observe what this thing was doing to me.  It wasn’t hard.  I just sat quietly and began to do a simple form of what I would later learn was Mindfulness.  I just watched.

As I observed, I noticed that my awareness seemed to clarify.  I realized that I had not looked so closely at myself.  I had taken myself, my insides for granted, I suppose.  It isn’t that I didn’t observe myself before because I certainly did in meditation that I had developed over the years that I developed that was a good fit for me.  But this form of observing myself was…..different.  And the energy in me was different, too!  I guess it was like a new day.  It was.  It is hard to compare anything from the old ways to this thing.  What I noticed was that as I got very quiet, I could really feel the bliss flowing through me. When my mind was stilled from the rush of a thousand things we endlessly think about and chatter to ourselves about in any given moment, I was just amazed at the WOOSH of bliss.

Looking at this bliss, I asked what it felt like.  What was it?  How would I describe it?  What I realized was that one side of me felt masculine while the other side felt feminine.  I wasn’t always completely sure which side was which, and other times, it was very clear.  What was always clear was that there was this feeling as though something was embracing within me.  Something was now in an embrace that was without end.  It was an endless moment of love and the bliss that we feel when we are with someone whom we love, whom we yearn for, whom we cannot get enough of.  I felt into myself and found that the more I placed my awareness on them, the stronger their embrace became.  It really was an embrace.  I saw my body from a distance and as I looked down at it I saw these two forces as a masculine warm energy and a feminine cooler energy.  The thought here is that hot goes to cool. The man is drawn to the woman, and she is receptive to her beloved.  That was how this energy was.  And there was an intelligence within it!  As I let go of the who what when where and why’s, and simply let go and let this amazing crazy thing happen in me, I felt their energy grow in the way that a gentle wind might fan the flames of a fire.  As this energy grew, I became distinctly aware of an energy beginning to form between these two columns that went up my torso.

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I didn’t know it, but I was describing kundalini.  I just wasn’t there yet.  I was there still observing, feeling into it, and wondering what on earth was happening to me.  I was lucky, I think, because it helped me to realize something hidden within Christianity that I had suspected, sensed, but did not know what it was….something had been missing, I knew it all my life growing up. There was a secret…..not some kind of conspiracy….just something hidden.  But what?  The answer came when I awoke.  The answer was there, and as I looked later, I saw it.  It was going to become plain as day.

Feeling into this this third energy, I thought about how I might describe it.  And really, it only had one description; it was a transcendental child.  It was the product of their union.  This was the most elegant image I could come up with.  And yet?  There was nobody there.  So odd.  And yet, there was someone there, a higher order consciousness was emerging within me and I was getting to observe this.  Something about consciousness could be described as a family unit!

I was at this early time in conversation with a pretty intuitive person who had gone to seminary but left because he found it too restrictive.  When I explained what I was feeling, he suggested that I take a look at the Nag Hammadi documents, those scrolls discovered in the desert of Egypt outside of the town the cache of documents is now named after.  These were early Christian documents that had a vocabulary that was very different from mainline Christianity.

As I read through some of these documents, two things stood out.  One, was that these old writings seemed just as riddled with distortive elements as any other Christian document, some because of translation errors, and others as a result of a story being told verbally enough that it changes or shifts depending on the person telling it.  There was enough evidence to show that these stories that make up the gospels were written  a good pace from the actual events.  Memory shifts, changes….and small misunderstandings creep in.  I say this because so much of what I read in these hidden documents were speaking directly to the experience of awakening.  The thing though, is reading the mainline gospels, the King James’s version, you might never catch on to what was being said….the deeper story.  For all its faults, these books were saying something pretty huge and the interesting thing is that they were the very first documents that I read that put me on the path to understanding what was going on with me.  Jesus was talking about Awakening!  The Kingdom, he said, was in us, all around us, and we see it not.  The Kingdom, he said to his followers, had already come, but they just didn’t know it.  They didn’t know it because they had not yet awakened. Did they wake up?  There is some suggestion that they at least got a taste of the Holy Ghost descending on them, but the degree to which they each tasted the elixir of this experience, I can only guess.

What I did find was Jesus saying “I am one with the father and the mother.”  Exactly.  He spoke about the death of the ego as the seminal event that takes place prior to moving mountains, the means by which the power of awakening is realized in ones life as evidenced in strange coincidences, small miracles, or synchronicities.  He spoke of this mother in a few places, yes, enough that it was clear that his followers had been told about it. Philip probably guaranteed that his gospel would never see the light of day when we mentioned the elephant in the room when he said, “Those who say Mary begat with the Holy Ghost are in error.  For when has a woman begot with another woman?”  He was pointing to a misunderstanding some had at the time about the family unit within human consciousness.  The Holy Ghost was the mother! Same as Shakti.  Same as Yin. And in Christianity, it is a very important missing piece.   It was not correct that the story would say she begot with a consciousness that was female, no, it would have been that she was overshadowed by the Father.  What this points to is how there may have been an effort to obfuscate the role that the feminine has within cosmic or Christ consciousness by effectively anonymizing her into a “ghost”  early on in the rise of Christianity as a path.  Perhaps even during Jesus’s own life, even.  It is clear his disciples bickered with each other, and did not “get” everything that Jesus was saying to them.  He even said so.  Were some of them simply dedicated to his cause but asleep?

The Ghost is this vast presence within all of matter, within all of creation, bred and born and replicated all through everything, and this ghost is She.  A vibration of energy, or consciousness, which we all seem to feel or know is part of the world dreaming, the creation, and is active in each and every moment that we are alive and rides on our own waves of creativity.  The more you are aware of this part of you, not as a literal woman, but something that is receptive, grace-filled, wonder-filled, and awe inspiring, the more that you can feel it.  Just as I sat and observed, the energy just went off the charts.  I am one with the Mother.  But to be one with her, she must lay upon my lips each moment.  In my journey, it has been easy and hard to do that, in turns.  I just keep asking, keep surrendering, keeping myself humble.  “Show me.  Please.  I am hard.  Soften me, melt me.  Take me apart; show me how I can be….different. Birth me anew.”

I will tell you that looking back into my past pre-awakening, for as artsy and right-brained as I was, I was also caught in the tide of paternalism as everyone here is.  There is so much that we are not even aware of that is taught, handed down, but not looked at. By not really looking at it, we leave it as it is and it remains static but alive in us.  This is how the generations can hand down behavior for thousands of years until something disrupts it, shakes things up, and changes things.  I woke up knowing there was this force in me, male and female-feeling.  I am returning to that awareness again, today, yesterday, last week, last month, asking it to teach me anew.  Teach me.  Show me. I need you in my life.  Soften me, break me apart.  Take me down to chaff and wheat.  Blow gently across my soul and leave only what is best in me.  Let the rest go.  I am ready.  I now know the love that you bear is powerful, once scary, now seen as so wise, so ruthless in its honesty.  I am the fool.  Make me into what I have not yet been able to become.  Maybe this is my practice…. If there is to be one.  I never really thought of myself as having a religion.  I haven’t. I have sought using my own compass to guide me. But silently, quietly, privately, I pray to the light.  I do.

This is not an abstraction for me.  It is right here, swirling in what the Taosits call the 10,000 things.  This presence is in everything, yin and yang, female and masculine-feeling.  It is the Shakti and her Siva.  And yet?  And there is nothing material there!  But there is Presence.  When my awareness opens to it, I feel something beautiful in me, that KNOWS the feminine superconsciousness because it is in some way inside of me.  Looking into myself, I see out into the multiverse.  You see, you CAN learn a lot by inquiring within.  We think we only learn by looking outward.  But the road goes both ways.  Look both ways.  Your parentage is waiting for you there.  They will help you to grow up.

For me, I let go of any expectations.  I have learned that the more I do this, the looser I am, the more ready I am for a strong wind to blow my petals open and spread the seed, or the chaff, or whatever it is that needs to go.  There is an overarching presence that is not without purpose.  You can think me crazy, I don’t really care.  But it is true.  It is beyond any religion, beyond any need to believe or spin stories or tales, even as we try to do just that.  In the midst of it, this coarse self, so hardened, so unmade, dissembled, is somehow redeemed.  I am shown the way to BE. And for years, I have slowly learned how, the way one might learn a dance. But this dance requires that I do these dance steps each and every moment.  Every breath, every moment turns into a prayer.  This prayer is not for anything except to learn to be like “it.”  “Please show me” I ask it.  It is as if it is aware of me but says nothing.  It knows just as I know that the only way is for me to surrender to its presence.  Its hands are like a strong-handed doctor reaching into your being and taking out what does not belong.  Sometimes this is just hard. Sometimes it is easy.  Sometimes I am afraid.  And this is the insanity I have practiced all these lifetimes, round and round; I have desired the devil I have known instead of the angel that I could become.  Maybe I feared change.  Maybe I was simply addicted to chaos.  Maybe I wanted to be right even though deep down I knew I was wrong.  Wrong!  But wrong how?

Wrong in how I chose to see, to feel, to be.  I say I was born into this life and was raised with no choice in the matter, but I now know that is not true.  I was DRAWN to this place, this time, this life, as a being living outside of time, within all possibility.  We are all immortals, taking on bodies.  How silly to try and set people up for being responsible for our own self-chosen journey!  And how powerless, too, we make ourselves by thinking this way.  Doing this has weakened my root centers, giving me no end of trouble, and trouble to others.  Something whispers that it must be strengthened with truth.  Sweet brutal truth.  It means turning away from the fault being any others but my own.  Always making judgements that were less about the world and more about my own broken record of a story.  I was, and still am, on this merry go round.  But the only difference is that with all of the chaff that has blown away since all of this began in 2007-ish, I know I am getting down to the most major end of the big stuff that has held me up and had me tied in knots.  No one else is responsible for how I feel except myself.  I was always there defining the moment in terms of light and dark, good or bad.  How does one, so soaked in sleep know how to be as one who is awake.

But aren’t I awake?  Now that is the rub, my friends.  It is what we each must bear in mind.  When you awaken, you are given this great gift, but you get that gift based on where you are in your accumulation or loss of the inner material that does not serve you.  You awaken amidst a giant garbage heap that is your self.  Awake, the work is to remove this garbage. For me, the awareness of this was early when I asked this energy what it was doing.  It showed me.  We were to get to work on a kind of inventory and release the stuff, the baggage, the STUFF once and for all.  So for a time, you have this remainder.  The idea that we wake up and simply change like a snap of fingers is itself not really true.  Even Buddha worked on this thing he found under that tree.  the realization is one thing, the becoming is another.  You have to cross over from shadow into light.  We have all been dancing in the shadows without fully realizing it.

These are notions and expectations and beliefs that are simply not in alignment with what IS.  Whatever we are not in alignment with is like being an adulterer to our higher nature.  It is a turning away.  This, I have said over and over, is the very nexus of what we think of as negative karma.  If you want to have good karma, you will learn to know who you are deep down and seek your authentic being, the father and mother within, and know them intimately.  They alone will save you.  No church outside of you will be able to do it.  So powerful is this force that it will take you apart to the degree that you just trust its mighty force.

I am praying, you see.  All of this, is nothing more than my prayers.  Always has been.  Find your own prayer, feel deep within and ask yourself where your error lies.  This is not something you will be able to rationally know.  it is what you will feel as a simple certainty, or a dreadful sense that you are just on the wrong path.  And yet?  And yet, we so often stay on that path because it is…..familiar.  Boom.  Wow.

Could it be so easy to turn over the cart and begin an entirely new journey?  How many times have you tried to change for another person in order that your very being would fit into their lives?  How often has your own nature come into conflict with others in a way that it made you feel bad to be you?  When one is resting in the authentic self, anyone who seeks to change you is themselves living in illusion.  Didn’t the Hindus say that all of this is an illusion, a dream?  Well…..I prefer to see it as a creation, full of possibility, a grand chalk board of a place where we get to discover and create wildly.  But within us…..is there a splinter?  A pain?  A hurt?  A feeling of something not fulfilled?  Our real selves are fulfilled already, needing precious little except to feel bliss and absorb the moment.  Do this, or do that, it is your freewill.  But when you come across something that feels like resistance, look within and ask yourself; is it you or them?  And maybe it is them.  And later, you might realize it was both….both of you mirroring in a place of “illusion” or delusional feeling and thinking.  My task, at least, is to find the highest.  Me, I am a bit of a glorious mess, but there is something inside of me that is perfect.  I will for now seek that, for the mother will heal, the father inspire, and the two will show me that we are two-into-three-as-one.

For me, as a descendent of the world or the paternal journey, it is now my journey to open up to the softening of the feminine super consciousness.  It is time to get to know the Mother.

So don’t think that I am someone who has it all down.  I don’t.  I am here praying, I am here singing to the light because I am a creature of the physical.  I am creative…..in my own way, these are my prayers.  So take them as that.  I am not here as any proclaimer of anyone else’s truth.  We each find it ourselves.  And maybe you might wonder what the point is.  It seems that this is how it all comes down.  Increasingly, as you will notice, I have become less and less verbose.  I sometimes wonder, what is the point, really, when it is so clear that we each have that compass point within us.  We each have to realize it.  No one can do it for us.  The inevitability of it was spoken to me in the first weeks of awakening as I passed over a river and felt it speak: “It is inevitable that you will return to the ocean…”  I had no idea what it meant then, but something in me seemed to know. We are each like fish swimming from creeks to ocean and back again.  We know the way.  We do.  You just need to keep it simple because the relationship of these forces in you are also simple, ubiquitous.  Thank goodness.

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