Archives for posts with tag: kriya

0a63b-tantra_yabyumI have been an ardent seeker my whole life, but my seeking was singular in the sense that I always felt that whatever truths might exist for me to discover would be somehow found within.  I was not always like this, for when I first felt that deep urging within me, I was all of nine and knew that something, some great secret, had somehow been hidden away from me, and from all of us.  I did not know then that this secret was hidden away within each and every one of us, and so I sought to find the answer outside, in the things which were hidden or taboo.  My reasoning was that if there had been something indeed hidden, it would be likely hidden in those places where we had placed taboos on their access somehow so that no one would bother go looking.  This seemed most plausible.  By age thirteen, though, I began to sense that somehow this was not without but within.  It began with an intuition about how we sense reality and the role of the individual in sensing this reality. It expressed itself as the world not being quite what it appeared to be and fueled an almost conspiratorial sense that things were not quite the way we thought they were.  In very short order I would read a book that would speak many of these core intuitions back to me.  It was a book by Jane Roberts and her trance personality Seth who proclaimed that we create our own reality and that our sensing of reality is itself very personal, individual, and while we each see the same tree and sky, we also choose to see it a certain way.  It is this choosing that would become the basis for the undoing of so much inside of me when I experienced awakening many years later.  I did not know then that our own inner biases about HOW we though the world was would play so heavily in what I would eventually come to face.

I have, perhaps, as a result of my own journey and predilection for seeking within, have always sought the source of things and not just how they seemed to appear either directly or through the lens of our own bias, our own karma.  Bias is easy enough to overcome, but karma is harder.  Karma, though, I have learned, can be completely undone and is the greatest liberator of all, for its bias lies deeper yet within us and moves without our awareness always.  By bringing the force of awakening to the fore, it was enough to also bear awareness in greater degrees.   Surely energy is consciousness and consciousness is awareness just as awakening has shown these years.  It is also curious that we do not simply do what we wish to do, but to do what we are, what we are in our larger context, which itself is not always glimpsed in the day to day but in those often rare moments when we feel an acceleration of consciousness and begin to see things in a larger context, an undeniable one, and the self begins to turn within itself so that it sees things from a different perspective, often a more honest one.  If yoga is about union, then what is the purpose of all of the positions and methods and poses?  Its a highly developed system, and so if union is the goal, then what is it that yoga does on a physical level to feed into us a sense or feeling of union?  And what is union?  That may sound like a too-simple question to ask, but it is what I know is a question that has all kinds of realizations that go unnoticed by many for the very fact that if yoga worked so well, we would all be experiencing a deep abiding sense of union. True union resolves us back into our authentic selves, beyond karma, beyond bias, beyond what we have adopted based on a fear of how we think we should be or ought to be.  If there is a false self, then it is this self.  Otherwise, all that we choose to be is the gift we have received from the Creator which is that of freewill.  Saying something is false is like saying we are not being honest with ourselves, and if that is the meaning, then it is true.  So much of awakening is about unwinding the great cosmic spring of our vitality to find that the spring was wound the wrong way.  The current of energy reverses, the world changes, we follow a new path which others do not always understand, appreciate, or value.  Much of what we do, then, becomes a silent prayer, a silent process that is true to no other but our own selves.  The self re-learns, remakes, is destroyed to be rebuilt again, but built in a manner that is more honest, true, and satisfying.

The essence of union is the removal of all that divides you from this one thing that your consciousness rides upon, is carried by, and is a part of.  Through an awareness of self, of ego, through the left brain operations of object and self, we create an appearance of separation that only exists as a kind of conceptual construct.  But like all constructs, once erected in our consciousness, it begins to work like all constructions work; unaided and with fidelity to the rules under which it was installed with in the first place.  Beliefs are this way and if you have any question about the power of belief, all you need to do is look at how a country can move its populace to war under the slimmest and weakest of pretenses.  It is all a carefully understood process that involves the left brain and ego.  It is amazingly simple to do and it is done very well by those with an understanding of it whether conscious or not.  These things are the manipulation and creation of belief and it is ego that identifies with them and will hold onto them for the simple truth that ego is installed centrally in most people rather than peripherally.  This is why upon awakening and the movement of ego away from the central font of awareness that those thus awakened are much harder to manipulate in this way.  The old process no longer works quite as effectively.  It still works to the degree that ego rests near the center of the self, but less as ego moves to the back of the bus.  When you go through awakening the sheer force of the energy now moving in your awareness shifts and changes these beliefs and positions…..and even then, it can be a mighty struggle for some to undo the programming.  For me, I unknowingly struggled with this shift in me for many months until ego was gradually shifted to the side of my awareness so that it did not act as controlling agent in my consciousness as it had previously.  It was then that greater union was possible for the simple reason that more had been moved out of the way to allow greater flows of energy to move in me.  Simple.

But this was all done without yoga as one commonly thinks of it, and yet, all that I have done has been a constant process of it.  Every day I sought union within, quietly, silently, feeling into those places that served up a sense of resistance and letting kundalini wash away the resistance.  I will say that I did do Qi Gung as a moving method for helping to assist in removing blocks.  While we may want to think of awakening or kundalini as some exotic energy that is entirely nonphysical, it is not  It makes up everything here and is wed to the physical just as it is wed to the spiritual.  So what we do in the physical can create an effect on it just as how our thinking and feeling can have an effect upon it as well.  It is not one or the other, but both. the body is the soul IN FLESH.  Both sides of the coin benefit from the presence of life force, of prana moving through them and is the result of sound integration of it within both.  So while I know that physical disciplines can work if you know what they seek to achieve, and sometimes even when you do not, some of the methods are there to guide you to a way of feeling.  Kundalini is always here with us.  What makes the difference in feeling it is our awareness.  So how does a posture help with awareness?

As I have said, I do not do yoga, not as one would normally think of it, and yet if the core of yoga is to be known or understood, my life has been the very essence of it.  I am aware, however, of lives spent in the East.  I know that I have spent many lives in silent meditation.  All of it has helped in what is happening in this life I am sure.  But I am more than a Tibetan in Lhasa or in Angor Watt.  I have sat atop mountains in California’s Yosemite Valley and watched as the Thunder Beings moved very quickly towards me, beings that spoke of a day in the future when the earth would be going through changes, a time when the “Great Wheel comes full turn.”  It was in experiences such as these that I was shown that I and the Thunder Beings were in truth one and the same, that my higher self WAS that self and that through accelerations of consciousness (which some called “altered states” which is a term I do not like for how misleading it is), our own consciousness expands to become aware of larger dimensions of itself and of reality.  It is curious and telling that I have no other recollections from the past that served to bear such incredible flows of energy, of consciousness, into my awareness as simply sitting atop a mountain crying for a vision as that experience with the Beings in the storm did.  For me, it is a lesson to my own self here and now that by simply removing that which divides us, we may inherit our birthright, or realize it in the moment.  It waits for each of us as surely as the dawn.

All of this has led me to the inescapable conclusion of how consciousness works and how we have access to still larger realms of awareness, which is a recall of what we truly are in all of our potential.  These experiences, for me, help to form a core teaching or reminder of what we are and that as humans, we contain a lot of material that serves to block our view of this world waiting to happen to us through an act as simple as becoming aware.

In my life I have observed the function of two sides to our awareness and both of these have corresponded to the left and right hemispheres of our brain.  One side of us is incredibly restricted in what it can do and how it processes information, but it is a necessary agent in our lives.  This part of us is the left brain operation and the brain itself mirrors a certain part our own consciousness.  This part of us is necessary for being able to get anything done that is sequential in the world.  Without it, we would not know what comes next, or how to put a clock back together, make logical and sequential rationalizations.   The other side could not be more different because it sees wholes instead of parts.  It has the capacity to ponder the infinite and does.  It is not so restricted as the left but it also does not have all the answers either.  It might be able to glimpse incredible realms but it wont know how they work exactly.  That is the plodding job of the left brain.  And yet, these two worlds can be made to converge, in UNION with one another, to create a cooperative sense of realization.

When union, these two sides of us can serve to create a new synthesis.  Their union is the essence of creation.  You see it everywhere you look where opposites, attracted, merge and there is an explosion of energy.  Always.  Sometimes the explosion is destructive, sometimes we consider it creative.  And yet, when the two currents of consciousness within us merge we call it inspiration.  We see the world anew, we break ourselves out of our old conceptualizations in order to consider something different.  This merging is in no way within the box at least for that brief moment when the incandescent energy of union happens, the kind of orgasm of the mind which is the same orgasmic energy we feel when we awaken, something that is the result of UNION.  It is the same when a woman and a man make love. It is so with all forms of union whether conceptual or physically literal.  This union can happen within the self,  within couples, groups, and even institutions, all in accord to how they are made to move energy. While the union of sex may feel different from the union of the self, a similar kind of energy is created and is nonetheless just as liberating.  Energy is energy and it takes on different effects as it moves through the different wheels of our own energetic realization, which we have come to call chakras.  Even the chakras, themselves, are “lobed” to carry both masculine and feminine energies, the yin and yang.

Why My Yoga Does not Bear Kriyas

It is interesting to me that it is mentioned that those who awaken experience something called kriyas, a kind of involuntary movement in the body which is a physical feature of assisting with the flow of energy through it.  While I have experienced some of these, I have not experienced them a lot.  I have thought about this and it has occurred to me that the reason why these jerking motions have not happened so much is because my own consciousness has been focused on moving this energy within it in less physical ways.  I am aware because of my work in art that there is a subtle flow of energy and an interaction between left and right brain in order to bring about what we call inspiration. The energy is moving through less physical channels and is being assisted through the self and the neurophysiology.  I am not here to say it is preferred because I know that there is no one way to go about this, but only to point out that this is one tool that can exist in your toolbox for how to assist in e greater flow of energy through you.  Certainly, physical movement helps.  Sometimes it doesn’t even need to be Qi Gung or yoga.  Just MOVING the body helps  A nice walk, a run, or even just moving your arms around so the core of your body is not so rigid is very freeing to energy.  Because so much energy is taken up in what I’d call more dream experiences, not literal dreaming, but in subtle accelerations of consciousness, I tend not to experience so many of these jerking movements.

At a certain point, which I identify with the period of time in which the ego was moved to the side of my awareness more (to the back of the bus as I often say), I began to experience these very quiet and expansive states of awareness in which thought itself was entirely stilled.  Over time, this stillness of thought has become more of a feature of my makeup.  It isn’t that I can’t think, I do, but that there is simply less chatter and more….observation….of everything.  This was first introduced to me many years ago while I was driving late at night and saw in my inner vision a presence that was practicing this “quiet presence of mind” as he looked back at me.  I found at the time that I could not practice this same quietness of mind and found the encounter to be interesting but also beyond my ability.  In truth, I think it was within my capacity, I was simply not living a life that was conducive to that sort of thing.  But I am glad that the presence who came did at least introduce it to me.  Only later did I see the same face on the back cover of a book on Japanese Zen and in that same book the person describes the same emptiness of mind and quieting of thoughts.  it seems it is a pretty universal experience.  What I think I was afraid of was that it would empty me, that I might lose something of myself at the time that this happened. We seem to fear obliteration, and for as much as some monks and yogis seek to do just that, the self continues to be. And not just be, but it evolves as we ourselves are aware of still “higher” states of awareness where there is another identity much like our own here now, but more advanced….perhaps more refined.  The sense of self and ego is an important part of what we have created for ourselves here. However, learning to move some of it into a more harmonious position is itself  what has aided in helping with still deeper ranges of union within the self and with others.

Everything Can Be Yoga

For me, everything has become yoga, but it is not itself a physical exercise.  I do not sit on a mat, but rather I observe quietly and intently as my hands move together to wash dishes, or to make tea, or to rake leaves.  My yoga creates a space of presence that is not mental only but is like a presence that opens up the cover to a deep well where my soul enters into the moment so that small self and larger self merge and experience union within, which brings bliss.  As I give myself over, I realize that this feeling of yoga, or union, is like giving myself to a lover.  I feel the yin current in my consciousness open unabashed to show me how to open to the universe of me and the All by simply surrendering so that world womb may touch soul womb so that my yin womb may feel all of this in ladder-like fashion as heaven descends into me.  This is, you see, the secret of Heiros Gamos, the union of the two currents in us, in consciousness, in our bodies, and in the universe.  It is all of this, undivided, and yet our own consciousness, by not being in union, chops up the thread or current so it SEEMS to be separate.  When I give myself over to it, all thought stops and feeling begins.  This is why I find the words of so many teachers who speak of feeling as being the enemy.  What do these poor minds know?  The way to the All is through feeling!  And yet, unless you yourself have experienced this enough to know it well, you might be tempted to believe these very authoritarian people who have entirely missed the boat.  I suspect it is because they still are caught up in the thousands of years’ worth of paternalistic and left-brained functioning that has gripped our species for so long.  I hope that they themselves can feel this rich and delicious experience of the feminine side of their being without fear or queasiness and know that we are all like this….that you cannot experience the feminine as a male and not be able to know the All.  You can’t just feel it a little….but the more you feel the feminine, the more you can feel the ALL.  And it isn’t because the feminine brings the missing pieces, but because she has been hidden.  Its been buried under layers of denial and chauvinism for centuries, millenia.  When the yin side is opened, we feel it so strongly and identify it as kundalini because all of us, women and men, have become so used to the masculine awareness. The feminine current has nearly been lost on the planet.  And I am sorry for those women who are reading my words.  I know it might seem like I do not know the truth of your own experience AS female, but what I am writing about it the yin current, which has the capacity to bring the deeper range of the feminine experience into the world. Yes, women are here and yes they do experience a wide array of perspectives by simply being in flesh as female, but there is a vast amount of feminine awareness that simply does not exist just yet in the world.  It is like a woman holds a cup of water, which is her feminine nature and thinks that this is what she is, but what I have seen and felt is that she is a vast surging ocean, unlimited and wondrous.  If you reflect on the world and its ways, you will surely realize that this surging sea has never had any real place here because all of us, women and men alike, have been so shut down.  What matter does it make when I look at the world of women and see such vast seas churning silently and without awareness, within them?  They would all get mad at me to presume, as a MAN to say such a thing.  Truth is, we just are not aware of just how dumbed down we have become, or how limited we have been in our experience of the feminine.  And one more thing; I suspect that we have done all of this for the very reason that SHE feels so incredibly good.  Suckling at the breast without a fear in the world, feeling her depths in love, being carried away within her is pure ecstasy.  And loss of control.  Our world has been a model of control….rigid control that you don’t begin to appreciate until you feel this restless sea churning beneath you….churning beneath all of us.

So my yoga is tantra.  It is this moment by moment attempt, at least, of seeking union within.  It isn’t even about sex, but about larger archetypes and energies that we can learn from and evolve with, and how integrating this into ourselves actually changes the patterns IN OUR CELLS.  If we have lost our ancient knowledge of the feminine, then it is here in such a place that we can find it.  Silently, as I move my hands to the coffee pot, I feel the yin current move through me and I feel a stab of bliss that is like a petal opening deep within me that pushes all the petals behind it open.  It is like being taken, seduced by this warm presence that makes me realize that I can be opened entirely, taken apart entirely, loosened and cracked and given a means to flow more surely.  My own masculine is like the force that opens up ancient creek beds so that my own vital force may flow down into the sea and know itself as itself connected to still larger portions of itself.  This is my union, this is my yoga and none of it is done through any movement of the body but in a quiet realization that MUST happen here or else it cannot be realized in the physical.  And I wont say I have it all worked out, for just as a creek must join with larger portions of itself without any resistance, so too must I join larger portions of myself without similar resistance, and just as a creek learns to know it is a might river at other parts of itself, so too do I realize what I am in its larger context.  Ego is not always so agreeable, or the self so courageous.  It is like any discipline, a practice where I slowly but surely release the blockages in my own cellular and etheric memory so that I wipe the slate clean so that I might dream something anew.  Until those old programs are running, I am a prisoner in some fashion to them.

Last night I had a dream that helped to illustrate what I have known for years now, which is that it is possible to reset our inner programming and erase ancient patterns by connecting with those aspects of ourselves which do not have such patterning.  A life lived on another planet, seemingly foreign to us, could well have been lived in order to pick up an example of a template that could be used “later” by a self waking up.  Certainly our world does not have a lot of good examples for how to be enlightened.  Perhaps it can be reintroduced from somewhere else.  I am not sure that it can be found here on this planet since so much of our journey has been one of collective self loathing, manipulation, murder and mayhem.  By being able to culture a new template, we can learn how others have managed to do it and escape that very precarious position in evolution where technology begins to outstrip our own commons sense.  I think if you look around you can see the trap that our own technological advancement has brought.  And yet, we work hard to not let that impact us negatively.  Sometimes we give in and do silly things.  And yet, this is our story.  Maybe we will get our act together and grow a world that is just and compassionate and much more awake and aware of itself, its connection to all things, and how it is only existing within a small portion of its physical potential.

There is nothing more important to me than to do this, this type of yoga.  It is quiet and requires no teacher or guru, but it is true and makes me realize we all have this amazing resource at our fingertips.  It is what we seek, what we yearn for, what we hunger for and it is only as far from us as the beating of our own heart.  The authority does not exist outside of you, it is well within you and will work if you simply let it have a voice in your life.  Authority from the past may be in error; things change, we change, the world changes.  Not everything is as rock solid as we think.  Some have said what I did was not possible, to awaken as I did, and yet, thousands have awakened in just this “impossible” way.  So what voice do you listen to?  Clearly, the best voice is to listen to your own.  Have courage, it will lead you where you need to go. Indeed, it has led you to this place, reading this here and now.

What do you think it is telling you?

As ice and snow fall down around my house, a day full of working in art with my students, I get to come here and tell you about a wonderful thing that waits for you that is so beautiful, so breathtaking that you just. Would. Not.  Believe.  In fact, it is something I have hesitated mentioning because I knew there is no way to convey how incredible this thing is.  But somehow, I must.  Like poets writing and scribbling day after day poems about love, catching bit and pieces and sometimes entire swaths of it, I surely must try to do this justice.

I never knew anything like this existed.  It lay ahead of me like some sweet juicy secret.  It only came when I had done enough “work” at shedding material from myself I suppose.  It also came when my kundalini went into overdrive.  Huge waves of it would come, first giving me a day full of nausea and then the nearly overpowering waves would hit.  For as sexual as kundalini is for people, what I was experiencing felt like trying to stand up in the midst of a tsunami wave coming in.  It was a little scary I will admit because I could tell by the nausea the day before just how strong it was going to be.  These were those days when kundalini would come washing in over me and would press HARD against every weak spot to try to find a place for release, for flow.  I was tightly sealed, a nice hermetically bounded lock box at that point, a year and a half into awakening and thinking I had it all down.  This was before ego had gone through its collapse, a long drawn out affair where I held on without realizing what on earth I was holding on to. How do you dissolve an instinct?  This was what it felt like, like I was seeking to dissolve something that was instinctual.  I felt backed into a corner and I just. Didn’t.  Know. Why.

I suppose, I think, that this is how it is with many who feel the rush of kundalini come on after having already awakened; entirely new waves come onto the scene as the self unwittingly calls out the genie from the bottle, which was exactly what I had been doing without fully realizing it. I had been questioning some things about what others had been saying was a fixture of the experience, the soul connection (also called a Twin Flame or twin Ray) and it just seemed like so much of it was built on half knowing and a lot of inconsistent information that simply was not my experience.  Blissful, yes, but not the be-all that some people were trying to suggest.   The problem was how some were trying to say that a twin soul would never be mean, could never hurt you, and knew you better than anyone else.  I found that this twin was hard, mean, and punishing.  I found that she was chaotic, hurtful, and unable to control her emotions and would fly into rages and say some of the meanest things.  The curious thing was that this was a pattern alive in my life, with my ex wife, and with others who would be connected to me.  It seemed to me that this was more a case of the Emperor having no clothes, and something just wasn’t right with all of it.  So it led me to question a lot of things, and this, it seems, was the catalyst for a sudden and powerful shift and change in my experience.  Little did I know at the time that I was letting some genie out of the bottle.  After the genie had already come out of the bottle.  Or so I had thought.  Which is a way for me to explain that there are levels to this, depths which you may well reach.  Once you feel you have reached or attained some great heights, there is always a higher mountain.  But it in no way lessens the epiphany-like revelatory-filled moment when you release something that had limited you unknowingly for years, perhaps lifetimes.  And yet, it is on to the next step, the next block, the next realization as though the world you are now in is a new one.  It is as though one traverses new worlds each day, versions of a world that piece by piece, clarifies or gets brighter.  this isn’t even a metaphor, but how it actually becomes, and the events in each world do change as you swim laterally agains the current of this mighty river of worlds and find yourself in the same world, but a different one.  Tomorrow, the piece I will write will exist in another world yet still be in this one.  An infinity of them exist, I suspect, what Jane Robert’s Seth describes as the “Unknown Reality” which is simply probable realities which exist most definitely.  I had just dipped my toe in and something was pulling me, dragging me off the continental shelf of the ocean of my  being.  Into the deep water. Into the dark to do work with the shadow, to undo me, to shift ego, to soften me, to heal me, to zero-point me to some other place my soul obviously yearned to be.

It had been not long before that that a being, a man,  showed up in my room.  He was very tall and he had these piercing light blue eyes.  He had in fact been in my life before during a time of heightened awareness, year-long “summer of awakening” of sorts where I saw him as I lay in bed.  He had shown himself to me in his forms, and this was curious because he would show up as an old man, a young man, or middle-aged.  He would appear differently to me, but his eyes always had the same look.  At the time that he came to me, I had not been shown that he was the same being that had come to me some 23 years previously.  He was just a sudden and very large presence in the room.  There was nothing at all about the experience that was the least bit concerning.  I felt peace and calm in his presence.  He stood close enough so I could see him in my inner vision.

Something happens when the third eye region is activated; it is a subtle shift with eyes closed to feeling as if your inner eyes are open. I had always though of this as “astral sight” which always came on just before I would project out of my body.  I would suddenly feel as if my eyes were wide open and I could see the whole room.  Only thing was my physical eyes were closed.  But this was what I was experiencing and this being told me his name, that he was a Seraphim.  He said it twice to make sure that I got it.  Like it was important somehow. Not being an angel person, I only dimly knew that this was some type of angel.  He proceeded to reach directly into my heart center and he pulled something out of me that took me completely by surprise.  It felt like he had pulled my insides out.  I had the awareness of something dark and old and dead that he had pulled out.  Information in this moment of contact flowed through me so fast it is hard to even explain the rate at which all of this happened. I was “told” or I knew in an instant that this was the “body” of old “expired” karmas that needed to just go and which had lost all their power but that were occupying space in my field.  I was shown a series of foods to eat as I was contemplating a fast. A stream of information flowed through his touch while he reached into my chest, my heart chakra and said, “You are more beautiful without this.”  It was as quick as quick could be.  He admonished me not to try and take this material back into me and he explained he was going to show this to “Source.”  The effect after he had done this was a very clear and vivid sense as though I had something quite real removed from me.  My body felt less cluttered, clearer.  It was as if I had a body inside of me taking up space that was then suddenly pulled out.  This resulted in my lungs feeling different.  I felt a point at the rear of both lungs for days that had a sensation associated that felt as if something had been torn away.  My throat chakra area also felt like something had been pulled through it.  A long standing block in my throat was gone.  I was unable to sing for nearly a year after this because how my muscles worked now were different.  I grew up with this tightness in my throat and had learned to sing with it in the way.  It had affected my voice, how it felt, and how I used it.  Now, all of that was gone.  It was a very physical feeling even though I realized all of this was energetic.  This is an important reminder to those awakening that some physical sensations are often etheric.  People who go out of body often don’t realize they are out of their bodies and will go to turn on a switch only to find their hand goes through the wall.  This is because the world of the etheric, although not physical, is a very real place that is the next level removed from the physical yet occupies the same space.  It is the energetic counterpart to the physical.  It is like the soul of the world just as you body has a soul in the physical organism.  This should cause you some pause because it means that all things contain an energetic blueprint, that all is energy, that all has sentience even if your own senses cannot pick it up.  Chief Seattle, when he spoke of humans being part of the web of life was very likely speaking directly to the reality that all things are connected by this vast webwork of energy that unites all things.

While he was reaching into me I felt something that is simply indescribable.  It was a pulse of love so powerful, it was like becoming a conduit for a high powered power line…..except it was love energy.  My body rippled and flowed and pulsed with this energy.  I was amazed and observed so carefully as if everything was going by slowly.  This was the most amazing thing ever!  I wanted to understand it, to know it, to become it, to learn how to BE this energy, to live in it in the day to day.  If I could do this one simple thing, I knew all would be perfect.  As it was, I could not imagine how I could manage to anchor or hold this energy for any length of time.  My mind was a whirl of things as all of this took place.  It was kind of silly that I wanted to know this thing because there was not trying, there was only experience.  I KNEW this.  But I wanted to soak it up, to remember it, to know it so deeply and remember it in case I ever felt myself lost or removed from it somehow.

Then, a few months after this event took place, and my then-wife thought I had gone around the bend, I was sitting scanning a book online that was about Nondual Saivism.  It was something about the triadic heart of Shiva.  The title of the book got my attention because in my experience, the triad was pretty big, three forces I felt in this energy even before I knew it had a name, so I took notice (even though I had not done much reading in any depth about any of this stuff). The triad was important to me;  Mother, Father, Child (Christ).  As I read this book, I suddenly felt something in me let go.  Something in me just surrendered so deep to the love and bliss that would come that I felt it blow through me with a force so strong that my back arched upward, my head flew back and I was unable to do anything except feel with every piece of me this wonderful feeling. All of this was centered in the heart.  The heart just trembled, trebled, and flew open.  The sensation was of my heart chakra opening in a way it had never done before on its own.  This feeling was much like the Seraphim who had come to me that night.  This time I was opening up to it. I observed what was happening in the moment. To say that I felt like a bride ready for the bridegroom would be accurate, and is actually the same metaphors the early Christians used in describing the bliss of this experience in awakening.  This was the sensibility that being one with the Mother (the divine feminine) allowed me, and which showed me how to be so deeply receptive.

I will tell you that my state of mind in times like these multiplies into a host of channels or tracks.  It isn’t that I split, but that I enlarge.  Parts of me that may not be focused here now move into sharper focus and I find I can use them while also being in other states of consciousness all at the same time.  It is a lot like having a series of processors in a computer that can process all at different speeds or vibrations.  I can have a very rational part of me active while having a deep mystical side active while also having several other parts of me operating in their own native environment, all without any sense of paradox or contradiction/  It is very much like how we usually operate in the day to day with all the parts or sides to ourselves except it has been taken up a few notches. I do not become blind to the world, I do not even lose my normal focus in the world.  It is more as if my consciousness forms a kind of….tube that expands outward.

Imagine that consciousness is like those antennas on stereos and rabbit ears on televisions.  Each section extends outward, with one end getting wider while the other end is narrower.  Well, my consciousness was all there, but had this extension or added dimension to it.  Something in me was expanding outward and what was expanding did not take away to my normal focus but added to it, creating a rich experience in the moment.  In moments like these I can have a part of me that is incredibly focused, almost as if I am suddenly composed of many people all taking notes and taking it all in.  This one part of me just observed carefully. What I noticed, that seemed so terribly important to explain is that this superstate is in fact possible by making a choice.  This choice is in letting go or letting down all your walls in a rather radical way.  But if you do let these walls down in this complete way there is nothing else in your awareness except what floods in.  It is very much like your psyche has been holding back a whole realm of experience.  It isn’t even that you haven’t discovered awakening, it is that you have actually been willfully but unknowingly holding it back.  Scared. Afraid it would turn you into a murmuring crazed lunatic.  Like you would lose all control when it comes around you.  And yes, you would lose control, but only because you chose to let go.  But in letting go, the curious thing is, we step into this wonderful superstate that is beautiful bliss, love, wonder, and awe. But at the same time, you can think about the grocery list and how you need to get taxes done.  The only difference is that here, nothing bothers you.  It can’t.  How could it?  Well, at least, that was my experience.

Bread, milk…..blueberries..detergent…kale….green onions….sprouts….baking powder….vibrating…

Then another part of you is just in this wonderfilled space.  How can I even explain it?  But we get there through a choice to let it go.  All of it.  All of what we are.  What if you just completely disrobed before the All and let yourself be completely naked before it and just let go?  That was what I had done.  Something in me was just tired of business as usual.  Kundalini had settled in and was working its magic for me, sure, but this.  This was a whole other gear.  And to think we can get there by just doing it, by choosing it.  As I watched carefully, I saw how I chose to let go, that this was perhaps an uncommon sort of letting go, but it was ALL a choice.  It was not an accident, it was not some unknown.  This was all under our control.  And that was the problem; we have been trying to control all the wrong things….and then calling it “normal.”  The world, you know, is really quite mad, by the way.  I just thought you should know that.

The odd thing was that I continued reading and found the book explaining what I had just experienced half a page later.  I would find that I would begin to have these odd “anticipatory” experiences while reading certain books.  Certain ones on things like this.  Old books. It felt like to me that the higher self was saying “You do not need a book to tell you about this experience; you can experience it directly as all people can.  Why read about it when it is in you to be?”

Later that day as I was working in the studio, it came again.  I was grinding glass on a flat mill grinder, covered in water spray and a fine powder of glass.  My head arched back and I felt my body move into a convulsive state. My chest rose upwards and I just wanted IT to take me, to take my heart.  “This is what they mean when they talk about kriyas,” I thought to myself.  It felt GOOD to just let my body go and follow the flow of this energy.  This was the posture of bliss. This is the position our bodies go into when we experience incredible pleasure.  It is the opposite from the fetal position which is a protective blocking pose.  I was pulled into this force, part of it, originating within it and coming to it and becoming it all at once.  Once this happened, I went back to grinding the glass and just feeling into this earthquake of sorts.  Again, the same observation; this was not automatic or accidental, but allowed, a deep level choosing and very willful.  Something in me was learning how to just let go completely, wildly, wonderfully.  Something in me, like a shutter, was opening wide.  It was my heart that was opening wide and the main locus of the force was flowing into and out of my heart center.  It felt as if my heart had opened unimaginably wide, impossibly wide, and nothing could stop what was a natural force that would then flow through it.  It was as I had discovered that in the body there are all these hidden switches, like a hidden switch box in the basement you never realized was even there…. that if tripped, would send a thousand volts of pure love ecstasy shooting through me.  I realized, too, that the tsunami waves that I had experienced earlier on in my awakening that gave me a great deal of anxiety was part of this same energy.  The difference in how I was experiencing it now was that I was embracing it in such an innocent and direct way, which was what made all the difference.  Just a year before, this force was like a hairy 800 pound gorilla that would glower at me from the corner of the studio, ready for me to go to bed so it could clobber me.  Curious how it all changed and so drastically.  Well, it didn’t change; my perception did because my feelings changed.  I had let go of enough fear that it could be seen differently.  I surrendered.

So what are these experiences?  Do they have a name?

These apparently DO have a name and they are called Heart Openings.  They are simply earth shaking experiences that will show to you the potential and possibility that lies locked up inside each of us. These experiences are singular, but also greatly empowering in their scope, effect, and potential. These are the experiences that this angelic being would tell me when I was so tied up within myself that I would know if I could just stop getting so tangled up in my old feelings of hurt and old pain.  “You would not be doing this if you knew what lay on the other side of this” he would say.  I would nod in acknowledgement and wince through the pain, unaware that all of this, all of my suffering was itself a choice.  I had simply allowed myself to believe I had no control.  The control was all mine, as it is yours as well.  But before I knew this, I had painbody like you would not believe. the experience was akin to having my fingernail pressed on so hard that all I could be aware of was the pain.  I hate to sound so dramatic, but for those who have gone through this, I am saying this so you can know that if you do feel this kind of pain, you can most certainly exit from it through this surrender process. You are not a prisoner.  You are the master if you so choose.

How do we reach these places?  What lead up to them?  I know that for me, my experience was intensifying during this time period.  During this time I was working hard on being focused on letting go.  I was allowing myself to just let go of so many big and small karmic threads that were holding me in a pretty dysfunctional life and relationship.  I was just letting it go and not worrying what anyone had to say.  I had worked so hard at providing for my family and now I saw how when I needed a moment, there was so little consideration or support, so I just took what I needed.  What I needed was to let go, and I did.  Quietly, privately, without a word, I just let so much  go. I knew if I spoke about how I was having so much fall away that it would have been seen as somehow being irresponsible, uncaring.  In a way this was true.  I did not care to remain in that old energy.  I HAD to let it go.  It was almost like survival for my sanity.

When you are touched by this fire, you cannot go back to the old life.  I just no longer cared how anyone would see it or seek to turn it.  What I had been in was a pretty neurotic world where living a good life was about  maintaining a form of insanity that everyone took to be normal.  So I “worked” hard at just letting this force remove as much as it could.  And it did.  In the midst of this, in the midst of questioning what many were taking for granted as what a “real” awakening was all about, I found my energy changed, heightened.  My higher self knew something, and I had to get there to him somehow.  I had to be in his place. I had to know what Christ called the “father” or the masculine alignment of the divine.  This was my higher self.  Jesus also spoke of being one not just with the father, but also with the mother…..but that is for another time.  It was the masculine side of all of this, though, that provided me with the decisiveness that I needed, the forward thrust of energy that would get me through all of this.

As a result of this, a series of cascading events took place that led to a period of intensive karmic release.  There was a lot of it, but I will also say that there was a lot more to let go of.  That is the curious thing about ourselves.  We have this backlog of material that we have to let go of. Lifetimes worth of it, what I came to call “the inventory.”  Krishnamurti would describe his experiencing of this as “when the saints go marching OUT.” (The Mystique of Enlightenment) He had all manner of things flow out of him during a critical period in his process.  He described all of the archetypal forms of saints and philosophers just leave his inner space and were gone.  As this crowded space was emptied out, there was then room for a great something that some call “nothing” and what I know is simply the presence of both ourselves and the divine (which truly are not separate in reality but which we make divided in our awareness and in our belief and feelings of shame and guilt).  Maybe heaven on earth is when we just make enough room inside ourselves so that heavenly realm can have enough room to stay with some modicum of comfort.

This process is not a rational one, though.  It is a deep-seated want or need that goes beyond knowing. If something is to be let go of, it has to be total, otherwise there is some part of the ego or self that is holding on to it and it remains.  At least that has been my experience.  You have to surrender so totally to know it so deeply.  It is like when you give yourself to God, God is not able to take you as fully when you have your hands and heart holding even the slightest shred of something.  To unite with the divine requires a totality of feeling if you want the deepest depths of it (and yet, I suspect it is all a matter of our ability to know how deep this all goes….which I suspect is entirely without limit and would blow each person’s personal fuse box to know the limitlessness of it….hence Waking the Infinite).  And this is curious, too, because you DO reach it in degrees while still holding onto things….but the experience of it is limited to the degree that you clasp onto some idea or limiting belief.  God’s love is without condition or limit and it seems to do best when you have nothing standing in the way of that union that feel perfect.  Then, once you have gotten to this place of release and more release, it may be possible to feel into a still deeper place that longs for this “unknown” nutrient, this “unknown” (but native) mystery of an experience which will crack you open and make you one. Here, you decide to just let all shame go.  All guilt, all trouble and trespass with others are now nothing, forgiven, and thus in that moment of grace, the infinite flows. And then it comes.  Naturally.  Certainly.  You decide.  You come to this divine current simply by wanting it so much.  The universe will conspire to see to it that you reach it.  You just must remain persistent.  If it is worth something to you, then you will do what is necessary.

So much of these experiences drive a desire to live and breathe this 24/7.  I “get” the devotion that wells up within a person as a result of these experiences. In a way, it may seem unusual, but once you have tasted this, you cannot go back to the old stuff.  It is like champaign distilled from stars.  Who would be happy down on the farm after THAT?  So life becomes increasingly like a prayer, a great big Ohm.   More and more of this seems to seep in.  The old way fades as the self is changed, reconditioned, set aright.  An amazing wonderful thing becomes simple, present in every bud that bursts open, in every sheathe of grass and in every turn of the wind.  A new life, a rebirth, takes root in you.  You become twice-born.  I say changed, but it is a returning.  It is an erasure of past patterns, a return to  a primal state.  When I say primal, I do not mean as some see it as primitive.  I see it as the prime state…..where we exist outside of time and aware of all eventualities and are not limited.  We are our souls.  And if you touch a soul, you will know the great wonder that it is.  It is perfect simply because it has full acceptance of all that it is and all that the universe is.  there is no struggle, no problem, no issue.  Because of this, love is free to flow.  This love is not a love you have likely ever felt, for it is as much a feeling as it is a palpable force that moves through your entire body, like a fire that once existed down low but which is now washing your entire being and in so doing, is removing all shame and issues you may have had with its sensual union-building capacity.  I think the sexual energy is so strong in kundalini simply because it helps to serve the union with the divine so well.  It exists as a kind of analog to being at one-ness with this vast force that goes beyond any limiting notion of personhood or even identity for that matter (even though it knows that IT is and exists as itself).  But once we heal this divide, we find the bridal chamber of the early Christians.  It is we who have the hangups about sexuality, and you really do have to begin to heal this part if you are to enter into the Bridal Chamber unhindered….

This, I do feel, is the resurrection (and the life).

The challenge is in remaining in it.  For just as opening to this bliss is a choice we make, it is also a choice we make to flow back into those hardened states of old again.  Learning not to follow the old and to embrace the new is the one important lesson I have learned and which I have to remind myself daily and even moment by moment to hold in my being.  You would think that this changes you, and it does, but perhaps we need something in us that will remind us that we are not that old person but something new now.  Embrace your truth.  Embrace this sacred fire which will burn it all down and build it back up.  We are are only human ….AND divine!

%d bloggers like this: