Archives for posts with tag: co-creation

Before I went through awakening, I will admit I was not as aware of this idea as I probably could have been.  I KNEW I created my own reality.  I did. But what I didn’t do was to see just HOW MUCH I was really really creating it.  All of it.  Who I was, what I was, how I was arranged, what I felt…the energy coursing through my energetic veins was determining so many things!  I just wasn’t aware how deep it went.  I wasn’t as observant as I could be, I don’t think.  I didn’t realize just how deep all of this went.

When I woke up, I got a second chance at getting a good old wake-up slap on my head.  And it sunk down into me.  Deep.  The force of awakening woke me to a leel of knowing that’s hard to explain….as though perceptual abilities were not just sharpened, but bloomed….the sense of Gnosis, what the Greeks called knowing, moved in me.  And what was in me was in the world.  HOW I FELT about that world was the flux field that determined what was happening with me.

So when it came time for me to backtrack in my work, which I did, I found that this stirred a world of things in me that I thought I was DONE with.  See, we can fool ourselves all the time.  Awareness is huge for us, and we do A LOT to hide things from ourselves.  What we hide, we do not see, what we do not see, we do not work on.  It remains until we realize there is SOMETHING in us that is putting off this vibration in us to cause certain things to happen because HOW we are serves to determine HOW events go.  We ARE NOT victims here.  Source granted us FREEWILL.  So HUGE was this that Source WILL NOT get in the way of that freewill…..even if it means killing or hurting others.  EVEN then!  Holy moley, right?  H-H-H-HUGE.

So as I did this, it actually showed me up close and personal all the work I had to refine.  To work on. I had a history with people who claimed to love me actually hurting me, a very specific kind of hurt, too.  I had been married before all of this, had kids and this person who was someone I shared a life with and who I thought I knew turned her back on some very important issues she gave lip service to but didn’t actually follow through on.  Thing is, I KNEW she knew these were important things.  She was going back on some pretty critical things simply to hurt me.  Now for as petty as that may seem (to me and to my lawyer, both), this was shown in the bright lights of my awakening as something I had to work on.  Afterall, I was attracting this.  I was.  And when I thought maybe I had worked through it, I met another person who I realized was going to do something very similar, something that represented the merry-go-round nature of karma and how we really can’t attract anything different from what we are deep down. The saving grace is that we can change, DO change at all different places in our lives.  So this work, I was doing.  Digging digging….And I was releasing SO MUCH JUNK!  And yet, this issue remained and as a result, I attracted based on that.  This is the relentlessness of how this all works.  You just can’t bullshit your way around this stuff.  You can, sure, but Buddha once said there were three things you cannot hide; the sun, the moon, and the truth.  So, it is going to come around.  Watch the tree and observe what it produces.  Watch people.  You don’t even need to take their word for it, just watch.  Over months, years, if need be.  What they say and how they act and what they produce as the fruit of their lives will reveal itself.  Eventually, the truth will be revealed.  Known.

So as this all took place, I saw the Dark Goddess in all her terrible presence.  And I knew how it was going to go.  Dark goddess?  What do I mean when I say this?  Within us there is both shadow and light.  We have the power, we have the choice to decide.  Its freewill.  Quite naturally, there are not just the gods and goddesses that are all light, but are also consumed by shadow, by their dark sides.  When we, in the awakened state experience such negativity, we experience the ascended darkness or the ascended light.  Again, what does that mean? it means we have the potential for both, and it is WE who decide.  And in that moment, even as my head and heart all knew that nothing good would come of this, that all of this was following a pattern, and even when I spoke this truth, the fact that my root chakra was not yet cleared, IT vibrated at an energetic frequency that was not convinced.  Now, I tell you, there is no worse place to be…..for everything in you says this is going to be bad because it turned out bad with another person before this, and clearly with the third ey and heart I could see this….but the root would not let go, could not.  Such is the nature of the unhealed lightbody.  But even then, in partial knowing, it was read by the Goddess as rejection, as abandonment, hurt, pain, and all she knew to do was to strike back… seek to harm and hurt.

So for one relationship I had a child turned against me.  this child wont speak to me because he believes what his mother has told him.  Buys it hook line and sinker.  Besides, why would his mother lies to him about such things, right?   In another instance it was said in a puvlic forum that I was sexually abusing the students I taught at the school I work at.  It was said that I used my abilities to manipulate people into doing my will.  Further, I admitted to this Dark Goddess that I did this in order to get what I wanted.  It wasn’t just that I did this, I did so wantonly, with design, with malice!  But this was not all.  if soeone else was percieved as somehow coming into a circle of influence, those people, too, would be subjected to the same kind of behavior, which was an attempt to punish, to hurt, and to demonize.  So hurt, so broken from the past that the past and present cannot be seen for what they are or as they are.  So clouded the vision, so bloodied the heart.  When we do this kind of thing we grow more karma, we do more harm not just to others, but to ourselves.  It is unfortunate, but out of such things I had to stop and just look at myself and ask why I had attracted this.  I didn’t make them act this way, no, they chose this, but I sure attracted it and THAT was what I had to examine and really look at, because once I did that, I was able to see more clearly the things that remained to be healed.

My chakra centers, nearly cleared, KNEW this would not go well. I was able to predict just how it would go……how she would seek to punish me, hurt me, even though what I was doing was true and fair……not an effort to hurt or harm, but to cast truth…to speak the truth about how this all was a replay of old hurts…..that we would simply be banging our heads against the wall.  I had already had this experience with a spouse a few years before, so you would think I’d have this one all worked out.  Well, we heal when we heal, and having someone do what my spouse did was particularly hard because it involved children, but the effect was the same pattern of retaliatory behavior in the following relationship, which is the Dark Goddess in her wrath.  She is the image of Kali, the angry one, the one who vents her rage…..but as humans, when we vent our rage it means people get hurt.  The powerful energy behind rage has to be very carefully wielded.

As a result of this experience, the humbling effect has served to bring me back into myself, back to where I need to be to place my awareness on the parts of me not yet fully healed  What is interesting is that all of this is energetic in nature.  The energy pattern is not physical, so when it heals, IT can heal immediately and completely if we let it.  Whatever lingers can then go on to create disease in the body, so it pays to clear all of this up as these unhealed places represent life force that is being choked off and used for all the wrong things.  So often we wind up experiencing diseases that are all part of a series or spectrum of energy effects that transfer effects through the body wince all of this is delicately connected (energy feeds into the body!).

Some people say forgiveness is important in healing.  It is.  But what forgiveness does, in all truth, is that is clears the way perceptually for YOU to realize that the truth is that all along all of this hurt and pain and terrible junk that has been happening TO you is actually YOU creating situations in your life where this junk that is IN you plays out in FRONT of you.  So we say we are not aware of our fractures, and yet those fractures are right there IN your life.  The women in my past were all very good at putting on a face at the beginning of their day, but this face was the ace they thought they had to wear.  I too in a way was doing the same thing. I finally grew tired of the masks and when that happened, the masks began to fall away.  The layers of hurt and propriety fell away.  the bullshit fell away.

And this is the fear that we feel when we wake up. We fear death, we fear change, we fear it being different.  Knee-jerk.  Totally.  But once we DO change, its never so bad as we thought.

So let it go. Your higher self will lead you perfectly.  Think of it as being like a cosmic parent that is there helping to mold and shape your life and wont lead you to the wrong place.  Just to the places that you need to go to learn. And you will realize that none of this is being done to you…..this is happening for a reason, no exceptions, and it has to do with who you are and HOW that “are” puts out a vibration which magically attracts certain events and things into your life.  Want to change that equation?  Change yourself.  All the way down, truly, fully and honestly.  That is the answer.  And the work is what lies in front of you since the hardest part has already been done; the realization that there is more work to do!

Good luck and all my heart-felt blessings for you in this!


Until you reach the place where you can consider that all of this is being created by you, you will remain a prisoner of sorts in this world.  You will remain a prisoner to those things within you that you have created, what you hold onto even as you may seek to demonize them in others, and just as Philip said in his gospel which was discovered in 1945 in a cave near Nag Hammadi Egypt,  will master you and you shall be its slave.  Until you deal with this inner material, it WILL be projected outward onto others as you believe with utmost certainty that it is the fault of your neighbor, not your own.  If this all sounds crazy, it should be a cautionary tale to all who seek to do “spiritual” work.  In truth, this spiritual work is more about mucking out stalls in a barn; cleansing and clearing our own shit (and “shit” it is!). This projection was what Jung meant when he said “Projections change the world into the replica of one’s own unknown face.” (1)  For those who seek only to focus on the soft perfection of the lotus flower, realize that it blooms out of the muck below….

If you’d like to understand a little more about what Jung has had to say about this issue, you can read about it here:   There is quite a lot written about projection and while it is available throughout the psychotherapy spectrum, the most notable are the likes of Jung and Freud.

Realization is knowing what you are, and you are yourself a creator.  A godling. You are a creator absolutely, and while your range may be limited to creating your own reality right now, this creativity wont always be so locally limited.  You are multidimensional and you exist in many different forms right now “elsewhere.”  The divine spark is in you, all through you,  and here you are seeking to divest yourself of this dross, this ‘spiritual” work, you say.  I know humans have a problem with accepting or even entertaining this possibility, thinking it, most often, as filled with hubris and pride, but it isn’t.  Once you are able to touch upon your soul’s own creative source-point, the font of its inspiration and greater life, you will be struck dumb with reverence and love.  You will.  You CANNOT get to this place without such an awareness, for they are one and the same.  They go together.   It is like someone who asks the advice of an elder “How do I love deeply?”  The elder replies, “With deep love!”  It isn’t that there is something to do, but that it is itself what it is.  When you touch upon your greater creative potential (and you can feel this during moments of inspiration so look for it when it happens) what you feel is this incredible feeling that takes you over that is both the experience and the reflection upon it.  SO this is not some egoistic reflecting in entirety.  Ego always remains, but as one learns how to refine ego and grow it into the higher form within you (using the higher self as a template or mentor or guru within), then there is naturally more room for this much more refined awareness of what you are.  This is what they mean by Self Realization.  It is realizing what you are in your greater context.

All of this dross, though, you have accepted at one point or another.  You may have some sticking point with it, a less than peaceful state with it. For example, being “against” being warlike has produced more warlike behavior in the past than you might imagine.  So-called peace-loving people were themselves just as warlike and passionate about NOT going to war as those who WERE actively engaged in war.   It is one thing to be upset with the way of the world, but another to be so consumed by it that it becomes a preoccupation, something that dips obsession and then, deeper; into madness. This is where the way of the world begins to cloud the way of your own inner world so that the divine pulse, the cosmic ripple, no longer is felt or known half as well as it could have been simply because there is so much more difficult competing material for it to transmit itself through (think the mud that the lotus must move through).

People treat kundalini rising as though it is some great mystery, but how it happens is not a mystery.  What is a mystery is that it remains a mystery to some.  But in this current age, we are learning more than ever with the awakening of many thousands of people all within this one time frame. Once you understand how kundalini awakens, yo do not need a method or system. Quite naturally the guru awakens within you and can guide you if you listen.  You only need one thing and that alone will work if sufficient material has been excavated from the core body of awareness (the light body).  This, though, is not about how kundalini is activated…..

Reaching a place where one accepts the world as it is, not to give bad practices a pass in any way, but to not be moved by what is not necessary to move you.  By choosing always the good, one does not move into the depths of the shadow or negative side of ones self or the world.  One continues to always look into the light without seeking the shadow aspects of anger and revenge and hatred which are so often a facet of spiritual work in the beginning.  So how we choose to respond is how we are.  How we feel is not some great mystery, but is part of how we have chosen to be, to respond, and to become.  We very much seem to want to pass this responsibility off onto others, but it certainly seems it is entirely our own.  And if that unsettles you, then good.  A little unsettling is probably what you need because until you settle into peace with yourself and the world, feather ruffling will be a major indicator of how well or how poorly you have “gotten it.”.

At no point was any belief shoved onto you.  No one held you at gunpoint.  No one made you join the church, or a political group or alignment.  You did all of this in order to conform most likely, to fit in (but you probably did so without reading the fine print first).  If you say you did so under pressure, it was you who bowed to that pressure.  Now of course this gets hard for people who feel they have been victims in one way or another, and this is a very hard thing to deal with because it is so self-reinforcing.  I know.  I have been there.  I was in relationships where the other needed to be the victim so badly that they sought to make me their scapegoat.  This happened a number of times until I realized I had a sense of incompletion with a feeling of guilt from something that spanned back to a life during the Inquisition in Europe.  This has resulted in making me, as my mother said, “a crazy magnet.”  I can say that these people are off their rocker, but the deeper truth is I have attracted them or was attracted to them.  As I look back at these relationship I actually have seen the warning signs and often tended not to heed them.  This is, as Jung said, the power of the shadow self, the part of us that is more esoteric or hidden, submerged.  When you have an awakening, this material can become dislodged, moved, stirred and thus transmuted so that it is no longer an issue and the energetic alignment of the self can more closely mirror that of the soul.

I once had a friend in high school who had an issue with her Dad.  She felt like he didn’t love her.  She went on to have a string of relationships after leaving home that were all the same, and ended the same; she was left by men in rather spectacular ways.  It led her to cease seeking relationships with men.  I can remember her calling me at two in the morning in tears asking me how on earth she had radar for these men who would all treat her the same way?  If you talk to a psychologist, they will simply explain that that which has not been resolved within,  will repeat. We say, though, that in our childhoods that THIS material, we had NO control over.  But I don’t believe that for one second.  What about what is left over from another life?  Does that show up as a condition we have no control over?  Or is the picture bigger even for those who cannot see past the veil of death?  A world of problems are denied because we do not remember.  What we come into this life with is what remains from before.  Perhaps you do not buy into reincarnation, and that’s fine.  I speak and write about it because I have personally had so many experiences with it over the course of my life to indicate to me quite clearly that I was not simply dreaming this up (I have language from a lost culture, for example that was not possible for me to have known for starters).  Of course, however, you alone are the one to decide if this sits right with you.  I am merely offering my own experience.

When my entire family was choosing to join the church when I was small, my choice was not to do so.  I politely declined.  I could have chosen to join the church, yes, and it is possible that years later, in rebellion, I might refuse to accept the ramifications of my actions some years earlier.  But I suppose I could have gone for the argument that I was not responsible for my beliefs and feelings and actions and thus was manipulated by forces around me.  For a creator, this is the weakest point for all of us.  But the idea of ourselves not being responsible and more in control is a seductive one. Until you are ready to give it up, though, you cannot begin to see how its possible that all of this started with you and will end with you.  You wont begin to glimpse the universe until you recognize the material that serves to separate your perception from it.  Much of this has to do with beliefs held at a deep level within the psyche.

Every belief was taken on by you.  The life you lead today was chosen by you.  You chose your parents, you came into this world looking down on the vast river of time and we each knew the circumstances of our entry into this world.  God didn’t just toss us into the river and said “Now swim, you heathen!”  No, it isn’t like that.  Neither did some God create karma as a form of punishment, either.  Humans seek to turn these things into punishments when their purpose is far more nuanced and refined.  it is when we forget our divine heritage and natures that we fell away and created karmic entanglements.

When I was a baby my earliest memory was one where I was not yet in the flesh.  I was getting ready to incarnate, though, and I was attracted to a particular couple who would later become my mother and father.  In the pinewoods of Florida, I gazed down from the very tip-tops of the pine trees to them on a rare moment when they were alone.  I felt a pull, a draw to them.  I had known them, both of them,  many times.  My father, who would not be present much longer in the world, I had known a very long time.  We were like brothers.  But what I did not realize or see immediately was how the karma mirrored itself in me and me in it.  That is a way of saying that I was attracted to the unrefined vibration as much as the finer one, not just one or the other. Thus attracted, I was drawn into the world, through the womb of my mother, taking both the good and the bad all as one.  The things I had to work on would find their compliment perfectly in the events and people I chose to be with.  What’s more, my own siblings would also mirror many of the same issues even as we each varied slightly one to the other.  The same struggle I went through five years ago is the same or very similar struggle that a sibling went through just a few years after my own. The result in each case was a surrender and softening of the self.  The walls came down, the defensiveness melted away.  For her and for me, there could not have been a better landscape in which to be tried, tested, our buttons pushed and pressed until there were no more buttons left to press.

I knew growing up that I would not have been the person I was had things gone differently.  Perhaps I needed to learn greater self reliance.  Perhaps had my father remained, I might not have learned this in the way I have.  And, too, missing him may have also been the very means by which I could glimpse the infinite and realize that his absence has been illusory.  In truth, his spirit has been residing next to my own since I was young.  Perhaps not in flesh, but in that very fine vibration of knowing and being that has the capacity to live beyond this holographic creation we are all experiencing just now.  If we create it, then we can recreate it differently.  What might we create were we able to consider how things could be different?

They say that life here is an illusion.  I beg to differ.  It is not illusion.  The world here is a creation.  Knowing this, you can then see it differently because the word suggests a choice and the possibility for change.  We can create our lives differently.  Illusion suggests to me that what is must somehow be cast aside.   It is less something to cast aside as to change, to reform, to recreate because if you have ever observed what happens as you are actively in the process of changing your beliefs, the world will move in around you in a new way.  It is like a stick in the mud.  The belief that is being plucked is that stick.  When you pull it out, the mud and water swirls around the hole and in matter of seconds there is no evidence of there every having been a stick there in the first place.  All of the events of the world that were being effected by that stick or belief are now operating differently now.  I know that each and every change within myself has resulted in a sudden and often dramatic change in the events happening around me. Since so much of this has happened over the last few years I have actually been able to observe carefully as these healings take place and see the changes in the world around me. the world is being created differently, you see.  You can literally watch as events change their character on a dime in direct relation to whatever the healed pat embodies in you.  For me, when I healed a self-worth issue in my heart center, it resulted in someone doubling the monetary amount of an offer they had made on my house the next day.  Because I could not feel better self worth, I attracted others who could not give me what my home or what my own being was worth.  How could they do otherwise?  But once the energy changed, it was possible for not just me to change but others. In this case, it was dramatic.  I had not had contact with the person who made the offer for six months.  The location in time of the new offer was entirely coincident with the healing that took place. But this is one example and this is entirely emblematic of how things have gone for me over the years.  If I am involved in a project and heal something in me, the very nature of the project will change including the reactions and actions of others around me.  I jokingly described it as suddenly shifting into another world where things work a little bit differently.

It is this way because we are creating all of it.  You may not create the people within it or the trees or the dirt, but you certainly do create the events.  And in knowing that, how is it that anyone can continue turning a blind eye to the stuff of their life in the hopes that it will simply go away as if by magic?  The magic, dear friend, is in your capacity to simply let it all go. When you are ready, it will fall away the same way that an old coat drops to the floor and is never seen from again.  But until you are ready, you are engaged in what the ego needs, which is “the work.”  I write a lot about this here and on other blogs.  The idea of work is itself a bit out of place because in truth healing from the past has been the easiest thing I have done.  Its getting myself READY to be ready that has been “the work.”  That is not work, though.  What IS work is refining the self and making the right choices each and every day until an epiphany moment turns into practice or habit, habit matures into character.  The small earthbound self is like this tender bud on a larger tree.  It is young and has a lot to learn from its larger and older aspects. So as you become more realized, you can let your higher self filter in and serve as that template for your own inner work of becoming. You literally let in the self that is unbound by time and thus already realized, to step into the moment with you.  How aware will you be of this part of yourself depends on you.  Most often, though, this happens slowly, day by day as the spark of healing turns to the glow of daily practice, and that itself turns , as I mentioned earlier, into character over time.

In spiritual work we have the capacity to glimpse very tall mountains that we have not yet scaled.  This would be being able to reach incredible states of bliss and surrender with the divine, but just as we glimpse the mountain without having climbed it, so too is our surrender and experience of the sublime limited and transitory.  We visit.  We visit until we learn how to edge out the rest of our own crap so that the sublime can reside always (and it can and does!).  Being able to discern between being there on that mountain top and merely seeing it ahead are two different things.  Seeing it, I contend, is an important aspect in our ability to realize larger summits, which naturally draws us towards them when we are ready.  We might see the mountain, esteem its beauty and character and want to BE a part of it, but until we have actually learn to scale it (by creating differently) we will remain visitors to it through our visionary impulses (see how these things are neither just good or just bad, but a combination of both shadow and light?) Scaling the higher mountain builds strength of will and character.  This seems to be the work.  Much of what lies before us here is simply divesting ourselves of the dross of the ages and this, in truth, is incredibly easy.

I was doing a show two weeks ago and while there I met a woman and her husband and we struck up a conversation about energy work.  The lady explained that what she did was to remove blocks from people.  What I realized what she was doing was what many people do when seeking to heal themselves of the past.  We tell ourselves that we have to “work” on these tough spots, but in truth, what I have found, is that it is as easy or as hard as we choose to make it.  Why?  It is itself a creation.  I do think that the very ACT of trying to heal ourselves is itself a creative act.  As a result, we have complete free will in decided how easy or hard the healing can be, how hard the work can be.  Most people who are stuck in the victim meme wont be able to see this for what it is, but I promise you, it is as we make it.

So that s-load of crap in the back yard of your own being…..either it can go away with a snap or it is going to take a bunch of workmen and trucks and shovels to get it out.  They might have to even bring in a helicopter.  Do you get what I am trying to paint here?  This is spiritual work, I am talking about.  It only gets easy when you consider “This could be so easy it is like snapping your fingers and it is gone.” And it can be.  When I have considered that someone waving their hand over my abdomen could entirely clear away a blockage I had been struggling with for years (years!!!) could just go away, poof!  Just like that!  That was when it went away, poof, just LIKE that.  And it never returned.  I turned to my friend who did the energy work and wondered how it was it could be that easy.  It is because I had been creating it.  All of it.  Even how HARD all of this was supposed to be.  I considered in that moment of her hand waiving that it could be gone.  And it was.

How many times have your heard someone say “You made me upset” or “you made me so mad!’  And in truth, no one MAKES you do anything!  You CHOSE to get upset.  You CHOSE to get mad. Be honest with yourself and stop putting it off onto others.  If you do, you will quickly see just how much of all of this you are in truth creating.  All I am saying is that you CAN choose to create something differently.  Someone says “Yes, I am trying!  But this is hard!”  To this I say that if you want to create it to be hard, then it will be, but if you change your beliefs about it and you make the change REAL (not just a mental construct), then it will come to be.

As long as you think that your beliefs are not your own, as long as you believe that you were tossed willy-nilly into the world to meet the events that you did, then you will remain powerless to change those events.  But once you consider there is a different way to actually look at them and experience and feel them, then they will.  You can be powerless or you can be powerful.  Sometimes the difference between these two is merely resolving some issue you have about how you associate the USE or ABUSE of power that keeps you from embracing the fullest and highest possibility open to you.  Once you resolve the glitch or hitch in you, the cycle is open to let the energy flow from inception to birthing this new way of seeing and being.

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