Archives for posts with tag: bliss


Note: this is a piece that I started almost six months ago but hadn’t finished it.  Today I had enough time to sit down and edit and try to trim it down some and get it ready for consumption…It is based on my own experience, but it is also informed by numerous other accounts and people’s experience on the subject.

I was once fully believing in what was said about the Twin Soul.  I had an awakening that began to stir in mid-2016 with the “full” process unfolding in early 2017.  When this happened, I was aware of another person there within my awareness….sharing my inner-most space… with me.  Boom.  I felt as though I had transited into some strange new world.  At first, I thought that maybe this was temporary, like some kind of telepathy.  It was just so new, I had nothing to compare it to.

As time went on it became clear that I could feel what she was feeling and she was feeling what I was feeling.  In the beginning, I considered that maybe I was just somehow making this all up, or that the two of us were maybe psyching the other out somehow.  The rational mind was firmly in place even as the force of awakening was beginning to deconstruct and bring its inevitable change.

So we took notes.  For months we would check back with each other to compare with each other the things that we each felt, what time, and what stood out.  Over months of doing this it was clear that this was not some sort of self-delusion.  She was able to accurately pinpoint the minute where, for the first time, I had cried in a few years. She could trace the ups and downs of the energy in the day.  Sometimes I would read something and she would bring up the subject matter as though it had come from her own thoughts.  It was an other-worldly oddessey.

What made this so different was the intense feelings that came about through this experience.  Cosmic, certainly.  My physiology was changed, my mind was undergoing a kind of reformation right along with my emotions.  It took some time before I knew that the symptoms I was experiencing was kundalini, but what was very clear to me was the connection that had been forged suddenly, inexplicably, and from a distance of 1500 miles or so.  I didn’t know this person, at least not in this life.

What I have been describing is an aspect of awakening that many people are going through today that is popularly termed the “Twin” experience.  There are twin souls and Twin rays.  Depending on who you talk to, there is a difference.  What is common, though, is that an awakening has occurred in which two people have developed, often, an instantaneous connection that utilizes the light body in such ways that telepathy becomes the order of the day.  It drives bliss and it tends to make one feel as though they have connected to some hidden or”lost” aspect of their soul.

As I sat in meditation back in those early days, I asked the force, this very intelligent force, why it was there.  I asked what it was.  It obliged in both cases and explained in images, like waking dreams or inner visions, what was going on.  I was being met by an evolved form of energy that was a future version of me that had looped back to my time frame and was boosting my evolution through all time by moving through me.  It explained that normally we think of time as set when we think of the past, but that the past is in fact still very plastic. By going back through time it was able to boost its own evolution, explaining that as my growth accelerated in THIS probable past, it sent out ripples down into what I think of as the future, which it explained was simply an advanced state or awareness of itself.  It had the effect of opening the self that this self was/is in a way that might not have been possible in other ways.

What I suspect was being communicated is that this was my soul coming to call in a way that it could not do previously. Prior to awakening I observe, we are just too blocked for anything meaningful to get through that is transformative in nature (like the flow of prana that we term “kundalini”). The force also showed me that the work that it was here to do with me was to assist in the removal of repressed emotion, my “baggage” you could say,  everything that kept me from knowing my deeper divine self in an embodied fashion.  So this was how the work began in earnest.

I have spent each day with this force moving in me and assisting in removing a huge mass of material both from my life here and now as well as those that I have carried over from other lifetimes.  I have watched as the material went form the easy stuff to what is now the more dug-in material.  I have gone through all five of what the Hindu call the “koshas” which are what I think of as dimensional aspects of the energy body.  Each chakra, then, you see, has five sheaths or dimensional aspects that express body, mind, emotion, spirit, and prana. A block in one chakra in one kosha layer can be cleared and later you can wind up in the same chakra center clearing it again because a different kosha in the same center is now being cleared.  This was the work of awakening.  This is what the flow of prana does, what we call Awakening or Kundalini.  And I was connected to this person as part of this.  I naturally assumed that this person’s presence served a purpose, that it was connected to my awakening experience.  I had, after all, had dreams that foretold this event and the coming of three people into my life who I would know who would play central roles in my process. This was just prior to the full-on rise of awakening.

In the midst of this was the feeling of falling into the”thrall” of the energy that I felt was connected to this person.  In the beginning, it was this beautiful thing, wonderful, really.  But over time, as I tried to understand the connection, I found that the literature that describes this phenomenon kind of….came up short.  The community of people trying to understand this phenomenon would describe it in ways that sounded great, but in truth, it was really contradictory.  People would say “He is the most wonderful twin, and I love him so much…” and then, the weirdest thing would happen.  You have to wait for it….so often they would say “And I hate him, he is the hardest person to get along with!”  In fact, today, as I was preparing this, I did a survey of several blogs that espouse the Twin-Soul and Twin-Ray concept in the way that I first learned it and I kept seeing these comments in much the same way I have just related to you. And I think there is a reason for it that we don’t always admit or acknowledge.  The bliss and wonder just feels too good.  I think we are afraid that if we grow and move on that this wonder and bliss will somehow evaporate.  But awakening is a permanent feature to our lives.  But the web is full of this story that has caught on.  It has caught on because it sounds so good, and it seems to make some kind of sense.

The concept goes something like this:  the Twin is the other side of your soul.  You have been going through your whole reincarnational cycle waiting for this person to come along.  The purpose of the two of you is to reach a state of full union here on earth and that this is your last incarnation.There is NO karma with this twin.  They would never hurt you, ever. They connect you to incredible bliss and love in such a way that hurting the other side of themselves is just not something that would ever be considered..”  Or something very similar to that.  Cue the dolphins jumping in the moon light (actually, I think leaping dolphins are really cool, but I digress).  I am making light of it, but the experience is real and powerful and it is unlike anything you are bound to have ever felt before.  By just thinking about this other person it is as though you are accessing a catalyst that drives orgasmic energy that ripples through your being.  The story as told is one in which twins are this model for the new paradigm, sainted beings put on earth to usher in a new age.

The problem was that this was not the case in my experience. In fact, my twin would have these ….temporal melt-downs every now and again.  In the beginning I figured that this was just her reaction to powerful energy and she should just be able to toss her fit. She would sometimes resort to cussing fits and she would say really mean things.  Then, a few seconds later, she would be quiet and calm as if nothing every happened.

“Wait.  Did you just see what you did just now?” “What?” she would ask, seemingly oblivious to what had just gone down.  I just shook my head.

Okay, I get it; we are human, too.  But, see, there is nothing about this when anyone talks about twins.  Not really.  Its all rainbows.  Whatever the challenges are, they are glossed over when you go to these sites.  It has the whiff of the myth.  And at the very least, there are a lot of misconceptions about this whole twin phenomenon.

When I went on the message boards that dealt with this discussion on this topic I found the stories were all the same.  I observed ALL of the behaviors as so similar. Different stories, all the same story. Everyone was battling the disparity over the fleshly real-world self and this seemingly divine awareness of self.

And then, there was that gulf.  And EVERYONE knew about it.  You know it if you have had this experience.  No, it is not easy to know what it is exactly, not at first, but it sits in the background is a much more powerful arbiter for this experience than you could have imagined.  It is brought about by the mass of your own karma….the negative karma….the shadow self….the samscara.

This gulf does not serve separation with your”twin” no, but there is something there….but what? Yes, this was the same for everyone.  The only difference was in how each person chose to respond to it.  Individuality in motion, right?

So the question became, if this story is true, that your Twin would not hurt or harm you, then why was there such a preponderance of the “twin blues” being expressed on the boards?  I get it; it was a place to vent, and in truth, there were people who quietly worked within the experience to understand, grow, maybe be better.  Yes, heavenly feelings, they would say, but twin is not with them.  Nearly ALL of them. So few every really were married or in relationships with each other.  What?  Why not? Oh.

The gulf.  Mind the gap, lads and lasses….

This is the dark wind that breathes coolly between you and the other.  I know you know exactly what I mean, people.  That bit of mystery.  You have not been able to penetrate it.  And I will boldly say, you never will as long as your soul is unable to give up the concept of the twin as presently conceived.  It will remain a stumbling block.  Why?  Because the twin becomes the dose of endorphins for the day, the deep sensuality in body and soul. The twin is a connection, most often, through karma, often negative karma, and the attraction being created is what I think of as a “reverse” polarity draw.  This is the pecularity with energy; you can draw based on positive and negative aspects.  What would normally repel can wind up, in another life, to be a draw.  Sounds a little non-intuitive, I know, but I see it over and over and over and…. And we each fear giving this up and so what do we do? We keep the gulf, that gap, in place.  It is out on the edge.  Beyond your fear.  I ask; will you step out on the ledge with me and be willing to risk everything for what lies beyond that wind-driven dark nothingness?  You have to be willing to die to attain it.  The room goes quiet.  “Who the heck does this guy think he is?”


You have to die to who you think you are.  When you read about all these wise cats from India, they talk about the false self.  Or illusion.  All of it is created, and it has its own reality, but it may not be the most authentic version of your highest realization. And so, most people get taken down by awakening, peeled down, taken apart, reworked, their foundations scattered and put back together.  We are a generation of Osiris’s whether we be male or female.  And the gap?  That gap seems to promise us endless sensual bliss as long as we keep a little of it in place.  I am saying this because honestly, there were so few people who were event talking about getting to a better place, to really “ascend” as so many are so fond of saying.  When I read the work of people who talk about “ascending” I find they are the ones doing it the least.  I mean, what gives?  Are we really THAT guilty of projection and all the rest?  I am beginning to think that the people who talk the most about ego death are the ones who have ego firmly planted the most, or that those who ascend know they are not ascended, but boy do they wish they were.  How about this; a little honesty?  If you did that, you would inspire a new generation to be human and to ask how to reach across the gulf to do the real work of being and becoming.  The truth is, no one knows what this ascension is.  Everyone likes to use it, but really, what does it mean outside of a vague notion?  No, you have no idea what it entails because the process you are in folks is robbing yourself of all of the false, the lies you told yourself about yourself, the wishes that did not really fit you, the looks you yearned for that would never match you and this caused suffering….the jobs you did not get because they would have made you unhappy but instead you were unhappy that you didn’t get it.  This is all of what Gautama described as the suffering.  This is not a time that is rich in embodiment, but a time of doing something foundational and really important to your spiritual evolution that will send powerful ripples out through time.  You are the rock mover, the dam deconstructor, and your soul made you for this purpose. You are here for this, right?

I have been through this more than once, this twin experience.  I had two even though they say you can’t have but one.  What I observe is that I have never seen a single case of a true Twin soul as described in the literature.  Not once.  It is like an image of a unicorn that is running up ahead of us.  It is always up ahead.  It is never really here.  It is like the Loch Ness Monster and the Yeti. We hear their plaintive cries in the night, or think we do, but we never stand before it, flesh, blood, and bone.

But the image of the unicorn, caught in the dreamy-eyed light is so much more grand when we let it run up ahead of us so we can imagine it in those otherworldly terms, right?  Come on, admit it, what I am telling you is true.  The chance to catch that fleeting image in the soft focus of 50 feet away is so much more preferred than seeing things up close with sharp focus, right?  And this is just what the experience of the soul brings.  It doesn’t NEED to be realistic; it is infinite.  It knows EVERYTHING is possible because….it has seen it.  It knows it.  But the difference is that we here have not and we need to manifest whatever it is that we are going to create.  That is a very different kind of work, a different focus altogether.  You can learn a lot from your soul about how to do things.  Just ask; it exists outside of time and can give you the cheat sheet.  Try it sometime.  I delved into this and did the work on this so I know it exists.  I wont bother trying to wrap it in some fairy tale story.  You will have to do the work and determine if what I said holds water.  Go looking.  But do you know what I mean when I say this?  The soul has seen it all and it is in this place of undivided innocence of a sort while we here in this focus are creating, making, learning, as if it had never been learned before!  What!  Okay, I will save that for another day what THAT is all about….

It is true.  In fact, unicorns are real, but not in this world.  No, I absolutely agree, unicorns like the one I just described DO exist, but they are not made of flesh and bone.  The trick, it seems, is how to bring their magic into the moment.  Here.  Because friends, if we do not, then the world will just roll its eyes at us and we will retreat into the private world of those twin boards in order to vent or whatever, right?

I just think that we need to get real with all of this.  I sense that this lack of living in the moment, in the flesh and blood and boundless soulfulness of this experience will not serve us.  Any of us.  I know it did not work for me.  It did not serve me in my release of old karmic material. It is time that we get real with it.  And why?  Because there is a world of people who are just stuck.  They are. Stuck in the heaven of the “twin” experience when the story is itself a fairy tale.  They are in these tar pits, trying to pull their “twin” out with them and all the while they are just digging themselves into it.

You might wonder why it is that the more people “try” the more stuck they become?  Its because YOU are not the part that does the healing.  the higher self does.  There is no way that your earthly self has any ability whatsoever to effect healing for yourself.  YOU are a channel, you see.  Your higher self, it has the power.  You, you are just learning here.  This is why we all talk about this surrender idea.  What do you think you are surrendering to?  We are alike this. Children, really. The more someone tries to put themselves out there as knowledgeable, the more suspicious I am.  But the bliss is necessary so that you will be willing to surrender just long enough for the rough stuff inside of you to slip away into the night.  No one wants to empty out their garage.  Never.  We all say we want to clean it out, but most folks have to get to the very edge of sanity before they will consider just backing the truck up to the door and giving the heave-ho. Let’s just be real here.  And this is what the twin experience is all about.  Yes, we touch heaven, but we also touch earth.

I’m not angry.  I am not upset.  People assume that I am when I speak this way.  But no, in truth I go deep within and when I read the “library” that is out there in the cosmos what I see is actually something different from what some people have described.


For what it is worth, this is what I have dug up.

We are each masculine and feminine within.  We are.  This is what the force of kundalini is, a dimensional aspect of the feminine and masculine, not expressed as a sexual orientation, but as soul, as consciousness.  We each have had various lives as both men and women.  the biggest hurdle for most people is the idea that they were the opposite sex because, well, homophobia. Inside of everything there resides this presence that is so hard to describe….it is at once a channel for energy, and IS the energy, and IS itself.  And then you are there, or the rock or water molecule, bird, or bacterium. This current makes up the positive and negative poles necessary to drive reality.  And it is in everything, holding this whole thing together moment by micro moment.  This is the dual, the twin, you see.  What we are missing is already inside of us.

The twin force is not “out there” but is alive in every subatomic particle and in every star.  It makes up the matter of the physical universe and it animates conscious living tissue in a blissful way.  It does.  And so many of us are shut off from it.  These, we call those who slumber.Those who have awakened, whether they know it or not, have removed enough emotional material out of their way to allow for the twin force of the yin and yang to touch, to move into unity, into union.  And when this happens, there is most often a flash of intense white light and the other symptoms that follow in the wake of awakening.  But its union.  And it naturally drives us to want to BE in union.  In our lives, in our work, in our spiritual lives.  All of it.  Because the world is actually designed with this in mind.  All of nature is interconnected.  When I had my first experience with nonduality, the day “this” moved inside of me I saw how I saw that everything was “family” and I was a part of it.  The joke being, that the family is a really really really big one (every atom in the entire universe for starters…).

Do I think that this means that twins are not real?  Well, I ask you, have you ever met anyone who has had the experience of the stereotypical twin?  Have you?  If you have, let’s talk.  I’d love to meet them and learn more about this phenomenon.  But you know, I have never met one.  Not one.  And yet people keep talking about it as though it is a thing.  Maybe it is a distraction from the very important work of becoming.  Maybe?

But the baseline energy of the cosmos?  Its bliss.  Our bodies are designed for it.  In fact, our brains are wired for the pleasure by putting out reward chemistry for it.  All of this is compliments of two forces that turn and duck and sway all through us from toe to crown and builds incredible bliss, bliss that is strong enough to tear down our sacred cows and castles and desires to chase unicorns…And these two energies in each of us, all of us, is an important part of this. You cannot have what is called the kundalini shakti without the shiva side of the force.  This is not a force that exists independent of one another.  If you were to take the positive or negative away from what we think of as kundalini, all would go silent.  Energy would withdraw from our universe and the screen would just wink out.  Hard to imagine, right?  One does not exist without the other.


When we are heterosexual, we align along male or female sexual orientation,and are drawn to the opposite physically, traditionally. But this is only sexual orientation and says nothing of the deeper more nuanced story of the soul which is more than just female or male, or bisexual, say.

In non-traditional pairings, there is still an energetic dynamic at play.  At the base of this experience, in its core, is always an interaction with the cosmic emanations that are both us and the universe.  I know how that sounds.  But this experience spawns the experience of nonduality, that moment when your energy rides on the nadis, where you experience, directly the fire from heaven that pulses through you and into the other and then develops this circuitry that you feel powerfully in the moment when you are together and also when you are miles away. The male energy radiating outward connects to the feminine and flows through a creative presence that is the feminine.  This is a part of the experience of what we describe the twin phenomenon. This is a sharing of prana. It is transferable.We go from the circuitry of our single selves to the circuitry of two people-as-one.  This is not an illusion.  It is real.

When my “twin” said she didn’t feel the bliss, something that I felt all the time but that she didn’t know herself, I explained she needed to breathe deep and listen to my words.  In a matter of moments, she had it.  Like magic. This was done over the phone, across the miles. I could do this because of the connection.  I could incline her toward bliss by feeling it in myself and then transferring it to her own mind because she was in touch with my own.  This is a life that is lived from the inside out, not from the outside, in.  We serve as reminders to the other about how we can be simply through feeling.  When the other can feel what you feel they can learn to feel differently in the case of someone who does not have the same hitches as you. It is a cheat. Just like the soul coming in and bringing this experience, that too could be called a cheat.  It is the best sort of cheat out there.  It at the very least helps to catalyze a new direction or focus.  And then, we have to chop wood, carry water, which is to say we have to work on the personality in order to grow it into a new direction, to erase all of the deep grooves of whatever undesirable behavior there is in us that has kept us tangled up in something that is less than our highest.


I know from the work I have done that what we experience as masculine and feminine in awakening, not just as sexual orientation, is an energy in consciousness that is indeed a polarity.  Here, in our lives as physical beings, we experience the dimension of this force as sexual orientation and as physical sexual orientation (male or female).  But this division itself is only a seeming.  It is not a literal spiritual division.  We are both. Within us, whether either of us wants to admit it, we carry some proportion of masculine and feminine traits.  We do.  And one day, as I went deep, I found myself experiencing a life as a woman.  And just so you know, I am a man (a very heterosexual man).  The experience of being a woman did something to me that opened me up in ways I had been blocked.  I was able to observe that while I was remembering this lifetime in my past, I also felt that the polarity of my sexual energy had flipped not unlike how the polarity of the earth’s poles might flip magnetically from north to south.  I had this slight edge of concern because when I felt the flip take place, it was strong, the same way that a magnet might flip when its same pole from another magnet is put in close proximity to it.  But I went with it.

Instead of my energy going outward, I felt it going inward.  I found how my focus and attention was of my beloved moving all through my heart mind and body.  When I was able to completely let go of what I now know was a trace of homophobia, I could embrace this experience. It taught me a lot about the feminine.  It cleared a block as I did this which opened up a large flow of energy.

The point I am getting around to making is that our energy is itself aligned a certain way in each lifetime to suit our purposes for that life.  In my life I have a blend of both masculine and feminine traits.  These traits make me strong, but they also make me receptive.  They also make me wildly creative, as I have lived my life as an artist professionally since 1996. But there are different alignments along this spectrum, too, and all of them are each just as valid as any other.  But all of this is begging the question: what does this have to do with twins?

I know I go far afield….Let me ask you a question:  here we are as physical beings.  We all know that we are all pretty messed up here on this planet.  There is so much hurt here in all of us.  There is.   It is what we are dealing with in this focus.  But it is JUST a focus.  It is where this part of us is right now.  We wake up and we begin to feel this cosmic energy moving through us.  What is that all about?

Yeah. What is that all about?  Is it possible that in our focus here, shut down as we have all been for so long, that when we wake up some, what we are doing is we are waking up to the energies that the Soul lives in natively as part of its eternal existence?  When we speak of twin, aren’t we simply talking about the confluence of soul energy, which is a pure powerful and unlimited (potentially) pulse of love that gets magnetized and drawn when we have karmic issues with another person who may also be awakened?  And is it possible that the soul is working out its own issues through us and its own karmic material even as we ourselves create our own.  We aren’t just puppets.  And working out karma is a necessary step in clearing the decks enough so that we can come into a greater awareness of what we are at the level of the soul? Add the flow of prana to karma you have with another person and what do you get?

I mean, aren’t all of these connections just that, karmic connections that have as part of their character all of this fear and running and love and bliss all wrapped up together and what we are each experiencing is both our infinite nature and our finite nature all at once?  And is it just possible, then, that what we are doing is seeking to heal that gap, that rift, that is symbolized by our own karmic troubles that another person is a compliment of/for?  Is it possible that what we each are feeling are our souls and that this powerful energy, when it flows through us, intensifies everything we experience (which includes our sexual draw to another) but that this is happening most often, if not always, through the karma?  Again, a reverse polarity draw? Search your memories if you can access them.  In every single case where a “twin” remembers their past with their “twin” there is always an experience that goes something like this: “He stepped onto the boat and I never saw him again.” Or, “I stood as I watched her being killed as I was helpless to save her, watching as her body was slipped into the grave” or, “A great wave came, one after the other until the boat was capsized. Everyone died. I have carried this guilt over leading them into that storm ever since.”  Something happens that we just can’t get over….and we die and carry it over into the next life.  It serves to shape events in our lives.  It attracts certain people whose own karma is a compliment to our own karma.  If its a case of feeling powerless, then there will be someone who disempowers you.  If it is some deep guilt, there will be someone there pointing the finger at you.  It isn’t that the karma is the same, folks, its that it is complimentary.  You don’t even need to remember anything form your past, though.  Its truth is right here with you now.  If you want to know what your past has been like, look at how you feel and think in your present life.  Don’t like it?  You can change it.  And doing so will change your lifetimes in both directions in time.  Look at where you are and this will tell you your challenges down through time.  the more foundational the issue, the deeper it drives through lifetimes.  It is also often the hardest at excavating from your mind.  Mind the gap.

We like to think in terms of black and white so often.  We can’t, some of us, even imagine how it could even be possible for us to be drawn to a person who, say, stabbed us to death in a past life and we come back starry-eyed about them in a future life.  How does THAT make ANY sense, right?  And yet, all of energy is this way….whether it is expressed in its shadow or light, ANY energy can be an attractive force even if it is what we would think of as “repulsive” or negative (the back stabber, or the one who could not be with us or who abandoned us or simply fill in the blank with your preferred trauma of the day).

As I look back on all of it, I see how I got snagged in my karma in the past.  This snag actually represents a glitch in my ability to feel myself as anything less than what my soul is in its unlimited, unbound, being.  And make no mistake; the soul is independent of time and space, so it is possible for each of us to know our souls in their highest forms dimensionally.  This is, I contend, the very thing that drives all of the cosmic energy, the bliss, the wonder, the awe, and the “5-D” experience as so many have called it.  And that snag formed the basis for a connection later in a life where I awakened the pranic force in awareness.  Simple.  I know it is not intuitive to some folks that energy is this way, but you can see people engaging negatively with each other just as passionately as some people do in a positive way.  These are simply opposite ends of the spectrum.  But with so many people engaging in what winds up being that gulf, the rift, the gap that exists in that dark land “out there” there is often an inability to honestly grapple with the larger issues.  They just seem….so beyond us.  And yet, it really isn’t beyond us at all, is it?  If we have been touched by the cosmic, then we are that, right?  So let’s roll up our sleeves and tend to this gap, right?

The only problem here is that while karma SEEMS to be something that we are entangled in with another, this is just not true.  If you get really honest with yourself you can see how YOU chose to respond in a way that resulted in your feeling less than your divine self.  That means you felt hurt or pain or anything that is less than bliss, right?  I can see how my own “twin” would say I made her feel a certain way.  No, actually, I am not her maker.  I did not make her feel any sort of way.  She made herself feel a certain way.  And this was the substance of her own karmic tangle with me and with others, too.  She believed that I let her down or that I did not love her enough.  But the truth was, I shone with the brilliance with all I could be in the moment, karmic tangle and all.  She chose to want to make someone responsible for how she felt.  But it was she who was feeling this all along, and as long as she did this, she fooled herself into this very dysfunctional way of being (which was karmic because it was not her highest truth). So I ask you to think on what it is that snags you.  What is it?  If you look at it honestly, you can, very quickly, speed yourself to the very nucleus of the karmic tangle with this other person.  You can.

I went round and round with my “twin” on this for years.  I finally woke up to the realization that I had been trying to please everybody in order to win their acceptance or approval.  Why?  This was the hard part.  I did this because….I could not approve of myself. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with ANYONE else on the planet.  It was my own shit.  Mine.  And when I got a handle on that, I began to heal it.  One day, when I returned to speak with my twin, to try and see what it was that I could try and help in healing, she said something that just flipped a switch in my head.  She said, “You know, I am really happy.”  In a flash, all of the energy just dropped away.  It was less that I felt a loss, and more like I broke through some kind of gap or barrier that I had inside of myself.  Poof, it was gone.  All of the tension just evaporated.  What was left was a feeling of easiness. I felt free.  And so did she.  No longer did I feel this compulsion to return over and over to try and complete something.  It was done.  A layer was peeled away and the gap dissapeared. My own energy flowed more freely.  I didn’t feel fear or angst amidst the bliss.  It was just gone.  It was less filled with drama, and it also lost an edge of intensity.  But I also felt more intense within myself.  I also was able to see how self-honesty really did win the day.

I am saying all of this only because I sense that this is what each person in these “twin” relationships is dealing with.  We are all drawing from the same well and we are all slapping our own labels on the same water bottles.  We each make it fit our own circumstances and turns of mind and heart….but at its core it is all the same; we face the inevitable contrast that exists between what we are here on the planet as 3-D beings and what we feel our souls are.  Form the soul we are now opened some and feel the bliss to varying degrees….but we are also grappling with the messy part of being human.  But by cleaning up that mess, I have found, it all can get easier.  And if its not easier, there is more work to do. Chop wood, haul water. I think in all truth what we are here to do is to marry our physical limited selves to the soul in order to create a new synthesis, in much the same way that my own soul told me it was doubling back through time to catalyze change in me now that would ripple down through all my futures in order to lift itself up in that time outside of time.  So what is this force?  As I see it, the force is prana, a very refined conscious energy that is not divided.  It is like water….it flows through us, makes itself a part of us and then flows through the rest of the universe as the universal force that animates all reality and consciousness.  To say it is apart from us misses the point.  It is us and we are it.  As such, prana makes us into something more just as we make more prana by interacting with it.  Creator becomes created….and the created creates the creator…..adding to it in ways we can scarcely imagine.  It is like a beautiful mystery that we open up to as we ourselves grow and accelerate our own consciousness or awareness of who and what we are (which is infinite).

This force is the force that is alive in the universe.  It washes us free from shame when we open to its grand healing force and it crushes us when we resist it.  Right?  But we are each this twin within.  Already!  We were never NOT complete.  And yet, being social creatures, we crave connection, and I think that this is what all of this is about. Our loneliness.  And this loneliness has, over lifetimes, lead to karma.  A desire for that “One” that mythicaly proportioned part of ourselves that exists like our unicorn, prancing in soft focus a few hills and vales ahead of us, always a little elusive.



What I sense through all of this is that in truth we are dealing with karma.  Be honest, look within, and don’t try to blame anyone for your misfortune or else you will get stuck.  And you can also get stuck in the “forever” feeling of the bliss.  If you make it all about the other person as I did in the beginning, you can become dependent on how they are as a baseline for how you are.  Then what you have done is made someone else responsible for how YOU feel.  THAT is codependent.  Someone once told me that in scuba diving they used to have a rule that everyone had to have a dive buddy.  They still do.  But whenever someone had a problem with their equipment, the buddy was supposed to go to the one having the trouble and give them a little of their air.  They were to reach a place of stability at the bottom of the sea floor and once they had each gotten enough air, they were to slowly ascend to the surface of the water and to safety. But what was observed was that people did not ascend.  Instead, they stayed, breathing the air and often wound up running out of oxygen and dying as a result.  I think that in many ways this is what is happening with a lot of people today who are caught in the bliss of the Other and do not push themselves to do the work that they are here to do; to heal that gap, that rift, which the Hindu call “samscara” or soul scar.  Otherwise, you are a person who has inherited a great treasure but are unable to use it.  You awaken, but you do not improve or evolve.  And isn’t this what awakening is all about?

The challenge with someone who shares karma is that by connecting in this way, the karmic energy is intensified.  Rumi said something, I think, about just feeling a burning building.  Just leave it.  By going back to try and “fix” it, we each descend back into the karma.  Ask yourself what is yours to heal.  Do that work.  Surrender.  Let it go.  And then, if beyond the karma there is something there for you and your “twin” then it will be.  And if not, then there was an important lesson learned and a lot of healing that took place.  But we do not go into karma with another, we simply find a foil for that karma.  I might feel the need to gain approval because I lack that in myself, so the foil for me is to find someone who will approve of me.  Except the glitch here, if you will notice, is that rarely will you really find someone who will deeply accept and approve of you until you can find it first within yourself.  You gotta be really honest here…whatever the karma is.  Pick the flavor…your choice.  But be honest with it. Then you can heal it.

Its not easy to be so incredibly honest with ourselves.  But I can tell you that when you feel the dread or the hard feelings in awakening, THAT is your shadow lurking.  THAT is the awareness of your own karmic backlog.  And while its hard to feel it, liberating it is so freeing and so healing.  Suddenly, by healing some block, you wind up erasing a small part (or even a large part) of that samscara.  And how beautiful is that?

I remain unconvinced that there is such a thing as a true twin soul.  I say this because I have not yet seen it.  I know some have said it exists, but no one seems to have an experience that matches the perfection of it.  Maybe what all of this is is just our awareness of our own soul perfection and we are each trying to embody it in our lives right now.  And if that is so, then the “twin” simply helps us in pointing out where our rough edges are.  Yes, it can lead to pain-and what is this pain, though?   But no, it belongs to no one else but us. When we can get that honest, then perhaps we can use the force of awakening to our own advantage and rocket ourselves to a better place.  The lure of remaining in the “forever” of the bliss can become a stumbling block.

Lord knows the world needs more people who are easy in themselves and who have blazed a trail through the collective awareness of the species in order to effect a miracle for themselves.  What we each do in this regard accrues to ALL of us.  I know this to be true.  It is part of higher-dimensional awareness.  We are all really one.  We never were separate.  This is the illusion fueled by our own over-reliance upon the ego and on the self.  We will always remain self, for it is that self that knows that when it touches the divine it is “it” who is doing it.  You see?  It is like this big experiment in a particular focus in awareness that we are each experiencing….All one, all individual, and all here working it all out. I remain hopeful because the current trend in awakenings is a pretty audacious outcome with so many of us waking up.  But waking up is just the beginning.  We each have so much to work through; how to get out of our rational left brains and into our right brains more….into the “shakti” side of ourselves in order to be more receptive, softer, gentled, and full of our grace.

I know this has been a lot to digest.  I do hope, though, that it helps you to see things with a renewed perspective.  All is not lost.  Is there a way to learn how to work with these higher-order connections?  Maybe there is.  Maybe until we are able to clear away the “debt load” on ourselves in much the same way that the Hindu monks do in preparation for kundalini, working for years to clear the energetic channels called nadis, things will remain turbulent based on whatever our own personal karmic issues are.  But far from considering karma a punishment, karma is simply HOW you choose to see the world and respond to it.  When you change one, you can change the other.  Being aware that we can change is what gives me great hope for all of us.

I know that I have not given you neat tips for coping with your twin. Instead of that, I hope I have helped you to gain some insight into this phenomenon and learn to see the bigger picture so that you can grasp the bigger issues that rest in your own soul life.

All my blessings!


This was what I wanted to drive home in my last post….which was that now as I get down to the root chakra and heal it more intensively, something has emerged for me about it and how important the root is.  It’s a foundation….I was not able to really see how much of a rock it is in our lives.  I have realized how important it is to build a good foundation with it. Now what that foundation looks like for you I can’t say. What fulfills you and bring you wonder and a good life perhaps. It is different for all of us because we are all different.  For me, I know that very recently with the healing and movement of old blocks from my root and sacral that it has allowed me to have a clearer view into that part of my energy body.  Knots tend to obscure some. I knew but did not know.

At a certain point all energy flows into a vast current of energy.  All energy from the planet, from each organism, from all life both physical and non flows into a vast surging and churning sea.  It goes from small to big to gigantic.  You can’t believe how huge it gets.  You realize that all of this is this hum of energy….we want to divide things out and say this is sexual energy and this is not and this is third eye chakra energy and….and really, it’s so much like clay.  You can knead it into any form you want and we fool ourselves with thinking that any part of it is any different from any other part or vibration.  It is all clay.  Some make teapots out of it, others make white rabbits.  It’s all CLAY.  You see?  I focused on my root being so powerfully sexually that I lost sight of its many other facets.  I had shoved down so much hurt into my lower regions that it lodged there like most people do and was turned into energetic fossils, forming stony motes in my soft energy body that hurt once kundalini turned on.  Ouch!

I think that I thought I would somehow lose something if I lost the sexual energy, so I kept it in a place where it was less than healed.  It was the last thing I was able to let go of.  It was perhaps the one thing that gave me joy and bliss but that also was forbidden and was turned raw by the built up or latent pain from the past, the shame and hurt.  What is so interesting, though, is just how much more dimensional the root has begun to appear to me.  It is so much more than just sexual or survival.  It is a certain earthy charisma, it is a vibrance that feels really good to be around. It is also the essence of abundance.  It is magnetic and if you just let it flow, this force can be felt in your body in amazing ways.  Breaking free from the old strictures is wonderful.  For me, for some reason, this step was not a sudden dropping away of the veils as has happened in the other releases of old karmic material or energy knots in my light body.  This one seems to need to be forged anew.  It seems to need or something in me knows this basic part of me had gotten misshapen over time.  But it is alright; it is all clay, right?  So day by day I keep working at it, trying to not repeat the mistakes of the past and learn from all of this that has come before me.  The idea that in changing we will lose something is itself incorrect.  It happened to me with this misnomer called “ego death” which wasn’t a death at all, and it has happened with releasing old blocks.  Something in me thought I would no longer be me even though it also knew that no, that is not what is happening in letting go….I am revealing a deeper self, my authentic self perhaps for the first time and THAT self absolutely shimmers with all sorts of energy.  It just gushes with energy all the time.

(Its wonderful)

Spiritual broad life force….sensuality, sexuality, mental energy, and more all bend out of, split from and move back into this giant current.  It can be pitched to become sensual, pitched to be sexual.  It is we who do this.  It is itself the entirety of all things…..somehow I know this is so.

I don’t expect it to be perfect, but I do expect to feel perfectly about it.

There was a time when I lived for others and told myself I was selfless. Then I realized I was living for their approval and realized that I did not love myself half as much as I needed and they did not love me half as much as they could have.  I let that go and have been reorienting myself ever since. This need to be a victim has got to go!  Being around this energy breeds more of it and its a terribly disempowering attitude. Where did I go wrong, I wonder?  I had some splinter of a thing left in me that had to be worked through I guess.  I should be thankful for those who have helped to point out the problems that remained in me as a result of what I have attracted.

I think that unless you are able to take responsibility for what you have created in your life, you wont ever really get to a place where you are a conscious co-creator.  As long as you shirk your responsibility for your own experience means you can’t touch fully how the energy drives through you from an atomic to cosmic level. For those who cannot, they are too busy handing their power over to someone else for one reason or another.  Then it becomes everyone elses fault for just about everything.

Pound pound pound, I forge the dross from this iron will.  What shall I create?  Something marvelous!

I tried to edit this so that it would be short(er) and it seems it needs to be about 2k words.  It was 3.5k.  I hope that you can get through this and that it can offer you some food for thought….I was talking last night about the concept of ego death with a friend and how misleading the term is….but what lies at the core of that term is itself something that can help people a great deal, which has to do with HOW the ego is used or resides within the self. Unfortunately the term ego death also does not help anyone who has not yet gone through this to understand what on earth it could be.  What I feel is important is learning how to let ego sit at the back of the bus.  Ego is still there, though, because ego death is itself a misnomer.

I also want to make it clear that acceptance is something that you use for entirely productive pursuits, right?  What is the line between simply accepting someone’s bad behavior and not?  Obviously, you do not let someone roll right over you.  That would not be healthy.  However, you also don’t put yourself in harms way by getting involved in a situation where its pretty clear that the person or event that is problematic for you is going to cause you problems or hurt or injury. In both cases, you have to exercise discernment.

Acceptance.  It seems so simple, so straightforward, right?  You are right, it is.  Things that are this simple and uncomplicated are most often won through a very simple and straightforward process.  It is so simple, in fact, that it eludes people.  It eludes us when we are upset because we are stuck in an emotion that wont allow us to feel what we need to feel in order to accept.  That and being upset is the antithesis of acceptance. The advantages that acceptance offers are huge and are like a bank that offers ever-increasing interest over time simply because you grow better and better at it as you go along if you remain focused on acceptance.  Acceptance is something that is learned and that you respond to in an ever-increasing way in your life as you pay  it heed.  What things do you need to aid in acceptance?

The first thing I am going to tell you is that acceptance is a choice.  If you understand anything, understand this. Your seeking to change how you feel about a given situation that has had you tied up in knots is going to be a choice that you will make.

I am going to offer some suggestions that are all part of my own practice that have led me to success in the past.  Some of it is even rooted in older traditions (whether I knew it at the time or not).  So consider acceptance a practice that you grow into incrementally.  It might not be reasonable to expect perfect results within a given period of time. Be patient with yourself and grow into it at your own pace.

Let The Ego Go

Acceptance requires that you allow ego to drift into the background.  To do this, identifying too much with a position or feeling that you feel you are entitled to that serves to keep you upset is obviously doing you no good. Ego does this!  One very good way to let your grip on ego (or its grip on you) go is to simply become an observer in the moment.  Step back for a second and forget what you were so upset over and just WATCH.  Don’t judge.  Just watch and observe.  As you do this, you will probably find that you are already becoming more relaxed and calm.  It isn’t that what you thought or felt isn’t important, you just aren’t worrying about it as you begin to become an Observer.  There is a very good background in meditation practice  for observation of ones thoughts and feelings and surroundings for the simple reason that it works. Being the Observer allows you to drop your investment in a harsh feeling and shift from emotional investment to something more neutral. It is also a capacity that we all as humans have because of our primate brain.  Using it can be very positive and could be key in unlocking how you respond to things that keep you upset.

Its All About You

The really great thing about acceptance is that you don’t have to get into a heated exchange with someone in order to learn acceptance. In fact, you can start small and build your way up.  Buddha spoke about suffering and he was clear that the suffering he was talking about was small suffering that found its way into our daily lives.  Of course there is larger scale suffering, such as the loss of a loved one, but what happens when the store is all out of the sour cream you need in order to make the dish tonight for company?  I know it may sound a trifle, but these are the very things that create within us a low level form of suffering….

Observe and Shift through Breath

The next time you are in a situation where you wind up not getting what you want, say, not getting the sour cream or bread at the market that you need, step back for a moment as you feel yourself feeling upset and pause for a moment. Not getting the sour cream is perfect because its less likely to overwhelm you and you can use your training wheels more and observe without knocking over the apple cart as might be the case with harder issues.   If you don’t know how to observe yourself, do what my third grade teacher told us to do when we were upset; hold our breath to the count of ten.  What this does and other things like it is it breaks the chain of obsessive thought or recursive thinking so you have a better chance of returning to stasis or greater normality in your thoughts and feelings. Until you can master observing your feelings maybe holding your breath or having a time out will work for now.

One very good way to calm yourself emotionally is to use breath.  One very good way to relax is to use single nostril breathing.  It works!  Simply plug up one nostril and breath deeply in and out through each nostril for a count of four to five breaths, alternating between each nostril until you begin to feel yourself relaxing.  Keep doing it if you want, since the benefits will continue.  You can also use deep steady and slow breath as well, but it does not work quite as well as single nostril breathing.  Once you have done this, observe how it has made you feel.  Build into your mind and awareness the shift that has taken place as it will likely be easier next time when you are looking for that elusive state of calm!

Change Your Mind

This is the hard part….which is where your own choice comes into play and is also the part that makes acceptance so hard for some people.  You have to WANT to accept something that just moments ago had you upset.  You literally have to CHANGE YOUR MIND.  To do this means you have to decide to actually change the character of your thoughts and your feelings. You have to be willing to take the yellow brick road and pave it over in, say, purple brick instead. The entire landscape of your feeling self has to change.  This is why I have mentioned observation as a key player in helping you edge closer to acceptance because most often acceptance requires a change in your mind.

To change your mind one very useful means to this end is to reach a state of grace.  Now grace might sound like an almost esoteric thing to you, and I say that it need not be.  I have observed grace quite a bit and I can tell you that there are some very clear alternative routes to grace that do not require you to carry a Rosary or bow down in saffron robes.

Let Grace Flow

Grace is itself the act of opening ones self. Grace flows when you are receptive, not when you are rigid angry and shut down emotionally.  To know grace you need to first be calm and neutral. remember the Observer?  That, or hold your breath tot he count of ten. Once calmer, you REMAIN calm and then allow this receptivity to move through you and change how you feel.  It is this receptivity that is Grace that will lead you to a place of acceptance.  I will tell you that when you are creative, Grace is there.  IN fact, what we call Grace is actually a form of cognitive function that involves a broader brain being put to use.  Creativity is itself connected to Grace.  In order to be creative, you must be willing to PLAY.  You must be willing to set aside whatever you were thinking and feeling in order to throw yourself into the imaginary world of that play, whatever it happens to be.  For children, this might mean being in an imaginary realm.  For adults, it might mean solving a problem using creativity. It also means being open to the possibility that things could change.Ask yourself over and over “whats the greatest and highest good for this?”  By doing this, you train your mind to consider that there are options you may not have considered.  It also keeps you more pliable.  And just so you know, feeling as though you want to “give up” is itself NOT a bad thing!  This is itself most often letting go of an outcome and letting go your attachment to a position your own ego self may have held.  This is part of what I am writing about….which is a form of surrender.  You can still surrender while you are wrestling a 600 pound gorilla.  You just quit.  You give up (ego).

It is also coincidental that when you are receptive in this way creatively, that you are much more likely to have those inspired moments and visions that saints and seers talk so much about having.  I can tell you that a religious experience or spiritual experience only happens when we let go and allow our imaginations to be free enough to bear the information necessary for the experience to unfold. Yes.  You heard it right; you have to imagine.  But what is so different is that once you have met the spiritual half-way, it then takes on a life of its own. It is more than what you alone could have probably come up with.  Einstein did the exact same thing when he discovered Relativity; he let his mind wander and he let his imagination out for a walk and that was when he and the universe smacked into one another in a rather marvelous sort of way and changed our world and the world of physics forever.  This same state of mind or being can help in any number of pursuits or problem solving.  it can also lead you to a solution beyond the problem you are having, which has to do with acceptance.

Some other things to bear in mind that may be helpful to you is to learn to be present in the moment.  When we direct our attention away from the present moment several things happen, but one really big thing can happen, which results in  string of challenges for all of us.  When you leave the present moment you are suddenly dealing with what is not yet known.  That is a very uncertain space.  On the one hand, this type of thinking allows us to do some planning in our lives, but it can also get entirely out of hand.  We can plan so much into the future that we are simply not living in the present anymore. The reason why this is so undersirable is that it is a misuse of your energy.  It also can lead to fear and uncertainty….and while I wont call this sort of thinking a high level form of fear (fear of the car going off the road or the sky falling) but smaller and thus more insidious sorts of worrying and edginess.  Like small particles of sand, they infiltrate into the substrata of our emotional lives and help to create a low level form of dis-ease.  Small things can grow into big things over time and this can all turn into neurosis.  I have observed people first hand in my life and how this can take over your life in ways that can entirely blind you to the fact that it is even happening.  After all, what harm could a small grain of sand do?  So be present! The more you wander, the more what-ifs you will be dealing with and these just can’t be answered properly except in the present. SO do what you can do in the moment and let the future be the future and you will have to deal with it when it becomes the present.  it isn’t even that you don’t care about the future, its just that you cannot change it except by what you do NOW. Don’t get caught up in the what if of the future.  DO what you can do NOW so that as each moment passes, you will live it in as calm and happy way as you can.

For full disclosure I will say that I have had to deal with some pretty tough forms of acceptance in my life.  I have.  I had to accept the death of a parent and move on.  I had to deal with the loss of a child.  I am still dealing with these things and I have found that all of this work goes in layers. There is a lot that I have let go but there is more I have yet to dig down into and decide its no longer worth holding onto.  I know that the things I have passed on to you do work because they have helped me a great deal in doing the work I have done in my life.  I wish I could just drop things entirely, but it seems that our feelings and souls are built the way we dress, which is in layers.  But layer by layer, these things fall away.  Big things often go first and there is great relief from letting them go, which builds enough momentum for me to be very hungry for the next layer to go, too.  Just don’t get discouraged if you find that there is more material beneath the layers you have shed.  Be easy on yourself and be kind.   The deeper you go in this kind of work, the more interesting it can become, but it can also seem kind of endless.  Well, perhaps it is, but isn’t it worth it?

So be present.  Be grateful.  Check your ego at the door and keep expectations down. This doesn’t mean that you scale back hopes and dreams, you simply do not focus on them at this point in time.  And then have at it. See if this results in your having a bland life or one that is quite unexpectedly exciting and wonderful.  You might be surprised.  Go at life with wonder and let grace filter in as part of the transformative mix that aids you in your work.  Let the glass be half full and it will be. You can do this by simply learning acceptance.  It soften ego, it makes your mind more pliable, and your emotions far more fluid and accommodating. When you do this, you wind up being closer to your authentic self, which is at peace and filled with bliss.  Suddenly all the problems of a moment ago begin to fade and the angst does too.  And you will begin to uncover your native natural self if you are lucky.  You will feel this very delicious feeling….almost like you are falling or floating.  Energetically, this buoyancy points to your being more free.  And that is a very good thing!

~Good luck~

Reading through some posts of others, in the most synchronistic of ways, and in perfect timing, I cam across a thought that has been the same thought I have been thinking on and off for months, years.

We have a great deal of shame surrounding sex.  There are religions that make it the most unclean but necessary thing, which of course seems a bit paradoxical when you think about it.  At least I do.  I can remember sitting through a sermon at my grandmother’s church, though, where the pastor talked about sex.  He said “….and after all, God created sex so there must be a path to it that is holy….it can’t just be something unclean….”  Sometimes surprises lie in the most unsuspecting places.   The taboos on sex are so profoundly dug into some of our cultures that it is a wonder anyone is able to access any of its great potential for spiritual liberation.  Yes, liberation.  This is the essence of tantra, which isn’t so much about sex as it is about allowing your own energy to move freely through every inch of you, and this includes the current that we think of as feeling sexual.  We have divided ourselves into all of these boxes for what is right and wrong, good and bad.  We have divided ourselves, you see, and in our shame, we have locked away the greatest secret of our souls.  I am talking about sexual energy, it may seem, but it is way more than that.  It is like discovering one day that you are this river and you have closed off a whole slew of tributaries that have kept the flow of your own current at a slow and pitiful ebb.  You just never realized it was slow and pitiful.  To you, it may have seemed perfectly fine.  Such is the life of those who sleep.  Upon awakening, this tributary is un-dammed and the force of its waters, which is JUST energy, flows through those sacred channels of your river as fresh water moves through your veins and pushes you powerfully towards a still deeper ocean which waits for you,, gleefully, hungrily, happily.

The journey through awakening is undoing all of the division within you.  When you can dissolve your misgivings and shame about your own sexual energy, you have dissolved a most important dividing line that keeps you from experiencing the infinite.  We are not meant to be divided.  The only thing that divides us is belief.  Conditioning.  You decided to feel shame about sex, about your body, about your own true beauty.   Something in the culture or in its institutions seemed like it was more powerful than your own native divinity and you shut if off, shut it down, a process that has taken place probably for countless lives.  It is for some reason an ingrained glitch.  it is time, I say, to let that all go.  And be free.

Being free does not mean being promiscuous.  While it is said that kundalini is a sexual energy, I tend to feel that most think this way simply because they have never really FELT their sexual energy in totality.  We are so used to feeling other channels more and so we have kept our channels of energy through which our sexuality flow tightly controlled and managed.  But in letting go, you don’t become promiscuous.  Well, perhaps when awakening first comes you might not know what to do with this relative flood of new energy coming in. I can remember driving to the studio, my hands gripping the wheel, wondering how I would get through the day like this.  So yes, it was a bit of an adjustment.  And yes, there were efforts to release this energy in order to find relief.  The realization I had was I could bleed this energy 24/7 and it would not touch its flow.  It was then that I rethought all of this.  I sunk deep into its source and it showed me without words that this was just what it was and there was nothing wrong with me and I was to get used to it.  I was to get used to it in the same way I had gotten used to all other forms of energy.  I was to simply become a vessel, a channel for it and to not hold onto it or see it as any different than any other form of energy.  My challenge was to undo my shame about it and let it simply flow.  The curious thing about releasing shame and owning your experience is that it makes things a hell of a lot easier.

Normally when we feel sexual energy, we tend to want to DO something about it.  It is a powerful motivating force, certainly.  The interesting thing is that its energy is not somehow exclusive to itself.  It is YOUR energy and that energy can also be focused into other things if you want.  It can be shifted and used in other ways.  There are other currents very closely aligned to sexual energy, and one of these is creativity.  I have been writing about how to release blockages using creative energy.  It is perhaps one of the single most effective methods and it does not require you to believe anything, or buy into anything.  I know that in years past I was a bit taken aback when I would feel sexually aroused during the act of creation.  Inspiration is itself VERY similar to the act of intimacy.  When I  observe the symptoms of inspiration I see all the same symptoms of sexual intimacy.  The difference is that in inspiration it is the fusion of the two polarities within the self which bring forth the burst (like orgasm) of the inspired moment, the big “A-ha!” moment when the light goes on over our heads.  And what could be more enlightening than the moment of orgasm where you lose yourself and find yourself all at the same time.  SO very much like awakening, except sustained throughout the days, weeks, months, and years.  And you learn to contain this, channel it, and deal with it in a way that is harmonious and meaningful.  Whatever that means.  Or you struggle with it, try to make deals with it, maybe try to bleed it off in the vain hopes of somehow lessening it.  I don’t think that this energy, kundalini is merely sexual, it is ALL energy raised to a higher pitch. An optimal one. We focus so upon the sexual part simply because it seems so novel or new or previously taboo.  It is just part of what and what we are from birth (not from puberty) as it mirrors a characteristic of our souls.  When you open the doors to your own unbound soul energy, which kundalini does, the lights turn on, the volume increases, and everything is far more vivid and alive.  Because you are.

In reading just moments ago on another blog, the writer said it perfectly, the same words and thoughts I had encountered….which is that it is just energy.  And if we dam it up, if we seek to ignore it, it will do just what all repression does to us; cancer, degenerative diseases, depression, fear, anxiety.  All of this has its lasting effects on the body.  The body can turn on a dime chemically if you let it, which is why kundalini is said to give us greater youthfulness.  Certainly the aging process has slowed down for me.  All of my siblings have grown grey and I am the only one remaining with a head of dark hair.  I am not the youngest, either.  I am not saying I don’t have grey hair.  I am getting it, bit by bit, but the last seven years has shown a range of very real physiological changes.  When we can be more true to ourselves, to our soul, to our bodies, we will tend to be a lot healthier. I do not really talk about this at all to anyone, and I certainly do not sneak sexual innuendo into conversation, which is just…..creepy.  But what I do is I LIVE this energy in the moment.  I feel like I am a flower bud that is in a perpetual state of bursting open.  All the time. I know that just its presence has turned heads, has caused waitresses to stumble over their words, to lose their thoughts and then turn redfaced as they apologize for not being able to speak.  I have observed how people who didn’t notice me when walking by me often turn my way as if they are looking for something.  This is the one phenomenon I notice the most.  This is the subconscious self waking up but not enough to tell them just what it is that they are picking up on.  So deep is their slumber.  But just because you slumber does not mean you are doomed to sleep.  You simply have to become aroused.  Roused.  By something.

In truth, the world hungers for this so badly that it often is the reason for so much strife.  We are literally hitching ourselves to a post that we weren’t meant to be hitched to.  And we strain against the post the rest of our days.  If we could but shine this on in life moment by moment, we would probably feel less repressed, less unhappy and perhaps more of an inspiration to our lovers and loved ones. Everyone is pretty grumpy when they are still tied to that old hitching post.  It just ins’t natural.  And when you can BE natural and just FLOW, why all that frustration evaporates.  You can just let this thing glow all around you and envelope you and just not worry.  Instead of it needing to channel itself through your genitals, it turns into honey and courses through your veins and comes out as a lovely ambrosia through your pores.  It oozes out of you, it causes heads to turn.  I have seen how people will hop to it when you know how to shine it on.  And I don’t mean manipulating people.  I mean being natural.  The natural state.  Eden.  Here.  Now.  This is the way that we were meant to be, and everyone knows it.  Its just that most sleep and are not aware that they are dreaming. They think “that” thing is the dream and what they dream is real. It is all backwards.  The real world is the world that lies within you since THIS is the world that will greet you when you leave your body to live on in other forms.  This inner world is the real world, you see, and if that world isn’t made right, then how do you think you get on in the next with so much division and mess in there?

So kundalini cleans that up for you, or tries to.  We, we act like we are so busy with the work of awakening, but in truth, the more we just stand out of the way, the more effective the infinite is in cleaning up our mess.  This is in truth the higher self doing this.  It is a higher range vibration that IS us.  It is our own souls energy.  It is very much like being visited by a time traveller in the sense that here is this highly refined state of YOU now alive in your body.  It is this way because the soul lives outside of time and thus is not bound by it. It is hard to even believe this could be true, so used we are to this time-bound hitching post.  But that is just what it is.  And this soul, it really has no use for systems or methods or beliefs.  At least mine doesn’t.  It is in what I can only call a preexisting state.  It is the rock that touches the surface of reality, but keeps skipping across the water, but unlike the rock, it never sinks all the way down into the water.  It is connected to your earthbound self, for that self is a projection of it, but it is able to know itself in this realm that is nondual.  In this awareness, it knows itself as part of everything and can feel and touch and taste everything. It just ins’t limited.  Just imagine what you could do with something like that. Imagine what the world would be like with a couple million people churning their depths like that.  As a being who is my guide in this life (I discovered in awakening) said to me, “It’s a game changer.”  So step aside and let IT do the work.  It is a heck of a lot easier if you do.

So if you want to think this is all heresy, go right ahead, but the facts are with me.  Sexual energy has refined me, connected me, made me more intuitive, more in touch, and more alive.  It is not some foreign agent, but is just what I am.  And I am happy with that.  Very happy.  It brings me miracles and fulfillment simply because I see now that there is a better way, a much easier way.  Less and less, life just isn’t the struggle it used to be.  It isn’t this because i am getting out of my own way.  And trust me, I really really got in my own way all the time.  I told a friend that we are like blind spiders who spin the web of our lives never realizing that WE are the ones creating it and then, turning around, seeing the web we just wove, shake our fists at it and curse it as if it was God/dess or the world.  It is just us.  My friend pointed out that there was something in one of the Vedas that said something very similar, just without the blind part.  Well, I am in good company, but even the Vedics could be taught a thing or two.  And we all can.  And it isn’t like I am atop some great perch or anything.  I am subject to all the same contractions of consciousness, its just that I know they are a choice I am in that moment unaware I am making.  Such is the nature of our own self made blindness.  But each time, I take something from whatever I pull away from.

We just aren’t meant to shrink away from anything but to let it all flow freely through us.  It is in the desire to clutch it that we have problems.  The energy is meant to flow.  We can use it, but I have found it works must better when you just let it be that freely flowing river.  And this is what I am deep down, a great flowing river.  In fact, my first awakening dream led me to a temple kind of place that I knew was my soul and in the center was this wellspring that came up out of the ground.  It flowed the strongest at its source and you could see the entirety of everything reflected in it.  This is so not because of what I am but what we ALL are.  It just is.  It isn’t ego or any sense of self importance.  It is just how we each are connected and it seems creation needs to move like a river in order to remain vital and healthy.

So sexual energy is like this.  When we shackle it with shame, it darkens it and slows its current.  We lessen it and put rules around it.  When allowed to be free, it does not seek to impose itself on anything or anyone.  It is not seeking anything except to know itself ever more brilliantly in the moment, which also serves to increase your awareness of it in the moment. It seems creation NEEDS this potent energy along with all the other currents moving through you. It is actually incredibly hopeful and inspiring.  I find that I no longer pretend my feelings way or shove them down.  I just let them flow.  Bit by bit, I am wearing away a backlog of shame about the simplest of things.  This all leads to a very natural state of self love, something that is vital and missing in the world.  We mistake it to mean selfish love, but it is not this.  Not at all. It is worshipping at the one altar that will ever matter, which is the soul you were given.  THIS is the holy of holies.  No graven images.  You are the image of the divine, see?  YOU are.  And as you undo all that kept you from feeling like this was wrong, the closer you get to the Holy of Holies, which is inside of you. And me.  And inside everything that IS.  All that is created is sacred.  All has its own inner temple, its own font of divine energy waiting to flow once the divisions are lessened enough to permit it to enter.  This is not narcissism, it is divine.  Instead of seeking love from others, we find the love inside of us already.  Then that love will heal the holes in our bucket so that we cease needing to depend on others for approval or love or all the rest.  We return to a place where we are okay, where we are enough and then we can be full and inspire others to be full also. If I am always full then I am never lacking.  If I am empty and seek to be filled by another, that other may not always be available or capable to provide what I desperately need or seek.  This becomes the root of so many problems.  Be full.  Then others might heal simply by realizing there is a more sane approach, which just happens to be the opposite of how we have tended to do things here.  At first it takes some getting used to.  Ego is so affronted by it sometimes, but as you wear that away, it becomes soooo much easier.  And life mirrors that.

As ice and snow fall down around my house, a day full of working in art with my students, I get to come here and tell you about a wonderful thing that waits for you that is so beautiful, so breathtaking that you just. Would. Not.  Believe.  In fact, it is something I have hesitated mentioning because I knew there is no way to convey how incredible this thing is.  But somehow, I must.  Like poets writing and scribbling day after day poems about love, catching bit and pieces and sometimes entire swaths of it, I surely must try to do this justice.

I never knew anything like this existed.  It lay ahead of me like some sweet juicy secret.  It only came when I had done enough “work” at shedding material from myself I suppose.  It also came when my kundalini went into overdrive.  Huge waves of it would come, first giving me a day full of nausea and then the nearly overpowering waves would hit.  For as sexual as kundalini is for people, what I was experiencing felt like trying to stand up in the midst of a tsunami wave coming in.  It was a little scary I will admit because I could tell by the nausea the day before just how strong it was going to be.  These were those days when kundalini would come washing in over me and would press HARD against every weak spot to try to find a place for release, for flow.  I was tightly sealed, a nice hermetically bounded lock box at that point, a year and a half into awakening and thinking I had it all down.  This was before ego had gone through its collapse, a long drawn out affair where I held on without realizing what on earth I was holding on to. How do you dissolve an instinct?  This was what it felt like, like I was seeking to dissolve something that was instinctual.  I felt backed into a corner and I just. Didn’t.  Know. Why.

I suppose, I think, that this is how it is with many who feel the rush of kundalini come on after having already awakened; entirely new waves come onto the scene as the self unwittingly calls out the genie from the bottle, which was exactly what I had been doing without fully realizing it. I had been questioning some things about what others had been saying was a fixture of the experience, the soul connection (also called a Twin Flame or twin Ray) and it just seemed like so much of it was built on half knowing and a lot of inconsistent information that simply was not my experience.  Blissful, yes, but not the be-all that some people were trying to suggest.   The problem was how some were trying to say that a twin soul would never be mean, could never hurt you, and knew you better than anyone else.  I found that this twin was hard, mean, and punishing.  I found that she was chaotic, hurtful, and unable to control her emotions and would fly into rages and say some of the meanest things.  The curious thing was that this was a pattern alive in my life, with my ex wife, and with others who would be connected to me.  It seemed to me that this was more a case of the Emperor having no clothes, and something just wasn’t right with all of it.  So it led me to question a lot of things, and this, it seems, was the catalyst for a sudden and powerful shift and change in my experience.  Little did I know at the time that I was letting some genie out of the bottle.  After the genie had already come out of the bottle.  Or so I had thought.  Which is a way for me to explain that there are levels to this, depths which you may well reach.  Once you feel you have reached or attained some great heights, there is always a higher mountain.  But it in no way lessens the epiphany-like revelatory-filled moment when you release something that had limited you unknowingly for years, perhaps lifetimes.  And yet, it is on to the next step, the next block, the next realization as though the world you are now in is a new one.  It is as though one traverses new worlds each day, versions of a world that piece by piece, clarifies or gets brighter.  this isn’t even a metaphor, but how it actually becomes, and the events in each world do change as you swim laterally agains the current of this mighty river of worlds and find yourself in the same world, but a different one.  Tomorrow, the piece I will write will exist in another world yet still be in this one.  An infinity of them exist, I suspect, what Jane Robert’s Seth describes as the “Unknown Reality” which is simply probable realities which exist most definitely.  I had just dipped my toe in and something was pulling me, dragging me off the continental shelf of the ocean of my  being.  Into the deep water. Into the dark to do work with the shadow, to undo me, to shift ego, to soften me, to heal me, to zero-point me to some other place my soul obviously yearned to be.

It had been not long before that that a being, a man,  showed up in my room.  He was very tall and he had these piercing light blue eyes.  He had in fact been in my life before during a time of heightened awareness, year-long “summer of awakening” of sorts where I saw him as I lay in bed.  He had shown himself to me in his forms, and this was curious because he would show up as an old man, a young man, or middle-aged.  He would appear differently to me, but his eyes always had the same look.  At the time that he came to me, I had not been shown that he was the same being that had come to me some 23 years previously.  He was just a sudden and very large presence in the room.  There was nothing at all about the experience that was the least bit concerning.  I felt peace and calm in his presence.  He stood close enough so I could see him in my inner vision.

Something happens when the third eye region is activated; it is a subtle shift with eyes closed to feeling as if your inner eyes are open. I had always though of this as “astral sight” which always came on just before I would project out of my body.  I would suddenly feel as if my eyes were wide open and I could see the whole room.  Only thing was my physical eyes were closed.  But this was what I was experiencing and this being told me his name, that he was a Seraphim.  He said it twice to make sure that I got it.  Like it was important somehow. Not being an angel person, I only dimly knew that this was some type of angel.  He proceeded to reach directly into my heart center and he pulled something out of me that took me completely by surprise.  It felt like he had pulled my insides out.  I had the awareness of something dark and old and dead that he had pulled out.  Information in this moment of contact flowed through me so fast it is hard to even explain the rate at which all of this happened. I was “told” or I knew in an instant that this was the “body” of old “expired” karmas that needed to just go and which had lost all their power but that were occupying space in my field.  I was shown a series of foods to eat as I was contemplating a fast. A stream of information flowed through his touch while he reached into my chest, my heart chakra and said, “You are more beautiful without this.”  It was as quick as quick could be.  He admonished me not to try and take this material back into me and he explained he was going to show this to “Source.”  The effect after he had done this was a very clear and vivid sense as though I had something quite real removed from me.  My body felt less cluttered, clearer.  It was as if I had a body inside of me taking up space that was then suddenly pulled out.  This resulted in my lungs feeling different.  I felt a point at the rear of both lungs for days that had a sensation associated that felt as if something had been torn away.  My throat chakra area also felt like something had been pulled through it.  A long standing block in my throat was gone.  I was unable to sing for nearly a year after this because how my muscles worked now were different.  I grew up with this tightness in my throat and had learned to sing with it in the way.  It had affected my voice, how it felt, and how I used it.  Now, all of that was gone.  It was a very physical feeling even though I realized all of this was energetic.  This is an important reminder to those awakening that some physical sensations are often etheric.  People who go out of body often don’t realize they are out of their bodies and will go to turn on a switch only to find their hand goes through the wall.  This is because the world of the etheric, although not physical, is a very real place that is the next level removed from the physical yet occupies the same space.  It is the energetic counterpart to the physical.  It is like the soul of the world just as you body has a soul in the physical organism.  This should cause you some pause because it means that all things contain an energetic blueprint, that all is energy, that all has sentience even if your own senses cannot pick it up.  Chief Seattle, when he spoke of humans being part of the web of life was very likely speaking directly to the reality that all things are connected by this vast webwork of energy that unites all things.

While he was reaching into me I felt something that is simply indescribable.  It was a pulse of love so powerful, it was like becoming a conduit for a high powered power line…..except it was love energy.  My body rippled and flowed and pulsed with this energy.  I was amazed and observed so carefully as if everything was going by slowly.  This was the most amazing thing ever!  I wanted to understand it, to know it, to become it, to learn how to BE this energy, to live in it in the day to day.  If I could do this one simple thing, I knew all would be perfect.  As it was, I could not imagine how I could manage to anchor or hold this energy for any length of time.  My mind was a whirl of things as all of this took place.  It was kind of silly that I wanted to know this thing because there was not trying, there was only experience.  I KNEW this.  But I wanted to soak it up, to remember it, to know it so deeply and remember it in case I ever felt myself lost or removed from it somehow.

Then, a few months after this event took place, and my then-wife thought I had gone around the bend, I was sitting scanning a book online that was about Nondual Saivism.  It was something about the triadic heart of Shiva.  The title of the book got my attention because in my experience, the triad was pretty big, three forces I felt in this energy even before I knew it had a name, so I took notice (even though I had not done much reading in any depth about any of this stuff). The triad was important to me;  Mother, Father, Child (Christ).  As I read this book, I suddenly felt something in me let go.  Something in me just surrendered so deep to the love and bliss that would come that I felt it blow through me with a force so strong that my back arched upward, my head flew back and I was unable to do anything except feel with every piece of me this wonderful feeling. All of this was centered in the heart.  The heart just trembled, trebled, and flew open.  The sensation was of my heart chakra opening in a way it had never done before on its own.  This feeling was much like the Seraphim who had come to me that night.  This time I was opening up to it. I observed what was happening in the moment. To say that I felt like a bride ready for the bridegroom would be accurate, and is actually the same metaphors the early Christians used in describing the bliss of this experience in awakening.  This was the sensibility that being one with the Mother (the divine feminine) allowed me, and which showed me how to be so deeply receptive.

I will tell you that my state of mind in times like these multiplies into a host of channels or tracks.  It isn’t that I split, but that I enlarge.  Parts of me that may not be focused here now move into sharper focus and I find I can use them while also being in other states of consciousness all at the same time.  It is a lot like having a series of processors in a computer that can process all at different speeds or vibrations.  I can have a very rational part of me active while having a deep mystical side active while also having several other parts of me operating in their own native environment, all without any sense of paradox or contradiction/  It is very much like how we usually operate in the day to day with all the parts or sides to ourselves except it has been taken up a few notches. I do not become blind to the world, I do not even lose my normal focus in the world.  It is more as if my consciousness forms a kind of….tube that expands outward.

Imagine that consciousness is like those antennas on stereos and rabbit ears on televisions.  Each section extends outward, with one end getting wider while the other end is narrower.  Well, my consciousness was all there, but had this extension or added dimension to it.  Something in me was expanding outward and what was expanding did not take away to my normal focus but added to it, creating a rich experience in the moment.  In moments like these I can have a part of me that is incredibly focused, almost as if I am suddenly composed of many people all taking notes and taking it all in.  This one part of me just observed carefully. What I noticed, that seemed so terribly important to explain is that this superstate is in fact possible by making a choice.  This choice is in letting go or letting down all your walls in a rather radical way.  But if you do let these walls down in this complete way there is nothing else in your awareness except what floods in.  It is very much like your psyche has been holding back a whole realm of experience.  It isn’t even that you haven’t discovered awakening, it is that you have actually been willfully but unknowingly holding it back.  Scared. Afraid it would turn you into a murmuring crazed lunatic.  Like you would lose all control when it comes around you.  And yes, you would lose control, but only because you chose to let go.  But in letting go, the curious thing is, we step into this wonderful superstate that is beautiful bliss, love, wonder, and awe. But at the same time, you can think about the grocery list and how you need to get taxes done.  The only difference is that here, nothing bothers you.  It can’t.  How could it?  Well, at least, that was my experience.

Bread, milk…..blueberries..detergent…kale….green onions….sprouts….baking powder….vibrating…

Then another part of you is just in this wonderfilled space.  How can I even explain it?  But we get there through a choice to let it go.  All of it.  All of what we are.  What if you just completely disrobed before the All and let yourself be completely naked before it and just let go?  That was what I had done.  Something in me was just tired of business as usual.  Kundalini had settled in and was working its magic for me, sure, but this.  This was a whole other gear.  And to think we can get there by just doing it, by choosing it.  As I watched carefully, I saw how I chose to let go, that this was perhaps an uncommon sort of letting go, but it was ALL a choice.  It was not an accident, it was not some unknown.  This was all under our control.  And that was the problem; we have been trying to control all the wrong things….and then calling it “normal.”  The world, you know, is really quite mad, by the way.  I just thought you should know that.

The odd thing was that I continued reading and found the book explaining what I had just experienced half a page later.  I would find that I would begin to have these odd “anticipatory” experiences while reading certain books.  Certain ones on things like this.  Old books. It felt like to me that the higher self was saying “You do not need a book to tell you about this experience; you can experience it directly as all people can.  Why read about it when it is in you to be?”

Later that day as I was working in the studio, it came again.  I was grinding glass on a flat mill grinder, covered in water spray and a fine powder of glass.  My head arched back and I felt my body move into a convulsive state. My chest rose upwards and I just wanted IT to take me, to take my heart.  “This is what they mean when they talk about kriyas,” I thought to myself.  It felt GOOD to just let my body go and follow the flow of this energy.  This was the posture of bliss. This is the position our bodies go into when we experience incredible pleasure.  It is the opposite from the fetal position which is a protective blocking pose.  I was pulled into this force, part of it, originating within it and coming to it and becoming it all at once.  Once this happened, I went back to grinding the glass and just feeling into this earthquake of sorts.  Again, the same observation; this was not automatic or accidental, but allowed, a deep level choosing and very willful.  Something in me was learning how to just let go completely, wildly, wonderfully.  Something in me, like a shutter, was opening wide.  It was my heart that was opening wide and the main locus of the force was flowing into and out of my heart center.  It felt as if my heart had opened unimaginably wide, impossibly wide, and nothing could stop what was a natural force that would then flow through it.  It was as I had discovered that in the body there are all these hidden switches, like a hidden switch box in the basement you never realized was even there…. that if tripped, would send a thousand volts of pure love ecstasy shooting through me.  I realized, too, that the tsunami waves that I had experienced earlier on in my awakening that gave me a great deal of anxiety was part of this same energy.  The difference in how I was experiencing it now was that I was embracing it in such an innocent and direct way, which was what made all the difference.  Just a year before, this force was like a hairy 800 pound gorilla that would glower at me from the corner of the studio, ready for me to go to bed so it could clobber me.  Curious how it all changed and so drastically.  Well, it didn’t change; my perception did because my feelings changed.  I had let go of enough fear that it could be seen differently.  I surrendered.

So what are these experiences?  Do they have a name?

These apparently DO have a name and they are called Heart Openings.  They are simply earth shaking experiences that will show to you the potential and possibility that lies locked up inside each of us. These experiences are singular, but also greatly empowering in their scope, effect, and potential. These are the experiences that this angelic being would tell me when I was so tied up within myself that I would know if I could just stop getting so tangled up in my old feelings of hurt and old pain.  “You would not be doing this if you knew what lay on the other side of this” he would say.  I would nod in acknowledgement and wince through the pain, unaware that all of this, all of my suffering was itself a choice.  I had simply allowed myself to believe I had no control.  The control was all mine, as it is yours as well.  But before I knew this, I had painbody like you would not believe. the experience was akin to having my fingernail pressed on so hard that all I could be aware of was the pain.  I hate to sound so dramatic, but for those who have gone through this, I am saying this so you can know that if you do feel this kind of pain, you can most certainly exit from it through this surrender process. You are not a prisoner.  You are the master if you so choose.

How do we reach these places?  What lead up to them?  I know that for me, my experience was intensifying during this time period.  During this time I was working hard on being focused on letting go.  I was allowing myself to just let go of so many big and small karmic threads that were holding me in a pretty dysfunctional life and relationship.  I was just letting it go and not worrying what anyone had to say.  I had worked so hard at providing for my family and now I saw how when I needed a moment, there was so little consideration or support, so I just took what I needed.  What I needed was to let go, and I did.  Quietly, privately, without a word, I just let so much  go. I knew if I spoke about how I was having so much fall away that it would have been seen as somehow being irresponsible, uncaring.  In a way this was true.  I did not care to remain in that old energy.  I HAD to let it go.  It was almost like survival for my sanity.

When you are touched by this fire, you cannot go back to the old life.  I just no longer cared how anyone would see it or seek to turn it.  What I had been in was a pretty neurotic world where living a good life was about  maintaining a form of insanity that everyone took to be normal.  So I “worked” hard at just letting this force remove as much as it could.  And it did.  In the midst of this, in the midst of questioning what many were taking for granted as what a “real” awakening was all about, I found my energy changed, heightened.  My higher self knew something, and I had to get there to him somehow.  I had to be in his place. I had to know what Christ called the “father” or the masculine alignment of the divine.  This was my higher self.  Jesus also spoke of being one not just with the father, but also with the mother…..but that is for another time.  It was the masculine side of all of this, though, that provided me with the decisiveness that I needed, the forward thrust of energy that would get me through all of this.

As a result of this, a series of cascading events took place that led to a period of intensive karmic release.  There was a lot of it, but I will also say that there was a lot more to let go of.  That is the curious thing about ourselves.  We have this backlog of material that we have to let go of. Lifetimes worth of it, what I came to call “the inventory.”  Krishnamurti would describe his experiencing of this as “when the saints go marching OUT.” (The Mystique of Enlightenment) He had all manner of things flow out of him during a critical period in his process.  He described all of the archetypal forms of saints and philosophers just leave his inner space and were gone.  As this crowded space was emptied out, there was then room for a great something that some call “nothing” and what I know is simply the presence of both ourselves and the divine (which truly are not separate in reality but which we make divided in our awareness and in our belief and feelings of shame and guilt).  Maybe heaven on earth is when we just make enough room inside ourselves so that heavenly realm can have enough room to stay with some modicum of comfort.

This process is not a rational one, though.  It is a deep-seated want or need that goes beyond knowing. If something is to be let go of, it has to be total, otherwise there is some part of the ego or self that is holding on to it and it remains.  At least that has been my experience.  You have to surrender so totally to know it so deeply.  It is like when you give yourself to God, God is not able to take you as fully when you have your hands and heart holding even the slightest shred of something.  To unite with the divine requires a totality of feeling if you want the deepest depths of it (and yet, I suspect it is all a matter of our ability to know how deep this all goes….which I suspect is entirely without limit and would blow each person’s personal fuse box to know the limitlessness of it….hence Waking the Infinite).  And this is curious, too, because you DO reach it in degrees while still holding onto things….but the experience of it is limited to the degree that you clasp onto some idea or limiting belief.  God’s love is without condition or limit and it seems to do best when you have nothing standing in the way of that union that feel perfect.  Then, once you have gotten to this place of release and more release, it may be possible to feel into a still deeper place that longs for this “unknown” nutrient, this “unknown” (but native) mystery of an experience which will crack you open and make you one. Here, you decide to just let all shame go.  All guilt, all trouble and trespass with others are now nothing, forgiven, and thus in that moment of grace, the infinite flows. And then it comes.  Naturally.  Certainly.  You decide.  You come to this divine current simply by wanting it so much.  The universe will conspire to see to it that you reach it.  You just must remain persistent.  If it is worth something to you, then you will do what is necessary.

So much of these experiences drive a desire to live and breathe this 24/7.  I “get” the devotion that wells up within a person as a result of these experiences. In a way, it may seem unusual, but once you have tasted this, you cannot go back to the old stuff.  It is like champaign distilled from stars.  Who would be happy down on the farm after THAT?  So life becomes increasingly like a prayer, a great big Ohm.   More and more of this seems to seep in.  The old way fades as the self is changed, reconditioned, set aright.  An amazing wonderful thing becomes simple, present in every bud that bursts open, in every sheathe of grass and in every turn of the wind.  A new life, a rebirth, takes root in you.  You become twice-born.  I say changed, but it is a returning.  It is an erasure of past patterns, a return to  a primal state.  When I say primal, I do not mean as some see it as primitive.  I see it as the prime state…..where we exist outside of time and aware of all eventualities and are not limited.  We are our souls.  And if you touch a soul, you will know the great wonder that it is.  It is perfect simply because it has full acceptance of all that it is and all that the universe is.  there is no struggle, no problem, no issue.  Because of this, love is free to flow.  This love is not a love you have likely ever felt, for it is as much a feeling as it is a palpable force that moves through your entire body, like a fire that once existed down low but which is now washing your entire being and in so doing, is removing all shame and issues you may have had with its sensual union-building capacity.  I think the sexual energy is so strong in kundalini simply because it helps to serve the union with the divine so well.  It exists as a kind of analog to being at one-ness with this vast force that goes beyond any limiting notion of personhood or even identity for that matter (even though it knows that IT is and exists as itself).  But once we heal this divide, we find the bridal chamber of the early Christians.  It is we who have the hangups about sexuality, and you really do have to begin to heal this part if you are to enter into the Bridal Chamber unhindered….

This, I do feel, is the resurrection (and the life).

The challenge is in remaining in it.  For just as opening to this bliss is a choice we make, it is also a choice we make to flow back into those hardened states of old again.  Learning not to follow the old and to embrace the new is the one important lesson I have learned and which I have to remind myself daily and even moment by moment to hold in my being.  You would think that this changes you, and it does, but perhaps we need something in us that will remind us that we are not that old person but something new now.  Embrace your truth.  Embrace this sacred fire which will burn it all down and build it back up.  We are are only human ….AND divine!

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