The Initiation

How do I tell them

that you dwell in all of the smallest

and thus through the All?

How do I tell them how You exist everywhere

in everything

utterly ubiquitous

seemingly silent

except for how present you are?

How do I tell them

that the path to initiation

is by way of joining the

Two Currents

of thought

feeling

brain

mind

and archetype,

and that nothing less

will reveal

your presence

to them?

How do I tell them

that their religions have been poor substitutes

to the glory

wonder

and awe

that is you?

How do I tell them?

How do I utter your secrets?

The problem

is there are no secrets.

We have chosen to close our eyes

our inner-seeing eyes

whilst looking outward

through eyes made

of gross matter only

chosen that as the truth

forgetting that it was the Creation

not the soul that inhabits that Creation.

Who can be bothered to seek deeply

only to find

everything is a prop

a stage set for a story whose plot contains

a diminished message

while a deeper truth abides

curled inside of everything.

It takes real inquiry

honesty

and so simply

the doors do open…..

To know the One

focus your attention

on the smallest place within you.

At the smallest level is where

the One rushes in

and inhabits all of us

quietly

and without our permission

or knowledge

like ancestral DNA

whose voice can be heard

beneath the soft sigh of imperishability.

It is below normal awareness…..

its power is so strong

that once awakened,

you should be ready

for a new life to form

filled with meditation and practice

to working to release your inner resistance

to the work it will do in you….

thus the old life can change so much.

With the two currents awakened in your awareness

you can join two “eyes” of your being

into the one eye

which initiates a flow all through you

and undoes you

that you might know

see

feel

and abide

in your riches.

It is near the third eye where the currents

flow one into the other

naturally

continuously

and the only one who has not known this

has been your concious awareness.

This is the point or merging

opposite forces

into one

for the sake of Creation

the Dance

that returns and supports

all creations.

This is the rebirth

the ressurection

the awakening

to a new life

as though the flesh were dead

and which is now alive,

more alive now than ever.

Here,

mysteries can be known

felt

experienced

like a contiguous map

or landscape

uncompounded

consistent

whose golden thread

runs through everything

and can be illuminated

when you bring

both sides

of reason

and irrational

imagination

concrete

the warm

cold

full

void

into unity.

When these twin forces merge

everyone experiences

what can only be described

as an extreme state of bliss

that is orgasmic

and which releases

this energy all through the body

to heal

cleanse

and return it back to love

so that this bliss

is used for larger purposes

like enlightenment

illumination

and ressurection.

Here is where it begins

a fine thread

you grasp

that takes you through itself.

No images exist here

but pure spirit

will carry you to worlds

beyond this one

but straddles all realities.

The thread will take you to every answer

your mind seeks

all origins

and being.

A vast library is built of this thread

the one living invisibly within us all,

threaded through all thought,

all action,

all events,

all matter

and all that was

or shall be.

You shall inherit this

upon Initiation.

Touch this Presence at its smallest

within you

and you will know it

outside of you

through all things

for we are all connected by this thread

of golden awareness

linked to imperishability

and new life.

You do not need to believe anything.

This exists before all dogma

all belief

and will correct all wrong thought

when you submit yourself to It long enough

to wear away the stones cast into your heart

and sou…..

There are so many hurdles

Errors which we each have created

lifetimes of them

and yet

the world of them will come toppling down

when we each enter more deeply into this force

that is love

that is your emanation

your presence

your life

within us.

Join the two

open your whole being

let it invade you

and undo you.

You needn’t be afraid

for each of us who are already awake

will be standing silently within you

as your eyes open

to this new world…..

Your vision will slowly clarify

as you are healed

of your error

and you will see clearly

more and more

like swimming slowly

up from murky depths

to the light.

This can take a lifetime to clear

or only moments

and when the Two are joined

a current will begin to move in you

restoring you

to the original state.

Here,

you use both reason

and imagination

like a man and woman

hand in hand

in close union

with respect and care for the other

left and right brain

Shiva and Shakti

Yang and Yin

together

nonantagonistic

moving evenly in peace

which produces

immense pearls of bliss,

further healing you from past error

and illusions.

These things were once spoken secretly

behind stone walls

and only to the ‘elect.’

It is time

that we see

that it is time

for this teaching to be opened up for all to know

the good new spread far and wide…..

but who shall have the eyes to see?

Those who are ready

can inherit it

but only by joining irrationality

feeling

fluidity

with the rational

and solid

for the new Arrangement

to take form,

the mystical marriage

of the Alchemists.

This is the only Initiation

that has ever mattered.

Who then shall hear?

When then shall see?

Advertisement

Restoration

She was taken out of the equation

a divine light

which darkened our spiritual skies

we called her presence pagan

or worse; consort of the devil.

Why did we do this?

What were we thinking?

We we mad?

Amnesiac?

Those dry canals

could not stand

to feel

the full force of their being

their intellect

along with their emotion

their physicality

love

their sex

because they were ashamed

and fearful

because when the goddess entered the house

it was lit aflame

and gave birth to worlds

We fear this in ourselves

until we do not.

How much longer will you hold back the force of truth

in your own body

your awareness?

The merging into the two

is an act so intimate

but is done without anyone there….

a great silence

an emptiness

full of fire and flow….

a mystery

I am here to initiate you into

a mystery I seek to show.

We will go mad without HER in our lives

look at the march of Christianity and Islam

they forgot their sacred feminine force

and have gone mad.

Its been one conquest after another

without her presence adding balance and compassion

We have invaded, taken, stolen, destroyed

all in the name of divine providence.

This has been done in the name of the angry

frustrated

lonely

man-god

and his clannish club….

I am bringing back her breath in me

I am bringing her breath back to the world.

I am turning back the great spring of our awareness

to bring back the old wisdom that kept us safe

sane

and sound.

Time to open the halls of heaven

time to bring the Goddess to her God

in the Bridal Chamber of the soul.

Without and Beyond Belief

This post began as a small rant on Facebook and then grew far too big to even consider keeping there.  Instead, I have placed it here for those who find these kinds of ramblings to be of interest.  -P.

Years ago I realized the problem I had with religion….ANY religion was the belief part.  It wasn’t really some personal problem or an ego thing or….it was a lot simpler.  I grew up willing to ask myself is belief even necessary? I mean, what if you just started from the premise that instead of believing, you simply inquired about the things that most folks have a a belief about?  I realized that in doing so, I could solve any nagging issues about whether something was real or not.  And mind you, some things simply do not lend themselves to this form of authentication or checking out.

But a lot of things do.  And most people do not know how to go about authenticating their experience.  When it comes to that, humans are mostly all thumbs.  Or rather, they have been trained to be like that.  And why?  Because one serious problem or drawback when swimming in the waters of belief, I have found, has been the hand-in-glove tendency for beliefs to require you to cleave to an authority figure of SOME kind.  Whether priest, priestess, mullah, or pastor, these two things tend to go hand in hand. And that is really a problem.  Why?  Because when it comes to authority, and spiritual things, being able to listen to the authority within is really important.  And a LOT of religions tend to weed that one out.  A LOT.  Oh yes, people will say that they do listen within, but its all within

So what is forgotten in all of this is what I have come to observe is that the gateway of all experience, all of it, is within each of us.  It then makes sense that this gateway must be clear…..but all-thumbs human does not know what this means or entails.  Like a glass darkly, we distort so much within ourselves because its just now….prepared well.  And look at our brothers and sisters walking the earth. God bless them, but we are all a mess inside.  A mess.  So much so that the only way through a life inwardly is by following what we “believe” is an accurate and unimpeachable authority to follow hoping it will not lead us into a ditch.

But even the grasping for a teacher is itself a belief, if not deeper down and less noticeable.  We all have our flavors.  And yes, this will upset people, but when you bite into the deeper unpresupposed, naked, and radiant truth that stands before us. The teachers who got it will be known for how deeply they partook of it and were able to convey some important aspects of it back to us, the great unwashed, the unseeing, the ignorant, the untouched by the great and brilliant white light of this space where some of us have been known to reach.  Our belief also turn our most important teachers into gods or very nearly so.  They did it with Jesus.  It is now without a question that he was God.  Mary was argued over in the early church and those who said she was a woman who gave birth to a man (yes, this happened) were pushed out into the wilderness (literally) and the flaming tires of the term “heretic” were tossed around their necks.  This left these people at odd-ends to say the least….so powerful was this desire and drive and belief.  The belief.  The belief.  Oh the belief!

But what we do not talk about much is that our books on this man are all cherry picked for us by people who lived thousands of years ago.  We say the teachings are perennial and thus do not change….and this is funny to me because I know that as humans, we have a lot yet to get right.  We are ourselves unfinished and thus our own wisdom and passion and intellect and how we use our minds and our souls to grasp reality and the divine cosmos are all in the process of becoming.  We made a lot of assumptions two thousands years ago about what we thought was right and not right about what that man taught.  And you know what? Buried in these heretical books I have found, for my own use, incredible gems of what I call the “Apex” teachings of Jesus.  They were dumped I suspect because the people could not understand them.  And so we got the KJV (King James Version) with all of its subsequent sub-versions that further push the interpretation further and further afield.

So this begs the question…..if the path is through yourself, then why not polish those parts and find the place within where the teachings can become manifest.  Or known.  Or felt. Or experienced.  Directly.  Why not?  Just because you don’t believe it is possible is by no means any kind of test for the validity of my statement.  It is itself what the rest of what religion has become, which has been a hijacking of our ability to think not just in a reasoning way, but in a deeper more spiritual way….which is much more free than the rather cramped quarters my brothers and sisters in various and sundry religions have.  I will say that my freedom has allowed me direct access to some things that I read about from yogis and saints.  Its true.  And isn’t this what we all seek?  Or am I wrong? Why do we seek it, then, through belief? What I have access to is not through a form of belief, but through direct experience.

To get there means you have to take incredible leaps.  They are not leaps of belief, though.  They are leaps that have to do with knowing how to use your insides.  It means undoing limiting beliefs.  Perhaps there IS a belief that does need to be held to until the rewiring is complete, and that is that within each of us is the means to know the divine reality directly.  Its interesting that its the Native American holy men and women who were on to what this was all about.  They would pray that they would become like a “hollow bone.”  This meant, obviously, that they ceased reflecting on what they thought they were experiencing and just let it flow through them.  They did not distort or interpret the information.  This, though, is incomprehensible as an experience for anyone who has significant distortive material in the way.  The leap, then, is a very real one. It is one more of faith, than of belief. The difference?  Belief will land you where you expect based on what the belief tells you or requires of you, but faith will land you in a place completely unexpected, unmade in your mind, and thus also quite possibly free from as many of the tethers of belief than would have happened otherwise.  If you are lucky. And this, I say, is not based on something I believe as much as what I have to this point experienced.  Now my interpretation could be faulty, yes, because even I do not escape all belief.  Belief is itself so incredibly pernicious a thing that it lies like dark fry (small fish) in the rivers and creeks of our subconscious.  The deeper you go, the more you find.  The fish sometimes make us think that our purpose is to fish those streams when in fact our purpose is in knowing that we are to join the river with the ocean that is in our being.  And what is there?  Our teachers have recalled these places for us and some of us have reported back about it.  One thing is for sure; belief is not required.

So through all of this even from a young age, I felt like there was a way through the dogma and from leaving my brain in the parking lot.  It has led to opening the heart wider and using the mind differently.  It has sparked immense creativity.  It has also led to deep swings from bliss to depression. Its been difficult, not easy, and also easy as pie when I can get “it” right.  I am plumbing my own depths as much as I am learning to let go of the things that limit me.  Like belief.  And to be fair, there are more beliefs to let go.  But once you let go of the big ones, the smaller ones, the day-to-day ones are what are left, or were for me.  This is where some of the most practical inner work has been done and it is also the hardest since it lies closest to the ego and our sense of self. Or my self.

And this self does not cotton to the thought of being obliterated…..even as it has offered itself up for obliteration on a daily basis and have only found that the grain gets ground ever finer….

Some believe the way to God is by destroying the ego.  Some believe that we are fallen and have no chance of ever getting up on our own. There are beliefs that we are not good enough individually, and also that there is some enemy out there.  I have sen these beliefs tear apart families.  I have seen people brainwashed by belief, and some of them have been in my own close family.  And the effect has been incredibly destructive.  And painful. And, like Buddha, I suppose, I ask myself about the way out of this suffering Way.  And for me?  The way is partly through the abandonment of belief in favor of going to find that thing that I feel tempted to believe. Doing this requires humility, a kind of emotional plasticity, and a willingness to be completely, absolutely WRONG…..and then being willing to set about changing it, or at least being on duty while the change is being made (largely by the higher self).  All of this is much too detailed a thing for me to hit on specifically and not turn this into a small book, so I keep to the edges and to the docks and away from the sailing spaces and oceans so deep and ineffable.  🙂

So this has meant that instead of believing in God, I have been impelled to just go find this thing. How do you do that? This gives rise to questions, naturally, very big ones, but we save the questions for later and address them one by one carefully.  Yes, there is a way to know about God and death and all the questions that dog us and keep us up at night or terrify us as we grow up enough to know, holy shit, we are each going to DIE!   In my mind as a youngster I asked the question.  How would one go about finding out what lies beyond that transition?  I mean, without any meaningful information, we are all just guessing, right?  It is this kind of inquiry that has led me to some interesting places.  When I was 9 years old I figured that the best way to deal with the fear that grips each of us here about our demise here physically, is to learn about what might lie on the other side of that place, if there is anything.  The advantage seemed to be a win-win.  If there was nothing, then at least we would know and we would also know that this is all there is.  Or, we would find something more and we would know more about the conditions of that other place.

What I found was that bit by bit, I got my questions answered.  In a myriad of ways.  There is enough there to fill a book, so I will save you, but I will say that as you seek, you will tend to find.  That old maxim holds true.
What’s interesting is that within some dogma, there is a limiting belief that essentially says that one should not go messing with the powers that involve finding this out.  It is, itself, a kind of straw man argument, which essentially creates a false premise from the beginning just to knock it down, as though it was real in the first place.  But it, like so much, is a belief.  And belief has the power to toss all kinds of adrenaline into your body in order to create the illusion of fear and dread, which tells you that this is a path you ought not go. But its belief that does it.  Most people just never bother to unravel the packaging as deeply as this to find out that this is the substance of these things.  Ego and belief dive all the way down into the marrow of our most primal of places, places many do not ever bother to even plumb, yet exist and all of this stuff goes deep, one as deep as the other, and is part of the tyranny of belief that says be will be cast into everlasting hell-fire or that we need to destroy ego in order to know God.  Both, just as ridiculous and impossible as the other.

I found many years after this journey that there was another person who had advocated what I was advocating decades before I even knew who he was, or that he held just such a position.  It was U.G. Krishnamurti who spoke and taught a version of this idea that he called “The Pathless Path.”  When I first read about it, it felt cold and sterile until I caught on to what he was trying to say.  And of course U.G. liked to shock people.  He was also a curmudgeon.  But behind all of this was something very similar. Look within, inquire, and learn about the contents of who you are and dare to go deep.  Most people are frightened to death to go deep for fear of what they will find.  Doing this deep delving is the same as the shamanic shadow work and also the same thing that Carl Jung advocated, which was turning the unknown into knowledge, into awareness.  Shadow work is a healing experience that relieves us all of the neurosis that besets us and our loved ones who seek to find purchase on the soil of our common shores together. When we do this, we make the dark into light, and the dream into wakefulness.  We also move the subconscious into conscious awareness.  We raise the submerged lands within the self out into full awareness.  And what happens is that the self operates different.  The “machinery” actually changes.  What I have seen is that the light body can become like an incredibly brilliant transfer point for vast amounts of information.  All of this is possible without drugs or even any exotic practices or methods.  The path, which is for another post, is about how the chemistry in the body can actually potentiate awareness and energy so that what was once a weak signal can be boosted.  It is the same thing that we do with probes in deep space.  The process of doing this in the biological framework is one of self discovery.  it does not require belief.  But until you have reached deeply enough into it, it is best not to say what you think all of this is because until you do enough shadow work, you will be heavily laden with belief and this….dear friends….is the great distorter of reality.

This is the way I have gone in my life.  I have sought to erase fear of death by learning what is on the “other side,” and I have sought to know this thing so many want to call “God” and I can tell you that its unimaginably big, so big that we have sought to create demi-gods instead of actually comprehend the full breadth of this being, if you want to call it that.  It is much more accurate to call this being an idea more than a being.  It is an idea that seems to have sprung self-made into being….and it has spawned endless creative enterprises.  Just endless and incredibly various.

The world I have discovered in this place of non-belief has been quite incredible.  It has shown me just how incredible we are, and that there is so much more than most people realize.  It has not led me to some vacuous place, but to realizations that I may not have ever reached otherwise. And the difference?  I am closer than I have ever been to the stuff of the universe.  I am closer to my own inner depths.  I am also able to look more clearly at my own junk and work with it.  Do I have illusions?  I do.  This is a peeling away of the material, this is true.  It does not leave me empty and naked.  it just leaves me unafraid of being empty and naked.  The nakedness is about my own shame and empty is itself a state that sometimes is useful for understanding so many things. To know the new, to really know the newness of some state or experience or idea, you have to really let yourself be empty in order to not presuppose anything, to prejudice the material with your own suppositions about what you think you are experiencing.

This began as a post on Facebook, and it grew to be much too big.  I also have friends who are themselves quite dipped in the river of belief, too much so to make a post of this order possible in such a forum.  So I put it here instead.  Besides, Facebook is the realm of the sound-bite.  Even here, on WordPress, posts are most often under a thousand characters.  I find that by exceeding this amount, I get the seekers who are most serious about what it is they are doing.  And it is this that I like….a perennial engagement amongst common minds and souls who are seeking something of themselves in what they find seemingly “out there” only to find  whisp of the infinite staring back at them in the mirror and winking……a knowing that we could all take off our masks and we’d all be more interconnected than we had previously thought….born of something the same yet also individual and one.  What a crazy way to start things off, right?

The Source

How do I say

without eyerolls

that I enter into a place

where I turn into something

that touches the All?

There are no altars

no candles

no scepters

nor crucifixes

or ankhs

but a vibrant presence

that changes each time I go

the going is itself a deep surrender

and my vibratory rate changes

deepens

and peels away into bliss

like love distilled

and burned as light.

This being is there

intelligent and aware

it is watching everything

because it is IN everything.

It is here that I sense a love

that it feels for every single thing

that it is itself

through this marvelous creation

that seems to have emerged from it

in a time outside of time

with no real inception

but an expanding sense of the conception

born of all aspects of its own being

which we here see as yin and yang

Goddess and God

the current cycling that is expressed in electricty

solar rays

and our very consciousness.

It is energy turning itself into everything else

and is thus connected

continuguous

boundless

and bounded all at once.

This being

it pours over your life

but remains silent

because that is just how sacred freewill is

and freewill emerges from individuality

and so

monks and gurus and yogis and all the rest

who wish to say “Kill the ego!”

are to me entirely deluded in their task

for this is by definition a sacred cow that this being seems to always respect

and hold dear.

Our individuality is no less an illusion than this being’s individuality.

Killing it only reveals the folly in such things

for the cosmic mind touches our own mundane world and mind

and you just can’t escape it.

So why try?

Here, come this way….

It is here in letting go so deep

that you can feel this being

which is the All.

Comprehension expands each time it seems

and what I see one day changes the next because I change and it changes each time  the embrace ensues….

It is like a vast switchboard where all channels are open from the smallest to the largest.

Here the words “split the stone and I am there” is understood.

It is in everything

but to see it

you must see yourself so clearly that all of this comes into view.

the good that you are is seeking you as much as you are seeking it….

like star-crossed lovers

this is

and this being

like it or not

wishes to seduce you in any way that you are willing

when you set aside your righteousness and sinful thoughts.

It is beyond sin

and thus is itself the sexiest lover of all

for it has no shame

when it gets so close that it can feel your breath

and caresses your soul

in that embrace that changes you forever.

 

II.

This is where it begins.

Looking inside, it is like I turn inside out

with bliss.

This is a lesson  “seek the bliss and you find me”

It says.

But it is true that to find it

you must cast aside your shame

and be like a child

innocent

but sexy.

Our sex is one channel

one of many

all equivalent

and capable to bearing experience

of the divine here in us

the divine everywhere “out” of us.

We are all made one by this

because when we go to God and Goddess

we all go to the same place

like stones upon a great medicine wheel,

looking into the center

turning in the dim light of night

seeing the same brilliant star

all from different angles.

But when we reach it

it takes us completely.

It has been pulling at us for ages untold.

And here we are.

 

I have seen this great burst of Presence,yes,

but it contained no trappings of anything you might relate to.

Pure feeling

it felt purely

everything.

We say God is uncaring for it has remained outside our lives

and yet what I know is its is silent

only because it honors our individuality

our freewill

and that freewill has been in getting lost

from the very source

that is our lives

that is our redemption

and is the great wellspring of our love.

Why can’t we love like that?

“You soon will”

it says,

“….the closer you get to me”

it adds.

 

Like a blind woman reading braille,

this is how the God and Goddess read our lives….

it is not enough to see

it is everything to feel

as their invisible fingers trace every lost part of our days

the invisible core of our days

which we tread over the surface

never realizing that It resides within our self-made journey.

It loves us and wants us so much

that it just can’t stay out of our business.

It is there

like an egg waiting to hatch,

a world within our own.

A path lying within the core of all paths

a smile within our own

the love amidst the loneliness.

Quiet, yes, but yearning us

and when lit by its fire, we yearn right back.

We yearn perhaps imperfectly

but it still smiles

because any drop of our yearning it would take

because we then are on to a great mystery

which is its own to reveal in us.

It is the mystery within the mystery

the love within love

the soul of yearning within the body of yearning.

Its thoughts lie curled up in our own

just as we are curled up within its great mind

which goes on forever

in infinities enough to make you run red-cheeked from view.

“This is my love….

it has never been any other….

silent and unyielding as a great center point of everything….

waiting for you to come join in the feast.”

Here, you learn this God has been silent only in appearances

until its utter ubiquity has shown itself in everything that is.

It waits for you

and while it does,

its great love continues to unfold for you

as its great incomprehensibility

is its strong suit

so that every moment with it is like a sparkling gem with facets beyond count

the best of everything.

 

None of us are alone.

We might wax sad in those moments when our illusions grip us

but we know the truth

because we are more than the surface paths of our lives.

We make like stupid mongrels

when we are the royalty awaiting our kingdoms,

an inheritance

beyond all measure.

 

Here, within you is where you may find what you are looking for.

No cars or money or love of things will quite do it

for its simpler than that

but finer than All.

Its love is like that

and I could go on

like this

singing sacred mantras to the Light…

For All Fathers

We are asked to be strong to not show our feelings, to suck it up and to move on.  We are asked to be rocks and the world seems surprised when we become that.  But even more disbelieving when we show that we are soft inside.  Its not easy being a man because of all of this training we have done to ourselves.  All of us.  Women want a man who is strong, and yet a man’s true strength cannot be known until he allows himself to break and become vulnerable.  We want that steady force beside us to make us feel confident when in truth we need to learn to be confident within our own selves.  When we ask for it from without, trouble surely is waiting, for all things genuine begin first within, not without. We know a thing deeply within ourselves first before we can speak of it or teach it or become it.

Today I will not spend any part of this day with my children.  I cannot tell you how much this pains me, how much it hurts.  The day is a reminder of the hurt that the other who is also a parent to my children wishes to exact on me.  My children have been told an untruth that is in the words of Anais Nin the way we see the world less as it is but more as how we are.  It is not easy when you were the provider for your family putting in long hours to give them a good life only to be ridiculed, criticized, destroyed before your children and behind your back.  I know it sounds like I am belly aching, but in truth contained within this is a great big question.  Its not obvious as first.

So I take this as a sign that I must look deeply within.  Touch the Spirit that lies in the center of all of this, that lies in the center of all things to draw from it the inspiration that I need to see things rightly instead of wrongly.  For just as wrongly has the mother of my children seen me and expressed to them how she thinks I am, I too have seen her wrongly.  I have not seen the world rightly and this has been the source of my troubles……very hard troubles they are.

So today I embrace the mystery, I embrace the love that I am.  I radiate with it and while I may not have the answers I can keep embracing the mystery and asking what it is I am to learn, to open myself completely before it all and not be afraid.  For it is there that the Source of all things resides and it is in that presence that all things are possible. It is our own divine inspiration.  Literally.

Today is still Fathers Day.  My children will be aware of it.  One will be thinking of it dourly and angrily, seeing only what he felt he did not get from life and from me while another will be feeling guilty that she has not stood up to speak truth to power (or madness).  In both cases, though, I will shower them with my love even as one has vowed the meanest hardest things.  But nothing rational will explain any of this and the only way through this is to take the stone I have been asked to become and render it into fluid moving molten magma.  The greatest strength is in our ability to be gentle and kind and compassionate. Even when we are alone.  Even when we are reviled or hated.  Even moreso then.

Being a father IS about being strong, but its not the kind of strong that you might think.  Sometimes it asks of you to be way stronger than you ever thought you could be.  Such is the calling and the discipline required. With the day being unusually cool I am going to be blowing glass and thinking of my children and wishing them all great things in their lives even if it means not being with me.

If these people are dreams that will fade right along with the nightmares of my life, then so be it.  If they persist and transform, even better.  If they move out of my life then I suppose this is how it must be for them, but I will not pause in telling them that I love them, have always loved them, and will always love them without expectation of anything in return.  Surely the mystery of All lies in the center of me radiating love even if it does not itself receive anything back from me.  True love is like this I suppose and its less something that you learn as you become.  The love I feel can no longer belong to the Soul of dysfunction.  There MUST be a better way.  While it is not my fault that a spouse has said and done the things she has to my children in an effort to brainwash and propagandize, I most certainly was drawn to this person who contained all of these potentials within her since before I had even met her (and it was all there for me to see if I had been willing to do so—I saw and ignored them).  I think we think as parents that we are supposed to be perfect, but we aren’t.  We are human. We become parents not knowing how to change a diaper let alone how to care for another human being in such an intimate and involved way.  We are all rookies driven by love and the desire to become and be and learn and grow.   If we can manage to stay one step ahead of accidents or disasters of one kind or another, we consider ourselves lucky that we didn’t burn down the house because we left the stove on while sleeping exhausted after being up all night with a fussy baby, or that we haven’t lost our temper because we have just had to deal with a baby for the ninth night in a row who can’t seem to sleep for longer than two hours at a time.  We grow through these things, we learn what we are made of and we marshal the resources needed when we feel as though we are somehow falling short on one end of it or another.

Nope.  None of us are perfect.  Fathers are not solid rocks of granite and women are not oozing worlds of wondrous sensual beauty.  Sometimes we fail and cry and wonder and fear and fall apart. And this makes us perhaps all the more beautiful because of that.  Will our  children accept that as good enough? One does and one does not, so it is a lesson to me that if I am to take anything from this it will not be because another has chosen to go a different way or that my way is somehow off, but that my way is golden and I know it and must follow it no matter what, even when others say otherwise (crazy others at that!). Trying to make it all make sense is like grasping the wind. Instead of that, being able to feel it when it comes instead of wrapping our minds around it is the greatest service.  Not all things lead to wisdom by being known.  For now, I embrace the mystery and wish all fathers a wonderful Fathers Day.

Touching The All

Before I tell you this I am going to qualify it by saying that I fully suspect that what I have experienced is itself through some sort of filter or other.  I cannot, however, dismiss what it is that I will experience as a result of a very particular form of reverie as just imagination simply because I know now the role that imagination plays in helping to channel information into our awareness.  We clothe reality in all manner of dress while the essential truth lies within the body that is clothed.  Thus, the gods and goddesses come to us in myriad forms and ways and each one of them is in their own way valid, true, and real.  They themselves are connected into a vast network of sorts, a realm of being that is infinite. Like us, they live many different kinds of lives.  As such, there is a god and goddess within each of us simply because reality is not itself set to some linear process.  Our being exists all at once.  It is a mind boggling sort of realization, but when you feel it flooding into you, you can begin to get just how tangible and real this simultaneousness of time really is.  So what  I am saying is that I continue to have these experiences with touching the All which is very specific in how it comes to me and is actually entirely different from what I grew up imagining was the case.

There is this being that is so still and yet also so vibrant and alive.  A part of it is entirely conscious and aware of everything ALL AT ONCE.  This “everything” is actually a LOT of stuff.  A LOT.  Endless realities, worlds, and endless material packed into all of these worlds.  Our world is but one of many within this density of matter.  Countless worlds with life dot the skies.  COuntless other realities, versions of our own where copies of ourselves reside, counterparts of our own souls but experiencing slightly different situations within them exist.  There are all these realities which we don’t seem to know much about yet that do indeed exist and this being, the All, is aware of all of it.  How do I know this?  I have experienced watching it do this.  In my own fashion.

What I wind up seeing is something akin to what I can only describe as being like a giant egg or atom. It isn’t that I see this, but that I FEEL it.  This is then translated, through feeling into something that matches it or approximates it.  This is where I suspect a filter or lens is being used, and I think that when it comes to something that is outside our very physical way of associating with reality, we wind up fashioning something that is something of a translation.  What I am describing to you is just this.   Across its surface or moving all through it are all the events and things and thoughts that exist and that are happening NOW.  Every time I go back to it, it seems to change, to be slightly different, but in the way that something vast is different….that changes fast, but still retains something of its past self.  It is recognized as being the same thing in the same way that an old friend whom you have not seen in years is still recognizable.  What I see when I reach this place is something akin to a giant ball that has everything that is happening now moving through it.  It is like a giant boundless station where everything that is crosses through it, and observing how it observes is what I do….and I am fascinated by what I see or feel. I sense a deep state of attention, almost meditative with a very dynamic and alive sense or quality.  This is no dour god being that sits atop some lofty perch looking down on creation.  Not in the least.  Some how it is both within all of creation while also knowing itself in this space or place, an awareness of itself as individual but also an aggregate of everything else….a giant carpet upon which all of creation rides and becomes.  It is curious because this presence that is this form isn’t unapproachable at all, but is just the opposite.  There is nothing “fatherly” about this being and yet it is also truly humane without being human.  It is an intelligent energy that resides within everything. It watches or dreams deeply all that is taking place and does so in a state of what I can only call a mix of deep reverence and love.  It is watching all of this and it is learning.  It is learning the same way a parent learns from watching a child.  It is less a desire to correct as it is to marvel at what it has created.  Fresh and new in each moment, this being of the All observes in a way that feels participatory even though it is somehow NOT directing events.

When I experience this being, I do not hear some loud booming voice.  In fact, I hear no voice at all.  I sense a presence and it is entirely absorbed into everything. Across its surface skip countless images every second, material so fleet that my mind cannot even register it, except to know that it is there.  While it might seem that this is like some vast switch board, it is much more than just that.

When I find myself having reached this place within myself I remind myself that I need to reside here often because it is such a good place to be.  I say to it that I want to be just like it because whenever I come into the awareness that makes such a perception possible, I feel expansive and at one with myself and a current that is all of life.  The difference between me and this presence is that I feel the current more like how one might feel blood pumping through your veins whereas this being seems to be aware of each little thing, down to the atoms and subatomic particles because it IS everything.  In a way, it has kind of co-opted our awareness but in a way that does not direct or change anything.  We inhabit its body without knowing it….like cells living in a larger body with the being sitting “atop” all of these cells seeing itself as its own authentic self even though there are countless other authentic selves that reside within it.

Nothing about this being suggests that it is beating down anyone’s door.  It has no great secrets to impart or an agenda to press upon.  It feels like a completely  unconditional form of love that is more a being than a thing we feel.  Its like…..hmmm….its like this very particular thing originates with this being and it is something that it feels that is so special and can be felt just as it has always been.  Its unwavering and it is primordial because when you feel it, you are feeling into the vastness of the All knowing that this character of love is what everything will feel eventually when it begins to encounter the reality of this being, this All-ness.  It is everything, or resides within everything without getting in the way of our lives at all.  In fact, we go about our lives most often oblivious to its presence.

It feels like some part of it is waiting for us to wake up…..to become aware of it.  This, I sense, is a special moment, those glimmers of awareness.  It is like the lover who is always waiting outside your door just as you aren’t even aware that it had  been there all along.

To know the love of this being, just look outside and look at the utter profusion of life that is springing up everywhere.  Look at a small flower bud and look at how detailed, how miraculous it is and as you do, see those things as the presence of its love, which is itself a creative aspect of its being….love and creation touching one another. Except instead of having a few children, everything that is is its children.  Down to the atoms and quarks and all the rest. When you get that the love of this being is supporting all of this, then you can perhaps see just how incredible this being is.  And as I say this, it is entirely approachable.  It recognizes everything in an instant because it is itself.  Even as we have individuality, it too has individuality even as it is also not divided.  It is the great sum of all and is itself more.  Touching it in awareness is like being fed into a cosmic power line of the inspired state.

I have read somewhere, perhaps Osho who said this being cannot be grasped or cannot be known.  Maybe that is true.  But each time I reach into it and find it, it has been pretty much the same even though my own awareness has changed significantly over these last seven years since kundalini clicked on all the lights inside of me.It could be that this is simpler for me, and maybe that is so, but thus far it has remained unchanged.  I suspect that a direct experience of it would be different and yes, I think I am filtering material to a certain extent and yet, it is like the dyke is being held back even as rivulettes of water, its presence , trickles in.  It is streaming into our world even as it is entirely within it.  It streams in just as we realize it had never been absent one moment but had been there all along, a silent visitor who has granted us freewill and thus would not get in the way of that. It waits for when WE are ready.  To see it.  To feel it.  To BE it.

And that is how I experience this being that feels to me to be like All That Is.  For what it is worth…

The end.