Kundalini

My awakening came in two distinct stages beginning in mid-August of 2006 and culminated in a rising event the following January of 200. It began by releasing a long-standing issue I had that had been with me since age 18 involving an experience I had that I could not fully understand.  When I was able to let that go, everything changed, or began to change. This would be an experience that showed me how there is an important step or stage in waking up that involves the willingness to remove inner barriers that serve to divide the self and which can keep a broader sense of unity of self from emerging.

Often when you read accounts of people waking up you find that all of a sudden they see the world differently.  What happens is something inside of them stops putting up this fight to keep control on everything.  The first lesson it seems in meditation is to stop trying to make something happen because you are keeping what is most natural from happening!

The result of having resolved what, for me, was like a burning ember in my pocket resulted in the first step into awakening.  What it was isn’t that important because we all probably feel like we are here for some life lesson of one kind or another, some inner purpose that often eludes us.  What eluded me was also serving to draw me closer to enlightenment or awakening.  Once I began to question and ask if this was all there is, doors began to open, slowly at first, then they increased in number and speed.  The result was that I was able to let go of a long standing feeling of guilt and frustration that had been with me for years.  Within a few days of this release, I experienced my first encounter with what I would later learn is called nonduality.

This state is one where you often suddenly feel how everything is connected, that nothing is truly separate.  Less a thought, it is a feeling, a direct visceral feeling that is both in you and now alive all around you.  It felt, for me, like a veil had been pulled away from my conscious awareness and I was seeing and experiencing how things really are. We aren’t really separate, we just appear to be because our consciousness is focused in a body. Consciousness, though, is far less restricted, and waking up showed me that.  It was not complicated, it was beautiful and it moved me to tears.  That one event became a driver for change that happened more or less automatically. You could say what happened was coincidental, accidental even, but looking back I cannot help but see that there was something driving me forward and I was not the one who was in the drivers seat.  I was along for the ride, though, and I think that this is probably the best way to look at this.  Trust the universe, otherwise you will not enjoy the ride because you will fall for the fear that is in you.

I was soon given a meditation technique by a friend, which led me to experience alternate states of consciousness very quickly.  After a week of daily meditation using this method, I was one night suddenly suffused in a brilliant white light.  At first, I thought someone had turned on the lights in the dark room, but there was no one there.  After this, more events like this began to take place with no rhyme or reason, with no known pattern or purpose. I saw things, I heard things.  They would come and go.   Events were taking place as if on some other cue from some intelligence other than my own.  I entered into a five month period of “high strangeness” which, when I learned more, were all phenomenon that can be tied to awakening.  I remained in the dark about what this was called for about a year.

I considered the possibility that there was something wrong with me, and once full awakening came, I worried that perhaps that I might have a brain tumor because the phenomenon was just that new, different, and even bizarre at times. However, for whatever reason, while I had an edge of concern I didn’t feel particularly fearful, and this made me curious about what this was all about.  I took notes in case this turned out that something was wrong with me physiologically and I was suddenly struck unconscious.  What I learned was that this was natural. Most of what happened to me in those early days are difficult to believe. It took me a year before I spoke to anyone in my family about it.

During the latter stage of this five month process, I began to feel a sensation of energy flowing all over the surface of my body, which was not unlike the sensation of someone brushing me all over with a feather duster.  My skin would respond with goosebumps.  This was a daily experience for well over a month, and it followed no pattern and was not controlled by my own will. I had the distinct impression that this energy was conditioning my body for something.  What it was, I had no clue. One day, while getting ready to leave from work, I stood at the door of my studio and felt the energy that was whipping all over my skin suddenly rush toward the center of my body.  It went to a point very close to my belly button.  It felt like this energy was diving into me.  Up until this time the energy I felt on my skin was only there, doing what it was doing. Now suddenly, that energy was gone.  The next day I would feel something rising up in a serpentine manner up my spine, piercing centers in my body as it went upwards.  This process was very quick and I had the presence of mind to just watch this like a bystander.  After this process completed and the energy had gone all the way up to my crown (the energy did this twice, one right after the other), I felt very different.  How I felt is hard to explain, but it was like a light had gone off inside my head and I felt an expansive sense of energy that filled me.  This energy was very powerful, intense, and it felt like it was fueling all centers of my body with something more than it had had previously.  Anything that I thought or felt was now greatly amplified.  There was no abatement of this new state and it took some time to get used to it.  My old self often seemed to tire of the intensity, as if you are in a room where the music has been turned up very loud.  There was no turning the music down I soon learned, so I figured that I just needed to learn how to cope with this new normal.  I guess what I did was I looked at this like one giant science experiment where I would set aside whatever fear I might have and focus on what was happening to me at the time.  The other side to this was I felt very much on my own.  I had no context within which to place this, no hook to hang my hat on. I can say that when you approach it in this way you pay attention and you can learn a lot about what seems to you at the time to be a mystery.  But before this took place there were a few notable things that bear mentioning…

Not long before full awakening, while sitting in meditation, I heard a voice say that I should close my eyes and focus on a point straight ahead and slightly upward (along the brow region in front of my eyes). When I did this I saw a glow of light rise from below me, changing color as it rose. First green, then turquoise, then blue.  I could see that this light was coming from a single eye rising up through the center of my vision.  When it moved into the position where I had been told to hold my gaze, it stopped and looked back at me.  I had the distinct impression that I was staring into eternity as it was staring back at me. It then continued its rise upward, changing color to violet before it disappeared from view. The earth did not shake, I didn’t feel anything except surprise.  Something had indeed happened, but what?

The following evening I began to feel a pressure building at my third eye and it felt as though someone was gripping my temples with their hand, like a vice.  I laid down and relaxed into the experience.  I trusted that whatever was happening, it had a purpose.  This pressure grew until I felt distinct bands of pressure move across my forehead. It extended all the way across the side of my head before I fell asleep.  The following night this happened again, with a small dot of pressure where the third eye is thought to be, but this pressure quickly spread beyond that bindi-sized dot and spread out in bands as it had the night before.  It spread further the second night, though, until the pressure extended all the way to the back of my head.  I had the sensation that my head was being cracked open like a walnut.  Once this took place, it seemed that the process was complete.  I would learn a year later that this was a full activation of the third eye. It is also credited as one of the way in which kundalini often can be awakened.  What I know now is that it wasn’t just the third eye meditation, but the meditation that I had been practicing that led me to the altered state that represented a shift in consciousness and resulted in the encounter with the brilliant white light months before.  These things, along with my initial release of the long-standing issue from my teen years, all contributed to my reaching this point.

In the wake of the opening of my third eye, I began to be tutored by a presence which would show me images in a portal that now existed at the center of my head where I was told to look initially.  I was shown images and I understood that I was supposed to focus on them until I became one with the image.  There was never a word spoken, and this process went on and on night after night with about five of the same images shown from different locations, some of which, most of which, I was not familiar with.  When I focused on the images, I felt that I was traveling without moving, almost like I was using a teleportation device.  In this case, it was my subtle body that would travel, not my physical body.  This process was not easy to do since it required a silence and stillness of the mind, with no analysis possible without breaking the wave of the phenomenon. I intuitively understood that I was using a part of my consciousness that was no tied to the logical linear side of my mind (brain) and through these exercises, I was being taught how to use this part of myself.  I repeated this until I began to cultivate a “no-doing” state where I was still and with no thought, and yet there was all of this activity all around me.  I was shifting from an analytical rational state to a nonlinear one which had no one point of focus.  This shift, I learned, was into cosmic consciousness, and has a correlation with the two hemispheres of the brain.  The left brain focuses, the right does not, it sees a much larger view.   My awareness moved from the literal, concrete, to the numinous. As I sat there, completely stilling thought, I would see that I would appear to be in different places while my body remained physically in the same space.  While I was not told the purpose of this, I was curious enough and trusting enough to follow along to see where it led.  After spending the better part of my life interested in the nature of consciousness, I was now faced with some very interesting things that were taking place so I payed attention and learned as much as I could from the process.

By January of 2007, kundalini rose in an event that took about thirty seconds, a serpentine movement of energy that pulsed through my muscles, piercing points along the way until I reached the top of my head.  After this, I felt my cognition change.  How I felt changed.  I felt as if I had entered into a new world.  The old world was gone.  I looked up at the night sky and had the distinct impression that an invisible line swept across the sky marking one life from another, one world from another.

I found that the abilities that I had had before this took place were stronger, or more amplified.  I found that I could think about someone that I knew or had a connection to and I would begin seeing their surroundings. The first time this happened it was with someone I knew online and really knew very little about in real life.  I learned that this is called remote viewing and I was able to test my abilities early on in the process.  I found that I had a high degree of accuracy ranging between 85-95% accuracy during the first few months when I was testing my abilities.  I was keen to test because otherwise all of this could just be called imagination.  I would go on to experiment with how to see into the subatomic and to learn how to gain greater control over how open I was to the energy around me. I learned that consciousness can be used to observe things that might not be accessible to us physically.  For me, this was beyond fascinating.  It was like having a new toy, a powerful toy that I used with care.

With my inner senses going off the chart at this point, I often felt subjected to what was around me until I found a way to tune it out. I would walk down the street and I would feel each person in turn as if it was me.  This was not always fun, and from time to time I realized just how much people are carrying around with them, the sadness, the angst, and the loneliness (but also the joy and awe as well).

I found that it was through the ecstatic state that I healed stored emotion from the past and through this ecstacy, my consciousness could “expand” or “accelerate” beyond anything I thought possible.  It was in this place that I sensed how everything was connected. I also saw that sexual energy, more than any other energy in consciousness, was directly responsible for helping us to heal.  The problem that I saw was that most people only touch that energy during orgasm, which is a short event that quickly fades.  For me, orgasmic bliss filled my being to a point where I wondered if I could keep my wits about me, only to find that my consciousness would start shedding all sorts of stored emotions.  How was it that one of the most important energies in consciousness for healing was treated like it was somehow dirty or bad?  How had we as a race gotten to this place? Sure, humans are incredibly interested in the sexual, we are designed for it, but along with all that interest is a lot of hidden shame and tons of baggage that most people have gotten used to simply ignoring until it seems that it no longer exists (except that it is still there, lurking deep now in the subconscious which is the problem!).

I did all of this without a guru or teacher.  I used a simple meditation method and once I broke through the mist enough, events began to happen that took me the rest of the way, as if guided.  I was free to experience it without a belief system or any built-in bias because I had no idea at first what was happening to me at the time.  I was an observer who was dancing along the edge of the known and while I was a bit concerned that something might have gone awry at first, I soon learned to trust the process.  If you can do that, I think you are much better off.  Many Hindu teachers prescribe “bowing” before the higher self, which is orchestrating this.  I also would try to speak to the energy to see if I could learn anything from it.  I was surprised to find that it would indeed “speak” to me in visionary experiences, helping me to understand what its purpose here was and what my relationship to it would be.  The idea that we need a teacher is not entirely true if you can open your mind and consider that you can get the answers.  Imagination is a portal into another world. We tend to think of it as a kind of fabrication device, but that is only in normal consciousness.  In this new state, it acts like a portal through which images and information come and go.  You open your mind and “it” writes upon the screen of your imagination.

I think people think once you awaken, that’s it, you have arrived.  What I have found is that yes you do cross over a very important “barrier” but the arrival on the other side is itself just the beginning.  Often most people have a lot of baggage that they need to drop before they can find peace with awakening.  I have known people, many years later, who still have not touched some fairly important issues in themselves that serves to keep them from feeling peace after awakening.  I was one of those people.  I am not perfect.  I am just another you.  We are all in this together, and when given the choice, love seems better than indifference.  We are all on the same ball hurdling through space.  We each have something to learn but also something to contribute, to teach the world. This, I think, is just one small step to bring us all who are ready for it to a better understanding of who we are and how best to be in this world.

What do you have to teach me do you think?