Archives for category: pain

serveimage-8

Do you think that this was going to be easy

this love I bear in you?

Everything else

is like a mad scramble

like the screams of monkey’s in the trees

-it is how the mind is.

 

Sink into forgetfulness

and into the bliss

a warm buoyant presence

rises up all around

it makes others so ripe.

 

So you chase after me

day after day.

I know how hard it can be sometimes

this vagabond life you lead

having given up so much

for nothing else but this one thing

that rings through everything.

Like a vast thread

with no beginning or end,

constantly being thread through a needle

-desire drives it forth.

 

But just as you chase after me,

I turn ’round and chase after you;

mirror and reflection find their union

in a sweet simple embrace

of equal measure of fire and coolness

that breeds the incorruptible beauty

that we all know

but cannot adequately express.

 

I am waiting for you

there

here

under the vast sky of your morning

as you squint into the new day

and I ride under your feet

like a magical carpet

delivering you

reveling in your touch

abiding here as always

with no answer

nor question

but this abiding taste

that lingers on your lips

and bears within the swing of your hips

and sway of your arm…

 

I am here to show you beauty

yes

but not before you dissolve the horror that stands before your face

and that dwells in your heart.

I am here to show you the greatest love there is

it is what I was destined to bear to you since

forever was a child…

but we must work to set it right

so that the beauty of this moment can be known

fully

without reservation

or regret

or doubt

or shame

or sadness…

 

I wrap myself ’round all of these

for you

and it is my mere presence that dissolves them

just as soon as you are ready to let them fall

and transform into the greatness that is in you to be.

 

I know it is hard for you.

I know the strain

the pain

the sadness

the empty void…

but one by one

like soldiers

I redeem them

with the sweetest kind of joy.

You grow from old to young

like a vast wheel turning backwards

until all the strain is wound out of it.

I am here with you until the end

which is only the beginning.

 

I am the force that revives

the one who opens you

and shows you

the flower within

and the great light

that those petals long to touch

arching upward and outward

a great kind of beauty is coaxed…

 

I am beyond names

and beyond all recognition,

the sweetest mystery

that all of you yearn to swim deep into

and become lost in

so that you might be found.

Advertisements

You know that pranic movement leads to greater awareness of subconscious material. You know that prana brings awareness. 
So inevitably there is a point in awakening when all manner of hard emotions gets dredged up as a result of this. 

One is fear. But fear is very tricky, you see, because of how self-reinforcing it is. It is an emotional trap that can capture a person and keep them imprisoned. 

Some people repress their fear, which leaves what was creating the fear safely hidden deep in the subconscious. 

Sometimes people will only let fear share a small place in their conscious awareness so it does not take them over. Again, the reason for the fear remains like a weed whose leaves sprout up into the conscious self and are tended carefully by the personal will of the self. 

In awakening, though, fear and it’s chemical mirror, adrenaline, can rise up and show itself in all of its powerful glory. In truth, this can be overwhelming. But hang on; ask yourself what is really happening here. What is happening is prana is merely increasing your awareness so that you now feel more of the fear. At this point, though, you are only looking at the branches growing out of your subconscious, with the root of of the problem lying deeper within. You are being shown a problem, you see, and now you need to be able to go deeper to root it out from the subconscious. 

There is a problem with this situation, which is how fear begets more fear. In order to draw it out, you need a steady sense of calm. Adrenaline does not keep you calm. 
You need to learn how to tame the beast first, then draw it out by healing it. You no longer just calm yourself and then try to forget about it, which is what most people do to cope, but use the fear as a huge sign that is telling you right where the fear is. Now, instead of running from it, you wisely use this as a blessing. 

You now have been shown where a wound exists. You know that it revolves around fear, and you can also know what kinds of events serve to activate it by simply observing yourself carefully like an observer.

 In the beginning of this kind of work, what is often felt can be the kind of fear that is primal, utterly irrational. All of this winds up looking like a tangled mess, which it often is, but lying at the core is often a very simple and utterly uncomplicated event that sparked the fear, which is most often a trauma (s) from your past.  You might have no earthly idea where it is coming from. 

Fear that is strong enough and persistent enough can lead to a deep sense of dread, horror, even….with no known cause (especialy when kundalini awakens-even though pranic force will in the end lead you to healing it….but just not immediately if adrenaline has “got” you).

The worst thing you can do is to react to fear. It can leave you feeling like a deer in the headlights. It can lead you to chaotic behavior and it can make your life hellish. Reacting to it, you feed it. You begin triggering the adrenal response with still more adrenaline.

My dark time with adrenaline stretched into months. It was one of the top five hardest parts of kundalini rising. Besides leading to adrenal burnout, collapse, or adrenal failure, it is very hard on your body. I have a good family friend who had to seek medical attention to restart her adrenals after a long continuous bout with fear and anxiety connected to her awakening experience. However, conquering fear is one of the biggest victories in an awakening because fear robs you of energy that could be used for things like it’s opposites such as love and joy. Love cannot properly grow and flourish when fear and its counterpart hatred are taking up your attention.

Most fear is irrational for the very fact that when you are working from a trauma in the past, fear can color everything you see and blinding you from seeing the world as it is. When you are sitting in the quiet of your room trying to meditate and all you can feel is that piercing pain down deep into the core of you, all you are doing is dredging up feelings from the past. To heal the past, you must bring awareness into the moment. The fear might not be connected to anything in particular, but you will still need to learn how to recognize it in order to move on. This can be the alchemical moment where a giant ball of “yuck” gets transmuted into bliss. Yes, really. So how to do this?

Learn to bring forward and cultivate the Witness. Stand back and watch. See what slight deviation in feeling can shift you out, even for a moment, of fear and adrenaline. Over and over, watch what you are doing to break the adrenaline train. If you are caught in a recursive pattern of fear, you might need to study this in small snatches, those moments when you feel adrenaline subside. Watch and ask yourself what was it that caused the shift to happen. You might have to spend days, weeks even, of watching when these subsidences happen and then identify what it was that did it for you.  Then you can learn to direct your mind to different feeling states that bring on greater bliss and train your mind to remain there for longer and longer periods. Leave healing the source of the fear for now because once you can feel bliss, the issue that caused the fear may naturally dissolve, or you will be naturally guided to how to heal it when you are ready. If you have experience with awakening then surely you have experience with this particular phenomenon.

You want to find ways to lessen the adrenal response, and in the beginning, anything that gives you relief is good (short of medicating yourself-this only delays the process of inner transformation). Watch what shifts you out of the fear and duplicate it in order to extend it. This is for cases of extreme adrenal response. You need a coping mechanism so that you can later deal with the root cause of the fear. Your body will follow you like an obedient shadow.

By feeling this deeply, your body is washing itself of fear, but it is you who must root out the fear locked in the body and tell yourself that this fear is only in the past. This moment now is entirely new.
Over time you train yourself how to step out of fear. 

Surrender can help, but this can be tricky at first. Sometimes it can feel impossible to break out of the cycle because it can be so overwhelming. If adrenaline is this bad, it is important to be able to trigger bliss. Surrender can sometimes feel like you will just make it worse. What is true is that by resisting (anything) emotionally, bliss can turn into a nightmare. I know how crazy this sounds. But part of bliss includes healthy adrenal output. Dopamine all on its own will leave you so dreamy and blessed out that you won’t be able to focus on anything except the bliss. A small bit of adrenaline is an accompaniment to the awakened state, but if you have latent fear, the adrenals can shift into high gear and stay there, overpowering the dopamine high and bringing such terrible feelings. It is here that you can manifest paranoia, which is a problem all its own.

Breath work is something that can be very useful in breaking the fear. This breath needs to be slow, deep, and even . I began mimicking the type of breathing I noticed in sleeping people. It worked very well. Alternating nostril breath can be very helpful, and has been used for centuries to stimulate and balance prana through the two channels of yin and yang energies (Ida and Pengali). Try four slow breaths in and out per nostril, holding each nostril closed as you do this, repeating this four times. Continue this at least four times. 
Cranial Sacral massage is very good at getting you relaxed and going deep.

When you get in a fix with adrenaline and fear, believing you need to stay there to soak it in is poppy-cock. The only purpose these negative states serve is to help you in not feeling them anymore. That’s right-flee the building as soon as possible. You will be able to release this fear once adrenaline has moderated.

Music can help, guided imagery for relaxation, and even eating have all been ways I have been able to step out of the pain of the fear body. Climb out and don’t look back. Later, you can release any block you need, but for most people, doing this while the body is in full flame is very difficult. If you respond from a place of fear, you won’t be able to release anything. You will just marinate in it. Once you conquer fear, you can then release the “split” or block.

So often, it is fear alone that keeps you locked in a recursive loop that has to be broken before substantive change can happen. If the block is in you and you are afraid of it, you won’t be able to do this release work.You will simply fear the block too much.

There are other therapies for dealing with fear, adrenaline, and kundalini, and these are included in my blog under adrenaline. Do a search and you will find much more.

If you are experiencing adrenal overload, it’s not easy, but it can teach you a high level of mastery over what appears to be involuntary.

~P.

What divides you is keeping the fullness of awakening from being known within you. What divides you keeps not just your mind in seperation, but it keeps your whole self seperated to one degree or another.

The term “samscara” is a Sanskrit word that means “soul scar” and this scar lies at the foundation of our feelings, motivations, and actions in the world. The soul scar divides the self from being completely whole, aware, and unified to its origin. Many might think that this scar is the sum total of what has been done to us that has caused hurt or pain. In truth, the samscara is created out of our own reflection on the world, and arises out of the contrast between our expectations of the world and how the world actually is. This is the source of all suffering. But this is an inner event that takes place, this perception that things are not how we want them or expect them to be.  
It is a reaction. We in the West fail often to understand how we feel is a choice. We think it is just how we are made, that we have no choice. People MAKE us feel certain ways. Am I your maker? I make you? No, you make you. Always.

If you take five people and have them each experience the same event, you will most likely get a range of reactions. For the person who has a strong sense of expectation that the event was negative, that person will see it and feel it that way. This feeling will also color how they saw the event for years to come. But for the person who does not have the same level of expectation, there will be much less in the way regarding their perception and feelings about the event as purely negative. It will be much easier for them to see that the event unfolded the way it did because of the limitations that the participants had. It wont be taken personally, but seen more clearly. What is so hard for us is that we want to believe all kinds of things, all perfectly noble and good about how we think the world should be, but the truth, more often than not, is that the world just does not match what we believe inside ourselves. When we are unable to come to terms with this, we remove ourselves from our capacity to forgive and move on. Instead, we are hooked by it. If the contrast within us compared to what’s happening in the world is great enough, it forms a soul scar. It then forms the basis of a stumbling block where we then suffer in big and small ways from then on. The nature of the scar, the suffering, will be activated over and over until it is healed.

The samscara is not just one emotional issue, but is in fact made up of a whole cluster of issues. Whatever your expectations are of the world that the world does not match, will most likely form the basis of  problems for you.

Healing the samscara requires radical honesty about how you feel and react to the world around you. Healing the samscara requires the deepest innermost forgiveness, not of others, but of yourself, for having put yourself into a position where you were less than your truest being. To be this true being means being honest about how you have chosen to suffer. As long as you believe that your suffering comes about by anyone except yourself, you will continue to remain in a maze of your own making, a blend of dharma and samsara (different from samscara)…with your own beliefs about yourself leading the way. I don’t think I need to tell you how difficult this sort of combination is for any of us.

The secret of the samscara lies in how it divides our awareness. If awakening is the result of a merging of our opposites, the samscara is that which keeps  inner union from reaching its fullest possible expression in each of us. Awakening is a partial union, an initiation, and is so rich and intoxicating, that most so touched by it forever seek it. Awakening is just the  water upon our lips, and full union is a wholesale cleansing that allows us to become purer vessels, realized vessels, for this water of life, which we once sipped and found so amazing, so celestial, which now pours through us with perfect peace and acceptance of what is. Curiously, this is where we each can best change the world, not in the perception of division and seperation that the samscara always creates.

The curious things about the samscara is that while it divides, it also becomes the agent for change and transformation. It is the crack that lets in the light. When the pain gets to be too much, something deep within asks the question, is this all that there is? Most often, this is the spark that catalyzes a deeper relationship with the full undivided awareness of self and can lead to the kindling of the creative fire, the powerful flow of prana, that is called kundalini.

Do you see how the image above fractures our being? Our awareness of ourselves as truly whole? Do you see how it stands between the two sides of the energy body? The Ida and Pengali? The yin and yang? Do you see that the samscara is in the center of awareness, blocking out fuller union, fuller embodiment of this higher or more expansive experience of ourselves? Do you see that the samscara, the wound, is also opening to let in the light? Do you also see that the whole self already radiates the light of the totalities?

The samscara is made up  of beliefs. These beliefs are about the world, yes, but they are always fundamentally about you. So often we look to the events in childhood to try and find the genesis of our samscara….but the truth is that the origin of the samscara comes from you. Beyond all time, beyond all cause and effect.

Everyone who awakens speaks at one point or another about how time is an illusion, yet often we do not bother to consider that what happened in our childhood or in later life came from who we are outside of time, in the very spacious present so many espouse being aware of. It is here, in us, that all of our glitches have emerged. Since this involves awareness beyond the world of cause and effect, it is hard for us to embrace this timeless realm from which we each come to be incarnated in bodies here in this world. It also means that all problems begin first in ourselves.
When you can reach into this realm beyond time, you can heal your samscara for all lifetimes. Do it now, and you can feel the tension in the karmic cords it creates through all that you are and all that you have been and will become. It is precisely because it is so total a healing that it is so effective. The effect this will have for you in your evolution is that of a quantum leap.

This is how total we each must learn to be in our own sense of personal responsibility. It is one reason why whenever I tried to get over a hurt I thought someone had caused me, just as I reached into the root of the problem, I always found that it wasn’t the other person who needed  forgiveness, I was always brought to the inner truth of all of it, which was I had to forgive myself. 

This is the radical honesty that emerges when you heal the samscara. We stop seeing ourselves as being at the mercy of others and events for how we feel, and we own up to our part in it. It reverses victimization by bringing the awareness of what we did to create such a weakened dysfunctional condition in ourselves in the first place. This is not blaming the victim, it is stopping being a victim by healing our part in the equation.

We are energetic beings. So many of us are stuck believing that the five senses are all there is to our experience. Awakening shows us that HOW we feel and HOW our consciousness is constructed has a subtle nonphysical effect on what we experience and attract in our lives. You change all of this by changing what you are inside. 

You try to change it by changing where you live, but it follows you. Some things you can change when you want to heal, like not interacting with someone who you feel has hurt you. This is perfectly reasonable and can give you enough breathing room to be honest with yourself about where the old problem lies (within you). But try to initiate another effort to create a new life, without healing the samscara in you, and versions of all the same problems just keep returning. This is the karmic merry go round. What gets you off of it is how you change how you feel and identify with an aspect of your being that is anything less than healed.

Anything that you see that serves to limit your fulfillment in your life is a sign  of something that needs to be set right. There is no one way to do this, but your higher self knows. It will step in and set it right when you can lay ego and the rational mind aside enough for it to enter.
 By going deep within and finding the root of the problem, you can heal it. In so doing, your own inner awareness of what you are will grow and unfold for you. The result of this is that whatever was snagging you or causing you a problem will no longer be there. 

The way to reach the root of the problem is not by the rational mind. You have to use FEELING. This is NOT emotion! This is your intuitive capacity to know the source of all things in you. You do know. You must practice feeling

This begins with a willingness to stop thought to any degree that you can, and feel yourself. Then, you feel deeper and deeper. You let go and drift into yourself with a quiet mind and awareness that is present. It is so easy, but so hard to explain. It is like you are visiting a new world, which is your deeper self, and you are along for the ride. You can access material from earliest childhood using this method. Feel it. Don’t judge or resist. It is deceptively easy, and you need to work through your own beliefs that block you from achieving this.

Tips

When you forgive, forgive with all that you are. Imagine the problem seeping out of every corner of your being, top to bottom, like a vibration that is leaving every cell in your body. Breathe deep and slow. Then use a panting breath, like a tiger or jungle cat does. It will move a lot of energy. Close your eyes and imagine that you are floating in a deep blue ocean, unafraid of its depths and willing to drift deep into it.

Pray to Source to see and accept your apology. Offer up this problem, not with a desire to fix it, but to simply remove it. These problems were not created by the rational self so the must be given up without a hint of ever trying to understand them this way. Hand them over to that in you that touches and lives in a higher vibrational state. This is how you transmute all low vibrational problems within you. 

Expect a miracle.

Be open to change. Be like a child; open and ready for the new.
The moment you think you have everything pegged, step back and observe. Do you really? If you are still suffering, there is more work to do.

Stop assuming that you know where you are headed. A higher intelligence is running this if you will surrender control and allow your awareness of its presence to fill your life. It is so much bigger than your awareness that it takes faith, like a child, to be led by it.Y you go from pushing the river to working harmoniously with it. Your doing is now allowing. Do you see? The rational self controls. It is also limited. It cannot begin to dream of what could enter your experience next.

Grace comes by way of matching discipline and faith together as partners in your day to day growth and progress to realization.
When you are stuck, sit quietly in meditation (this can happen anywhere …even while shopping or standing in line) ask to be shown what remains to do. If it doesn’t show up as inner guidance, it will show up as events in your life. Pay attention and see how they are mirroring something inside of you. Then, by witnessing this, not ingratiating yourself with it by being reactive and emotionally invested, ask yourself how you can choose to feel differently. This is how you can actively break the chain of behavior that keeps the samscara active.

Devote yourself to love in its deepest possible expression. When you do this, seperation is dissolved in you. Love unifies. If you feel like a stranger in a strange land, love has the power to heal this. Love does not exist in condition. If you cannot do this with someone in your life, this is a sign that this is a place where more love needs to be in you. It points to a block in you. It works perfectly when you let it.
You cannot control the world, nor make it better by following old methods or paradigms for change. Instead, make yourself the paradise you would like to see in the world. You will wind up seeing all the aspects of this paradise that you had missed previously because of your blinders. If you are paradise, this will have a much better chance of catching on than any campaign sought to change through the mind.
Every part of this forms the basis of my “work” that always, in time, leads to profound healing. I hope that it can help shift your own awareness too. Nemaste.

This post is the second installment that is best read in series about how karma creates chemistry and how we can open our lives up to a new horizon, literally a new kind of life by clearing the karmic threads and “debts” which we owe to ourselves as drops in the vast ocean that is consciousness…

 

So I was thinking about how I was able to clear up the karma from this “soul twin” that I had in the beginning of my awakening. I was thinking, too, about  how effortless it was to dissolve the connection that had caused me so much angst as well as bliss.  Mind you, in the beginning, there was this expansive love that I felt as well as this fiery quality that was part of the rush of prana that is kundalini.  This was not an effort at making myself a recluse, but rather that I felt, knew, that this was not all there was.  Most everyone I observed in the “twin” community seemed fairly situated in what I was rapidly feeling was the mythos of the twin flame and comfortable with this view as the twin as “The One.” It was natural, afterall, I had been there, too.  But things were changing for me and I was no longer content with what I saw as a delightful fairy tale, a beautiful story, certainly, but not one that reflected reality.  Yes, I felt the depths of soul love inside of me and I shared this with another, but I also felt the earthly self, both where I was and where she was.  We were oh-so human.

How to deal with this dichotomy, I thought? It seemed to me that this disjuncture was the proof that there was something more at work.  What the twin community was doing, it seemed to me at the time, was the same thing we do when we are putting a puzzle together.  You know those puzzle pieces that LOOK like they fit, but don’t?  I mean those pieces that look exactly like they should fit, but the shape is off so very slightly that you are kind of stumped in that moment?  Yeah, like that.  Now I was watching as some of us were just jamming that puzzle piece into place and saying “good enough!” and going on with it.  I just wasn’t one of those people.  I am a big believer in letting a mystery BE a mystery, yes, certainly, but there is also a time when you ought to use your mind some to roll this thing around, especially when the “mystery” isn’t fitting into any of the discussed paradigms set forth thus far.

I thought about this and wondered what a later soul connection might have involved, and this time around, for soul connection #2 it was similar, but different.  It also involved a miss-identification of responsibility for a host of issues that caused me a lot of hurt and pain with this person, to be quite honest.  I was snagged by this person with her dishonesty, which was very much like my wife before my awakening began.  In fact, I considered at the time that this #2 connection might have been a way to work through what my ex-wife and I had not worked through. They were so similar in some important ways.  Sounds dysfunctional, doesn’t it?  Well, actually, it has turned out that since the two of these people were sooo similar that it has helped a LOT in working through the remaining karmic snags for BOTH.  Despite the fact that something in the back of my head was telling me that what I was being drawn into and WHY I was being drawn into it might well be bad for me.  Different stories, yet so very similar.

The Universe Becomes Your Mirror

In an interesting twist, I have been having a lot of problems popping up with my ex-wife as I have been headed towards the end-game of this soul connection, trouble that she has been initiating all on her own.  This has always been telling to me because whenever I was working through some karmic material it was as though they could feel it and would pop up out of the blue.  The timing on this has always been bizarre, at least in the beginning.  Lately, I just see this kind of behavior as proof for how we are bound by common material and that we can indeed all feel it whether it is conscious or not.

I chose to remain neutral with my ex-wife, though, in this last series of interactions, choosing not to engage her by pointing out the error in her way of behaving (which has always been over-the-top mean and hurtful).  This tack or approach has proven to shake things up in me just enough to help release some significant karmic material in both cases, ex-wife and connection #2.  In this case, the release was sooo simple. God, just to think about how much hand-wringing and worry and concern there had been about approaching this day there had been!  So much self-doubt, so much loathing of myself for being tied to these hard people! The release happened with #2  I when I was able to see an admission that one of them had emotional problems.  All I ever really needed was that moment of honesty from them, that “come to Jesus moment” that never really happened, and probably wouldn’t happen.  This had kept me active and turning on this karmic merry-go-round.  And this moment was not one that involved me talking to either of them, which was actually really nice.  Poof.  On my own, I got the one small thing that I needed that flipped the switch on all of this.  And now?  All of that hard stuff is just gone. I feel different.  I look different.  I now realize that the thoughts that I once had that I often dismissed as just a fairy tale way of being were in fact the depths of who I am, the beauty that was waiting for me on the other side of that garden gate.  One side was thunder clouds and uncertainty and the other side was bright and hopeful without a need to convince myself that anything was anything except what it was. Now, whether dark or light, I just don’t see the dividing line but feel the bliss of simply being.

I will also add that along with this hard behavior taking place as I reached the home stretch in all of this, that I was approached about two months ago out of the blue by a guy I know only peripherally, asking me if I could help him with his business.  As I was working with him and his employees, I felt deep into the energy of the group and found this troubling but interesting swarm of energy there.  I just worked for weeks and felt into it as I went about my day.

I found that there were all of these similar energies that all went back to the male wound.  For the first two to three weeks I only felt the energy.  I really had nothing to go on beyond what I was feeling. But by the third week, people were suddenly opening up and telling me exactly what I wondered about on an energy level.  All of this felt so familiar to me, but I had no hard physical history to pin it to. Without saying a word or asking any questions, except in my mind, they each began to tell me just what I needed to know.

This time, instead of working this like a problem, I accepted it without feeling a need to fix anything.  The interesting thing that happened was that I went from repulsed and upset the first few weeks, to feeling a strange affinity for these men.  I understood where they had been because I had been in similar places, too. I think we all have in one way or another.  It was as though life was giving me this opportunity to step deep into this chasm that was the inner life of these men in order to ponder my own wound, what is called “samscara.” But the brand or nature of their wound was so similar in so many ways to my own. This was tricky…..be in the world, but don’t be of it.  Step into the abyss but remain untouched…..no….not quite….surrender and accept all of it, see it, feel it, know it and don’t feel a stitch of resistance.  Yes, that is much more accurate.

It was at the moment that I began to accept them that the changes began to take place with my ex chiming in with her junk, all in perfect timing.  The distance between these men and their admissions about their past happened within 24 hours of my ex texting me and trying to “yank my chain.”  I remained stolid and calm.  It all passed with some hurt on my side, but no reaction, which was the big difference.  In the past, I knew that she took some pleasure from getting a reaction out of me.  As long as I reacted in pain, it confirmed to her that I was just as messed up as she was.  It was her way of keeping me in the boat.  But wait, no, it was me allowing myself to be controlled, effected, and enmeshed.  And THAT was the difference.  I had control now. Hurt me all you want, or try to; it just no longer works.  The first few times, yes, it still hurts…but the behavior and the energy is actually changing, and this was part of how I just stepped out of that old restrictive suit of clothes that made the man who he was.

After this took place, about a week later, another layer was unfurled and this time there came the beginning of a series of releases. I was able to feel the energetic side of the block releasing from my right lower range of the meridian when I got out of the work van at our work site several days ago.  This was between root and sacral chakras and was not felt IN the chakra like so many releases in the past.  This one was stubborn, bug in, and I felt the root block more as points within the meridian line on the male or solar side of yang energy (based on the Chinese medicine system). Then I was able to read about an admission from this soul connection and it all resulted in this perfectly timed matrix of effects that felt like a landslide or cascade of inner releases that brings me to where I am now. Poof. Gone.

Energetically, I feel different and my thoughts are different, too.  I am no longer obsessed with loss and lack churning inside of me.  Poof.  This buoyancy has resulted in my feeling like I can reach something that I didn’t feel….worthy of.  Can you believe that? With this hard energy weighing me down, I just didn’t feel like I could reach it easily.  Everything had this cast over it that had an edge of the negative. With a root-related block this type of thing relates to issues of nurture and abundance.  If the block is big enough, it can result in problem taking care of ones self or creating abundance.  I knew that my block was partial because of how events happened in my life.  I had always used creative visualization for the important things in my life: school, job, career, and children.  They all came as I had asked.

In my life I have always been able to manifest pretty big things in my life, but they almost always have some kind of hitch in them, sort of like the wish the genie grants you that you always wind up regretting.  Now, though, I know that we no longer have to regret the wish because the wish is now forged in the clarity of the soul’s purpose free from these troubling alliances having to do with loss and lack and hurt and pain and all the rest. This corresponds to the root now being clearer. I should now see a new level of clarity to what is brought into my life through our ability to co-create our lives.  I also find that any problems that come along just don’t flatten me like they had before.

Today as I opened a new book I bought for myself as this change was underway, it revealed a quote by the Buddha that spoke about how releasing the karmic bonds that hold us down to the earth…..free us so we can fly like eagles who can leave this world or be untethered by the concerns that weighed us down.

I have been hoping for this moment for years.  Years. Me an my dear friend Ali  have been talking about this idea which she brought up in our early discussions back in 2008 about how karma creates chemistry.  I wondered at first how anyone would believe such a thing as this?  At first, it didn’t make sense to me.  What I felt in connection felt natural, not fabricated, and this karma=connection sounded a lot like that. There was something about it that didn’t make sense….but now what I know is that the reason why it did not make complete sense at the time was because I was seeing through  distorted lenses, that my way of sensing and seeing the world was itself….bent. I was myself captured by karma and you cannot fix an old problem using the same thinking that created the problem in the first place (thank you, Albert E.) And this is something that you will need to know about yourself if you find that this also makes little sense to you. I wont ask you to believe me, just file it away and then get on with your “work” and when the day comes when it happens to you, let’s talk.

When I  explained how karma created chemistry to my second soul connection, she did not believe what I was saying.  I hadn’t either.  It just didn’t seem right, based on how the energy felt. It felt like a “foreverness” that you just don’t want to ever let go of.  There are lots of people similarly hooked in the twin phenomenon that keeps them engaged but not healing the blocks.  But do you know why this FEELS like a forever thing?  Do you really?

The Reward Cycle

Dopamine.  I know it sounds simplistic, but it is really that simple.  Our reward centers physically are designed to give us that peasant reward for just about ANYTHING that our mind/brain believes is a good thing.  Sex is one of these things, but there are loads of others. Prana creates bliss and as it is identified, the mind sends a signal to the body to produce dopamine among other things to reward us for something that is actually very good for us.  The idea of connection with another person whom we love generates this rich chemical landscape that keeps us coming back, though, and the connection itself is most often karmic.  This means that on the one side you are feeling prana flow, which is good, but the karma is in there, too, which is a kind of soup of both shadow and light, so you get a bit of both.    If you have a lot of negative karma surrounding an issue, then the chemical train gets colored with that karma and you have the potential for bliss along with the chaotic emotions that are still suppressed within the psyche. This is the double-edged sword of life.  You have the dark and the light.  Learning how to navigate through all of this is what yields victory in clarifying and cleansing the self. There is this very insightful saying in the Gospel of Philip that says in essence that God is a dyer of souls. When God dyes a soul, it goes in one color and comes out white.  This is to say that the dying work that God does is to clear us of all color.  This is not to say that we are colorless. We do not lose our character or personality, but that we lose that which made it hard for us to see the divine within.

Dopamine also does something else where pain and trauma are concerned.  When it is created in the body, it helps to eleviate the pain so that it does not burn deep grooves in our minds.  It helps us to move on.  This is one reason why kundalini works on emotional blockages so well; the body is pumping out a LOT of dopamine (and there is evidence for this state at various stages of the awakening process that I wont go into here but I write a lot about it on the blog).  This is also why people who have PTSD or other types of trauma-based issues will often turn to opiates to soothe the pain.  In fact today as I sat waiting to pick my child up from an appointment, I listened on the radio about a woman who had begun using heroin as a way of dealing with her pain.  She spoke of how it soothed her, made her feel like she could cope.  Sadly, by doing this, she was actually shutting down her body’s own native ability to produce the compounds necessary to make her feel the way she needed in order to heal. Dopamine does this, it is the body’s own natively produced opiate and I can tell you that once I identified what it was I was experiencing that was making me feel so peaceful and smoothed out and wonderful and dreamy, I was able to see how a strong “dump” of dopamine into my system also corresponded with releases.  To put it simply; you just don’t CARE about the pain anymore.  When you do this, your brain and body can simply release the old hurt like that: poof!  The mind stop supporting the old programming and the brain and body are now charged and ready to take in a different story.  The result?  You feel instantly transformed. You are literally reconnecting the brain and the body in new ways, creating new pathways for though to flow.  At an energetic level, the change is felt in a myriad of ways as well.

The dopamine cycle works for a host of reasons, from building a strong family unit for the rearing of children, to the benefit that being with another gives to us as a couple as well as the cohesiveness of a community. There are other compounds involved like oxytocin (which is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter—think on that one for a minute!) a little adrenaline, estrogen, and testosterone.  Once our mind/brain has identified something as important enough, it sets up a reward system for it.  And we can become addicted to it in just the same way we become addicted to the very behaviors that keep us enmeshed in certain karmic merry-go-rounds.  But is this bad?  The curious thing is that some people, in order to get the dopamine blast into their systems will use some behavior that will trigger it.  The important part is whether you are using something else to make it happen, or are you choosing to just feel differently, which is itself the spiritual compliment OF dopamine.  You see the difference?  If its, say, sex, that creates the dopamine reward trigger, then you can become a sex addict.  The sign is that sex is an empty experience for you at some point because after all, you aren’t in it for the experience that sex can give, not really.  You are after the high of the dopamine. As a result, sex addicts wind up having a feeling of emptiness in the wake of sex. It is a terrible place to be.  They need to move the dopamine cycle, the reward cycle, so that it is not divided from the self by any degrees of separation. The trick, people, is to learn how to trigger dopamine production in your body so that you get a nice flow going all the time at a low healthy level so you mirror the physical state of peace.  We have forgotten how to do this, or that the body will respond in a fraction of a second to a desire to feel bliss by pumping out dopamine. We are a generation of pill poppers.  This does not solve the problem, it only masks it.  What is curious is that it appears that when your body is producing dopamine for no other reason than to feel good (not just for a reward cycle) the body does not appear to become addicted to it.

Sometimes the glitches in our karma can go on for lifetimes.  The trick here, the whole point of all of this inner work, is to choose the beneficial positive karma over the negative ones.  If you watch people who are obsessively upset, you will see that they are actually enjoying being upset.  They spend so much time engaged in explaining why they hurt and why.  Most often, they are pointing to some source outside of themselves as the culprit, when all along the culprit is  within. Through a simple turn in awareness, the true culprit is seen for what it is.  Doing this work accomplishes this.  And the result?

For me, when this last wrinkle unfurled in me and the hooks dropped away, I felt….a series of new feelings that felt authentic and good.  My energy felt buoyant.  So simple, so clean and so clear.  I didn’t feel this clenching tightness that could also be associated with sexual tension in an intimate relationship.  When I say tension, this was a tension that felt a little over the top and was a kind of warning signal even as I was unable to change it until I healed the karma at its deepest level. The really interesting thing was how supercharged my sexual energy felt in the wake of this.  I was actually concerned that it would all just go away.  As kundalini/prana cleanses the body/self, the energy is less chaotic or intense.  I worried that I might lose this intensity.  I identified that the intensity made me feel vital and alive….I just didn’t like the hardness.  It finally felt like a flowing powerful form of energy that was unencumbered by these tight or tense spots that I knew were there but was powerless to do anything about (until they were healed).  Like some silent reminder, they let me know in each moment that they were there, these tight spots, these blocks. But in the end, it was much-ado about nothing.

The “Reset”

There was a point in my awakening when I had what I call a “reset” of my energy field about a year and a half into my awakening.  This “reset” helped me to more clearly relate to the blocked energy that still remained in me. How this was done was completely unexpected by both me and my healer.  She was told by her guides to simply follow their guidance and take on my energy for a moment.  I was on the phone, doing this at a distance, and didn’t know that this was happening.  She told me to hang up and just breathe deep and wait.  I felt a sudden lightness to my being that was very nice.  Peaceful.  But after about one minute, I felt my old energy come back down around me.  The only way I can describe it was that in taking on my energy, by entering into my energetic capsule, she was able to lend or imbue or surrogate a much needed form of awareness that I was able to inherit as a result of this exchange.

What took its place was….not easy. At all.  I think if I had known what was about to happen, I would not have gone along with it.  What it felt like was a screeching clamor of metal like the sound of a freight train wrecking all around me.  It was accompanied by a deep and abiding physical pain that remained with me throughout my awakening until I released the remaining material. Okay, so that sounds really bad.  But actually, it wasn’t.  This was NOT physical pain.  What it was, was referred pain.  This was soul pain, a pain I had been blocking from my awareness….even in the midst of awakening.  Yes, I was aware of this pain, I had felt it, but I had simply dialed the volume down.  My healer dialed the volume back up so that I could hear what was happening.  I was, simply, much more aware of what was happening to me. And this sped me along on an accelerated path because the pain I felt in my heart was really hard.  But when the pain was released, as the blockages were released that following year, what followed in its wake, was a wonderful feeling that I keep with me to this day.

This level of awareness based on this “reset” has been of huge benefit to me because it has enabled me to see or feel into my energy body that much more deeply so that I can detect even the smaller things in a much more vivid way.  It will, in time, make me that much better of a healer should I choose to go that route.  It was this awareness that created a sense of pain in one of my meridians that helped me to pinpoint the exact area a year ago so I could show my Kahuna healer where to concentrate on in order to begin releasing material there through energy medicine and deep tissue massage.

And?  Poof!  Gone was all of the obsessing over this person I felt connected to but who I knew had been hurting me and would continue to do so because of her entitlement to being trapped in the meme of victim.  I had been told that I just needed to forgive this person…..but in the end, it wasn’t forgiveness that did it.  What did it for me was in being able to see things so clearly….something that I KNEW but that I seemed to hear from them as being the truth.  That was my hitch; I seemed to need to know that they knew.  I know that seems weird, but for my brand of karma, that was just what the doctor ordered.  Quietly, I was able to simply slip the bonds and soar.  Now, how it does it for you, what YOUR trigger is, I can’t say.  For me, though, it was like someone finally saying, “I know that what I was doing was messed up….I know…..and I am sorry about it…” That was all I needed to know, that yes, they knew that what they were doing was off. And now?  I feel no draw to this kind of thing at all.  It is as though I have transcended a murky layer in the ocean and am now in a much clearer place.

Having said all of this, my own energetic awareness shows me that there is still more murk in the root chakra, but it does not seem to be so entangled with others and this blame game that I have gotten tangled in.  I for one am glad to be free from it.  Come what may, at the least THIS part has been cleared, something I have been working on clearing for years.

How It Works

Until such an event takes place where you can resolve the “hitch” or the “hook” of the karmic connection, you remain on the merry-go-round caught in a recursive set of behaviors due to a suppressed set of emotions that are begging to be healed.  This can be done by a simple moment of honesty.  In this one important wrinkle, I was waiting on the honesty of another in order to feel the sense of release I hoped for for so long.  And for me, in my case, it released a whole series of difficult to live with feelings.  Now, free from all of this, I can FEEL myself unencumbered by the weight of another and their feelings of incompletion.  I simply had to know once and for all that this was not mine….but had been making it mine in this codependent cycle that was my karma.  Now with this new clarity of self and heart and soul, I ask myself: what am I going to do now? It will be interesting to see what manifests in the days that come.  With the karma gone, so too is the old chemistry that was caught in the dark goddess.  I am ready for the one who dwells in the light.  And the ONLY reason why I am going to the trouble of opening up like this is because each of us can reach this same place in our own time.  It is possible!  Whoot!

There are numerous methods that can be useful to you in assisting prana in doing its work re-magnetizing you to your larger authentic self.  I have done all of this work without traditional methods like yoga.  While I esteem yoga greatly, I know that it is but one of many methods that can be used.  Ultimately, the goal is doing what makes you flow and open up to the energy.  Breath work helps a lot, including alternating nostril breathing, something I created for myself that I call “Active meditation” which involves working on moving energy in my body and dropping into a deep state where I can feel the buoyancy of my lovely energy that connects me to the universe and reveals to me how the presence of the All is hidden in the atoms and cells of my body.  Centering attention on centers where you feel resistance helps to clear flow, as does movement, ANY movement from dance to things like Chi Gung, deep tissue massage, energy work, reiki, and more.  If you are dealing with awakening, drop into your deeper self and ask yourself what you most need to know.  Try it; then await the answer.  I will bet that you will wind up with resources coming out of your ears….people handing you books, people showing up to act as mirrors, teachers, guides, any number of things can manifest themselves. So trust in the power that is yours and that is also part of the universe.  You are, after all, a part of it and it is part of you!

नमस्ते

When I had my awakening, I awoke aware that I was feeling someone in my head, in my space….it was hard to pin down at first….but some part of me that woke up KNEW this was so, even as my rational mind was struggling just to keep up with the newness that was taking place.  All of it was novel, interesting, sometimes even scary or anxiety-producing.  I lived with the idea that I had a soul twin because, simply, there was no other theory out there that explained it so….well.

Cracks began to show up in that fairy-tale world when I heard the really hard and mean things this twin of mine would say sometimes.  I began to question, and as I questioned, more things popped up that showed me that something was amiss.  The concept of the twin soul was a fairy-tale.  Like angels on clouds and happily ever afters and gurus who are perfect (note: there is no such thing-these are things we would like to be true but are not). The experience was cosmic and I WAS feeling this person at the soul level deeply.  Yes.  Wonderful, yes.  But human still, yes.

In perfect timing, as I was beginning to question the mythos of the Twin Soul and the Twin Flame along came a person who had gone through all of this herself and we began this dialog.  It was one of the most insightful of any kind of dialog I have had with another person.  She spoke my language, and she helped to fill in some spots that I was clamoring around in the dark for.  One of the things that she talked about was how karma creates chemistry.  At first, this was so non-intuitive that while I took it all in, I honestly had some trouble with it.  After all, the energy that was a part of the connection felt so….natural. It just felt like it was so deep within me, right?

But the same is true for karma.  Whoops.

I have been at the cleansing process that is a part of awakening since early 2007 (early February) and I have slowly come to a realization through many many releases that some of the biggest troubles have been in the more base chakras.  Each release in the meridians or chakras (or both) has always been accompanied by changes in how I felt and how I reacted to things that might have upset me before.  I have been hard at “work” getting my field cleared because of how much better it has made me feel, how richer and more…..buoyant….my energy has felt following a clearing.  Despite how some have said that the root is cleared first, I have to take issue with this and call such tales utter nonsense. No, kundalini clears the easiest to the hardest.  It is like water, following the path of least resistance.  If it had tackled my poor solar plexus, sacral, or root chakras first, I would still be here today telling you how kundalini is still trying to bust down that one hardened armored wall!  Instead, I have hundreds, thousands of victories both big and small that has made the last three years easier.

The last three years has been a time period where MOST of my energy field was cleared with mostly sacral/root blocks remaining.  it has been challenging and sometimes utterly frustrating to see how big the block was, but I can say that over the last year especially, I have spent every single day surrendering to the flow of prana in the hopes that it would flow into those hard places and break up the material.  My meditations have shown me that it was a densely packed series of layers.  Some of the work that I have done has included utilizing a reiki practitioner as well as a  massage therapist who specializes in the Kahuna method, which honors the balance of the masculine and feminine current in our bodies.  I was able to break a lot of material free from those sessions.  I even reported a year or two ago how one reiki practitioner could not detect ANY blockages in my root and patted me on the back and admonished me about not trying to create a problem where no problem existed.  This was a person who was the head of a massage school and is well known in our community for her therapy work.  And this is mentioned as a cautionary tale that for those of you who are going extra deep into yourselves that there may be some who could help you that don’t….or can’t…perhaps because they themselves cannot feel that deep or detect what exists at such a cleared level.

I mean, think about it….most everyone on the planet is blocked from head to toe in some way or another.  I know this may sound severe, but as I awoke, my ability to sense energy was increased about three to four-fold.  Before then, I had been reading auras since I was 18 and I am now 50.  So lots of experience with this end of awareness…..and I can say that those who slumber are simply not aware all that much.  And it is probably good that they are not aware for the time being.  Only when you are ready to tackle such a backlog of material as we all have here on the planet can you really have any hope of getting it done.  otherwise it simply seems to be too big of a mountain.  I know that it has been a mountain for me, and I also know people who have been at this for decades who are still wearing away the stone, so to speak. I am not saying this to be negative, I am saying it because I observe that it is true.

So the “proof” part….

I was reflecting how I was able to magically release the soul connection I had when I first awakened.  God bless her, but she had issues that made dealing with her hard, and being connected to this, once I became aware of the hardness (I was not aware of the hardness in the beginning you see), it got more difficult.  But what “did it” was a couple of years ago when I initiated a correspondence with her in the hopes of clearing up whatever was left was the moment when she wrote to me, “Parker, I am really HAPPY in my life now…..I woke up and had someone like you to help me through it, to share and make sense of it…..and I now feel things I had not felt before but knew was possible….I really love my life!” Poof!  In that moment, it was like this thing gave way in me and I realized I was holding something up I just didn’t need to hold up anymore.  Then thre came this awareness in the clarified moment that I had known her in some official capacity as an advisor.  It FELT like she was a leader of some kind….and somehow I had let her down in some way.  THIS led to a hitch karmically that led to our connection later while in the super-charged environs of an awakening (a double-whammy!).  Then, as I began breathing more deeply and more slowly, I dropped down into it deeper and I was shown that no, I had not let her down.  It wasn’t event THAT clear-cut.  I had FELT like I had let her down.  Her problem was HER problem, but I had taken it to mean that I had failed her.

The interesting thing is that this was exactly what happened in another relationship…I was hooked, literally hooked into this fear of failing another person and letting it eat me up energetically and karmically.  It doesn’t matter what actually happened, it is HOW we choose to FEEL about an event that is the hook of karma.  And this is one reason why I have so much trouble with the concept of karma.  It is called “action” and I have recently considered maybe they were including inner action, because otherwise the definition as given by the Buddha seems…shallow….and prone to turning into being a punishment or something of the like.  People do this, though.  They are upset that something didn’t turn out the way they would like and they say “Karma is gonna get you!!!”  All the while, though, the deeper truth is that karma isn’t a punishment.  It is based on how far we have chosen, yes chosen, to turn away from our inner divine natures.  THAT nature is….perfect.  it does not NEED to be anything except perfectly itself.  And yet, we allow ourselves to get pulled in all these directions that are not in our highest.  Like me, just wanting people to be happy and failing at it because…..well…I am not the Lord of people’s happiness.  They are.  This was so bad in a prior relationship that my ex told my children that I had failed them at a time when I was sticking to my guns when the economy was in a rut.  Truth be told, when you tell children this kind of thing, YOU are the one “failing.”  But this was the consequence of living in this way.  The person who acted as the put-upon victim became the victimizer.  Terrible.  So it was in my interest to untangle this mess as soon as possible, right?

To learn more about how this all turned out, I have broken this post into two chapters, with the second one immediately following this one.  So now for chapter two….

 

 

A friend sent me this link to Matt Kahn’s insight into pain and spirituality.  It is maybe one of the best discussions about the subject I have heard in a long while.  I think it is honest, and on point.  It also points out how we continually keep our lives and world on a circular escalator of pain through punishment instead of the compassion that leads us and others out of pain.  Its kind of huge when you think about its implications for us as a species.  While it is long, it is worth listening to all the way through.  Let me know what you think!

I suggest using a down-loader program to grab the video (which is usually fairly quick) for viewing later.  YTD downloader is one such program that you might find useful for these longer videos.  It is HERE and can be used for Youtube videos.  You can choose to download the video at a low resolution for faster loading, put it on your phone or tablet, computer, etc.

%d bloggers like this: