Archives for category: Healing Blocks

In the midst of all of this awakening the experience taught me that there was little I could do to effect any positive change outside of my own inner change. It was such a contrast. I was changing fast and my ex and my son weren’t changing, they were actually reacting negatively to the energy that was flowing through me. They were in polarity. I was watching this horror show unfold and there was no changing it. It was going to happen, I tried many times to be a calm voice of reason, but there was one way this was going to go. Somewhere in our development we rise to the surface of all the samsara and gasp, taking in the air of a new life and wonder if there is any way to stay in this new world long enough for change to happen in the depths. How do we turn this ship, which has been on the same heading for years? There’s no use in sugarcoating any of this because we all have been born into a world that is riddled with dysfunction. Most don’t notice (and are the happiest among us), in large part because they are so enured to it that the horror of our world have been normalized: mass shootings, the poor living in tent cities, nations rushing headlong into war with nuclear armed nations! The (lack of) humanity!

Whoo boy, Parker, I don’t think they want to hear this stuff!

Because of my own makeup as this kind affable person who was this thoughtful artist and mystic, I sometimes have attracted those who lack what I posess. They say opposites attract. In addition, for me, these personality types have been involved in abusive behavior, an issue going back to my childhood, so I suppose I grew accustomed to them and unconsciously attract or am attracted to them. I was a year out of an abusive marriage when this person energetically forced her way into my life. This person was a carbon copy of my ex behaviorally. Part of me knew it and had taken a protective stance. This time I was along to see if I could change all of this. Could karma be changed? Was I mad? I really wanted to help make change, but people need to be ready to see and help make the change. Had I really wanted to help or change someone as a run-around changing myself? Not so much. But maybe a little. Maybe just enough for it to be a problem, a karmic hook. Karma creates chemistry.

Finally, after years of emotional chaos after emotional chaos and her temporal meltdowns, she finally found someone else to latch onto who lived far away and she moved away.

She had told me the first few weeks I knew her that she had spent her whole life moving from one place to the next, spending not more than five years in any one location. It was because of the abuse she had experienced, she said. When she moved away five years later, I realized that the genesis of all the problems were about her. She wanted to run, because my presence pushed her buttons. She would panic in my presence and she dudn’t know why. It had nithing to do with anything I had said or done. I spent years trying to be calm and cool as she went through meltdown after meltdown. I realized that this wasn’t going to work. She would push responsibility for her feelings onto others. If I didn’t pay just the right amount of attention to her in public, she would berate me. Everything became my fault as I slowly grew tired of the treatment. To make matters more strange, she would say how terrible I was and then a week or two later go on about how important I was in her life. I remember reading about these kinds of people in an article that described these personality types as saying “Your terrible, I hate you, don’t leave me!” I was fooled for years with the act and only in our last year together was I able to begin to see the behaviors for what they were. I had willingly gotten back with her numerous times in the hope that something might change, but her limit was about two weeks before she would meltdown. I had to realize that this person had been doing this her whole life and it was time to let go, bless her, and hope she could find peace.

I wound up learning about narcisists, and saw how both women I had known were on the spectrum of this behavior. My ex was the most destructive, though, because she was toying with the hearts and minds of my children. Still, both were amazing in their destructive capacities due to their inability to fully self reflect. At least not when it mattered most, which was when they were in full freak mode and were trying to pin the tail on the wrong donkey. Life with these people was like living in a house of mirrors. And you want to know what? Some part of me was attracted to that vibe, even if I didn’t know consciously what it was that I had on my fishing line. All I knew was that the energy was BIG. I had to admit that I had to unlearn this and be open to awakening to aid me in releasing the karma and the sense of supernatural draw. This isn’t to say there weren’t important moments, or bright light in either experience. I just happened to become involved with some incredibly immature people.

What I didn’t know was that if you stepped back one lifetime or three or seven or fifty (more like fifty for one), you see some really gnarly stuff happen, a real tragedy unfolded, and in some cases, no one was at fault, and yet HOW people reacted to the event in the past created the karmic pull lifetimes later. People died, reincarnated, and were pulled back into relationships again, but this time all they felt was this powerful pull and this breathtaking sense of attraction. I wish it wasn’t so counterintuitive as that.

I have to say that in each soul connection I have had there was some rough karma to work through. In one case it was as simple as me wanting to serve and please another person. Once I knew everything was good, the MOMENT I knew that her awakening that took shape when I entered her life (all from a great distance I might add) was to her great benefit and that she was happy despite our not being together, everything just fell away. “I’m happy, Parker, I really am!” The karma was that I had felt like I had failed her in another life, and in some ways that was true. She was a leader and I a trusted aid. I gave bad advice and because of it people died and she and I were then wound like wicker to each other, you could say.

All of this was an education, of course How practical was it for us to be together really? She was in Canada and I was in the U.S. We had only met two times. She was only willing to go to the water’s edge and I needed to jump into it and swim to the continental shelf to find the endless blue, the kind of deep blue that is like staring into the Void. It was the Void for me. And I understood before we parted ways that she KNEW she wasn’t able to go where I wanted or needed to go in this process. Neither was wrong, each took what they needed.

Who can say what is right for anyone? In the end it wasn’t some great love down through time, no. It was this meeting where I helped her as an African Pharaoh. But underlying it was this wrinkle in us both that led us to screwing something up royally. So when I hear people talk about twin flames or twin souls as this split in a person’s soul, I have to chuckle. No, it isn’t that, I don’t think. It feels great because it is a crack in the cosmic egg, and in rushes our soul energy which is amazing! The gift is we feel the energy from the divine leaking through into us at first, then flooding more and more later. This flood of truth can also freak peole out. We are able to realize a little of what we are beyond all of this. And yes, it is amazing and glorious, but it can also send people to dark places too as their unresolved issues can get amplified.

The reason why we aren’t able to see into this realm of soul so well is because of how we have evolved. It would help us dealing with spiritual experiences if the curtain was pulled back a little more for everyone. This curtain or veil so many speak of is merely how we have learned to tune all of this amazing stuff OUT! What we feel when we feel the draw of the twin is the draw of karma with the incredible boundless love of the soul. Soul love is the great untold story in all of this. So whether you become aware of it within yourself as pure bliss or if you are caught in a soul connection, the effect is the same. Meanwhile, I think the best thing to do is to make the best of it.

So when my ex showed up recently, it was bizarre. Surreal. I didn’t have the sense that she would EVER be able to acknowledge that she had done ANYTHING wrong or bad. But there she was trying to use her new dog as the way to introduce herself and why she was there in the first place. Just stopping by….and by the way, she wanted to say how sorry she was.

But hang on. Did this person really know why she was sorry? What she did was behavior that was exactly like a psychopath. That term sounds really severe, doesn’t it? But a psychopath isn’t some axe-wielding slobber-jawed maniac seeking to kill anyone they see. No. Psychopathy is actually the lack of conscience in a certain area emotionally. It is a blind spot, a lack in the emotional feeling space of the individual. It leads a person to do horrible things but never see or understand why any of their terrible behavior is a problem. You can’t know what you don’t know, the experts explain. And it could be a blind spot in one area and one area only in their inner landscape. By being that way, a problem could lie unacknowledged for years. People like me, spouses, could see hints of it, but I am a glass half full person so I just told myself it wasn’t as bad as it was, which served to enable the behavior to some extent. Everything else about her was so functional, so smart, so aware, so caring.

Psychopaths charm the public and often rise to places of power sometimes and as presidents they can send us all off to war at the drop of a hat and with no compunction about it whatsoever. Psychopaths are functional people, and they are everywhere. They are in politics, medicine, in Fortune 500 companies, in schools, and in families. They are people with a blind spot in them. In the case of my ex, it had to do with how she used my kids to try and hurt or punish me for not giving her something she felt she was entitled to in our divorce. When I explained what happened, people had a hard time believing it. The same was with this other woman. People would remark about how together she seemed. Then we would get to my place and she would go into an emotional melt-down that would be hours and hours of drama. In fact, I found that the longest she could hold it together was about ten days. She would claim that something about me pushed her buttons. This was always a mystery because there was never any action I would do, no trigger that could be identified. No, it was my presence. It was my realization that the jig was up and I was at the end of the illusory rope. She feared letting go of that rope. She held to it for dear life even as I coaxed her to loosen her grip. I was a threat…but the threat I represented was the threat of freedom. We often don’t see freedom for what it is and instead see it as a threat to our safety.

By this time I had ceased trying to help her anymore. I saw that she would go into one temporal meltdown after another. My guide’s words echoed in my mind: “You wouldn’t be doing what you are doing now if you knew what lay on the other side of this.” I had learned that I could see freedom as a threat or freedom as an unknown to be feared. I never put this onto another person, though. So given all of this, I stood there watching as my ex said that she was sorry.

So I asked her if she knew what she was sorry for.

She gave me this squinty look that told me she really was lost and had no idea what I was on about. It’s okay, her awareness is her awareness. You can’t pretend that her and your awareness is anywhere near the same. Meet her where she is.

So I did something that was uncharacteristic of me before awakening happened, which was I began to rattle off a few of the worst offenders in her behavior. To her credit, she listened and didn’t turn defensive. Before this, I couldn’t bring up ANY mention of her bad behavior without it being turned back on me, effectively gaslighting me. Twelve years of an information and honesry embargo. It was always my fault back in the day. All of it. But now she was squinting at me sideways and not putting up a defense. The tables had turned. Still, I wasn’t going to do what she did to me, nor did I want to. I kept on going down the list and she didn’t run away. I learned that she had been through a lot of therapy about all of this, and my guess was my innermost fantasy had come true, which was a therapist at some point explained to her just how abusive her behavior was and maybe she needed to set things right if she was ever going to feel any better. The clue was probably how obsessive she was about how she felt she had been treated unfairly (in my defense I behaved in a way I knew was fair).

What happened was something I was unable to achieve, which was to forgive my ex for what she did. Something came undone as a result of our talk out in my yard that day. I realized that this was the end of helping the broken birdies. From now on, everyone finds their way and no more being overly generous (and setting up a sense of entitlement). It is important that everyone learn how to be self sufficient both materially and emotionally, right? It seems time for a new chapter to be written, because honestly, I thought that this was it, and if that is so, I had little interest in this world to be honest.

How someone’s act of contrition, their mea culpa, was able to shift how I felt about the whole of life was downright magical. Instead of feeling like I wanted to beat a quick retreat back to the numinous realm I felt more eager to remain here on this still crazy ball of earth spinning through space. What are the chances that the craziest species ever, bent on destroying others and itself, but would get one of the most beautiful planets in the cosmos?

Besides, I have a project that I have to finish, which will help to settle a multi-lifetime theme involving the birth of Christianity and how it once taught sophisticated methods for attaining the Christ within. Surely its worth staying around to get that taken care of, right??

My hope is that we didn’t all wake up only to turn woke and ideologically extreme, unable to capture the nuance and the broad range of what it means to be a human here. I pray that the maniacs don’t get to decide our destiny. We all need to look our neighbors in their eye and offer kind words of understanding. Soon. We are being divided faster than a fraternity can cut up a pizza on Pledge night. For as bad as things can seem, there is so much to be thankful for and so much hope that lies curled up within our world…

The result has been a loosening of these threads that held me in an alienated position. I also see that when I hold a karmic cord tight the person on the other end often holds tight to it also, unaware of what that little bit of tightness is all about. But loosening, it goes away forever, and does not return. Perhaps the relationships that mirror this karma fall away. Perhaps some might continue changed. I think I am at that point of more wholesale change, so I rather think its time for an entirely new chapter….no…a new book to be written.

I do wonder what happens to the people who were part of those old patterns when the patterns get erased, healed, or transmuted. I suppose they are like the sacred actors in our lives who often bear terrible things that then provide the potential for us to choose differently and to feel differently as well. We are here for such a short while, and we are all coming and going. It seems worth it to make the most of all of this and face a many of our demons as we can. In spirit all things are known. On earth, things are veiled. What happens when we bear heaven to earth and cause the veiled to be seen again. Do we do our little part in redeeming earth or our little place in it?

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I have been busy, so its been a minute.. I haven’t much to say, too, and I am loathe to write just because. In the last few years I have gone back to my studio discipline after teaching for a number of years. Most of my writing has been while I taught, which was itself a side track experience that has helped me be better in my studio practice.

I am back to the studio since late 2017, where I designed entirely new lines of work for a business that would have a strong online presence. The demands of a business are always significant, more a lifestyle than something that you punch in and out of each day. There continues to be new work, new efforts in new directions with the studio even after my return in 2017 where I spent two years simply designing new work with no focus on selling (this was my own self-imposed creative retreat and it was wonderful). I could say how I doubled numbers over last year with an emerging event, certainly something nice, but that too is itself, when put into context, rings hollow to me. This is what happens when your world and your purposes are shifted so dramatically by this light bulb experience called awakening. When you have been to the mountain, there is this feeling of “meh” sometimes….something that by rights ought not happen to a person who is able to accept what-is, but I am after all human just like everyone else. I can say though that while parts of the studio process leave me unimpressed, the core fire of the creative where opposites merge is most of what keeps me above ground. It’s possible that it a problem with my personality who, upon being one with the Supreme Consciousness, has trouble staying on the farm after that. I suppose I should be more flexible, more humble, and more accepting. Like St Theresa of Avilla, I am left pensive for that time when I can leave here and be in spirit and be with that perfectly beautiful presence again. It’s enough to make anyone pull away from the worldly things. And yet, there is a path through and back to the inspired state, too, which I find in creativity. Bliss, I find, drives creativity and creativity drives bliss. But lot of bliss can kind of bleach you out it seems. When you have been “to the mountain” what do you do after that? I think you really have to look carefully to see the sublime in everything. I think bliss can also alter your physiology, which is itself a bit of a challenge many may not recognize right off. I remind myself that every moment in this system of reality is an amazing creative miracle where energy turns itself inside out to appear as matter to us and that the whole shebang is being recreated nano-second by nano-second. Its pretty amazing. That is what I have to hold onto to, which sounds a little crazy (I admit).

What can I tell you that will feed your soul? What can I tell you that will help sharpen your awareness in just the right way? Maybe only you can do that, and maybe all I can ever hope to do is to inspire you to that place.

The paperwhites, which are in full bloom now in the front window of the gallery lean to the light and fill the air with this super sweet reminder of how precious nature finds recreating itself to be: it creates a scent so sweet and strong that it is hard for pollinators to resist. The creation will put on its best so it can continue, and here we are spinning through space, a part of this dance of creation.

It’s interesting how, at a time when I am attending to the inner work the least, issues of karma have resolved themselves. I had always wondered about the power of time on karmic glitches…I think people think how they are so permanent, and I think they are only insofar as we are tied to what those karmas represent. Some of them I think just age out, that is, their once-strong impression is now rendered like nothing after inactivity and shifting awareness from that place within where it lies. No longer being given sustenance, like leaves they fall and die, but remain all about us because conscious recognition hasn’t touched them, and it has always seemed that once the conscious or outer self acknowledges them, those karmic threads are fully transmuted and we are freed from their governing effects (see ‘triggers’).

What happened for fifteen years was a near-constant attending to this process as a result of a kundalini awakening. Its important, certainly, but a few years ago I noticed how so much of the energetic entanglements that I had in my field were resolving themselves one way or another. Some of it, though, seems to have happened in a more background fashion, made possible by simply not “gnawing” on it.

Recently, my ex wife showed up in order to express how she was sorry for how she had treated me over the years after our divorce (and during it). True, her bad treatment of me had spanned years, and true it had been persistent and it had been harrowing for me because of how manipulative the behavior was and how it included my children as emotional pawns in the process (something I was powerless to do anything about, to change, or to help my children with besides grinning and bearing it). The process was one of emotional abuse on her part, seeking to hurt me because I dared stand up for what was right at one point in our divorce process, while my children were used as a way to get at me by trying to alienate them.

This experience was like living in a hall of mirrors where everything that was her fault was put onto me, a very strange form of misdirection and projection all at once. This person sought to try and destroy or spoil my relationship with not just my children but also with family members. In a strange way, people in my family had connections to either my ex or her new husband in odd entirely coincidental ways (a sister of mine employed her future husband before we ever divorced for instance).

I had been made into this monster who could not be treated like a normal human…not allowed to approach the house because clearly I was a danger. Park on the street, stuff like this, and stay away from the house (my house). I was never threatening, I never gave her a reason to treat me in this way. Turns out though that this is often how people are treated when targeted with parental alienation. The real person who was the danger was her, but when I tried to turn the tables on her at once point when she was tearing up my yard trying to turn around in my driveway, she pointed out how unsafe that would be, making my daughter cross the street to get to the car, which was something that I was made to do for years. So much of this was small and petty, but it was persistent and wearing. My children were told I didn’t love them, care about them, and wouldn’t be there for them. How do you explain to people how what someone who is saying with utter confidence and certainty (it seems) is utter and complete BS? I was completely outmatched by this person who grabbed the microphone and said whatever she wanted to that she thought would bring me down. Years later a psychic friend said it was like street fighting. It was horrible, that is true. I mostly just bore it without saying anything. To protest would be like throwing gas on the fire. The point was never about being right but about her maintaining a position and behavior toward me that was persistently denigrating.

It began in earnest when awakening came and instead of giving something away in my divorce that belonged to me (an inherited piece of property), I realized if the shoe had been on the other foot I would have never thought to ask. Because of this, I was rendered persona non grata where my family was concerned. A propaganda campaign began and continued for twelve years. Many family members saw through it, but for those who were not in the know, they were swayed by it. My relationships suffered. Parental alienation is what this is called and it has now been entered in the DMSV of psychological disorders acknowledged by the psychiatric community. What underpins its effectiveness is the bias of “S/he wouldn’t be saying all of this crazy stuff if there wasn’t anything to it!” The Nazi propagandist Goebbels said that the bigger the lie, the less likely a person was to disbelieve it. A firm assertion by a trusted parent saying that the father in truth didn’t love the child nor anyone in the family and was just off doing his own thing without a care for the family is hard for a child to shrug off in some cases. For a child vulnerable enough emotionally to consider this a possibility, the results are devastating.

Further, children of this form of abuse who internalize the brain washing, do not remember the parent taking part in the alienation, instead, once the narratives have been internalized, the child actually believes that s/he came up with the opinion all on their own. Try convincing a child that they had been fed this negativity once their ego’s think they came up with it on their own. No matter what I said or did, that child could not be dissuaded from their opinion of me. It was a nightmare. The majority of children so treated and affected do not see the deception nor do they reunite with the alienated parent.

Many parents describe the behavior as being like their children joined a cult. That was exactly how I felt when I began reading about this type of behavior. For years I thought that somehow I was at fault. Waking up I realized that no, the fault was not with me, at least with many of the things that my soon to be ex tried to throw at me and my children. It was in many ways like a death, one in which I was shoved underwater and allowed to drown. By not being able to see my children, by having game after game played on me about visitation with my children, it was like having the life being wrung out of me. In the literature it is stated that the parent most often the target of this behavior is the more sensitive one, the more loving one. It is hard I think to quantify love this way, but in this case being able to not manipulate your children emotionally to have the other parent alienated and to not turn them against half of their extended family members I would say yes, that is a more loving approach for a parent.

End part 1

Part of me didn’t want to come here, but another part had made a promise to.

This world is like the womb of heaven. It awaits its opposite to bring heaven to earth. It is how the soul guaranteed that we would enter into relationship: with ourselves, with each other, with matter itself. Our myths contain elements about this union of opposites. I see them as much in us as in the world…for we are a part of it. We are learning about the aspects related to creative energy. As our relationships often bear out, we are imperfect with it. These polarities exist in our two brain hemispheres, our two sides (left and right) mirror it as do the sexes, the yin and yang. The great secret is it has been in us as well as outside of ourselves.

This relationship is multidimensional in nature, existing at many levels at once. It is in the atom, the cell, the soul, and exists as a unifying element that can lead us to our salvation. It can also lead us to our doom if we refuse to understand it.

Presence here, to be more realized, has always meant breathing awareness into this world, into ourselves, to bear heaven to earth, to recognize a trinitarian consciousness whereby two opposites within merge and birth a third consciousness, a synthesis of the two, an ascendant aspect or quality in our consciousness that leads us each to a greater life, better awareness, and with time: bliss. Some fold that quality into higher vibrational relationships that offer redemption and cleansing. It can also be done alone, and is done alone (even when in relationship). It is along one end of the spectrum of awakening dealing with the archetypes of the divine feminine and masculine.

This redemption isn’t achieved by believing that earthly existence is somehow flawed, broken, or inherently bad. It is instead waiting for us to make it into what we will. Each one of us has a part to play. You need only listen to your own inner voice. The Buddha within points to this inner knowledge as did the Christ…and both tend to point away from physical life as some ultimate answer seems to loom. The ultimate has always been here in the power of the present moment.

The delights here are a mirror of what exists in spirit. They always have. To what degree are we each good at translating that reality here on earth? Right. There is a lot of work to be done.

I find that the way into this work is to regard our experience here as filled with possibility and adventure. The sensual need not be eschewed, for our desire isn’t a force leading to our downfall, but to its opposite, if we can realize what the forces are at work: opposites not made to snare you, but to teach you. When we surrender to them a transcendent quality in us knows just what to do.

Be an earthling, take part in its wonders, know that this is a place to learn, a place where we each agree to dream an experience that has in the past felt like a “fall” into density. I came here to raise that dense vibration up by adding something to it in my own personal experience…to experience it, to share it, and then to tell at least one or two more souls about the alchemy that our souls and bodies bear. So much shame that was not necessary.

For me, the height of the spiritual is seeing the physical as an important part in the cosmic play. This is not a place to be feared but a place to be redeemed…and we are the ones whose beliefs need to be remade and redeemed.

Physical and spirit, two ends of a spectrum. I leave you with the words of a man who got it:

Just a note, I don’t know who needs to see this, but for those who have done clearing work, the act of allowing the force of prana (often expressed as kundalini, but not always) then you are familiar with how this works. If you aren’t, there are numerous modalities that can help, with or without an abundance of prana present. Many of them involve movement of the body: deep tissue massage, chi gong, ecstatic dance, acupressure/puncture. Whether the stuck emotion is in the body or there is an important feedback from the body for unlocking stuck emotion, the body plays an important role.

The release of stuck energy is a bit of a rabbit hole, though, and this is because the energy body has five nested aspects that make it up, which is your full energetic expression on this plane. This means that you can clear an energy center once, twice, three times, and on up to FIVE times. It can be a bit mystifying sometimes. When it happened to me, I wondered if I had somehow missed something. This was the result of these layers of the energy body that in the Sanscrit is called ‘kosha’ which means sheath. The energy body is like a multidimensional nesting doll, with multiple aspects all nested one into the other. This is why you might have a fabulous clearing of the root chakra only to come back the following year to be at it, clearing it again.

Koshas are like the layers of an onion.

The clue here that you aren’t just clearing new material you managed to store away, is how the center feels each time you perform a release. It is like entering a room, say the living room, and it feels completely different and even looks different as you enter each of its different aspects. It’s possible to clear a center five times, and each clearing feels as if you are in a different space.

Clearing the heart center years ago left me wondering what was going on. Hadn’t I already had a dramatic clearing already? I shrugged and figured it would make sense later. It did, luckily, as I found by accident the concept in yoga of the koshas.

I found that by clearing material in the heart, it got hard for me to relate to certain people the same way as before. Turned out, we shared an energetic arrangement and karma that created a kind of tense ‘cord’ between us. I was able to observe what dissolving that glitch in me did to another person who was not ready for change. Now this is highly individual. One person might just feel an emptiness tied to peace, but another person who is invested in their inner junk could feel unsettled. I saw how many of my releases definately impacted my then-wife who, it turns out, was not a person interested in doing any inner work to speak of. Meltdowns ensued within 12 hours of each release. This happened over a dozen times. The important thing to remember is I never told anyone about my releases as they happened, so this type of coincidence goes beyond coincidence in my book (most likely probably 🙂 )

This work has also meant that by releaaing so much, it effectively allowed me to step over the wall of people’s own limits as a personality on Earth to go into the realm of their soul so that I could feel the sublime character of souls in communion….even as that person could not feel what I felt and seemed incredulous about my insistence that I could feel what I felt. Since all of our hopes as social creatures is to have the other share in the experience, it is like having someone meeting you in a restaurant but who can’t see you when you show up. It has happened before, and it is a sign that real substantive work is being done. It can also be lonely, too.

Just as an aside, this is why I often say traditional methods of psychic protection are not that effective by putting up resistance. What happens perceptually with ANY consciousness is when you change your energy signature to something finer, it is difficult for others to see you or sense you etherically. Lower level entities can’t hook into your energy neither can they see you since to see you would mean matching your vibration. This is to my experience the only real “protection” from untoward influences. Your energy doesn’t contain unhealthy desires that can hook or be hooked by something.

That said, I am not convinced that the goal is to ever be without desire (and their corresponding hooks) because even the Dali Lama admitted not long ago that some desire is noble. Me, I think some desire can be of a very high quality that avoids the coarser qualities that may have been present in our nature or consciousness at one point in our development. Some desires lead us to God. And no, that union isn’t one that is devoid of junk, but full of a live that isn’t divided, which means all aspects of love are present in that moment, regardless of how embarrassed you might be about it. Mystic union is in fact heresy were the Christian church to know its fullest reality. Luckily, we have other arrows in our quiver.

The work for me was a slog at first. As time went by by sense that each release would acrue to a better state that woukd be persistent and not subject to swings from amazing bliss to horrible depths of shadow…a dark night of the soul. I dug myself out by digging deep. To dig deep you just need to feel deep and allow your intuitiin to guide you. It might not be perfect, but it is far superior to anything your rational mind cooks up. With the rational is also the most restrictive form of ego. It has forgotten that it is a budding creator. The path to understanding this is the feeling part of the self. Doing this is so simple many people make it too complicated (I did). It drives a simplicity along with a joy as you realize that all of this is a creation. Are you creating a sense of limitation and the poverty of heart and mind it brings? It doesn’t matter how rich you are because this is about feeling. Learning to conquer feeling opens up a vast dominion that is what you are.

I hope you can put this to use to assist in freeing yourself. . .

Life is full of surprises.

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I have been working methodically on a manuscript about early Christianity. It’s a slog in order to have all of the right sources. My project presents the thesis that in earliest Christianity there was a very different understanding concerning some foundational concepts that would inform the religion for centuries. It’s a story of one group that pitted itself against another and sought to wipe away its influence for all time. But like the sun, moon, and the truth, what was hidden was later revealed when documents began to surface from early on in the movement that told a very different story. It is one of the greatest stories never told about a religion that exerted tremendous influence for centuries.

It’s here that someone from the distant past emerged, a seeker herself, and artist like me, who was keen to collaborate with me. What has emerged has been a new project on a facet of awakening most commonly known as twin souls or twin flames. This is an aspect of awakenings today that link people who have karma in common.

I have been critical of the concept, though, and it was a surprise finding myself considering a project like this. The result has been a flood of information that provides a new perspective on the phenomenon that I have been bringing through. Because of my familiarity with the subject already and the history of awakening, I found I have been able to bring what I think may be a new perspective on the phenomenon.

The agreement was that the project had to be small. I didn’t have the time to devote to a 200 page manuscript. As a result, a book of 120 pages emerged very quickly. The collaboration begins with me writing and my coauthor providing illustrations and proofreading the manuscript.

The illustrations in some cases reveals the artist’s own discoveries of her brush with a new energy in consciousness, which shows up in her work, which I think helps to bring added meaning and comprehension to the project. Being able to have the work illustrated is a plus, something that makes the project unique, I think. There will be some intersections with the book I am working on related to early Christianity, which is awakening and how kundalini was actually being taught. Other cultures and traditions that have teachings or writings on awakening also tends to include the phenomenon of union both on the individual level as well as between two people, which is a second wrinkle in the awakening phenomenon. The book shows that the history on twins as they are called today is scant in the way some would like them represented, but a more abundant field of understanding awaits when you can shift your focus. To this end, I show instances through time when high vibrational relationships emerge. The phenomenon has been hiding in plain sight, but is not obvious to anyone unfamiliar with the subject. It helps if you know how and where to look. A little sleuthing can make for interesting reading.

A lot has been done in a short time, and with our moving into the Fall, I am facing the busiest time of the year for my studio business in glassmaking, so work on the book will go into a less intense phase now which will be a refinement period where I will have friends help review the work for editing. It managed to get slipped in just in the nick of time!

In the meantime, I will be publishing excerpts from the book as the editing work proceeds. This has moved along so quickly we don’t even have a title yet! I am including preliminary illustrations from the artist, which will help give you a sense of the character of the artwork and the flavor of one important aspect of our story telling.

Thanks for stopping by!

We invited our ghosts in with a gesture now long forgotten. They have been haunting us ever since. We love our ghosts for how they ride us, making us feel like weaker versions of ourselves, defeated. We are such curious creatures for how much we love what we dislike. We protest against such truths, but there it is.

A gnawing sense that all is not right in a marriage, we tell ourselves that it could be worse, or how we swallow so much and brush aside what offends our hearts until we turn ’round to find ourselves dunn-hearted, isolated, and alone in our theater of ghosts. Jobs we love to hate, politicians, the line at the store, the broken clock, computer, or way home…we love to hate it all. Why?

It takes great love to not hate ourselves for this, but to summon that love that, when felt, extends to everything it touches, including ourselves is one of the kindest of things we can do not just for ourselves, but for the good that will come to those around us. We take those parts of ourselves, in love, like how a parent loves their child, in order to show ourselves the way to a better place, where the ghosts are free to live their truer lives – no longer unknowingly grasped within our hearts and bodies, no longer held to a less than perfect expectation that our underwhelm has trapped them in. In so doing we appeal to the greater lights of our becoming to incrementally find our way home – which is itself a constant process as we go. What once was profane is rendered sacred, what was empty is now full, and what was forgot is remembered.

Many years ago I considered signing up for the Rose Cross or Rosicrucian literature and school of thought. What kept me from following through was this inner voice that had admonished me for years not to “join any religion or school of thought.” Once I awakened, I understood the purpose for me in my life for why this needed to be so, afterwhich the inner voice explained once I got a decade in that this would no longer be necessary. I wasn’t going to throw myself into the dogma or belief of any system at that point. As a result, I was able to begin researching other traditions for clues about illumination and /or enlightenment.

As an outgrowth of this, this video was sent to me and I think you might find it interesting. It is only a primer, but it helps to show how there is a universal phenomenon that has been seen in all the religions and schools of thought which boils down to a non-religious knowledge about body and soul (and all both contains) that I think could be understood in a more plain and objective way while realizing that it leads to themost vivid and deep levels of feeling. So here is the video. Let me know what you think.

Sin has been with us as an idea for far too long for many of us to even take a good guess at how or where it developed or evolved from. It is, though, known that the concept of sin originated in Judaism. Until the time of its emergence, the world literally was without sin. The idea of an act, though now passed, sticks with you and which can be used to judge you later by the divine, was not in existence before Judaism or in other regions of the world. The closest idea of sin might be the Indian concept of karma, but even karma diverges in its main tenets from sin and constitutes a wholly unique take on how our actions affect our future. We have kept it or it has kept us for as long as it has because of how it has occupied our minds and helped to be the influence that it has for as long as it has. I am not going to say that it is all good or all bad, but I certainly think that there were some much better ways we could have gone about illuminating our behavior that didn’t bring up the concept of sin.

With the birth of Christianity in the first century A.D. and its subsequent acceptance of sin, the idea of what you do as having an affect on your future spiritual life in some heavenly realm was given a huge boost. While Judaism asserted that all people were born in sin from the Garden of Eden, Christianity offered a way out of that sin….in a manner of speaking, with Christ letting you off the hook. While it was an advance, it was not without its failings. The tenets of sin have said that we each will be judged for what we have done, and that there is a heaven or a hell waiting for us.

With advances in medical technology, though, people are being pulled back from the brink of physical death more and more. Since many life-saving measures have developed, so too has the incidence of near death experiences (NDE) risen. Now, we have tens of thousands of accounts of peoples’ experiences, and there is one very interesting pattern that emerges despite the variety of cases, and that is no one is sent to a Hell where they stay throughout their NDE. People can in some cases wind up in a dark place, but they are always pulled out of it, or the experience manages to unfold so that the soul winds up back in the light. Further, there is not a single case where a person has been judged by any outside agency. Every account describes how the person, after their life review, is asked how they felt about it, after which the person is able to reflect and explain themselves. While many in the scientific community want to suggest that NDE’s as experienced are little more than a kind of fever dream of the brain shutting down. Doctors point out that normally under conditions of low oxygen levels, the person isn’t peaceful and doesn’t experience anything that remotely approximates the classic NDE.

Dannion Brinkley who had multiple NDE’s explains that in all of his experiences there was never any judgment of him. The judgment was always done within himself. All of this, he explains, is an inside job. That jives with what Jesus said, as well as many other teachers (Buddha for one) down through time regardless of culture of institution. In one case, a person described seeing their past lives as well as their own life review, and the sense was all of this was one very long and involved process of development.

I know that in my own experience that I had what could be termed a kind of life review while I was still alive, courtesy of the dream state. Others have described these “reviews” of their lives also who have had kundalini awakenings (not all though). It happened not long after I found myself suffused in a brilliant white light during meditation. Not long after that, I had a full-blown kundalini awakening, and in a dream I experienced a shortened version of my life review through all of the main issues in my life that had served to snag me emotionally. I had never had a dream that lasted all night. I hadn’t awakened from sleep drenched in sweat either, but there I was, feeling like I had run a marathon. Did I go to Hell? I did descend into shadow lands within myself in order to acknowledge stuck emotional energy in order to free it. Nowhere have I seen evidence of a desire on the part of the divine presence, the Source, to punish us for what we have done in this life. Even the concept of karma, which is often bent by humans into meaning that the universe is somehow “getting back” at them, is itself merely the result of what we put out setting up conditions for future events….unless we heal and become more aware of how a given energy in our consciousness (often with a powerful emotional component and thus tied very closely to beliefs of all kinds) is creating a given condition for us ongoing. I am reminded of the scene in Jesus Christ Superstar where Judas says, “Just don’t say that I’m damned for all time…” In this world, not even you, Judas (much to the chagrin of many devout Christians).

It seems that when we reach a place in our development when we can really see our stuff, we tend to see it and the inner compass which exists in all of us helps us to know how to feel about our lives and our actions. It is true that people do terrible things, but the compass I mention still exists within all of us. In many cases, our access to this divine conscience is buried, covered over. It is also buried behind tons of false beliefs about what we think is good and what we are told is bad. It is never so simple as that, nor black and white.

One of the great prisons for us concerns sin and what we think sin is. Our beliefs about our sexuality and our nature as bliss has somehow managed to become distorted and wounded. There is, though, the bliss body “beneath” the pain body, and when you can dispense with focusing on pain you can begin to experience bliss. The advantage of this is that bliss can help pain to drop away. At the end of the day, you are either going to let it go or you aren’t. i spent a few years trying to manage or wrest my junk out of me. No. There is a way and it is through radical forgiveness. If you can practice that in an honest way, you can in short order, release the stored emotion that causes you to feel reactive to a host of issues in your day to day life. One of the most curious connections between the bliss body and our trauma is how physical bliss is so closely tied to our sexuality. Sexuality is itself a minefield for all of us, and it requires healing to be able to experience bliss ongoing.

Sin was seen as anything that served to distance us from God. In early Christianity the mystics whose history was largely swept from the stage (the Gnostics) describe this as a state of life or a state of death. Sin made us like “dead” and waking up was what restored us to a new glorious life, freed from the burden of sin in each person. In that sense, this is the best description for sin because how we act and how those actions coarsen our soft insides so that we grow dull and can no longer feel the delight that is the divine, then the idea of sin has a place I suppose…I just wish we hadn’t used it as a tool for control.

Yesterday Facebook memories reminded me that wild cherries that I used to pick were ripe. I took the picture on the day I picked those cherries and then posted it that day, so I had an assurance that the same trees were bearing. The cherries grow on a tree in a dear friend’s yard who deceased in November of last year. He was one of my very best friends. We were like wheels that had come off the wagon of the world, misfits, iconoclasts whose journey song no longer matched a loud and increasingly jarring world that seemed like it was losing itself. So we took shelter in our friendship. We had talks about all kinds of things, and he helped me with my electrical equipment since he was an electrical engineer. Rational, but highly creative, the kind of people I often gravitate towards.

With his property still in limbo I went to his place and checked to see if the cherries were ripe. They were. I took a small step ladder to help me reach them because I was going to pick as many as I could get. These cherries are wild, so they are small. They are both bitter and sweet all at once, and being wild, I like that about them.

Normally, I tend to have some communication with someone like my friend after they pass, but I have only gotten glimmers, and it has made me wonder what was up. I was thinking about this as I walked across the yard to get an even larger step ladder to get up higher into the boughs.

Being there, though, in nature, did something to me. It wasn’t a surprise, it is something that happens to me a lot. If I am going to feel a burst of prana, it is going to happen when I am alone in nature. The quieter I am in my mind, the better it is. And I had gotten very quiet. Still. Hands reaching for the cherries still ripe and not overly ripe. I was busy with very little…

As I stood there, I felt my heart open up, and I enjoyed that moment of communion with the tree and all of the life around me…birds, the insects, other trees. I sank into it, and as I did, it was like I found someone there looking out through it all. It was my friend, but it was an aspect of him that, while I recognized it as him, he was just very different. I “got” that it was him, but it was as if he opened up in a way he had never done (perhaps because we weren’t communicating telepathically with each other while he was alive). What happened next is nearly impossible to explain or describe, but I am here to try, so here goes.

Have you ever watched a movie that is in a language you don’t understand, and instead of reading the subtitles, you fix your eyes on the people talking? You are aware that you are not getting the full drift or meaning of the conversation, but you are getting the feel of it, and probably a lot more than you even realized. I could feel my friend coming through, communing with me there, but also speaking to me but not in words….not completely. He was telling me something, but it was more like listening to a symphony of feeling more than anything else. The explaining in word was only a small subset of all of what happened. Part of me craned my neck to try and hear his words…but this seemed like it wasn’t entirely the point. Still. What I was getting was something that was partly just feeling with a kind of narrative wound around it….but he wanted me to get the depth of feeling, and was there I think, because he knew I might be able to catch it in that moment. He approached me, I think, in the way that he did because he knew he could. While I really liked his earthly presence, what I was feeling into was really quite grand, like an inner self without any fear or sense of vulnerability that we often experience here with people.

What he was doing was he was feeling something and telling me about it. I didn’t need the words if I could just stretch out into what he was feeling. I did that. I let myself get closer and closer and to open up more and more without engaging my rational side.

He was capturing a state of mind, one, which, he was explaining, he had spent his life on Earth finding and keeping. He was saying how it would elude him…he would get it and then it would wane and slip between his fingers. What was that? He was showing me and it felt like for a moment that we were somehow suspended outside of time just a bit while I was standing on that ladder picking cherries. I didn’t skip a beat, didn’t get “way far out” I was just very present….right here in the Now. Tears streamed from my face as I leaned into this feeling he was “telling” me about. His big regret was that he couldn’t stay in that state all the time. He said something to the effect that he always knew that this kind of state could change the world. I chuckled at that, and he said something that approached “Okay, it changed my world…”

I stayed with it and I could feel this transmission keep going, and the less I tried to hear it the more I felt it, the stronger it got. It felt a bit like a saxophone playing this really long note, and the longer that note was played, the sweeter and riper it would get, the more intense it was. It required a surrendered state where I could become inspired, and this was what was fueling the experience. It would be very easy to think that I was making this all up in my head, except by now after many instances or experiences like this where I have encountered people who I have not even met before saying and doing things in the ether, I have come to suspect that when it comes fully “hatched” as this experience did, the likelihood of it being something from someone else and not self-created, is very high. I have done this in my work where I have been able to describe the behavior of people who I have not met before and who have been deceased. This feeling that was so nuanced, so full, and that had this undeniable stamp of his nature on it, was sweeping all through me. I was reminded how the rational mind, when allowed to come stumbling into encounters like this can make a mess of things. I checked the rational a few times in the process of this in order to allow the part of my mind, which had the capacity to expand and roam free, the greatest room. It was like being told that being so inspired, so full of wonder and awe is what the world needs more of. My friend has this brand of it that is part of who he is, and he chased it the whole time he was in his life. Later in life, however, he grew jaded and tired of how the world seemed to be falling apart around him, and wondered what the whole point was. This encounter was him setting the needle back into the groove again.

It was very much as Jesus said, that we must be like children in order to get there. There was something orchestral about it. Funny, too, because he was a great musician. We used to make music decades ago in another life when I was in my 20’s. We lived a few miles apart back in the 90’s, and then I went to graduate school and wound up settling in the opposite end of the state four years later. In 2006 I had the opportunity to invest in real estate in the area, and considered my old stomping grounds in the mountains. The only problem was there was only one building on the market that fit the bill. There just wasn’t anything around to buy…and the one building that worked for what I do was almost directly across the street from my friend. We had a good chuckle about that when I bought the property (just as awakening was taking hold). I eventually moved to the area where I bought the property and here I am today. We had both lived in many different places (him the son of a Joint Chief of the Pentagon, he moved around a lot) but this area we both loved more than anywhere else. Now we were just across the street from each other. How funny. This was not an area that I was looking for property nor did I particularly care to go there…but it was the only building like it on the market in the region. Kismet.

What was fascinating about our interaction was it was an exercise in reaching a certain vibration, which was really only the result of surrender and letting myself “fall” into it deeper and deeper. It’s funny how we talk about changing our vibration in cases like this, but honestly, when I experience things like this, it feels more like opening up my mind and heart, removing the blinders, the barriers to the experience. Why it is I sometimes have resistance, why we as humans have resistance, I don’t know. Maybe it is this fear of being “out of it” and fearing a saber toothed tiger might eat us or something. But that was then and this is now, and so we are learning a new way to be…an old new way, I think you could say. But for me, my friend didn’t just present his earthly persona, he dug deep and inspired me to do the same, apparently. Maybe he didn’t need to dig deep in the state he was in without a body. It was one of the most remarkable experiences…and a lot has been happening on the telepathy front as of late. It reminded me that these states are what the earth needs, people who can reach deep and feel…and then pass it along to the others. I think that when we do this, we begin to realize our potential as beings here. It is like stealing back a bit of heaven to plant it here. I find so much of what I try to do is to help bring that “higher vibration” here to the earth (which is I think simply surrendering to our deeper truer nature). But what we think of as a high vibration is I think being honest with who we are, what we are, and learning to first shed the bullshit programming that we have taken on foolishly in our time here. Even if a million wise guys said it wasn’t good to do this or that….and if the strongest and most powerful parts of ourselves have been shamed in the process I say question what those wise guys say. There is so much activity around wanting to control our creativity, our energy, our inner power.

I am finding that this is getting easier as time goes by, and I think that this is so is because it is actually a natural capability. If I can do this anyone can. You have to reach within, something that many people doesn’t want to do for fear that it comes from a place where it is fabricated or made up. Getting past that and beginning to be open to the possibilities is one of the first steps. The feeling state, the energy body, is the means of receiving and sending these messages. The universe is energetic and so are we.

I wish you were here to share these with me. That will, though, have to wait for another time, maybe another life.

Someone asks about implants or entity attachments. Beyond this, you’ll need to read my book when it’s out.

So much said about these. My observation over years (40) of active energetic sensory perception is that we become vulnerable to energetic entities of every stripe, based on the emotional issues we carry. Read that again and let it sink in. Some can be akin to simple life forms all the way up to bipedal types (but still not all that intelligent). There is alot out there that isn’t physical that is entirely energy beings. Also, some beings are fragments of consciousness. It just takes enough energy focused in a particular way to create them. Homes often have them from their occupants. We call them ghosts, but I don’t think people understand what ghosts are in all truth (not completely…and that’s a post for another time).

Every single case I have seen, the entities attached due to a “trauma” or emotional wrinkle in the psyche of the person. This is always dependent on the person. What hits you wrong might not impact me…at all. This is to say that this is all because of you. Your choice in feeling led to this outcome. As hard as that may be to hear, its true. The good news is by doing your inner work, you can naturally clear these entities by clearing your backlog of emotional material. The other side to all of this is that there is no real protection in a universe as fluid as this. Vibration is everything. If you carry an off vibration somewhere in your field, it can be fair game.

Some have said drug use can cause it, but that isn’t correct. Most drug use stems from a condition of deficiency, a perception of deficiency, even if subconsciously. Something the drug supplies, that the emotion felt, robs the body of. The drug type doesn’t always track the emotion, but rather the personality type determines the drug used. I could experience the same trauma as another person but medicate with a different drug because I have a different constitution or turn of mind.

I have seen one entity daisy-chain with people. It does this because of the law of attraction. One person will attract certain people, and in that circle, many will be interesting to an entity because of the similarities between them. People do flock together.

If you use drugs of any kind, ask yourself what are you medicating? The true answer leads you right to the problem that needs your attention. Feel it, acknowledge it, and let it go, like a spirit leaving a bottle. By doing this, you engage in soul retrieval. Remember not to fall back into the habit of what the drug use represented. If you think that this is too hard, you might have become hypnotized into thinking this work is hard, and you might not be used to using the wisdom or intuitive part of yourself. That part knows where all your shit lies. It’s so easy, you will think, “That can’t be it…that was too easy…” That’s the brain washing. I can go deeper into how this is done, but this would be a chapter in a book.

There are ways to get at this material. Body work (deep tissue massage), energy work, chi gung, cranial sacral, acupressure/puncture, and TRE (trauma release exercise), holotropic breathwork, Rolfing (deep tissue again) are all ways that this material can be released. Kundalini and awakenings in general can often release this material also. You have to be very clear about whether you are ready to let it go.

People hold onto their stuff while swearing they are ready to let it go. Be humble. Be honest with yourself. Some things that feel great are in fact the illusion that a constriction in your field will make something energetic feel more intense and fool you into thinking it is “the bomb” or the thing, the person, the experience. You have to watch closely, honestly, and be able to see how inner feeling relates to how you respond to the things in your environment that are matching that unresolved issue. When it goes, the tight intensity goes and an expansiveness replaces it. It’s good to let it teach you how to be in this part of the new you.

I knew a person who had an entity attached to her. I described the being and she recognized it, saying, “He is my guide!” The being was a text book demon. Red skin. Horns. I was careful to confirm her description of the being. I offered that what I saw was a being just like Hellboy. She agreed that it did look just like him. In another case, I saw the entity which looked like a kind of dragon/dinosaur with terracotta colored skin, male. The person replied that this was her guide also. I had seen this being attached to a well-known psychic and it was attached to many of his female clients. When I offered to the woman that this was what I saw, she threatened me saying that this kind of talk was slander, and saying this could destroy the man’s ability to provide for himself. Stockholm Syndrome, anyone? I suspect both people still have their lower level entities still in place.

I chose not to remove them because I had done this once before and it made life difficult for me. I don’t regret it, I just know there are better ways (hint: it is an inside job). It is much better if the person can be made aware of what might be atrached to them so they can let them go.

I hope this primer helps. There is a lot of nuance I have missed, but posts can get long when I really dig in and I lose people. If you have questions, ask, and if you have experiences, do share! We swim in the ether. The nature of life is that we are made up of aggregates of consciousness. Our bodies are cells that have their own consciousness. Not all of this is bad or negative. The path to your higher evolution is in knowing what hinders you and what helps you.

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