I haven’t really known how to address my experience in regards to the feminine in today’s world because quite frankly, it is a mine field. I had said when Trump got into office that this personality was going to drive so much to the surface in our culture, that it would not be fun or enjoyable, but there would be some important truth there. I am speaking specifically at it concerns our history as men and women together on the planet and how women have been treated for a very long time. For women, culturally and behaviorally, living on the planet is a real mine field in many ways. As a man I have perhaps only one important perspective which is one gained by not being a woman and not having been subject to all of the influences that women have dealt with…which you might think would be enough reason for me to sit on my hands and just be quiet. After all, what could I know about it being a man, right? Except it is for the very reason that I am looking across the river at the world of the feminine that I see some things that I might not be able to see were I there living in the midst of it. If you are a woman reading this you can judge for yourself whether what I am going to say is of any value or not.

When I look at history as it relates to women, one thing that rises to the surface is how women are raised to be as an identity. A lot goes into it, and some of it is reflective of real feminine values. What I also see is that there are expectations placed on women from the very beginning of their lives that aren’t reflective of feminine nature and actually may run counter to its truer nature. When I see miss matches like this, I can’t help but want to point them out.

Purity

Have you noticed the difference between how women and men are treated when it comes to what I will call “purity”? It’s a real double standard that we apply to women but we don’t apply them to men. Why is that? This purity standard goes something like this: a women should save herself and remain chaste until she meets the man she is going to have children with. In ancient culture virginity was considered a prize for this very reason. But for men? Forget about it. For men, we know, they sow their wild oats, but for women it is important to remain untouched. This is one value that I think society has foisted onto women and I think that it does indeed originate with men exclusively. As men I think we need to really rethink what it is that drives our instincts and why we seem to want this. While it may stem from a man always wanting to know that he is the father of his children, it has some bad repercussions for women that winds up them denying a part of their own inner expression.

I think that this concern has been taken up by women as a value and it has driven them in a certain direction behaviorally that isn’t natural. What it does is it denies the natural sexual drive of women, driving it underground, pretending that it does not exist, or that it does exist but that it can only exist within certain contexts only. Suddenly femininity becomes a prize that is treated unnaturally and it leads to unrealistic behavior both in men and in women. Whenever something is taboo we tend to have a lot of exaggerated behavior that springs up around a it, and this isn’t a good thing. It stirs an exaggerated level of interest in males, too, and this hasn’t been a good thing in our history. The media has used this as a great way to sell a whole world of products, essentially commodifying female sexuality as a result. We all tend to dislike this, right? What is interesting or ironic is that female sexuality has become exaggerated in certain key ways. Blush is sold to express the blush of sexual readiness, the flush of blood to the face an other parts of the body as a potent signal of readiness for coitus. We don’t even think twice about it because all of these symbols or signs are now existing almost as unrecognized symbols for that which we cannot just say openly. It is a strange outcome to me, but it makes a lot of sense when you drive feminine sexual energy underground. No one continues this tradition more than women themselves, and so it has planted itself firmly in our culture as self perpetuating program. No one is innocent here, we all take part in the program. We can also undo it.

This value that has been placed on women is looking like it is in some way beginning to fall away, and the way it is falling away is interesting to me because in the places where it is most effective is where old values are being discarded, disregarded just as the way that we then respond to women and how women respond to the world and the societal pressures placed on them also change. For a very long time as a society, whether we are male or female, we have used a range of terms to keep women in line with this purity value, and the one term I can think of that best illustrates this is the word “slut.”

Slut-shaming, as it is called, to my mind, is nothing more than a control to keep women in line within a certain value set. It is entirely transactional and it goes something like this: “be good and stay in line and we will value you as a person, but step out of line and we will brand you a slut.” Most often we as humans use the specter of shame as a way of controlling behavior. On the one hand, this is how we teach our children to value some behavior over others, so it has some use when young. We can also go overboard with it, too, as in the case of how we treat women. The fear of being a slut is created as a way to govern behavior. The message is we wont accept you as part of our tribe if you wander from this tight set of expectations that we have for you. Fall in line or lose your place in your tribe.

Where this is being dismantled is where women take the term “slut” and accept it not as a reason to feel shame but a reason to feel proud. This has had some play in some areas of our culture today, and what I suspect is that this is one area where if you want rapid change, it is in changing, fundamentally, the meaning of the words that we use to control behavior. Behavior can be viral, it spreads. It is pretty amazing to me how certain stories as a child swept through our cultural awareness. I remember talking to a friend about rumors that we told as children in school that were similar rumors that had crept up far from our region. I don’t think that these emerged spontaneously, I suspect they spread through the culture, on the ground, so to speak, and they went far and wide. I think that behavior also does this. You can actually change behavior very quickly if enough people talk about it and begin to exhibit that different behavior and you can have a way to over come the shame element so often tied into societal behaviors. Change gets us rethinking our values. Accepting “slut” as a badge of courage turns the meaning of the word and all of its intended power on its head. Suddenly, it is no longer a scare word, but something different. It loses its charge for us as people in the culture.

I think the way the orthodoxy goes, we say these things to order behavior in a positive way because it keeps women from being promiscuous. The fear is that if women can’t be controlled this way by a word like “slut” then what is to keep them in line? I tend to feel that when our natural impulses are no longer artificially hemmed in that what results is a much healthier approach to that behavior. We fear it not because it can wreak havoc in the streets, we fear it because it is so powerful. Female energy is powerful. Women have been marginalized materially, politically, and spiritually in most of our major religions for a very long time. I think that we control women in this way because of a deep fear of the power of womanhood. It may go back to how women nurture and bring forth life, and this was too powerful a thing to let women be in control of too much, so to the degree that men could, they put in place ways to manage that power when they could. I am not suggesting that this was some conspiracy that men brewed up in tents in the middle east or wherever, but that it happened probably without too much conscious thought. Regardless of how it evolved (and I could be wrong—maybe a bunch of dudes did sit around and figure out a way to control women), we can change it. The people who seem to be changing this are women themselves, and this is one important lesson in how power has worked on the planet for a very long time, which is that if you want something to change you will have to be that agent of the change, no one is going to just give it to you, you have to demand it. For a very long time we in the U.S. had a Constitution and it granted equal rights to all People, and as the wives of the framers of that Constitution recognized, that did not include women. After generations of men showing little sign of putting their words into action, women began to agitate for the rights provided to them in that document. This led to the women’s suffrage movement. This was no small task: women chained themselves to the gates outside Washington D.C., they were arrested, harassed, and were subject to a lot of criticism. Here, “the power” of accepted societal norms was asserting itself to try and keep things as they were, but women kept pushing back. They kept pushing back until there was change. Now, women voting is no big deal. No one bats an eye when a woman votes. The same can be said for this whole managing of feminine power, and it can be changed in similar ways. In the case of a vote you use the system of government. In regards to behavior, you use your own behavior in front of your children, your community, and friends, to model this new mode of behavior. What you don’t do is you don’t play the victim. To play the victim is to not recognize the nature of power. You might not want to make change, but if you are upset with how things are and you do little to effect that change, then acting like you are a victim wont improve the situation. It is power through weakness and unfortunately people have found that they can get power this way, but this method never achieves the kinds of results that changing the modus operandi of the power structure does.

One outcome of this management of female power is how it has led to women denying their own natural behavior. I recently saw a video that dealt with the mismatch between what women say they want in a man and what they really want (according to a male observer). I think that women don’t always know what they want and are controlled by the society in which they live in subtle and over ways. Many of the things that this video points out has to do with the how women’s own sexual energy is triggered. The podcaster pointed out that women were expressing superficial things that the guest believed weren’t as important as the more important elements, he was saying that women were saying that the things that he believed actually drove women’s sexual interest the women saw or believed were superficial when in fact they weren’t. The host surmised that women weren’t being honest with themselves about this. These “superficial” likes also related more directly to sexual expression itself than the qualities that might help a relationship staying together ongoing. While they might be seen as superficial, they are actually probably very important when it comes to being honest with yourself about likes and dislikes. A woman might value a sense of humor or a man who listens to her and values what she says, but when it comes to being attracted to a man, other traits like a square jaw, height, and confidence ruled the day according to the host of the podcast. To be fair, both sets are equally important and for different reasons, but it is the fear of seeming superficial that women seem to respond to. The fallacy in this is that we assume that being sexual is somehow superficial or a weakness. Why do we think that? Why is it that we treat this with such disdain? Is it that we don’t know how to properly deal with it deep down? Are women afraid to own that yes, there is a “look” that does trigger them regardless of how self aware they think they are being. Do we fear that it will be stronger than our own will? Or is the fear of it only making our interest in it being driven to unnatural heights? Does it at the same time misdirect our attention from the sacred power that sexuality has for us as a species that we have erected so many rules to govern it? No doubt about it, the power to create new life needs to be taken seriously and with care because lives are at stake. That means casual sex could be seen as a no-no, but when we say “casual sex” don’t we mean sex in a committed relationship but still while using, say contraception so that conception does not happen except for when we are ready? Not that long ago many people thought that sex was for procreation only. I had a roommate from South Bend Indiana who said, “Why do women need to have an orgasm? Orgasm in women isn’t needed for conception.” Good old John, he was a “good Catholic” and just couldn’t wrap his head around it. I answered to him that she needs orgasm so she didn’t wind up wanting to burn the house down. He still didn’t quite get it, but I did give it a try.

I know that as a man one of the things I have noticed is how a woman will unclothe herself of the societal norms placed on her when she is sufficiently safe and in private. As those layers are removed as a result of the seductive nature of our own native sexuality, a core persona seems to emerge, and it has always been like witnessing glory to me. But then once over, everything gets packed back into its acceptable layers and hidden away as if it never existed. One major faux pax is to discuss what went on outside of that moment of exquisite honesty and self surrender. In one instance when I mentioned what one woman had said to me when we were intimate, she denied ever having said what it was she said. I knew I wasn’t imagining things, and later I found a piece of writing that she sent to me, probably one of the most honest and courageous pieces of writing I have seen in a long while where she was using precisely the same kinds of words. How was it that she was behaving like she was ashamed of her expression of what I took to be unbridled honesty? She not just denied it, but accused me of not caring about her for even suggesting that she had said such things. Ouch. It also cemented into my mind why it might not be a good idea to even be with this person because of how fundamentally dishonest she was either with me or with herself, or both. Why wouldn’t someone just admit to their feelings? This is the kind of outcome that results from what our society puts on women and which women respond to. Maybe women accept it because of how well it works on them. This is also the manual on how to dismantle this behavior if it is of any interest to you. You might think that you are liberated from these kinds of behaviors, but the best way to test them is to see how you feel when you publicly buck their power and then you will have your answer. I think most women follow these conventional behaviors without thinking much about them, it’s just how it is, why question them? Me, I am interested in change on the planet, and it seems that this is one good place to start.

The other side to this is having men who can accept a woman who does this and can reward her for doing so. We all seem to need encouragement, and it is not easy feeling like you are on the front lines. Some seem to be made for it, but others might not feel so bold. This means that in the men that they learn to see feminine power as a compliment to their own, not a threat to it. You see, men are incredibly power-driven through their masculinity, its true, but I think where we get it wrong is in thinking that men alone must be the strongest most powerful ones, hunt the flesh, kill the flesh, apex predator an all that, etc. Somewhere there is a place for the feminine in this that does not make it less, a level of cooperation that I think we are just now beginning to figure out. The challenge I think is summed up very well by my high school art teacher who said “Men and women aren’t equal, they are equivalent…” Those were very enlightened words. When women try to be powerful, men might feel like they are just trying to be masculine. No, they are being assertive, and the problem I think is that we have so hemmed in women over the ages that we have equated assertiveness as being associated with masculinity. This need not be, and I think as men we just need to learn to live with feminine assertiveness long enough to understand that it is not a threat to us. We have confused sexuality with psychology. We even see one hemisphere of the brain as “masculine” while the other is more “feminine” despite the fact that these traits are in both men and women because we both have brains with two hemispheres! No, those are not sexual traits.

I think that when behaviors that have been controlled for so long are threatened with deletion, we humans tend to feel a little lost and don’t know what to replace them with. I tend to be of the mind that we don’t need to replace them with anything because, to my mind, all of this behavior is a kind of white-wash our ancestors have handed down to us that doesn’t reflect our understanding of our energetic potential in consciousness from the get-go. Part of the problem that we have is that we aren’t actually dealing with authentic human behavior through all of the constructs that we have created as a society to control that behavior. I tend to feel that the fastest way to self realization is to move away from the shame and the controls just to be able to get a glimpse of human nature in the wild. And what is it? I think that it is much freer, more in touch with its creative potential, and more at home with the planet as a cooperative whole. I think life evolved to be this way so that it can thrive on this little blue ball in space. I also feel that it is critical to our survival to awaken to our truer nature because that truer nature knows itself as part of a larger whole. You don’t get that when you are constantly being shamed for your natural impulses, feeling divided from the herd or feeling separate.

What would happen if those horses were set free? Would they create chaos, or would they find a new equilibrium? I suspect the latter. I wont suggest that it will all be joy and light; it is a new state and we have to learn how to navigate it like you learn how to drive a car, for instance. I also don’t think it is the end of all control, but it could lead to a growing sense of not needing as much control of ourselves as we had previously thought. I suspect that it can also lead to a speeding up of our evolution on the planet. We very much need the apex species to be aware of how it is not the web of life but an integral strand in that web which has the power to also destroy that web if we don’t get more enlightened about our place in the order than we seem to have right now. Earth to human: everything is connected. Time to get with the program.

I sense that as shame falls away, power increases. Isn’t inducing shame similar to crimping a garden hose? More bliss, more joy, and a greater sense of unity could emerge I think. When we limit behavior we make it so we crave it more. What happens when that hose is allowed to just flow naturally?

I think the fear is that this will just drive men crazy somehow. Men have ben known for not being able to keep their own desire in check, so wouldn’t this just lead to chaos? I suspect, and I might be wrong, that as women come forward out of the control, that their own qualities that are native to them will themselves have a regulating influence on men Assertive women will themselves remind men that they aren’t the only ones with power in the room. Will men respond with resentment? I think that is possible. Men who feel like their power is being taken away can respond in violent ways, absolutely. That said, men are just as affected as women are in self regulating behaviors, too (they are just of a different kind but every bit as troubling and difficult). That is a potent regulatory force for men I think. As a man nothing is more self regulatory than being aware of the full range of what women possess. It’s true, at least for this man. There is less yearning when something isn’t hard to get or hidden beneath layers of behavioral modification. The thrill of the hunt is simply taken away because the mystique has been dissolved. How about that as a self regulatory model in society? It is well known what “playing hard to get” does to men. It makes them try harder. Well? The elephant is in the room. Maybe there is a better way. I am not suggesting that everything I am saying here is entirely on the mark. The problem with all of this is we wont know unless we try. Will it upend male attraction to women? Will it upend female attraction to men? What happens when men themselves are no longer constrained in the ways that society controls them as well? You see, men are told that they cannot have any real connection to their feelings, that crying over seeing a puppy is being weak and not masculine. Is it any mystery why men are such rage monsters in our societies? We have a few things really off and maybe it is time to just let those behaviors fall away, and then not care whether we are attractive to the opposite sex if we don’t present with those time-honored behaviors that now act as the triggers for our deeper sexual drives. It might just be that the triggers have been the problem all along. Well, that’s how it looks to me right now, and thanks for reading…