This is the next interview in a series that I have been conducting with individuals who have had kundalini awakenings. I have a battery of questions, all the same, to hopefully form a baseline for understanding awakening. While the questions are the same, what makes these interviews so interesting are the variety of responses provided for the same set of queries. In some cases, there is overlap from one interview to the other while also having divergence from one another. All of this is a rich bed of observation that I hope will help others in their own awakening experience, as well as to inform those who are interested in the topic but who may not have had experience with this “cosmic light switch” yet.
My thanks to Kayla and all of the others who have chosen to participate. Each interview is given its own page on the blog so it is readily accessible at the top of the blog when you visit directly at https://wakingtheinfinite.wordpress.com
Additionally, I would like to invite anyone who is interested in telling their story to contact me and I will happily include your answers along the growing list of participants. You can be anonymous if you prefer, but in every case each interview is with a real honest to goodness person. So far I have had two people from the U.S., two from the U.K. and another from an E.U. member state.
My hope is that the questions serve as a way to organize discussion but hopefully can be open-ended enough for you to have your say. In some cases, answers can prompt a few more questions from me, but I try to keep those limited. In addition, you are welcome to include links to websites or blogs that you are involved with so others can read or interact with you. My sincere desire with this is to spread the word and increase our knowledge base at a fascinating time in our history when awakenings are on the rise. You may contact me at info@staffordartglass.com.
With that, the interview follows.
- What was your spiritual background before awakening?
In retrospective, I acknowledge that I had an affinity and sense for supernatural things since early childhood. Around the age of three, I once woke up from a nap and a “ghost” or other dimensional being was standing very close to me and stared at me. Due to my infantile innocence, I was not scared of this being and so I tried to touch it. It was then that this creature freaked out and hissed at me before vanishing into thin air. I could also see colourful landscapes when lying in the dark. I experienced them so vividly that I was even scared to get up due to my fear of stumbling over roots and plants.
Growing up and getting conditioned made me lose these senses… but I was always drawn to religious/spiritual themes, I used to pray every evening.
2. Do you know if you did anything to trigger your awakening?
Oh yes, I did. But with no intention other than to finally know the truth of our existence. I had a time were I was obsessed with reading through any material known handling ancient occult/esoteric knowledge. I guess the kick off for that was when I started a two-year education in screenwriting. My chosen topic for my script: A story about a person with multiple personality disorder. As multiple personality disorder is often associated with ritual abuse, research led me to themes like occultism, mind control etc. etc. etc.
From there on, I was madly driven by the question of what is going on on our planet behind the scenes, what is kept hidden from us and why?! What is the meaning of life? For a long period, this sent me down deep and endlessly deeper down the rabbit hole. It was dark there… it freaked me out what I was digging up… Too much darkness, so many secrets… until I realized that were there is so much darkness, there also has to be the same amount of light. This did not make me stop to look for the answers but at least I was turning to the light, to the hopeful view of all these secrets.
Simultaneously learning a lot in education: Parallels of Spirituality and telling a good story became obvious. It is all about the journey, the losing yourself, nearly dying, the coming back as a different person… when you understand the covered longing of mankind it is then when you are able to tell stories that hit that deep spot and therefore move someone’s heart.
3. What was your initial awakening experience like?
I divide my Awakening into two. First, there was a conscious awakening. It was at my lowest point, still in the middle of my relentless quest for truth. It was then that I had a spiritual awakening – a psychiatrist would label it as a psychotic episode but I now know better. I was aware that my awareness shifted and which part of the experience is kind of delusional. But what I came to realize in this very moment was that if I want to keep a sane mind, I have to let go of all the fear!!!! Or better said: It “made” me get rid of a lot of long held, deeply rooted, universal fears in just one instant. From there on, I was a different “me”. The rug had been pulled under my feet and I was falling. Falling, until I was not scared anymore of falling.
At a certain point, I kind of hit a dead end with gathering “outside” knowledge. Time and again, I read the firm advice of experienced people that you have to turn inside as you will not find your answers in the outside. Numbed down, I surrendered and had to try the only way I haven’t pursued so far: started to meditate in December 2016. Expanding duration to up to 4 hours a day as I enjoyed it more and more.
From there on, slowly the other Awakening started to show its signs. Initially, I was having some kind of a rumbling experience in my pelvis and lower back area. Something, one could be freaked out about, but I felt intuitively that this is a good sign.
Following: sudden idea of attending Yoga Teacher Training. Waiting list – somebody cancelled – I am in.
With TT starting in April 2017, speeding up of process to the point where I had this intense experience in a class:
Our teacher was reading a Buddhist text to us when I felt the strong urge to just shut my eyes and listen quietly. Then, like out of the blue, the inner layer of my lower belly area seemed to loosen grip to the gross body, became very light and kind of swirled up to my head.
I became incredibly light and the energy went out my crown… but leaving me with fast thoughts about what now… Should I just let it happen – but how will I react in the middle of the class?!? I thought about quickly leaving the room, locking me up in the bathroom in order to let it play out… but that wasn’t a very intelligent option either, of course.
So, I forced myself to open the eyes, pulling the energy back down as good as I could… and then, right after that intense moment, we chanted an OM all together and the sound vibrated literally through my body. It was not separate from me anymore…
As the energy stayed very high that whole day, I felt like just getting through the day and then sit down quietly in the evening and let it finally happen. As high as the energy was, I thought that would be easy. But, of course, when I tried in the evening, nothing happened.
(Maybe… that was luck. As I then had the chance to do it more slowly and more in control.)
The next nearly two weeks were very intense, especially, because I felt a bit like those superheroes in the movies – but the worrying part: I just did not know how to manage these high energies! I literally worried, that when in public and being involved in a slightly emotional encounter yet, my energies could just burst out of my body uncontrollably.
What strikes me the most about all of this: Even though I was obsessed with Spiritual topics for nearly two years, I never stumbled over the term Kundalini before experiencing it myself. Considering the vast amount of literature I digested and how prominent this topic in the Spiritual community is… this is quite surprising.
Further symptoms during that time which had positive and negative aspects, not always possible to match it to one or the other:
– Feeling very light, all the energy wanted to constantly go up. Even my hair was kind of fluffy like when electrically charged. Gave a nice feeling of lightness and inconvenient things like pain in the body were just gone. But it made me also feel very unstable, like a wind could just blow me away.
– Senses like hearing and smelling incredibly heightened.
– Concrete experience of the magnetic vortexes in the body and how energy moves around them, tightening, loosening the grip in constant change.
– When laying on the floor, able to somehow melt into the ground.
– Involuntary body movements, especially in the neck which helped me to lose tension as energy could find its way through.
– Sudden insights like: It is all there to wake us up! A beautiful piece of music, enjoying art, that moving moment in a film, an honest hug… if only we were able to surrender to what is beautiful. It would not have to be the hard way… suffering only creeps in because we better surrender when hitting rock bottom… Seems as it has its purpose… If we cry when we are hurt then when we see beauty – so be it. Time takes its toll on that and every hardening makes it more difficult to find that soft spot of the surrender.
– Sensing other people much more, seeing misalignments in the body very clear.
– A glass and even a knife broke after holding them in my hands and putting them aside.
– Realizing, that when not having the knowledge about these energies, it can be quite dangerous. Nighttime worried me especially because I had even less control over what is happening there.
After two weeks, finally addressed the issue to my Yoga teacher. His advice and the assurance of somebody taking me serious in that crucial moment, helped me to slowly ground again.
Two weeks later, I was kind of stable but the fast way into meditation was laid and stayed with me.
Since that incident, lots of things and work going on in different layers of the body/mind followed but sometimes, it is a lot to take and it is a constant tearing between the feelings.
– The strong movements of the energy can make you crazy but when silent, I miss “her”…
– Character changes come like gifts but on the other hand, demand a lot of work which means: I have to do it now or I pay with enormous tensions. Have to sit down. Have to do the work.
– Knowing, just knowing what to do. Not being afraid of certain things happening. Things that in a “normal” state would have freaked me out. On the other hand, feeling utter despair for always having to know on my own.
– Much more able to just trust and let things happen, evolve, develop in time while on the other hand being much more upset about things that are out of my influence and therefore the “me” being forced to accept it.
– Losing the grip of the ego more and more while standing clearly in the “I“. No longer having patience for attacks of any level of severity against me that have nothing to do with me.
– Accepting other people in their way of being while when sensing it is coming from an egoic state of mind, not having lots of nerves for dealing with petty problems and/or eg. resistance to make changes that would help getting better.
– Days like at work, sitting without movement for a long time, can create lots of tensions and a kind of nausea-feeling like when I was pregnant. Need for rest while need for lots of movement, stretching, bending.
– Sleeping hours very uncertain: Lots of sweating during nighttime, vivid dreaming, not being able to sleep more than 5 – 6 hours but feeling very tired in the early afternoon.
– Heightened senses come back slowly, this time more gradually. Even sounds traveling through the spine came back. Strong ones like thunder and – if I desire, I can draw certain music inwards.
– Thunder seems kind of “there“ anyway. Sometimes hearing thunder-like sounds, feeling energy exiting my body like thunder into the ground.How has your awakening progressed?
4. What year did awakening come for you?
My Kundalini awoke in 2016, so it’s been 4 years now. Progression is ongoing and unfolding in circles. Every time I thought that NOW! This is it! I had to realize that I am still nowhere…
So, for me, I had to learn to accept that this process is above all a humbling one. And one that will go on for as long as I live. Right now, I am at a point where letting go and having to realize that I can’t force anything and that I still hold myself back with illusions of wanting to achieve something and arrive somewhere with all of that.
Letting go of control… coming into trust… my ego still being squeezed by life, by experiences and by felt physical symptoms of that same holding on to control, not being able to fully soften into trust even though my rational mind knows now without a doubt that this is all I would have to do… but being conscious of something and really living it are two different things and the experience of the Kundalini energy does not allow me to fool myself. She knows and she shows.
5. What do you feel kundalini/awakening is in your experience?
I actually realized quite early on in the process that this must be something rather “normal”. Not normal in a sense of common (yet) but it seems to me that I just entered a process that every human soul will eventually experience. I seem to take part in an early cycle but numbers of people experiencing an Awakening are on the rise and so for me, this is just an evolutionary process we happen to not know a lot about yet.
Why should the modern human be the end product of an evolutionary process that is ongoing since millions of years? We are not cave men anymore, we changed! And so we will also in the future. Common sense when considering even scientifically, no?
6. Did you have challenges with the energy? And if so, what did you do that helped you get through those periods of difficulty? Or, has it always been easy?
Numerous! Especially, because the energy gathered much more on the right side of my body. Sometimes, the energy feels very pushy and this can make me feel uncomfortable, even in pain and restless. But I learn a lot through that and by pushing me with physical symptoms, she urges me to get relief by working on these blockages shown in the body by examining my blockages and long held fears or doubts in my mind and soul.
Slowly and now over these four years, I start to understand how the energy moves and what I can do to bring more harmony into the flow. But this learning process also goes in circles and cycles, with plateaus where I get back to the feeling of just suffering in this journey.
Then, breakthroughs happen and I trust in this “happening” again. Despite these physical challenges, I would not treat this experience against anything else. Thanks to it, I have been given my answer to my most urgent question: There is more than our common senses can grasp and there is more meaning to our lives than what most of us are living out right now. And to ask for truths intensely will be met with answers…
7. What do you think makes the experience easy or difficult?
In short:
Letting go and trusting and letting it humble you vs. trying to be in the driver seat and doubting and believing, this experience has only to do with you.
8. How has the experience impacted or changed your life?
Hmmm… in so so many ways. My awareness and how I see reality, of course, changed completely. And there is not a lot anymore that can freak me out. My ego structure changed completely in the way that I like myself now so much more since I know that I am not very important. It is all not that “loaded” anymore which enables me to stay calm in very uncertain and chaotic situations.
Two years ago, all of this had been tested when I was confronted with a life changing decision: Two cousins of my kids were thrown into a horrible situation because they were living in Columbia with their parents when finally, their father ended up in jail and the mother was being found in the streets, unstable because of years of alcohol and drug abuse. Without my Awakening, doubts might have kicked in strong enough about whether this is a good idea for me, as an already single mom to two boys, to take these two kids to Switzerland so that they can live with us. In my new “me”, doubts were just bypassing without the slightest chance to get a grip on me. I did what was best for those two kids and I did not have to regret my decision for one second.
9. Did you employ, or do you employ now, traditional meditation practices, and if so, how have they been helpful to you? If nontraditional, could you describe them?
I still practice Yoga regularly and teach Yoga lessons twice a week. But what I need the most is to lay down, get into a meditative state and just be with the energy. Sensing how she moves, “getting” her and letting her bring up themes I have to work through mentally and emotionally.
It is nearly an addiction. Every free second, I lie down and do and enjoy that work and that can mean hours of lying somewhere a day : ) But, hey! I can not hide like a hermit somewhere in the mountains and let it work through me for a couple of years and then come back perfectly balanced out. I have to include this in a normal, modern and Western lifestyle as a single mom with four teenage kids.
10. What do you think is happening with the large number of awakenings taking place today? Why do you think this is happening?
As I mentioned before, my feeling is that this is just a normal evolutionary process which started out slowly but is gaining momentum. For the “early ones”, this means that it is somehow a rough ride because of two reasons:
You can not tell people about this intense experience happening to you due to the very reasonable fear that they will think that you went totally bunkers. And secondly, because we are still Kindergarteners in this process, therefore, the impact – physically and mentally – can be very strong. It is my hope that as soon as enough work has been done and the Collective Awareness can catch up, it will get easier for generations to come.
But that is also why it is my intent to raise more awareness about what is going on. That is why I start sharing my story more often and I am as open about it as I can be. People need to understand that this can happen to anyone! It is not exclusive for “saints”, the hermits and well-behaved ones who live a god-fearing life. It can happen to a normal woman like me.
One that, even to this day, is still smoking too much and likes to drink alcohol and enjoying a night out. One, that still has her biases, her self-doubts and her skepticism, confusion and disagreements with god/the Universe. The only thing this woman did was to ask for the truth in a very vigorous way…
11. Where do you feel that this all leads you, and all of us, to?
I am not going to pretend like I would know the answer to this question. I just feel it in my heart and soul that it is leading us all to something more true. And truth does not hurt. Illusions do.
The development of man is hitting a dead end due to it’s destructive base, so it might seem… But the longing for growth, reaching goals and “be” someone while on this plane was an intended driving force for all of us since the beginning of time.
However, for a long time, we were trying to fulfill these needs way-off the intention and we now find us in a point of time were we already nearly destroyed our planet completely.
But only, because we tried to fulfill these inner needs by wrong terms: By getting it from the outside world. Now, an other force seems to come rushing in and pushing individuals to wake up, halt and make an imperative return to what it was initially meant to accomplish: The growth from the inside out. As more and more individuals are being thrown into this experience, the Collective has to and will follow.
Outside time, the plan is that it will be for the good of all of us – this is my feeling that this is what is being meant. Or maybe, it is already all good outside time but on our plane, we do not have the awareness of this fact yet. Either way, here, in felt time, it stays our choice of how long it is going to take for us to get it. To not miss the mark anymore…
Waking The Infinite 