Archives for the month of: March, 2020
Beach scene on Oahu Hawaii

Beach on Oahu

Have you ever been to a place, felt a shudder,or had an emotion move through you that made you feel as thought maybe there was something special about the place, or that maybe you had been there before? Have you ever found yourself reaching into that feeling and finding yourself tumbling down the rabbit hole? Have you had that deja vu moment, a sense you have been there before?

Waikiki, Hawai

I recently had an experience on the island of Maui that shook some of the things I thought I understood about myself and the origin of experiences I had as a very young boy. I wound up seeing things that I had seen in visions and out of body experiences some 50 years ago that were now on the island of Maui in the Hawaiian island chain. Was an old circle being completed?

I had gone to these islands as a result of an invitation from a friend who had a timeshare on the island. It was my birthday and my good friend wanted to help me celebrate. I had been planning on beginning to visit locations such as Hawaii in order to get photo documentation of fish for a sculpture project that has been in the works, possibly a new business, I have had in the works. I just didn’t think I would be able to go so soon.

While we were there, my friend suggested we go to the other islands. I had read about the snorkling in Maui and I knew I wanted to go there to film and photograph fish. When my friend mentioned Kaua’i I said that island felt too emotional for me, I didn’t know why. I went first to Maui after landing in Oahu.

It turned out that Kaua’i was the calm one and Maui was the emotional one. I hustled over to Maui to get the opportunity to shoot some fish and I was not ten miles from the airport when I began to get waves of emotion along with a growing perception of a man, another version of me, who had lived there some time in the past.

In what wound up being a very quick and efficient clearing of past material within me, I found myself cleansing not only a past life but my life as well of the particular quality of stuck energy that this self had in him. And boy was this guy stuck! He was like a rock. He must have been in some leadership role because of how monolithic he felt. Maybe not, but goodness sakes, he sure did dig a hole for himself!

Years before this experience the same friend who invited me here had been telling me about Ho’oponopono. This is a pretty amazing healing modality based on the concept of radical forgiveness of self by asking forgiveness from the universe while knowing simultaneously that we make up a part of the universe energetically and physically. I had not been able to use this method in all the years of having known about it, though. I sensed I just wasn’t there yet with Ho’oponopono. I knew I had to be in the right “space” in order to be in the grace necessary for it to work for me.

This was the breakthrough moment for me. I already was aware of a life as a Polynesian a number of years ago, I just…..couldn’t connect into Ho’oponopono like I felt like I should. I needed this moment to reach that place. So much of this isn’t mental, rational, head or book learning. It is more about a capacity to feel, to include, to encompass, to wake up to. It sounds grandiose, it really isn’t. This isn’t a problem we solve, it is something we let go in order to feel or focus on what lies hidden behind the stuff we are dropping or letting go. Big difference.

As I drove, I was being coaxed to do something. I was feeling this aspect of myself, unsure if it was me or a past self, or a bit of both, being pulked into something. I don’t always know what is about to happen, so I go into witness mode and observe. As I felt this personality my inner guidance kicked in. It said,

You are the doctor. You chose this time to heal all the other parts of you. You can do this now by filling this man with what you have. Help him, help yourself.

That was what it was telling me. I felt how closed he was. I felt him lying on the beach at night in the firelight, listening to the waves, and watching the flickering firelight and feeling like shit. He was so stuck. I had a little “Wait…what?” happening. Do you know what I mean?

Okay, here is a little more of my thought process, ” You are lying in a hammock under the stars, listening to the waves on the sexiest beach on earth, the fire feels fantastic, and you are feeling like shit?! Are you kidding me?”

That boi. He must have been raised the wrong way. Maybe he raised himself the wrong way. Maybe he felt a man has to be hard, strong, unmovable, unemotional, ya think? Basically these are all the things we teach boys to do that we later decry as “toxic masculinity.” Is it any wonder?? Poor guy. Living in paradise and suffering in hell.

So he had no way out. I, however, had a way in, and I was NOT stuck at all, not in the way he was. Okay, I could feel his stuckness in me, but I had enough mobility to slip into his moment there on the beach. I hated how he felt, but boy did I enjoy lying there with him next to that fire listening to those waves! Okay, about three seconds worth, but I had to soak that in! Time to work, to invoke an extra juicy form of grace…

I could feel something in me sinking down into him. Me, sinking into another version of me. I was like a germ that his spiritual immune system had no defense for. In this case, what I am doing is “infecting” his pride and rigidity emotionally. I was able to feel the fluidity, the forgiveness, the softer more mobile form of consciousness and adapted it to him. I infected him with me. I could do this because he was another me.

“Wait. You said this was about forgiveness! Right? This doesn’t sound like forgiveness, not really.”

If you have felt what happens during a radical form of self-forgiveness, you might have caught how forgiveness involves a giving, which is much like giving something away which then leaves an empty space where something else can then fill it, something from the true foundation of you, that kind of substratum where the soul is accessible. In this case, what fills the empty space is a ressonant field that is at once your awareness and the energy of the universe. The hard feeling is given up as this healing feeling is given on my end to the man on that island. A pure moment of being able to feel, and in feeling just a bit more, that sense just obliterates that stuckness. What an angry kind of guy. He’d be a 60’s biker in So Cal and he’d be no one to mess with. So fuck that, right? I’m pretty sure all the yogi’s and yogini’s secretly want to say that very thing, but aren’t allowed to because, well….fuck.


I am driving on my way to a special bay known for turtles. As I drove, tears in my eyes, I feel like I really want to clear this spot out as much as I can. I realize that as this is all happening, I am sinking myself into that same space necessary for me to “get” Ho’oponopono. Yes, there is this deep humility and reverence needed for me. I need that reverence, I don’t know about anyone else. I realize that the way to create the circuitry necessary for this to work in my own consciousness, I seem to need reverence. In that moment I could feel my mind reaching out into that vibrant field that is the All and it was responding. “I am sorry. Forgive me. I love you. Thank-you!” I just hadn’t been able to do Ho’oponopono before, not effectively. Not until this very moment. The capacity filled me, bloomed, or emerged in me at that moment. I’m not sure exactly how it happened, or by what route, only that it did. Something clicked, which is how all of these hundreds of healings have happened over the last decade and some change…

All of this went so quickly, so smoothly. I think that is how these events go for me, so quick, so efficient. I make a turn in mind and it is like the ju-ju grabs hold. I really mean it. I think it is a hallmark of the higher self being given space to work. This only seems to work, for me, through surrendering my control. Then, as those parts of the brain are shut down, nonlocal consciousness can step forward. Thank-you small self for letting in the larger.

The juju was starting as I was boarding the plane to go over from Oahu before I had even departed to go to Maui. I kept seeing these Polynesians in the airport. I hadn’t sern them like this before. They only spoke Hawaiian. They were older, people who looked like I looked in that lifetime, except I hadn’t had the experience yet. It is easy to second-guess myself in this moments. Maybe I was just taking the visual material around me and crrtating a fanciful narrative. Thing is, it is always the other way around. I am seeing these things because an event of importance is about to take place. How I felt. Maybe not so stuck. I kept running into them, hearing their soft language slipping into that place within me that has that powerfully charged sense, the emotion, like where volcanos always start, in a blistering moment that leads to creation. Strong raw creative. Better be careful. Respect that force in nature, maybe in you, too.

The energy I am moving clears out that spot in the man. This feels like a warp in time. Did I just go back in time and fix this guy? It feels and looks like a warp. Did I create a new time line? Or, by intervening, did I alter his own actions in his own timeline. If that is so, I did what time travelers aren’t supposed to do without generation new timelines or time branches. Changing his line alters mine and it by extension altered his physical line in an ancestral way. His great great great grandchildren are different now, but in a small way. A small burden is lifted, however inconsequential. Ripples spread outward. I have waited my whole life for this moment to arrive at this time. I catalyze it by being ready for it. Only then do I have the means to reach back through time. Let me emphasize, this is fundamentally different from most every release or cleansing that has taken place thus far.

I feel like I sank into him by way of using this location, Maui, as the means of connecting in to this man’s life. As this began to happen, I could feel him feeling me moving into him. It felt like a moment of inspiration where something of himself, maybe a more developed self, a future self, was present and was there with a heart full of love-no judgment at all. Here is that liberation you were looking for my brother…

The fire crackled, the waves crashed in the moonlight, and his eyes filled with tears as this simple thing happened. With no effort on his part, this burdened mind softens, shifts, and is relieved. No rituals, no method, no bullshit.

He looks up into the night sky and he says something, a thank you to ancestors or a god or goddess. I don’t know. What I do get is his intent. I understand that about as clearly as a maidenst knowing smile.

Copyright, the author

I was still only halfway to my first stop. I relaxed and sank into the trip. Once I reach the first bay, surrounded by black volcanic rock, I see almost no fish, but lots of really nice coral. For over an hour, things were kind of….meh. I began to make my way back when I get up in shallow water near the rocks and suddenly come across a moray eel, it feels like a sign. I get on the rocks, and as I sit there a turtle comes right up to me. Very well; I will follow you, miss turtle. I get some pretty good photos. I head to shore and while standing in thigh-deep water a turtle comes right next to me. So I just follow along and am able to get a series of excellent photos for my work. Right after, it begins to rain. Perfect. Everything on this day trip is happening like clock work. I feel this voice that says what to do next. It is halfway my wish mixed with this “Okay, you need to move on to the next step for the next event to happen.” If I had gone too quickly or too slowly the things that happened would not have happened as they did. That is, the last part, which is what makes this post so long.

Photo Copyright, Author

It is lunch and I drive to the next location. Again, great snorkling, and I am able to get scores of excellent photos of fish for the project. I think how nice it would be to be on the island and make work for galleries on the islands. How nice would that be, right? Everything is beautiful, and everyone just seems to be enjoying themselves so much.

And Then Things Get A Little Weird…

Once I am done, I realize I need to get on the road so I can make my flight back to Oahu. I am going to go back in a direction I hadn’t been through before. As I drive, I am going out into the most rural parts of the island. I come across these cliffs that look so similar to cliffs I had seen in an out of body experience as a child. The color of the earth was surprisingly similar to the cliffs I saw as a child. It is looking like a match. It’s been 50 years but the color of those cliffs in my experience as a child look for the life of me to be right here along the road on Maui. These were the cliffs I saw over and over in my oobe as a child.

I feel a little nuts, questioning whether this is a thing or not. “It’s just really similar” says that part of me. But I know if its for real, synchonicity will squash that part of me, leaving no doubt. The thing to appreciate is I hadn’t seen a cliff face that looked like that cliff face from my childhood until this moment. Not only this, but the cliff face could have been completely missed had it not been for the rain which caused me to go a different way. I couldn’t see these cliffs headed in the direction I was going originally. I had to turn around to see them.

I keep driving and wind up on a single-lane road. It is raining harder and harder. I get to a bridge that has close to two feet of water rushing over it. I turn around and go back after I stop and walk across the bridge to test depth and flow speed. Yep, no safe way to cross, not in that little car of mine. But here is the weird part: only by going back in the other direction do I see a cliff face that is eerily identical to what I saw as a child. Only by going in the opposite direction. By doubling back, I was concerned about making my flight on time. I do make my flight and I get to my gate just as boarding began.

So what is the deal with this early childhood experience?

I have written about this before.

At the age of about four, I began having a series of identical experiences that would take place while I was awake. I might be outside playing and I would get this feeling that would come over me. I would feel incredibly heavy but incredibly light all at the same time. I realized my body felt incredibly dense as a new awareness cane on line and….cleaved itself from my body. I later learned that I was experiencing sleep paralysis except I wasn’t asleep.

I would go to this location that for the life of me looked like a giant cliff face. This cliff face had these striations in it that put my young mind in mind of pot roast. Yes, funny, I know, but this cliff face didn’t look like anything I had seen before. I had nothing to compare it to. It was this deep iron red. It looked like flesh. I thought of it as part of the flesh world. The carnal (meat) world.

At the same time, I also would see these forms which looked a lot like dandelion fluff floating down from the top of the cliff face. They would float downward, all so very much like Mary Poppins. I understood I was witnessing the souls of people who were going into the bodies of babies. Just floating down into matter, into our world.

I knew that souls entered bodies like this. It wasn’t a big mystery. It wouldn’t be until several years later that anyone would say anything to me remotely similar about spirit in flesh. These episodes would just happen. Each one was the same. I had a handful of them before the phenomenon stopped, emerging years later as real dreams in another level of consciousness, helping people who had died to cross over completely to that nonphysical world, effectively returning from whence they came. In a way, I guess I got to see both sides of the cycle complete. Here I am, all these years later having spent the better part of my time here now thinking about the next big adventure that is beyond this one life.

What’s next is the interesting bit. I am telling my friend about all of this and she explains to me that in the Polynesian mythos there are locations on the island where this very thing actually happens, and it happens from the top of a mountain where souls come down into our reality, our world. The story sounds like a creation story. But inside of it lies the shadow, too. Well now, given what took place on Maui as well as Oahu and Kaua’i, I am finding myself reconfiguring my past a bit to allow for the possibility that this idea has its origins in that other life. Was I experiencing the living myth of creation using my knowledge about the Polynesian tradition as a frame for that OOBE?

I had always thought that my “location” was a nonphysical one, more like a visionary image. Instead, through a series of unlikely events, it appears as if I am being confronted with this that is connecting me to those islands by way of an actual location that looks exactly like the location in my OOBE from 50 years prior. In addition, I find myself in an encounter with a self from the past needing help from me, something that has at the same time made instant change in me as well.

Turtle on Maui, photo by the author

I think what I want to get across with this experience is to follow your instincts. I was going to go to Kaua’i first, but I kept going back to Maui in my mind. I ultimately went alone to the island, something that probably opened the door for these events to happen just as they did. With additional people, we could have wound up somewhere else, or I may not have been quiet enough inwardly to feel this building pressure inside. I might have pushed it away or tried to ignore it.

Sometimes when things seem like they are going wrong, it may mean they are just getting underway the right way. By holding a state of surrender, it is easier to reach the state necessary for processing these things with awareness. I say all of this to show you what can he done, to take heart, to turn your own corner over and over. It gets better and better, I promise.

So that is the crazy long story, a caution for others that you too might have one of these waiting for you. The result I notive most is my root energy feels strongee. My creative energy is flowing very strongly as my sexual eneegy has also increased. What is interesting is how this isn’t leading to any obsession or overt attachment. Being a tantric at heart, I don’t see these things as a problem, only how we respond or relate to what is. That is my postmortem on the experience. If you have thoughts, I would love to hear them.

Mahalo!

~Parker

I see people who write about “forecasts” for energy and development within “the collective.” While I have been able to read energy of people and locations long before awakening came along, I have tended to feel like these “collective ideas” have generally missed the mark for the simple fact (most likely) that they are describing their experience instead of actually reading the collective. I say this because if the assessments made are to be correct, then the writing would apply to me since I am part of that collective. Most often these do not apply to me at all and seem much more likely to be one person describing their present state of development and wanting it to apply to the rest of us so the label is put on it and off we go.

I contend that observable phenomenon is of vast importance when it comes to knowing whether one is accurate or not. I spent a year comparing my energy perceptions with another seer when I first began seeing auras in 1984. Many hundreds of times I would have my friend to read someone’s aura that I had already read to make sure that what we were seeing was “of a piece.” In 99% of all attempts, this was entirely accurate, which gave me a reasonable assurance that my inner senses weren’t just making it all up. This process was done in a blind fashion in order that the control did not know what my results had been moments before.

My instinct to do this has been born out over decades and has helped me to inderstand a phenomenon that can elude most researchers and casual observers. I have seen instances in my own experience where a person I once knew claimed to know what was going on with me and went on to describe vivid recollections and experiences which she was utterly convinced were dead-on accurate, citing the aphorism “energy doesn’t lie.” The only problem was the information she told me she knew about me was in some instances 100% inaccurate. I say “in some cases ” because there were some isolated instances where she got closer to the truth, but even then it was off by a significant amount. When I scanned what she was doing I got that she was not sufficiently clear of her own inner junk to be a clear enough chanbel through which to see the insides of things. This work takes lifetimes, and the number of truly gifted psychics is an illustration of just how few attain this on the earthly plane. Most, I suspect, attain this after leaving the cycle of reincarnation.

I have a friend who is one of these “clear windows” who realky can see things clearly without distorting the data. In this case, I have had hundreds of instances of being able to show how this psychic can literally pluck information out of the air accurately and consistently. And? When I scan her everytime I get this awareness of the sheer amount of time she has dedicated to honing her skills into “gifts” which appear to me as having emerged over many lifetimes. Her lifetime now is a remarkable example of how she has chosen to come in with little to no filters in place.

For myself, it has been helpful to see the contrast in these two people. Both do healing work, but in one case my friend works miracles on a daily basis for people. In the case of my misinterpreting friend, there is more evidence of turbulence, attracting clients with the same remaining issues that she has yet to resolve. One is clear, and one is not. One is at one end of the spectrum from the other. One is lijely just stepping into the waters of awareness whild the other gas been at it much longer. Through it all, being able to apply their perceptions to repeatable testing is important if we are ever to treat this as a valud field of experience. It also means sifting out the BS. In this case, it’s not enough to want to do it, you have to be able to do it without letting your own blinders get in the way. I for one have seen how easy it is for others to do this, so when I can have a way to gather independent information about the target I am reading, that is helpful (but only after doing it in as blind a fashion as as possible).

I have considered that what we call “the collective” may in fact be a relatively small group of people. Yes, you may be tapping into a group, but it may not be that big of a group you are tapping into. It helps to observe, search, and do some real world science. This might be hard to do in some cases, but I have found that if you need it bad enough, the data will come. It can even fall into your lap quite unexpectedly.

I have been traveling recently in my work, which took me to the Hawaiian islands of Oahu, Maui, and Kaua’i. Being there resulted in some very interesting outcomes in terms of getting in tpuch with a life I had on one of the islands as a very emotionally stuck man.

A loggerhead turtle swims ahead of view in the water in Maui Hawaii

Photo copyright by author

While there, I had the chance to read the energy on these unique islands. I found that there were correlations between the people and the land itself, which should surprise no one.

What was interesting was how the level of angst was pretty low. Again, we could all guess that. It’s interesting because you might expect it to be low, but not necessarily. On an island that is relatively small, concern could actually be much higher if you had a situation where you had flights from countries that had active outbreaks of this corona virus outpacing your own country (such as Japan or Korea, for example, which was happening in Hawaii state-wide when I was there). Things were feeling pretty calm despite what was happening in the rest of the country.

Then I returned to the East Coast and as I returned, a different feeling emerged altogether. Bear in mind that I had not been watching news or looming at forums during my time on the islands. I watched about twenty minutes of coverage iver the course of the week to stay up to daymte on numbers and whether it might be better for me to stay if tjings got worse. It wasn’t until I returned to the East Coast that I just felt different.

The feeling that I got in those first 48 hours was nearly impossible to cope with to be honest. Bear in mind, once I was home, I shopped quickly and stayed at home for a week. I wasn’t out and about. I only had a group conversatiin with friends moments ago on a conference text. Otherwise, I had been isolated.

During this time I felt an energy that was shaken with fear, and as I scanned the energy, it showed a large anount of energy clamped down in the heart center, then blocks in other areas to lesser degrees. So strange, I thought, because the heart is a center for compassion. The voice of my inner guidance spoke saying,

There is a lack of true compassion…the body of this group is wrestling with true compassion, some feel it, but others do not. Some are polarized…some closed in the heart but open in the root, some closed in the root but more open in the heart. There are strands of influences swimming through all of this.

I wondered if the level of crazy was actually happening. I wondered, and while writing this, I have seen comments on broadcasts such as a Bernie Sanders live stream with comments all eluding to incredible fear, angst, and anxiety. I dropped into the connected world to gauge what people have been feeling.

People have lost jobs. People are unsure about how they will pay their rent, or their power bills, or when the epidemic will pass so things can get back to normal. Yes…so there is an unusual amount of uncertainty and fear. I am getting it. It has closed down hearts, it has also had a corresponding root impact, too, related to survival and abundance. For the first time since FDR, it looks like Congress will pass sweeping social actions to put money (energy) into people’s hands, a surprising move given how Trump is so pro market and how much the country appears to have rejected the socialist philosophy of the Sanders campaign (which, by the way, is completely in line with being a “New Deal” democrat despite efforts to beand Sanders as somehow radical or communist. Now everyone is embracing the spirit of his policies. So curious an outcome.

It is hard feeling all of this, so I am left with how to deal with all of this at a personal level. It took me several days to work through it in order to not feel flattened by it.

If by chance you feel the collective in a similar way, these strands of feeling can trigger you pretty easily. It’s weird…anger, fear, all of this hard emotion. To cope with it, I bring up all the bliss I can from my root so that it joins in the heart. This has been the only thing that has helped me, which is essentially bliss. Just bliss, and an ability to stay on or in that bliss continually. Doing that has been the life saver. I have been oscilating in and out of it this past week but have been able to shelter back under it recently. For the great unwashed this bliss is an expansive energy of creativity not focused in creating and which also has an orgasmic component. My experience has been that this energy has been directly responsible for healing a slew of ills over the last dozen years, and makes for clearer eyes and calmer hearts when allowed in. I highly suggest giving it an opportunity to work. The only way I can feel this bliss un the face of such potential calamity is thrpugh surrender as well as not busying my mind with unknowns or with a desire to control outcomes. This shifts me away from fear and ibto bliss quite naturally. This has happened before, it will happen again. The soul remains immortal. Do what you can but align in a “right” way. The Polynesians call this “pono.” Deep down, it is our unner compass, our divine compass that transcends ordinary notions of right and wrong to strike to the deeper causes and truths that reveal right and “wrong.”

I think how those who do not know about bliss move from anxiety to calm using methods that distract them mrnrally and then emotionally as a result. Maybe they find something to keep their minds busy. We all have our ways of coping. I wish I could give everyone the gift of bliss-it isn’t that hard to find. Sometimes all it takes is a glance.

Amidst this, the odd notion arises: by witnessesing these states in groups here, can we begin to change our reality by being able to bring a whole other vibration to the moment? Or is this only a drop in the sea? Some would say yes, some would say no. Is it even a relevant question? Does it matter in the bigger picture? Does the universe set itself free to see how it will play out?

Maybe acts will be what do the heavy lifting, but our state of mind determines what those acts are. It may be acts of kindness to others from a distance may be the best way to lighten the load for all concerned.

My heart goes out to everyone, those touched and those not touched by this epidemic. This isn’t permanent, but it is also active. Each one of us is now, by remaining isolated, are throttling down the volume that this virus will have. For now, some areas have not yet seen the “peak” or apex of the epidemic. New York State and city anticipate the peak to have passed by April 2!st according to modelled projections. That number may be close or off depending on what is done between now and then.

So some facts from Governor Cuomo on covid:

Of 30,811 who tested positive in NY so far (as of 3:00 pm EST March 25)

12% have been hospitalized.

3% of those hospitalized gave been admitted to an ICU or intensive care unit.

These are small percentages, but can be big numbers because of our population. Knowing whether you are in a risk group is important. Then act accordingly by keeping isolated so you stay out of the growth vector of new cases. Stay at home, read books, watch movies, read blogs, write, take walks (yes you can!).

Hang in there everybody!

~Parker

 

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In this next interview I have a sit-down with local artist, healer, and family friend Diane to talk about her experience with her kundalini awakening.  Recorded several years ago, this interview was transcribed but had gotten swept up in a computer crash that only recently was recovered.  Her interview can also be found in the section at the top of the blog.  I am including the events surrounding her awakening first and I will have a second part of the interview, which was the earlier portion, in a second post a little later.  The format for the interview is different from the other interviews as it was a more open conversational style.  My questions and comments are all italicized and her responses are in normal type.

Today I talk with Diane who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia and who, coincidentally, is a close family friend. She is a wife, mother, artist, and mystic of some note. Diane’s artistic talents including writing, photography, sculpture, and performance art. She is part of the artist group Web Six who have, over many decades, produced multimedia performances that are part visual art, poetry reading, and performance centered around their experiences as women. Their performances have covered the trials and triumphs that they face in their day to day lives. Made up of musicians, writers, poets, photographers, and painters, the troupe has performed throughout our region over a thirty year period.

Diane is a gifted healer who has, over the years, brought her insight into her work through workshops and retreats on issues related to the shamanic journey and spirituality, to name a few. She also owns a business as a masseuse and has directed Yoga Nidra classes. I sit down with Diane to discuss her experience with her awakening.


 

Can you identify anything that triggered your awakening?

I had been to the first workshop for the Institute for Shamanic Studies with Mary North. It was always a vivid experience for me, and I had power animals…

Was this based on Harner’s work?

Yes. I went to this workshop and just jumped into it. I think I need to work on that. I did these workshops, I just jumped into them. Well anyway, that’s maybe beside the point.

Well did you feel like a tension had built up over the slow loss of your mother might have triggered anything?

Well, she was my friend, we said we were soul mates. But she would be sitting across from me having coffee and she’d ask, “Do I know you?”

Did this make you feel lost?

Well my father had already died, and I felt like I was losing my rock, yes. The daily grind of care was hard because she did not sleep like she used to. My sister and I would trade her off so we had some time off, which was a blessing. So it was during this free time that I decided that I would take a workshop on developing your psychic ability. Mom and I had actually had psychic things together. And she was psychic, but she never developed it. She introduced me to Wayne Dwyer. So she introduced me to that world. She would say that someone was coming, and we would need to clean house to get ready, and sure enough, later, a cousin would show up knocking at the door.

One night as I was lying in bed, after she had died, I had a dream where I saw this sphere in the room, it was this pulsing sphere that looked like water. Then I heard a voice that said to me….and now I am going to cry….it said, “This is her last gift to you, and someday you will understand…” Then I woke up and the ball was still there, and I was awake. I even pinched myself, and I could still feel it coming into me. I think it gradually dissipated. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to take this workshop to develop my psychic abilities. But then this whole thing happened with this person named Tom. So….

So was your awakening a clearly defined….was there a galvanizing moment..

Oh yeah. [laughter]

Yes. [laughter] So what was that?

I went to the workshop. I was so relieved to be there, I walked on the beach. I didn’t need to take care of anybody. I went to the center and was sitting down, and we were having this introductory meeting that gave us the bones of the thing. I heard someone laugh, this was like some enchanted evening, except it wasn’t. I heard someone laugh, and I turn around, and there is this huge guy, big big neck, the kind of guy I am like “Eeew! Get away from me!” Had a pony tail pulled back. He was squatting down and he was talking to people, and he turned around and looked at me and it was like….it was like on point…like a bird dog. He was looking at me like, “Oh my God, there she is!” which was what he was thinking when he talked about it later when I found out that I was in a dream of his.   I was looking behind me, thinking “What the hell?” So I was pissed. I was having this great time and there was this guy looking at me.

Later I decided to join a sharing group, people you would eat breakfast and lunch with and you could share your experiences. So when I went in the room where the list of the sharing was, I didn’t want the guys name on it, and I was relieved to find his name wasn’t on it. But as I was there a woman erased a name and put his name, Tom, on the list. There was this feeling of inevitability to it. So I found that he was actually quite funny. He had this self-depricating humor, and it was mostly about himself. He worked in sanitation for the city of Philadelphia. And one day after our meal he asked me if I wanted a ride up to the conference center, and I said no, and then thought, “Well that was kind of mean…” so I said that I would take a ride with him and we rode up to the conference center together. And I thought I was getting a lesson on not judging a book by its cover, because he was quite nice and funny. And it was while people were talking there that all of a sudden there came this feeling that came up from my spine to the top of my head. And it was like a wave of emotion. It was very emotional. Tears came to my eyes. It was like someone divulged some secret of the universe to me. It was like awe. And I began to shake. I even looked under my seat. I thought there was electricity under it. I started sweating. I had to hold onto my seat; I was rocking. I looked over at Tom and he was shaking. He was rocking. He was holding on to his seat. I thought, “Holy shit!” I wondered did we eat something? Did we have food poisoning? We both wound up leaving when the break came. We fled. I asked if he was okay. I asked “Is this you, are you doing something?” I walked around thinking, “what the hell is this?” I thought maybe it was a blast from the past, was this an issue raising up? Maybe it was something we ate. I decided “I am not doing this, I came here for R&R…whatever it is, it is going to have to come get me because I am not doing this…” Later, I came out of the meeting and I was going to walk on the beach. The parking lot was empty. But Tom was sitting there on the hood of his car. He looked horrible. He looked sweaty, he looked pale. So I thought, okay, I am going to talk to him. I asked him how he was doing. He said “I feel like there is a pillar running up from my bottom to the top of my head and it’s going to explode.” I remember reading something about that pillar, I had read about it and I thought, hmmm….okay. I felt like I was on automatic, ”do you want me to take you to the hospital? Do you need me to drive you?” He said he didn’t think he could be around people. He was kind of staggering around. So I said, without even knowing I was going to say it, “Give me the car keys. I will drive you. I will get you some Advil.” When I got him to my room and I gave him the Advil, I felt like I was seeing this almost outside of my body, like this was something we had agreed to do this before.

He sat down on the chair and then he went berserk. He starting yelling and screaming. He tore up the bed! I had been to enough workshops, so I knew that this was something you were supposed to do, just let it happen, so I said, just let it out. When he calmed down I asked him if that was a seizure. He said that it wasn’t a seizure. He was walking down the hall and I thought, okay, something weird is happening.

The next night, I hadn’t seen him, I had been doing some yoga, and there was a knock on the door. I knew it was Tom. I answered the door and it was him. He was carrying some flowers. He said, “Whatever you did last night, it really helped me, and I wanted to thank you.” I said well I wonder how my husband would feel about this, and he said, “ That isn’t what this is, and you know it”…and I thought, shit, he was right, it wasn’t.

He asked me what I knew about my work. He wanted to pick my brain, he wanted to do work with me. So we sat across from each other and looked at each others face. As we did this, I saw this young man in his face with the turned up bangs, and I drew the picture in my notebook. Very innocent and young looking. He saw my fear of growing old, which I do, because of my mother. That night, I woke up and I thought that there was an earthquake! I had the same thing he did. I had to get up and go out on the beach. And I ran.

So did you feel like you had this build up of tension and movement helped?

Oh yes. I wanted to move. I wanted to feel my pain, I wanted to feel my breath , I was on the edge of the surf. I wanted to feel it all because I couldn’t stand it. Later when I was in my room, there was this flickering inside, like something was crawling that went up and down from my solar plexus and my head, up and down, up and down. I took a shower and held my pillow and fell asleep. Later, we would do work together.

I did this shamanic journey and I saw the image of this armadillo and I saw all these cracks on its back and I could see this image like it was written on the sky that said, “Pain” and when I saw that and told him this, he said I have to show you something, and he showed me his back. There were all of these scars that were like these hands that were reaching for his spine. He would have been like Quasimodo if he hadn’t had his spine broken, so he had been in a body cast, it had been in a Catholic hospital where they didn’t let his parents visit. He had just had a horrible time. So somehow, we had come together to work on this.

Okay, so I am going to ask you something that I know about personally about nearly all of the people….no….all of the people I know who have awakened together. They might be sitting across from one another or across the miles. They all have this unsettled karma together. And a lot of time there is this experience of revelation, or apocalypse where there is this sudden revealing where all this stuff comes up, all this stuff….you don’t even know what the name is for this experience, but its this energy that needs to get out. And then in the midst of this you sometimes can have this little “Aha” moment. Did you ever have that?

I did.

Did you have that moment where you understood what it was that was not finished?

Somewhat. I think it was somewhat.

When I went to do the whole holotropic breath work, which I wanted him to do, but he didn’t want to do it. That was when I felt a goddess moving up through my body. At the time I didn’t know it was Shakti, you know, the goddess they speak about. It was definitely female. Then I saw myself. I was both outside myself and in my body. I saw myself sitting in a circle of stones. I knew that I was a willing sacrificial woman. I had red hair and was wearing a white dress. I was coming down into the scene. The stones had runes scratched into them. I had always thought they were Celtic, but they were Viking. And he [Tom] looks like a Viking. I saw my throat being cut. And I saw the blood coming out of me and I became very white. He was standing at the end of the circle. Then I turned and asked who he was. He was standing there, like a shaman with a metal helmet, with fur. Then his face changed and he turned into an old man with a wolf head on his own head, it was this headdress. Then he turned into a woman in a long white dress in sandals standing on a dais with white columns with a really blue blue sky behind. I asked, “Well, who is he?” And the voice said, “He is a gatekeeper.” I have learned that this sometimes refers to the person who helps you with your psychic life, who is the gatekeeper for entering your psychic life.

I had this incredible dream the night I felt the…thing…I dreamed….I am going to cry. I was sitting on the porch of this ancient building with columns were crumbling and the steps went down into the ocean. And in the ocean, walking out of the ocean, was this wolf girl. She was part wolf and part human. And I knew she was me. She pointed behind me, and there was this ancient door with these rusty hasps and she pointed that I needed to open the door. And I couldn’t open the door. I woke up and thought, I have got to open this door! So I went back to sleep and had a dream about a crowbar, but I could never open the door.

I have had shamanic journeys about the door, and I have had experiences where I have been led to what is behind the door. Some people have said that it is love, but I am not sure. So anyway. [laughter]

How has your awakening progressed?

I had different….I have written about the whole thing what happened to me with Tom about that. I had it for about three years, before I could not feel it in my body. I was terrified a lot of the time, and even though I went to the holotropic breath work, but I would have movements of extreme ecstasy and then extreme fear. I had all kinds of things happen to me, like a snake coming out of my throat chakra. But I also had amazing synchronistic experiences. I had an amazing experience with reclaiming my relationship with Jesus. I would go to workshops and would feel drawn to them and would start talking to them and would find out they had had an opening. I went down to Greensboro to study hypnosis. I met this women who was doing this work and she wanted to do this work with Mary Magdeline and she laid me down on the table and began touching me where Jesus’s wounds were and I found I just opened like a flower. I found that I was meeting others who had this same opening, like you, who also had this same thing. One day while I was meditating, I felt like I was going to give birth, so I moved into the birth position and felt as though I was giving birth, and afterwards, I just rolled around on the floor lauging and feeling great.

You know, it’s interesting, but this is an experience I have read about many women who have had. Men don’t seem to have it. Maybe its an archetypal Jungian kind of experience where we are dealing with higher order energy within our psyche about creativity, and birth. So its interesting.

Did you have any physiological effects related to dealing with the fear in this? This whole shadow and the light…

Sometimes I would have the shaking. Oh my god there is an earthquake. Oh, and I also had a spontaneous orgasm, which I hear is normal, which was great! I thought that was pretty cool! I am standing there at the edge of the bed, and there is no one near me.

I am not trying to pigeon-hole you, but I am interested in how people are dealing with their shadow stuff. How did you deal with releasing this energy?

Well I would have this shaking, and at night I would have this feeling like I was just full of fear and that there is this darkness. Darkness was upon me and darkness would be upon me. I would lie in bed with Richard [Diane’s husband] and would just shake. But he does not go there. I would sometimes say, “I am running some energy today” and he would say, “Okay, don’t want to get into it, but it’s okay.”

I often had this anxiety about myself, why I was feeling this way. I would often sit and pull some runes and would think about it. I began to see that a lot of what had to do with Tom was about the male dominant energy. I saw that he represented my own male energy that I had been dealing with for lifetimes. But it was a real issue dealing with this male energy which when it comes into my life has always wanted to be dominant…..but the fear of it was overwhelming sometimes.

How did you get through this?

Well let me think about this. I would read and do a lot of shamanic work. I always felt like it was a place I could go and feel solace. I don’t know….it gradually died away. And as I did that, Tom fell away, too. He was my….he awoke….he was my gatekeeper, I guess.

You know, this gatekeeper….this is not a monodimensional…

Yes…

But its this thing, I mean, who knows, but it might be more than just here and now, it could be many places and times. Sometimes when we step back and let our intuition flow sometimes we get this “Oh….why didn’t I understand that before?” I also see how so many relationships point to the nature of this, and it leaves me seeing patterns that exist in them. Do you feel the same way about this man and the experience?

No. I feel like I reached a different level of consciousness. It also had to do with my having cancer recently. That was in 2010, so this has been going on for a while. I think I didn’t know what I did, but I just kind of held on and it happened in a different kind of way.

I always felt calm when I was tapping into some kind of energy. When I do massage I know I always felt calm. I just felt like I could tap into something that makes me feel more at peace. But sometimes when I think about the shaking I feel like I can bring it back.

So with all of the “violence” of the stirring of kundalini do you feel like you are more at peace?

Yes. I don’t feel the fear like I did before. But sometimes I will wake up in the morning and will sometimes have this thing where I have this reaction…and there is this moment of bliss as I wake up but then feel like there is something yet to do and I will feel that sense that causes you to react, [quick draw in of breath] you know.

Occasionally, I will have this experience, recently I looked at a tree and I just saw it shimmering and I was….wow! Sometimes I find that when I go into the Witness, I feel this amazing sense of peace. I was ironing recently and as I did this, I could feel how I was a physical being having a spiritual experience. It was so perfect.

Once while I was with Tom, we were sitting by the water and as I sat there I could hear this voice behind me and it was a woman’s voice. It was Sheila’s voice! And she said, “You are done! You are done!” And I knew that it was time for this to end. I turned to see who it was, and there was no one there. And who knows, it could have been my own psyche doing that.

And maybe it doesn’t matter, whether it is you or her, I think the soul doesn’t care what face that is put on it. So yeah.

I think about how we got over the fear. Sometimes we would sit and pull the runes. Tom was able to work with this and sometimes he would just fall to the ground sometimes and go into convulsions. So during this time, having him in my life, helped a lot. We would share our experiences throughout it. I think that helped me move through it into something calmer. And I went to workshops and did readings. I had you, and Vicky.

Do you employ any practices like meditation or yoga?

[laughs] I am pretty bad at employing a practice. I find that I don’t like to do anything regularly. I am very spontaneous. I go here and there, where I feel drawn. Sometimes I call on my spirit guides, spirit animals, and they help me.

Do you find that you reach a state of deepened meditation anywhere, anyway….like at a grocery store or wherever you are?

Yes. I can often feel this pulsing of energy and I will see this blue light.

How has this impacted the work that you do, your creative work? Have these changed?

Well I wrote that book about my mother. I think that I am able to focus on that kind of thing better. But there was a time when I wanted to be well known, but now I am more interested in just making the work and finding the right world. My relationship to all of this is changing and I am going more inward. That’s what’s more important is my inner life. What I love is talking one on one with people. That is my true love in my life now.

I recently read the book Goddesses in Every Woman, and that is Aphrodite, and I never thought of myself as an Aphrodite. I always think of her as the young beauty on the shell. Actually Aphrodite is the one who likes to talk deeply about the deeper subjects…you know….she likes to sit and talk deeply with people. That is what I love. I love this.

What are your thoughts about these mass awakenings happening?

You said it best at the beginning of this, which is that it is the return of the Goddess. And I think she is returning right now to the earth. I know popular culture doesn’t see that but there are people like Sera Beak, have you read her book Red Hot and Holy?

No…

It’s wonderful. She is a young goddess lover. Went to visit Mariom Woodman and you know, she is a little too much for me. I am a little too old for all the sex toys and stuff but she’s bringing it back in its full vitality and richness. And I think there is a whole movement out there. She calls it the Red Volution, instead of the revolution. I like her because when she speaks, she doesn’t try to be on top of it the way men often do, she is just up there with her trembling voice saying, “This is me. This is me. I am a goddess, and so are you!” You’d like seeing her. She is very beautiful.

I think we don’t need to go back to matriarchy, either. Patriarchy is changing, too. I think we can go to the balance. It’s a mystery. It is a deep mystery. I have learned to trust the mystery and not try to control every little thing.

This energy that is kundalini. How did you relate to it? Did you feel like it had sentience?

Oh yeah!

Did it feel like it was a part of you or it was separate?

At first I thought it was separate, but later, I felt that it was me. When I felt the goddess, I knew it was me. But before that, I felt this thing that was like a devil in me that I wanted to just cast it out….but I think that is what is happening, it is the goddess touching you. But because the patriarchy was so long in power that it has to be the goddess coming back now to balance it. And with Tom he was such a powerful form of the masculine that I had to touch that to balance that, to bring balance to its opposite.

Thank-you, Diane.

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