This morning (now two day ago as this post ages in my drafts folder) I had what I think of as a grand mal seizure of pure ecstasy. It put me into this state of deep and abiding ecstasy so strong, so sweet, that I was unable to move or do anything for about an hour. I was finally able to move before getting to work in the studio, but for a while, I felt like I was frozen on the spot, not wanting to go anywhere. I just felt the love.
I didn’t have a seizure, not really….but these moments come and I am not always sure that I can point to a reason for it, except that in an extremely simple way, I am ready for it…just ready to do what I must for this field of love to envelop me, to remind me what I really am beyond what I think is challenging me.
I do try to think what contributing factors have been at work on why a given event happens as it does. Did I say just how incredibly sweet this last experience was? Boy, it was a real doozie. There. We have finally brought “doozie” into the realm of the transcendental. But back to the why at hand. This extreme high might have come courtesy a lot of activity on the “release” side of things.
My instinct through all of this, no matter how hard it has been, has been that I need to drive the energy as high as I can, to let it sweep me away, to allow it to come because I sensed it was going to clear away a lot of junk. Before I knew that this had a name like kundalini, I was hearing it speak to me telling me telling me to just soften, let go, to open to its power so it could do its work. And for the record, that trust was not easy to come up with right out of the chute. In the first month or two of my awakening, I considered all sorts of possible scenarios, including having been possessed. That said, though, what I got from this force in my life was that I needed to drive this energy higher and higher. I wasn’t sure in the beginning why, I just knew that this was what I was here to do. And you know, as I bid the energy come, it did. As I said for it to take me, it did. It was sometimes uncomfortable, but it always led to relief from having been held in an emotional vice which really was of my own making.
For those who have had this, you will know that when I say that as I was getting ready to awaken I was suddenly met with people from all over the place who were awakened who were making entrances into my life (and not because I was on a site online for awakening or because I was attending a class or workshop….the truth was, no one knew, and I was one of those people who was not in on what was happening. It was like my whole life began vibrating at this different frequency and it began to attract people who, for the time, were important catalysts for understanding and for accelerating my process. Some were old karmic connections that needed to be cleaned up. Some were hard, some were surprising in how they changed from one thing into another once the karma was cleaned up. In that process I have known people whose energy was higher, lower, and all over the place. Everyone has their own comfort level it seems….but my feeling remains that we have cut ourselves off from the most amazing field, which the Tibetans call the Buddha field (I am sure other Buddhists call it something similar). It is cosmic consciousness. Just thinking about it puts me into its throws again (which makes writing this challenging)!This attenuation of our awareness is this Veil I was recently writing about in an earlier post.
Recently I have spent the last few weeks traveling to places both old and new, seeing some old places from my earliest childhood and going places I have never been but have always wanted to see. I have discovered that some of the places that I knew well as a child now no longer exist, or exist in such altered form that they are simply no longer recognizable. What is so interesting is that I felt like this was perfect because so much of me had changed. Before going there, I thought how I wanted to go to the spot where one of the biggest traumas of my life happened, the one where my new stepfather beat me within an inch of my life (no, he really didn’t beat me literally within an inch of my life, but at age three and never having been whipped before, his beating felt brutal and it left a big mark on me). I found that while I thought about releasing this, in going to the location, it no longer mattered. I had released so much stuff as a result of my awakening that I no longer felt an attachment to finding the place. I knew my awakening would release so much more stuff, and each time I did that, my capacity for this love that is at the core of my being would grow, as though I am a vessel that was clogged with mud which I am now removing so the love fluid can flow through me unhindered. It is so real, so vivid, it is like a fluid. Have you noticed? I’m drifting into it…
I think that because of this realization that what I thought I might want to do, which was to try and revisit a place I thought I had an issue about was changed by the unavailability of the location physically, I was able to better see that all things are only issues if we make them issues. SOme are hard to get over, no doubt, but at the end of the day, our own suffering does not stop until we find a way to be okay with our past. Regardless of what we think is right or wrong. We are all human, we all err, and we all deserve to be forgiven. Most of all we deserve to be forgiven by ourselves as the ultimate act of learning how to move forward. It’s actually easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves sometimes. We just don’t always realize how deeply our misgivings are about ourselves. When we are able to really see it and then forgive ourselves for putting ourselves through that kind of difficulty for so long (and admit it; you probably have something you have been beating yourself up for close to a decade or longer….and if so, you know just what I mean). These kinds of things have helped me to unexpectedly shift a lot of stuff over the course of this trip which was a kind of vision quest almost. I just didn’t think it would turn out that way, but there it is.
It has been eleven years into full awakening and I thought I would give a quick sense of perspective, for whatever it is worth.
I feel bliss more easily.
This corresponds to the years of releasing I have been doing. This has been a daily task for well over a decade. It is now resulting in a fairly significant reward for me on a day-to-day level.
I am not disturbed by things like before.
I used to be thrown into all manner of energetic contractions in the past. This happens much less and to a far less degree. I am reaching a point where I can feel bliss nearly in every situation. I do, however, throttle it back when I need to focus and use my rational mind (because that is released or suspended during these bliss states). That said, I still have other issues that can affect me that I am still working on (hey it is a process!).
The bliss field alters how reality works.
People talk about synchronicity. I observe that synchronicity is merely the result of our letting go of the strictures we hold in consciousness that hold back bliss and also hold back the energy that naturally co-creates with the energy that drives reality (they are the same!). I have been able to live life as one long series of synchronicities at long as I am able to anchor the bliss field within me. When I drive this bliss field higher within me, this heart stopping love, the incidence of synchronicities goes up each and every time (it helps to be thinking about something strongly so things have a reason or anchor for). This bliss field takes the place of intense emotion which used to be the thing that drove this co-creation.
The triadic nature of consciousness remains but is now less divided in appearance.
The Ida and Pengali or the yin/yang meridians carry an energetic polarity to an energy that we call prana. We know so little about this except for observations made by yogis and yoginis. The masculine and feminine qualities in consciousness which seem like separate things are in truth mutually reliant on one another in order to make prana what it is. I have not yet seen evidence that there really is a female and masculine form of prana that exists on its own without the other existing along with it. What I do find is that they both exist together, but one can be admired or studied within the self and within another. Traditionally we admire the opposite in someone of the opposite sex, but this is not merely a physical phenomenon. Kundalini would never have arisen had it not been merged together with its opposites of Ida and Pengali (Shakti and Shiva). I have found I am much easier with my true nature, which includes a combination of masculine and feminine traits as part of my individuality. The curious thing is that while this proportion has been differed in other lifetimes for specific results, the thread has been how I have managed to utilize these forces in my life for union with the divine nature.
Life is easier.
The right things happen as I need them. I once struggled with keeping the things that brought abundance into my life stable, but now events have reached a culmination point where I am able to reap what I have sown. This makes me very happy and has afforded me a degree of freedom that I cherish as part of a spiritual path where I do not have the support of, say, an ashram or community. i find that I want to show people how to do this thing, like an affordable class full of inspiration and energy….but this has not yet fleshed itself out yet. I am on the verge of a new business start-up with a lot of very exciting implications. Creative in nature, I will be working with the forces present in my awakening on a day-to-day basis. I hope that I can continue to bring the same grace and magic into it as has been happening lately.
I am more peaceful.
I am. And that said, I have more work to do. That is the nice thing about this: I am aware of how turbulent I felt the first few years and how this affected my life. I could see how this impacted the events in my life. Now, a good bit further down the road in my process, I can see how my ability to anchor a given state has had an effect on the events in my life. It also helps to highlight what remains as work to do. I was actually concerned that once things began reaching that tipping point in my favor that I might lose the feeling or energy somehow. But what I have found is that while the energy is less turbulent, i can still manage a good release….its just different now. And I think this is important to anyone who is still in the more turbulent waters. The energy really does get a little more sublime in some ways. it is easy I guess to get lazy, but I have not found this to be the case for me, but I see how it could be for some. It’s just so cozy being where I am now…I just don’t want to upset it too much (but I get over that once I know this energy has more stuff to show me once I rid myself of more stuff).
The blocked material remaining becomes more obvious.
There are pros and cons (for me at least) of having had this happen. The day my grandmother died, she came and spoke to me about her afterdeath experience. I was in a deep meditation (lying in bed taking a nap, naturally! Lol!) and when she left, she turned and reached out and touched my left side with her etheric finger. In that moment my entire left side (along the hips) released a huge block that I had been trying to let go of for about two years without success. My left or Ida side was now perfectly clear. But my male side, however, was still blocked. This amazing release that took place on that day served to highlight how stuck the male side was. In a way, all of this releasing made it harder for the left side. It felt like it had this spot light on it now all of a sudden. This feels familiar, though, as we expect men to perform! I chipped away at this thing for years and it was alike a freaking stone! I found that it was impacting my physical body and I have actually been quite concerned that if left long enough, that it could manifest into disease (like cancer—all my friends seem to be going through their cancer troubles now). Right now I think the problem involves posture and nerve pain, which I work on (see how the psoas muscle is considered the “seat of the soul” in other blog posts). I have had several rather significant releases from the right side, all of which resulted in changing what I was drawn to, interested in, or thought were some of my likes. It is funny how the nature of a repressed emotion can color or taint your personality. For me, I am a believer.
Being solitary has been okay.
I fought loneliness for years and found that the things that affected me most, which was alienating actions and words would throw me into a tailspin most often. Realizing this, I moved to change this dynamic, to give it a rest. The only way to do this was to be alone. With so much ju-ju flowing through me, it makes it hard. I have spent lifetimes in celibacy because the traditions really had no meaningful way to incorporate spiritual and physical intimacy or union together into one practice. As a species, we just weren’t there (except perhaps for the tantric masters that originated from Tibet (a tradition that is distinctly different and in no way part of the Buddhist tradition, I should point out). Now, I feel like things have moderated a good bit. I think we are social creatures, so the desire to be with others is natural, but when does it become dependency? When does it serve as a gloss to hide our own insecurities? Or our inability to really love ourselves? Interesting things happen when you learn to love yourself. One, you are much more grounded all in all. You also have less extreme views. Life in this mode teaches you a love for balance because self-care is about stasis or balance, not living in the extremes. It could be said that my bliss is extreme, but it has been won by no longer having those large swings from one extreme to another. Instead of bliss being an extreme, it has become the new baseline. That is the difference, loves. And with that kind of discovery, I find that it would be great to have a partner who is dedicated to the same things I am, someone with whom I have positive karma with for a change (instead of some harder negative karma). Often those whom we have known a long time in other emergencies are those who we feel most natural and comfortable with. Perhaps I am setting up an intention…
Fear Of Death has been conquered as best I can tell
When I was all of nine years old, my spiritual quest began with a search to find ways to erase my fear of death. I felt that if I could do this, I might lie more fully and with less fear hanging over me. I found the book Life After Life which had at that time just been published by Dr. Raymond Moody Jr., and with that book and others to follow, I was off to the races. I have found that all of the religions of the world have not provided this assurance. Only experience does, and not just one experience, but many experiences over a long period of time. Out of body experiences, seeing or interacting with energy from a distance, contact with deceased relatives, all have helped to build a sense that this life is not all that there is.
My understanding of energy and how to work with it has been greatly expanded – I am ready to work with it at some level in my work now.
Even though I shrink from being a part of any method or technique or dogma, I find my life has taken on a form of dedication that really has been extremely persistent. In fact, it is nonstop. I find this to be the most rewarding part of this work, the fact that I have committed myself to this path and that the path (which is really only my trail through my life and nothing more) continues to help me to feel more deeply committed as each day goes by. It also helps to reveal to me that not everything that we do in our relationships is strictly about mirroring. Many have said that the people that are in our lives are there because they are mirrors of us, but what I have found is that this is just not so. Instead, I have found that there are a lot of people who are very different from who we are and that sometimes the only thing holding us to one person is a karmic thread that has nothing to do with our being similar to one another. In my next post, I will go into this mirroring idea in what I promise wont be as long a post as this one has been.
~The Light In Me Salutes The Light In You~
Waking The Infinite 
Beautiful.
You’re a radiant soul and I wish you the best.
What a nice thing to say – thank-you!