Archives for the month of: January, 2017

Busy week!  Oh my.  But one thing I am noticing some folks searching for on my blog is the role that adrenaline plays in awakening. There are posts there, but this one adds a new chemical wrinkle to the story.

And boy, did I have an experience with adrenaline during a stage of awakening!  I also have a family friend who went through her awakening some years ago and her struggle with adrenaline was about as bad as my own.  I say “bad” because I have never in my life experienced the crucible of awakening quite like I did than during this particular period of awakening.  For years I examined, thought, and wrote about this experience.  But lately, I have come across more about the physiological and chemistry tied to what might be felt as adrenaline (hint: there is more to it!).  So quickly, let me lay it out because things are rapid paced right now in my life…

1) Buried fear can bring up strong adrenaline responses in awakening.  2)Everything is magnified in the awakened state.  This is good in one way, hard in another.  You get to see things you may not have known were there before, rising or peeking up from the subconscious that you didn’t know were even there.  3) If there is buried fear, well, the chemical compliment to this is most often thought of as adrenaline.  My friend wound up having to go to the doctor because of adrenal burn-out, so this can be pretty serious when dancing through the garden of a full kundalini awakening.  I was myself very concerned about what effect that this constant pounding of adrenaline was going to have on my body.  This is no picnic! A few moments of adrenaline is enough to quicken your senses and give you fast reaction time, but adrenaline for months at a time is simply dreadful. It’s a very real concern physiologically.

The solution for me was to find those moments in the loud clanging of adrenaline when I was not feeling adrenaline so powerfully and try to figure out what it was I was doing internally to create that moment or period of relative peace amidst the maelstrom….and slowly, by doing this,  I was able to unravel this even as I wanted to just jump out of my skin.  I found that what was driving the adrenaline was nothing more than fear.  And fear itself is nonrational.  Let me tell you, that most of what you are feeling in awakening related to fear is almost always related to something that has happened in the past. Its irrational, and its in the past.  Seems obvious, but try telling that to someone caught in the grip of the vice of adrenaline.

Fear only serves you when you are realizing that there is a clear and present danger and you do something to avert it, otherwise, most of it is simply reflecting on the past.  It is fear for the sake of fear.  And you have to purge this fear from the very cells of your being.  I am not speaking figuratively here.  Fear can be wound deep within the substratum of our bodies, down into the cellular structure where all of this chemistry begins.  This might sound like an insurmountable beast to tackle, but I am living proof that it can, and must, be done.

 

The way I was able to do this was to learn to simply change my body chemistry by how I chose to feel.  I simply chose to feel differently.  I wish I could say I hummed a mantra to make it all better, but I knew that this was all in the vicera, in the root of my being and I had to dig it out by those roots. So I had to dive deep.  I had to face whatever this thing was, and in the end, the answer for me was to change my mind.  I had to work on just changing how I operated, how I reacted, and how I was at a deep down level. I also had to keep at this and not give up. My meditation and the insight that kundalini brings into my life showed me clearly what the problem was, and in many ways it was simple, but it required a willingness to simply give something up that was very fundamental about my being and feeling state. Here is an important piece of the puzzle that has applications for any other emotion that you can get stuck in a “dark night of the soul” over, which is that this is how you erase the program that is running your mind, your emotions and your physiology or chemistry. Yes, this is a very important key; you can erase the program so that it is gone forever!

 

I knew that I had had bliss before all of this started, and I sought every avenue I could to bring that bliss back into my life.  To do this, though, I had to really calm my mind.  It was sheer will.  It was also a deep state of surrender. Surrender then signaled my body to produce more of that lovely dreamy calm-inducing dopamine. If dopamine is a calm purring cat, adrenaline is nearly it’s opposite. 

 
This creature called fear is not rational.  Fear also begets fear.  You have to realize that there is no reason anymore to fear unless you have something coming after you that is a clear and present danger.  In my case, I knew that I had so much fear because I was concerned over a spouse demonizing me for being the crazy parent.  And well, she did it anyway.  I had no control over that.  I had to let it go and let the chips fall where they may.  I was later able to talk about this with one of my children and she was able to observe that I was in fact quite sane. Truth bore out truth through simple observation.  Things have a way of working out.  But nothing like the threat of someone trying to take away or destroy the things that you care about most (like your beloved children), or some other thing that you unknowingly are holding on to.  But see, you can’t control that.  People will do crazy mean abusive things.  But truth is truth.  You have to begin living in that truth. And truth has a way of being seen.  It is the one thing that Buddha said can’t be hidden for long.  Its true.

The other side to adrenaline that I think bears mentioning is that I have written about the link to dopamine in awakening.  This does a lot of very positive things, but what is interesting is that dopamine is involved in the creation of another adrenaline like compound that might actually have as much a role in the fear cycle as adrenaline, which is something called norepinephrine.  It turns out that dopamine is used to create norepinephrine, and while dopamine is a necessity for feeling bliss, the kind of bliss that makes it possible for you to surrender deeply and physically enough for awakening to do its magic on you, it also is firing and catalyzing this other compound that, when in too large a dose, is difficult because of the fear it induces….or better yet, the association that we have made in our minds of the emotion with the compound. It’s pretty wild when you can unhitch the association that you have with fear and adrenaline…but that is a post all on its own.

 

This compound (norepinepherine) is not made in the adrenals, but is instead made throughout the body, and its effects might be felt more acutely than even adrenaline alone in some cases.  I suspect that it is possible, too, that these two chemicals might go hand in hand in the fear response.  Now all of this is troubling at first glance, but it is in truth a matter of balance and finding that balance.  This is nothing short of learning to master your own physiology (and that, dear reader is the very soul of what alchemy is all about: turning a base metal, or state of being, into gold).   If you have read about my work with dopamine and its linkage with kundalini, you will know what an important role it plays in awakening from a physiological perspective. Learning how to be even-keeled during awakening is a balance of your chemistry (which is driven by the choices being made moment by moment in consciousness).

 
The question is can you deal constructively with the norepinephrine and adrenal cycles in the body? Yes. If so, then how? You do so by realizing that you are driving this chemistry and that you have to let go of those fearful or anxious thoughts, even if they seem to be buried within you, or even if they seem beyond your control (they aren’t).  Inquire within, use your inner guru. If you are having trouble with adrenaline in awakening, then the force of it will force you into dealing with it.  You have to.  The higher self knows, but to know or touch this self, it seems you have to let go in order to assume it or sink into its presence. All the greats have said that its already in you.Letting go sounds like an irrational non-rational thing…because you will never deal with the irrational fear by coming at it with a rational strategy. Let go. To many people this sounds like giving up, or not working at it. In a way, this is exactly the point; you are giving up on feeling a certain way. The need to control has been the problem all along. 

 
In the movie Shakespeare In Love someone asks Geoffrey Rush’s character, who is the owner of the Globe Theater,  how things were going to turn out when they began to fall apart unexpectedly. He said simply, “It’s a mystery.” By letting it be, you can also soften and let it go. You just don’t need to know, or worry, how its going to play out. And that’s the healing balm that you need to turn this around. I know that what I have described to you doesn’t give you mantras to chant, but what I have given you instead is a direct glimpse deep into the physiology of the experience, and once you are able to change the mind that drives that physiology, you will likely find that you are actually learning how to master your own body chemistry at a level that you never thought was possible before.  This is liberating and empowering.  What can’t you do after such a trial as this?

Seek the balance, fellow seekers!  And be well!

Reveal your Light

Awakening.  It brings so much.  For many, the first few years of an awakening can feel like you are running to just catch up.  Incredible things have happened, and continue to.  Some of it is hard, really hard, but understanding the hardness we feel is less the energy and our own inner states as something within us opens like a flower, the outer husk pulling away hesitantly at first, then more willingly as it dawns on you that THIS is how it was supposed to be…

It brings insight.  It brings healing.  It brings the light and can guide you to your own god-given gifts that seem to be coming at just the right time.  If nothing else, the light that you can shed in your own corner of the world can help to illuminate the shadow and help to scatter and transform the thinking that keeps us in shadow.  I will tell you that based on my own experience, there is no honor in keeping your own pain within.  There is no honor in shadow, just a necessity to clear it out so that you can be clear with what is.  And with it, the inevitability of the Light.  So let it shine in your life.  Awakening is going to clear you out, it’s going to, so make yourself available, and while you are at it, you can choose happiness instead of sorrow or pain or guilt or shame.

 

See, awakening makes you more aware, yes, and this is what makes it possible to clear hundreds and thousands of blocks, all that constitute programs or patterns of thinking that simply no longer work in the awakened state.  I wrote not long ago about how at a certain stage of my awakening I began to encounter a field of energy that I call the “Sea of Sorrow” and just yesterday an old friend from my college days talked about how she sunk into the collective sadness of the human race as she dredged all of the hard feelings and regrets, the election, patriarchy, all of it. And the thing is, its all true.  None of it is not on the mark.

 

We hurt.  We have hurt collectively for a very long time.  And just like my old friend from graduate school, when I felt this vast sea of sorrow open up to my mind and inner senses, it was so tangible, so real.  I wrote in my recent post about how I thought it was mine and that I needed to cleanse it, to purge it.  So I sank into it and would find myself in the deepest grief ever. Now mind you, I think that acknowledging your emotions is important.  You can’t ignore them.  But here is the difference for many people, and I was one of them; we think it is a thing that demands our attention.  Awakening tells a very different story.  It says to me that it is there, it is real, and it is up to you what you choose to focus on.  No one was coming to me telling me “Parker, this is a fools errand…come here, let me explain a few things to you…” No, that never happened.  In fact, this was a period when I had a whole slew of guardians and guides working with me during waking and in dream.  Freewill. They were letting me work through it because they knew I thought it was important. Maybe they knew how impermanent my belief in this would be, I don’t know.  I did find that this Sea was vast.  Oh my goodness!  It was almost without end.  I thought that by processing it, I could transmute it. I realized there was no way that I had all of this sorrow in me.  Not this life and not in the sum of my lifetimes.  No way.

 

So I realized that this was one of those resonant fields that we can often tap into in an accelerated state of consciousness (or be more aware that we are indeed tapping into it, feeding into it just like everyone else is), and that it belonged not just to me, but to all of us.  The sadness was so strong, the pull so powerful, I could have stayed there as it slowly ate away my heart and soul.  No, I realized that I could not do this alone.  I had to find a better way.  So I did.  I left and I did not look back. And you know what happened?  My awakening sped up.  It accelerated.  It clarified.  I clarified more and more.  I was and remain a work in progress, and I do not claim any absolute condition of grace or light or perfect joy.  But what I do know is that there is light in all of this.  There is joy to be had, and I have a choice. We all do.

 

When I read as a young boy the stories of how people had died and were brought back from death with amazing stories about their next step beyond this life, I realized I had found an important piece of the truth that could set us free here; a real honest to goodness avenue for seeing into the next realm beyond our physical lives here.  It had the power, I thought, of erasing our fear of death.  I have been interested in these things ever since because they served to show me what religions could not, what religion simply told me I had to believe if I was to get on spiritually.  Really? These stories were about the Light.  The light.  Over and over, this great light that suffuses every single person with a sense of peace and love.  Anyone who has gone there does not want to come back. Their return is a hard affair, taking on this body again, often ravaged by whatever had taken their life to begin with.

 

But the light remains.  This light changes people’s lives.  Those who have had NDE’s (Near Death Experiences) come back with a feeling of a mission. People who awaken likewise often have some form of an encounter with the light.  I know I did.  Brilliant, pure white, I saw in it the love I have for white my whole life.  This “whiteness” of the light was less about what we see with our eyes and what we feel in our souls.  This “whiteness” or “brightness” is a soulful energy that fills everything top to bottom.  It illuminates.  And yet, even so, it is not enough to feel it “over there” but instead, to work with this light in our lives HERE in order to work it all out.  The very act of entering into creation, into what so many call “illusion” is actually an incredibly powerful conjunction of spirit and the matter or form that it creates.  We come to work out every single thing we can.  The Light itself is not enough.  Its love is so total, its compassion to great that it does not ask anything of us nor does it judge.  It is just there, available for everyone.  But here, we become aware of the shadow and then as we do that, the Light comes chugging down the pike, filling us and healing what makes us less than that Light.

 

So, see, its important to know the shadow that still lies in you.  It’s important to go through your life being as honest as you can with yourself, and in turn, with others. And sometimes, that honesty is too much for others, yes, and you just do what you can and take care of yourself (because their lack of hearing it from you might well be something within you that remains a mirror for them).  We rise through greater and greater levels of honesty as we clarify.  But I can tell you, remaining in shadow, there is no benefit. The only benefit in resting in shadow is to cast your light into it to transmute it. Otherwise,  it only reinforces itself.

 

If the light is in you, it is constantly drilling down into your darker recesses and clearing away the knots and broken bits.  And so much of it?  It’s mostly how we choose to feel.  When we let go of that identification with our hurt and pain, oh baby, it just falls away.  But our reliance on our hurt and pain is absolutely and totally neurotic in us humans.  We humans turn our hurt into great shields which hide us from the inevitability of the light overturning all of it.  We hate it and love it all at the same time.  Have you ever heard someone talk about all their ills and hurts?  They go on and on and as you look at their face, with furrowed brow, you see that while they tell themselves and act like its something terrible, they really deep down are loving it.  They love to hate it.  But look at all of that attraction to it!  And look, I know; I have been there.  Parts of me still have their hitches, but enough of this has released from me to be able to see how so many of my releases were just there for me to tend to them, like a person picking at a scab.  Isn’t it just delicious?  Oh, look at how the blood will flow….isn’t it horrible?  And we can’t look away!

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Through all of this neurosis, awakening will come for even the smallest little knot in you.  Just open like that flower, and don’t worry.  The universe has your back.  It’s not out to get you.  Nothing does.  Not even entities.  Even those entities have been invited inside of you by you.  YOU.  Your hurt has attracted them because that is all these little creatures really know.  They aren’t advanced at all, but they are doing only what feels familiar to them.  We do the same on our own level.  We are attracted to people of a certain type or even wound.  And we play out the dramas until the cows come home.

 

Note:  the cows have come home, darling.  Its time to get over it.  Open the windows, let in the air, let in the light!

 

Let your light shine.  Let it.  Find what you are good at.  Find your passion.  Find your own love. If you do, you will find a new kind of calling, a better more efficient way of being.  The closer you are to your own soul-flow, the easier things are.  Synchronicities abound.  Its kind of magical, really.  Take care of yourself and learn to love yourself.  You wont be able to love anyone authentically unless you love yourself first.  Truly.  Seek your passion.  Find people who like to talk about the same things as you and find what you can learn from them. Sometimes its good, sometimes it can be a cautionary tale.  It will be a bit of both, most likely.

 

If you are in a soul connection, find out ways that you can help bring healing.  It might be hard to do at times, but it can offer healing if you can be honest about what lies beneath, this swell of shadow you know is your work, the karma you share, but realize, too, that together this can also strengthen the karma unless you are really invested in actively digging into that shadow between the two of you and letting it go.  And in the midst of this, find reasons to smile.  If you don’t feel happy, work on that.  Sit in meditation and try cracking a smile and see what happens to your body over time.  Bid the light to come even in the midst of shadow.  You might be surprised to find that a certain block that you know you have is now feeling differently just by how you look at it.  And what if you looked at it like it was nothing?  What if you considered that all of this is just a pattern…..and you have the ability to just wipe that pattern away like dust from a chalk board.  How long do you think it will take for you to forget what that pattern was that seemed so permanent a moment before?

 

If you feel shadow, what do you really think this shadow is?  Your own feelings of remorse, guilt, shame, or upset over how something happened eons ago that now you don’t hardly remember but you know it’s just there?  Let it be anonymous.  Let it anonymously fall away.  Say you are done.  Say you want relief from it.  You can ask for this.  You can.  It is allowed.  Spirit, if it seems to want anything, is for us to know who we are in our fullness and to see us filled with the light.

 

When you let your light shine, you will release a ripple of bliss field energy into your life.  You will feel comfortable, you will feel more at ease.  You will glow.  And people will notice.  Its was actually a really nice confirmation when this happened to me.  I had finally let it flow in me.  I was so jammed up….years of jammed-up energy!  Oh my goodness sakes.  My walk changed. I felt sexy.  I felt free.  I felt alive.  I had dropped all this shame.  I remember walking past people who hadn’t even seen me only to see them turn around and scan their visual field looking for something….and boom.  This happened so often, I learned to recognize it. I could feel it.  A soul was picking up on something that they wanted in themselves.  It is true.  Even the unawakened find this to be irresistible.  We all need it. We do.  But as long as we are jammed up in ourselves, we wont realize its really what we want to feel in ourselves.  We will think its the other person, or a hundred other things.  It is US.  Here.  And its everyone’s responsibility to find it for themselves.  And me?  I am just reminding you that it’s in you and that, yes, you can.  You just need to let go.  And then, you let go even deeper.  And once you do that, you keep let going and you keep doing this for years.  It’s hard to explain just how deep our tangle goes.  Even people who have gone through awakening for years have work to do.  And this is really one big reason for why we are here.

 

So let it shine.  Let it rip!  And awakening will untangle you.  Its sort of like autopilot.  Make yourself available in each moment.  A block can go as you step out of the car, or walk through the grocery store line or as you lay in meditation….okay, maybe only I lay in meditation, but it works.  All of this is an incredible renovation job, and it begins inside.

नमोस्कार (Namaste)

 

For the women and men traveling to protest, to have their voices and choices heard, I salute you for your fortitude and effort.

Beyond the Mall and the travel, if we want to put an end to patriarchy and misogyny, it will be because the arson that we used to burn it down was itself an inside job. Lurking in all of us are the effects of centuries of a way of thinking, and while we see our leader as exemplifying that in the worst of ways, if any of us want to see this way of being gone then it will be because we were honest in seeking it out within ourselves and made efforts to change it.

Patriarchy is about the illusory status of power. We either assume or own our power or we don’t. We stand up to the strong and stick to our convictions. We are honest about how we feel, but we also can reveal brutality through nonviokent resistance. Either we define our relationships in terms of giving that power away or we don’t. No social system is inherently controlling in its aspects, humans are. There is nothing inherently more powerful from one sex to the other, because they both are.

Patriarchy has left its mark, just look at how one-sided religions steeped in it have only one human aspect to the Godhead: male. Its religions, too, are all-male run while women are given the back seat, relegated to worker-bee status. The dark side to all of this is that some women find this enticing and interesting…or fulfilling (right along with the men, of course). But then, that’s how things are: it affects all of us as we fall under its vast thrall. It pinches our perception, our experience, and our lives. It leads us to a kind of half life and no one bothers to ask why. But this century has shown a real shift in that kind of brittleness and it has revealed a truth that we are far more flexible and amenable to change than we may have previously dreamed. To continue, we need to look closely into all of ourselves to root out what no longer serves. To do this requires honesty.

When men speak about women and think of them as mere objects, that is misogyny. When women cannot get paid the same as men, that is what patriarchy has brought us. But it comes in other subtle ways when mothers call their sons “little man” or “my protector.” When mothers support old images of male power they imprint patriarchy and possibly even misogyny on the hearts and minds of their children, male or female. When fathers show preferences toward a son over his daughter, or treat the daughter as fundamentally different from his son, if not done carefully, can lead to patriarchy. There are myriad ways that we repeat, unconsciously, the program that is patriarchy or misogyny. Sometimes, we don’t know any better and just need a new or good model. And sometimes we do it knowingly.

For men and women ARE different, but it should not be the reason to exclude or divide or lessen one sex in its potential or capabilities.  Different, yes, but all equivalent. Not the same, no, but both equivalent. 

Let’s be nuanced in our approach and see the good in all instead of the bad. By encouraging the best in all of us, we might just get it.
Be clear where your power springs. Don’t give your power over out of fear or desire for approval. Don’t give it because you think it’s marketable. Keep it so that you might inspire others to keep it also so that this flame might burn in everyone. 

I look forward to even bigger changes in the upcoming year. You might be sick to death of Trump, but he IS a symptom of our own collective self which we often find too uncomfortable to even look at it. Too often, we project our own shortcomings on to others with disastrous results. I have been able to see how I projected onto others and how they projected on to me. It was always a reverse condition even though no one could see it. These things are much too hard to acknowledge, until they are. 

This isn’t about being comfortable facing an ugly truth, but it does lead to comfort once the old demon in us is gone. And because of how much our unexamined beliefs run us, it’s a life-changer when we can make that change. In ourselves. Otherwise, we continue to point it out in others whilst ignoring the beam in our eye, and I don’t have to tell you what an endless merry-go-round that is!

So acknowledge that we have more to do and consider what a great opportunity it is to be brought to this awareness by our big orange buffoon. Like it or not, he is our buffoon, and we could really clear our inner decks of so much that we all say we don’t like or are against. The only war we will wage will be a war about how we choose to react and feel about people and the world. You aren’t going to change Trump, but you can make yourself better. That great tide will be the force that won’t eradicate Trump, but ALL of the Trump’s that might have followed after him in the world. By being aware, you won’t add to the patriarchy, but add to equality or sexual equivalence and personal relevance regardless of your sex, your orientation or color or creed. What a wonderful world that would be.
I have seen how angry people are with the rioting that took place out there just before the inauguration. If only we could take that energy and burn down the patriarchy in our own inner hearts and souls, we would really be on to something.

Good luck, travel safe, and stay dry and warm, marching or not…and stay aware out there…

Its been five years to the day that I began writing on WordPress, and my how time flies! It is also a date that is very close (within days) to the day of the full rise of kundalini five years prior to my incept date on Waking The Infinite. No, that wasn’t planned, it’s just how it happened (the blog and awakening). Since then, it’s been my pleasure to share with you the many insights I have been blessed with in my journey, as it’s been my sincere desire that some of it may help you in your own journey by being aware of what is possible.
With there never being a dull moment, I will share with you something that took place last night that I have not experienced before that took me by surprise. But first, a little back story….
Recently I posted about how the use of binaural beats can aid in inducing deep brain states. I even included a link to one such video that has resulted in some rather startling results. The audio I have been using has been tuned into the brain wave range of Delta and Theta brain wave activity and has helped me to quickly enter those states while still awake. Let me know if you want a copy, I am happy to send you the links.

This is the post link:  https://wakingtheinfinite.wordpress.com/2016/12/28/binaural-beats-self-improvement-through-technology/
I am doing this work to aid in the healing of the last remaining block in my body. As I have written before, these blocks can be places where entities can attach to feed on the lower vibrational energy that these blocks create (we are actually creating this energy in the block). But once the light body is healed, the attraction ceases, the moths go elsewhere, and the light body is returned to a more pristine state. Energy goes from intense to smooth. Emotions are less disrupted. I have been keen to root out this last presence and heal the wound.

 
In the last meditation with this a few weeks ago, I had inner light activity that I associate with other consciousnesses entering my field. I used to experience them whenever I would think about another person such as the one who I thought was my soul twin. She would have a consistent color to her light as she would wink in with a brilliant star-light flash signaling “hi!”

 
This time, though, as part of my awareness was out of my body looking down through my light body, I saw a red flash that flared deep down in the lower core of my body. Inner mind said calmly, “That was the entity.” As soon as that happened, I felt it move for the first time….ever. It’s an odd sensation, much like how it might feel when something moves on top of the blankets; there is no sense of feeling movement except by way of the vibrations it makes. It has a hollow indirectness to it that feels so….curious. I hadn’t felt that since 2008 when I released from my body several entities who had took up shop in my field since who knows when. I knew they had all gone, all but one that remained too hard to see. “Huh?” I thought. I kind of shrugged and figured that I would root it out once I was ready. But it has remained very hard to see. I only became aware of it once I had cleared away all but one small area of blocks, which is where this little devil is. Interestingly, I have become increasingly aware of it in a variety of new ways. It isn’t that I don’t know, it’s that I think it doesn’t want me to know or think about it….and it seems try to be as hidden as possible. I have seen how healers, even people who know how to remove entities will miss these because they are so dug in. Something is happening though; something is clarifying more and more.

 
Right after I saw its dim red flash indicating it’s presence on my right side down in my hip, I saw another light come in from about my heart chakra that was unlike any other light I have seen before. Normally when I close my eyes and see the flash of light of someone either feeling me or checking in, it’s a single well defined burst of light. I see them as being like starlight. some are big, some are small, but they always appear like that as thought reaches thought. I have learned to know who each light is over the years. I have known three such lights like this well, and they are all very different. Sometimes I can figure out who looks like what by simply sending a thought in a person’s direction and seconds later I see their colored light burst into view. The color reveals their soul’s essential vibratory rate. It is a lot like reading an aura. To see them I need to be relaxed, in the dark, and usually lying down. And no, this is not the effect that happens when you go into a darkened room where phosphene in the eyes shoot off creating bursts of light. These are different and most often happen up to an hour after going to bed. Plus, the lights are consistent in that they are the same size and color when I am thinking of that person. It’s like a projection of their thought energy and I’m just getting the end if the thread as this little burst that tells me who it is.

 
This “new” light was very different, though. It was larger, and it looked like it was composed of many smaller lights. I had never seen that before, so I watched it as it dove down towards the red light. It had the effect of seeing a light through a window screen with your face close to the screen. It created this effect of a tight cluster of golden light which, as I watched it, also looked like a distant candelabra in a cold room. Candles lit in cold conditions often quiver and pulse instead of being languid in their movement. As I gazed on it I knew what this was!

 
It was a seraph. A seraph means “fiery one” and the Seraphim are an ancient form of angelic being that has been described in Judaic thought as beings who surround God in their wings.And you might wonder how I made that connection. Well, when I looked at the many lights the movement and light spoke to me. It told me directly what it was. It was a direct transmission of energy.

 
For those of you who have followed my writing, you might recall my encounter with a being who revealed himself to me after what seemed to have been a 20 year absence, and who explained that he was a Seraphim. During my awakening, he had become visible to me again. The flash of pulsating fiery gold light was my angelic guide and protector emerging into my field of awareness again. As long as I had a certain person in my life, I was completely unable to see or feel him. But with my field clearing, he has begun making appearances again. To be honest, he has explained to me that he is with me all the time, I am his charge; it is I who does not always have the ability to feel him even though he is ever-present.

 
I watched his light as he plunged deep into my field and winked out. And then nothing. Huh. I continued with the meditation and drifted into sleep. Sometimes these events take place and then, boom, nothing. What I find is some kind of work is taking place just out of my range of awareness. Sometimes it becomes clear days, weeks, or months later.
And then there was last night.

 
I plugged in my headphones to my player and eased under my down comforter. I could feel it’s weight on my body, pushing me gently down. With the binaural beats coming in, I moved quickly into a deep state. I felt really relaxed, and happy. I have been getting so much done on my house getting it spruced up. I just felt very satisfied. And within seconds I began to feel it; the house began to shake. “Holy shit!” I thought, “there’s an earthquake!!” I laid in bed for what felt was thirty seconds as I felt the whole house vibrating in a trending vibration! I laid there, still deeply relaxed, waiting for plaster to begin breaking free from the ceiling, but there was not even the slightest whiff of dust.
I studied the vibration as it happened and I noticed how incredibly regular the tremors were. “My God, these vibrations are so perfectly spaced!” I had this thought rise in my mind that, you know, I probably ought to get up and try to get outside because I didn’t need to have my life end right then and there! I mean, I have been doing this exercise that has released so much of my fear over death, a practice or technique where I have literally purged fear of death from my cellular memory, with the perhaps unfortunate effect that I don’t feel very alarmed when “bad” things happen like oh, say, an earthquake!
As I lay there my guidance pointed out, “It’s too regular to be an earthquake…you are having a body quake…” And the joke was on me this time because for as real as that earthquake felt, as I studied it I realized that the source of the vibration was coming within me!

 
Was my body shaking? Was this like those early experiences in awakening when my body felt like it was being rung like a giant bell that had these deep repeating vibrations that shot through my whole being?

 
So it seems that something is unfolding, but I begin teaching again tomorrow, so who knows if my work will pause any of this very interesting work taking place.
As I lay there thinking about this and whether having this shady person no longer in my life has been allowing the veils to lift in my awareness I hear his voice explain, “Even when it’s someone else’s deceit in them, you can take it into yourself as if it is your own….but it is poison to all who dare drink of it!”
Live and learn…live and learn.

P.S. I’m all ready for school tomorrow and it’s time to get to bed, so it’s clothes out of the dryer and my things together for the big day. I’ll put the headphones on again and see where it takes me tonight. Fingers crossed!

This Thanksgiving I spent time making new friends and working on developing a Youtube series with my friend and gifted intuitive Alison on her island home off the coast of California.

One thing is for certain; you never know what will happen when Ali is in the mix.  I mean this in the best of ways. It all winds up feeling so perfect.  So real.  And so it was near the end of my visit that some friends came over for dinner and as the dinner seemed to be winding down, one of our guests made mention about how she didn’t know so much about the spiritual, not that she was afraid, she just felt like she didn’t have a third eye.  One of the guests mentioned how she had done a series of past life regressions with Ali and how wonderfully healing it had been.  Before you knew it, we were in the living room wrapping this lady up in blankets as Ali guided her down into the depths for an encounter with a past self. Easy, but it’s easy when you have someone who has the gifts Ali has to help guide and nudge when its necessary.

One thing that has become clear to me and that came up when we were watching a video that same weekend of an interview with a woman who has done countless regressions was that doing regression therapy is not that hard.  Our memories are all there, but resting deeper down inside of us, a place where we most often do not go so we rarely, if ever, encounter them on a conscious level.  With a little guided imagery and some deep relaxation, those memories begin to bubble up to the surface of awareness.

And so it was with our guest who lay quiet and still, breathing deeply and following Ali’s lead.  After only a few minutes, an image formed of a woman in a doorway.  This woman was the woman in a previous lifetime, and she stood continually at a door, neither here or there.  It turned out that she had a self who was stuck between lifetimes.  Ali guided the woman to begin to approach the woman, and as she did, she felt like she could not move.  She couldn’t move because both aspects of who she was as the woman in the door and as herself now we’re BOTH stuck, or seemed to be. Seems she only needed to decide not to be stuck in order to not be. Then, as she continued to try to approach the woman, she saw a spot begin to appear, which was a portal off to one side which had begun to open as she tried to help this woman, to find out why she was there in this room in a house.  Over a period of minutes the woman in the doorway moved into the tunnel and was taken into the light.  Immediately the woman felt great relief and began to see the funerary arrangements, the meal and the home of the woman she had been.  She sat up saying she felt 100 lbs lighter!

This encounter was one that helps a person to become “unstuck” both as the person they were as well as the person they are today in their current life since some aspects of that feeling of being stuck often haunts them in their present life.  Being able to do this work frees a person up and helps them to move on.  This process is called soul retrieval.  Some years ago Ali helped me with an aspect of this in one of our many talks together.  It turned out that there was a part of me that had become stuck when I was about ten years old.  The process was much the same in the after effects of feeling suddenly clearer and more integrated.  It was experiences like this along with the removal of emotional blocks through the cleansing effect of strong pranic flow (kundalini) that has had such a significant impact on my life as an agent of transformation.

The experience also showed me that I had a natural healing ability that I have always sought to sideline or put on hold because I felt that I needed to be as healed as possible before working with other people in a healing modality.  With my hands on our guest’s head, I felt energy flowing through me in such an easy way.  I identified that this was the same sort of energy that we use as healers for helping to bring about the changes that are healing moments.  My role was simply as support, but it was curious to me to see how as the woman began to describe that her past self had gone through the tunnel that the flow of energy through my hands had begun to wane moments before she described what was taking place as she looked on at the event unfolding before her.  It was one indicator to me that had a way of coming up over the course of the visit.  

Soul retrieval is claiming what is yours, a part of you that may have seemed inaccessible before the process began. By returning you to yourself, it is like a short circuit in your cosmic wiring is fixed so that an easier and more complete flow takes place. When we retrieve those lost parts, we allow them also to heal whatever it was that had them feeling stuck. But since they are us, we attain something that they become. Past life regression lets  the self help unstick it’s other selves…and sometimes when we encounter angels in other lives, it is sometimes an aspect of ourselves moving outside the confines of time and space to help bring change.
Kundalini, or strong prana, has had this effect for those who awaken. If you are going through this, you know how it stirs, helps you to feel those stuck places and as if by magic, and heal them. There are many pathways or means of doing this type of integration work that leaves us feeling more whole. I think it can also aid you even when awakening is stirring you. 
Sometimes we can get stuck in awakening, I have seen it happen often enough, and past life work is most often where the “source” of those stuck places we feel in us now that often make so little sense (because they aren’t from this lifetime), helping to release us, freeing us to move forward in a slightly more improved version of us. The bigger the healing, the bigger the leap into the higher self.
People who have had this experience often exclaim how the irrational fear they had went away when they realized that it was coming from another lifetime, or that one reason they are so good at something is because they have been at it for a number of lifetimes. A botanist in one life, a farmer in another, both with a keen interest in how to help plants grow. A slip off a cliff in one life might mean a powerful fear of heights (that might just go away once the memory is fully recognized).  So what do you think is your super power? Your achilles heel? What if I told you that regression therapy could help you integrate both while being able to emphasize the super parts while getting over the Achilles part?  

As I have been writing this post, I noticed that Ali is embracing her talent for helping people with past life regression work more and more (funny how that works!). She has done hundreds of these journies over the years, and her method came to her naturally in her intuitive work as a way to resolve patterns that were snagging her clients over the years. But recently she has begun to do more of this type of work, and it’s prompting me to go ahead and publish this now so that if you want to explore this aspect of yourself, you can get in early. The great thing is, she helps to make it easy. When you work with an intuitive like Alison, its like having someone who is one step ahead, guiding you even as the waters might seem uncertain. Its a great way to do this work.

To learn more, contact Ali at avaloncmaiden@yahoo.com or speak with her at The Spa At Catalina at 310-510-9255 and let her know I sent you. 

Merry soulful journies!

What do you think awakening will be?
It will be what you are.
If your life is lived in fear
It will be that fear.
It can be what you choose
you were never a prisoner
or so incapable.
It can be grandeur
and awe can bathe you
clearing shadow
transforming it
into light.
But how you are is what it will be
and your choice is just that powerful.
You can choose to live in ignorance
you can live in the light.
There is no honor nurturing wounds
only in realizing that they were never the biggest and best in you.
A bud blooms in my chest—
nothing else need make any sense but this
the guiding light
the spreading wonder
that this has become.

It can be this and more for you,
and still more…
which is enough.

I will tell you straight and true that I do not think of Christ’s birth this time of year because with the consciousness he sought to impart, which has awoke in me leaves me at odd ends with the way followers chose to tell the story and how it lives ever-present in me. The Christ within has a different story to tell me.

When I think of his birth, I have never seen a child born in Winter but who was carried on the promise of Spring. Christ, my Christ, was a life cast in a message of rebirth, renewal, and boundless vigor, hope, wonder, and expansive possibility. For this is how Christ has healed as it has entered my life.
As a result, I can’t think of his life beginning in the dead cold nights, even though the fables say it so. I am his close companion and he says he is as much a he as he is a she…which is the deeper mystery no one dares speak for fear of being called a heretic or blasphemer…

Historians point out that there was a supernova that occurred in the Spring of his birth year. It was a bright star shining for a time in the night sky that may have been the portent the magi used to get them looking for a king not of our world, but the one who sits with his queen enthroned in a kingdom few seem to describe well, apart from the bliss they heap upon those who enter the secret bridal chamber. But so scandalous was that idea that no mention of it was to be found in the canonical Gospels. I could almost forgive them for not knowing. It was, though, the only apt image to describe what happens when that dove descends.

It’s that it’s a reality that isn’t seen or known well, that it’s less about being prim and proper as it is about a sensuality that is explosive…and I have always been left at odd ends when I hear words like the pagan Rumi instead of Mark or Luke echoing in my being.

So I am thrilled to let Christmas be….to let the event it has always been just BE, which is a way to break up the cold night in order to share good food and celebration with family and friends. It’s just that it’s an earthy festivity to do this and stop pretending we even know what our fables try to tell us is even true…

The mystery of Christ runs so deep and asks so much of us, but it asks only once it has penetrated to the very depths of us and whispers how it is there to take us whole, in order to redeem us in the great incandescence that is the love of the Source, our tripartite God, our Trinity where the goddess is shrouded as the holy ghost….and we go eagerly, consumed as we are from the start.

So like a pagan I enjoy Christmas for its earthy pleasure whilst feeling Christ alive in me rioutus and sensual, still and deep, using all of me to reveal the greatest of mysteries to me that I can scarcely explain or describe….
So I don’t. Or if I do, I do so so feebly that it’s like a joke that I even try. For me, it’s almost enough to sink back into that incandescent depth and have a sip of wine. Well, almost enough.

I await what I know was your birth in Spring, which is the same as my own. Born on the cusp of when everything turns green and springs into life and leaps up in promise and unbridled joy, I find your physical echo firm and sure, simple, and quite lovely.

So you can call me a sinner or lost soul if you must, but I am hardly moved by lessons so poorly formed in our past, the fables hardly pass the test for truth, or even poetry. I meet my Christ in Spring as we both run naked in flowering woods unafraid and with no spit of shame, just like the children he described when he was alive and staring onto our world. He says it was as though  whispered  because it was in his day a blasphemy; I am one with the father and the mother….
These two, who merge in us and create the sacred third, the cosmic consciousness, the Christ consciousness have as their means a union of their seeming opposites to birth the transcendent in us.
They are the cosmic lovers who beget us when we each become Christs. We come about by way of their begetting, their cosmic love which we come to know as our own birthright. This was the good news so many sought to change and fudge and clean up because of shame. We come about spiritually by way of a spiritual begetting. This was much to big and too shameful an admission for the early church fathers to admit so they hid it and chose a version of the truth. Winks.
I try to make peace with this past as I live in the vibrant wave that fills me and has remade me, and continues to do its work as my devotion only deepens for its great work.

That is how lovely my Christmases are….

Let the small love do for now

it leads you to a deeper love
rivulets lead to torrents
and rivers run out to the sea.

Let love lead you
go blind and follow down blind alleys and heart break 
until there is nothing left but a bigger love
which yawns widely
consuming you
taking you into itself
as it shows you it’s bliss
orgasmic,
alive,
eternal,
forever new.

Let the small lead you to its inevitable course,
to flow into the larger
so that you are led into an ever greater love
that no one could imagine exists.
But this love sets up shop
like lovers who are unafraid of making their love 
right in front of you,
in the bathroom
the living room,
the park
temple
and office.
They are there,
unafraid to be within you
wherever you are
going at it
and sharing this sweet orgasmic experience with you.
These two have lost their shame
long ago
and visit us each
as revealer
of how Creation is
beyond our breathing world….

Let it lead you.
It will trick you
until you learn
that it is first inside you
as a creek empties into its river
and fish become platelets 
and water turns to salt 
and salt into wine….

Let it take you
show you
and why it wants you
to follow.

It is not an emotion
but a force of nature
this love.
It is not for a thing
but occupies us
a revealer of our truth
of both our dark and light….
but by being it’s follower,
it’s crazy saddhu,
we are remade by it
and become the consumate lover
of all.
Not for a thing,
we become that love
and become the force we were all along.
It is a crazy crash of a love
that tears down illusion
leaving the eager lips
and consumate heart 
as it’s center
turning ’round endlessly 
wondering what is the point
until we realize
it is in just being it.
By being just that
the noblest truth is owned
not borrowed,
felt to the marrow
no fakery here.
To love because you are love
is the hardest path
because there is nothing else
to turn to—
not anger
or fear
or jealousy
or lies….
because it cannot tolerate anything else but it’s relentless drive to the Center….
Only one great truth remains
and it has hid itself in you
so that your lips last for only that love 
and your heart is aflame for nothing else but it.
Who else can you love then?
The bar raised so high
only the universe can pick the one
when all else is shed
and you wander seemingly alone
in a world filled with lovers who feel it for a thing.

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