Growing up, I spent a lot of my life trying to live under the radar as it concerns the true life I have lived. I’d like to say its been mundane, but it hasn’t been. I think I just wanted to fit in, to be understood, but knew also that something great dwells in all of us and I grew up seeing it. 

But I did try to hide what I was. 
I felt I wouldn’t be accepted if the world knew. I struggled with it as a child, just wanting love and acceptance while spending time looking between the world’s as I witnessed souls coming and going into and out of our physical world. It’s not the things children ever seemed to talk about. Church itself lacked any real acknowledgement of the magic our souls possess, save for an idea that we survive death in order to be judged for one life or another.

I was driven to art growing up, driven inevitably because it was, as John Cocteau described it,  not a pastime, but a priesthood. It was a priesthood without the dogma. I liked that because something in me said that whatever this thing was that I was seeking was larger than mere religion with all of its views and beliefs. 

How do I tell you that what I knew then was knowable without a shred of belief? If it was real, why would we need belief? I had already seen that we were more than just this. 
Science, for all its benefits in how to see and judge rationally, had itself become just as much a dogma as Christianity had. Unless you had been inducted into the Order, you were not considered fit to be a proper researcher. My skin crawled just thinking about it. I knew that none of this was anything anyone would, or could understand…let alone the heaping doses of conditioning the entire human system heaped upon itself in order to BE something. I couldn’t speak my truth because my truth was little more than a laughable heresy.

This desire to be accepted continued into my adult life as I found myself believing that I had to capitulate when it came to a mate, a wife, a partner. There was no one else like me. A few had come close, but not anyone who was safe to be with. So I still got someone who really didn’t know nor even care about this world that I had carefully hidden in a pocket within my heart. My own wife would make fun of the times I pulled out what I knew. And to be true…and to be honest, it hurt. It hurt knowing there wasn’t a person on this planet who got it enough to simply honor it, even if they didn’t understand or relate to it. 

It wasn’t surprising in hindsight that I would trigger awakening by pulling out that immensity from that pocket inside of me,  my own great secret. It was no surprise then  that when I pulled it out, holding it in my hand that Summers day in 2006 asking it, “What are you? What do you mean?” that I would get my questions answered. 
It was perhaps the contrast that I felt in its great life and presence and the lack of it in others that led me to feel fear in the beginning when it’s immensity began to move through me. It was something I feared being revealed because I had been destroyed for having it before. I feared it’s being revealed because it was not something I was doing but was being done to me, and that dear humans sounds like delusional madness. 

In some distant life, there was a ghost of me who was not at peace because he had died for having it. 
I learned not to depend on those whom I loved to understand my new condition. I was quite prepared already for how my then-wife who would criticize and even demonize me for it. 

My secret revealed to me in dream how it would go down, and at the time I didn’t realize that the dream was prophetic. I’m not saying poor me, I am recognizing I never did the right thing to begin with. My own fear caused me to be dishonest about the single most central thing in my life: me. So I can hardly be sad that someone would do to me what she did. I had slid under the radar. And yet,  it wasn’t that she didn’t know. She saw evidence of how I could read an energy in a room or pick up on things I had no way of knowing, that subtle understated sense of knowing. But she too didn’t want to be thought of as a loony person by virtue of having married someone like me. And perhaps her own fear rivalled my own that caused her to be so ruthless and unkind. Everyone has a struggle within that they are battling every single day. Our need to be accepted trump’s our own inner truth, and this always leads to neither truth nor acceptance.

The hurt I invited into my life, which spawned fresh new trauma created experiences with people who were just as dishonest with me as I had been about myself. It has been hard knowing just how deep the deception and the lies go in them. A voice inside of me asks, “But do you have to be dishonest about who you are?” It asks this just as I feel it’s presence motion to a door that represents my entry into a new phase of my life…a phase where I destroy the magnetic pull of the dishonest actor in my life by simply healing it in me. I feel or realize in that moment what the guides have said from the time they assembled into my life, that the change is only as hard as we each make it. Whatever seems hard to change is the thing we really don’t want to change. Our trials and sorrows are just so much more important than the simplicity of freedom. But with freedom, what then? Truth is, we are addicted to our tribulations and they stay with us until we grow sick and tired of them. Infinite beings bellyaching just as I have just done as we stand before the gateway to freedom!

You know how people are drawn to the wrong kind of people all because their subconscious is still magnetized in the direction of whatever it is that trips them up in life?  Those attractants keep going until the change is made deep within us. Such an inability keeps us seemingly unable not to attract all the right influences. At its root lies not a fear of what others have done to us, but what we have done to ourselves. It is perhaps why so few step onto this path because it can reveal that it’s really about no one else but you. 

So no more hiding out or pretending. No more hiding my light. No more bullshitting myself, and honestly, no more bullshit from those who lie either.

I know we each form an elegant tapestry of effects in our world when we each are brave enough to follow our souls purpose here.
I’ve never been one for New Year resolutions, but I have always been one for resolve when it’s done in an authentic way. Writing has been a way for me to be myself, but it’s going to be more inclusive now in my life. I’m tired of the lie…and I am now tired of the lies told in my name. It’s a dirty old merry go round and it’s going to stop.

I have been, though, amazingly blessed in my life with the things that didn’t get caught in the net of my own inner hiding from the world. I am set now to leverage this blessing and transmute it to help me build the life I was meant to live.

Nothing can stand in your way when you have aligned to this truth…

I haven’t lived an ordinary life. I began seeking ardently at about age nine. I had already had so many things happen that it bred in me a knowing that there was more. I grew up seeing energy and my dream time allowed me adventure after adventure into the realm that let me be free the most. I dreamed of future events, every president that would be elected, and large world events before they happened. I ferried those who had died into the next life. I was trained alongside another from our world to do this work. I have discovered how delusional our beliefs about the world can make us, and I have seen the very source of what karma is. I have seen a lot of false prophets, but I also know most of them are simply lacking in awareness and that those with the least of it are what we call monsters. 

I have visited a world I longed to return to, feeling marooned here in this world until I finally embraced the wonder that it is to be human. And still, I sometimes long for that great place with pink sands and deep immense oceans…even though I suspect that it is a world long since scoured of life by now…

I know of still more events that will come to pass, and that the biggest of them was foretold in a vision I had in an earlier life as a native American. It was the earliest of my recollections from my past. I have seen that our own stories are not merely plodding life after plodding life, but that it’s part of chapters that are necessary because of the short lives we humans live. Those chapters form a rich tapestry that is not woven by accident, but through design. The traumas and unfortunate events in our lives were made to help each of us face a fundamental truth about who we are deep down, and we keep returning until we are able to face that it was about no one else except us. 

Many get upset when I say this, wondering what divine design there is in having such a difficult life….but the human spirit is yearning all the while to break open its own self-imposed falsehoods in order to touch the liberating light that is much within them that is seeded through every other thing that is. We feel uneasy in the presence of words like “falsehood” but you should get used to it because you will likely have to deal with it in your own life if your awakening is to mean much of anything. 

I suppose the only difference is I am aware of it and my impulse is to head right into its Maelstrom eagerly because I know that “it” is the only real thing there is, the rest are details and the mask of lies we wear because of our fear. All of this could be different. It could, and maybe it will. But regardless, this is and seems to have always been a burning world. Don’t labor over trying to quench the fire. Just exit the great lie. Exit and know a great peace. The door is within you. You decide. It is still a burning world, but you don’t have to be consumed by it.

You could think I’m just in a rough tussle with myself, but in truth I’m just feeling impatient. I’m impatient with myself and my excuses. I’m impatient over my tender side-stepping just for the sake of others whose own need to play the victim has worn thin. It’s worn thin in me, too. I have not been happier though, a tender brilliant joy that rises up seeking the light like the lotus as it rises from the muck. So if you think I’m here today to offer you some great pearl of wisdom, truth be told, any pearl I find is my own, and it won’t ever gleam so brightly as it does right now in my own eyes. I’m saying that it doesn’t matter what life I lived to anyone except me. It won’t matter to anyone about your own story either, but that’s not why you or I are here. We are each gifted with waking the infinite and we each have to come to peace with the reality that it’s just that simple. No one ever saved this burning world by rushing into the flames to save people. They have all quietly sat out in the cool meadows of their own inner paradise and smiled because this peace is just that sweet.
No, if there is anything I can tell you, it’s to be ruthless with yourself. Be ruthless in the truth of who you are, realizing also that as the years pass and the veil gets pulled slowly back, you might change and might need to be patient with yourself when that time comes. It’s a burning world and you no longer need to pretend that you are a victim of anything except your own free choice. And even that can be turned over and the doorway opened…just saying it could make it happen.

Nemaste 

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