NOTE: This is JUST my experience. I write this just to store away in the back of your mind. I don’t think we have a lot of material listed to show how deeper blocked material might be experienced. My experience wont necessarily be yours. FYI.
You become practiced in energy work when you awaken. Before I awoke, I had been seeing and sensing energy for decades. Seeing and sensing energy in the way I did had already become second nature by the time awakening hit. But when awakening came, the depth to which I sensed energy tripled….that is how it felt. As though my sensitivity went through the roof rafters. And it can be disconcerting. Like turning up the volume on your stereo, not realizing it had as high a setting. And along with awakening comes the understanding that this energy is shaking you up, winnowing away the chaff of your inner life. Its a blessing, even when it can be hard. And sometimes, it can seem like its the worst, only to find it resolves into a non-event as whatever it is that is released as old stored pent-up material goes “poof” into the ether. Gone. Not just gone, but no longer affecting you like it has for since forever. So this is the backdrop against which this post is made.
Since awakening I have noted that I have had four passes of the energy through my heart center. The energy body is made up of five known layers or dimensions. These the Hindu call “Kosha” and the term suggests the sheaths or layers of a plant like an onion. We all experience this peeling away of the layers. As kundalini does its work, it goes deeper and deeper.
It has been my experience that the deeper stuff, the later stuff, is the most difficult of all. Kundalini works through the path of least resistance. Its the fastest and most effective way to reorder the self and clear out the mass of junk buried in the psyche. But as a result, the most stubbornly held material is the last to go. With the material thus far released, I am rounding the corner to the last few dragons, the significant energetic blocks in my energy body, the meridians of the Chinese practitioners and the naddis of the Hindu.
I am passing this along for those of you who are going through this…..not to say that this is an inevitable outcome, but only as a cautionary tale. We are all different, so your mileage can differ. But I want to put it up for you to keep in the back of your mind in case you find yourself down to the last parts of the more difficult material and feel lost in it.
First, this process can be as easy or as hard as you make it. Trust me, I have made it hard for myself some times. And yet, also, the hardness can sometimes serve to be the catalyst for release, too. It’s not to say that suffering is necessary. We are ready to let it go when we are done with the punishment we dole out to ourselves by the way we choose to feel, you know?
It turns out that the last material is largely located in solar plexus and root chakras. What we know is that the root has a sympathetic vibration that corresponds to emotional issues related to nurture, abundance, and sexuality. This is felt in both the positive and negative aspects. The solar plexus, which has more to do with the self and the will, this center has a sympathetic vibration with the psychology of the self, and our identity and also aspects of self worth. This is also pro and con, so it can go in both directions. In my work, I focus on the negative aspects in order to root them out since these always serve to be the substance of blockages in my energy body. The light side always takes care of itself, supporting my own inner work.
In the last few months, there has been an almost unnoticed shift from root to solar plexus and back again. And something is happening. It is also one of the more difficult of issues simply because I think they touch on things from this life….early life, and thus more fresh. It also means that when I feel into that space, it’s harder than all the other blocks so far. I have begun to cultivate a sense of awareness that observes these feelings in myself calmly when I can and sometimes I just feel embroiled other times. Slowly, I remind myself that this is a block and that beyond this block lies a better way to be even if I don’t know what this better way even feels like. I do know, though, that when I feel some fear or terror move through me, or some horrible emotion that is part of the blocked material, I consider how intense it is and tell myself that the light side of this energy is that it will be as blissful as this feeling is rough and hard.
I ask myself what this might feel like. And then I remind myself that something really good lies up ahead. While I am calm I can “read” all of the emotions to see where they are coming from. I can also see how they have affected me throughout my life, which shows up as a kind of blueprint or list of associated information about the feeling (its kind of weird because this has only presented itself since awakening—it feels like I have a library of information now to go through and I just have to simply focus on it and I will begin to “feel” the information first in my body and then translated in a way I can understand). I see all the instances where I reacted to the blocked material and how it has hurt others, and how it has hurt me, and I also feel how the different parts of the blocked material spans out through my life and sometimes where it originates (although this often comes up AFTER I have released the block).
I find that I pray. A lot. I ask to be shown a new way through this and all the other things that may come up to clear away….that I am ready for a different way….even if there is some crazed maniac running around inside my psyche who seems to have the keys to the asylum. I am listening without a desire to prejudice myself with what it is I think I am hearing.
Sometimes it is messy. It FEELS messy sometimes, and I simply let it feel that way. I accept it as that. Sometimes its downright heavy emotion dealing with how deplorable I have allowed myself to feel….but I also know that dining on ashes doesn’t solve anything either.
Some of the recent sensations, energetically, have also gotten so vivid….much more vivid than previously. I have actually returned to the fear I felt in the beginning of awakening where I am afraid I might be getting sick. I am, oddly, feeling a new layer of an old issue that has followed me throughout awakening that has involved my stomach and intestinal track. In some cases, the prana has itself been so strong that it has upset my digestion (which is not at all uncommon a thing), but lately, the sensations have been related to something different, which, of course, is the concern. This is where if symptoms get the best of you, go to a doctor to get it checked out. My concern right now is over getting a diagnosis that I just don’t have the means to deal with right now. I say this less as a way to deny what is happening, but because, honestly, I suspect that I may have reversed a disease already through the course of awakening. I know how that sounds. And I have resisted even writing about it. Ask anyone who knows me and my process, none of them will have heard peep from me about this one issue. And I have resisted saying anything because of how it sounds. But I will preface this little side-track with the fact that doctors and researchers have actually seen what happens when an illness is reversed through the will of the mind. In his book, The Divine Matrix, author Greg Braden describes a case where doctors watched how a tumor didn’t reverse itself, but actually “poof” disappeared. This phenomenon was observed by a number of witnesses, and it took place as a result of the patient being willing to accept a new outcome. I ask the question: how may times have we healed ourselves of a cancer without ever knowing we have done so, simply because in the collection of beliefs and feelings and thoughts, we came upon a change that favored a different body chemistry or even a completely new path entirely. Poof!
This is not something I have ever written or even talked about to anyone until just recently. But quickly, A year before awakening came along, I had been having this pain that came and went that was in my shoulder area. It wasn’t actually In the shoulder, but near it. it felt like it was in the upper lung, almost like something was aching deep down. I had a chance conversation with someone who taught one of my kids at the school they went to. She talked about how her father had died of lung cancer and that it had caught him and everyone completely by surprise. We had been talking about how she had lost her father in the last few years, and I think it was fresh enough that she added a lot of detail to her story.
She explained that her father had been having this pain in his shoulder area that came and went and then finally got so bad that he went to see a doctor. That was when they found a cancer that had developed to a stage where there was really nothing they could do about it. They tried, but in the end, with the cancer so far advanced, he passed. And it was pretty quick, too. This worried me at the time because what I had been feeling was the same thing, but I did the stupid thing probably, which was I didn’t have it looked at. No scans or x-rays. I had a father who had died of cancer and his mother had also died from cancer.
But during awakening some interesting things took place.
One of them was when a being came into my room, a being who explained to me that he was my guide or protector. He then performed what I can only describe as a kind of psychic surgery on my energy body that involved pulling something out that looked dead. Up until this took place, I had been having some severe pain in my upper torso….pain severe enough to give me concerns that I might actually have lung cancer. There. I said it.
But after the angelic being visited me, most of the pain went away. Within weeks. When I got up the next day, I felt as though two spots in my upper lungs had a tender spot, a kind of tender you might feel if something had been pulled away….maybe a growth or something. This persisted as a sensation for a few weeks and went away completely.
That was seven years ago and the sharp deep pain has never returned. Oh, and I also DID have an x-ray just in case. This was after all of the hub-bub I have just described. The picture was clean and clear. Of course, there is no way I will ever be able to know or prove that I made any change in my physiology. I was just not willing to dive deep into that mud hole and invite another problem to weigh me down at a critical time when my life was going through such change. Fact is, with lung cancer, you have to catch it early. Anything less than early results in a dim prognosis.
So it is against this backdrop that I am now currently experiencing this next round of symptoms and issues. Not in a position to pay for the scans and the diagnostics right now, I have dropped deep into my body and felt into what this thing is telling me. And yes, it does speak to me. It’s not a rational kind of conversation, though, which is important to understand. The question I ask myself is do I prefer to use my resources that I do have to continue the healing work and turn this around using body chemistry matched to the heart and mind? For now, the answer is yes.
Recently, just days ago, I had the most inexplicable allergic reaction, and its proximity to the emotional work I am going through makes it most curious. It was so far out of left field that it stands out as an anomaly. I have not been able to identify what it is that I might have eaten, nor have I been able to identify if there is anything in my environment that I would have had such a sudden and strong reaction to. For the first time in my life my body has come alive with hives of all things. They have been present for days now, and the first morning I treated the swelling with Pau d’Arco bark, which is a very useful anti-inflammatory. It helped. But it did not get rid of the hives. I have never been allergic to anything pre-awakening. But since then I have developed mild allergies to some foods, but nothing that results in anything other than scaling of skin or discolorations of the skin (not hives, though). I have never gotten the feeling like my throat was closing up. So to feel this is rather unusual. And of course, it could be that my body has grown sensitive to this mystery substance, whatever it is, and yet……it feels like it is hand-in-glove with the changes taking place in awakening. In fact, the last week I have felt into a much deeper place in this last bit of material and it has resulted in putting me in a new kind of place. Unable to make heads or tails of it, I simply watch. No freaking out. Just watch this, no matter where it leads.
My sense, though, is that as soon as I am able, I will be getting some diagnostic work done because I think that even with a diagnosis of something troubling, I will be able to handle it. But I think that one thing that could be expected is that symptoms that are energetic might get stronger….and its a good time to check with your doctor. You just never know. Uncertainty is not always something we can handle in the midst of this kind of unraveling. Its uncertain enough as it is, right?
Waking The Infinite 