For those experiencing awakening, I have an observation made over and over that came to roost a few days ago.  To set it up properly, I should explain that I have been moving into a state of incredible bliss over the course of several days.  I move in and out of it now that I am not sitting in a state of pure ecstasy (I have things to do!) so I move around and do ordinary things and this means moving in and out in order to do things like take my change and converse with people and make some semblance of sense.

It has been the result of realizing that I was allowing people in my field that actually had the effect of creating a great deal of static.  Thing is, this kind of association can happen and then… just stays there.  What is so interesting is how I was looking through my dream journals and remembered how I had a dream that initiated  a freeing up of my own energy field. This was almost 20 years ago, and it was something that I had not been completely aware had happened.  I did feel like I had been weighed down, but I was not aware that someone had camped out in my energy.  For a few years I just never really felt like myself….until the dream happened where I was aware that I was shooting up into the upper atmosphere on a rocket.  This rocket was my own energy. It was quite the ride.  But in the midst of this experience, I became aware that within me, like a shell within a shell, was this other person.  She didn’t really belong there anymore….and I could feel the shell of her awareness become more acute until like a stage on the rocket, she just slipped away.  The end result was that I was soaring again under my own power.

Something similar had happened not long ago, and it has taken considerable effort to clear the way. As people who feel the world from the inside out, having someone obsessively thinking about you can be difficult sometimes for the simple fact that you can feel it….and you have to really be clear about where you are so as not to get dragged down into something that is simply not your own.  This isn’t about being unavailable, but about knowing the integrity of your own field of awareness.  For healers, this kind of awareness and clarity is really important.  Blocking influences isn’t the answer.  You simply have to be clear.  Healed. It means no hooks in your field to snag you.  It is relentless work.

In the wake of this, my field has done a flip.  Suddenly I have myself.  This resulted in a whole slew of things happening quite quickly.  One was being drenched in bliss.  The other was a meltdown emotionally that pointed me toward work that I need to do.  In the midst of this happening, I seemed to have a renewed awareness of what needed doing.

Up until the meltdown, I was doing fabulous, and feeling like a million in my deep state of nirvana.  I am painting and sanding and weeding and nothing could be more golden or blessed or wonderful.  Then I am going through some old voicemails and I find one that I never listened to. Back in April.  And its my ex.  She is doing what she usually does, which is turning most anything that inconveniences her into a problem and a reason to tell my child (who is with me at the time) why it is that I am such a loser and why she just had to divorce me.  Truth be told, I lived with a person who was emotionally abusive not just of me, but of my children.  It was a really shitty situation that I often have to relive at unexpected times with this person who is just…..shitty.  Right?  But this shittiness has legs…or tentacles, and they move through me into my past and make me aware of where they go.  A few years ago, this would have just blown me over.  Now, I am getting tired of it.  I am tired of how bullies have ruled my world.  And quite frankly, the only thing that has ever worked has been the threat of punishment from some outside authority or being revealed for what they are.

So the meltdown comes and I go into it and am appalled by this.  In fact, I can feel myself sink into a mess that is just horrible.  I find that I am doing what I can to stem the tide of yuckiness, and its working, but I am feeling bad because, well, here I am for the thousandth time feeling this really shitty feeling of sadness about all of this.

Its right in here that something kind of amazing happens.

Over a period of a few more days, as I am trying to get back to normal, something comes up out of all of this.  And yes, it can take me days to get back to normal.  This sounds kind of loopy, right? But as it turns out, this lady I married was a dead-ringer for someone who abused me as a kid.  It has created this net of awareness in my mind about all of these people and how it is that while there are really shitty people in the world, we alone decide how we react to them. I don’t know that I could have responded differently to the man who abused me because of just how big he was and how little I was, but I know well how it is that I fell silent and how I fell silent while married, too, a very curious kind of behavior.  But this isn’t really what I am here to tell you about….its the deeper stuff….which is really quite amazing I think.

So I am moving through this stuff and then out of nowhere I feel a center of calm.  I take it in while I am doing some plaster work in an upstairs bedroom.  As I am doing this and thinking deep and feeling into it with what I call the no-thought channeling of information, I am struck by something rather interesting.

I am being shown how it is that we get hung up in relationships and I am being shown the source of these problems as it goes all the way back to the beginning of beginnings with us.  When I say source, I  mean the SOURCE of our problems as a species.  Don’t think there is a single source for our troubles here?  I think a few moments before having seen this, I would have not guessed so either.

I can’t explain to you what this place is, except that it is not duality. It is not a place because it is not physical, but we do come from it. It is where we seem to emerge from to come to this reality.  I am being shown how it is that physical reality is actually designed to take the pure Tao and divide it into two seemingly opposite parts. I am hearing in my head that this is how its done.  Forget life, there isn’t even any kind of physical PHENOMENON without this neat little trick that the ALL does with itself, this world we call physical reality.  This is so basic that it goes all the way down to how light travels, how energy behaves, how atoms are ordered, how subatomic particles are held together to make atoms….and atoms to make molecules.

Its showing me how we literally did divide, but that this divide has been poorly understood.  Many teachers have caught onto it….and it is the source of the twin ray and twin soul and soulmate concepts. There is this part of you that is out there that you have to find because then you will be complete.  But just so you know, when I awoke, I awoke with the sense of this other person.  Over time I was able to figure out who she was, where she lived.  I had already seen her home and what it looked like.  THAT was a very unusual time, indeed!  And the simplest answer at the time was that this person I felt inside of me was my twin soul. When I was sixteen I had the image of my soul dividing and one part going one way around the reincarnational cycle and the other went in the other directions…presumably to meet in the middle.  So when I awoke, it was natural to think maybe this is it.  In many ways,  I had been looking for this my whole adult life.  I felt silly, even more silly if I ever even told anyone about it because after looking and looking for years, I knew I had not found it.  But in awakening, when I could feel this person so closely, so intimately, and all from such a distance, I was reminded of this vision many years in the past.  I actually thought that perhaps the concept of the twin was real.

Except she wasn’t.  Nor were the next couple of people who I wound up feeling connected to.  But this thing that is taking place inside of me is explaining something really important, which is the nature of what we are in relationship to the ALL.  We ARE this ALL.  We are.  And not just that, but we are also individual. As a result, we have this thing called freewill.  It has been as a result of this one important distinction in our creation, that so many things have taken place that have been big surprises.  We continue to seek ardently for that other just as long as we are divided from that other part of ourselves.  Turns out, this other part of us has been in us all along.  I am being shown how a powerful divide sexually creates the greatest kind of yearning.  Balance this, and the divide is so less obvious.  the yin and yang begin to come into greater and greater balance. Does this mean that we are to become androgynes?  Well, here is the thing, the people who spoke the most about awakening outside of the eastern traditions were the Gnostics and they were all talking about how those who had this thing happen to them, the Kingdom, would actually become androgynes.  This means that the masculine and feminine aspects would become more balanced.

None of this is actually dealing that much with sexual orientation, but rather, the characterstics OF CONSCIOUSNESS  in human beings.  This also has a lot to do with our physiology in terms of how the pranic force is “divided” in the body and sets up a polarity that we call yin and yang, lunar and solar, female and male. The challenge for us is that we tend to crave the opposite of us.  This craving can lead to trouble if the inner work has not been done.  Its a rats nest of trouble if you think that its perfect straight out of the box. Unfortunately, it isn’t. The dopamine in our bodies gives us a wonderful feeling of nirvana, but feeling is not being.  Learning how it is that we can heal ourselves and overcome the past that is still living in us is perhaps one of the biggest challenges of this whole experience.  And yet?  Yet, this is where the action is.  It is where self discovery exists.  It is where we learn how we are a mirror to the cosmos.

The end point to all of this was suspended as I had to do a number of different chores today, but now I am basking in the rest of the lesson being delivered, which is how to find true and lasting peace, we really do have to work all of this out for ourselves.  Until we do that, whatever hitch we have in our makeup, we will attract based on that, whatever it is.

The way to do this work involves having the means to dig really deep into the self.  Most people are unable to do this kind of work.  Its possible, though, and I am convinced that it takes a certain type of chemistry to get it going and to sustain it.  this chemistry is possible to generate in your own body, but it takes some work to get there.  At the end of the dayl it is the chemistry of bliss.  It is this state or condition that naturally allows for brain plasticity to continue and to rewire the brain so that old connections are lost forever.  It also allows for a deeper somatic response in the body, all the way down to the tips of nerves and into the atoms and cells of the body.  Talk about deep ecstasy and bliss!  It goes all the way down into these places and you can FEEL it.  It is in such a state that anything is possible for you to happen. You can then direct your attention towards, say, why you have trouble with a given issue, and because of how fluid the body and mind is now, your subconscious boundaries will be so thin that the answer will come so quickly.

So I think that awakening is itself a critical tool for us to make sense of ourselves.  There is just so much stuff to get through. There is a LOT of it, and we need these concentrated periods in life that will allow us to throw off this stuff that has kept us less than free.  Its hard to know the depth of all of this when you are gleefully unaware, but as anyone in a therapists office often asks, how do I get into this stuff to heal it?

Well, one thing is for sure; you can’t heal it by just talking about it. You have to face into the light or shadow.  And then allow yourself to finally feel whatever it was that you set aside.  Doing this is the bravest thing….

So the title was a bit of a trick.  The real truth is that you have to learn to love all of yourself first.  Just do that and then come back and tell me if you think there are twins out there….

Good luck!