Archives for the month of: August, 2015

serveimageNOTE:  Many think that tantra or Heiros Gamos is about sex.  Thinking this is like thinking that the gate that you open to go out for a walk is actually the journey. It isn’t.  It is a part of it, yes, but certainly it is not the whole story.  The story is about how our energy expands beyond this dimension into a multidimensional reality, which is what and where we exist in ALL TIME.  We are not JUST our bodies here.  We are much more.  But to understand what this more is, you must first understand the light body, the pranic body, and the bliss body.  These bodies are in truth part of an integrated whole, aspects of something that most do not experience to their fullest potential while here on earth (we are working on that, though). That is because most people are so focused in their physical senses that they lose sight of the dominion beyond the sensory world.  And really, the senses only make up a small part of what you and I are capable of.  But it is this ignorance that leads to thinking that tantra is about sex, or that the divine marriage is about sex.  It is actually about our capacity to experience bliss, whether incarnate or not. What do you think you will use to experience all the things you are so used to experiencing in the physical when you are no longer made of flesh and bone?  Being immortal, we go beyond this one body and time and experience.  “Above” us in “larger” dimensions what we call sexual bliss here exists as something that has expanded in dimension and is already something similar to, but distinctly different from physical sexual energy.  And lying alongside sexual energy is creative energy, which is not that different in its effects on us.  Many creatives can FEEL the bliss that turns sexual when creativity is at its peak.  Many have written and spoken about it.  Not everyone feels or experiences it, though.

This post is not about sex, and yet in a certain aspect, it is.  It is what happens when sexual energy is traced beyond its expected terrain or surround (one which we mistakenly think is THE definition of it as we see it in our world).  This is how one energy expands outward like a pyramid into infinity, ever-expanding in scope and power.  Hence, by riding the powerful current of creative and sexual energy it is possible to know these realms within, and in so doing, it can illuminate you to who and what you are in a larger context.  Yes, it is bliss, but imagine bliss that has been refined and then distilled.  This is higher-order energy. We CAN experience this here.  He can pull the rug of heaven down and step upon its warp and know its spaces and purposes.  We CAN inherit the god and goddess because they exist within us in our multidimensional aspects. To get there, you let go of all that you think you are and just BE.  It is a genuine thing, and it can lead you to realization and freedom.  The energy itself has the power to move mountains in your world because what moves a grain in the world of a god or goddess is what moves a world in our own.  You will see that Thales, the Presocratic philosopher, discerned it right:  “All things are full of gods [and goddesses]”

UPDATE:  After working on this post, I came across an image of Inanna, mentioned in the following post.   Images of her likenesses show up early in the post below.  Three days after working on cleaning up the image that I used, I walked into a gallery and found in the basement of this gallery an Inanna sculpture exactly like the ones shown below.  Here I had not seen an Inanna image like the ones shown below before and then walk up to one that is thousands of years old from a time when the goddess was revered and worshiped. These things happen all the time, though.  Inanna is staging a comeback, I think!

With that in mind, the post….

The pagans of Gaul and Britain had enough in their trove of symbology for us to suspect that they knew about Heiros Gamos.  And while they may not have used the same term, there is enough floating around in the form of jewelry, and pictographs for us to suspect strongly that they had a god/goddess duality taking place in their rituals and ceremonies.  That the word even exists is itself proof of our awareness that it exists less as an abstraction and more as a collective reality that touches us all.  The maxim “as above, so below” applies, which is that as we experience in our world, it is a lower dimensional version of a larger reality.  But what is this thing we call  Heiros Gamos?

This is a term in Greek, ἱερὸς γάμος, ἱερογαμία, which means sacred marriage.  It has many notable mirrors throughout world culture.

Amongst the Greeks, what we know is that this was a ritual that was played out where two people acted as god and goddess in union with one another. Ti was not necessarily something that had to be acted out physically, since in the realm of the god and goddess, this is a nonphysical reality, so intent and an understanding of higher order energies comes into play.  When you hear about the term “energetic sex” you are touching on the spiritual reality of sexual energy as a reality beyond the physical experience.  Everything we experience here on our earthly plane has a compliment in other realms. dimensional realities. As above, so below.

In each dimension, though, things change, while keeping the essence intact.  So what do you think that means?  Imagine what life is without a body. This might be hard to do since your memory is bounded most often by this one life.  However, within your ability to see and know lies a deeper sensing that is possible, and you touch on these realities when you get quiet, become reflective, and also meditate.  It is in this world that you can experience the world that is the one most native to your soul. Believe it or not!


Images of Inanna

In the middle east, the sacred marriage was played out between high priestess of the goddess Inanna and most often the king of the Sumerian city/state. There were other temples throughout the Sumerian kingdom that were dedicated to Inanna.  The temple of Eanna, meaning “house of heaven” in Uruk was the greatest of these. The temple housed Naditu, priestesses of the goddess.The priestess would choose a man who would represent Dumuzid, who was considered the consort of Inanna, which would take place during the Duruk ceremony, This would take place during the new moon of the Autumn equinox. (Source:


Shepherd God illustration taken from a seal, Ur.

In the Hindu Devadasi tradition, girls were married to a deity and took part in dances and theater which was meant to serve the deity.  In Tantric Buddhism, yabyum is performed, it is said, of the male and female together in a form of ecstatic union. While many in the West think that this is referring to literal sexual union, the union that is referred to is something that each person is able to experience in their own bodies first as a  result of the union of the opposites through the personality up through the higher self, effectively making it possible for divine force to bath the whole self and being in the rich flow of pranic force. Higher order union is that union that we experience through the soul.  It is thus, not contingent upon our being in a body or having sexual union with another person for it to take place.

The Alchemical tradition was also about this same concept, and it may have been by way of Buddhism that the Alchemists were able to fashion a means to relate the material in a more Western flavor.  Certainly some of the earliest of documents concerning Alchemy point directly to the source as being old and wide-spread.  This points to the fact (I feel) that this form of union is something that is part of the human experience, regardless of one’s belief, culture, or belief system. The union of the opposites occurs within the self first.

But is it possible that this union is more than just within the self? I think that the union must first occur within the self and resolve there for enough time to effect the work necessary to clear the energy channels in the body.  Yoga, especially pranayama seeks to cleanse the naddis, those etheric channels of blockages that might cause trouble were they to be charged fully with the action of kundalini, of life force in abundance. I think that this is the next layer, the next stage for us to experience, which is beyond the rather tawdry westernized tantra where its all pretty much about sex and sexual positions.  Oh, there is a nod to energy, because, afterall, isn’t that what its all about? I sense, though, that the depth of this experience is one akin to dipping the toe in, rather than swimming. When we allow such a small amount of energy to flow through us, we are attenuating it, which means that it will FEEL very intense, but will itself be a small flow of energy compared to what is possible. It will be more chaotic, and it will be less peaceful.  You will see how this will almost always lead to problems between the two people as a result. We  judged buy our fruits. So, then, if you want to improve and know there is more, the work dear reader, lies within yourself.

My experience is that yes, this form of union is not only possible, it has happened here in my own life.

I was still quite young when I was with the woman who was my first love.  We both had leanings into the spiritual, but our youth and lack of experience had us still quite green.  But once while we were together making love, I noticed that her body seemed to….change.  She seemed to relax as though she slipped out of herself.  Her head fell back. She seemed barely there.  She looked upward and away from me.  Her eyes sparkled.  After a few moments she seemed t come back to herself and asked, “Did you feel that?”  I looked at her, wondering.  “Yes.  I saw all of this light gathering around us, like stars that kept drawing into us closer and closer and this energy built up until I felt we were out amongst the stars and it reached a peak and there was this explosion, and the explosion was of countless stars……and after that, I chased you through space amongst those stars, like we were playing hide and seek.”  I felt nothing of the sort.

Does it mean, though that this kind of experience is just in our own mind?  If a tree falls in the forest, will only one person hear it? It is possible, I think.  the reason why I say this is because access to soul energy is based on ones own individual willingness or availability to it. Soul energy, which is infinite and unbound by time, exists beyond all time.  This is why people like Robert Monroe, who was able to project out of the body, was able to experience countless “versions” of himself from other lifetimes as well as an aspect of himself that was so far advanced that it appeared as a brilliant point of light.  But beyond the body, touching on the soul, one inherits infinity and it is there that the potentials can be experienced that belong to the soul.  Kundalini, or its action in the body, is what brings prana, but what is prana but soul energy?  I know what the Hindus and the Tibetans say about prana (but is not everything at some point or place in its vibratory frequency soul energy…consciousness?)…..but I ask you…..Are we not one with the All?  And what makes each of us different?  Ego. It is what makes this vast sea able to know itself as all these different things….and yet also know itself as the One.  We are both. Its really kind of wonderful when you think about it. You can choose to be One, you can choose to be All.  You can choose everything in between.  We are this.

Time has shown me that this person was herself an initiate into an order of Isis, which was another temple in Egypt that was connected to heiros gamos.  In a memory a few years later, I saw how she had merged with this male energy that was Ra, or was experienced as a solar golden light that came into the temple during a ritual that was performed that was, I believe, initiatory in nature.  Already, she had experienced this, her own soul had attained this level of connection at her soul level.  As for me? I don’t know.  I have no memory of any experience that was of this type.  It was not until decades later when I awoke that I felt the golden fire move upward through my body, releasing the force of energy we call kundalini. Perhaps in my own way, sans temples and teachers, I attained it on my own in 2007.

What I do know is that it is possible to feel and know the soul energy of another as an aspect that exists beyond time and space.  So this soul energy which I touch in one lifetime is similar to that which I feel in another lifetime.  the only thing that changes my own experience are my own blinders or perceptual blind spots that might limit my perceptions in one way or another.  When you touch the soul, you touch ALL POTENTIAL, which means you can feel all the way into godhood or goddess level energy were you able to allow yourself to surrender that deeply to contain such a broad experience.  I know that from experience, it is possible to do this.  That is why liberation and awareness are so huge; you have a god or goddess on your side who can teach you innumerable things, far better than anything I could ever do, and completely fashioned just for you (because it IS you).  When Jesus was criticized by the Pharisee’s in John 10:34, he says this:

“The Jews answered Him, “For a good work we do not stone You, but for blasphemy; and because You, being a man, make Yourself out to be God.” 34Jesus answered them, “Has it not been written in your Law, ‘I SAID, YOU ARE GODS ‘? 35“If he called them gods, to whom the word of God came (and the Scripture cannot be broken),…”

Those awakened are aware of this fact.  We each can feel how the self is itself limitless.  the only thing that limits us are those blind spots which are induced by way of what these blocks represent in the energy system, the naddi of the Hindu, the meridians of the Chinese practitioners.


The sensible approach seems to perfect ones self and allow cleansing of this energy system to take place. Suggestions are that this is something that can take a decade or longer to complete. I am at year 8 and sense that I have now gotten the bulk of blockages cleared, but have several centers which contain some blocks at different levels of the koshas, which can be thought of as layers or dimensions, within the chakras and the meridian or nadi system.  With five layers deep, each nadi system will have five complete passes in order to completely clear and wipe the slate clean.  The good news is that the action of kundalini is the thing that makes this incredible amount of work something like a short-cut.  But it is also possible to do the work as described in pranayama yoga that involve “locks” that are movements of the core body to help move the blockages in the nadis. Long before I ever learned about these movements, I was performing similar ones with my own body that were not too different.

Deep down, we know.  We know and can connect with this limitless self that touches God-dess, the totality.  It is here that knowing pours through us, for everything that has been or will ever be, is alive in this same flow of energy that is moving through everything else.  Don’t believe me?  Open your mind, your heart, and resolve all that divides you.  When you achieve the movement of this energy of the universe within you, tell me then what it is that you think.

Union begins within….but union is with all of us.  The question is, are we brave enough to do the work that will lead to more substantive experience in this realm?  Remember, you can still dip your toe in the universe whilst beginning, but doing the work will allow you to swim deep in its waters.


NOTE:  This is JUST my experience.  I write this just to store away in the back of your mind. I don’t think we have a lot of material listed to show how deeper blocked material might be experienced.  My experience wont necessarily be yours.  FYI.


You become practiced in energy work when you awaken.  Before I awoke, I had been seeing and sensing energy for decades. Seeing and sensing energy in the way I did had already become second nature by the time awakening hit.  But when awakening came, the depth to which I sensed energy tripled….that is how it felt.  As though my sensitivity went through the roof rafters.  And it can be disconcerting.  Like turning up the volume on your stereo, not realizing it had as high a setting.  And along with awakening comes the understanding that this energy is shaking you up, winnowing away the chaff of your inner life.  Its a blessing, even when it can be hard.  And sometimes, it can seem like its the worst, only to find it resolves into a non-event as whatever it is that is released as old stored pent-up material goes “poof” into the ether. Gone.  Not just gone, but no longer affecting you like it has for since forever.  So this is the backdrop against which this post is made.

Since awakening I have noted that I have had four passes of the energy through my heart center.  The energy body is made up of five known layers or dimensions.  These the Hindu call “Kosha” and the term suggests the sheaths or layers of a plant like an onion.  We all experience this peeling away of the layers.  As kundalini does its work, it goes deeper and deeper.

It has been my experience that the deeper stuff, the later stuff, is the most difficult of all.  Kundalini works through the path of least resistance.  Its the fastest and most effective way to reorder the self and clear out the mass of junk buried in the psyche.  But as a result, the most stubbornly held material is the last to go. With the material thus far released, I am rounding the corner to the last few dragons, the significant energetic blocks in my energy body, the meridians of the Chinese practitioners and the naddis of the Hindu.

I am passing this along for those of you who are going through this…..not to say that this is an inevitable outcome, but only as a cautionary tale.  We are all different, so your mileage can differ.  But I want to put it up for you to keep in the back of your mind in case you find yourself down to the last parts of the more difficult material and feel lost in it.

First, this process can be as easy or as hard as you make it.  Trust me, I have made it hard for myself some times.  And yet, also, the hardness can sometimes serve to be the catalyst for release, too.  It’s not to say that suffering is necessary.  We are ready to let it go when we are done with the punishment we dole out to ourselves by the way we choose to feel, you know?

It turns out that the last material is largely located in solar plexus and root chakras.  What we know is that the root has a sympathetic vibration that corresponds to emotional issues related to nurture, abundance, and sexuality.  This is felt in both the positive and negative aspects.  The solar plexus, which has more to do with the self and the will, this center has a sympathetic vibration with the psychology of the self, and our identity and also aspects of self worth.  This is also pro and con, so it can go in both directions.  In my work, I focus on the negative aspects in order to root them out since these always serve to be the substance of blockages in my energy body. The light side always takes care of itself, supporting my own inner work.

In the last few months, there has been an almost unnoticed shift from root to solar plexus and back again.  And something is happening.  It is also one of the more difficult of issues simply because I think they touch on things from this life….early life, and thus more fresh.  It also means that when I feel into that space, it’s harder than all the other blocks so far.  I have begun to cultivate a sense of awareness that observes these feelings in myself calmly when I can and sometimes I just feel embroiled other times.  Slowly, I remind myself that this is a block and that beyond this block lies a better way to be even if I don’t know what this better way even feels like.  I do know, though, that when I feel some fear or terror move through me, or some horrible emotion that is part of the blocked material, I consider how intense it is and tell myself that the light side of this energy is that it will be as blissful as this feeling is rough and hard.

I ask myself what this might feel like.  And then I remind myself that something really good lies up ahead.  While I am calm I can “read” all of the emotions to see where they are coming from.  I can also see how they have affected me throughout my life, which shows up as a kind of blueprint or list of associated information about the feeling (its kind of weird because this has only presented itself since awakening—it feels like I have a library of information now to go through and I just have to simply focus on it and I will begin to “feel” the information first in my body and then translated in a way I can understand).  I see all the instances where I reacted to the blocked material and how it has hurt others, and how it has hurt me, and I also feel how the different parts of the blocked material spans out through my life and sometimes where it originates (although this often comes up AFTER I have released the block).

I find that I pray.  A lot.  I ask to be shown a new way through this and all the other things that may come up to clear away….that I am ready for a different way….even if there is some crazed maniac running around inside my psyche who seems to have the keys to the asylum.  I am listening without a desire to prejudice myself with what it is I think I am hearing.

Sometimes it is messy.  It FEELS messy sometimes, and I simply let it feel that way.  I accept it as that. Sometimes its downright heavy emotion dealing with how deplorable I have allowed myself to feel….but I also know that dining on ashes doesn’t solve anything either.

Some of the recent sensations, energetically, have also gotten so vivid….much more vivid than previously.  I have actually returned to the fear I felt in the beginning of awakening where I am afraid I might be getting sick.  I am, oddly, feeling a new layer of an old issue that has followed me throughout awakening that has involved my stomach and intestinal track.  In some cases, the prana has itself been so strong that it has upset my digestion (which is not at all uncommon a thing), but lately, the sensations have been related to something different, which, of course, is the concern. This is where if symptoms get the best of you, go to a doctor to get it checked out.  My concern right now is over getting a diagnosis that I just don’t have the means to deal with right now.  I say this less as a way to deny what is happening, but because, honestly, I suspect that I may have reversed a disease already through the course of awakening.  I know how that sounds.  And I have resisted even writing about it. Ask anyone who knows me and my process, none of them will have heard peep from me about this one issue.  And I have resisted saying anything because of how it sounds.  But I will preface this little side-track with the fact that doctors and researchers have actually seen what happens when an illness is reversed through the will of the mind.  In his book, The Divine Matrix, author Greg Braden describes a case where doctors watched how a tumor didn’t reverse itself, but actually “poof” disappeared.  This phenomenon was observed by a number of witnesses, and it took place as a result of the patient being willing to accept a new outcome.  I ask the question: how may times have we healed ourselves of a cancer without ever knowing we have done so, simply because in the collection of beliefs and feelings and thoughts, we came upon a change that favored a different body chemistry or even a completely new path entirely.  Poof!

This is not something I have ever written or even talked about to anyone until just recently.  But quickly, A year before awakening came along, I had been having this pain that came and went that was in my shoulder area.  It wasn’t actually In the shoulder, but near it.  it felt like it was in the upper lung, almost like something was aching deep down.  I had a chance conversation with someone who taught one of my kids at the school they went to.  She talked about how her father had died of lung cancer and that it had caught him and everyone completely by surprise. We had been talking about how she had lost her father in the last few years, and I think it was fresh enough that she added a lot of detail to her story.

She explained that her father had been having this pain in his shoulder area that came and went and then finally got so bad that he went to see a doctor. That was when they found a cancer that had  developed to a stage where there was really nothing they could do about it. They tried, but in the end, with the cancer so far advanced, he passed.  And it was pretty quick, too.  This worried me at the time because what I had been feeling was the same thing, but I did the stupid thing probably, which was I didn’t have it looked at.  No scans or x-rays. I had a father who had died of cancer and his mother had also died from cancer.

But during awakening some interesting things took place.

One of them was when a being came into my room, a being who explained to me that he was my guide or protector. He then performed what I can only describe as a kind of psychic surgery on my energy body that involved pulling something out that looked dead.  Up until this took place, I had been having some severe pain in my upper torso….pain severe enough to give me concerns that I might actually have lung cancer.  There.  I said it.

But after the angelic being visited me, most of the pain went away. Within weeks. When I got up the next day, I felt as though two spots in my upper lungs had a tender spot, a kind of tender you might feel if something had been pulled away….maybe a growth or something.  This persisted as a sensation for a few weeks and went away completely.

That was seven years ago and the sharp deep pain has never returned.  Oh, and I also DID have an x-ray just in case.  This was after all of the hub-bub I have just described.  The picture was clean and clear. Of course, there is no way I will ever be able to know or prove that I made any change in my physiology.  I was just not willing to dive deep into that mud hole and invite another problem to weigh me down at a critical time when my life was going through such change.  Fact is, with lung cancer, you have to catch it early.  Anything less than early results in a dim prognosis.

So it is against this backdrop that I am now currently experiencing this next round of symptoms and issues.  Not in a position to pay for the scans and the diagnostics right now, I have dropped deep into my body and felt into what this thing is telling me.  And yes, it does speak to me.  It’s not a rational kind of conversation, though, which is important to understand.  The question I ask myself is do I prefer to use my resources that I do have to continue the healing work and turn this around using body chemistry matched to the heart and mind?  For now, the answer is yes.

Recently, just days ago, I had the most inexplicable allergic reaction, and its proximity to the emotional work I am going through makes it most curious.  It was so far out of left field that it stands out as an anomaly. I have not been able to identify what it is that I might have eaten, nor have I been able to identify if there is anything in my environment that I would have had such a sudden and strong reaction to.  For the first time in my life my body has come alive with hives of all things. They have been present for days now, and the first morning I treated the swelling with Pau d’Arco bark, which is a very useful anti-inflammatory.  It helped.  But it did not get rid of the hives. I have never been allergic to anything pre-awakening.  But since then I have developed mild allergies to some foods, but nothing that results in anything other than scaling of skin or discolorations of the skin (not hives, though).  I have never gotten the feeling like my throat was closing up.  So to feel this is rather unusual. And of course, it could be that my body has grown sensitive to this mystery substance, whatever it is, and yet……it feels like it is hand-in-glove with the changes taking place in awakening.  In fact, the last week I have felt into a much deeper place in this last bit of material and it has resulted in putting me in a new kind of place.  Unable to make heads or tails of it, I simply watch.  No freaking out.  Just watch this, no matter where it leads.

My sense, though, is that as soon as I am able, I will be getting some diagnostic work done because I think that even with a diagnosis of something troubling, I will be able to handle it.  But I think that one thing that could be expected is that symptoms that are energetic might get stronger….and its a good time to check with your doctor.  You just never know. Uncertainty is not always something we can handle in the midst of this kind of unraveling.  Its uncertain enough as it is, right?

For those experiencing awakening, I have an observation made over and over that came to roost a few days ago.  To set it up properly, I should explain that I have been moving into a state of incredible bliss over the course of several days.  I move in and out of it now that I am not sitting in a state of pure ecstasy (I have things to do!) so I move around and do ordinary things and this means moving in and out in order to do things like take my change and converse with people and make some semblance of sense.

It has been the result of realizing that I was allowing people in my field that actually had the effect of creating a great deal of static.  Thing is, this kind of association can happen and then… just stays there.  What is so interesting is how I was looking through my dream journals and remembered how I had a dream that initiated  a freeing up of my own energy field. This was almost 20 years ago, and it was something that I had not been completely aware had happened.  I did feel like I had been weighed down, but I was not aware that someone had camped out in my energy.  For a few years I just never really felt like myself….until the dream happened where I was aware that I was shooting up into the upper atmosphere on a rocket.  This rocket was my own energy. It was quite the ride.  But in the midst of this experience, I became aware that within me, like a shell within a shell, was this other person.  She didn’t really belong there anymore….and I could feel the shell of her awareness become more acute until like a stage on the rocket, she just slipped away.  The end result was that I was soaring again under my own power.

Something similar had happened not long ago, and it has taken considerable effort to clear the way. As people who feel the world from the inside out, having someone obsessively thinking about you can be difficult sometimes for the simple fact that you can feel it….and you have to really be clear about where you are so as not to get dragged down into something that is simply not your own.  This isn’t about being unavailable, but about knowing the integrity of your own field of awareness.  For healers, this kind of awareness and clarity is really important.  Blocking influences isn’t the answer.  You simply have to be clear.  Healed. It means no hooks in your field to snag you.  It is relentless work.

In the wake of this, my field has done a flip.  Suddenly I have myself.  This resulted in a whole slew of things happening quite quickly.  One was being drenched in bliss.  The other was a meltdown emotionally that pointed me toward work that I need to do.  In the midst of this happening, I seemed to have a renewed awareness of what needed doing.

Up until the meltdown, I was doing fabulous, and feeling like a million in my deep state of nirvana.  I am painting and sanding and weeding and nothing could be more golden or blessed or wonderful.  Then I am going through some old voicemails and I find one that I never listened to. Back in April.  And its my ex.  She is doing what she usually does, which is turning most anything that inconveniences her into a problem and a reason to tell my child (who is with me at the time) why it is that I am such a loser and why she just had to divorce me.  Truth be told, I lived with a person who was emotionally abusive not just of me, but of my children.  It was a really shitty situation that I often have to relive at unexpected times with this person who is just…..shitty.  Right?  But this shittiness has legs…or tentacles, and they move through me into my past and make me aware of where they go.  A few years ago, this would have just blown me over.  Now, I am getting tired of it.  I am tired of how bullies have ruled my world.  And quite frankly, the only thing that has ever worked has been the threat of punishment from some outside authority or being revealed for what they are.

So the meltdown comes and I go into it and am appalled by this.  In fact, I can feel myself sink into a mess that is just horrible.  I find that I am doing what I can to stem the tide of yuckiness, and its working, but I am feeling bad because, well, here I am for the thousandth time feeling this really shitty feeling of sadness about all of this.

Its right in here that something kind of amazing happens.

Over a period of a few more days, as I am trying to get back to normal, something comes up out of all of this.  And yes, it can take me days to get back to normal.  This sounds kind of loopy, right? But as it turns out, this lady I married was a dead-ringer for someone who abused me as a kid.  It has created this net of awareness in my mind about all of these people and how it is that while there are really shitty people in the world, we alone decide how we react to them. I don’t know that I could have responded differently to the man who abused me because of just how big he was and how little I was, but I know well how it is that I fell silent and how I fell silent while married, too, a very curious kind of behavior.  But this isn’t really what I am here to tell you about….its the deeper stuff….which is really quite amazing I think.

So I am moving through this stuff and then out of nowhere I feel a center of calm.  I take it in while I am doing some plaster work in an upstairs bedroom.  As I am doing this and thinking deep and feeling into it with what I call the no-thought channeling of information, I am struck by something rather interesting.

I am being shown how it is that we get hung up in relationships and I am being shown the source of these problems as it goes all the way back to the beginning of beginnings with us.  When I say source, I  mean the SOURCE of our problems as a species.  Don’t think there is a single source for our troubles here?  I think a few moments before having seen this, I would have not guessed so either.

I can’t explain to you what this place is, except that it is not duality. It is not a place because it is not physical, but we do come from it. It is where we seem to emerge from to come to this reality.  I am being shown how it is that physical reality is actually designed to take the pure Tao and divide it into two seemingly opposite parts. I am hearing in my head that this is how its done.  Forget life, there isn’t even any kind of physical PHENOMENON without this neat little trick that the ALL does with itself, this world we call physical reality.  This is so basic that it goes all the way down to how light travels, how energy behaves, how atoms are ordered, how subatomic particles are held together to make atoms….and atoms to make molecules.

Its showing me how we literally did divide, but that this divide has been poorly understood.  Many teachers have caught onto it….and it is the source of the twin ray and twin soul and soulmate concepts. There is this part of you that is out there that you have to find because then you will be complete.  But just so you know, when I awoke, I awoke with the sense of this other person.  Over time I was able to figure out who she was, where she lived.  I had already seen her home and what it looked like.  THAT was a very unusual time, indeed!  And the simplest answer at the time was that this person I felt inside of me was my twin soul. When I was sixteen I had the image of my soul dividing and one part going one way around the reincarnational cycle and the other went in the other directions…presumably to meet in the middle.  So when I awoke, it was natural to think maybe this is it.  In many ways,  I had been looking for this my whole adult life.  I felt silly, even more silly if I ever even told anyone about it because after looking and looking for years, I knew I had not found it.  But in awakening, when I could feel this person so closely, so intimately, and all from such a distance, I was reminded of this vision many years in the past.  I actually thought that perhaps the concept of the twin was real.

Except she wasn’t.  Nor were the next couple of people who I wound up feeling connected to.  But this thing that is taking place inside of me is explaining something really important, which is the nature of what we are in relationship to the ALL.  We ARE this ALL.  We are.  And not just that, but we are also individual. As a result, we have this thing called freewill.  It has been as a result of this one important distinction in our creation, that so many things have taken place that have been big surprises.  We continue to seek ardently for that other just as long as we are divided from that other part of ourselves.  Turns out, this other part of us has been in us all along.  I am being shown how a powerful divide sexually creates the greatest kind of yearning.  Balance this, and the divide is so less obvious.  the yin and yang begin to come into greater and greater balance. Does this mean that we are to become androgynes?  Well, here is the thing, the people who spoke the most about awakening outside of the eastern traditions were the Gnostics and they were all talking about how those who had this thing happen to them, the Kingdom, would actually become androgynes.  This means that the masculine and feminine aspects would become more balanced.

None of this is actually dealing that much with sexual orientation, but rather, the characterstics OF CONSCIOUSNESS  in human beings.  This also has a lot to do with our physiology in terms of how the pranic force is “divided” in the body and sets up a polarity that we call yin and yang, lunar and solar, female and male. The challenge for us is that we tend to crave the opposite of us.  This craving can lead to trouble if the inner work has not been done.  Its a rats nest of trouble if you think that its perfect straight out of the box. Unfortunately, it isn’t. The dopamine in our bodies gives us a wonderful feeling of nirvana, but feeling is not being.  Learning how it is that we can heal ourselves and overcome the past that is still living in us is perhaps one of the biggest challenges of this whole experience.  And yet?  Yet, this is where the action is.  It is where self discovery exists.  It is where we learn how we are a mirror to the cosmos.

The end point to all of this was suspended as I had to do a number of different chores today, but now I am basking in the rest of the lesson being delivered, which is how to find true and lasting peace, we really do have to work all of this out for ourselves.  Until we do that, whatever hitch we have in our makeup, we will attract based on that, whatever it is.

The way to do this work involves having the means to dig really deep into the self.  Most people are unable to do this kind of work.  Its possible, though, and I am convinced that it takes a certain type of chemistry to get it going and to sustain it.  this chemistry is possible to generate in your own body, but it takes some work to get there.  At the end of the dayl it is the chemistry of bliss.  It is this state or condition that naturally allows for brain plasticity to continue and to rewire the brain so that old connections are lost forever.  It also allows for a deeper somatic response in the body, all the way down to the tips of nerves and into the atoms and cells of the body.  Talk about deep ecstasy and bliss!  It goes all the way down into these places and you can FEEL it.  It is in such a state that anything is possible for you to happen. You can then direct your attention towards, say, why you have trouble with a given issue, and because of how fluid the body and mind is now, your subconscious boundaries will be so thin that the answer will come so quickly.

So I think that awakening is itself a critical tool for us to make sense of ourselves.  There is just so much stuff to get through. There is a LOT of it, and we need these concentrated periods in life that will allow us to throw off this stuff that has kept us less than free.  Its hard to know the depth of all of this when you are gleefully unaware, but as anyone in a therapists office often asks, how do I get into this stuff to heal it?

Well, one thing is for sure; you can’t heal it by just talking about it. You have to face into the light or shadow.  And then allow yourself to finally feel whatever it was that you set aside.  Doing this is the bravest thing….

So the title was a bit of a trick.  The real truth is that you have to learn to love all of yourself first.  Just do that and then come back and tell me if you think there are twins out there….

Good luck!


If you are an ardent seeker like me and like to understand how your insides work, one indispensable  tool at your command needs to be a dream journal. Keeping a journal by your bed and giving yourself a few minutes each morning to jot down your impressions from the night’s dream activities is a great way to begin charting your psyche.  I have been keeping a dream journal since high school, and now with over 35 years worth of journals to thumb through, I have discovered a lot of very interesting things about my dream landscape, how it has evolved, and it has also helped me in understanding that there are some symbology that I use that has remained unchanged while other symbols shift and turn with time like phases of the moon.

A few advantages I have found that have come with keeping a dream journal is that I have been able to identify

  • fears
  • frustrations
  • misperceptions
  • desires

More than just this, though, a dream journal allowed me to identify that not only had I had precognitive dreams, it helped me to identify the cyclic nature of these dreams that foretold in amazing detail elements from my future.

I recently looked back at an old dream journal from the time that I met the woman who would become my wife.  In one of the dreams I had of her in the very beginning, I had her show up at my house with some “off-duty clowns.”  When I read about this scene, I smiled; being married to this person was like having a bunch of circus clowns in my life, that is for sure!  Don’t get me wrong; I am not being mean.  I actually think the dream was trying to warn me of something!  It is funny how I can look back on my life in waking and see how I had elements in both dream and waking that both showed me clear clues as to the nature of how some relationships would work out if I had only chosen to listen.

  • Keeping a journal of your dreams can actually help you develop a keener sense of your own awareness and intuition.
  • Keeping a dream journal can provide you with a wealth of insight into your emotional landscape.
  • Keeping a dream journal can help you to understand how your subconscious communicates to your conscious mind through symbols.
  • Keeping a journal can help you identify psychic or precognitive elements.
  • Keeping a dream journal can help you to better understand where you are emotionally at any moment in your life.

Consider beginning to keep a dream journal.  I have found just 15 minutes each morning is all that is needed.  Sometimes when I can’t remember the dreams from the night before, I take my journal with me in case I remember it later.  As time goes by, I build a rich bedrock of understanding of myself over a long period of time.  And it really helps to put things in perspective.  By using this in addition to inner work, meditation, guided imagery, and other forms of therapeutic work, you can help build a solid core of understanding about the workings of your own self in a way that you might not have had previously.



I see and sense the world as I have always done

with eyes that tell a story

but I feel the world from the inside out.

I live a life that is through all of the things of the world.

It is in this world that I feel the sensoral pulse of life here

and the brilliant bliss that courses through all of me.

I know that we, so fast and quick as we are

have forgotten much

of the turnings of atoms

and electrons in their orbits

and the incredible bliss

wrung from their frames

one nano-second to the next.

That I look out through your eyes

should then be normal

and in such a world

what isn’t impossible?

For years I forgot

that my bliss was my own

filling my own being

and not an endless array of worlds

caught up in there being no other

when there is other and other and other galore….

of atoms or people or blades of grass….

This tidal wive of bliss

is the universe

and how it communicates

through the love

that tears us down


and helps put us


back together again

the right way.

It changes everything you thought you knew

about the nature of divinity.

I live my life on the inside of things

you see…

I find refuge there

knowing what its truth is

bearing the lies

and learning to remain silent

as they are not my own

even as I feel them as if they were.

I live a life that is backward to most

but sacred to some

and the only way to peace

for all.

Look into my eyes

the sky

the brick wall

your curtains

and dust in the corner

my presence will move your lips

and show you the words

and those words will

be mine

in a multiplicity of ways

and yet while moving

you shall not grasp

but hold

with an open hand

the great mystery of this moment

as it fills us all

as passion fills each plattellet

and charges our blood

with the ancient knowing of our calling

and return.

I live my life this way

less and less confused

about where I begin and end

and where everything else

or anything else does

or might.

It admit that for some

this is the path of madness

but for me

it is how all of life lives it

except us

as we don these masks of selfhood

so rigidly

forgetting the stage we grace

is only real for this time

and could shift at any moment….

I am here to remind you

to live here

in this state

to work through your own tangled web

to inspire and to be inspired

by all of it

to clear away the path

that the Way might be easy.

The Tao shimmers through ever leaf and star

the blood bears it mark

in crystalline forms

before the flow of time

but not against it.

I look out through your eyes

in the most passionate stance there could ever be

and we wonder just what really is real…

Even dreams have changed for me long ago

I do not dream as I once dreamed.

I enter like an uninvited guest into worlds and dreams

that are not my own

like a familiar ghost

whose key fits every lock

and whose questions stir each soul to desire.

Spirit becomes like water

speaking ancient truths in languages nearly forgot

its multidimensional nature

keeps it current

and moving in it

of the world of light that lives inside of everything….

that has a life in all of us, waiting for that day when we open our eyes

to its great brilliance.

I see into the distant past and know the future

but do not know which is future or past

or what is real or not

since its silly; nothing that is is not real

because in this place where I live

I rest within all

rather than outwardly.

Split the stone and I am there….

Open your heart and feel me stirring

as the oldest motive force there has ever been.


When I awoke to being afire, I wondered if anyone before had such a thing happen to them. I had looked out for this for years, even ready about this act of self-immolation but never really “got” it or understood.  There is no way to understand because it just isn’t like that. How can I tell you what it is to kiss the lips of a goddess or god? I could, but you would make it up for yourself from my own words so that we would each have our own approximated versions.  They’d be different because words are so limited.  And because this is not something to be understood.  It is something to be experienced.

I had read around the edges of our esoteric understandings, hadn’t I?  Why didn’t I know what this thing was?  There is no way to know.  There is only experience. But when I did go looking, an intuitive friend suggested I try the Nag Hammadi.  It was there that I saw the world unfold before me.  It was not through the Hindu or Muslim or Zorasterian….but Christian.  Funny that awakening and the kundalini would be found there….but there it was.  It actually answered to me a deep sense of upset I have felt my whole life as an older life cam tumbling out of this like a bolt of cloth.  In this lifetime, I was one of those so-called “Gnostics” of a sort, which is to say that I once lived with the knowledge that what Yeshuah tried to do here was to wake us up, like all great teachers….but they did a real job on his teachings. In no other corner of our world of teaching has someone’s message been more subject to the slice and dice of bias and recreation of a man’s words for their own purposes.

The Apex Teachings of Jesus just didn’t have a chance of getting through.  What’s more, even the disciples seemed to feel it was dangerous to share this with just anyone. SO a lot was hidden.  Still more was driven underground or was simply not understood and was deemed “heretical.”  This was a very different Christianity.  The one we have today is fine, but it bears few threads that will lead ANYONE to liberation. The great teaching was reduced to a fine societal code for keeping people nice and docile. The followers were sheep and the shepherd moved the sheep around. Its kind of a mad thing, really, when you think of it.

The apex teachings of Jesus didn’t have a chance. No, this “new” Jesus that the new church fathers were going to fashion in 400 A.D. was going to be a chaste and pure man who was a god as surely as Jehovah was an authority over humankind.  And we would all OBEY this god of ours.  Its what humans do the best; control.  But liberation is not about control.  It is about allowing the impossible to happen.  It is about allowing every grain of sand to flow through your hand that lies on the earth in a moment of time.  It is possible for the human spirit to experience this.  It is possible to be entirely changed.  It is possible to win your freedom.  Jesus asks his own people if the teachings did not themselves say that humans are gods after he was criticized for speaking heresy.  He spoke it because he knew it to be the case.  In us lies not just the divine spark, but that which is godly.  What Jesus found, we each can find.  But who would need a church after finding the god or goddess within themselves?

Doing this, setting yourself aflame like this, though, is a lot of “work.”  It is a lot of work for us humans to be so honest, so candid with ourselves that we are willing to admit to all that we have done that has been in error, that has been twisted or turned, angled this way or that, to the brilliance of the great white light that is the source of all transformation.  We are riddled with error, my friends.  We are.  So sitting back and just letting this light into you is the healing thing…it will seem to tear you apart…but it is only because so much is nonessential….but as time goes by you will see it is the greatest of graces.  It takes so much effort to let ourselves be undone simply because we RESIST it so much and have done so for so long.

It is a lot of work for us silly humans because we do not know how to really learn sometimes.  I know, because I have resisted truly learning.  You cannot teach anyone who thinks they already know it all. Such full vessels are where the fools of the world seek repose and congratulate themselves that they have some piece of what is true, that they have it all figured out.  But there are so many “truths” are there not?  So many things to believe, so many biases to accept in the process of taking such delicious bait.  And yet, beyond all of our assumptions and knowing lies something still and entirely explosive.  Taking it into yourself, just this spark, is enough to engulf you in the purifying flame of the alchemical urge…..the divine spark rests in us all and it desires to set us each aflame.  I say “take it into you” but this is not true….you take it into your willingness to accept that it is already INSIDE of you. Awakening is what we all are.  It is a verb, not a noun.

This flame will burn away all thoughts about what you believed were true and leave you simple, less encumbered, sometimes lonely, even sad for the life you thought you had or wanted or the world you thought you had or wanted.  It takes time to adjust as you auger deeper into the depths of your soul and root out the errors that have been there for lifetimes.  Oh yes, you will learn that this is all a giant cycling from one moment to the next….from one life to another life…and to another and another….

We live so many lives because we are such stubborn beings, unwilling or unable to realize who or what we are deep down.  The gift of the deity is encoded in our cells, in the very atoms and subatomic particles that make up our bodies. You can feel this energy all the way down in the core of each atom in your body if you allow your awareness to open you that deep.  If you do, you will witness and fan the flames of an amazing immolation that is taking place.  I did not start this fire, but I am certainly fanning these flames.

Yeshuah said “No one comes to the Father and Mother except by me.” What he meant was that there was not anyone else that he knew of who had what he had, which was awakening.  So while it sounds like he was bringing something novel to earth, he really wasn’t.  He KNEW there was no one else who had it. He had studied, he had spent years in meditation, and he had traveled widely. He KNEW that this was rare.  Very rare.  When he said that no one came to it except by him, he meant it.  If you wanted to learn about it at that time or in the middle east, Jesus was the man. But this was taken to mean that NO ONE else anywhere or at any other time EVER had this except the would-be god-man named Jesus.  What Jesus did, you can do.  I did.  Thousands of others have.  Many more will.  And this kindling of flame in our spirits and bodies will bring great change, such that has not been seen before.  Mark my words. At no other time have so many awakened all within such a short period of time.

It will continue.  It will continue because the spirit has said so.  The second coming of the Christ is this….and it is just now filling thousands of people who often have had no tie to religion.  That is because this is not about a chosen group but those who have managed to do enough work to loosen themselves from the moorings of their old way of being.  They have done the three things critical to awakening that exist with every person who has ever awakened.

You do not need a church.  Waking up means you no longer need the structure of someone telling you what is or is not right.  consensus reality is itself something that is riddled with madness.  Why would anyone want to be like anyone “normal” ever again?  And even saying this, I see how it is that the followers of this Christ tried their best to make a wonder-filled church which had bits and pieces of the gold which did not tarnish peeking out here and there along with lesser brass or coppers, all pretty in their own way, but which do change due to their error.  The pure spark, the pure flame, which is eternally lit in us will bring us all to the doorstep of the divine as soon as we each discover the place inside of us where flame or spark meets the tinder that aches to be set afire and burned to ash so a wonder may emerge….

I learned of my condition not by way of the Hindu but the Christian because I think I had a small score to settle with the world of those who would seek to make my master’s teachings into a polluted lake of stale purity.  The Father and the Mother shall join in ecstatic embrace knowing that their union births the transformative Christ Consciousness.  It is ever-so whether Druid, Native American, Christian, Hindu, Muslim,Judaic, Zoroastrian, or any other faith.  Waking up to this leads one to knowing through direct experience and the end of all systems, which supposedly exist to help us reach liberation.  No system has ever been able to contain it, yet those who have known it will speak of it, even vainly, in the hopes of helping others.  It is a fire which will burn, but it is also a fire that will transmute.  Resisting it is not a way to move forward…..but resisting may well be the lesson many of us are set to learn (myself included).

I wish you the best, and I hope that you find the tri-fold path that leads to this most wondrous of all transformations.


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