When I first awoke I asked the energetic presence of kundalini what it was doing. I did this because this presence showed every sign of intelligence. In the beginning, this is unnerving-feeling as though there is this intelligent energy that is there, but later, as the story unfolds more, it develops into something more complete and understandable. Still wet behind the ears, I was still getting my footing. The energy immediately unfolded a scene within my mind’s eye as soon as I queried it. I was shown a vivid image of a large warehouse full of boxes. I was shown how “it” (the energy) and I were going to go through every single one of these boxes, opening each one, making a check mark for each box. As each box was opened, something came out of them. What came out of them was stored emotion that had been shoved down at one time or another in my lifetime. I began calling this “the inventory.”
This inventory was the incredible backlog of repressed emotion and trauma from my life. I was here to get rid of my baggage. Some of it touched on past lives. In an earlier post, I describe how a being who announced himself as Sandalphon, bid me to get up in the early morning hours (4:00 a.m. on Good Friday to be exact) and come outside as I was shown how what I was going through was about emptying myself of all psycho/emotional material, even past life material. In a very serious tone, he explained that this shift, this release, and cleansing would affect all times or lifetimes. This was something of significant scope. Understanding this now, I hope that you can perhaps know how foundational, precious, valuable, and important this kind of process and the mechanism within us that triggers the avalanche of “inventory” is. U.G. Krishnamurti described this same process for him that he described in The Mystique of Enlightenment as when the “Saints go marching out” (as opposed to the saints marching in).
Looking at this image created in my mind, it was daunting, frustrating even, to see the sheer volume of boxes. I knew that what I was being shown in my inner vision was accurate as to the sheer volume of material that needed to be removed. It seemed like chipping away at a mountain. Over the course of awakening, though, I have found myself in the midst of sudden rapid-fire releases, some of which were falling away by the dozens, like blips on a radar screen, going so fast I had no chance to see what they were even about. Others, being more stubborn, were seen as they passed into the night. Some I was able to pin to experiences in my past, some in this life, others from past lives. All of them bore on this life even if their genesis was from an event in the past. In each case I began feeling that this form of energetic release was not just clearing me here in this present time, but was also reconfiguring the past through other parallel time lines. What I mean is that a block cleared now has the effect of clearing and redeeming all time. I could feel the tension in the block like a cord that tied the block through my life, as though some cable ran through my time-line in this life. As it released, I could feel through past memory how it released all of the events in that past where the block came up as a problem or stumble.
We are all like this. As I speak to people who are engaged in their awakening and “get” how important it is to allow blocks of this kind to go, it is clear that the whole world is just jammed packed with this stored material (whether anyone knows, realizes or is willing to acknowledge it). It is work like this that we are here for. When I sit in deep meditation on the Tao, on the Source, what I find is a brilliant and beautiful energy that resides in potential. It is like an explosion that has been utterly frozen. Somehow, in ways that I do not yet fully understand, this energy moves “out” of this state of pure unrealized potential into worlds like ours, effectively projecting itself into countless worlds wherein it is able to realize itself in creation. It is through this creation that a clever kind of situation is set up wherein the potential is “realized” through many smaller parts. This, of course, does not help anyone in knowing the All or the Tao, except by way of observing it at this level of awareness that monks, priests and shaman have all described at various times through history. This Tao is the small dot that exists in the center of the Shri Yantra mandalla, but before the dot even appears. This dot is like the stone cast into the mirror-surfaced reality, sending ripples of phenomenon everywhere; this is an act of creation. When I say all of this, realize that the Source of life exists both in and out of potential. It is all, it is both. It exists outside of time, just as all souls are radiations or projections into a reality such as ours here on earth. The radiation, though, is across all time all at once. When you experience time as a dimension of experience, you effectively exist in a spacious present, as was described by Jane Robert’s trance personality Seth (they wrote a few notable books about the nature of reality, etc.). Despite all of this, in each life, until the cords are cut and the blocks healed, these issues continue to haunt us. The way out of them is through intent. It is just that simple. You can tell yourself, even if you are scared to death to let go of all of your junk that you want to let go of it. If it is something that you really do want, you can correct enough of the bad programming within you that will open enough doors within you to make it so. Especially in awakening, which is already stirring you like nobodies’ business. You are not powerless. This is why we are here! To do this work means the end of countless lives running over the same old ground! This cleansing has far reaching implications not just individually, but for the planet, for the great well-spring of collective consciousness that is the human race. It has and will continue to trigger a big shift globally that we are beginning to feel even now that will perhaps be messy, but will result in some significant changes when this process more or less “completes” itself (which is a misnomer because all of life and growth is a spiral that does not end, constantly looping back onto itself, but never in the exact same place as we spiral “upwards” in our evolution physically and spiritually on this planet).
As I move into a more accelerated period of block removal, and as I get down to the last bits in my energy body, I find myself in a new place. I will be honest and say that such a rapid removal of these blocks can be unsettling for the fact that whether we like it or not, or whether we are willing to admit it or not, these blocks, negative, yes, have nonetheless formed a significant part of our lives. They have mine. While I have a lot in the rear-view mirror now that I can look back on and see how the loss of these dysfunctional behaviors that were energized by those old blocks were a saving grace to have gone, the truth is that the things remaining are the same in some ways to some of the first blocks. Each one feels like the first time…..because in truth, they are in a way…..The very nature of these blocks is that in many ways, releasing them often means feeling them for the first time…..and I mean really feeling them…..as opposed to skirting them, brushing up against them, or having them kind of bundled up like a mummy within my body of memory…..there, yes, but not really being encountered fully enough to see it, know it, acknowledge it, and then let it go.
We are human. It is easy to tell ourselves we are in such a different place, that we are “spiritual” now or awake and part of the cosmic federation of spirits. 🙂 Truth be told, our spirituality lies in every single corner of who we are, and most notably it lies also within our frailties. THAT is our humanness. It is also our spirituality. Everything we do, good or bad, exists under the umbrella of what we call spiritual. All of it. Wherever our presence and awareness goes, it is spirit. We want to think of it as something beyond us, but it isn’t. It is right here in the chores we do, the mundane and fantastic. We want to spin stories about some ultimate truth, but this “truth” is something so broad that it is witnessed in each moment even as the world changes or the light in our bedroom changes, or how others change. These are the 10,000 Things. Within all of them is the One. The Tao, Source….and this thing has levels layers just like us and escapes explanation because it can only truly be experienced. And this glimpse? It changes lives. And we put all of this up on pedestals when we need to just keep it right here where we are. We need it in fact in order to do the work of Awakening.
So digging deep, I continue this balancing act. I find that the releases now require me to really focus on what the releases have offered to me in my present moment. There is, for me, a real benefit to be found in keeping myself away from things that trigger me. Why? Some might say that “triggering” as we so often call it is a great way to focus on what remains. And they would be right! But the difference for me now is that I am more aware than I ever have been during this current phase as I dig deep into the bottom of my barrel. I can feel how I might be triggered. Some part of me just knows. For me now, triggering tends to slow me down, like how a loop can catch you in a merry-go-round of the same old behavior. And so it is important for me now to help support a new way of being, feeling, and experiencing. It is like a gentle but persistent reminder to help support a new kind of life. After all, an old story is being erased, revised, some pieces are being kept that belong to the soul’s purpose here, and there is a lot of chaff blowing out into the wind.
Even though I know that it is all nonessential material that I am removing, some part in my human side feels that moment like this is a goodbye. Another part seems to pat my shoulder and say how it was never really something that served me in my highest. As all of this happens, though, the people and events that triggered me simply do not trigger me. And it was never really about them. The only problem I have ever come across has had everything to do with how I chose to feel or react to it. This is not to say that I am aloof to injustice or lack in compassion, but just that I am so much clearer about who is taking part in the actions that lead to negative outcomes. By becoming embroiled, or upset about it, I toss myself into the same bin with those who perpetrate the wrongs in our world. It is on whomever is engaged in it. Why should I be unclear about who is doing what? Sometimes those fighting for peace are as embroiled in a war inwardly as those who are engaged in the physical warfare. It is a tender balance, but it is one that is actually quite clear. In the end, it is the essence of personal choice. We have this as part of our individuality and our freewill.
Digging deep, while I find greater peace, I have also found that what remains has, for me, become more reactive in some ways for the simple fact that this is the stuff I have held on to the hardest. It is the hardest to let go, I suppose. These things represent a very stubborn part of my psyche, so I am approaching this last part in me with understanding, compassion, and patience. Feeling shame or guilt or sorrow or hurt over it does little to help it to go. the desire to just dig it out, does. So go easy on yourself. Listen to what you need. Take a walk, take a break, give yourself this time even if some part of you feels like you cannot afford it. The infinite is spreading out before you, so why not take this time to do what it is you need? We need never feel bad for giving ourselves this level of self care.
The hunger to be free grows with each step I take. I wonder what lies ahead. What does this new world look like? As I think back on all that has been conferred on me, on what I know that I am capable of as I go forward, the possibilities really feel exciting. Life can go from drudge to play so quickly. I am moving toward play. I hope you do, too!