(from my phone while out in the wilds…..word may seem scrunched up….I just know it….)
Its a private quest but with others pulled and repelled by the force of karma undoing itself. Beyond what you believe karma is in the world of punishment-rewards lies the truth of it…..and it is so beautiful it is enough to change the orbit of your life. You aren’t made perfect in a flash….you are shown the way it can be. I was shown this way and while I go about it in my human way, I am also finding it. For almost eight years I have engaged in an intensive effort to unwind all of karma….negative karma….in my awareness. It is a cleansing of the depths. It is a Big Dig.
The activation of the living force in my body and my awareness has come to me just as it has been coming to many the last two decades; spontaneously with little practice or effort to rouse it. That is what we say. On the one hand, this is true, but when you look at it a little more closely, its as if all of us are just monks in drag. Cosmic camo or something. I know, I am being snarky. But I think it is true. I think that I was ardent a seeker as you could find all squeezed into a nine year old frame.
The truth, though, is that we have all been searching for it. A woman who says she never searched for it confided to me that she had practiced Hatha Yoga, which is a powerful method for moving energy. She had practiced for years. And I, I had developed my own form of meditation, hadn’t I? It was intuitively based and had to do with how to allow energy to flow in the body. It had decades of observation behind it….observations made by a man wh9 had been able to read energy since e was 18 when the gift opened to him. I thought of it as “active meditation” which meant that I had used similar practices in projecting consciousness, in expanding my energy field, in clearing it, and a number of different things. I just though being very still was kind of…..silly. Yes, I knew that it was in this stillness that I was supposed to find something. I didn’t buy it. I have since found that it is not in MY silence that I have found “it” but rather that I and the silence are part of the same thing. This is quite different, you see, and is enough of a difference to leave a person seeking ardently and just not finding it. But being silent? Not thick enough! This is a quality of self, of being. It is falling in love. It is. The universe comes along and takes you. It is quite the experience. It moves you beyond anything you have felt before. Liquid passion, liquid light moves up inside of you. If you are a man something inside of you has to soften itself into being feminine just to TAKE this. And if you are a woman, something inside of you has to penetrate the DEPTHS of this…..in a way that is masculine. Not ready? Well, something in you obviously decided that it was. Sorry little ego. Here we go!
(Now I get to use my computer after the day has turned to night….and I can stretch out some)
And all of this, as hard as it can get, is a saving grace. For as hard as it has been, I am thankful for it. I have been hard at work. Every single day is a new effort. It is…..relentless. There were times when I thought I might just lose it….and times when I could never lose it. There and back again.
Deeper and deeper this has gone, layer by layer. This, the Hindu call the koshas, the “layers” of the self or consciousness that include the energy of the body, the mind, the emotions, and the broader parts of the self. There are, I suspect, though, koshas that express the higher self. Everything that we are will have its expression as one of these vessels. And each will contain junk in it all expressing at a given vibration. The thing to realize is that as material is cleared, it becomes easier to clear still more deeper material. And for me? Seems I have saved the hardest for last.
I go through my day in a constant meditation upon HOW I feel and I am finding that I continue to go deeper into my feeling self and realize that some things that I thought were my reactions to things were not based on anything real but were the result of something unresolved in me. These things seem obvious at first, but its not obvious when the material has been shoved down so deep and hard. My root work continues to surprise me. It is like unpacking junk from an ancient trunk. I go at it, often with weekly releases of energetic material, old traumas or hurts or issues. As I dig down into it, I feel stuff I had just never felt before. I just could not SEE it or KNOW it for what it was!
See, there is just so much that you CAN see and for so long….and you deal with it….you do….but some of it you may not know HOW to let it go….obviously it is by surrendering….no kidding, right? But sometimes something in you just doesn’t know how to do that, the hurt maybe is too fresh or new, or any number of things. It may in fact be really old, a repeat of a very old SOMETHING. When I had an ex turn my children against me in the midst of a divorce, I saw just how mean spirited she was being, wittingly hurting not just me, but more importantly, my precious children. How terrible is that? To ruin an avenue for your children? I had another ex seek to slander me based on outright lies….which was the same as my previous ex. All of this was hard, really hard, and difficult to get past because of how FRESH is all was. I simply was not used to people who loved me doing this to me. For me, this was a first in my life. Trying to destroy those you love? Really? What flavor of madness is that?
Image © Stafford Artglass, Parker Stafford
But its the very nature of how reactive that this made me that made all of this hard to let go. It seems that these things all have a kind of expiration date. If we let them alone long enough, they wither on the vine. They become easier to pluck out. It also get easier to let the karma go, too. But as I go deeper into this real dark place in the root, it is like I can feel all of this stuff related to survival, to nurture. Some of the hard things from the death of a parent, the loss of bonding with one parent. Hard stuff, I am sure, and its all being dug up. WHat I have found is that there are some really hard feelings buried in there. This is the archetypal hades. This is the hardest place because it is so central to our creative selves.
Part of these releases, these healings, have involved the concept of the great womb. This womb is about creativity. We use it loosely simply because it is not about creating children. It is about creating ANYTHING. You can feel into that place that is in each person, every man and woman….it is not a literal womb. And yet, in higher order energetics, it is indeed just that. It is a womb of the higher self, of the soul. It is the meeting place for all energies to collaborate and create. It is. And its health will determine what comes from it. Clear it out and it is a clean slate. This is why this work is so important. To return not just a person to the “zero” point but to help the planet reach such a place. It is an incredibly intimate personal journey as it is for me, and yet, we ALL have this shit in us. All of us. Even those of you who think you are pure as the driven snow. I can tell you that inside of you are things that you have simply never allowed yourself to see. Look back at our history as a species. DO you see all of that horrid stuff we have done to each other over all those centuries? Well, you were a part of that in some way somewhere somehow. We all die at the hands of another. We die of disease, we are manipulated, we are lost, we are forgotten. We are also remembered, cherished and loved. To know ALL of this. When we are able to integrate ALL of this, we can make the peace with it that we seem to need in order to move on from this level to another. This is important work for all of us, and the wave doing this now will help each other by those who dig deep and also they will help those who have yet to wake up. It will literally create a different template for those who come later into this love, this field that is bristling with energy and promise. It is in everything. You have to open up to it. It is endless. We are truly infinite. Even atoms are like this. It boggles the mind.
We are made for this. And it is worth the work.
After years of being out of touch with those who were a part of my earlier awakening, with the one whom I thought of as my twin, I have been able to go back and speak openly and frankly about a host of things. I have been able to do what I did not feel I could do that I very much needed to do, which was to bring some sense of closure, and to help bring some depth of understanding to why everything went down as it did. I simply disappeared quickly as my own awakening shifted into a new gear. Being able to explain myself….and also to face what I was once fearful of but am no longer fearful of. Your perspective can change 180 degrees in a relatively short period of time. So much can change. Running from it isn’t the answer, though. It is this interesting dance. We can’t get bogged down by it, but neither can we run from it. This other person has this mirror effect, which strengthens things in a way that is not always beneficial. What we mirror we also reinforce, you see. And this can make a small thing into a big thing. A tar pit of the soul. But there comes a time when the draw of the tar pit just no longer does it and you can speak about things in a way that actually leads to more and more releases….realizations that something you were holding onto was simply not necessary. A block in your that was the same in them, now cleared, now simply no longer offers up the draw. And this is so hard for people in it to realize…..that the draw is so often the blocks holding energy in a tight position in the self. I call it how energy flows in a tight hose. When you can open the hose or channel, the water (Qi) flows with less turbulence and chaos. This is what we all look forward to. Being universal channels for this light field. Growing up and doing exactly what Jesus did; overcoming the world. Clearing the karma. Becoming free.
So deeper and deeper I go. Deeper into a meditative state. I now do it while listening to music, I do it while walking down the street. What required a moment of quiet is more like a tool I use in the moment when I need to. It is not so much about meditating now as much as it is a realization of how some things can move me out of my zone where I am calm, able to plumb that depth. As I do this, I find there is more to do, more to feel into, to look at that I may have not seen in quite the way I just did a moment ago, which was the whole reason why this things was lodged in me for so long. I had missidentified it, shoved it down and not sen it for what it was. And it distorted my ability to see so many things in others. I saw threats that weren’t there or I reacted beyond what one would normally do. Until this stuff is dealt with, it remains an issue. So down I go. Digging in the dirt. And you know what? Its worth every minute. It is why I came here. It is job 1.
There are methods for dealing with this energy and it is about movement, but I have found that for the deep stuff, some movement with being able to feel deeply into the centers is important because feeling that deep means that you understand what was not understood for so long. So much of this can be STUFFED emotion….ancient stuff…..and when you let it go, the really cool things is that this releases all your other lifetimes…..because until this material is dealt with, it is simply reflecting and mirroring in all your past lives. It is free to be something different. Wait. And yes, I also mean the past. How is that possible? I don’t know, but I have already experienced it. I have actually gone into my past and changed it. The presence that is here with me today that I call kundalini is itself a form of my future self looping back as a way to improve its own “present” focus in a kind of future. Thing is, there IS no time…..we live in a hologram that is ALL TIME. As consciousness expands, you will see just what I mean. So this future self has so much to offer…..and as I improve, it changes its own self or being.
It is quite the experience…..and I hope that in time everyone will experience this as a kind of right of passage and that those doing this now will have made the path so much easier….something that I laughingly called a “puberty for adults” to a friend who asked about it about a year ago. It was the best way I could explain it. And yes, it is a new world with so many responsibilities tied up with it….
The journey continues…
Waking The Infinite 