In experiences of nonduality nothing is just one thing or another. With everything connected, increasingly, there is less and less and less that we see or feel that is seen from a biased state of mind. As the walls or barriers within ones own self fall, the truth of things begins to emerge. The truth is there are many facets to any given thing. There are facets we give to events and people and things and then there are those things that are simply there, despite our need to project upon them or see what we are in them. Everything that Is has its shades of dark and light.
Learning to see what is, is a big part of my journey- and the journey of many others in disentangling what we create from what exists…prexistant of our own projections, beliefs, expectations, and hopes. It is a way to see clearly, to know “what is.” When we operate from a place of wanting to know what is, we tend to be increasingly inoculated against the tendency to build into each moment, each event, each meeting, expectations that are based on our own inner hopes….which are themselves based most often on what the accumulated presence of karma does to a person’s thinking and acting. Truth is, we have all of these programs running in us that rule us. Until we can remove that stuff, we are mastered. And there are layers to this material.
When we say we are like onions, we are….layer by layer we are undone just as we made ourselves through years of shoving junk down into those layers. This is what constitutes the bulk of these blocks and conditioning….but it also means that programming exists at deeper levels, yet, in perfect onion-layer form. Removing it all is a humbling experience. it is also something I sense is the most beautiful thing. We are changing the story as we go. Sound impossible? It means facing all of your own silliness, rudeness, reactivity, anger, fear, jealousy, and sense of lack. You name it, it comes up, and gets to be cleared. And this, the cleansing of the self, is so important. It is our saving grace. It is the single most important part of my awakening. It continues to offer me the opportunity to undo lifetimes of junk. And the result is that it will change those lifetimes as much as it will change THIS life. Its beautiful and huge. It will send ripples throughout the multiverse. There is a lot on offer here. And yet, for as huge as this all is, we can, in our all-too-human frames become undone by what remains.
When I awoke, I found that this energy began taking me apart right away. Blocks began falling away within the first week. After two weeks of having felt the “rising” of this energy in me, effectively lighting me on fire, my juiced system began to respond by churning and teasing out these small blocks of knotted emotion from my awareness, from my body.
Part of this dynamic was being aware of another person whom I had never met in this life, someone who lived about 1,500 miles away. A whole other country in fact. As time rolled on I learned that I was feeling what this other person was feeling as though it was a direct link. I was incredulous at first but as the incidents piled up day after day I realized I shared a connection to this person that was from the inside out.
There was a lot that was said about these connections. Awakenings like mine were often being accompanied by these connections. It was a way of shifting your way of seeing the world in a pretty dramatic way.
As I went from this being the will of the universe to something that my own soul was embarking on, I began to bid this energy to do its work. I sensed that the stronger the energy was, the more work it would do. Part of me was apprehensive of this energy. A part of me was afraid that “me” would be swept away. There was a calm sense of impartiality, almost coolness to the intelligence that lived within this energy, that lives in all energy. My own awareness sought to commune with it, to learn why it was here, to learn anything I could. This probing would begin to form the first of what I would come to call my “epiphany talks” which was where in a deep state of meditation, I would let this energy do its work, and as a plus, I could ask it questions. For me, understanding the very core of what Is was what I was interested in. I felt that in knowing this I could begin to unravel my own mysteries, to become, to transform.
This journey resulted in my becoming aware of multiple connections. They just happened. I didn’t know why, but they did. Over time, these connections would be a source of shame and guilt for me. I would also set these connections aside in an effort to overcome whatever it was that had fueled these connections.
As time passed and I continued to let this energy do its work, I went from surface blockages to removing deeper, more substantive ones. Each time as this happened, the energy which I had been communing with came through clearer and clearer. But as long as I remained even slightly uncleared of blocks, I was like visitor to this land of the divine.I could tune it in anytime I was ready to. It was mine. It was me and I was it, and yet, I had this baggage that my personality had to learn to let go of. I knew there was probably a way to just let it all fall away at once. Theoretically possible, yes, but likely? Nope.
But the journey along the way helped me to understand energy more and more…..in the way I was most gifted. It seems that we meet this conscious energy where we are at the time. As the dross clears, the energy also becomes more clear. The intelligence within the energy resolves too. The personality also goes through changes. For me, the hardest and most difficult was my own Dark Night of the Soul. This was itself a period of time when the gateway of energy opened up within me to the degree that I would feel clobbered by the energy. I often would have to lie down, unable to know how to deal with this crush of energy. This period would result in dislodging my ego from its front and center location in my psyche. What resulted was that a higher-vibrational version of the ego was within view, a way to still know myself as me, but with fewer snags. The idea that ego dies, is itself silly, yet people still use the term “ego death” which stirs fear and anxiety in anyone who is going through awakening. This part, is, in fact, a saving grace, a blessing, since it allows the self to not identify so powerfully with so many things that can serve to hang it up. Ego itself does not die, it is more…..mobile. Instead of ego being the latch on your toolbox of gifts, it becomes one tool IN the toolbox. The result? You become more of the master and less the slave. But here is the thing….the deeper issues, the ones that are most ingrained….they tend to appeal most directly to ones identity and sense of self, and as a result can be the last things to go in this cleansing that is awakening. The Dark Night itself comes of its own accord when one is ready. There is no formula to this, or for this.
For me, the hardest was saved for last. And that is where I am. It seems that this is being taken apart bit by bit. The advantage to getting down into the dirt, into this root junk, is that with each release, no matter how small, it changes the balance of power, or energy, in the body. What affected me before no longer does. And all along, I was very good at being able to manifest what I needed. I had been using this method I developed that worked for me. I simply asked for the big things, the important things. They all came to pass in time. What I could not change was the karmic field that existed within each of the manifested events that brought me what I needed, all in divine timing. But it is now a matter of no longer wanting to manifest the abundance I need in my life in order to do what I am here to do. It is now a refining process that now frees me from the entangling alliances that were part of the past but that my soul now feels is no longer necessary for what lies ahead in the future of time.
I ask myself what these connections were for….I ask them what they think now after all this time. What was at the very base of all of this? What holds us back? What has limited us? What has kept us from something that was less than an easy form of love in ourselves? And not all of them are able to know the answer. It is, in a very real way, an answer that they must find for themselves. Understanding one’s mirrors are an important step in doing the inner work necessary to stop attracting the same thing as in the past.
These were all people who obviously felt as though something had been left unfinished. An expectation was not met the way the individual felt like it needed to be. This is where what Buddha had to say about the suffering of the world comes into play. Remember what he said? When we build expectations that are not based on what Is and are instead something from our own inner dialog, our own karmic leanings. Having begun to dig deeper into the root, I have found that as I do, I am less reactive and am simply wanting to know what is it that remains? How do I honor and heal what remains in me and does understanding what lies in the other serve as a reflection for me? It does. But it requires a willingness or ability to see things impartially. As you might guess, karma is not about being impartial. It is about feeling something that is less than our divinely inspired selves.
So what was shame and guilt has resolved into an awareness that I am here to resolve some old accounts, to clean it up, to open the way for a new Way to be to flow through me. Like a creek that has been dammed up, the walls are falling away, and while most of them feel as though they are down, there is this part at its base that is now being excavated. This, the root, is the darkest, the most difficult, I suspect because it goes to the very source-point of our survival, our nurture and our ability to create at the most fundamental levels. ANY kind of creation….from procreation through the body to art or the use of our creative energy for a whole host of things. What I know from my talks with this light inside of me is that when I remove the troublesome junk in the root, I wont have any concern as my ability to co-create will not be muddled by action (karma) from a past life, or from some earlier part of my life here. How do we build the temple when the stones were lain from poor stock to begin with?
So this is the journeywork. This was what the Dark Night did; it scattered the stones of my being. Some remained….it seems that if we are not ready to allow ourselves to be scattered and remade, we wont. Not even kundalini will be able to take care of it. Perhaps with enough time….perhaps then. But for me, I sense that time is of the essence. Time for all of us here….time for me….time for my children, time for those I love. Time to enjoy the fruit of my labor, to settle into this way of being for the next time I am scheduled to re-emerge.
So what is holding you back? you might feel as though you wrestle with yourself sometimes, resulting in knee jerk reactions. If so, I can tell you categorically, that is the karma speaking. And as long as that is the case, you will respond the same over and over and over. Yes, you might be able to put a good face on it, yes, you might learn to CONTROL it. Yes to all of that. But we have spent lifetimes doing this. It is as though we have worn these masks which have hidden all of our own fears about who and what we are…..and those things were themselves the lies we tell ourselves….why? Fear. We are afraid we are terrible somewhere deep down…..so we ignore that dark spot and go on about life. Sometimes for lifetimes. Eventually, the karma comes calling and the soul no longer wishes to deal with it like this anymore. We grow up. Slowly, perhaps, over many lifetimes, this maturation takes place. And perhaps there is something in us that needs to know this shadow part of ourselves. Maybe. But then, in doing so, embody it, which effectively removes it as something you are pitted against, or fighting with, or having a knee jerk reaction to. Whatever it is for you. For me….there were strains of victimhood in there. I was not ready to take responsibility for the fact that my own light body, how it is composed, is what is creating ALL of this. There is nothing that does not happen that I myself do not attract. And what happens when that image is one I don’t like? Well, its in me to heal! ME. Until I do, I am mastered by whatever it is I see in the world around me. Sometimes, it is with disastrous results. And the deeper we go into the chakra system, the harder it seems to be. Digging in this deep pit is now the work that I feel so ready to do. My focus on this center is constant. Every moment of the day I breath into it, I place my awareness, the light that is in me that is also the universe. What a way to shine the light on things! But it WORKS. In fact, the easier I allow it to be, the easier it is. As I have said in past posts, sometimes a glance is all it takes. After turning this old soil with my awareness, it eventually soften enough to fall away. There is little else as important as this.
The result? In important areas of my life, I am finding myself becoming less stuck. Things that I knew I needed to do but had been stuck by the economy or by a hundred different reasons, has now suddenly freed itself up. The way forward has clarified. As soon as I was able to see it, those in my life responded with excitement because this shift would offer them opportunities that we have not yet had together. These were opportunities their own souls have been waiting for. It is an important step, one that charges my creative energy with the push to get this next step done in divine timing. Divine timing? Yes. this is when the impossible becomes possible. This is when all you have to do is put the intention there and the world conspires to assist. Some of it is not because of anything that you yourself have done. This is the foundation for the synchronicity….those inexplicable events that happen with uncanny timing. So why something is in your life is the result of something within you…..for good or ill. When you can come to terms with any given block, you can free yourself to be able to choose how you react and respond. You free yourself from a kind of slavery. The idea that we have been the ones to have enslaved ourselves seem repugnant to us…..and is the very reason why it continues. When we take responsibility for our stuff, for our lives and choices, we are that much closer to owning all of it instead of being the ones who are owned.
The reason, I know, that this work is important is that as each of us are able to break these chains within us, it makes it easier for others to do so also. If you haven’t noticed, the world is rapidly moving towards an effort to use technology to control in a whole new way. It is time to so fill this world with the hunger for true freedom that the idea that we would seek to control the world just because of greed or fear or anything less than our highest will seem….so unnecessary. Why would we want to do that? To change the world, we have to change ourselves. From one backyard to another.
So in awakening, in the beginning, there is so much in you that is magnetizing so much….from feelings to events. You are in a pit and you don’t even know it. But what you DO know is that you want things to change. Sometimes it feels like a gift, sometimes a curse. But that is as it should be; to be able to see both sides is so important….and once we do….integrate it all into our being so that it can be free to transform. The path to change is in forgiving ourselves. This, it turns out, is the hardest thing for us to do….but it leads to the greatest love there is.