Archives for the month of: August, 2014

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There appears to be a threshold that exists where subtle and dispersed effects from doing inner work aggregates or seems to trip a kind of “switch” within, all at various levels, that serves to bring on various forms of brain activity in the individual. What I mean is that there are effects that are achieved from merely sitting still and meditating. The range can actually be broad, all the way up to the elusive flash or bursting of the forces that will drive enlightenment. These can happen before awakening kundalini and they can happen in slightly more vivid ways after awakening, but these thresholds seem to be a function of what happens when we allow increasingly larger amounts of energy to flow through us. With more energy flowing through consciousness there naturally comes more awareness. The only difference is the quality and quantity.

These shifts are accelerations of consciousness. Consciousness, beyond the body, has no constraints whatsoever. Your body, however, might have any number of constraints. Your body, in this life, might be constrained by beliefs recorded in your brain that tell you that you have to BE a certain way or that you can only experience certain things or feel a certain way. Certainly your consciousness (which is beyond your body) carries this belief, but while you are in flesh, so does your body. Body follows mind. But at a certa in point when the divisions within the self fall away, so too do the artificial barriers that you, that all of us, have created, leading to a union with the higher self and the larger universe.

This is why, upon linking into the higher self, people describe the effortlessness that so often accompanies such states. Things come very fast, ideas resolve clearly, quickly, and the mind seems to have no need to reflect. So often answers are just “known.” I will tell you that for a self that lives outside of the physical, it is VERY handy to have all time at your fingertips. The problem, though, is that we are so focused in our limited brain/mind/consciousness that our belief literally determines what we will experience. Break out of that and wander far enough, and you could find yourself bumping up against your higher self. This self does not have the same kinds of limits that your consciousness here does. it is like you took a vast ocean of awareness and effectively built a small tidal pool and said that this tidal pool was your consciousness and all that you are…..right? So do you see how silly that could be? Well, this is what we all do in a manner of speaking. The trick is in breaking through those cognitive barriers.

A few days ago as I was doing inner work I came across something that was an example of how these kinds of things happen, how answers can come so fast, so easy, so clearly…..IF YOU LET THEM. I have been working for a while on the last center in my main seven chakra centers that needs clearing. The root chakra deals with nurture, abundance, and survival in all of its positive and negative potentials. It is also supposedly the first chakra to be cleared when kundalini moves. The truth is, the FORCE of awakening will “pierce” each of the seven chakras in one rather easy operation which I experienced in only moments. No problem. But the clearing of those centers was a different story. Each chakra is made up of multiple dimensions or levels, each “level” corresponding to an aspect of the self, from body, mental, emotional, and prannic bodies. For me, I guess I saved the best for last.

When I awoke, I was shown how the light body operates. I had been seeing energy before that time, so what I was was a much more refined and more detailed view into the lines of force in the light body that I had not seen before when I see the aura. In fact, I often helped to release blocks in the person I was connected to when I first awoke, what some call the Twin Soul, or Ray. These soul connections are not unusual for awakenings and are a growing phenomenon. I grew to know how these lines of energy responded by observing how what I was seeing some 1500 miles from the person I was connected to (and who I had not even met at the time) and was able to see how these lines responded from a manipulation of them from a distance. This was a “combing” which I did that I found had beneficial effects on the person I was sharing this space with. it was a crash course in energy body dynamics. That was in 2007. Ever since I seem able to follow intuition fairly well so that I either wind up in the perfect place for what I need or in the right level of awareness so that I can hear what needs to be conveyed to me in order to do the next step in the work. Usually. I wont say it has been perfect and I am sure there were times my guides would say that they had a few days where they were waiting on me to come back to earth so we could get to work.

It was about a month ago when I had a release from the Ida current, the line or naddis that travels upwards on the left side of the body in the area known as the root chakra. This was the result of an event that had perhaps either assisted or helped to trigger the release of some material. I had had someone in my family who had died the same day and I was lying down to meditate, not to make contact with them, but to check in to see how they were doing. I was not expecting to have a full brief from them about what had taken place immediately following their death. But that is what happened. As this person was leaving, she did something, almost in an off-handed way where she touched my side, which triggered an awareness in me all of a sudden, a series of images that I didn’t fully understand but sense was from something a long time ago….lifetimes ago. But after this happened, I began to feel the now-familiar sense of energy moving in me. By looking at whatever this scene was stored in my memory and my body (in my root) just the mere AWARENESS of its presence was enough to begin stirring and loosening the junk.

Normally, material is said to flow up and OUT in the Hindu chakra system. And for me in some cases, this is what has happened, but not always. In some cases, the energy has gone OUTWARD from the center. In some cases, it has sunk, in others it has lifted away and poof! Gone. I think getting hung up on the ROUTE energy takes can be itself a limiting thing. For example, when this energy lifted, it did not go UP the trunk of my body. I initially felt that my awareness was helping it to move beyond the vibrational frequency imposed by the root as it moved into the area associated with the sacral and then the solar plexus. As I was able to let it flow upwards in this way it was like shifting the vibratory frequency of something so that it simply no longer was what it was a few moments before. It was a literally transmutation. Voila! The energy kept going upwards and then it flowed down my arm. Thick and strong, I felt it running through me. I began to shake my left hand and arm vigorously. I had not heard that you should do this. it just kind of came to me. Made sense. So I did. Withing moments the energy was gone from my arm. I later learned that the arms and hands serve as an exit point in Chinese medicine. So there. In the moment, the knowing was there with me to just do it.

Then I was shown a new way to look at the energy body. Some of this is hard to articulate so I don’t know how well I will do. Normally when I think of my energy I visualize based on me being in my body and looking at it and feeling the area in question or I look at it from a distance as though I am looking straight on at myself. This is the same way that I usually see it when I would remote view the person I shared my soul connection with. But very recently, a few days ago in fact, as I was lying down thinking about releasing material on the other side of the meridians, in what is called the Pengali naddi, I felt my higher self telling me to look at this differently then I had ever before. None of it made any sense at the time and it was very much like showing someone who knows nothing about how to do something how to do it for the first time. I was shown to look down INTO my body like I have done before but now to look at the lines of energy from above as though I am staring DOWN into them like a tube. I had always looked at blocks at kind of clustering along certain routes along these lines. “Just do it this way because you wont get it unless you do it this way.” So I did. I simply imagined it in my head how it would look and as I did an image began to resolve. I began seeing one main line with one line that broke off from it, something I assume went down to the legs perhaps? It didn’t seem to be important. What was important was that I SEE whatever this next part was. So I looked at it. As I did this I felt myself saying to this other part of me, which I know is the higher self, “Okay, I am doing this thing you were telling me to do…now what?” Nothing happened. I began to wonder what the whole purpose was of this exercise until something DID happen….

I was lying there relaxed and seeing down into these lines of force, the on naddi or meridian that is near my right hip. They actually have several that all go upward….and these were all connected not so much by the energy going through them specifically but by the effect each one had on the other like radiant lines of force. Watching I was shown this cluster of….dark lines is all I can describe them, as running down the length of a section of the meridian. This line had several dots, indications that something was there, like a series of small blocks adding up to one big block. As soon as I saw this and connected the dots down the line, I felt a series of very sharp pains that shot down along this meridian or naddi. It went down, it went up. I was vaguelly aware of a smiling presence that then said, “THAT is what had to happen for you to move forward….THAT was the next step and you would not have gotten it by seeing it any other way.”

It is a bit like being awakened in the middle of the night, told to take part in a mysterious form of surgery and then not really fully told what it was for. Except there is a slip of my awareness that “has” it I just don’t know how to explain it. For some reason, the block had to be seen the way it was because of how it expressed itself. This has been THE single most difficult block I have EVER had to deal with. It is like lifting a twenty tone boulder with a small crowbar. I am actually at the point now where I am moving this mass but it has meant doing it smart and this is where the higher self, the accelerated mind comes in. This accelerated mind corresponds when a series of triggers are flipped both in consciousness and in the body. A shift in awareness changes the chemical balance in the body allowing for more endorphins and dopamine to be produced, which in turn allows the body to become even more relaxed, surrendering more to the energy in consciousness free from the constraints of limiting beliefs. Boom. Light bulb moment. Thing is, once you “get” the hang of it, you can cultivate these states for doing a heck of a lot of very valuable work. In times when I have no idea what on earth I am supposed to do, I am shown. “I” do not need to know. But beyond this 3-D mind focused so narrowly is a part of myself that has it. This is why I have no problem “imagining” what all of this stuff is because I know that imagination is itself merely the gateway for my awareness to become aware of more material. We here think its just fabricated when in truth its already been fabricated and is being presented through the faculties of the part of the mind that can “see” things and visualize stuff. So often we ask ourselves, “How did I know to do that?” But we DO know. It is actually all there and we here are just beginning to catch up to it. The only difference between something you really DID imagine and something already there that you tapped via the imagination is that the the thing you DID imagine wont be anywhere near as perfectly put together. it will seem more effort. The pre-prepared form will itself seem effortless most often. You will grow used to learning how to follow it. This works best for people who can suspend disbelief and who allow themselves broad range to “play” within their minds.

SO I have no idea what the next step is in all of this where the root chakra work is concerned. Each day there comes more material and it SEEMS as though its all in a given order. Almost every day. It is weird. if I was my old self, I would have ignored this and thought it was all just kind of crazy. But not anymore. I watch attentively at each and every happening. Yesterday I was gripped with a need to take a quick nap before taking an errand and when I awoke I was seized with a sudden realization that not only did I not know where I was, I didn’t know WHO I was. This was not some bout of memory loss, but served to do something that had been taking place within dreams, which seems to be attacking the core of something that has been very difficult for me and which has helped fuel this core root issue for so long. It was accompanied by a very different sense of awareness. It was like who I am without the self I am so directly focused. By doing feeling this I felt an amazing sense of freedom and peace. It also released something from my awareness the very issues that need to be released. It was like an incremental movement, seemingly inconsequential, but necessary.

This issue goes way back I sense, but here in this body I am doing all kinds of things to shift and lift and move that big old impossible boulder. Some days I feel like what I am doing is shooting water under the boulder just to get it to slide a few fractions of an inch to one side. Each movement leads to another, which leads to another. My higher self, I sense, is following what it knows is a prudent path towards healing given how I am composed down on this level. Crafty higher self. Truth is, ALL of this could have, in theory, been dropped in a moment….thousands and thousands of blocks both small and big, all gone like that. But is it really practical? Nope. In fact, it is more practical to expect that we go at this one step at a time.

And that is just what I am doing. Allowing this self to show me the way. It may not always make sense at the time, and I might be left hanging for a few days or even weeks, but invariably an event will come along in perfect timing that will serve to do something to shift the next part inside of me that will eventually lead up to one big release of this block. In truth, what some would call a block in the root has been a block that has shared a vibrational familiarity with both root AND sacral. It expressed itself in the beginning as being like a womb of sorts, which, if you have been following the blog, might remember me mentioning something about earlier in the summer (or spring?). Regardless, this blocked creative energy will express itself in a new way so that it no longer acts like a block and is gone.

So for anyone doing this kind of work, the process can be easy if you let it. For me, I have found I simply have to have faith in my imagination, my mind’s eye, which is in truth what we know to be the third eye. If it not meant to be there, it will go away quickly. If it persists, chances are that it serves a purpose and you should pay some attention to it in some way. But being open to seeing things differently is the central core theme in all of this. So your resistance to being able to change something in you could well be part of a central belief that is sabotaging you and keeping success from your reach. When you feel like you are all out of options, I suggest creating new ones.

kundlini2

If you have had mental health issues in the past related to depression, anxiety, or trauma regardless of whether it is from childhood or is more recent, seeking to awaken kundalini is not the smartest thing that you could contemplate doing. Seeking to knowingly awaken kundalini before doing inner work to help resolve old conflicts from within can lead to problems later on. Spontaneous awakenings may well be the result of many smaller clearings over a period of time, but actively seeking kundalini without a practice to support it I think is crazy. It is crazy because if your own psyche is under a lot of conflict and strain as it is, what do you think that an awakening will do?

I have said before here and in other places that the term kundalini psychosis is not some mental disease, but is rather a person’s response to the flow of life force in one’s being. Some people can let go and allow it to play through while others may respond in fear. Some do a little bit of both. But this psychosis is firmly planted in our ability or lack thereof of surrendering to this force within. It isn’t that kundalini is dangerous, it is that having a self that is less than healthy and ready for “the ride” IS a danger to itself. It is not pretty watching people express multiple personality disorder, fits of anxiety, delusion and psychotic episodes. Really! I don’t ever speak about this aspect of the experience, always seeking instead to explain that it is very much HOW you look at it. And it is. Part of this is in how you, right now, are ready for such a life changing process to unwind in you. If I had done kundalini yoga, I would have worked more on my own inner life prior to awakening if I had a chance.

That said, the first year saw the removal of more psychic material in that time than had happened in my life up to that point. This is just how powerful this force is. No guru, no therapist, no one to except this abiding force doing the work. Except for a few rather memorable events with a therapist which involved an energy “reset” and a guided journey into the self using visualization to help plumb and release old stored material, the force of awakening has largely been the responsible force for the work done thus far. But by understanding the sheer weight of dross we all carry, all of this comes up in awakening. Think of what happens when you stir a pond that has been still for years. What happens? Muck is stirred up. You must have a very good grip on yourself to not become reactive and wind up hurting others around you. Again, a practice would help in cases like this. Think of how often we are not honest with who and what we are with ourselves, with our families and friends. I wound up redoing all of this and it was not easy with people who were caught in the trap of the dysfunction. It is like a circular argument: how do you exit the dysfunction when you and the Other are caught in it and are reinforcing each other? Round and round it goes. And then, you simply step off the merry go round and swear not to go back on it again. I have been there before. Until the material is released, problems can continue. Honesty with the self and others is huge here at a time when you may feel the most laid open and vulnerable.

So as kundalini becomes ever-more popular in yoga circles and the blogosphere, bear this in mind. Being prepared is the first step, not the last. Sweep the path clean so when you roll over that path, it is smoother. We all owe it to ourselves. There is nothing like it, and because of this, treat it with respect and care; once you turn it on, it is most often on from now on!

Everything we do rests under the canopy of spirit.  In everything, it is everything.  Knowing who we are is a spiritual act.  But so is laughing and sleeping. So inextricably bound, nothing is not spiritual.  The question for me is what quality is it? Bright  and beautiful or dark and troubled?  Further, what is success for one is not for another. We each measure based on who we are…

Most often to be happy we just ignore what remains to be resolved.  Which is best? Clear or ignored? For me, I have a life that showed me the consequences of what turning a blind eye to the things I needed to clear up in me.  I know how challenging it has been to dig out of a place like that.  I had tried to fit in and in so doing set my heart and soul at odds with my own creative potential..  This boxed me in to a life and career that just wasn’t fully me.  I told myself I was close…but when the spirit awakens, nothing but total restoration will do. 

It can be difficult…friends dropped out of my life, but so many remained.  I realized what a perfect teacher; bless them on their path. They are following what their insides call them….acts which will add up to their own light-bulb moment.  But when I worried over their innabilit to let go and let love? I found myself judging and getting captured by my own karmic snares.

I hunger to know what is up ahead.  This has been the real me and it got me to this place.  I think I will take the uncertain path rather than the known.  I seek a place free in myself from all the things that have kept me from being anything less than I am.

That is success for me.

If the teachings are to be believed, desire is one of the cul-de-sacs of spiritual work.  It is desire that very quickly tangles us up and suddenly takes us from ardent seeker to mash potatoes in no time flat.  So it is something we must guard against, returning to the seemingly elusive “zero” of the Zen Buddhists?  This is a place of non-attachment which so many teachings point out is the buggaboo of spiritual work.  And many follow these edicts mindlessly without comprehension.  These become catch phrases that so many have said that they don’t get examined.  Maybe people are afraid to buck any trend for fear of looking foolish….or actually thinking for themselves.  So I am going to give you my take from a man who has experienced awakening.

You see, the problem with losing all desire is that the desire to lose it is…..(chuckle) itself a form of desire.  Something just ‘aint right in the land of the great cosmic muffin!  What’s even worse is that our continual desire (ack!  there is that word again) to merge with the divine is…..DESIRE.  So sticky a thing!  Even talking about not wanting it….brings it up.  So what’s the problem?  Obviously, I am exaggerating just a bit, but not much!  But you BET there is a problem here, and it isn’t quite what some of the teachers would have you believe.  So many have spent so much energy running from it that they have not realized that this is more mastery than denial.  Denial…..well….denial is the worst of diseases, right?  It shuts you down in no time flat!  So many neurosis’s are tied to this.  And teachers speaking of denying desire?  Really?

The problem, the only real problem, with desire, is that desire so naturally reflects our own inner karmas. When I say karma, what I mean is what karma is at its very core; a misalignment to a divine presence that just so happens to be in all things. Karma is itself the outcome of a mismatch between us and the divine…..the higher expression of what we are and what is the universe.  When out of alignment, things are, well, glitchy.  This “glitchy” is karma. So instead of being able to reach for the perfect divine love, you get close, but not quite.  There is a little problem…..maybe a sense of loss….or a bit of fear….or jealousy…..or really, any NUMBER of things!  THAT is the karma I am talking about. When you have fear, you then ACT out of that fear.  When you are jealous, well, most often that jealousy results in your ACTING all manner of ways (some of them quite silly, right?)….and yet there it is. It is a missalignment with the divine because when you touch it feel it, you can feel all the karma in you in a moment like that in a way that is illuminating.  And yet, you would think a moment like that owuld have the power to just melt it all away….except it doesn’t.  All this does is make you AWARE.  And it is this AWARENESS that works away at it, like a millstone grinding all that grit down to dust…..letting it just wash away into nothing until it is no more.

And I know that this might sound different from how many have grown accustomed to thinking or talking about it, but trust me when I say, this is the very core of what drives ALL karma.  Yes, it is defined as “action” by the Hindu monks, but that action must come about by way of intent….a person with certain thoughts and feelings who then ACTS.  Karma is NOT punishment as many seem to suggest.  Not at all.  But the further you are from Divine Alignment, the more you will suffer and the more you will most likely bring suffering on others.  THAT is because, I say, the universe favors good over bad.  We can, and do, do both, but when you choose the good, good naturally makes more of itself.  So, simply put, choose the good!  But you wont be able to do good if you don’t FEEL good.  And THAT is the core of “spiritual” work.  I put that in quotes because EVERYTHING we do is de-facto spiritual.

How you speak, carry yourself, breath and sleep….it is ALL spirit!  And thus, it is spiritual.  And the core of all of this is the Creator.  It is in everything and is everywhere.  It is in you, aunt Tilly, and it is in me, too!  It is the universal solvent, the answer to every tune, the universal material upon which everything is built. It is running in everything! That is actually incredibly awesome and every single thing I have EVER experienced when experiencing it, which has been a near overwhelm in the form of desire…..but a desire not quite like earthly desire.  Certainly, absolutely, modeled on earthly desire but lacking many qualities that enter into other lower vibrational forms of desire (like lust for example).  And the love I have felt has been  so remarkable that there was NO QUESTION that the Creator, as presence in all of this loves us all in every form of love there is.  This is the hallmark of a being that simply lives without ANY limit.  And if it does, its so far ahead of us in terms of its being that it looks entirely limitless through our binoculars.

So what IS the deal with desire?  Good question.  Really good question, actually.

Desire refines as we refine.  The more we reach this “zero” point, the less competing material that gets in the way of an experience of the divine.  And where is it you find this divine?  Within. Nowhere else but there.  Every single action or reaction that you think or feel is all based on something inside of you.  The people you find interesting or beautiful or handsome…..all of that is based on what is within you.  So when we say that someone MAKES us feel a certain way?  Really, it is your very own reaction at work there.  And suffering?  Suffering comes from the same place, too.  Inside.  Expectations dashed, all of that.  Messy business, but a business that leads to a souls liberation if you are “on it” which is to say “aware.” And desire?  It continues. We think there is some place of completion that we will reach simply…….because…..we desire it so badly!

The humanity!

But you know something?  All this talk about reaching zero….I think it serves a really important purpose.  I have been living it, haltingly, willingly, brilliantly, and darkly.  I know it seven ways to Sunday.  And since I am not a buddhist or a Hindu I can say that I have done a lot of work…..there is more to go, but I have been really hard at this work….the koshas have been cleared from five layers deep through all but two centers in completion.  One center has been just barely touched and this was, it seems, saved for last.  I have “worked” hard at it for years and just let it undo me. Deeper and deeper I go.   So I think that based on my evolving sense of what desire is I can offer you this one tidbit.  It is either wise or insane.  You get to decide.  I am either delusional or divine.  What I am saying is that there is something about desire that bothers me still, after all of this….

We want to think that we are complete and whole at that place.  But what I sense after doing all of this work is that we didn’t come here to be complete or whole. We came here to be gloriously human.  That means that we are like one small flower on a vast tree of cosmic awareness.  There will be time enough to know ourselves as entirely unbounded and free.  We did not come here to be free, but to free the world so that it might resolve into a new creation.  Some will say this world will stay the way it is….that there will be terrible things happening here forever…..but in the core of my being, I know that we will evolve this planet and the consciousness upon it.  There will be a “divergence” that will take place, yes, and two worlds will divide.  What will that mean and what will that look like? I wont presume to know what exists beyond my own karmic blinders. But whole? Do you feel how you are one with everything?  That is wholeness of a kind.  Does this resolve into wholeness within you?

And yes, we become aware of our being as if it is one flower on a vast tree.  And we can feel ourselves as this tree, as the wind, the water flowing by and the mountains rolling off into the distance and even the planet and stars. There seems to me a beautiful poetry in our limited frames.  Just little ol’ us swinging through the vast night of stars and space dust.  It seems that we came her not to experience being whole but to appreciate how we are one in a multitudes of one’s. You know?  And desire is enough to keep us yearning to be ONE.  And you know, desire is enough to keep us disatisfied because desire always speaks and yearns from a place of MORE.  The great thing about desire is it moves you forward. It moves you closer to Creator.  It moves you through a career.  Sometimes it can move your out of one life into another.  Desire is so powerful, so useful, I would NEVER seek to remove it from my life.  In its purest expression it is without peer.  In fact, desire in its highest expression is very much WHAT a part that the divine IS.

And I know that for the bean counters out there, and the scribes and scholars, none of this is worth looking into or considering.  And I just don’t really care.  I just don’t.  I woke up a Tantric.  It seems it is an important part of what I am.  I very much want to touch the universal current of the creative force moving through all things.  Forget what you think you know about tantra as a sexual practice.  At its core, its not about sex at all. In fact I would even say that most forms of Tantra that involve more than one person embodied are tender traps in the beginning of spiritual awakening/work. Get it right in YOU and then you can get it right with another.

But complete?  Honestly, love is not about completion.  Love is about a continual, perennial, engagement.  It is, in its purest sense, its own reward.  When we can be like this, within zero, not entirely detached, but free from entangling belief and its karma, we begin to get this beautiful view of who we are….and how we can be with another…..or how we can be with God…..how we can be with the world.

Truth be told, waking up to the divine within is enough to SHOW you how complete you can be…..but we here are like dust specks on a giant dust speck whirling around in space.  Inconsequential perhaps at first glance but the miracle is how incredibly consequential everything actually is.  And when we can rise to that great challenge, I suppose we have the makings of a darn near perfect world.  That, or it will be a wreck.  But I think it will be amazing if we just set aside all the competing material away and let it all go……to zero.

But do you know anyone who has reached zero?  Me either.  We continue to work, incomplete, suffering on our way to the promise land.  But you know, the sky gets brighter, better, and more beautiful each and every time I step into the world where there is less and less of the junk….the limiting belief….that has framed so much of our world here.  The whole point of desire is not to be entirely complete.  Completion itself sounds so boring, no?  Yes, I am ready for zero.  I am working to get there and what I now sense is that zero is just another level to be where we are no longer dogged by the incredible neurosis that is anything more, or less, than zero.  You know? Life beyond all insanity that is our world.  A stranger, perhaps, on this earth, but AT LEAST at a place where all the old stuff no longer reigns supreme.  Anger, jealousy, fear of loss, loss, fear, lust.

So that’s it.  Wandering buddha-boy just speaking his truth.  It may not be YOUR truth, but what I know is that this world is full of people who so badly WANT to BE a certain way that they will convince themselves of a mountain of things.  We all do it.  Climbing out of that place is what moving to zero is all about in my opinion.  I just want to save you the mystical mumbo-jumboness of making this ride all about giving it all up for some cosmic form of Lent.  There is a LOT to give up….for sure…..but keep it in perspective. When it all goes, what do you think will be left?  I really hope you will think about that for the next week….because it is a biggie….and I really am curious to know.

Until then, enjoy this life with a side of grand desire because it seems to go with everything!

 

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