I have not been as loyal a poster as of late with a growing array of changes taking place all over the place.  I have also found that what once was a process I did not mind to convey to others has turned much more….private. And for a variety of reasons.  As the layers have fallen away, how I feel and react and respond to a wide range of things has undergone a big change.  What once was more at a distance is now suddenly up close. This inward process, though, has returned me to an old and familiar feeling that has accompanied kundalini.  It’s a mix of things, and the difference now is that I have more experience with this feeling, which is itself so intense that it can bowl you over with waves of bliss or  make me wind up feeling….defeated.   The energy is itself a builder of awareness which means that EVERYTHING seems as though it is under a microscope.  Good when you are ready to deal with the stuff, but hard when you are feeling a need to be more quiet, catch your breath, have a moment to yourself.  You see, this kundalini is relentless!  Seven years ago it began and it was a task master going from the outer layers to the innermost layers, erasing the old knotted material, releasing ancient issues, leaving me like a lake that continues to clarify with fewer areas of murkiness.

The trick for me is in allowing myself to FEEL this roughness within, to get down into it and allow the presence of my own awareness to shine its light on the hard places within that are lurking, not wishing to see the light of day.  It is for this very reason that they have stayed where they have been, buried, latent, left for dead but in truth growing into a fossilized version of itself where, like stones, can be harder later to dig out.  But the advantage to stones instead of red-hot fiery rawness is that you can at least take a pry bar to these stones and pop them out of your inner realms and be done with it.  The things that are more raw and in my face have been active, alive, kept current by my attention, constantly fed by some stream of brokenness or a feeling of entitlement to feeling hurt or hard or any number of things.  We want to point fingers at others for why we feel the way we do and you know, the truth is, in the final analysis, the one that ultimately results in our surrender and forgiving ourselves, the realization has ALWAYS been that it was not some other who was really doing ANY of this to me.  It was me.  I created a magnetic attraction in my being that was beamed outward and could only attract those who were a match to that feeling.  The universe does not take sides.  It is neutral.  It is we who are not.  Energy will attract more like it.  the old saying “birds of a feather” is correct.  These can be great birds, or terrible ones.  Armed with ego and freewill, we get to choose.  Now, I am learning to choose…..differently.

For me, the hardest was saved for last.  With seven years of peeling away the layers and releasing untold numbers of energetic knots in what the Hindu call the naddis, those etheric or energetic fields of energy that make up a vast webwork, has resulted in some significant changes in my life.  And yet, I know this is no time to rest on my laurels…..because….well….the worst seems to have been saved for last.  This, the freshest of my past, the hardest seeming, the part I have been less able to make more distance with and allow to congeal into something I can pluck or pry out, I am left with this, the most challenging of my work.  And I say this only because you too may find yourself in similar waters, and I say never to get too bowled over or overcome.  Its hard, but it is worth it.  Always.

I have found that the more we try to make something happen, the more we wind up breaking the waveform necessary for new phenomenon to emerge.  This waveform is itself seeing without looking.  It is a doing without doing. It is the current I was shown last year one summer night as the current that moves from the left side of the body (Ida current-Yin-Feminine) and does a flip as it enters the head where it flows into the right brain and where it joins in the crown, the locus of the supposed final stage of enlightenment (I say supposed because even the “experts” on this don’t seem to have all the marbles in this one—it is much more nuanced and no absolute as all that: living in the heart center can bring the greatest reward sometimes than anything tied into the crown for example!).  It is here in the right brain, where this seeing differently can emerge and be used effectively.  It isn’t so much that the brain is the locus for the energy, but that it is a vast through-way of nerves that distribute the energy throughout the body and back again.  But it is here where we can direct that energy, which is not rational, is not about thought, but is itself a steady beam of awareness that is what the right brain is about in its higher expression.  And the energy in that form of awareness has a very real effect on events in your life.  it is doing without trying.  It most often feels to most people as a happy accident…..that happens as many times as you can maintain that steady beam of presence and awareness.  It is here that this presence, when allowed to flow into blockages with your own attention, that healing can happen the most effortlessly.  To me, I experience it as a kind of cosmic partnership:  the kundalini force identifies the block if I am not yet aware of it and my attention then goes to the location.  The presence, or intelligence that is kundalini will then wait, turning and turning, seemingly doing nothing….but it is in fact doing something.  Sometimes if I can forgive the block, let go, or in some way change how I feel, the process is greatly accelerated.  If I am just as stuck as can be, I plead ignorance and ask silently to be shown, guided.  I remain like a child.  I remain open.  I watch for those signs, all of them, little ones, all seeming “coincidences” to some folks, but the coincidences that pile up day after day until I observe and get the message.  it usually does not take more than one or two to direct my attention in the right way.  This might seem vague, and in a way it might just be. What I know to do is to not engage my rational self, my left brain in any of this.  Otherwise, I can get stuck, because it seems that in the left brain there is the ability to identify individual objects as things that are separate.  This is also where a sense of self or identity as related to ego also emerges.  Ego is itself an object.  Ego sees itself as itself.  It sees all other things as the “other.”  On the one hand, this is critical for survival, but is a handicap when doing this higher order work where ego must be left back in the kitchen watching from the back window. It is the holistic side of ourselves, our immensely broad and undivided sides of ourselves that have something important to offer.  This side of us can glimpse the vastness of everything, how everything is connected.  When things work right, the realization is passed on to the left brain where the vastness is put into perspective for dealing with life here in the object-based reality of our world here.  When it works, it is the cosmic Shakti and Shiva working together, the yin and yang, the left and right now moving evenly together.  It is in the end not one or the other, but a harmony of both.

The truth in all of this is that most professionals who are trained in psychology are ill-equipped to handle this kind of process that actually involves real healing. I recently spoke with a veteran counselor about what it was she did for her clients and “healing” was not one of them.  She shook her head and explained that the most she does is to provide her clients with ways to cope because, she suggested, and rightly so, healing was something that always happened when the client was ready.  True enough.  But a process that does not seek healing directly? Really? I am sure there must be therapists out there who view what they do as healing.  There has to be. And yet, I have found that the most benefit I have gained in my process has not been from therapists with a degree and licensure, but from people who consider that healing is even possible in the first place.  I recently read a quote from Carl Jung who actually pooh-pooed traditional psychotherapy and therapists as the way to reach healing.  This is what he said:

Anyone who wants to know the human psyche will learn next to nothing from experimental psychology. He would be better advised to abandon exact science, put away his scholar’s gown, bid farewell to his study, and wander with human heart through the world. There in the horrors of prisons, lunatic asylums and hospitals, in drab suburban pubs, in brothels and gambling-hells, in the salons of the elegant, the Stock Exchanges, socialist meetings, churches, revivalist gatherings and ecstatic sects, through love and hate, through the experience of passion in every form in his own body, he would reap richer stores of knowledge than text-books a foot thick could give him, and he will know how to doctor the sick with a real knowledge of the human soul. — Carl Jung (from “New Paths in Psychology”, in Collected Papers on Analytic Psychology, London, 1916)

The truth here is that if you cannot learn how to take responsibility for your own life and your own healing, no one is going to be able to help you.  You will keep attracting all the wrong events, outcomes, and people for all the “right” reasons (according to how the law of attraction works).  And this is why I have found myself in a place of transition, change, and I hope, the most needed healing in what has been a veritable warehouse once full of backed up material, all now released.

So reaching this empty state that some describe it, is another step along the way.  Being able to reach a place of buoyant neutrality I sense is an important milestone for being able to know thyself in a way where there is less chatter from the blockages, the old hurts, the investment in what was and the inevitability of what must then follow. Round and round we go until this happens.  And this place, I ardently seek…..by bidding it much like how one bids wild animals into ones yard.  Elusive, unexpected, perhaps, when they do show, incredible things can happen.  We wait until we find that perfect moment when something inside reminds us how to be, the way forward, like some forgotten route through the soul…like that forgotten land of Narnia.  Its entrance is pure magic and we are that magic, folks!  What lies in this last place is what has actually been part of a generational thing that goes back.  Family karma, I sense.  And for as big and foreboding as that all sounds, I sense that when it goes, it will be like….Poof!  Gone.  “What?  Its GONE?  Really?  Like that?”  “Yes, just like that.”

So in the meantime, I am looking at so many different possibilities, it has been hard to not settle on any one that should be the way.  In just the last day the perfect job in what might be the worst possible place has emerged, which naturally has me wondering whether what I THINK this portends is accurate.  We do, after all, see things as we are instead of as they are.  This job would be perfect, though, a veritable once in a lifetime kind of opportunity.  But what does it mean if it happens?  Is there a surprise in all of this oddness about location?    I think before I get ahead of myself, just letting the wheels roll forward is the best way forward.  As with all things like this, if its “right” for the time, the universe will conspire to make it so.  As with all things, right?

Meantime, I continue research on creativity and racking up sources I want to use for the work.  I don’t know if it will be a short piece or a book.  It could be a book, but with so much done on creativity, I am still getting a handle on the field.  In my library alone there are scores of books on the subject, and all of them are very good.  I am trying to discover whether what I have identified is new or different enough to warrant going forward.  And reading the Mahabharata, starting seeds early like beans, peas, and kale, getting flower seeds packed for a reader in the U.K. from my flower garden largess that created vast amounts of flower seed which will also make my own flower planting plentiful this year.  I am starting a partnership with a new farmers market who wants artisans to sell locally made work, getting my finished book Waking The Infinite read and reviewed for what to do in the way of further editing, riding my bike a LOT and working on the change that has put me where I am….perfectly placed….with a big microscope placed on my insides in a way that feels hard and also welcome.  Its like eating food that is almost too spicy to handle; the burn brings many benefits.

So for now, I may be offline more and worry not; I think you should go into the archivesand discover some older posts because I think there are some gems there!