Archives for the month of: January, 2014

I have heard that no one can say that they awakened on their own, that it can only happen with a guru, and only after cleansing then  naddis, the currents that carry energy through the body.  There are many observations like this, and they are not on the mark.  We also are limited by how awakening is described by other cultures such as how Shakti is kundalini that clears the body and then reaches Shiva in the crown.  This ca n be a little confusing, even though these concepts or images serve to describe what awakening is about.  There is, though, a different way to understand what is going on in consciousness and in the body and I have made careful observations during awakening that may help you to relate to the anatomy of awakening a little better.

Awakening is initiated when you remove enough competing material within yourself.  What keeps you slumbering is the backlog of material that serves to divide you.  For most people, this material is not what many are aware of, and yet your light body, your energy field exists like a very real circuitry that exists entirely as an energetic construct but is nevertheless real.  Examples of how this circuitry works is in observing how Chinese Medicine views these energy channels.  There are very specific points where metal needles can be placed to aid in drawing current through these blocked areas.  When cleared, you feel very different.  Anyone who has had energy work done can attest to the effects clearing blocks have on how you feel.  these blocks can be moved by a variety of means, such as energy work, and it can also be done by resolving emotional issues that serve to hold you back in any number of ways.  Clearing these things can most often trigger awakening.  Exactly at what point your work results in an awakening is not as clear except that most people report a sense as though they wondered if there wasn’t something more.  Just this impetus to find this “more” can often be the very catalyst that draws together the two ends of your energy field which have until this time remained divided.  When the flow is allowed to move both in the body AND awareness, you have the makings of awakening.

Your body is made up of a vascular system that carries iron rich blood through your body.  It is the flow of this iron that creates a low level electrical charge and a subsequent electromagnetic field around your body.  It is this field that your consciousness rides and it is the charged electrical particles called electrons that your neurocircuitry uses in order to function.  This is a very real system that is as physical as any bone or blood vessel in your body except instead of being made up of  blood, bone, or proteins, it is energy.  This energy is expressed as a type of torus around your body and can be seen by sensitives as the human aura.  This field makes up all major systems of the body as well as mind and emotions as layers in the aura.  These layers do not take up any space and they nestle into the same “space” as the other.  The entire energy field carries all information about physical function such as your health as well as your thought or mental energy.  Your emotions also express through this energy field and the aura can be “read” by those who know how to tune this energy in.  This is a sensitivity that we all natively possess, so whether you see or feel an aura, the level of information can be the same regardless how it is perceived.

This torus is very similar to the torus of electromagnetic energy that surrounds the earth as well as any object that has metals moving within them that are molten.  It is known that a great deal of electricity can be generated by this molten metal flow, so you see a broad range of energy, of which electricity is only a small part, created by the likes of stars for example.  All of these bodies always have north and south polarities.  It is this polarity that corresponds with consciousness in our bodies and thus you see a negative and positive current running through the body and then makes a flip as it enters each of our two very different brains, the left and right hemispheres.

If you are still with me, it is the increase or facilitating of this energy flow in the body that brings about the radical change called awakening.  Why?  The two polar energies, or seemingly polar energies are now allowed the necessary awareness and flow in your body that gives you the energetic jolt up the spine that looks for all intents and purposes as the body getting used to this higher flow of electricity within it.  As this energy flows, so too does consciousness become capacitated or greatly increased.  This is also what we describe as the Shakti and Shiva because of how they feel in the body and in consciousness.

There actually IS no woman nor man.  These are qualities of energy that FEEL this way.  But what they are doing is the result of a very simple thing you can learn to do to bid them, which is to balance the left and right brain together I unity.  It is here that the prism of awakening is discovered and it is perhaps why we speak of the “two” merging in the crown chakra where enlightenment  is supposed to take place.  When you observe humankind objectively you see a very left-brained dominance.  People who are creative are generally considered dreamy-eyed kooks, impractical dreamers, while more linear and left brained people are considered normal.  We are used to reason and logic, and it is in the left brain that we identify individual objects, their order, or how to order and classify them.  These centers are involved in dis tilling information down, thus abstract reasoning is centered here when it involves acts of condensing material to simpler forms.  This is what language is, a series of symbols meant to represent sounds, not the actual sounds themselves, as well as the ability to create things like icons or symbols which all represent a contracted or abstracted version of something real.  The left brain sees the small picture and has brought us math, computer code, and the wheel.

The right brain, which is fed by currents of energy from the left side of the body, commonly called the Yin (Chinese) or Ida (Hindu) currents.  They are so called because they are cooler energies and correspond to those qualities which we see reflected (prismaticaly) within the right brain.  To know Shakti, you will know that this is the part of us that can stand back and see the bigger picture, is intuitive, and is less involved in language and abstractions as it is in feeling.  It is this part of our brains, that our modern research is revealing, that serves as a parallel  processor instead of a linear one, such as the left brain is.  This right brain sees vast vistas, takes in large swaths of information easily.  When people have had damage to their left brains they often find they have savant-like abilities.  The truth here is that the left brain serves as a brake to the seemingly mystical states of “seeing it all” so we remain locked into a very limited scope of experience of our left brains.  I have observed that those students who were able to turn off their chatty left brains, these were always the students who excelled at art.  They were not caught wondering what would happen next and instead were able to immerse themselves IN THE MOMENT which was where the BIG PICTURE emerges, the self finds peace and sees differently.

All of this is what awakening is about, which is learning to balance the two sides of this powerful energy within.  The answer for a peaceful experience is in shifting away from a left brained dominance to a more balanced right brain (Shakti) so that we may experience the burst of recognition in our energy body and brain located in the crown.

All of this is both electrical, physical, and cosmic (consciousness) altogether as one single functioning unified sense of being.  This is why the only time I EVER achieved bliss was when I was able to balance ALL aspects of my being, which also includes endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine, as well as adrenaline.  All of these compounds have all come together to form he chemical basis for awakening.  How do I know this?  When awakening was moving at its peak and I was experiencing a 24/7 flow of adrenaline, I also experienced a heightened state of awareness of body and consciousness during this time and also read up on what each of these compounds do in our bodies.  In a very real way, these compounds are living emotions in the body that serve to do different things to our physiology.  By knowing how to actually learn how to feel a certain way in order to boost these chemicals in the body.  This was done simply by calling up certain feelings at the right time in order to catalyze or spark the creation or release of the right compounds in the body.  This may sound crazy, but with kundalini driving awareness so keenly and with adrenaline moving for days at a time without any let-up, I was I forced to learn how to balance my system or go out of my mind.  This was the hardest period in my life where I spent hours in a comfortable position tears streaming down my face as I tried over and over to effect a change in my physiology.  All of this was learned during a period one can call The Dark Night Of The Soul.  Learning how to control all of this is about learning how to feel and be different.  This is not itself something that everyone can survive and while I do not offer any cautions about initiating awakening, I think my own words may help to spell out the realities of this experience.

Uncertainty, which also locks us in our survivalist left brains also sparks adrenaline.  Surrender generates compounds that mimic the feeling of the right brained big picture.  Seeing the big picture, we do not get caught up in the details.  When you worry about what comes next, you are caught in a linear thought and being mode.  Until you balance the two states, you can yo-yo between them.  The goal is to find a state of stasis or balance.  All of nature, if you observe, seeks this state.

No matter how “beyond” this all feels, it is in truth courtesy of your brain and it’s ability to mirror consciousness so that it can be experienced  as an accurate reconstruction, mirror, or analog of what we experience that is beyond our mere bodies….but these “mere” bodies are amazing analog generators.  The body IS the soul in flesh!

All of this works together once you allow it.  Those who are “mental” as the zen master Taishen Deshimuru once observed, have the hardest time with awakening.  What we was describing was what happens when we try to apply the left brain operations in a situation that now needs the right brain to do the heavy duty processing of information.  The left brain handles particles while the right brain I handles waves.  Particles are limited while waves are not.  The Yantras of the Hindu simulate the wave awareness of the right brain in their repetitive forms that mimic how waves behave.  Concurrent with all of this is the concept of the fractal.  Caught up in the minutiae is the left brain, happily cataloging while the right brain is observing and conceiving the larger forms and how they relate from small to large.  At a certain point, you must be able to embrace your feeling right brain if you are ever to make sense of awakening In a meaningful way.  Once you have, you will have gone beyond language as a way to properly or effectively describe it.

Eliminate what divides you.  Frustrated over something from your past?  Feel blocked by an event that was unresolved?  Do you feel a struggle within?  By clearing these things from your awareness, and thus light body, you are much closer into awakening.  By being silent and focused on just how your energy feels, you can identify its origins, and in so doing, may serve to release it, if that is your aim.  Realize that this is not a novelty or cool expereince.  It is full time and will make you feel taken apart in order to assemble you back, Osiris-like back to the being you were meant to be.  In the end, all of this is merely correcting centuries of error and karmic tangles.  The better able you are to embrace the goddess and god, the better able you can be a willing and excited participant in this experience.

So that is my postcard from the cosmic for you today.  I pray it finds you well.



Note: this is a piece that I started almost six months ago but hadn’t finished it.  Today I had enough time to sit down and edit and try to trim it down some and get it ready for consumption…It is based on my own experience, but it is also informed by numerous other accounts and people’s experience on the subject.

I was once fully believing in what was said about the Twin Soul.  I had an awakening that began to stir in mid-2016 with the “full” process unfolding in early 2017.  When this happened, I was aware of another person there within my awareness….sharing my inner-most space… with me.  Boom.  I felt as though I had transited into some strange new world.  At first, I thought that maybe this was temporary, like some kind of telepathy.  It was just so new, I had nothing to compare it to.

As time went on it became clear that I could feel what she was feeling and she was feeling what I was feeling.  In the beginning, I considered that maybe I was just somehow making this all up, or that the two of us were maybe psyching the other out somehow.  The rational mind was firmly in place even as the force of awakening was beginning to deconstruct and bring its inevitable change.

So we took notes.  For months we would check back with each other to compare with each other the things that we each felt, what time, and what stood out.  Over months of doing this it was clear that this was not some sort of self-delusion.  She was able to accurately pinpoint the minute where, for the first time, I had cried in a few years. She could trace the ups and downs of the energy in the day.  Sometimes I would read something and she would bring up the subject matter as though it had come from her own thoughts.  It was an other-worldly oddessey.

What made this so different was the intense feelings that came about through this experience.  Cosmic, certainly.  My physiology was changed, my mind was undergoing a kind of reformation right along with my emotions.  It took some time before I knew that the symptoms I was experiencing was kundalini, but what was very clear to me was the connection that had been forged suddenly, inexplicably, and from a distance of 1500 miles or so.  I didn’t know this person, at least not in this life.

What I have been describing is an aspect of awakening that many people are going through today that is popularly termed the “Twin” experience.  There are twin souls and Twin rays.  Depending on who you talk to, there is a difference.  What is common, though, is that an awakening has occurred in which two people have developed, often, an instantaneous connection that utilizes the light body in such ways that telepathy becomes the order of the day.  It drives bliss and it tends to make one feel as though they have connected to some hidden or”lost” aspect of their soul.

As I sat in meditation back in those early days, I asked the force, this very intelligent force, why it was there.  I asked what it was.  It obliged in both cases and explained in images, like waking dreams or inner visions, what was going on.  I was being met by an evolved form of energy that was a future version of me that had looped back to my time frame and was boosting my evolution through all time by moving through me.  It explained that normally we think of time as set when we think of the past, but that the past is in fact still very plastic. By going back through time it was able to boost its own evolution, explaining that as my growth accelerated in THIS probable past, it sent out ripples down into what I think of as the future, which it explained was simply an advanced state or awareness of itself.  It had the effect of opening the self that this self was/is in a way that might not have been possible in other ways.

What I suspect was being communicated is that this was my soul coming to call in a way that it could not do previously. Prior to awakening I observe, we are just too blocked for anything meaningful to get through that is transformative in nature (like the flow of prana that we term “kundalini”). The force also showed me that the work that it was here to do with me was to assist in the removal of repressed emotion, my “baggage” you could say,  everything that kept me from knowing my deeper divine self in an embodied fashion.  So this was how the work began in earnest.

I have spent each day with this force moving in me and assisting in removing a huge mass of material both from my life here and now as well as those that I have carried over from other lifetimes.  I have watched as the material went form the easy stuff to what is now the more dug-in material.  I have gone through all five of what the Hindu call the “koshas” which are what I think of as dimensional aspects of the energy body.  Each chakra, then, you see, has five sheaths or dimensional aspects that express body, mind, emotion, spirit, and prana. A block in one chakra in one kosha layer can be cleared and later you can wind up in the same chakra center clearing it again because a different kosha in the same center is now being cleared.  This was the work of awakening.  This is what the flow of prana does, what we call Awakening or Kundalini.  And I was connected to this person as part of this.  I naturally assumed that this person’s presence served a purpose, that it was connected to my awakening experience.  I had, after all, had dreams that foretold this event and the coming of three people into my life who I would know who would play central roles in my process. This was just prior to the full-on rise of awakening.

In the midst of this was the feeling of falling into the”thrall” of the energy that I felt was connected to this person.  In the beginning, it was this beautiful thing, wonderful, really.  But over time, as I tried to understand the connection, I found that the literature that describes this phenomenon kind of….came up short.  The community of people trying to understand this phenomenon would describe it in ways that sounded great, but in truth, it was really contradictory.  People would say “He is the most wonderful twin, and I love him so much…” and then, the weirdest thing would happen.  You have to wait for it….so often they would say “And I hate him, he is the hardest person to get along with!”  In fact, today, as I was preparing this, I did a survey of several blogs that espouse the Twin-Soul and Twin-Ray concept in the way that I first learned it and I kept seeing these comments in much the same way I have just related to you. And I think there is a reason for it that we don’t always admit or acknowledge.  The bliss and wonder just feels too good.  I think we are afraid that if we grow and move on that this wonder and bliss will somehow evaporate.  But awakening is a permanent feature to our lives.  But the web is full of this story that has caught on.  It has caught on because it sounds so good, and it seems to make some kind of sense.

The concept goes something like this:  the Twin is the other side of your soul.  You have been going through your whole reincarnational cycle waiting for this person to come along.  The purpose of the two of you is to reach a state of full union here on earth and that this is your last incarnation.There is NO karma with this twin.  They would never hurt you, ever. They connect you to incredible bliss and love in such a way that hurting the other side of themselves is just not something that would ever be considered..”  Or something very similar to that.  Cue the dolphins jumping in the moon light (actually, I think leaping dolphins are really cool, but I digress).  I am making light of it, but the experience is real and powerful and it is unlike anything you are bound to have ever felt before.  By just thinking about this other person it is as though you are accessing a catalyst that drives orgasmic energy that ripples through your being.  The story as told is one in which twins are this model for the new paradigm, sainted beings put on earth to usher in a new age.

The problem was that this was not the case in my experience. In fact, my twin would have these ….temporal melt-downs every now and again.  In the beginning I figured that this was just her reaction to powerful energy and she should just be able to toss her fit. She would sometimes resort to cussing fits and she would say really mean things.  Then, a few seconds later, she would be quiet and calm as if nothing every happened.

“Wait.  Did you just see what you did just now?” “What?” she would ask, seemingly oblivious to what had just gone down.  I just shook my head.

Okay, I get it; we are human, too.  But, see, there is nothing about this when anyone talks about twins.  Not really.  Its all rainbows.  Whatever the challenges are, they are glossed over when you go to these sites.  It has the whiff of the myth.  And at the very least, there are a lot of misconceptions about this whole twin phenomenon.

When I went on the message boards that dealt with this discussion on this topic I found the stories were all the same.  I observed ALL of the behaviors as so similar. Different stories, all the same story. Everyone was battling the disparity over the fleshly real-world self and this seemingly divine awareness of self.

And then, there was that gulf.  And EVERYONE knew about it.  You know it if you have had this experience.  No, it is not easy to know what it is exactly, not at first, but it sits in the background is a much more powerful arbiter for this experience than you could have imagined.  It is brought about by the mass of your own karma….the negative karma….the shadow self….the samscara.

This gulf does not serve separation with your”twin” no, but there is something there….but what? Yes, this was the same for everyone.  The only difference was in how each person chose to respond to it.  Individuality in motion, right?

So the question became, if this story is true, that your Twin would not hurt or harm you, then why was there such a preponderance of the “twin blues” being expressed on the boards?  I get it; it was a place to vent, and in truth, there were people who quietly worked within the experience to understand, grow, maybe be better.  Yes, heavenly feelings, they would say, but twin is not with them.  Nearly ALL of them. So few every really were married or in relationships with each other.  What?  Why not? Oh.

The gulf.  Mind the gap, lads and lasses….

This is the dark wind that breathes coolly between you and the other.  I know you know exactly what I mean, people.  That bit of mystery.  You have not been able to penetrate it.  And I will boldly say, you never will as long as your soul is unable to give up the concept of the twin as presently conceived.  It will remain a stumbling block.  Why?  Because the twin becomes the dose of endorphins for the day, the deep sensuality in body and soul. The twin is a connection, most often, through karma, often negative karma, and the attraction being created is what I think of as a “reverse” polarity draw.  This is the pecularity with energy; you can draw based on positive and negative aspects.  What would normally repel can wind up, in another life, to be a draw.  Sounds a little non-intuitive, I know, but I see it over and over and over and…. And we each fear giving this up and so what do we do? We keep the gulf, that gap, in place.  It is out on the edge.  Beyond your fear.  I ask; will you step out on the ledge with me and be willing to risk everything for what lies beyond that wind-driven dark nothingness?  You have to be willing to die to attain it.  The room goes quiet.  “Who the heck does this guy think he is?”


You have to die to who you think you are.  When you read about all these wise cats from India, they talk about the false self.  Or illusion.  All of it is created, and it has its own reality, but it may not be the most authentic version of your highest realization. And so, most people get taken down by awakening, peeled down, taken apart, reworked, their foundations scattered and put back together.  We are a generation of Osiris’s whether we be male or female.  And the gap?  That gap seems to promise us endless sensual bliss as long as we keep a little of it in place.  I am saying this because honestly, there were so few people who were event talking about getting to a better place, to really “ascend” as so many are so fond of saying.  When I read the work of people who talk about “ascending” I find they are the ones doing it the least.  I mean, what gives?  Are we really THAT guilty of projection and all the rest?  I am beginning to think that the people who talk the most about ego death are the ones who have ego firmly planted the most, or that those who ascend know they are not ascended, but boy do they wish they were.  How about this; a little honesty?  If you did that, you would inspire a new generation to be human and to ask how to reach across the gulf to do the real work of being and becoming.  The truth is, no one knows what this ascension is.  Everyone likes to use it, but really, what does it mean outside of a vague notion?  No, you have no idea what it entails because the process you are in folks is robbing yourself of all of the false, the lies you told yourself about yourself, the wishes that did not really fit you, the looks you yearned for that would never match you and this caused suffering….the jobs you did not get because they would have made you unhappy but instead you were unhappy that you didn’t get it.  This is all of what Gautama described as the suffering.  This is not a time that is rich in embodiment, but a time of doing something foundational and really important to your spiritual evolution that will send powerful ripples out through time.  You are the rock mover, the dam deconstructor, and your soul made you for this purpose. You are here for this, right?

I have been through this more than once, this twin experience.  I had two even though they say you can’t have but one.  What I observe is that I have never seen a single case of a true Twin soul as described in the literature.  Not once.  It is like an image of a unicorn that is running up ahead of us.  It is always up ahead.  It is never really here.  It is like the Loch Ness Monster and the Yeti. We hear their plaintive cries in the night, or think we do, but we never stand before it, flesh, blood, and bone.

But the image of the unicorn, caught in the dreamy-eyed light is so much more grand when we let it run up ahead of us so we can imagine it in those otherworldly terms, right?  Come on, admit it, what I am telling you is true.  The chance to catch that fleeting image in the soft focus of 50 feet away is so much more preferred than seeing things up close with sharp focus, right?  And this is just what the experience of the soul brings.  It doesn’t NEED to be realistic; it is infinite.  It knows EVERYTHING is possible because….it has seen it.  It knows it.  But the difference is that we here have not and we need to manifest whatever it is that we are going to create.  That is a very different kind of work, a different focus altogether.  You can learn a lot from your soul about how to do things.  Just ask; it exists outside of time and can give you the cheat sheet.  Try it sometime.  I delved into this and did the work on this so I know it exists.  I wont bother trying to wrap it in some fairy tale story.  You will have to do the work and determine if what I said holds water.  Go looking.  But do you know what I mean when I say this?  The soul has seen it all and it is in this place of undivided innocence of a sort while we here in this focus are creating, making, learning, as if it had never been learned before!  What!  Okay, I will save that for another day what THAT is all about….

It is true.  In fact, unicorns are real, but not in this world.  No, I absolutely agree, unicorns like the one I just described DO exist, but they are not made of flesh and bone.  The trick, it seems, is how to bring their magic into the moment.  Here.  Because friends, if we do not, then the world will just roll its eyes at us and we will retreat into the private world of those twin boards in order to vent or whatever, right?

I just think that we need to get real with all of this.  I sense that this lack of living in the moment, in the flesh and blood and boundless soulfulness of this experience will not serve us.  Any of us.  I know it did not work for me.  It did not serve me in my release of old karmic material. It is time that we get real with it.  And why?  Because there is a world of people who are just stuck.  They are. Stuck in the heaven of the “twin” experience when the story is itself a fairy tale.  They are in these tar pits, trying to pull their “twin” out with them and all the while they are just digging themselves into it.

You might wonder why it is that the more people “try” the more stuck they become?  Its because YOU are not the part that does the healing.  the higher self does.  There is no way that your earthly self has any ability whatsoever to effect healing for yourself.  YOU are a channel, you see.  Your higher self, it has the power.  You, you are just learning here.  This is why we all talk about this surrender idea.  What do you think you are surrendering to?  We are alike this. Children, really. The more someone tries to put themselves out there as knowledgeable, the more suspicious I am.  But the bliss is necessary so that you will be willing to surrender just long enough for the rough stuff inside of you to slip away into the night.  No one wants to empty out their garage.  Never.  We all say we want to clean it out, but most folks have to get to the very edge of sanity before they will consider just backing the truck up to the door and giving the heave-ho. Let’s just be real here.  And this is what the twin experience is all about.  Yes, we touch heaven, but we also touch earth.

I’m not angry.  I am not upset.  People assume that I am when I speak this way.  But no, in truth I go deep within and when I read the “library” that is out there in the cosmos what I see is actually something different from what some people have described.


For what it is worth, this is what I have dug up.

We are each masculine and feminine within.  We are.  This is what the force of kundalini is, a dimensional aspect of the feminine and masculine, not expressed as a sexual orientation, but as soul, as consciousness.  We each have had various lives as both men and women.  the biggest hurdle for most people is the idea that they were the opposite sex because, well, homophobia. Inside of everything there resides this presence that is so hard to describe….it is at once a channel for energy, and IS the energy, and IS itself.  And then you are there, or the rock or water molecule, bird, or bacterium. This current makes up the positive and negative poles necessary to drive reality.  And it is in everything, holding this whole thing together moment by micro moment.  This is the dual, the twin, you see.  What we are missing is already inside of us.

The twin force is not “out there” but is alive in every subatomic particle and in every star.  It makes up the matter of the physical universe and it animates conscious living tissue in a blissful way.  It does.  And so many of us are shut off from it.  These, we call those who slumber.Those who have awakened, whether they know it or not, have removed enough emotional material out of their way to allow for the twin force of the yin and yang to touch, to move into unity, into union.  And when this happens, there is most often a flash of intense white light and the other symptoms that follow in the wake of awakening.  But its union.  And it naturally drives us to want to BE in union.  In our lives, in our work, in our spiritual lives.  All of it.  Because the world is actually designed with this in mind.  All of nature is interconnected.  When I had my first experience with nonduality, the day “this” moved inside of me I saw how I saw that everything was “family” and I was a part of it.  The joke being, that the family is a really really really big one (every atom in the entire universe for starters…).

Do I think that this means that twins are not real?  Well, I ask you, have you ever met anyone who has had the experience of the stereotypical twin?  Have you?  If you have, let’s talk.  I’d love to meet them and learn more about this phenomenon.  But you know, I have never met one.  Not one.  And yet people keep talking about it as though it is a thing.  Maybe it is a distraction from the very important work of becoming.  Maybe?

But the baseline energy of the cosmos?  Its bliss.  Our bodies are designed for it.  In fact, our brains are wired for the pleasure by putting out reward chemistry for it.  All of this is compliments of two forces that turn and duck and sway all through us from toe to crown and builds incredible bliss, bliss that is strong enough to tear down our sacred cows and castles and desires to chase unicorns…And these two energies in each of us, all of us, is an important part of this. You cannot have what is called the kundalini shakti without the shiva side of the force.  This is not a force that exists independent of one another.  If you were to take the positive or negative away from what we think of as kundalini, all would go silent.  Energy would withdraw from our universe and the screen would just wink out.  Hard to imagine, right?  One does not exist without the other.


When we are heterosexual, we align along male or female sexual orientation,and are drawn to the opposite physically, traditionally. But this is only sexual orientation and says nothing of the deeper more nuanced story of the soul which is more than just female or male, or bisexual, say.

In non-traditional pairings, there is still an energetic dynamic at play.  At the base of this experience, in its core, is always an interaction with the cosmic emanations that are both us and the universe.  I know how that sounds.  But this experience spawns the experience of nonduality, that moment when your energy rides on the nadis, where you experience, directly the fire from heaven that pulses through you and into the other and then develops this circuitry that you feel powerfully in the moment when you are together and also when you are miles away. The male energy radiating outward connects to the feminine and flows through a creative presence that is the feminine.  This is a part of the experience of what we describe the twin phenomenon. This is a sharing of prana. It is transferable.We go from the circuitry of our single selves to the circuitry of two people-as-one.  This is not an illusion.  It is real.

When my “twin” said she didn’t feel the bliss, something that I felt all the time but that she didn’t know herself, I explained she needed to breathe deep and listen to my words.  In a matter of moments, she had it.  Like magic. This was done over the phone, across the miles. I could do this because of the connection.  I could incline her toward bliss by feeling it in myself and then transferring it to her own mind because she was in touch with my own.  This is a life that is lived from the inside out, not from the outside, in.  We serve as reminders to the other about how we can be simply through feeling.  When the other can feel what you feel they can learn to feel differently in the case of someone who does not have the same hitches as you. It is a cheat. Just like the soul coming in and bringing this experience, that too could be called a cheat.  It is the best sort of cheat out there.  It at the very least helps to catalyze a new direction or focus.  And then, we have to chop wood, carry water, which is to say we have to work on the personality in order to grow it into a new direction, to erase all of the deep grooves of whatever undesirable behavior there is in us that has kept us tangled up in something that is less than our highest.


I know from the work I have done that what we experience as masculine and feminine in awakening, not just as sexual orientation, is an energy in consciousness that is indeed a polarity.  Here, in our lives as physical beings, we experience the dimension of this force as sexual orientation and as physical sexual orientation (male or female).  But this division itself is only a seeming.  It is not a literal spiritual division.  We are both. Within us, whether either of us wants to admit it, we carry some proportion of masculine and feminine traits.  We do.  And one day, as I went deep, I found myself experiencing a life as a woman.  And just so you know, I am a man (a very heterosexual man).  The experience of being a woman did something to me that opened me up in ways I had been blocked.  I was able to observe that while I was remembering this lifetime in my past, I also felt that the polarity of my sexual energy had flipped not unlike how the polarity of the earth’s poles might flip magnetically from north to south.  I had this slight edge of concern because when I felt the flip take place, it was strong, the same way that a magnet might flip when its same pole from another magnet is put in close proximity to it.  But I went with it.

Instead of my energy going outward, I felt it going inward.  I found how my focus and attention was of my beloved moving all through my heart mind and body.  When I was able to completely let go of what I now know was a trace of homophobia, I could embrace this experience. It taught me a lot about the feminine.  It cleared a block as I did this which opened up a large flow of energy.

The point I am getting around to making is that our energy is itself aligned a certain way in each lifetime to suit our purposes for that life.  In my life I have a blend of both masculine and feminine traits.  These traits make me strong, but they also make me receptive.  They also make me wildly creative, as I have lived my life as an artist professionally since 1996. But there are different alignments along this spectrum, too, and all of them are each just as valid as any other.  But all of this is begging the question: what does this have to do with twins?

I know I go far afield….Let me ask you a question:  here we are as physical beings.  We all know that we are all pretty messed up here on this planet.  There is so much hurt here in all of us.  There is.   It is what we are dealing with in this focus.  But it is JUST a focus.  It is where this part of us is right now.  We wake up and we begin to feel this cosmic energy moving through us.  What is that all about?

Yeah. What is that all about?  Is it possible that in our focus here, shut down as we have all been for so long, that when we wake up some, what we are doing is we are waking up to the energies that the Soul lives in natively as part of its eternal existence?  When we speak of twin, aren’t we simply talking about the confluence of soul energy, which is a pure powerful and unlimited (potentially) pulse of love that gets magnetized and drawn when we have karmic issues with another person who may also be awakened?  And is it possible that the soul is working out its own issues through us and its own karmic material even as we ourselves create our own.  We aren’t just puppets.  And working out karma is a necessary step in clearing the decks enough so that we can come into a greater awareness of what we are at the level of the soul? Add the flow of prana to karma you have with another person and what do you get?

I mean, aren’t all of these connections just that, karmic connections that have as part of their character all of this fear and running and love and bliss all wrapped up together and what we are each experiencing is both our infinite nature and our finite nature all at once?  And is it just possible, then, that what we are doing is seeking to heal that gap, that rift, that is symbolized by our own karmic troubles that another person is a compliment of/for?  Is it possible that what we each are feeling are our souls and that this powerful energy, when it flows through us, intensifies everything we experience (which includes our sexual draw to another) but that this is happening most often, if not always, through the karma?  Again, a reverse polarity draw? Search your memories if you can access them.  In every single case where a “twin” remembers their past with their “twin” there is always an experience that goes something like this: “He stepped onto the boat and I never saw him again.” Or, “I stood as I watched her being killed as I was helpless to save her, watching as her body was slipped into the grave” or, “A great wave came, one after the other until the boat was capsized. Everyone died. I have carried this guilt over leading them into that storm ever since.”  Something happens that we just can’t get over….and we die and carry it over into the next life.  It serves to shape events in our lives.  It attracts certain people whose own karma is a compliment to our own karma.  If its a case of feeling powerless, then there will be someone who disempowers you.  If it is some deep guilt, there will be someone there pointing the finger at you.  It isn’t that the karma is the same, folks, its that it is complimentary.  You don’t even need to remember anything form your past, though.  Its truth is right here with you now.  If you want to know what your past has been like, look at how you feel and think in your present life.  Don’t like it?  You can change it.  And doing so will change your lifetimes in both directions in time.  Look at where you are and this will tell you your challenges down through time.  the more foundational the issue, the deeper it drives through lifetimes.  It is also often the hardest at excavating from your mind.  Mind the gap.

We like to think in terms of black and white so often.  We can’t, some of us, even imagine how it could even be possible for us to be drawn to a person who, say, stabbed us to death in a past life and we come back starry-eyed about them in a future life.  How does THAT make ANY sense, right?  And yet, all of energy is this way….whether it is expressed in its shadow or light, ANY energy can be an attractive force even if it is what we would think of as “repulsive” or negative (the back stabber, or the one who could not be with us or who abandoned us or simply fill in the blank with your preferred trauma of the day).

As I look back on all of it, I see how I got snagged in my karma in the past.  This snag actually represents a glitch in my ability to feel myself as anything less than what my soul is in its unlimited, unbound, being.  And make no mistake; the soul is independent of time and space, so it is possible for each of us to know our souls in their highest forms dimensionally.  This is, I contend, the very thing that drives all of the cosmic energy, the bliss, the wonder, the awe, and the “5-D” experience as so many have called it.  And that snag formed the basis for a connection later in a life where I awakened the pranic force in awareness.  Simple.  I know it is not intuitive to some folks that energy is this way, but you can see people engaging negatively with each other just as passionately as some people do in a positive way.  These are simply opposite ends of the spectrum.  But with so many people engaging in what winds up being that gulf, the rift, the gap that exists in that dark land “out there” there is often an inability to honestly grapple with the larger issues.  They just seem….so beyond us.  And yet, it really isn’t beyond us at all, is it?  If we have been touched by the cosmic, then we are that, right?  So let’s roll up our sleeves and tend to this gap, right?

The only problem here is that while karma SEEMS to be something that we are entangled in with another, this is just not true.  If you get really honest with yourself you can see how YOU chose to respond in a way that resulted in your feeling less than your divine self.  That means you felt hurt or pain or anything that is less than bliss, right?  I can see how my own “twin” would say I made her feel a certain way.  No, actually, I am not her maker.  I did not make her feel any sort of way.  She made herself feel a certain way.  And this was the substance of her own karmic tangle with me and with others, too.  She believed that I let her down or that I did not love her enough.  But the truth was, I shone with the brilliance with all I could be in the moment, karmic tangle and all.  She chose to want to make someone responsible for how she felt.  But it was she who was feeling this all along, and as long as she did this, she fooled herself into this very dysfunctional way of being (which was karmic because it was not her highest truth). So I ask you to think on what it is that snags you.  What is it?  If you look at it honestly, you can, very quickly, speed yourself to the very nucleus of the karmic tangle with this other person.  You can.

I went round and round with my “twin” on this for years.  I finally woke up to the realization that I had been trying to please everybody in order to win their acceptance or approval.  Why?  This was the hard part.  I did this because….I could not approve of myself. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with ANYONE else on the planet.  It was my own shit.  Mine.  And when I got a handle on that, I began to heal it.  One day, when I returned to speak with my twin, to try and see what it was that I could try and help in healing, she said something that just flipped a switch in my head.  She said, “You know, I am really happy.”  In a flash, all of the energy just dropped away.  It was less that I felt a loss, and more like I broke through some kind of gap or barrier that I had inside of myself.  Poof, it was gone.  All of the tension just evaporated.  What was left was a feeling of easiness. I felt free.  And so did she.  No longer did I feel this compulsion to return over and over to try and complete something.  It was done.  A layer was peeled away and the gap dissapeared. My own energy flowed more freely.  I didn’t feel fear or angst amidst the bliss.  It was just gone.  It was less filled with drama, and it also lost an edge of intensity.  But I also felt more intense within myself.  I also was able to see how self-honesty really did win the day.

I am saying all of this only because I sense that this is what each person in these “twin” relationships is dealing with.  We are all drawing from the same well and we are all slapping our own labels on the same water bottles.  We each make it fit our own circumstances and turns of mind and heart….but at its core it is all the same; we face the inevitable contrast that exists between what we are here on the planet as 3-D beings and what we feel our souls are.  Form the soul we are now opened some and feel the bliss to varying degrees….but we are also grappling with the messy part of being human.  But by cleaning up that mess, I have found, it all can get easier.  And if its not easier, there is more work to do. Chop wood, haul water. I think in all truth what we are here to do is to marry our physical limited selves to the soul in order to create a new synthesis, in much the same way that my own soul told me it was doubling back through time to catalyze change in me now that would ripple down through all my futures in order to lift itself up in that time outside of time.  So what is this force?  As I see it, the force is prana, a very refined conscious energy that is not divided.  It is like water….it flows through us, makes itself a part of us and then flows through the rest of the universe as the universal force that animates all reality and consciousness.  To say it is apart from us misses the point.  It is us and we are it.  As such, prana makes us into something more just as we make more prana by interacting with it.  Creator becomes created….and the created creates the creator…..adding to it in ways we can scarcely imagine.  It is like a beautiful mystery that we open up to as we ourselves grow and accelerate our own consciousness or awareness of who and what we are (which is infinite).

This force is the force that is alive in the universe.  It washes us free from shame when we open to its grand healing force and it crushes us when we resist it.  Right?  But we are each this twin within.  Already!  We were never NOT complete.  And yet, being social creatures, we crave connection, and I think that this is what all of this is about. Our loneliness.  And this loneliness has, over lifetimes, lead to karma.  A desire for that “One” that mythicaly proportioned part of ourselves that exists like our unicorn, prancing in soft focus a few hills and vales ahead of us, always a little elusive.



What I sense through all of this is that in truth we are dealing with karma.  Be honest, look within, and don’t try to blame anyone for your misfortune or else you will get stuck.  And you can also get stuck in the “forever” feeling of the bliss.  If you make it all about the other person as I did in the beginning, you can become dependent on how they are as a baseline for how you are.  Then what you have done is made someone else responsible for how YOU feel.  THAT is codependent.  Someone once told me that in scuba diving they used to have a rule that everyone had to have a dive buddy.  They still do.  But whenever someone had a problem with their equipment, the buddy was supposed to go to the one having the trouble and give them a little of their air.  They were to reach a place of stability at the bottom of the sea floor and once they had each gotten enough air, they were to slowly ascend to the surface of the water and to safety. But what was observed was that people did not ascend.  Instead, they stayed, breathing the air and often wound up running out of oxygen and dying as a result.  I think that in many ways this is what is happening with a lot of people today who are caught in the bliss of the Other and do not push themselves to do the work that they are here to do; to heal that gap, that rift, which the Hindu call “samscara” or soul scar.  Otherwise, you are a person who has inherited a great treasure but are unable to use it.  You awaken, but you do not improve or evolve.  And isn’t this what awakening is all about?

The challenge with someone who shares karma is that by connecting in this way, the karmic energy is intensified.  Rumi said something, I think, about just feeling a burning building.  Just leave it.  By going back to try and “fix” it, we each descend back into the karma.  Ask yourself what is yours to heal.  Do that work.  Surrender.  Let it go.  And then, if beyond the karma there is something there for you and your “twin” then it will be.  And if not, then there was an important lesson learned and a lot of healing that took place.  But we do not go into karma with another, we simply find a foil for that karma.  I might feel the need to gain approval because I lack that in myself, so the foil for me is to find someone who will approve of me.  Except the glitch here, if you will notice, is that rarely will you really find someone who will deeply accept and approve of you until you can find it first within yourself.  You gotta be really honest here…whatever the karma is.  Pick the flavor…your choice.  But be honest with it. Then you can heal it.

Its not easy to be so incredibly honest with ourselves.  But I can tell you that when you feel the dread or the hard feelings in awakening, THAT is your shadow lurking.  THAT is the awareness of your own karmic backlog.  And while its hard to feel it, liberating it is so freeing and so healing.  Suddenly, by healing some block, you wind up erasing a small part (or even a large part) of that samscara.  And how beautiful is that?

I remain unconvinced that there is such a thing as a true twin soul.  I say this because I have not yet seen it.  I know some have said it exists, but no one seems to have an experience that matches the perfection of it.  Maybe what all of this is is just our awareness of our own soul perfection and we are each trying to embody it in our lives right now.  And if that is so, then the “twin” simply helps us in pointing out where our rough edges are.  Yes, it can lead to pain-and what is this pain, though?   But no, it belongs to no one else but us. When we can get that honest, then perhaps we can use the force of awakening to our own advantage and rocket ourselves to a better place.  The lure of remaining in the “forever” of the bliss can become a stumbling block.

Lord knows the world needs more people who are easy in themselves and who have blazed a trail through the collective awareness of the species in order to effect a miracle for themselves.  What we each do in this regard accrues to ALL of us.  I know this to be true.  It is part of higher-dimensional awareness.  We are all really one.  We never were separate.  This is the illusion fueled by our own over-reliance upon the ego and on the self.  We will always remain self, for it is that self that knows that when it touches the divine it is “it” who is doing it.  You see?  It is like this big experiment in a particular focus in awareness that we are each experiencing….All one, all individual, and all here working it all out. I remain hopeful because the current trend in awakenings is a pretty audacious outcome with so many of us waking up.  But waking up is just the beginning.  We each have so much to work through; how to get out of our rational left brains and into our right brains more….into the “shakti” side of ourselves in order to be more receptive, softer, gentled, and full of our grace.

I know this has been a lot to digest.  I do hope, though, that it helps you to see things with a renewed perspective.  All is not lost.  Is there a way to learn how to work with these higher-order connections?  Maybe there is.  Maybe until we are able to clear away the “debt load” on ourselves in much the same way that the Hindu monks do in preparation for kundalini, working for years to clear the energetic channels called nadis, things will remain turbulent based on whatever our own personal karmic issues are.  But far from considering karma a punishment, karma is simply HOW you choose to see the world and respond to it.  When you change one, you can change the other.  Being aware that we can change is what gives me great hope for all of us.

I know that I have not given you neat tips for coping with your twin. Instead of that, I hope I have helped you to gain some insight into this phenomenon and learn to see the bigger picture so that you can grasp the bigger issues that rest in your own soul life.

All my blessings!


We are the ones who get in our own way, never realizing sometimes just how we sabotage ourselves.  So much of our suffering comes from looking outwardly and pointing to others, outside, for why we suffer, or why we have troubles or grudges or hurts or issues.  Year after year, layer by layer, I have watched as my life has changed right along with these changes within my own awareness…..old knots, blocks, samscaras, transmuted, replaced by the opposite the very next moment.  The very next moment.  I release a big old block from my heart and within hours the phone is ringing, resources of a different source pour in where before its shadow was all that could get through.  And it is why we feel the world is out to get us because these shadows are there IN us, and we do not realize its not the world that is set against us, but that a part of the world is its ability to mirror what we are, to follow our FEELINGS which are so often governed by our shadow or latent hurt or sense of somehow being limited…..but it isn’t the world as much as it is our impact energetically on the world.  The world, I know, is a chalkboard, a clean slate, a neutral slate, actually, upon which we write such permanent feeling things. It is only we who give them power.  But we shake our fists at this chalk dust and say how unfair the world is.  It is just chalk.  It is ours.  When we own it, we can release it. Face it, forgive it.

Every time I have ever sought to forgive another for the hurt done to me during this journey into myself has resulted in my becoming aware that it was not the Other that I needed to forgive, but that it was myself that needed to forgive itself.   Something in me seems magnetized, highly aware of the truth in this one shining moment of realization, as each time it was something I could not forgive myself, something that I held seemingly against the world that resolved all the way back to its roots into me.  Karma is never created because of another.  Never.  Karma is created by each of us on our own because of choices we each make in how we choose to respond, feel, or react. Choices that are based on how we choose to feel and react to the reality before us.  Many of these reactions aren’t even based on knowing the full story.  We assume, we let our beliefs or biases fill the gap in our understanding of what is true and then we MAKE that filling-in of that gap a reality, but all it ever was, was something based on HOW we were, not how the world was at all.  A parent, working long hours, is believed to be uncaring of his child because, after all, if he cared, he would be at home.  And yet, the bigger story is…well…much bigger than what the child sees or assumes.  We are all like this, misperceiving the world, seeing things as we are rather than how things are.  And this is how these misalignments lead us to karmic battles within us. We can spend lifetimes there running through the same cycles over and over until deep grooves are cut into our being which we carry over and over like old baggage from the 5th Century BC.  We go into it with our freewill and we get out of it through our freewill.  Clearing karma is clearing ones own soul.  I laugh when I think of some God judging us.  This sense of conscience exists in all things!  All things.  Even in the atom, even in the water that flows.  We each know what is right even though we have sought to hide the truth from ourselves.  But in pulling back the curtain with self honesty, these illusions cannot stand for very long.  Karma can be released quickly if you are ready.  Its is as easy or as hard as we make it. Being compassionate with ourselves and others is what most often provides the necessary sense of safety in exploring without fear of retribution, but in honestly and in our own way…..which often means going our own way.

And so, in this leg of the journey, I have found myself in a hard spot within myself.  I have realized that I have so many incredible resources that have emerged as a result of this journey, why would I let one old funky hard feeling trip me up?  Why?  No reason for that.  When I think of something, it comes to pass. Why not run with it?  Why not live abundantly?  The only thing holding me back is some old funky thing within….but even that has been only subject to a habit I have of reflecting on how others might see me or feel about me. Really.  What kind of crazy stuff is that? It is the last shovel-full of manure to be tossed from the stable of my soul.  And really, how I manifest has been pretty amazing……it is something we can all do.  It si what we are, what we each were born to do once we get out of our own way.

A few weeks ago as I drove out of my driveway it struck me that I really needed to contact a local news station to tell them about my efforts with my business, to help get the word out.  I knew that with what I did, they would probably be all over it, excited to do a story on a unique take on the holiday season.  But I stopped short.  I told myself that was too self-serving, too much….SOMETHING.  Maybe some misplaced voice was saying it was innapropriate somehow.  And yet, a story by them would have so helped me at a time when I needed it most! So I deferred.  In a few days, though, after announcing events at my studio through social media, I got a request from someone who wanted to come to my business to make some glass.  This person turned out to be a local news station meteorologist.  I again deferred saying anything that might seem self serving to this lady while she paid me to spend some hours making a variety of things she had always wanted to do with hot glass.  I knew she may have gotten pestered a lot in this way by the public.  She was at the studio to honor her Mother and make some glass.  I explained to her and her Mom what I say to most people; I am leveraging the resources I can to get the word out about my business locally, which means facebook and other sites.  If she wanted to say something about her experience, great.  I don’t twist arms, I want it to come in a genuine way, never forced.  When it is done in the right spirit, it just soars, you know?

So it came to pass that this lady could not get away to get her glass she had blown the week before.  For some reason my merchant account was not being agreeable about dealing with her credit card.  I was unable to collect payment for the private class she set up at the studio for that day when she came so I was eager to get her glass to her.  I was able to meet her to give her her glass and it turned out she took the glass back to the studio and showed some of the reporters what she had made (all of which was really great stuff) and I got a contact that same night from a reporter wanting to do a story on the studio.  So even though I resisted following through with my intention, my wish, my hope, the universe pretty well elbowed its way into my life and brought me what I needed.  Granted, it all came a couple of weeks late, it still came pretty swiftly for a guy who was resisting so hard!

Similar examples abound……events which were cancelled by others who withdrew support suddenly bloomed into the single most succesful weekend of the season…..a full two weeks past the Holidays!  Following in the wake of such hard changes, I dispaired over being able to garner the resources I needed in order to keep life and my business on a more even keel…..and yet….and yet….I felt within me this gathering storm of abundance that I knew could be tapped as though an endless spring moved beyond the small unassuming stop-cock that held back the ocean of energy and possibility, just waiting to happen, to flow into my life.  On top of this, people who had come out during Christmas were eager to come again. Others stepped in, bringing their friends and coworkers with joy and enthusiasm that quite literally lit up the studio.  On this visit one of the people who saved the day, pretty much singlehandedly, by being a supporter, said how he knew one of the anchors at another local station; he was close friends and suggested that I utilize this resource to help push the studio into a new level of exposure.  All of this coming all on its own, all stemming from an intention I have made, asking, “Mamma Universe, you are limitless even as I may think I am limited; bear to me your blessings and abundance so that I may bring my gift to my neighbors and community…”

It realy isn’t about money or things.  Its about feeling safe, about feeling supported by a force so large, it is all around us.  Had I not felt this abundance of soul come down around me that Summer night and heard Her voice speaking to me saying “Let go, let all of this hurt flow into me, let it go, let all of that old poison flow out from you into me; I shall transmute it by my blessings.  You do not know HOW to Forgive this and you don’t NEED to…you need only let go of it for a second so that it can be mine and then it will be gone….” I might not have fully realized the nature of this force….and like that, it was gone.  Like that, the tables turned from lack to greater abundance.  Abundance in feeling first.  The rest takes care of itself.  A clearer path for my own intention was what remained.  And really, that is all it is; getting the junk out of our own way so the magic  that is our own souls may better manifest as our hearts write new stories upon the chalkboard of the multiverse.  It sin’t the universe that judges us or decides.  It is in truth an inner authority, the divine within us, that does so.  When we can align to this, what I call Divine Alignment (it is also a blog by the same name), amazing things can happen for us, to us.

Just a few days ago I spoke to my daughter about the power of intention.  She has been able to see how this has worked, magically, for her Dad over the last few years.  Its not like it is a trick that I do.  I don’t.  I am not in control of what the universe sends me, but what it does send me is most often so perfect.  When I bought her a new bed, one that was taller than most beds, she said it would be great if we could find a desk that was flush with her bed so that she could sit on it and have her computer in front of her so she didn’t have to sit in a chair at her computer.  The following weekend we found someone had placed a wonderful oak desk by the curb, one that looked curiously close to what she had asked for in height.  Could it be?  There was also a desk chair that looked brand new, which was also one of the things on her list that she wanted for her room.  We set it up in the yard as we went on our errands and upon measuring it, it was the perfect height for what my daughter had wanted.  What were the chances?  This Christmas my daughter had mentioned that she wanted a very certain type of jacket for Christmas. Because of my lack of knowledge about how sizes are done with smaller kids, I was left guessing over whether a given size would be a good fit or not.  I needed to measure her to be sure, but I was never able to do this with how our schedule worked out.  I wound up with just a few days to do my gift shopping and had to pass on the coat.  This is a Navy peacoat, and her interest in it is based on how she had nestled into one of my coats which was a genuine peacoat style which she liked the feel of very much.  So this was a very specific style, not just any coat.  Last week I said I was sorry about not being able to get her the coat and suggested that we go down to the thrift store after making a clear intention to the Universe about having this type of coat.  I ended it with, “And we will know its being given when we ask that it be ten dollars!”  This was my way of adding an extra element in order to jack the odds.  We went down to the thrift store and lo and behold we found a peacoat in her size and color for $12.00!  I looked at her and asked her what the price was and gave her a sideward glance, saying, “Well, it was ALMOST the right price!”  Coats next to it were in the 20’s and 30’s.

Sometimes when I feel down, I shut myself off from these things happening…..I despair, or get down on myself, and forget that we are all this kind of magic, this kind of vibrant intention just waiting to leap out of the gate!  For my part, I feel a sense as though its just not my job to try and MAKE things happen, they come so naturally when I just step aside and trust in the universe.  And this is what I have been doing….I feel this massive abundance now that I know is just around the corner from me….why would I feel so impoverished with such incredible resources?  Why would I feel so limited when I have this father and mother who dwell within me, this yin and yang of the entirety of the universe that I can tap into with my own intention.  The purer and most direct the intention, the faster and more perfect the result!

The universe does not respond to thought alone.  It responds to FEELING.  Feeling itself is not some irrational thing, but it can have both negative and positive poles which we bring into the moment whether we are aware of it consciously or not.  This is why being in touch with all of your feelings and motivations are so important.  Do you feel worthy?  If you don’t, you will quite literally block the universe from flowing in an abundant way.  It is YOU who write  the story, so fill the story with the right feeling and it will be returned to you.  The WAY that you sow seeds is as important as the seeds that are sown.  Seeds sown in sorrow and lack tend to never even spring up and if they do, they can be children of the hand that scattered them.  So scatter your intention with joy and hopefulness and eliminate the feelings that say, “I never get what I ask for….” or “I am not worthy….” because regardless of the truth of this in the bigger picture (which is that you most certainly ARE worthy…we ALL are!), it is the picture that you are creating here and now. The problem with thought is that it can give you the grandest visions of how your life can be, but that is all it can ever be. You have to FEEL it all the way down to the bottom of your shoes and your soul before it can be something that will reflect this mental picture that you can see and know so well ….  BE it and it will show you itself AS you are.

We might appear to be limited finite beings, and in a very limited way we are….but just as a petal may think it is its own self, it is part of a larger body of being which is connected to a still larger being.  We are each multidimensional and the way toward glimpsing this is not through the rational at all, but through our one side that allows us to grasp the infinite; our feeling sides, our right brain, our boundless imagination, our own inner divine feminine, our Shakti who is the one who takes the masculine left brained intention (thought) and takes into her being so that this spark of thought is nurtured and  transformed  into an incredible miracle that is a new creation, a new life of sorts within our own lives.  This happens individually as it happens en masse.  We have an analog of the universe in us, a small mirror.  What do you wish to see in that mirror?  What brings you fulfillment?  What is in your highest to be, to do, to become?  Sometimes its the simple things….a desk for your daughter, a weekend at the studio helping people tap their inner creative fire, helping a friend selflessly, with full blessings and joy.  Sometimes its just getting the simplest of things for our most basic of  needs.  For me, I do not need much.  I just want to help change the world in whatever way I can that will lead to the highest.  Sometimes the highest is found in the simple things, which are  also glorious.

It has been a challenging time….perhaps no different from any other part of life where one makes compromises with ones very inner truth or being.  You would think that I would have gotten used to how this feels and avoid it, but there are still things to work on, to heal, to learn to be entirely true to without equivocation.

I had a long talk with my Mother about our lives as her children, as a family, about all the things that shaped us as a family so early, and how this all relates to what  has taken place the last few years in my own life, which, at the time, brought me to a feeling of being defeated. It was an icky feeling actually, one where I felt the voices of others telling me or suggesting something that I was simply not.  Actually, they were voices that matched my own sense of limitation and in hearing them, in mirroring them, they have been amplified.  Jane Robert’s Seth once said “Be careful of the gods you choose, for you will reinforce one another.”  And so it is with our negative karma.  Lucky us, though, that the same also applies to our positive karma too.  But feeling shitty about yourself when you know that there lies a divine template within you is a hard place to be. It is also one that does move, does get tumbled and turned in the self and eventually is healed, surrendered, transformed.

And so against this foggy backdrop something took shape as a result of weeks of meditation, intention, focus and bewilderment.  When you ask for help from within it tends to come.  It may not always be in that exact moment when you feel like you need it most, but in my own experience, because none of us does this alone, guides and helpers are there waiting in the wings of the ether to bring insight, aid, and a helping hand.  It just takes a little patience sometimes.

Today I noted that we will be getting unusually cold temperatures in our area, colder than they have been even in the last few weeks, which is saying a lot.  I finally had a free day where I could go out and begin work on a tree that I felled several weeks ago in order to make room for another tree that had begun to die so that it could be taken out before it begins to fall apart. I also need the wood, and while I felt bad about cutting a live tree, I prayed to that tree and explained what needed to be done.  I know, maybe that is funny to you, but I always do this because I have seen life force moving in trees for years and I know they have sentience even if the majority of people believe anything without a nervous system doesn’t FEEL. Well they do.  I was working on clearing away this tree and putting the much-needed fire wood into the van when it began.  It was a voice speaking to me.

For as long as I can remember certain vibrations seem to have encouraged an odd form of clairaudience in me.  Sitting on lawn mowers, tractors, and working chain saws and weed-eaters, I have had chapters of books dictated to me, poetry spoken, songs sung, and all kinds of amazing word spoken quite clearly and loudly for me to hear. This has gone on for years and I noticed it as a young teen when my grandfather first put me on his farm tractor and asked me if I could mow his fields for him.  How I experience it is as though a dual channel opens up inside of me or near my hearing centers. I can hear the noise of the equipment, yes, but I also hear this other thing just as clearly, and in some cases, even more clearly.  I once took to keeping a note pad as I mowed the grass not so long ago because the words that would be spoken to me would be so clear, so perfect, and sometimes, incredibly beautiful.  It seemed to be better than I could ever come up with and it seemed to flow flawlessly.  Sometimes I think that there is something odd about how I am wired and that when I get around sonorous sounds or loud vibrations of sound, it sparks this ability in me.  Who knows.

But this voice, which had an accompanying sense of presence, stood right next to me, behind me, as I sawed noisily away.  I had just been thinking about this junk I had been feeling in me and identifying that it isn’t really me, that somehow I have allowed others’ words about me to lure me into a way of being and feeling about myself that is not relevant anymore.  I was puzzling over how I could take all this one in this way when the voice spoke.  What was so odd were the words that it spoke, which at first had not meaning to me the way they had been spoken. It began with “You must learn how to take your suffrage….” which I knew to mean voting and yet, when I FELT the words, I knew it had nothing at all to do with voting.  And yet, I knew suffrage was a word that meant voting.  Suffrage was the right to vote.  Pure and simple.  Right?

However, when I looked up the word to see its etymology, I found that it had another lesser-known meaning that goes way back into antiquity.  It turns out that the word suffrage comes from middle English and while it was used mostly to describe the right to vote, it has another meaning that involves “A prayer or act of intercession or supplication.”  Now in the context in which what I was told while I was sawing away, this word followed the meaning of the rest of what had been said to me very well.  This inner voice spoke for several minutes and I recognized it as someone with whom I have had a long-standing relationship with in my life and had been speaking to this person over the last week as I began clearing my field of disruptive energies and beginning to heal from a time of difficulty. This is not a physical person, but a guide I have known for years throughout my life who has appeared at critical, sometimes even pivotal moments in my awakening.   The ability we have to dig deep and bring out the resources necessary for our own transformation is important…..sometimes it feels difficult, and sometimes it comes with the gentlest of grace, but it remains true that as you seek, and as you ask, it is given.  It might take a few days or weeks even, but if you keep asking and your aim remains true to your own inner purpose, need, and desire, nothing can stand in its way.  The meaning of this statement was something of an inside understanding for me and apparently him, which is that in the beginning he explained that if I called his name, he would be there.  He also probably observed how I did indeed call on my higher self during hard periods in awakening, willing to try ANYTHING in order to make the next breakthrough to help ease the suffering that can sometimes accompany such a vivid presence of energy that lights us up stem to stern and also makes us more aware of ALL of IT:  the good, the bad, the ugly, and beautiful.  I had done just that in the day prior to all of this a kind of prayer, supplication for the source of my own strength to be made clearer in my being, my heart, my mind.

Ultimately, finding your center, who you are without the distractions of what your own frailties might  drive in you, is the most important stretch of this journey for me and is so singular in its nature that nothing should get in the way.  I saw how the path I take is not one that will be easy or conventional, which has been one reason why I am simply not seen for who I am sometimes.  I am most often misunderstood because maybe there just aren’t many like me.  But to be overly concerned about what people think about me is only an invitation into their own distorted view of  how things are.  “Honor the humaness, do not pick fights with their error” the voice spoke.  This has been my problem all along…just letting people be themselves enough to be where they are and not worry or obsess. We all do this, we all see through lenses, and I must march to my own drummer if I am ever to find authentic happiness. There are many people all seeking it in ways they feel are going to bring them what they seek, and it may or may not do that, but for myself I know that my own joy and a happiness are so spare a thing that most people would miss it.  My soul is like a cedar windswept and spare.  I do not have many leaves or drink much water.  My soil is rocky and there is not a lot that seems to be of any value to sustain me.  And that is where most people would misunderstand. And if its understanding that I need more of, then it is me who must understand first and never worry about anyone else.  Ever.  Only in such simplicity is such a current tapped and known.  It is like glacial waters tapped from high in the mountains where no one sees or knows. It really isn’t for display at all.  It is better kept a secret.  If that makes me a monk, I say that’s fine.  But not like any monk you would ever meet.  I would blend into the rocks and leaves as my mind shifts to the mocassined feet of two hundred years ago as their footfalls tread softly over me and which lived a different kind of life. All things will speak to you if you will but listen.

So he was there, standing next to me, almost over my shoulder, and me feeling slightly cautious about all of this.  Afterall, I had a chain running at high-speed a foot or two from my face.  So I listened in while focused at the same time on the task at hand.  It seems we are wired for these dual kinds of things to happen like dreams inside of dreams.  And who knows, someone might discover that they too have this odd ability to hear things in the noise.  It may be why we drum or play music loudly.  There may be something that induces trance states or just enough dissociation to tap or tune into these streams of awareness.  Certainly most shaman used drumming as a way to achieve this.  Perhaps the modern version of it can be found with the weed eater or farm tractor or chain saw.  Whatever the case, I think it’s quite handy and fits me.  I like being outdoors, getting something done while communing with the universe!

So in every moment we choose how we feel, how we relate or don’t to the world.  The world is itself this amazing chalkboard upon which so much is writ and we take that writing to be the rule or law.  It can go like tears in rain, or chalk swiped with an eraser.  Its choosing a new way that is the alchemy, the transformative step into the new.  We must all be ready and I think it helps when we learn to listen to our inner voice, the one that lies deepest.  It isn’t always easy, but boy, for me, its been very consistent even if I haven’t been.  In every moment, though, lies the seeds of change.  It is time to tend that field…

I am going to tell you a story.  It is a true story and it happened to me, my sister, and her cat named Pete.

My sister some years ago was in the process of moving from one location in Philadelphia to another, and because of how this was going to happen and the fact that her cat, Pete, was such a strange creature (so easy to upset), she asked me and my family if we would take care of her cat for about a week until she was safely done with her move. Pete, also known as “Dirty Pete,” so-called because of his markings of a black smudge on a white face, was a most unusual creature.  He was antisocial to the extreme. He was finicky and was easy to upset.  He had also been declawed in his former life before she came across him as a “precocious stray” which according to his owner, my sis, also made him unable to survive out in the wild.  Pete was fond of darting through open doors in order to try to get out and away.  He most often would come back when he got hungry, but Pete was….well…he was just such an odd bird (or cat) that his Mommy feared for him and how he would not be seen as playing well with others.

So it came to pass that Pete was delivered by my sis to my home and with a crate and toys and food and very careful instructions on how to deal with this cat and to care for him, she returned confident and at peace to her city to complete her move knowing she would not stress or traumatize her funny little creature left in her brother’s care.  And Pete was everything my sister said he was and more; he hid in the basement the entire time, hiding behind boxes and staying completely out of view, away from people, as much as he could.  For close to two days I couldn’t even find him.  None in the family could.  Had he slithered through a door like my sister had warned and was worried about?  A tell-tale hiss and growl told me a couple of days later that the wildcat was indeed in residence!  I did as I was dutifully told, giving him the right kind of food and checking in on him even though he showed every single sign that he wanted NOTHING at all to do with US!  It was days before I actually got more than one glimpse per day of him.  If I saw him out from behind the load of boxes in the basement, he was running to find shelter, growling and spitting all the way.  In truth, based on how he behaved, I didn’t want to get near the cat because he actually seemed violent and completely antisocial.  Somehow my sister, god-bless her, had found a way into his heart.  Everyone deserves such chances in life, even the ones who hiss and spit.  But really; the cat struck me as somehow dangerous and I cautioned my children NOT to approach him.  I wondered what on earth got into my sister to own such a problem animal. Right.  Her core of compassion.  She knew that he was good deep down.  I kind of missed that part if indeed that was what she had seen.

So the day came when I could not find Pete.  It was always just a fleeting check-in really before, with eyes glowing in the dark, he would do some over-the-top gesture or action that would tell me that I needed to be afraid, very afraid!  But he wasn’t there.  I checked in all his hiding places and wondered perhaps if he had found some new haunt in the house.  I checked under beds upstairs.  Closets.  Nope.  The bathtub maybe?  Not there.  I did this and then re-searched.  Huh.  Where was Pete?  It was then that I saw the basement door had not been closed all the way.  My heart sank.  This cat, whom my sister had given very specific directions to not let out of the house under any circumstances, had danced off into the moonlight.  I feared the worse; cats abounded in our neighborhood and god-knows what kind of fate this poor socially-maladjusted creature would meet, sans claws.

I poured over the neighborhood and went to people’s houses.  I spoke to my neighbors and the call was put out.  Everyone knew from three streets over, this cat named Pete, and his story.  Mr. Stafford had somehow let this poor defenseless creature out into the night air!  I actually waited 24 hours before I got on the phone to tell my sister the news.  It was the worst moment, the most agonizing moment that I had experienced in years, telling her that I had just done exactly what she asked not happen.  I had actually begun to move a special trap I had borrowed from a friend around the neighborhood based on sighting that had been made of him from neighbors.  I put catfood in and hoped he was getting hungry.  His mom would be along shortly to see if she could somehow encourage him to come to her.  I wound up catching a possum in the process, but no Pete.

My sister arrived, fit to be tied. She was upset, but she also was being very good about it, too.  We walked the neighborhood and she used all her techniques she knew to try to lure him to her, all of which bore no fruit.  She had to get back to the city to finish her move.  I was to continue to keep trying to catch this elusive cat now free in the wilds of our neighborhood.  IN all, Pete was gone for over a week.  I did finally catch Pete in the trap and managed to salvage some of my reputation as a conscientious provider of my sister’s charge.  I kept him in his crate and fed him food and called happily that he had been found!  Pete was gathered up, all parts intact, and was taken to his new home in Philly.

Pete was with us a couple of days before my sister came to get him and in that time, I noticed that Pete was….well…he was different.  He did not glower in the corners and hiss and growl anymore.  I wondered if I was simply imagining it.  He seemed more social, but he still acted skiddish, so really, who knew.  But the change was noticed immediately by my sister.  It was as though Pete had been transformed, a changed cat.  He was chummy with the other cats in the house.  He took to doing things he had never done before.  When my sister finally moved from Philly to a country setting, she found that he took to spending time out-of-doors and actually doing well.  He learned how to defend his territory, even without his claws.  He did so with natural, instead of angry, bravado.  He took to hunting, which he had not done before.  He caught mice and voles and even ground squirrels.  He left them lovingly, but quite dead, by the door, as cats often do.  He also became an incredibly social cat.  He did not hiss and spit at people anymore.  We was simply a changed animal.  And Pete remains a fascinatingly amazing miracle of a creature to this day as he goes out for hours and even nights at a time, well prepared for anything that meets him.

I thought I would tell you this story to illustrate that even amongst cats (and people) you just never know when something seemingly bad and devastating will actually wind up being a saving grace, a transformative and redemptive experience.  I would caution you to assume that what you see today is necessarily how things will go and that what you might view with fear or worry could transform into the single best experience you might have in life.  IN fact, it may have been the very thing that you needed. Without our knowing it, losing Pete was the single best thing that could have happened to him.  For him.  It sure didn’t seem that way at the time, but things have a way of turning around in ways we just can’t see in the moment or even expect.  It is true that there are things that are beyond our knowing right now, but it does not preclude them from becoming something different.  Same with cats, same with people and events and a whole slew of other things.  It’s worth considering because redemption comes in unexpected ways to us.

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