Archives for the month of: December, 2013

Being able to know what is yours and what belongs to toehrs is a curious and often frustrating experience related to awakening.  Being able to differentiate between them for those who are affected can be an important step in overcoming this often troubling effect of kundalini for some.  I am going to convey to you an experience that helped me at a time when I was having very strong energy at a time when, looking back, kundalini was ready to go into a kind of overdrive.  At this stage, I had already experienced a full awakening with the typical “rising” of the energy with six months of scattered phenomenon during what I call my period of “high strangeness” where I wasn’t sure WHAT was going on!  It was after a year that I began to question some of the things that have been said about kundalini and other aspects of the awakening experience that everything went into overdrive for me.  This force, the force of my own consciousness, my soul, I feel was seeking to crack me open even more.  There was a period where I would feel others’ energy very strongly, which meant that I felt fully sometimes what someone else was feeling as I passed them on the street.  I could feel others’ energy which had imprinted on a place when no person was present (this leads into parts of what we call ghost phenomenon, I feel).  I felt all of this as though it was my own, and it was often a source of some dismay.  For me, it always seemed I was aware what it was I was feeling, but for at least a few seconds, I would not always catch in immediately and there was a moment of reeling pain in my energy body and felt in my physical body sometimes until I stopped, observed, and reflected long enough to determine the source.  However, this did not stop this from happening and I was not entirely sure what was at work.  Was I destined to be such a complete and total empath?  If so, this was not such a good thing because of how filled the world is of hurt and pain.

It happened when I was at a gathering at a family member’s house where I noticed I was seized with a sense of intense anxiety.  As I sat there, I took an inventory.  I asked myself “Why am I feeling this all of a sudden?”  As I asked this, I realized that there was no triggers at all that would have been obvious to me that would have caused this.  I considered this was subconscious material bubbling up, but in situations like this, I don’t settle on any one thing right away.  I let intuition guide me as best as it could  in that moment.

As soon as I settled on there being no reason for this to have happened, I suspected this was not mine.  Once I did this, my next question for this intelligent force in me was to show me who it belonged to.  I felt it pull my attention to a man who was sitting over in a corner talking with someone.  I looked at him and asked him rather abruptly, “DO you have problems with anxiety by any chance?”  The man, who I did not know, seemed to sink back into his chair a little.  He had a look almost as though he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  It was that kind of look that moved across his face.  Following this, he seemed to loosen up a lot and his face relaxed and he brightened up and said, “Well, yes, actually….I have had problems with anxiety my whole life.  It was so bad that I went to therapists and was on medication for it. ” The man paused for a moment and then said, “I was even feeling a sudden rush of anxiety just before you asked me about it just now.”  I apologized for being so forward with him and explained that sometimes I seemed to pick up on things and I thought perhaps he had been feeling this.

Doing this had the interesting effect of lessening the result of feeling people in a way that threw me for a loop or tangled me up.  By being able to bring awareness into the moment and not merely being swept away by someone elses feelings, I was able to differentiate between what was theirs and what was mine.  It is true that were it not for ego, we would be feeling all of this stuff.  If our neighbor stubbed her toe, we would feel it.  And for all that is said bad about ego, it serves as an important and even vital filter for identifying what is us and what are others.  As in life, everything is a balance, so just as we can have too much ego, we can also have too little.  In either direction we can become unbalanced.  It isn’t that ego is some nasty weed in our soul-self, but that it may need to be transplanted so it is less front and center in our consciousness.  Ego does a very good job of sitting looking out of the window of the self from a back kitchen window instead of standing at the front door.  We need some filtering just to stay sane, but we also don’t need ego as control agent for everything that comes along.  Being able to do these kinds of things is a sound way, to my mind, of navigating through the world of awakening.  By simply bringing awareness into the moment, you can help to shift things in a significant way.

Does this mean that I no longer feel energy?  No, actually, I am quite sensitive, but the difference is I now know whose is whose.  I can be more like a slick pipe through which the water of life flows.  I am less like velcro where things can get caught or stuck on.  One other thing that I will mention in connection to all of this is that while you may feel others’ energy, the energy you are responding to is a result of what you are and where you are karma-wise.  Sure, I felt the guy with horrible heart pain, but that was because I related to it.  I had been dealing with a lot of heart-oriented issues at that time.  The man with anxiety was feeling something I had felt a lot and struggled with, so there were things that matched me.  I also noted, why didn’t I feel the person who just passed me on the way to the grocery store while I was feeling another person only a few moments prior.  If you observe yourself, you can learn a LOT that you did not know before this.  The fact is, we feel what matches us most.  And in this way, we also are drawn to people in relationships based on this, too.  For as hard as it may be to admit to, this happens a LOT.  Karma binds us in more ways than we could imagine.  But what has been useful for me is to look at these draws or these mirrorings less as a stumbling block or noxious weed as it is a very reliable way to look at yourself and the people you attract and let who they are beginning to guide you towards greater insight into what YOU are.  It’s not a curse to have this happen.  Look at those around you and you will have a portrait of yourself.  Even people you do not like most often represent some aspect within you that is unresolved.  Resolve that, and you do several things; you drop karma and you free yourself from being mastered by what this karma does to you emotionally.  In the Gospel of Philip in the Nag Hammadi (lost scriptures discovered in 1945 in Egypt) he describes karma this way (which he calls ‘the evil”).  It makes you do what you do not want to do and keeps you from doing what you want to do.  As long as we have its roots in us, it masters it and we are its slave. Now those sound like pretty strong words, right?  Well, that is how karma is.  And this karma is US.  You, me and everybody else.  When you grow slick inside, when you no longer have a reason to have your feathers ruffled, all of this moves right past you like water under a bridge, or a breeze in the air.

So consider observing yourself next time you feel a stab of something in your heart or in your head or elsewhere.   Reflect on what it is you are feeling and ask if how you are feeling makes any sense to you at all.  Then, let your insides guide you as it surely can.  I think that when we seize the moment and raise awareness for ourselves, it can help to break the cycle of associating too closely with things that only cause us trouble.  We do not need to take on the trouble of the world.  We need to clear out our own backyards, and when we do, others will be inspired and even moved to do something similar. Then, one by one, we all edge closer to awakening instead of doing this as some giant Crusade.  Crusades, like wars, can have uncertain outcomes.

Doing this also has an added benefit of actually giving you the best of psychic protection, which is what I have found to be true protection; allowing it to flow through you.  If you don[t have an issue with something, it slips right through you as so much energy.  Its only in having some issue that it catches on those frayed edges of your awareness and then pulls a string, causing a cosmic stocking to run or snag.  Creating an armored pyschic mote around yourself may keep some things out for a time, but they will have a tendency to creep right back in as long as you have something unresolved within yourself that is causing the problem to begin with.  Carl Jung and Freud both spoke of the phenomenon of projection and how until we face our shadow, we see it in others.  That has been true in my experience, and we are blinded and mastered by it so that we are unable to see things as they are but rather as we are (thanks Anais Nin for that quote!).

Imagine that in your energy body that instead of feeling pain or hurt, you imagine that the area that hurts or is affected, you feel it loosening up.  Just feel into that and practice it each day.  See a given chakra letting go and loosening.  I have observed that all problems karmicaly are mirrored by a corresponding tightening within the chakra and also body.  This results in our not flowing in a more natural way.  Its funny because one more obvious energy, sexual energy, is often described as being sexual tension, hit it on the nail;  so many of us feel it as tension and we naturally want to release it.  This then serves to fuel most of our experiences with energy that is sexual.  But what would you feel if you just opened up and let yourself flow instead of holding so tight down there?  Indeed, this goes for every other center in the body.  It is so for every corner of your body as your body corresponds with the light body, which go hand in hand while you are in flesh.  So watch yourself and see how you feel.  Bring awareness into it.  Do you find you feel the energy differently?  Did what you took to be sexual energy, say, become more obviously this tension (or tension in ANY part of the body for that matter)?  And in identifying it this way, in feeling your insides loosening, does the energy change its character after some time with it?  I would be curious to know because this certainly has had some corresponding effects in my own life experience.  In the beginning of awakening, this tension is so severe that it can be experienced as a physical malady that doctors can find no known cause for.  As you drop more and more material, this also has a corresponding lightening and loosening of the hardness that can be a part of certain stages of awakening or kundalini.

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How do I say

without eyerolls

that I enter into a place

where I turn into something

that touches the All?

There are no altars

no candles

no scepters

nor crucifixes

or ankhs

but a vibrant presence

that changes each time I go

the going is itself a deep surrender

and my vibratory rate changes

deepens

and peels away into bliss

like love distilled

and burned as light.

This being is there

intelligent and aware

it is watching everything

because it is IN everything.

It is here that I sense a love

that it feels for every single thing

that it is itself

through this marvelous creation

that seems to have emerged from it

in a time outside of time

with no real inception

but an expanding sense of the conception

born of all aspects of its own being

which we here see as yin and yang

Goddess and God

the current cycling that is expressed in electricty

solar rays

and our very consciousness.

It is energy turning itself into everything else

and is thus connected

continuguous

boundless

and bounded all at once.

This being

it pours over your life

but remains silent

because that is just how sacred freewill is

and freewill emerges from individuality

and so

monks and gurus and yogis and all the rest

who wish to say “Kill the ego!”

are to me entirely deluded in their task

for this is by definition a sacred cow that this being seems to always respect

and hold dear.

Our individuality is no less an illusion than this being’s individuality.

Killing it only reveals the folly in such things

for the cosmic mind touches our own mundane world and mind

and you just can’t escape it.

So why try?

Here, come this way….

It is here in letting go so deep

that you can feel this being

which is the All.

Comprehension expands each time it seems

and what I see one day changes the next because I change and it changes each time  the embrace ensues….

It is like a vast switchboard where all channels are open from the smallest to the largest.

Here the words “split the stone and I am there” is understood.

It is in everything

but to see it

you must see yourself so clearly that all of this comes into view.

the good that you are is seeking you as much as you are seeking it….

like star-crossed lovers

this is

and this being

like it or not

wishes to seduce you in any way that you are willing

when you set aside your righteousness and sinful thoughts.

It is beyond sin

and thus is itself the sexiest lover of all

for it has no shame

when it gets so close that it can feel your breath

and caresses your soul

in that embrace that changes you forever.

 

II.

This is where it begins.

Looking inside, it is like I turn inside out

with bliss.

This is a lesson  “seek the bliss and you find me”

It says.

But it is true that to find it

you must cast aside your shame

and be like a child

innocent

but sexy.

Our sex is one channel

one of many

all equivalent

and capable to bearing experience

of the divine here in us

the divine everywhere “out” of us.

We are all made one by this

because when we go to God and Goddess

we all go to the same place

like stones upon a great medicine wheel,

looking into the center

turning in the dim light of night

seeing the same brilliant star

all from different angles.

But when we reach it

it takes us completely.

It has been pulling at us for ages untold.

And here we are.

 

I have seen this great burst of Presence,yes,

but it contained no trappings of anything you might relate to.

Pure feeling

it felt purely

everything.

We say God is uncaring for it has remained outside our lives

and yet what I know is its is silent

only because it honors our individuality

our freewill

and that freewill has been in getting lost

from the very source

that is our lives

that is our redemption

and is the great wellspring of our love.

Why can’t we love like that?

“You soon will”

it says,

“….the closer you get to me”

it adds.

 

Like a blind woman reading braille,

this is how the God and Goddess read our lives….

it is not enough to see

it is everything to feel

as their invisible fingers trace every lost part of our days

the invisible core of our days

which we tread over the surface

never realizing that It resides within our self-made journey.

It loves us and wants us so much

that it just can’t stay out of our business.

It is there

like an egg waiting to hatch,

a world within our own.

A path lying within the core of all paths

a smile within our own

the love amidst the loneliness.

Quiet, yes, but yearning us

and when lit by its fire, we yearn right back.

We yearn perhaps imperfectly

but it still smiles

because any drop of our yearning it would take

because we then are on to a great mystery

which is its own to reveal in us.

It is the mystery within the mystery

the love within love

the soul of yearning within the body of yearning.

Its thoughts lie curled up in our own

just as we are curled up within its great mind

which goes on forever

in infinities enough to make you run red-cheeked from view.

“This is my love….

it has never been any other….

silent and unyielding as a great center point of everything….

waiting for you to come join in the feast.”

Here, you learn this God has been silent only in appearances

until its utter ubiquity has shown itself in everything that is.

It waits for you

and while it does,

its great love continues to unfold for you

as its great incomprehensibility

is its strong suit

so that every moment with it is like a sparkling gem with facets beyond count

the best of everything.

 

None of us are alone.

We might wax sad in those moments when our illusions grip us

but we know the truth

because we are more than the surface paths of our lives.

We make like stupid mongrels

when we are the royalty awaiting our kingdoms,

an inheritance

beyond all measure.

 

Here, within you is where you may find what you are looking for.

No cars or money or love of things will quite do it

for its simpler than that

but finer than All.

Its love is like that

and I could go on

like this

singing sacred mantras to the Light…

You do not know death when it touches you because you have lost touch with how it touches you constantly.  You have fooled yourself into believing that death is a great drama, a great fear, an unknown.  But I can tell you that all of this stuff about death is itself a giant ruse, a play for your own satisfaction just to scare yourself.  For many here, death is like a roller coaster ride with a bloody end, a hatchet, a bug that will eat you from the inside out.  Death is unknowable, mysterious and thus fertile ground for every fear you ever had about what is not known.

That is why what I am going to tell you about your death will upset you because of how utterly anticlimactic it is.  Death is simple and death is known in each of your moments.  You have simply resfused to see its coming and going because you have attached fear to it and thus do not know it by any other means than the scary dark and empty things it seems to conjure.  You have so convinced yourself that you just aren’t sure what lies on the other side of death that death has help a delicious coldness, a dramatic iciness that you SAY you hate, yet the movie houses are packed when death is on the menu and billboards.  No, you wont like what I am going to tell you because you have been living in this illusion that you have created.  But it is a creation we have all imbibed in at one time or another.  Images of the Grim Reaper are perfect encapsulations of just how we feel about it.  We go knobby-kneed and our stomach lurch and we have a sense of panic in us even when its someone else who has gotten cancer and wont be making their way back, just a headlong hurdling into that dark (and uncertain) night. We fill Halloween with it and we deliciously lap it up because the truth is, it is more about a play, a drama, than anything that is real.

But what is real.  You don’t want to hear that one.  But I will tell you.

Death exists as a most important catalyst for change in us every moment of the day.  Death is not the thing that draws us down into nothingness, but rather is something that happens all the time in our spiritual lives.  You don’t see it as death because you are too focused on images of the grim goblins and scythe-bearing monstrosities.  I have myself died many times over in big and small ways.  These deaths were not even marked by major changes in my life where one life ended and another began.  No, death has been far more ubiquitous than that.  And I don’t want you to think that I am telling you this in a pejorative sense, or a symbolic sense.  Death is itself not something that stops your heart. The heart of death is the heart of transformation.  You see, when you learn how to surrender, to really let go, what happens to you?  We KNOW what happens to us.  We die.  We all know this is so in our bones and we even say that an orgasm is a “little death” which I insist is only possible when we give ourselves to it, when we surrender, when we let go.  When we do, something marvelous and amazing happens.  We go beyond our limits, we change.  We don’t fade away.  Nothing in us really truly dies, but we are certainly transformed and THIS is the great thing most of you miss.  You miss the wonder in death, the beauty and amazement caught up within it.  Just think, if death is really this, then what on earth has created such a disparity between what I am telling you now and what we all collectively seem to think or feel about it?  Just think about that disparity and then imagine with me that this in fact is the divide that we all share about death in our lives and our own inability to see it for what it is.  Death is not a single act, we just associate it with that because death is what ends a life before our very physical eyes.

In the past couple of years I have begun seeing a very odd looking creature in my meditations.  He shows up in my third eye or mind’s eye quite clearly.  He is this very scruffy looking…..dog.  Except this dog has the body of a man.  But no, the head of the dog didn’t even look much like a dog.  It was like a really sad looking dog…..a very narrow snout and a very scruffy and kind of long-haired creature with eyes, though, that sparkled with a type of mischief and wonder.  “What on earth is THAT!??” I thought when I first saw this thing.  It was so out there, so odd, so….random.  For a while the image just irked me a little.  It was only later as I turned the image in my head around that I realized there was some sort of god in Egyptian myth that had a dog’s head or something similar.  I looked it up and sure enough, there was a god who had the head of a jackal and the body of a man.  The Egyptian form was very clean, though.  I wondered.  I looked a jackals themselves and realized, oh yes, this was most certainly a jackal!  But why was this being coming to me?  Well it turns out that this god is called Anubis.  He is God of the Underworld and is related to death.  He is there when a person’s heart is being weighed along with the feather.  That guy.  I really haven’t had much interest in the Egyptian gods and myth, but I suppose I must have picked it up somewhere.  In awakenings it is not unusual to have these ancient forms come to life right in front of you in order to help in moving old material out of the psyche.  Maybe I needed a grand play.

Anubis would show up at odd times, random times. No reason, no message, just, “Hi, I am here!”

So it was with a friend that we talked about this at length.  I was asked  what did I think Anubis was trying to tell me where it comes to his presence in my life at this time?  The answer was that it was about death.  But clearly, this was not about the big D but rather something deeper, the true essence of death, which is more about letting go, surrendering.  When we resist death, even our own deaths, we do not die fully and thus, as I was told, do not go as conscious into our deaths as we could.  Here it was made clear to me by my Egyptian god-friend that the way we allow ourselves to die, how we give ourselves over to just letting go of things that actually helps to determine our rate of ascension.  The thing is, though, is that you do not have to wait upon physical death to experience this, no, because death is always here, you just don’t recognize it because you have created a monster when in fact death is a great and wonderful ally.

IN a waking dream, a guided journey, I looked at this Anubis as he had settled down around me staring at me from across a distance just outside my studio.  It was dark and I lay inside my studio on my bed, wondering what this was all about.  There was a giant pile of chairs all heaped up and I was asked what this all meant to me.  I thought about this and realized, this was about resisting death, resisting change.  So simple an image; I was sitting, waiting.  I was not standing up, I was sitting down and these chairs represented every act of resisting change.  There were a lot of these chairs, and I tried not to be too off-put by this reality.  But as I did this, I was asked if I could use the sheer force of my will to cause these chairs to burst into flame, to use my own life essence, my breath, to fan those flames so the pile might burn higher into the night sky.  There, I turned around this pile with Anubis on the other side of it, staring me down.  He grew more and more intent as there seemed to be something to be gained by this.  What was it?  As I followed the flames into the ink of the sky, I began to feel the sense of surrender flowing around me.  This feeling we resist.  We resist out of a kind of animal fear, an egoistic impulse over change coming to us in the same way that death itself is inevitable.  I knew I had to give myself over to it.  As I did, I felt myself wonder what would become of this that I was letting go and as if reading my thoughts Anubis spoke and said “These things are mine!” and I then understood, whether real or not, the form of Anubis was a means by which we let things go.  But this time, I did not have to wait upon physical death in order to experience this.

There is a lot made about “giving it over to God” in the Christian tradition, and I think that no matter the form it takes, this impulse in us or ability to let go can be facilitated by handing it over to something.  But what are we handing it over to?  I think we simply hand over our fear, we make the conscious effort to merely say that we are going to take a leap of faith.  If we do not trust ourselves, then we make a larger form within us to take it from us for safe keeping.  But like all death, we can release a great deal of things in order to unburden ourselves, and if we are lucky, we can also do this upon our physical deaths if we make ourselves available.  It is here that we learn important lessons, but all of life includes death in small and big ways.  It is fundamentally about a surrender.  To die well is to be able to let go of the river’s bank and surrender to the great unknown.  And perhaps, in a way, by mastering our fear, the lesson is purchased at that much of a greater price by our willingness to hand it all over.

I know that in this death I am able to transcend my own self-made (and very conceptual and even emotional) limitations.  Just as we do finally die physically and enter into a new life through a ribbed tunnel into the light (which do I need to even draw the similarities this has to our entrance into this life here through our mother’s Yoni?) we enter into this new world, finding ourselves renewed, refreshed, and more alive.  But you see, the world is full of events like these, and my own life has been in my awakening one of many deaths where I transcended my own self-made limits in order to feel refreshed, clearer, and more alive.  I am here doing this, sometimes daily.  Sometimes its weekly, monthly or yearly.  And really the only thing holding me back is one simple thing, which takes me back to the beginning of my post; fear.  When we transcend that, when we learn to just let go of all that is limiting us, we move easier through this death into a new life.  And layer by layer this happens, and each time it is the same; we struggle and fight perhaps in similar way as we do resisting death or even birth which is itself a death of what we knew in our mother’s wombs.  We are each moment offered this promise in the present as moment by moment we die to what we are and are born into what we can be and really already are.  A wise person once said to know the end, see the beginning.  It is here on this kind of wheel that we grow to know and realize just what amazing creatures we are.

Lying within this exists the tools for your own transformation.  When you touch this experience you realize over and over, perhaps only gradually like a dawning, how this becomes like many deaths.  Awakening is itself a death that is followed by countless deaths which are releases of old pent up psychic material.  But in doing this, we free ourselves in ways we could only have dreamed.  But it is this capacity within us to go beyond our own perceptual boundaries to experience the essence of spiritual alchemy that is our own saving grace. It is through these kinds of deaths that living become more tolerable, wonderful, and sublime.  When you can see death for what it is in its essence, you will begin not fearing it so much.  You will be more free.  The other side of all death is acceptance, otherwise we have not fully died and remain for the time held by our old limits.  We can each transcend them!

As the fires licked up into the vast darkness of the sky, studded with stars all around its bright red edges, I felt this pull from the heavens as Anubis waited for me in a great Void.  Instead of resisting this pull into the unknown, I felt myself deliciously pulled into it upwards.  It is into that great uncertainty that exists within us for the moment that this uncertainty is mastered, transformed.  Leaping into the heavens, into this vast nothingness that I felt I perceived as real that my limitations here on earth were let loose.  If you want to know the essence of the Tibetan Book Of The Dead and how it seeks to raise up those ready to die, you need only know that when we seek the highest vibration, we also seek the highest that death offers us.

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