There are plenty of descriptions out there to help with what kundalini is, much of it quite old. Texts, scrolls, things like that. This is a very human thing, so you’d think we could each come up with something that helps to clarify things a little. What I am going to tell you is directly from my own experience and it reflects seven years living with this force in my life through a number of colors, twists, and turns in my life and in perspective, too.
There is a LOT that kundalini or awakening can be presumed to be, and then there is what settles out and clarifies over time. Which is what my experience has been. You would think an experience would be an experience, but our perceptions do indeed change as our biases clear and change. The writer Anais Nin said we see the world not as it is, but as we are. SO true.
When kundalini rose, it felt like a force coming into my body…..as though it was something separate from me. Caused me some concern. It rises, you see, but my experience has shown me that this is an effect that this energy now being released or moved in the body has on the musculature. Its as though there is electricity moving in your body and it makes you feel as though your back wants to arc or move or jerk. Certainly there is a lot of that that goes on. These are called kriyas. As if a jerk will suddenly allow the energy to flow. So there is THAT aspect of the experience, which feels very physical. And for a time, it did feel like something was moving into my body. I was a little freaked out at first because I was concerned that maybe I was being possessed. That was itself a mild concern, but I just didn’t want to step into something that somehow messed me up, you know? And really, what the heck DID I know about any of this? I spent a life in study and being self examined but nothing could have prepared me for this.
The rising of the energy into awareness is like fire flowing in your veins, except it is not fire. It is also like water flowing, except it is not water. It has a sense of density when it rises, what feels almost like a pressure in the body, a presence of a force, which I feel is the effect of energy on the body beyond what it is used to. Your muscles tense when they have electricity applied to them. This feels like a very mild form of this. Kundalini can be like being strapped into something, like a roller coaster ride and then not being able to get off. This can bring anxiety, but it can also bring incredible bliss once you settle in and enjoy…..surrendering to the moment.
So kundalini is not just one thing, it is many things, all things, depending on how you choose to be, to feel, react or respond. And all of it will be amplified. So if you feel a LITTLE uncomfortable about something, it can suddenly be much much bigger than it would have been otherwise. Just to highlight it for you to see and make a mental note (“Note to self: must let go of that hesitant awkwardness with the boss…”). Wherever you are, the difference with kundalini is that the volume has been turned up, things are more amplified. A lot of what I am eluding to is actually how I got used to the feeling. So what is the feeling?
When all is well, the feeling is unmatched by anything. It can be light, it can be soaring. Heavenly. It can also be seven different kinds of bliss rolled into one. Literally. Telegraphed from each chakra center, this bliss comes, or emerges. It is beyond merely a sensual experience. Most often I think people focus on the sexual and sensual side. It is certainly this since the body is now wired differently. Dealing with a constant state of this bliss is one of the early struggles I think many go through, just dealing with such an enhanced sense of sensuality and sexual energy. Being able to focus it and utilize it in a positive way instead of it simply driving strong sexuality is the trick in my book. Refinement, not slavery. It is a subtle AND significant difference. But that only deals with the root chakra center and the sacral, which are the two centers that generate most of the sexual oriented feelings. But move the energy up into the solar plexus, the heart, and then into the non-emotional centers of the throat, third eye and crown, and the bliss goes from fiery to a finer kind of stream; the full range of human experience here, in the flesh, at least. The heart is like an axial point between the strong emotional centers that reside below it and the less emotional centers above it.
Just feeling this energy in my body serves to knit me into creation in a way that is hard to explain. I am no longer simply an individual element in the landscape, I am the landscape. I am connected to it and can feel into that landscape in a way I had not done before. I am that cloud, I am that mist, that rock, that tree, that person, that cow, that bird. I am the grass and a buzz of life all around me. I am aware of this without feeling my awareness being threatened. I went through a collapse to allow me a better flow of this sense of not being dual. Some call it ego death, but this is itself misleading. It is a substantive change within the self that accommodates a slightly different arrangement of awareness within. It is actually more like a snake shedding its skin. Cracking open, moving, changing, maybe it seems so final, like you are going to die, but you don’t.
It cracks you open, this. It seals you shut. It inspires you constantly, drives you and changes your life. it unravels you if you just let it. All unraveling is rewarded, it seems. Everything becomes excruciatingly beautiful. Today while meeting someone at their office I looked at the sky and thought how cool it would be to be able to live on a planet with life on it. And then my whole view changed; I am on that planet and I am very much visiting! The whole way I felt and saw life here changed. This incredible experiment with matter becoming life just played through my body all day. Life becomes a priveledge, right? Another day on Gaia. It changes how you see things. It can help you to see things from different perspectives, it is an evolutionary spiral, a pressing urge to become more, to know more, to become. All of this is also incredibly difficult! That’s because kundalini also drives desire. So with all this energy flowing and the more sexual side of it, it can be hard to let go of things….of people, or investments in things. While it helps to clear karmic threads, it can also make them harder in some ways. It is like how you can drive a splinter under your skin to the surface by pressing all around and under the splinter in order to drive it out; until it finally surfaces, it causes a great degree of pain and discomfort. Also you can only see what you can see in the moment. You can be utterly convinced of a connection as being the most important thing in the world and then through doing the “work” realize just how silly all of that was. And you can be told this by untold people. But you can’t see it or know it until you know it and see it.
Kundalini does not make you wise. It can in truth make you stupid! Yep. If you doubt that, read the lines above.
Kundalini can also lead to wisdom if you let it. It ups the energy and allows you a way to haul more water and chop more wood. Sometimes, in some ways, that can make a difference.
Kundalini seems to do well around surrender. The more complete, the more deeply it goes, the deeper it goes to clear out the dross and remove the poison resting there. Poison you didn’t even know existed. Poison perhaps that you thought was a wonder of wonders.
Kundalini can drive knowing, gnosis,a new inner life unlike any other. Kundalini dives deep into the cellular level and does its work. It is uncompromising and perfect.
It can have you on a yo-yo string if you don’t master it. Even as you master it, it can burn holes through you. Adrenal burn-out is a very real thing. Just as it can drive joy and wonder, it can drive dread and depression. Where are you focused? Kundalini is life force in abundance. Whatever you are, it is. And more.
The experience is like falling in love with life, with existence, with what we all are. It opens a hole in space time and reveals that our time here is itself like a bead on a larger necklace. There is much more to time and existence than what meets the eye. It is the inspired moment running 24/7. It is a baseline bliss running in each and every moment. It is a call to become, without anyone telling you how it has to be done. It awakens intuition, it guides, it teaches, it blinds. It loves and it releases you. It is like life but with more life. It IS life force, so trying to make it something more can be tricky. What you take to be the experience can also resolve later through healing as merely a preoccupation with a given center or part of the self or psyche that was unable to let go of something or other. Whatever you feed is what grows. There isn’t any one way for this to be, but all ways that we are. For those who want to say it has to BE a certain way, I say that is just silly, because obviously there are lots of ways that people can be that are perfectly healthy and fine but different. I think this teaches you how to have fewer and fewer problems with things. Your insides become more slick. Ego cant handle this, becoming slick like this feels like the self no longer feels or cares. It is simply no longer affected by those old emotional gales like it used to be, or with others’ emotional gales that you both were quaqmired inside of. This is what I have described as the spiritual tar pits……we jump in thinking we can save another when our only job is to take care of ourselves. Only after being completely clear from that tar pit is it possible to really comment on it with any degree of perspective. The Bodhichitta returns when s/he is free from the things that they are to teach about. The world is full of unhealed teachers. It takes a long time to get to the place of neutrality. This is the next stage beyond this. We are each a sleeping Buddha. For me, this returns me to being like a child. Free, joyful, without judgement, innocent. And to get there; many fires and trials. True, unflinching, demanding and inflexible; you are it only when you are it. Until that time, trials come to test you. Life turns into a wonderful school…..that can be hard or can become a living breathing intelligence bringing you exactly what you need now. Want something different, then change what you are and life itself will change in more ways that you can believe. Change, though, can be hard…..
So beyond the flash and fire and torrents lies every conceivable experience.
What is kundalini to you?