I have a moment between printing out letters, working outside, and reaching the cool of the day when I can go back into the studio to blow glass (it has been a bit hot today so I am blowing mornings and evenings more….makes for a nice day actually…)

I am not a teacher nor a guru.  I am not here to take on some kind of mantle.  I am not.  I am in truth, a reporter of what I see and experience.  I think that we each have something in us that is of some value to the rest, to the whole, and when you find that angle, it is priceless because we all need to hear it, learn about it, and figure out how to embody it. I offer a perspective and it is one that is a lifetime in the making.  You have to decide if its something worth paying attention to.  What I offer is an incredibly simple way to understand awakening and how to relate to your own inner world (which actually touches on the entire world around you).  Because I am a good observer and because perhaps I have already been engaged in seeking to tease the secrets out of this field of energy that is US, it comes quite naturally.

There is a lot said about the work we must do to grow and to become.  I find this kind of silly, really, because those same people, if they have had a genuine healing experience would know that NONE of their healing came about through any kind of work.  In truth ALL of this ascension business is like  a GIFT.  The truth is, once things get rolling in the healing department and spiritual world, we wind up being like the cook in the kitchen that is asked by all the other cooks to just please sit to the side on the stool and watch.  That is because the higher self is actually involved in this work and we are along for the ride.  It will perhaps make sense why ego death is important in this process (and how silly the term is, too, since there are people just now writing about ego death who really haven’t a clue about what it is and yet they continue to write about it as if they know about it first-hand).  But THAT is why the whole ego thing is important; your higher self is the one doing this work.  Really.  If it was up to me, a good 80% of the healing just would not get done because of my own small-self fear, anxiety, uncertainty, or fear over change….and for all I know it could be GREAT change.  Sometimes our small selves, our HERE AND NOW selves will simply fear just because.  For no other good reason.  Luckily, though we are far more than these selves.

If you want to know what the self is like I would say imagine a cone or a pyramid of conscious energy.  Your own awareness in the here and now is focused very tightly into the tip of the pyramid.  However, as conscious awareness is allowed to expand you can feel your consciousness as it really actually IS, which is this expanding cone sort of arrangement.  It continues to expand outward as far as I can tell in an infinite or unlimited way.  Most often our encounters with God or gods are the part of our experience where consciousness has expanded outward in this way (although this is not a rule).  The most intimate experience of the All is through yourself, so it is naturally going to be something that takes place right in the center of you.  It will be quite naturally very personal, immediate, and powerful.  Instead of experiencing the burning bushes and other phenomenon through the projections that happen here on earth, all of that can quickly and easily be set aside in favor of a MUCH more personal, intimate, private, and entirely powerful and engaging experience within your own light body.  If you have ego fully engaged during these experiences it can lead you to pretty grand distortions, so this is why ego needs to be set aside before serious “work” begins.  Until then, ego is busy trying to figure it all out, to rationalize things and create patterns and designs where there may be none whatsoever.

The same writers I have mentioned, though, speak of ego death or write about it in a way it is clear they have not experienced it before.  the real problem with this is that without having experienced it, they may not be very well equipped to help others deal with it or know the signs of its coming or how to deal with it once the ego has supposedly “died.”  This is why I say that true healing is not work.  It is by grace.  Entirely so.  Now yes, there are smaller earlier healings that can take place in the beginning that are very easy, almost effortless that you can feel taking place within you.  Later the harder ones, most aligned to ego and emotions of hurt and trauma will remain and often be stubborn. The more you “work” on these the more installed they become.  It is tricky, this.  In order for something to be healed you either need to be at the absolute end of your rope (which provides the trigger) or you need to be able to have the grace to feel all the right stuff at all the right time in order to realize from small self to higher self that it is time to bid bad feeling adieu.  So if you want to call it work, well, then, it is the same as floating down the river and going over the falls.  The work is in letting go and giving it all up to the All to take care of you.  Curious how when you do that, though, the universe slips right in and does just that!

So what about exercises and stuff?  Look, I know that people like that stuff.  Really, I get it.  But in truth, this is all achieved through feeling. If a breathing exercise HELPS you to feel a certain way, great.  Breath work is what it is because it helps to relax and facilitate the flow of energy.  With kundalini coursing through my body, though, I can say unequivacably that while breathing can help with flow, breathing is not the magic bullet.  If you understand what the core of this is, you don’t need ANY techniques but can create all the ones that fit you perfectly from having understood the CORE of what all of this is about to begin with.   A lot of this is learning how to gain control over your light body and allowing a natural and native flow of energy that helps to make you feel at one with yourself and the rest of the world.  It is a good way to feel.  Fabulous, actually.  You know people who ask why they are here or what their purpose is?  Well, in that moment when you FEEL this energy flow, contained within it the knowing of what your purpose is.  The thing is, it is not tied to your work or anything else.  Your purpose is actually a lot more simpler than that.  Finding it is like going back into childhood and holding that small slight hand of your own back when you breathed the world of yourself in and out with each breath.  Maybe that was when you were four.  Maybe it was when you were three.  Holding that hand in yours, all time becomes your time and what you thought you knew goes by the wayside….less as a loss and more as a gain….a remembering.  The loss maybe comes realizing just how simple it was made to be and we all have been missing it entirely so often.  But here it is.  To stay here requires that you be perfectly aligned.  No bullshit is going to make this experience stick.  You have to BE your talk.  Anyone like myself can spot the bullshitters a mile away….and really, it isn’t to be mean or judgmental.  It is more like how that small slip of a child within you can know things at a mere glance.  They don’t say “Ah, she doesn’t know what she is talking about” to be mean.  They say it in the same way that we say “That flower is the nicest shade of purple..”  We say it as a fact.  And that is the difference.  When spoken in this way, bullshitters will react defensively most often or wind up bringing up things that really have nothing or little to do with anything you or anyone else are even talking about.  It will be misdirected, you see.  But this wont happen EVERY time.  It will TEND to happen though simply because the person is off target in general.

Since awakening I have felt the presence of the Collective Mind here on the planet and the increasingly crowded yet also incredibly diffuse presence of something more, or intelligences that watch our world, have some sort of an interest in it, but are clearly not OF it.  E.T.’s?  Perhaps.  I don’t see them as much as I feel them through my own vehicle, the light body.  I know from this sensing that the body of the whole is changing, evolving.  It is sometimes fast, but most often slow.  There is an irrepressible energy behind all of this that makes it seem like change could be incredibly fast, and yet, in the day to day, that is just not born out through facts.  Change happens slowly and when change does happen fast, we as humans often tend to go into crisis if we feel like we cant keep up with it.  My awakening, though, has pressed the fast at varying degrees through the years and I have learned something about it and how to cope with it. I am not suggesting that its how YOU will or should go through it, but take what I say, hold it up and examine it.  If it resonates, great.  If not, then either you aren’t ready for that perspective or its just not fitting for you.  Either way, its all good.  The infinite is so grand a thing once you touch it you wonder how anyone could doubt its ability to move mountains.  Most often it is we, upon feeling the mountains moving within jump up (metaphorically) and grab the shotgun to stave off any change to the contrary. I say this because I remember a story I was told by my neighbors in the rural Blue Ridge where I grew up about the man who lived in our 100 year old Victorian country house.  When Mr Light (that was his name) found out that road crews were coming to widen the dirt road, he went out with his shotgun and blocked their way. Mr Light didn’t want any change in his life.  He liked it the way it was. He managed to stave off the project for a few weeks until it was explained that Mr Light did not own the road.  When we arrived, it was a small enough dirt road, but then change is relative.  Maybe it was a grass-line path back in his day.  Maybe he liked it that way.  Again, it is all relative.

People talk about the work one needs to do in spiritual circles.  I find this amusing, funny even.  Perhaps we shouldn’t call it work.  Perhaps I am too much of a pedant (nothing like a pendant, though), perhaps I like words to match their meanings.  Like Ego Death.  Boy, if ever there was a mismatch!  For some reason, though, we get sloppy with it.  I suppose I was because I was some kind of scribe who HAD to be careful about the words s/he used since words were knowledge and knowledge was power.  There is a lot people mistake for true or misidentify.  When I first heard about the concept of ego death, I found it a bit troubling.  Once I went through it, I understood on the one hand why it was called that, but also felt it was grossly misstating the whole issue.  But I am not here to talk about that (thank you Arlo Guthrie).  I’m here to talk about The Work.

The Work is not work.  It is a fundamental undoing of those things which have stood in the way of you and your essential nature.  It isn’t work, it is becoming sensitive, open, receptive, and willing to accept that the most cherished reactions, beliefs (no matter how vaguely defined they are) and postures may have impeded your witness to the Infinite within you.  it doesn’t exist anywhere else.  Until you can glimpse it within, it is hard to feel into it outside of yourself.  But once you do, the world resolves into something that is screaming with it and it has a kind of message…which isn’t a message at all but is rather the very Essence of the Living All in everything.  It is already there inside each of us and our awareness does incredible things to mask it, hide it, and even distort it.  Anais Nin once said we see the world as we are instead of how it is.  Wiser words could not have been spoken.  Or written.  As an aside, witness my surprise when I found out that Anais Nin’s work was mostly that of erotic pulp fiction.  “Really?”  I thought to myself.  “What, a writer or erotic fiction can’t have such incredible insight?  Is the erotic not spiritual?” My mind seemed to implore of me.  “No, you are right…..it is in all of us and I ought not be so narrow minded…after all I have found the divine through the sensual and erotic, no doubt about that….” I mused.

Here on this planet the level of our insanity goes deep.  Consider the wars and all the horrible things that have taken place here and you get a glimpse of it.  The rage women feel towards men.  the rage men feel toward women. the rage we feel about our parents, our growing up, the conditions of life, all of it.  it came from somewhere and yet it is all begun within us and must end with us.  We can find marvelous facilitators for our own transformation, but in the end we each are entirely responsible for it.  Totally.  And as long as we hold others accountable, we do not reach that point of honesty that we need for ourselves.  When we reach that point of honesty, we can no longer hide from what is ours.  We come to a point of clarity that is the very means of piercing through the thick mass of gunk that has troubled us for so long.  Most of the time we are used to stepping over the piles of shite in our lives.  Every once in a while events transpire to place all of this front and center for us.  Each of us.

it isn’t work to forgive another or ourselves.  It is in truth the easiest thing to do until we find the grace to do so.  Until we find grace within, its as hard as a grist mill wheel grinding out the same old stuff.  Im not talking about you.  I am talking about me, so hold it up and decide for yourself where you are with all of it.  I really shouldn’t have to include disclaimers….but we are forgetful.  That includes me.

Learning to love in a radically new way is not work.  It is about letting go.  It is about a death of the old way and the birth of a new one.  I cannot tell you how effortless it can be when you ride atop its wave.  And each time you reach it, each time your body and mind and heart and entire being finds itself there, a channel is built within you, much like how the brain remaps itself.  Surely this is what is happening also for what happens in the etheric also is mirrored in the physical body.  It is all connected.  I have observed this to be true from dealing with ego death and learning how to retrain my body to create the right combination of chemistry to support the bliss I feel energetically.  if fear exists in me then the chemistry of fear is being mirrored in my body.  THAT was a huge lesson, and yet, for as much as I’d like to call that “work” it really wasn’t.  It was simply learning to let go of feelings that had become recursive, habitual, in my being.  When I happened upon a combination of feelings that shut down my adrenal gland a little, I was instantly rewarded with relief….until my mind slipped back into the fear mode.  With kundalini raging, it highlighted and intensified everything.  ALL of it.  But that was a saving grace for me even if it was pure misery.  I can tell you I had plenty of dark nights of the soul to deal with that lasted months and I on more than one occasion just wanted it to STOP.  However, I had enough of a conviction about the cop-out that is suicide that I never got that far in my contemplation.  If I was to find relief, it had to be the right way.  I had to honor the wisdom of my own body and untangle this mess once and for all.

Its amazing how being true to yourself and only yourself can help facilitate change.  Do we continue with that or do we slip into self doubt and find ourselves back in old familiar territory?  Can we be brave and realize that no matter what, there is nothing that can truly hurt us or damage us beyond repair?  We are immortal beings living in finite bodies with an expiration date.  A kind of insurance policy placed in our path towards our becoming.  So the reward becomes something that is at the crossroads of our honesty and dysfunction.  When we can own it and not seek to put it off onto others, we can be accountable to it.  But curiously, no one else can help us.  We come to it alone on our own.  You have to have a measure of self love and gratitude to the One who made all of this possible.

What IS work is keeping up the old battlements and castle walls.  Keeping that ancient edifice up is something that will just keep the old behavior turning.  So today as I feel the ghosts of what may have bothered me in the past I ask what I can do to let go, to bring more grace and forgiveness into my life.  it is funny; when I first began “working” on forgiving others, I found that that was really window dressing.  It always wound up being me forgiving MYSELF for how I had been in the past.  If I was not able to do that, any forgiving of another was sallow, hollow, and without heart.  Its easy to speak the words, but it really isn’t about speaking them but being them.  Without this, its not really true.  It is like me wishing you love and light in your life; nice words but am I really feeling that?  When you wake up you realize intent is everything and when we use words in such shallow-ended ways, they really don’t mean anything.  Let me FEEL deeply, fully, aware and awake to all of it and when I feel a glitch that stops the flow, let me stop and watch it without obsessing and ask the universe how I can heal it.  And if I can’t heal it, then offer it up to the universe to heal for me.  For my higher self, for the God of me, or for ANY God whom I invest the power for such miraculous happenings and eventualities.

The war is over.  It isn’t work.  It was work just keeping up that old facade.

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