I became aware of a central point in my consciousness that grew into a vivid thought form of a place. Suddenly fed by a rich current of energy my interior life bloomed into something that at first seemed as though I was going off the deep end. A world began to bloom inside of me….and it was fed partly by imagination, by emotion, by feeling and thought. We are so used to thinking that whatever we think isn’t really real, but is just the soup we swim in and we can have all sorts of very subjective things taking place. As I felt the stirring of kundalini, it seemed to install something in me….and while I know that this is not entirely correct (it was in me all along), it seemed for a time like I had some strange new thing operating within me that created a hologram in the center of my mind. Maybe its just me…how I wound up experiencing it……perhaps how my own turn of mind chose to interpret it. But I imagined a kind of pedestal, circular, and it would turn. It was at the very center of my awareness and it kind of seemed….so important…..”here is that stage man! Here it is!” I’d kind of wonder what on earth this was all about, like the person who is waiting for the door to fly open to find a hundred friends all behind the door waiting to cheer or something. It reminded me a little bit of the stages that they use to display cars on; giant turning stage-like pedestals that would display a shiny new car in all its glory. Something like that was suddenly installed in my head. But no no car, and thankfully no announcer. I think I would have really thought I had taken leave of my senses if that had happened.
It was brilliantly lit. I felt a sense of excitement and expectancy about it. “There is that stage! Man, why does this feel like 2001 A Space Odyssey? And what’s up with that stage for crying out loud? Did someone just slip me something in my drink?”
And then something emerged and sat on this turning pedestal in the center of my mind. It seemed to move me from wondering about this enigmatic circular stage which seemed to have a portal in it that would shoot something, like a jet of energy or something through its center and cause something to emerge. Well okay, since we are talking about jets and portals, I guess its okay to just let it all hang out. I saw a creature, a very specific kind of creature there, and as I saw it so vividly in my mind, lit up so under those lights of awakening, I just wondered what was going on. At first, it just seemed like a vivid imaginary game. It kept building vividness, though. It was like in my mind was this THING now and if I just kept my mind ON it, it would grow incredibly vivid. All on its own. As I did this, I got this stream of information coming from this creature. I sat there, partly repulsed and partly amazed. The creature was really quite gnarly, but the view was……well, it was different. I can remember my teachers in sculpture saying how the goal in 3-d was to be able to turn an image in 360 degrees in your inner vision and hold it there. I wanted to laugh when my teacher said that so many years ago. I could kind of see it, but nothing vivid like that. I doubted he really could do that; I felt for years he was just saying that to impress us, maybe even intimidate us. Maybe to challenge us. I could see this dimly, yes, but not vividly. Well, all of that changed. I was somehow seeing this with an incredible vividness and there was a data stream coming in that was telling me all about this creature.
To illustrate to you the very strange world I would soon be finding myself crawling around inside, take care to pay attention and pretend you are me.
My mind kept going back to this image. Each time, it would just grow in vividness. It was like turning off a projector whose bulb would slowly dim. You could come back and turn the knob back on (with your focus of attention) and it would all come streaming back as before. While I “knew” things about this creature, I was also feeling it in my body.
The creature I saw was very specific. It was at least as big, if not bigger than a man. It looked like a wolf but it had some very strange features. The hair looked like roots or like some cacti or succulents. It was THICK. The eyes glowed red. It looked vicious, this creature. From the “data stream” I knew that this was not a physical creature but was an etheric “outlaw” of sorts, a lower level entity that lived on the edges of our reality. This being was parasitic. It was really a vampire. It made contact with its hosts through its focused vision. Its eyes, which glowed red, would connect somehow into the vision of another person and this was the hook, the way it connected into the person. This being used sexual energy to lure the person in. This being had the capacity to manipulate sexual energy and its victims would be powerless. they just could not help but succumb to this energy it was so wonderful. Then, once the being had them entirely seduced, it would do something that was akin to setting a giant trap that would shut down all around the person. I saw the image of a person being lured into a box and the lid being shut very suddenly. In truth, while this being could manipulate sexual energy, it was the FEAR that it thrived and lived off of. This being had lived for hundreds of years, perhaps thousands. It had no body and I saw how it was once in France, and would move all through the region of the world in order to find a host that suited it the best. I watched as I saw how it related to physical reality. While the physical was there, it was more as though it navigated through energy itself. As if someone were turning the old dial on a radio to find the strongest station, this was what this being did to find a new host. It did not go out and look, it used the waves of energy to find it, and once it found it, it did not need to go anywhere because upon connecting, it had its host. It was alive in energy and energy is potentially everywhere at once.
All of this seemed like a weird warped fantasy of some kind and I wondered what on earth was going on. I was wondering what had happened to me. This was out of some novel or horror story. I then began to see it in my minds eye when I would go outside at night as I looked out into the woods behind the house. It would be there, lurking, but somehow held back by some kind of….forcefield almost….something that was obviously keeping it from just tearing me apart. This being was very upset, and was upset that it was not able to get at me. I felt this bubble around me and despite how terrible the image was before me, I was not afraid but strangely calm. There was something about me that had something that kept this being at bay, that kept it from coming any closer. It was easily 200 feet from me and would not advance any further. Its eyes would shine into me but there was no effect. It was simply furious….as if I had upset its little game somehow. But game? What game?
About two weeks went by and I was looking through a message board and noticed that there was a section of the board that was for non-archived conversations for the members. I had never been there as it was for extraneous stuff that had no real theme. When I looked in at the conversation, I realize I had caught the tail end of a much longer conversation about a movie that had just come out. There were maybe three remaining posts from the previous day about this movie. As I read this, I was overcome by a very strange kind of feeling. It was an absolute certainty that the day before a certain member of the board had been having a conversation with someone else about this movie. I then felt “It” come on strong….this energy….as though this stage was being set, the lights turning on, the music beginning, the stage begins to turn….whoo boy….here we go…..
I knew, something in me knew, that a particular board member had been discussing this movie in a very animated way because she connected with it for an important reason. A very important reason. What it was, I didn’t know. How did I know this? It was really just a thin slip of a thing, and yet it felt incredibly important….all lit up with those bright lights now…(kundalini)….and now so suddenly feeling urgent and intense. The movie was by M. Night Shamalan entitled Lady In The Water. It had must have just come out on dvd and people were discussing it. I had not seen the movie, nor had I even seen a preview for it. At the time, we didn’t have cable, preferring to rent videos for the kids instead of letting them soak up commercial t.v. Just so much schlock. It did keep us a little out of the loop on some things, but it was also a very nice feeling of peace, too.
I decided to rent the movie one night as I was walking by the Blockbuster rental place. I got the movie in the dvd player and instantly I felt my jaw drop. There “It” was, a presence jumping up and down inside of me, telling me that I had done it. Done what? The movie spoke of a rift between the masculine and feminine aspects of human kind. The water people and the land people had drifted and now the water world was seeking to connect again with humans. This was an awakening…..but it was fraught with threats from beings that would try to kill these water people….
Then I saw the being that I had seen in my weird 360° holographic vision from a couple of weeks earlier. All of it. The weird grass or root-like hair, the red eyes, the stature, the viciousness of the being. Then there was the guy whose mere presence would cause the being to remain in the weeds at the edge of the apartment complex. All of this felt the same; the characters were trying to figure out how to help the Narf, a type of sea nymph in her journey to what was a kind of ascension. It was a lot of guess-work, a weird feeling of being pulled into a story and playing a role. I felt as though I was there trying to read this movie for important clues. I felt like I had gotten them.
For at least another week and a half I sat on all of this, not knowing what on earth to do. Part of me absolutely knew that all of this was connected somehow to what I had seen, but another part of me could NOT believe that this was all happening so that I could read the tea leaves in some movie and pluck out patterns in the chaos. I felt split. I wondered if I wasn’t in some weird fantasy world. How was I going to determine if any of this stuff was on the mark? What I knew after watching the movie was that this person on this board had been dogged by a being, an etheric being that used sexual energy as a kind of lure in dream and then would use fear as its means of feeding off this person. My theory as best as I could determine was that for whatever reason, I was to remove this being from this person. It felt that for reasons I could not know or did not know, I had something that was perfectly matched for its removal. A kind of shamanic act for someone I had never met, whom I did not even know.
I decided that the best course of action was to ask a series of questions singularly without giving away the store. I would ask small ones first and see what this person had to say. If she would answer in the affirmative, I would advance to the more important or central questions about this movie and about her life.
I began by asking her if she had seen the movie Lady In The Water. She said yes. I then emailed her back and asked if the movie had made an impact on her, a deep emotional impact on her for some reason. She replied that she identified with the nymph and that the movie made her cry. I then asked if she felt that the being in the movie that was after the nymph was like her experiences in dream with a being. She said yes. I asked if this being used sexual energy only to use fear at the end of these dreams. She replied yes. She admitted that it was a “guilty pleasure” when these dreams began but they always ended the same way with heart-stopping fear. She explained that these dreams had been going on for years. In fact, they had led her to become something of an insomniac after she determined that the dreams came around four in the morning. She headed them off by waking up at three in the morning.
I explained what it was that I had been seeing, that I didn’t know WHY I was seeing all of this, but it seemed as though perhaps I could help. I was entirely unsure about any of this, though, and remained noncommittal about it. I told her that I would wait and see and if I could so something, then I was sure it would be clear to me what it was I should do.
So we left it at that. During this time I became aware that I was feeling this person in the same way that I was aware of this being. I felt as though I had somehow been granted some inner view or perspective, and I theorized it was necessary for dealing with this being. I felt like I could “see” her not physically, but that I could see her energetically. I felt like I could feel her from the inside out much like I was feeling this being from a few weeks prior. She was lit up and there was nothing that could not be known in the bright light of this holographic stage in my mind. I was all business, but I felt a stream of energy in me that was growing stronger and was illuminating everything ever-brighter and clearer.
A few days after this, as I stood outside before going to bed, it came. It was off in the distance on the edge of the woods. I felt alarm at first, but none of it resolved into fear. It was very upset, its eyes blazing red in the night, its one tool for gaining control. It felt like the light kind of bounced ineffectually against some unseen field surrounding me. I felt this field build in strength and I found I could control it. This field of energy was just me. Something about what I was or how I was made had this ability to guard or protect. The being could come no closer. I spoke to it in the center of its mind and explained it could not longer be attached to this person, that this day was over and that it needed to seek its own source of energy from within. I explained that it too came from the source of all life and that it had al the energy that it needed. It just needed to draw from within itself instead of from other people. I felt the field build after this and the being could not remain in the vicinity as it was literally pushed out of the woods and beyond our neighborhood. This played out once more as I saw the being the following night and I repeated the same things as before. After that night, this being was not encountered again.
The following day the woman who I had written to sent me an email asking me if I had done something. She explained that for the first time in fifteen years, she had slept through the night and was late to work. I said that the night before I HAD done something, but that we had better wait to make sure that it worked.
I assumed after this, life would return to normal and I would stop feeling this person from the inside out.
That didn’t happen. She and I were somehow linked. The energy actually grew stronger ad I began to wonder and worry a little over this connection that was taking place. How could I so vividly be seeing someone so clearly in my mind and all through my insides like this? There was something about it that felt hyper real. It was as if my thoughts and my ability to image things in my mind flew into overdrive. It was a feeling as though she was standing right in front of my face throughout the entire day. It was a feeling of being in the same enclosure of awareness. She was in my field. I found I could make the energy rise. I found that she was freaked out by it all. I found that the energy felt like it was needing to do something, that it was seeking to break through some unseen barrier and my instinct was to drive it stronger so that it could do so. But this would result in this woman going into a meltdown. She would feel this energy building and she knew I was building this energy but it was almost as though she just was not ready for it. So I would calm things down. I would go “quiet.” Having had a vision of the Thunder Beings as a young man, all of this felt familiar. The intensity of it was like the vision. I KNEW this level of energy. There was something about growing it that was necessary to break through to new levels of consciousness. But for her, there was fear.
In the weeks that followed, I began to get clear impressions of where this person lived. I saw her living room, her bed rooms, where her bathroom was, windows in the apartment and the curious issue of a kitchen that “was not there.” She explained that her kitchen was a galley kitchen and that most people would miss it because the front door opened out into the kitchen and would obscure it so that no one would see it when they entered. I saw the hallway leading to the apartment, the lights in the hallway, the doorway from one part of the complex to another. All of this checked out. the only thing that was off was the size of the living room and this was because I had spoken to her on the phone and could hear the reverb or echo in the room and got the impression the room was bigger than it was. She said it was an old building and instead of seeing it as a not-so old steel and concrete building, I thought of it as a weird wooden building because “old” to me meant wood somehow. This of course seemed impossible and it was. These were the two incorrect elements of what I had seen from a distance. Both of them were based on foreknowledge, and were lessons in not knowing too much when seeing things from the inside.
This connective was described in various ways, much of it was laden with a good deal of mythological material, at least to my mind. In the beginning though, the descriptions were spot on. I believed I had somehow found my twin, someone who could occupy the same space I did in a way that was simply indescribable. The mixing of our two energies resulted in an engine of energy that was greater than the sum of its parts. Some called this twin souls, some twin rays. As time went on, though, the things that were said about them began to reveal racks in the facade of knowledge. For as otherworldly as all of this seemed, as incredible as the energy was, this person was still a person on this earth with all the frailties that humans have. There was this hyperversal world that I had somehow entered that seemed almost unbelievable that streamed in all this energy that made things larger than life. The energy it birthed was off the charts. It kept me somewhat immune from asking questions, but as time went by I realized that while I may have gotten the keys to the kingdom, there was a huge amount of work that needed to be done.
Why would someone who was my twin say such hard and mean things? Why would she go into meltdown when the energy would get strong? It felt perfectly natural to raise this energy. This was what we were deeper down. Hadn’t we been putting the breaks on this thing for lifetimes out of some fear of meeting our maker or finally coming to the truth of what we had hid, through karma, for all this time?
As I began to ask these questions, it seemed to trigger a change in me which resulted in a kind of flood of energy through me. I had to say goodbye to this person after a year of feeling like I was sitting with this sleek race car idling in the parking lot. I had, in truth, felt others in this hyperversal realm and had a number of these connections. All of them operated under the exact same karmic junk. They were all versions of the other and all resulted in a lot of the very same behaviors even though these people were all across the globe and did not know each other. The idea that there is just “one” of these people is simply not correct, but we get stuck thinking this is so because we do not realize that what we are feeling is the bliss of our own souls. We lean on others for permission to feel this bliss. And perhaps it is just old habits. And perhaps some of it is how we do indeed connect. But if there is only one, then my experience speaks a very different story. It was in the intent to change that events began to take on a very different quality. The car was set to be slipped into gear as the wheels would begin to turn and spin as this racer was about ready to streak down the highway. The journey was in seeking to create a finer mirror, but this is not always possible as long as there is old competing junk in the way. We are such odd creatures. I know I can’t be the only one, right? No, of course not! Please tell me I am not. No, wait, don’t.
This then became an awakening within awakening….the realization that this energy meant to sweep us clean. I was pretty well scared by how strong the energy was getting in me and it was obvious that this was a level I was tapping that this other person was not feeling, so I understood that this was all a matter of focus, that the connection was itself like any other connection; forged by focus. Like so much of our focus of awareness, we are so often limited by what our own karmic threads do to keep us locked into certain perspectives. I watched as people who had experienced the phenomenon of the twin soul had remained like I had remained. They were all like people who had been given this sleek new vehicle yet they sat in the parking lot with their Other with the engine on and but never went anywhere. They were glorying in the feeling of the energy as an end in itself. And certainly, this was tremendous enough of a feeling! But something in me pushed me further. THIS was not it….there was something more.
It was here that my life took a sudden right turn and someone entered my life who would help me greatly in being able to understand what this something more was. She gave sound to the words that lay silently within. She explained to me that the two forces I had been aware of in my awakening were the two forces of creation, the divine feminine and masculine. It was a great mystery, a wonderful way to reach a better place. This became the substance of the next several years as I went through a deepening of the energy which took me to what some call “ego death” to a place that was suddenly much easier. But even then, after all of that, there was more.
It was out of this that a journal became a manuscript. I followed the odd synchronistic events and observed them as they happened over and over until I felt confident in understanding the source of them and why they were happening in the first place. I allowed myself to move further from the rigid place I had anchored myself in life and found parts of me lighting up after ages of disuse.
This manuscript would go through numerous rewrites, then editing. It would begin with one name and end with another. It is from that book, now in an editing phase, that is the namesake of this blog. It traces the changes, the leaps, the trips, the delusion and the illumination. the only reason why I even seek to put pen to paper is in the chance that it helps one person, something that a writer who had finally gotten published said to me a few years ago when I was considering putting this into a book. He said it HAS to mean that much. If it touches just one person, helps one person, then it should be enough…..because in the world of publishing, it can sometimes feel like that as the rejections pile up. The stories about how classics in the literary field were rejected not dozens of times but sometimes hundreds of times all pile up and remind all of us who feel we have something to offer that it can be like this. It isn’t that the world is set against us, it is that we have not yet found the crack where our waters are meant to flow. Once we find that, nothing can hold it back. This, I am certain.
It is time we bring fresh voice to this experience. We have thousands of years of old scrolls, but there is still more to bring forward, to help infuse all of this with clarity and knowing, but it will only happen when we are willing to ask the hard questions and to think outside the box, not letting ourselves drop into the “foreverness” of the experience. Somehow, all of this seems to exist in the balance. Not one way or the other….but a middle way. Curiously, this is the same thing Buddha said when he awoke. Not this, not that…..but something between. Balance.
For a time all of this seemed impossible. How was it that my awareness somehow managed to come up with a form that was so specific before I had ever even seen it? And how was it that something in me was able to pick out an image for a movie that I would later see that would help me to make sense of what was about to happen to me? How was it that I saw this being and was able to follow the line in a story as if the universe was trying to talk to me, but had no body to speak to me (or I did not have the ears to hear it straight up) and thus used events in the world to bring all of this to me. It felt a real impossibility. It made me feel like I was seeing patterns in the chaos and finding…..well…patterns….not just patterns, but say, ingredients for a lost technology or something. Impossible. It was one step removed from tea-leaf prophecy. But there was something to it. I could FEEL it. I was LED by it….an odd sense of expectation and knowing that there was something that WAS like….for lack of a better word; MAGIC. This impossible implausible yet happening thing. At first I felt crazy, but I know that I have since raised this little feature to a high art. Impossible things happen to me, so impossible they look each time like accidents. But what separates all of this from accidental is that INTENT is there before the “accidental” even takes place. It was intended, and that is no accident.
I have gone back through this with greater experience and I have retraced the steps. The answer I am going to give you is one that you will just think is even wilder than what you might have expected….its just not so simple. We are already halfway down the rabbit hole, you are just going to have to get used to a little weirdness until you realize its happening all the time around folks like me. If I can do it, you can too. So what is it?
It is the ability for the self, at some level, to see through time. There is a level at each of our consciousnesses that simply are not bound by time like we seem to be, here, now. Our consciousness, I have observed, expands outward like a cone. It gets broader, takes in many larger aspects, hooks into higher levels of energy (planetary consciousness for one) and as a result slips out of time since consciousness may be wed to it for a while, it does not originate there. As a result of this, the higher self can see that there is a movie coming out that just happens to tell the story I need to hear, which is essentially the story of the ascendancy of the divine feminine in our world. You may not realize it, but this is the next big thing for us. Individually and on a mass scale. It in truth has been happening for a while now, a steady shift from decade to decade as our values and society slowly changes. I know; it has not seemed very fast, but most change is either fast and bloody, or slower and less bloody. The past has been bloody enough as it is where women are concerned, but I sense we are entering a stage where even bigger change could take place. It may be that the changes in attitude over the last twenty years could well result in children being reared with values very different from twenty years previously. The students I teach are not weighed down with limits to what they feel they can or cannot do. When I was in school, girls played with barbies and boys with G.I. Joes. There is nothing that my female students feel like they cannot do, or shouldn’t do. The bias has really begun to change. In the big Wake Up, the shift from one world to another, this balancing force that is taking place is what the Hopi prophesied about. My higher self dipped into the future, plucked out the being that so closely aligned emotionally to what this woman in another country who was online felt. It was a match. So as I went along it all seemed entirely impossible, but not if some part of you operates outside of time. The order may be different from normal time-line phenomenon, but the effect was that I sat up and took notice. Nowadays, I realize it is the fluidity of consciousness through time. And in truth, I have been doing this my whole life…..it just seemed impossible because…..well maybe because I wasn’t just having a dream about it (I have had a history of precognitive dreams since a child so this kind of thing is not new, just sort of the province of dream) so when I had this happen while awake, it seemed out of place.
This all points to how fluid consciousness can be. It points to what we can do with consciousness, which has no mass and is not bound by the laws of time in the same way that the physical body might be, which seems more keyed to time and is thus in its flow, unable t move out of it as readily. Consciousness, light as air, is not so bound. This is what I take away from this, and it points to how you can do work that takes you into your own dream past to make changes to the self you were way back when. I have already encountered this type of work and I can say it DOES make an impact. The impact is not on physical events, but makes it more centrally; you can visit the self you were in dream and make a ripple in that time frame that is brought forward into waking life. It is a curious way to effect past events or timelines in a whole new way. It maybe sounds crazy or impossible, but once you realize the things that have been happening to me, you can perhaps appreciate that this is not something that makes me that different from you. We can ALL do this. We are all one family of being and each of us will wake up to that eventually. This does not limit you in any way, nor does it affect your ability to be YOU. There is merely a broader context that you are operating within now. More choices, or perhaps a bigger field of information? Mitakwe Oyasin is an Oglala phrase that means we are all family. We are all one. You will come to see and feel this. It is what this shift into the next “dimensional frequency” everyone is talking about but isn’t so sure about what it all means. The world is not changing. There wont be a rapture. You wont wake up one day and see people gone. You will just wake up. The world WILL look different, and this will all take time to wrap itself all around you. Your life will change in stages, steps, as the layers, onion-like, begin falling away. Whatever it winds up looking like, it will be much better than what was before. It is a simple yet also profound change. IN the same way the Hopi have said, much will be returned to us. WE are being returned to us.
So anyway. This makes the post unbearably long, I know. These pieces make up parts of a large book detailing the account but with a little more discipline and perhaps clarity. This, I get to shoot more from the hip. Or lip.