As ice and snow fall down around my house, a day full of working in art with my students, I get to come here and tell you about a wonderful thing that waits for you that is so beautiful, so breathtaking that you just. Would. Not.  Believe.  In fact, it is something I have hesitated mentioning because I knew there is no way to convey how incredible this thing is.  But somehow, I must.  Like poets writing and scribbling day after day poems about love, catching bit and pieces and sometimes entire swaths of it, I surely must try to do this justice.

I never knew anything like this existed.  It lay ahead of me like some sweet juicy secret.  It only came when I had done enough “work” at shedding material from myself I suppose.  It also came when my kundalini went into overdrive.  Huge waves of it would come, first giving me a day full of nausea and then the nearly overpowering waves would hit.  For as sexual as kundalini is for people, what I was experiencing felt like trying to stand up in the midst of a tsunami wave coming in.  It was a little scary I will admit because I could tell by the nausea the day before just how strong it was going to be.  These were those days when kundalini would come washing in over me and would press HARD against every weak spot to try to find a place for release, for flow.  I was tightly sealed, a nice hermetically bounded lock box at that point, a year and a half into awakening and thinking I had it all down.  This was before ego had gone through its collapse, a long drawn out affair where I held on without realizing what on earth I was holding on to. How do you dissolve an instinct?  This was what it felt like, like I was seeking to dissolve something that was instinctual.  I felt backed into a corner and I just. Didn’t.  Know. Why.

I suppose, I think, that this is how it is with many who feel the rush of kundalini come on after having already awakened; entirely new waves come onto the scene as the self unwittingly calls out the genie from the bottle, which was exactly what I had been doing without fully realizing it. I had been questioning some things about what others had been saying was a fixture of the experience, the soul connection (also called a Twin Flame or twin Ray) and it just seemed like so much of it was built on half knowing and a lot of inconsistent information that simply was not my experience.  Blissful, yes, but not the be-all that some people were trying to suggest.   The problem was how some were trying to say that a twin soul would never be mean, could never hurt you, and knew you better than anyone else.  I found that this twin was hard, mean, and punishing.  I found that she was chaotic, hurtful, and unable to control her emotions and would fly into rages and say some of the meanest things.  The curious thing was that this was a pattern alive in my life, with my ex wife, and with others who would be connected to me.  It seemed to me that this was more a case of the Emperor having no clothes, and something just wasn’t right with all of it.  So it led me to question a lot of things, and this, it seems, was the catalyst for a sudden and powerful shift and change in my experience.  Little did I know at the time that I was letting some genie out of the bottle.  After the genie had already come out of the bottle.  Or so I had thought.  Which is a way for me to explain that there are levels to this, depths which you may well reach.  Once you feel you have reached or attained some great heights, there is always a higher mountain.  But it in no way lessens the epiphany-like revelatory-filled moment when you release something that had limited you unknowingly for years, perhaps lifetimes.  And yet, it is on to the next step, the next block, the next realization as though the world you are now in is a new one.  It is as though one traverses new worlds each day, versions of a world that piece by piece, clarifies or gets brighter.  this isn’t even a metaphor, but how it actually becomes, and the events in each world do change as you swim laterally agains the current of this mighty river of worlds and find yourself in the same world, but a different one.  Tomorrow, the piece I will write will exist in another world yet still be in this one.  An infinity of them exist, I suspect, what Jane Robert’s Seth describes as the “Unknown Reality” which is simply probable realities which exist most definitely.  I had just dipped my toe in and something was pulling me, dragging me off the continental shelf of the ocean of my  being.  Into the deep water. Into the dark to do work with the shadow, to undo me, to shift ego, to soften me, to heal me, to zero-point me to some other place my soul obviously yearned to be.

It had been not long before that that a being, a man,  showed up in my room.  He was very tall and he had these piercing light blue eyes.  He had in fact been in my life before during a time of heightened awareness, year-long “summer of awakening” of sorts where I saw him as I lay in bed.  He had shown himself to me in his forms, and this was curious because he would show up as an old man, a young man, or middle-aged.  He would appear differently to me, but his eyes always had the same look.  At the time that he came to me, I had not been shown that he was the same being that had come to me some 23 years previously.  He was just a sudden and very large presence in the room.  There was nothing at all about the experience that was the least bit concerning.  I felt peace and calm in his presence.  He stood close enough so I could see him in my inner vision.

Something happens when the third eye region is activated; it is a subtle shift with eyes closed to feeling as if your inner eyes are open. I had always though of this as “astral sight” which always came on just before I would project out of my body.  I would suddenly feel as if my eyes were wide open and I could see the whole room.  Only thing was my physical eyes were closed.  But this was what I was experiencing and this being told me his name, that he was a Seraphim.  He said it twice to make sure that I got it.  Like it was important somehow. Not being an angel person, I only dimly knew that this was some type of angel.  He proceeded to reach directly into my heart center and he pulled something out of me that took me completely by surprise.  It felt like he had pulled my insides out.  I had the awareness of something dark and old and dead that he had pulled out.  Information in this moment of contact flowed through me so fast it is hard to even explain the rate at which all of this happened. I was “told” or I knew in an instant that this was the “body” of old “expired” karmas that needed to just go and which had lost all their power but that were occupying space in my field.  I was shown a series of foods to eat as I was contemplating a fast. A stream of information flowed through his touch while he reached into my chest, my heart chakra and said, “You are more beautiful without this.”  It was as quick as quick could be.  He admonished me not to try and take this material back into me and he explained he was going to show this to “Source.”  The effect after he had done this was a very clear and vivid sense as though I had something quite real removed from me.  My body felt less cluttered, clearer.  It was as if I had a body inside of me taking up space that was then suddenly pulled out.  This resulted in my lungs feeling different.  I felt a point at the rear of both lungs for days that had a sensation associated that felt as if something had been torn away.  My throat chakra area also felt like something had been pulled through it.  A long standing block in my throat was gone.  I was unable to sing for nearly a year after this because how my muscles worked now were different.  I grew up with this tightness in my throat and had learned to sing with it in the way.  It had affected my voice, how it felt, and how I used it.  Now, all of that was gone.  It was a very physical feeling even though I realized all of this was energetic.  This is an important reminder to those awakening that some physical sensations are often etheric.  People who go out of body often don’t realize they are out of their bodies and will go to turn on a switch only to find their hand goes through the wall.  This is because the world of the etheric, although not physical, is a very real place that is the next level removed from the physical yet occupies the same space.  It is the energetic counterpart to the physical.  It is like the soul of the world just as you body has a soul in the physical organism.  This should cause you some pause because it means that all things contain an energetic blueprint, that all is energy, that all has sentience even if your own senses cannot pick it up.  Chief Seattle, when he spoke of humans being part of the web of life was very likely speaking directly to the reality that all things are connected by this vast webwork of energy that unites all things.

While he was reaching into me I felt something that is simply indescribable.  It was a pulse of love so powerful, it was like becoming a conduit for a high powered power line…..except it was love energy.  My body rippled and flowed and pulsed with this energy.  I was amazed and observed so carefully as if everything was going by slowly.  This was the most amazing thing ever!  I wanted to understand it, to know it, to become it, to learn how to BE this energy, to live in it in the day to day.  If I could do this one simple thing, I knew all would be perfect.  As it was, I could not imagine how I could manage to anchor or hold this energy for any length of time.  My mind was a whirl of things as all of this took place.  It was kind of silly that I wanted to know this thing because there was not trying, there was only experience.  I KNEW this.  But I wanted to soak it up, to remember it, to know it so deeply and remember it in case I ever felt myself lost or removed from it somehow.

Then, a few months after this event took place, and my then-wife thought I had gone around the bend, I was sitting scanning a book online that was about Nondual Saivism.  It was something about the triadic heart of Shiva.  The title of the book got my attention because in my experience, the triad was pretty big, three forces I felt in this energy even before I knew it had a name, so I took notice (even though I had not done much reading in any depth about any of this stuff). The triad was important to me;  Mother, Father, Child (Christ).  As I read this book, I suddenly felt something in me let go.  Something in me just surrendered so deep to the love and bliss that would come that I felt it blow through me with a force so strong that my back arched upward, my head flew back and I was unable to do anything except feel with every piece of me this wonderful feeling. All of this was centered in the heart.  The heart just trembled, trebled, and flew open.  The sensation was of my heart chakra opening in a way it had never done before on its own.  This feeling was much like the Seraphim who had come to me that night.  This time I was opening up to it. I observed what was happening in the moment. To say that I felt like a bride ready for the bridegroom would be accurate, and is actually the same metaphors the early Christians used in describing the bliss of this experience in awakening.  This was the sensibility that being one with the Mother (the divine feminine) allowed me, and which showed me how to be so deeply receptive.

I will tell you that my state of mind in times like these multiplies into a host of channels or tracks.  It isn’t that I split, but that I enlarge.  Parts of me that may not be focused here now move into sharper focus and I find I can use them while also being in other states of consciousness all at the same time.  It is a lot like having a series of processors in a computer that can process all at different speeds or vibrations.  I can have a very rational part of me active while having a deep mystical side active while also having several other parts of me operating in their own native environment, all without any sense of paradox or contradiction/  It is very much like how we usually operate in the day to day with all the parts or sides to ourselves except it has been taken up a few notches. I do not become blind to the world, I do not even lose my normal focus in the world.  It is more as if my consciousness forms a kind of….tube that expands outward.

Imagine that consciousness is like those antennas on stereos and rabbit ears on televisions.  Each section extends outward, with one end getting wider while the other end is narrower.  Well, my consciousness was all there, but had this extension or added dimension to it.  Something in me was expanding outward and what was expanding did not take away to my normal focus but added to it, creating a rich experience in the moment.  In moments like these I can have a part of me that is incredibly focused, almost as if I am suddenly composed of many people all taking notes and taking it all in.  This one part of me just observed carefully. What I noticed, that seemed so terribly important to explain is that this superstate is in fact possible by making a choice.  This choice is in letting go or letting down all your walls in a rather radical way.  But if you do let these walls down in this complete way there is nothing else in your awareness except what floods in.  It is very much like your psyche has been holding back a whole realm of experience.  It isn’t even that you haven’t discovered awakening, it is that you have actually been willfully but unknowingly holding it back.  Scared. Afraid it would turn you into a murmuring crazed lunatic.  Like you would lose all control when it comes around you.  And yes, you would lose control, but only because you chose to let go.  But in letting go, the curious thing is, we step into this wonderful superstate that is beautiful bliss, love, wonder, and awe. But at the same time, you can think about the grocery list and how you need to get taxes done.  The only difference is that here, nothing bothers you.  It can’t.  How could it?  Well, at least, that was my experience.

Bread, milk…..blueberries..detergent…kale….green onions….sprouts….baking powder….vibrating…

Then another part of you is just in this wonderfilled space.  How can I even explain it?  But we get there through a choice to let it go.  All of it.  All of what we are.  What if you just completely disrobed before the All and let yourself be completely naked before it and just let go?  That was what I had done.  Something in me was just tired of business as usual.  Kundalini had settled in and was working its magic for me, sure, but this.  This was a whole other gear.  And to think we can get there by just doing it, by choosing it.  As I watched carefully, I saw how I chose to let go, that this was perhaps an uncommon sort of letting go, but it was ALL a choice.  It was not an accident, it was not some unknown.  This was all under our control.  And that was the problem; we have been trying to control all the wrong things….and then calling it “normal.”  The world, you know, is really quite mad, by the way.  I just thought you should know that.

The odd thing was that I continued reading and found the book explaining what I had just experienced half a page later.  I would find that I would begin to have these odd “anticipatory” experiences while reading certain books.  Certain ones on things like this.  Old books. It felt like to me that the higher self was saying “You do not need a book to tell you about this experience; you can experience it directly as all people can.  Why read about it when it is in you to be?”

Later that day as I was working in the studio, it came again.  I was grinding glass on a flat mill grinder, covered in water spray and a fine powder of glass.  My head arched back and I felt my body move into a convulsive state. My chest rose upwards and I just wanted IT to take me, to take my heart.  “This is what they mean when they talk about kriyas,” I thought to myself.  It felt GOOD to just let my body go and follow the flow of this energy.  This was the posture of bliss. This is the position our bodies go into when we experience incredible pleasure.  It is the opposite from the fetal position which is a protective blocking pose.  I was pulled into this force, part of it, originating within it and coming to it and becoming it all at once.  Once this happened, I went back to grinding the glass and just feeling into this earthquake of sorts.  Again, the same observation; this was not automatic or accidental, but allowed, a deep level choosing and very willful.  Something in me was learning how to just let go completely, wildly, wonderfully.  Something in me, like a shutter, was opening wide.  It was my heart that was opening wide and the main locus of the force was flowing into and out of my heart center.  It felt as if my heart had opened unimaginably wide, impossibly wide, and nothing could stop what was a natural force that would then flow through it.  It was as I had discovered that in the body there are all these hidden switches, like a hidden switch box in the basement you never realized was even there…. that if tripped, would send a thousand volts of pure love ecstasy shooting through me.  I realized, too, that the tsunami waves that I had experienced earlier on in my awakening that gave me a great deal of anxiety was part of this same energy.  The difference in how I was experiencing it now was that I was embracing it in such an innocent and direct way, which was what made all the difference.  Just a year before, this force was like a hairy 800 pound gorilla that would glower at me from the corner of the studio, ready for me to go to bed so it could clobber me.  Curious how it all changed and so drastically.  Well, it didn’t change; my perception did because my feelings changed.  I had let go of enough fear that it could be seen differently.  I surrendered.

So what are these experiences?  Do they have a name?

These apparently DO have a name and they are called Heart Openings.  They are simply earth shaking experiences that will show to you the potential and possibility that lies locked up inside each of us. These experiences are singular, but also greatly empowering in their scope, effect, and potential. These are the experiences that this angelic being would tell me when I was so tied up within myself that I would know if I could just stop getting so tangled up in my old feelings of hurt and old pain.  “You would not be doing this if you knew what lay on the other side of this” he would say.  I would nod in acknowledgement and wince through the pain, unaware that all of this, all of my suffering was itself a choice.  I had simply allowed myself to believe I had no control.  The control was all mine, as it is yours as well.  But before I knew this, I had painbody like you would not believe. the experience was akin to having my fingernail pressed on so hard that all I could be aware of was the pain.  I hate to sound so dramatic, but for those who have gone through this, I am saying this so you can know that if you do feel this kind of pain, you can most certainly exit from it through this surrender process. You are not a prisoner.  You are the master if you so choose.

How do we reach these places?  What lead up to them?  I know that for me, my experience was intensifying during this time period.  During this time I was working hard on being focused on letting go.  I was allowing myself to just let go of so many big and small karmic threads that were holding me in a pretty dysfunctional life and relationship.  I was just letting it go and not worrying what anyone had to say.  I had worked so hard at providing for my family and now I saw how when I needed a moment, there was so little consideration or support, so I just took what I needed.  What I needed was to let go, and I did.  Quietly, privately, without a word, I just let so much  go. I knew if I spoke about how I was having so much fall away that it would have been seen as somehow being irresponsible, uncaring.  In a way this was true.  I did not care to remain in that old energy.  I HAD to let it go.  It was almost like survival for my sanity.

When you are touched by this fire, you cannot go back to the old life.  I just no longer cared how anyone would see it or seek to turn it.  What I had been in was a pretty neurotic world where living a good life was about  maintaining a form of insanity that everyone took to be normal.  So I “worked” hard at just letting this force remove as much as it could.  And it did.  In the midst of this, in the midst of questioning what many were taking for granted as what a “real” awakening was all about, I found my energy changed, heightened.  My higher self knew something, and I had to get there to him somehow.  I had to be in his place. I had to know what Christ called the “father” or the masculine alignment of the divine.  This was my higher self.  Jesus also spoke of being one not just with the father, but also with the mother…..but that is for another time.  It was the masculine side of all of this, though, that provided me with the decisiveness that I needed, the forward thrust of energy that would get me through all of this.

As a result of this, a series of cascading events took place that led to a period of intensive karmic release.  There was a lot of it, but I will also say that there was a lot more to let go of.  That is the curious thing about ourselves.  We have this backlog of material that we have to let go of. Lifetimes worth of it, what I came to call “the inventory.”  Krishnamurti would describe his experiencing of this as “when the saints go marching OUT.” (The Mystique of Enlightenment) He had all manner of things flow out of him during a critical period in his process.  He described all of the archetypal forms of saints and philosophers just leave his inner space and were gone.  As this crowded space was emptied out, there was then room for a great something that some call “nothing” and what I know is simply the presence of both ourselves and the divine (which truly are not separate in reality but which we make divided in our awareness and in our belief and feelings of shame and guilt).  Maybe heaven on earth is when we just make enough room inside ourselves so that heavenly realm can have enough room to stay with some modicum of comfort.

This process is not a rational one, though.  It is a deep-seated want or need that goes beyond knowing. If something is to be let go of, it has to be total, otherwise there is some part of the ego or self that is holding on to it and it remains.  At least that has been my experience.  You have to surrender so totally to know it so deeply.  It is like when you give yourself to God, God is not able to take you as fully when you have your hands and heart holding even the slightest shred of something.  To unite with the divine requires a totality of feeling if you want the deepest depths of it (and yet, I suspect it is all a matter of our ability to know how deep this all goes….which I suspect is entirely without limit and would blow each person’s personal fuse box to know the limitlessness of it….hence Waking the Infinite).  And this is curious, too, because you DO reach it in degrees while still holding onto things….but the experience of it is limited to the degree that you clasp onto some idea or limiting belief.  God’s love is without condition or limit and it seems to do best when you have nothing standing in the way of that union that feel perfect.  Then, once you have gotten to this place of release and more release, it may be possible to feel into a still deeper place that longs for this “unknown” nutrient, this “unknown” (but native) mystery of an experience which will crack you open and make you one. Here, you decide to just let all shame go.  All guilt, all trouble and trespass with others are now nothing, forgiven, and thus in that moment of grace, the infinite flows. And then it comes.  Naturally.  Certainly.  You decide.  You come to this divine current simply by wanting it so much.  The universe will conspire to see to it that you reach it.  You just must remain persistent.  If it is worth something to you, then you will do what is necessary.

So much of these experiences drive a desire to live and breathe this 24/7.  I “get” the devotion that wells up within a person as a result of these experiences. In a way, it may seem unusual, but once you have tasted this, you cannot go back to the old stuff.  It is like champaign distilled from stars.  Who would be happy down on the farm after THAT?  So life becomes increasingly like a prayer, a great big Ohm.   More and more of this seems to seep in.  The old way fades as the self is changed, reconditioned, set aright.  An amazing wonderful thing becomes simple, present in every bud that bursts open, in every sheathe of grass and in every turn of the wind.  A new life, a rebirth, takes root in you.  You become twice-born.  I say changed, but it is a returning.  It is an erasure of past patterns, a return to  a primal state.  When I say primal, I do not mean as some see it as primitive.  I see it as the prime state…..where we exist outside of time and aware of all eventualities and are not limited.  We are our souls.  And if you touch a soul, you will know the great wonder that it is.  It is perfect simply because it has full acceptance of all that it is and all that the universe is.  there is no struggle, no problem, no issue.  Because of this, love is free to flow.  This love is not a love you have likely ever felt, for it is as much a feeling as it is a palpable force that moves through your entire body, like a fire that once existed down low but which is now washing your entire being and in so doing, is removing all shame and issues you may have had with its sensual union-building capacity.  I think the sexual energy is so strong in kundalini simply because it helps to serve the union with the divine so well.  It exists as a kind of analog to being at one-ness with this vast force that goes beyond any limiting notion of personhood or even identity for that matter (even though it knows that IT is and exists as itself).  But once we heal this divide, we find the bridal chamber of the early Christians.  It is we who have the hangups about sexuality, and you really do have to begin to heal this part if you are to enter into the Bridal Chamber unhindered….

This, I do feel, is the resurrection (and the life).

The challenge is in remaining in it.  For just as opening to this bliss is a choice we make, it is also a choice we make to flow back into those hardened states of old again.  Learning not to follow the old and to embrace the new is the one important lesson I have learned and which I have to remind myself daily and even moment by moment to hold in my being.  You would think that this changes you, and it does, but perhaps we need something in us that will remind us that we are not that old person but something new now.  Embrace your truth.  Embrace this sacred fire which will burn it all down and build it back up.  We are are only human ….AND divine!

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